publishing clarity (inri054)

the core loops involved in clarity were initially created in the late summer of 2001, with the intent of being the opening sequence in a new inri project (with the long kicked-around working title of 'trinri'). while i had fairly firmly put the inri moniker down around my 19th birthday (late 1999), i was also coming out of a lengthy "serious music" phase and was getting a desire to write in a more structured, synth-pop type direction, as i had for years previously. this urge was happening about the same as i was being coerced into starting a rock band with some high school acquaintances.

around october, i started working on a separate noise project that was meant to splice harsh electronic noise with anarchist politics. this produced two tracks at the time, which are now available as a short single as inri032. at the time, it wasn't clear to me where those ideas would lead.

by november it was clear that the rock band wasn't happening, but it turned out the singer had tastes that correlated reasonably well with what i was thinking about creating for the trinri project. these two projects consequently merged into rabit is wolf, and the material i was kicking around for use in trinri ended up becoming the core of what rabit is wolf became.

as i was recording parts for clarity, i ended up reusing ideas from the noise project. i further reused those ideas in constructing a 2004 noise collage for inclusion on the record that finally came out of the noise project. both noise collages are present in order to comprehensively explore the ideas existing within clarity.

zen was recorded with sean over december, 2001. i have chosen not to complete a version of the wave (inri034) that was also being discussed at the time, but would have fit into this release well, conceptually.

clarity was completed (with vocals) over january, 2002. the nature of rabit (along with the songs i had written for it) took a sharp turn towards folk almost immediately. this collection is consequently quite different than the official rabit demo, which is much more song-oriented. over the years, i've always wanted to have a rabit release that was darker, noisier and more chaotic and am glad to have it in the form of this ep-single, which could be viewed as a secondary demo. put another way, this is the comprehensive representation of the second (electro/noise/industrial) incarnation of rabit is wolf.

however, there are two factors complicating clarity as a solely rabit is wolf production. the first is that sean was never really happy with the result - a shame as i consider his vocal performance and lyrics to be the best of the songs we did together. the second is that i always felt the track was "mine" and should have had an instrumental mix. that is, i've always regretted not saving an instrumental mix.

for these reasons, i've revisited the track as an instrumental and left two snapshots - 11/2001 and 01/2002. this second snapshot (which is to be considered a final mix) will also appear on my upcoming 6th record, dated to the end of 2002.

recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track 6 was constructed in may, 2004 out of files recorded 1999-2001. tracks 1-4 were reconstructed over october, 2014. final mixes were finished on october 18, 2014. as always, please use headphones.

credits:
j - guitars (electric, acoustic, nylon), mandolin, sequencers, synthesizers, drum & melodic programming, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, drum kit, sampling, digital and analog effects processing, digital wave editing, sound design (loops, granular synthesis, noise generators), production

sean - vocals/lyrics (3,5), harmonica (4,5)

released february 1, 2002

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity

i've listened to and tweaked around with the eq and compression on clarity all day, and i'm just about to leave it as it is. every time i change something, it becomes something i'm not used to hearing. i operate pretty strongly on intuition. that is, i tend to just fuck with it until it sounds "right". what i'm realizing is that what sounds "right" is the way it sounded 12 years ago, due to listening to it that way so many times. i guess this is a thing that happens, and that we all do it to our own music and the music of others - through repeated listening, the imperfections on the track become a part of the track, to the point that it can't exist without them. i'd bet this frustrates the fuck out of paul mccartney....

even the piano part. it's sloppy. i think i was drunk. i wanted it to have that suave, amateurish new wave bash to it (it's a stylistic trait of mine, through a lot of my recordings), but it came out weirdly meek sounding. like i wanted to smash the keyboard but was drunk. which i think is literally true...

i can't replace it, though. i've mentally cycled through a number of more sophisticated parts, and they all convert the track into something it may have once become but hasn't been since it was created. i've thought about rebashing a little harder, but it's the same fundamental concern.

so, the 2002 instrumental mix is going to be the final mix on this. predictable posting flurry is coming...

so, i got my letter of doom today. it's a package of forms to fill out.

considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.

the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...

if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.

see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?

i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.

"you're holding us up with a gun!"

it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.

so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.

i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.

but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...

i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.

it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.

if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...

i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.

clarity single up

ok, to recall, i so far have three rabit releases complete.

inri030:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/me-myself-and-the-time-i-thought-this-was-a-good-idea

inri034:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave

inri035:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity

i'll be adding a final remixed instrumental clarity as track seven which will really just be a bit punchier. i'm going to want to rewrite that piano part, too. but the vocal aspect of the ep is done.

i have actually surprisingly recently sold some discs (my youtube promotion is getting a lot of hits - i'm at about 3000/month and growing steadily), so i need to run through that. no rabit sales yet, so i don't owe you anything yet. as i've had no feedback, the way i've decided to do this is split the rabit sales with you and split the cynicide sales with jon - and the latter is really me being generous. i have sold one cynicide disc, but i undercharged for shipping (oops), so i owe jon about $0.50. i'll contact him if or when it gets close to $20....

that cynicide disc is this:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations

all the rabit material will be in ep form, which i'm selling at $7/disc (plus shipping) or $2.50 to download the whole disc (no single track downloads, i think that's bullshit). i need to give 10% of that to bandcamp and around another 10% to paypal (unless they circumvent it). so, you can take out about 20% for fees.

so, (2.50 - 0.2*2.50)/2 = $1. that's what you have coming to you per download. i do hope to increase the prices in time, but right now i think that would be counter-productive. i'd also be paying more in fees.

it's about $3.00 to make a disc when you add up the cost of a printable cd, the ink, the paper and the case. if i start selling a significant number of cds, i'll be able to reduce that cost by buying in bulk, but that's what it is for now.

again, (7 - 0.2*7 - 3)/2 = $1.30. so, that's what you'll have coming to you per rabit disc. and, again, i hope to increase the price in time, but for now it's counter-productive....

and, you have to keep in mind that i'm getting exactly the same low profit rate on the disc. then again, you have to keep in mind that that's not really different than what the average major label artist gets per disc, either - if anything, it's a better deal than average.

there's going to be a 9:46 single with instrumental mixes, a six-track rabit demo (clarity, 9:46, psi, time, myself, day) and the completed "tour ep" of acoustic versions that never happened. it's all going to be at the same price/profit rate and hopefully be done within a month or so.

(pause)

sorry, one more thing - i should point out that i have the "pay more if you want" thing clicked off. if somebody decides they want to give me $100 for a rabit disc, you'll get (100-0.2*100 -3)/2 = $38.50 out of it. the formula is obviously (0.8x - 3)/2, summed over all prices that come to me. from what i've seen so far, it seems to be that people interpret the price as a suggestion, so we'll see how that works out...

(pause)

two quick notes are immediately necessary:

1) somebody very quickly downloaded the clarity single, so there you go.
2) the bandcamp cut on downloads is 15%, not 10% as i said before. it's 10% on physical media. hey, this is new to me, too. so, i owe you a little less than a $1 - i haven't calculated the exact paypal amount yet. i'm going to wait until it's more than the cost of shipping a check...you'll have to trust me, but you know you can....i didn't have to tell you at all, really..

you know, i get a lot of comments about my face..

the truth of the matter is that i'm objectively rather attractive for a transgendered person with no surgery, relative to my ethnic background. i know the stereotypes, and that people expect them, but the reality is that they only apply to a small subset of transgendered people coming out of different types of entertainment-based employment. they get disproportionate levels of attention due to their higher levels of visibility, but they don't represent the average transgendered person very well. the average transgendered person is really a girl-next-door type that would prefer to fit in. the literature has even historically attempted to fix the stereotype to cisgendered gay men, but i agree with some of the pushback on that being a little dismissive...

i'm of mediterranean background, so i have a substantial nose. but it really isn't going to be perceived as jumping out of my face unless you're grasping at straws in order to criticize my appearance. relative to a lot of jewish, arab or italian women, it's not particularly huge. it doesn't have that triangular arch, or that bloated trying-to-escape-your-face look. it's even fairly symmetric. really, by mediterranean standards, it's on the smaller end - and pretty unobtrusive, in the sense of not jutting out anywhere.

like many irish people, i have a long, dolichocephalic skull shape.

i'm of finnish background as well, so i have  high cheekbones and somewhat distinctive eyes. but these are considered attractive in virtually all cultures.

what i'm getting at with this write-up is that i don't want to hear it. i've heard it enough, and it's tiring - because it's not grounded. if you're going to comment negatively on the way i look, i'm going to remove your comment and block your profile. so don't waste your time.

you gender that wrong, you're just being an ass.

noise/punk night reveals cause for concern

that was fun, then unsettling.

had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.

i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...

the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...

slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.

i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.

here is a full set from about a year later:

i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.

i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i  bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.

i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...

then...

well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.

it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.

i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...

i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.

i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.

so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.

exact recollection of events, while i can...

1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.

it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.

is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.

i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.

maybe it will be more clear in the morning.

i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.

this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.

maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.

and hence the situation is dealt with.

but, i have my safety to be concerned with.

and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.

i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.

so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...

it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.

but i know how this works.

and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.

you want to say "if it happens again...."

but you know you might not be around to tell that story.

i don't think anybody followed me home.

i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.

so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.

in truth, nothing can be done at all.

i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html

clarity (redone original instrumental mix)

i'm going to need to run the final version through some buses and eqs to get it to really come out, but this is a reasonable approximation of how i would have wanted the instrumental mix to sound in early '02.

i've added the two ftaa tracks to the clarity single because they're playing around with a similar guitar riff. it's an idea that got recycled, so there's a thematic unity tying it together. i guess it gives the "single" (it's 62 minutes) a little bit of extra variation and playability, as well.

strung out was done about the same time as i was playing with clarity. it was the initial source of the riff, which i then used in clarity, thinking strung out was just going to sit on my computer. i constructed "through the looking glass" out of files from 00-02 in 04 for the ftaa disc; that is, all the original files existed when clarity was being written, but i didn't actually put the collage from those files together for a few years. tacking it on here is thematic, if slightly anachronistic....

recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. reconstruction date is oct 18, 2014.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-instrumental-mix

through the looking glass

in 2004, i found myself tasked with compiling some ideas i had into a collection of end products. one of the ideas i had had kicking around since late 2001 was that of combining harsh noise with anarchist politics, which i wanted to complete under the name "fuel true anarchy in the americas" (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa). i had just about enough for a full length concept record, but went looking through my hard drive to see how else i could fill the cd up to 80 minutes.

the story of the curious george suite, now released in incomplete form, is at the inri019 page:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-curious-george-suite

at the time, though, i perceived of the suite as completely dead. so, i pulled the end section out and did some things to it in a wave editor, which included taking a guitar part out of the track strung out and looping it through the track. the same guitar part was also used in the bridge of clarity. strung out and through the looking glass can consequently be thought of as remixes of clarity, so their inclusion here is necessary to explore the thought in full.

initially created in the spring of 2000. expanded in the spring of 2004.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/through-the-looking-glass-2

strung out (clarity mix)

so, the pun here is that it's a lot of guitars going off out of tune, representing how the government is stringing us out to dry by taking away our rights in the (not so) chaotic aftermath of 9/11. there are versions of the track with thematic samples, but i've removed them for this release.

the sample version is available here:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/give-em-hell-harry-strung-out

the reason i'm including the file as a lead-in to the clarity single is that there is a guitar riff with an ultimately celtic sort of sailor folk theme running through this track that i ended up reusing in the bridge of clarity (and a third time in "through the looking glass"). this track was completed first, but the ftaa project (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa) that it was connected to didn't have release dates or anything. i really considered it mostly disposable at the time. yet, it's a necessary inclusion if i wish to comprehensively explore clarity as an idea.

created in the fall of 2001. the file was edited into this form on october 18, 2014

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/strung-out-3

really not a complex tune, even if it sounds very built and orchestrated. if i deconstruct the construction, it's still enough to fit on a traditional 24 track recorder - which is downright minimal by my standards.

it's now properly synced, which was the hard part. this was initially constructed in a wave editor (the construction one part was recently reconstructed in a wave editor rather than mixed through cubase, in order to get that blurry, impressionist sound).

i'm going to give the mix until i wake up to sit, but i think clarity is now reclaimed. finally. i regretted not saving an instrumental version almost as soon as i pressed "save" back in early '02. i've been planning it ever since, but have run into various roadblocks....nice to feel it's done...

i'm not going to do a vocal remix of this. the '02 mix is the vocal mix stays the vocal mix.

the final mix (for j^2) is going to need some production work in bringing out the dynamics a little, and an uplift over that piano part.

it seems like people are looking for my twitter account.

@deathtokoalas on twitter is NOT me. that person appears to be into anime, online rpgs and defending the fascist state of israel. i'm not interested in any of those things. i'd like to see a one state solution, but under the auspices of a democratic, secular "israel" that does not have religious or nationalist concepts written into it's constitution. i'd also like to see some land redistribution, but i recognize that this is a very delicate process. if you were to sit me down and really have me analyze it, i'd have to come to the conclusion that the only way to "set things right" is to temporarily abolish the state and have it run by an international body like the un for a period of 50 years or something, then have it transferred to a secular, pluralist governing body.

i simply don't use twitter. however, for the sake of clarifying the situation, i'll point you to this sarcastic profile as the only twitter profile that i've ever set up.

https://twitter.com/dgkfgjklgjkgjka

i know that deathtokoalas comes off as a unique marker, but it seems like it isn't. as far as i can tell, this other person stole my name, but i can't prove that.

that brings up another point, though. the handle i'm using there is @dgkfgjklgjkgjka. i'm all over the internet with variations of this. it was chosen to be impossible to search for, as it's picked uniquely each time, but easy to identify when it's found.

i'm very open about my politics. if you see some right-wing ranting under a similar moniker, and it's not sarcastic, it's not me. but if you see variations of the sort with a lower case d, a random string of mashed characters of no fixed length and a lower class a such as...

dfdgKDT789rft8efyYKa
dBJUR8fduKDE7IekdcGJKFHYJO5a
dDTdkGDITKDtktYa

etc

then it's probably me.

"impossible" is an exaggeration. but searching all possible combinations is time consuming. it requires some scripting, at least.

there's lots of smart ways to circumvent the fuckers, if you know a little about the technology they use....

obviously, i don't want it to be hard to find my youtube account.

but the fact that deathtokoala starts with a d and ends with an a is no coincidence:)

i am somewhat of a bond villain.

it doesn't matter any more, i don't use the technique.

(you'll note that before you can script the trawl, you need to figure out the trick, and i don't get the impression anybody even got that far)

i mean sum (35 C i), 3<i<20 is a very big number.

hectic week, but serious work tonight. could be quite a bit of it, actually, by the end of the weekend. i'll need to pause to hit a punk show tomorrow, but i otherwise have nothing in front of me the next few days except the completion of some remixes...

uploading the soundtrack to an italian breakfast cereal to youtube

back in the twelfth grade (which was early 1999), i was approached by an acquaintance to provide music for a project he was doing in his advertising class. he had to make a short a video. the theme was anti drinking and driving. he requested a quirky sounding techno tune. this is what i provided, and it was well received. i have not seen the end result, but it apparently had to do with struggling to find car keys in a drunken stupor..

this did not take me long to make (i'm literally just brapping around in an 808 emulator), and i haven't thought particularly highly of it over the years. however, this kind of simple 808 work is apparently currently trendy, so maybe the hipsters will consider it ahead of it's time....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPV1hQ0vrZc&feature=youtu.be

shipped.

and i feel good about it.

that was a rough week, actually, glad it's done.

first pressing done!

it's a small pressing: one copy for me, one copy for the dude. but it's done and will ship in the morning.

as expected, i mentioned hits were up and hits went down. i've got a lot of space to work with this month, but if i mention hits are low this week, will they go back up?

i like my disturbing photo.

i don't like people gendering me incorrectly.

so, due to the vast ubiquity of human stupidity, i feel forced to change it.

it's unfortunate. but i don't feel i'm to blame.

so, i've settled on getting one of those epsons tomorrow.

i could have gotten a cheaper canon for $40, but it didn't have a scanner and if i'm going to get a device like this it really ought to have one. i literally have no use for a fax, but the scanner is worth a few dollars. there's also the new factor.

now that i have a better understanding of costs, i've revised prices and added a few new aleph-numbers.

not the work i had in mind when i promised, granted, but it took some time to do.

====================

format / digital / physical:
 single / $1.25 / $5
ep / $2.50 / $7
record / $5 / $10
double / $10 / $20
7.5 hour dvd-audio compilations: $50
13.5 hour flac compilation discs: $100
30 hour mp3 compilation discs: $200

note that flac is higher quality than mp3.
therefore, mp3 discs contain more music.
be sure to purchase what you WANT.

shipping:
$2 - can
$5 - us
$10 - intl

shipping rates are flat to the max, meaning i may gain slightly but i won't lose on shipping. it's otherwise about $3 to make a package. 20% of the sale price goes to transaction fees. this is as cheap as it can be while still being worthwhile to produce.

feeling a thousand times better...

i'l get some work done tonight, promise.

i got the er to give me two months. that had better be sufficient; that is, i need to make sure it's sufficient, because it's not going to happen a second time.

1) absolute cold turkey on smoking from this point. i'm not giving them that as an excuse. nicotine is also an estrogen blocker; i have noticed that my breast size increases when i'm not smoking. it's like...i decided to quit smoking...and have....but shit keeps coming up that freaks me out. that's done. it's become a threat and needs to end.

2) i need to get on the phone tomorrow and pester for an appointment asap so i know if i need to get out of town for a third doctor or not. if i have to take a bus to london or something...

3) i'm going to have to look my best when i do walk in there.

in short, i'm going to take the hint and convert it into an incentive to better myself a little. i've maybe been stewing in my own bodily fluids a little too much recently. that's kind of a gender neutral conclusion. i've been eating well and walking a lot lately, but maybe i should be taking better care of myself in other ways, regardless.

i might look back on this as the kick in the ass that i needed to get things going again, after kind of stalling for a bit.

ffs, nothing takes paypal or echeck...

excuse me while i throw myself through a window. no, honestly. i need to sit down and think how i'm going to do this.

maybe i can get a hold of somebody in ottawa.

i wonder how hard it is to synthesize it....

what's going to happen if i go off hormones?

- depression
- low self esteem
- mood swings
- anger management issues
- possibly suicidal behaviour

you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go to the emergency room.

tomorrow.

i was not a happy person before i went on them. i'm not going to argue that i'm the happiest person in the world now, but it's a definite improvement in my well being and outlook on the world.

i may end up harming myself. i need to get that across.

no, i'm going to go now...

here's an interesting promotion.

buy estrace, get free viagra. like i have any use for the viagra. so i may end up with some free viagra; if anybody wants it, let me know...

ugh.

somehow, the files from the doctor i spoke to a few days ago ended up at the clinic i went to today. he was suggesting that there's a "health risk" involved in the estrace - even though i've been taking it for years and am in perfect health. so, the doctor at the clinic couldn't overrule the specialist.

i'm not wasting any more time trying to convince a doctor, i'm just going to order online. it's actually a little cheaper.

it means i'll have to put a few other things on hold, but so be it.

estrogen can be connected to blood clots in some cases. but that's true of everybody that takes it. it's bullshit, really. i don't know what's really going on, but i'm just not wasting any more time trying to figure it out.

i'm not angry so much as i'm annoyed. i mean, i'm of the opinion that these drugs should be available over the counter.

at this point, it would be a far greater health risk to go off of them all at once than it would be to continue with them.

i'm dreading this - it's going to really kill my confidence and put me in a depressed state if i don't get this prescribed - but here i go...

it's such stupidity, ultimately. worst case, i'm going to order it from india. these doctors have no right to deny me access to medication i've been on for fourteen years because they don't like my hair.

i can’t be stopped. it can be made easy or hard.

it's not bad when it's dry; the way it spread out actually gives it a sort of natural/dirty look, with darker shades underneath. but i'm going to go red sooner than later.

well, i'm blonde again. sort of. i should have used two boxes. you're kind of helpless once you get to that point and can't go back.

clarity (original vocal mix)

this is the version that is on the rabit is wolf demo.

recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track completed on march 2, 2002.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-original-vocal-mix

clarity (redone original demo) (final mix)

yes, a redone original demo.

i had an instrumental demo of clarity from november, 2001 that i had used to construct the first completed version. somehow, it got lost except in mp3 form. so i reconstructed the demo from the samples and completed it as i did the first time. the redone part is rather trivial - it is virtually identical to the november demo.

this version is structurally different than the version which appears with vocals on the rabit demo. i modified the form of the piece to better facilitate a vocal part. in the absence of that vocal part, it made sense to revert to the original form.

i just feel it's worth capturing in this state, as it was pivotal at this point between being a rabit tune and being for one of my own projects. the initial intent for the piece was for it to open a hypothetical third inri record, named trinri. i'm glad that never happened. so, this is the branching point.

created in the fall of 2001. final reconstruction date is oct 13, 2014.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-demo

there's one rule when mixing: don't mix under the influence of anything. i broke that rule, and am going to have to redo the redone clarity original demo. the volume on the mix is all wrong...

shit, i wonder if i could even claim the printer. i haven't received that letter of doom, though. kind of drawing attention to myself...

it's essentially a business expense.

and, if it doesn't work out, for whatever reason, i found a source for cheap lightscribe discs. so, this is all worked out...

good. because i'm hungry.

wait....wait....

there are some cheap epson models at best buy that get me under $75 with taxes. i can't go until tuesday, so that gives me time to wait for kijiji, but it's a totally legit option.

bah....that canon's out of stock everywhere, anyways.

the way they sell it though...

"only replace the colour ink tank that runs out."

yeah. so, spend 4x as much on ink.

i like the idea of printing the insert in higher quality, too, i have to admit. glossy paper. costs an extra $0.50 or something but it's a big difference in looking pro.

i've been talking about a distribution deal, but i kind of want it to be secondary. i'd rather run things out of my basement.

and, if i can get something set up, i wouldn't mind floating the idea around here of actually distributing things for other people...

i can't find evidence, safe to assume they don't...but i'll ask if i end up going in to print the inserts....

the one new one that does what i want and might be obtainable cheap enough seems to be a canon model, the pixma mx922...currently honing in on this....

but, ugh. it comes with half-filled ink tanks and takes five cartridges.

i'm not sure if you've heard about this, but they're actually putting *chips* on the cartridges, now, that shut down after a set amount of prints. that means you don't buy the cartridges until they run out, you buy 300 or 400 prints. that's criminal, really. and they've put 128-bit encryption on them. why do we have regulations, when companies can get away with such blatant robbery?

the canons are the only low price option. the thing is they get you in the end with the ink.

i'm not going to buy a new printer every time i need ink. i'd rather get something a little older.

some of the higher end brothers seem to do it, but the price of course falls over time. i'm hoping i hear something back from one of them.

if it had anything to do with ensuring print quality, they wouldn't use 128-bit encryption. it's beyond overkill by any excuse.

that encryption is there to disable perfectly good cartridges.

this is why i've been printing at the library for the last ten years...

i didn't even think to wonder if they print cds. seems obvious that they don't. but their mandate as a public service can be surprising at times. i should look into it, i may be pleasantly surprised...

no, i think i was right the first time.

if i pay $40 for something on kijiji (and there are some), it's going to be more like $100 after i get ink. but i can't find a model for less than $100 (they all come with ink) online, either.

let's see what response i get from kijiji. if it's weak, i'll have to take a walk around.

i don't want to spend more than $75 total, really. if it gets more than that, i'll have to order the lightscribe discs and keep to the initial plan.

i mean, there's a logic to it, right: if i have enough generated to buy a printer, buying a printer is worthwhile.

yeah, there's some cheap options there, it's probably the best option.

for $50, i may actually be able to get a brand new one. i was thinking something like this would cost a lot more. i'll go down on tuesday....

there's been this problem with printers for a while: it's cheaper to buy a new printer than it is to buy ink.

gah...

couldn't find lightscribe discs anywhere. the salesperson talked me into buying some discs i knew wouldn't work and they do, in fact, not work. have to bring those back on tuesday....

i think i've exhausted options in town. there's always detroit, but i may have to order them online. it's an older technology, now, that didn't really take off. but i can't afford the type of cd printer that did take off. i'll have to get one cheap eventually, but it's going to be a while...

well....unless i *can* find a printer for cheap, i guess.

see, here's the thing: i've sold one cd. i'm not yet optimistic that i'm going to sell a whole lot more. a printer is very useful and everything, but you have to put it in context. $200-300 on a printer (which would pretty much clear me out) isn't really a justified expense right now.

but if i can get one for $50....see, it's a general tool that is useful to have.

let's see what kijiji has to offer...

see, the actual printing is way better. lightscribe kind of fades after a while. i'm not putting any abstract art on it or anything, but the value of the commodity is the *number* that appears on the disc. that's what i'm selling, really, at this point - is having a numbered demo from somebody that may (or may not) end up being recognized as substantial.

my plan was to sell the number burnt with lightscribe (because that's what i have) until i've sold enough to buy the printer, then use the funds i've generated to buy the printer. but that might not really be feasible due to the difficulty finding the lightscribe media.

i have lightscribe dvds, but they're not going to read on all players. i don't really like the idea.

you have to put money down if you want to build something. i get that. it's just a question of return value. i'm happy to see the sale - and this guy is going to get something with a number burnt on it, he can be sure of that - but i'm not really convinced i'm going to see return value from the investment.

but, like i say, i need a printer anyway. just how much are they.....

uploading rabit is wolf to youtube

so, i've decided to stick with the original 2002 mixes for youtube uploads, and i'm going to put them all up at once. this is keeping in mind that youtube is a front-end for bandcamp...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POzq3nMWQyA&feature=youtu.be

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LYwajc7-Xo&feature=youtu.be

i'm shocked. i sold something. woo!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roRQ2mNwMMQ

it felt good building up that cover art. first time i've done that in years. inri029 now has a sleeve.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations



next thing is to try and find some lightscribe discs around here. windsor is kind of notorious for being low in stock on...everything. it's one of the tomato producing capitals in the world, and half the time the stores are out or full of mouldy stock from mexico (drives me nuts). it's detroit, canada, basically. hey, that's why i moved down here...

i'm sure i'll find them somewhere and be able to print it off on tuesday (monday, here, is canadian thanksgiving. bullshit holiday, but it means everything is closed.). it's going to take far too long to order something...

apparently, 40% of the population of windsor doesn't live within walking distance of a grocery store.

compute that.

major retailers (rona, for one) have recently left the city because they can't police the stores. i went into the rona about a year ago to get some exacto knives, and i had to be escorted by security past an armed guard because people were using them to rob the place.

there's still a semblance of peace on the surface, but it's really a pretty crazy place.

but i can integrate the walk to drop off compost with a lightscribe run, which will take me to one of the less crazy areas where there's a radio shack and a staples and stuff...gotta be some in one of those stores...

thanks

jessica
hi,

i gotta say you're the first person that's bought something since i put the site back up last september. selling cds isn't easy nowadays, so it's breaking through a bit of a glass ceiling for me. thanks for your support.

as this is the first thing i'm shipping, 3 days might be more like 5 days. i need to get the proper supplies. i have done this before, it's just been a few years; rest assured that it will be shipping shortly.

primatemaster
Hello,

I'm simultaneously delighted (if I had business cards I'd be writing 'Patron of the Arts' on them right now) and a little disappointed to be first. It's the first CD I've purchased in quite a while, so some sort of reflected symmetry there.

From listening to a randomly selected range of your work on bandcamp and youtube, I've probably picked one of the easier-to-listen-to ones to buy. But I found a lot that I like and just as much that will need more time before I know what I think about it. Often in the same track. The first thing I stumbled across was 'evil is a human construction' which immediately sounded frantic and fantastic (my first, probably unoriginal, thought: music for Cylons). A couple of weeks and multiple plays later and it is still a favourite.

Anyway, that's enough of my rambling.

Looking forward to hearing your future releases,

jessica
the cylons thing is interesting.

that track, 'evil is a human construction', was mostly composed in my head while i was stumbling through ottawa night clubs. i was going through a periodic dancing phase. something i've often found myself doing when i'm dancing is imagining guitar solos over the house or trance beats. i probably look like a crazy person, lost dwindling off into the twilight realm of my own secret thoughts, even blurting the notes out loud sometimes (memories  may be fuzzy, but i'd like to think i've avoided air guitars on the dance floor). i plan to create an entire record based more or less around that idea, so there will be more in the style coming, it's just that i have a list of stuff to get through first.

primatemaster
To try and explain that: There's a relentless and restless feeling throughout: at first oppressive, then panicky with associated disorientation, followed by acceptance/liberation/relief and wondering what comes next. (Yes, I wrote that during another listen.) Combine with a guitar sound that reminded me of music from BattlestarGalactica (Heeding Call going into a cover of All Along The Watchtower) and my mind said: music for freshly-self-discovered cylons.

In retrospect, cylons are not the important detail.

So, if 'interesting' is a polite way of saying 'nonsense', I can't argue. In my defense I was mildly concussed after a bike crash. Still like the track.

Dance / reaction from nearby people
Air guitar / 'She's on the good stuff, I want that'
Air drums / 'whatever she's on should be banned'

Listening to 'interplanetary isomorphism' a lot now. It's beautiful.

so, the next milestone is this track hitting 300 hits. it's been climbing slowly, but hits are up enough this month that it should be in the next day or two.

speaking of hits being up, i'm sort of afraid to mention it, because the last time i mentioned hits were down, they went way up. if i mention that hits are way up, will they come down? what exactly is going on here?

a few months ago, i pointed out that i was expecting the curve to start rising again in october. but my goal this month was 3000 hits, and i'm currently on track for something closer to 4500. every time it looks like it's going to fall a bit, it rises way higher. my average last month was 98. this month, so far, it's 142. if it keeps at this pace, i don't know what to expect for november - another flat line, an increasing curve or even a peak....?

but, right now, they're up very high leading into the demo switch over. i can only hope they stay that high as i switch gears and i didn't peak in 1996....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbNeNaff53Y&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbt7bpF1Br2dC4QlJzoOC6rF

ugh. fine.

blonding and maybe also redding tomorrow. it's been a while since i dyed....two years almost...it makes a big difference, though. my natural hair colour is kind of ratty looking, and there's not really any way to style it away.

i guess i've just been sitting in my room by myself. i've been to some shows, but they're the kind where i'd rather not get hit on by smelly indie boys. few incentives to care. i'm really not that vain.

it's been a while since i updated my profile pic, too. bloody patriarchy. but i'll play along for a few weeks...

i have the dye already, i've been meaning to, just never really got around to it.

it should be nice enough on monday, even, to go out in shorts and a tanktop.

the doctors in this city are real hard asses.

so, i went down on tuesday to refill my estrogen (specifically) and learned i was on my last refill. so, i asked them to send a fax to the ottawa doctor, as they had previously done. i got something back from the doctor indicating he's no longer practicing, along with my last refill (from him). that meant i had to find a doctor here.....

i was able to quickly set up an appointment for this afternoon with an endocrinologist that deals with gender transitions. it was the same process i went through with the shrink i saw a few months ago - he decided he didn't like my attitude, accused me of having a personality disorder (which is probably true, that's why i went to see the shrink, although he wouldn't diagnose it) and tossed me from his office.

what led to the conflict was the suggestion that generally people that come in looking for prescriptions are "already living in a female role", to which i retorted that i am and have been living in a female role for many years. apparently, he didn't find it convincing. it's true that i'm not the hyper-feminine type. but it's also true that if you pulled a dozen random women off the street, i'd be somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum presented. lots of women walk around in jeans and cons and no make-up. it's entirely "normal". so, no, i'm not the hysterical trans stereotype, but the hysterical trans stereotype really isn't at all representative of women of my generation, either. the hysterical trans stereotype is actually probably indicative of a greater psychological issue than gender dysphoria, at this point, but the literature (that i've seen) is just absurdly stuck in the past. i'm really a pretty "normal", "average" kind of late 20s or early 30s woman of my age and peer group. i guess that wasn't good enough for this guy.

there's also the fact that i'm in my 30s, even if i happen to look many years younger. i've kind of grown out of the heavy-make-up-frilly-socks stage of life. i know the hysterical trans stereotype is attached to not growing out of that at all, but it's also attached to really gross sexual fetishes that i simply don't have. further, i have to be honest that i really don't like being put in a situation where i have to defend the fact that being transgendered does not imply anything about sexual preferences. at all. i'm a very sexually conservative person that has consciously chosen to not have a sex life, and it's really....gross...to have to justify my gender identification in the face of not being perceived as a tranny slut. i'm not going to walk around presenting myself as an insecure teenager, or, worse, a street walker. i'm just not that person. i like comfortable clothes that minimize my sexuality, and i'm old enough to walk around in them without giving a fuck.

i then suggested that it's not his role to act as a psychiatrist, that i've already been through that process and he really has no place in undoing an existing psychological diagnosis. that's when he started to get standoffish, but the fact is that i'm absolutely right. if the guy thinks he can undo twenty-five years worth of thinking and months of talking it over with a shrink (it was a long time ago, but it happened), in well under an hour (more like ten minutes) then he's simply an idiot. i'm sorry. it's utter stupidity.

so, i went back to the clinic that sent me there in the first place. i was able to determine that the doctor there *could* refill the medication for me, but has decided to *not* do so. as far as i could tell, it was a religious thing. she repeatedly stated that she had to be at a mosque for 2:00, which strongly suggested to me that she's opposed to the whole thing and referring me to somebody else out of principle.

i got a new referral in. but i'm very skeptical that it's going to get me the refill before nov 1. i at least now know that virtually any doctor *could* do this refill for me, for at least one month. i'm going to have to get out on monday and try to find one that will.

i didn't have makeup on, and i'm older than the model here (although don't really look it), but i otherwise didn't look that different than her:

https://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/White-Tee.jpg

is there something unfeminine about that, or is it actually a pretty "nomal" outfit?

i'd argue the latter.

it was probably *too* normal. but i'm not a drag performer. i'm the girl next door.

the literature is just really fucked.

well, i had pink shoes. and a pink sweater around my waist. that matches the shoes. minor detail.

in addition, i wasn't going to a job interview or a party or on a date. i was going to a dr's appointment. is it not far more bizarre to dress provocatively to see a doctor than it is to dress down?

would you not expect a mostly transitioned, integrated transperson to dress "normally"? would a really colourful or brazen outfit not be evidence of difficulty integrating?

but i've been to these doctors and they expect transgendered people to show up dressed provocatively. i'm not going on a feminist rant about this, what i'm thinking is obvious, it doesn't need to be stated.

i think i have to be rational about it. i've spoken to two doctors so far. one seems to have been enforcing patriarchal expectations. the other seems to have had religious objections. surely, i can find one with neither bias.

i'll point out that the nurse at the clinic indicated that the endocrinologist has a history of this kind of bullshit. i'm not the first person that's gone through this with him. so, that's another rational consideration - he's reacted like this before.

but, the doctors here that i've seen so far sure are hard asses, wow....

i guess it reinforces the importance of finding a good doctor.

which is something i have no choice but to do, now.

--

i need to stress this point: you'd think if i showed up in fishnets or something, at the age of 33, i'd be bipolar or something. honestly. you don't see women my age walking around like that to go to a doctor's appointment.

but that might be my error. maybe i'm so comfortable with myself in an essentially post-transition space that it never crossed my mind that i had something to prove to this guy.

i don't have any "business attire" to wear to the next appointment, which is a more suitable wardrobe for somebody of my age and experience. but i need to be more conscious of the fact that the guy is going to be analyzing me relative to where i was in transition five years ago, rather than where i am now.

it's bullshit. i'm mad at myself for compromising my values like this, but i think i'm going to have to.

like, i'm already transitioned. i've been transitioned for a couple of years, now. it's not a question of progressing through stages, it's a question of maintaining access to medication.

i just happen to be a chick that looks a little like a dude, and there's not really anything i can do that's within my budget to reverse that.

....but the doctor might not realize that. i'll argue strenuously that it's not his place to question it, but it's not going to get me closer to getting what i need to maintain the post-transition state.

i can't really dress for work, because i don't have a work wardrobe.

i don't want to dress like i'm going to a party, that's revolting.

but i can dress for a casual date. he fucking starts hitting on me, though, and i'm strangling him with his fucking stethoscope...

--

there's another sort of nagging concern in the back of my mind.

i've been around enough "trans support" groups to know that a lot of them are actually fronts for prostitution. his language of "i don't get a good vibe from you" and the tone of voice that he said it in kind of immediately set off those bells.

it sounds off the wall libellous, but trust me when i say it isn't: the guy very well might be a pimp, and he may have quickly determined i wasn't likely to work for him, and tossed me on my ear because of it.

i need to stop flipping out over it, though, and just get to work in finding a better doctor on monday....

i mean, the first thing he asked me was if i was bisexual. normally, they ask about it, but they don't make assumptions, and the way he asked was sort of slimy.

i responded with the truth: i'm asexual. well, i've been on testosterone blockers for four years. i don't even masturbate any more - i probably couldn't, at this point, if i tried, but i haven't tried in....a long time. i get the odd dream, but they're separated by months. and while the refrain for the last few decades has been "actually, women LIKE sex"....the truth is you need to put a "some" in there. i don't really have much interest in lying around while somebody else gets off on me. sorry.

i hadn't had sex in almost five years before i went on the testosterone blockers in the first place. the transition hasn't altered my sex life in any way, because there wasn't one to begin with. and, going off hormones isn't going to have me develop one - i'd just start masturbating again. the reasons i'm not interested in sex aren't at all connected to my gender identity. i went through a relationship about ten years ago that just completely soured me on the whole idea of relationships, and i've been single by choice ever since. they're really completely unrelated things.

but, i got a huge frown from it, as though i was stating i wasn't of any use to him.

--

just to clarify: i have absolutely no sex drive, but i actually prefer it that way, as it clears up more energy for other things. i'm not asexual because of the lack of sex drive, but the lack of a sex drive makes me more comfortable in my asexuality. you interact with people - of whatever gender - a whole lot differently when you already know that you'll never, ever have sex with them. sometimes, there's a little work in establishing that, but once it is established, it just really clears the air. there's no pretensions. no fantasies. and you figure out quickly who actually likes you for who you are and who has ulterior motives. call me a eunuch if you want, and tell me i'm an anomaly in our current culture if it makes you feel good about yourself, but i'm happier with no sex drive.

if i had to choose only one of the three drugs to take, i'd pick the testosterone blocker over the estrogen or progesterone immediately. that's one of the more profound conclusions i've come to. i haven't been reflecting here as much as i was a few years ago, but i've been thinking about that quite a bit. the feminizing aspects are desirable to me and everything, but i'm at the age where there's not really any actual consequence of them. if i were to go through the process of actual sexual reassignment now, i'd be in an age category where sex is infrequent by the time i got done, sort of thing. and, then, what have i accomplished besides having to squat in public? but the chemical castration has had really positive effects on my mental well being. that's the thing i'm going to fight the hardest to maintain.

i just find the whole thing to be such a huge waste of time. in the end, i'm going to die, and do i really want my life to have been focused on sex and labour? god, what a horribly trivial existence! i want there to be art, writings - things of substance left behind. this idea of life as a hedonistic adventure is just revolting to me. i know it's our culture. it's the way our society spins. but i'm really pretty comprehensive in my rejection of our culture and society, aren't i? it shouldn't really be that surprising, when you put it into the context of what i think about every other component of the world we inhabit.

i think i'd be more likely to fall in love with a robot than a human, but i doubt i'm going to live to see the day...

in the end, transhumanism will probably abolish sex.

i'm ahead of the curve on this and i know it. same as all the other things....

--

when i was a kid, i used to often hear that

"women can do anything men can do except pee standing up."

my dad told me that. often. i think there's quite a bit of truth to it.

if i really sit down and carefully weigh what life is going to be like pre and post srs, i have to honestly conclude that the only thing that's actually going to change is the peeing standing up part......and for the months of therapy and healing and everything else involved, it's hard to come up with a logical argument in favour of it.

there's an emotional component, but i've never been driven by emotion, i've always been driven by logic.

if it was 15 years ago, the calculation would be different, but it's pointless now, i'm too old.

--

so, i had a bad appointment today...

i'm done flipping out over it for now. back to work.

i didn't get my clarity mix up before midnight, i got distracted. it'll be before the end of the weekend.

as expected, 'mom' has reclaimed top spot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oSadVCVav8&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbslW9qCBKT_nEcwUt1DY0aN

the wonderful noise is also track number three to cross one thousand hits.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHCzsrJk55M&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbslW9qCBKT_nEcwUt1DY0aN

the second demo will enter it's promo cycle at the end of october. right now, it seems like most videos will get very close to or over 1000 views. i'm not setting goals for these as i move, but that's a decent start, i think.

i've received a lot of bad comparisons over the years, but comparisons to this ariel pink character may be the worst i've ever heard.

as far as i can tell, he's some kind of 60s novelty act, right? i write futuristic chaotic noise rock.

i'll admit i've only heard two or three songs, and i've skipped through all of them (because he couldn't even catch my attention for ten seconds), but i seem to be the precise opposite of this guy.

i mean, 60s music from the 60s was mostly garbage.

who needs to hear 60s music from the 2010s? what's the point? why not just go climb into your great-grandmother's grave?

what's weird is that the young people nowadays seem to look at the 60s the same way that conservatives of my generation once looked at the 50s - it's a simpler time, when things were perfect, before the complications of modern existence.

a fantasy, of course. there were significant riots in the 50s, and even more riots in the 60s than the 50s. if i was alive at the time, i wouldn't be singing dylan songs in the park with the other dipshit hippies, i'd be out taking part in them...

i think that's why the comparison bothers me. he's a fucking hippie.

or at least i think he is, i don't know much about him.

i might be wrong, i dunno.

i'm not really interested in wasting the time listening to it to figure that out.

revised workflow for 2002....

inri35:
clarity - feb 1

inri36:
9:46 - feb 8
me, myself middle mix - feb 10, 2002

inri37:
9:46 - feb 8, 2002
day - feb 19? - organize this after 9:46
clarity complete - mar 2, 2002
time - mar 2, 2002 ()
psi - mar 8, 2002
me, myself complete - may 2, 2002

rabit: may 15?

inri38: acoustic mixes
me, myself live - may 5, 2002
jumped up & down?
day - april 7, 2002.
9:46 - jan, 2002
others

june.
i stopped juggling tracks about this time and went back to a linear work flow, which i greatly prefer.

inri39:
trepanation: spring, 2002. mar 7-july 27.
multiple versions.

aug
inri40: untitled
atom's - mid 2002
penny/nero/untitled - mid 2002 (score)
taught to twist ??
lalala (reflections part 1, alt mix)

sept/oct
inri041: late 2002 - ostrich

nov
inri042: j^2.
spin, clarity (inst), 9:46 (inst), untitled, ostrich and possibly others

dec
inri043: flying - christmas, 2002

releases become less frequent starting in 2003, due primarily to the existence of a relationship that defines the next several years of releases and the move to larger pieces.

inri044: reflections - may, 2003
inri045: thru - june, 2003 (probably)
inri046: kelowna - aug, 2003

there are some necessary releases to note in between, but the next symphony is not complete until late 2004. so, you can see how this slows down and how i'm going to push through it faster once i get through 2002 - hopefully by the end of the year.

ok, off to finish remixing clarity...

real life things happened less this week than i was expecting.

things i got done:

1) groceries.
2) set a dr's apt
3) cleaned
4) laundry
*5) attend dr's apt

* tomorrow. no, our public health insurance up here isn't so outstanding that you get an appointment in a day, i happen to have been playing phone tag and she'd already pencilled me in because she couldn't get a hold of me. well, i don't actually have a phone, so reaching me in real time with a phone number is actually impossible at the moment. yeah, how's that for being a hipster? no phone. ahahaha...

i honestly don't want to pay for the phone. that's really the crux of it. i pay roughly $20/yr for a mailbox. i will eventually get a phone and connect it to the voip service; for now, i'm using the leave-a-message-i'll-call-back approach, which creates problems when the other side is always busy.

the other thing is that i don't trust phones. i'm in the "harmless, but monitored out of interest" category. i don't need the cia following my gps around. it's just unsettling. i don't know how so many people can just shrug it off.

things i didn't get done:

1) buying wood. i can't; the bus is on detour. in a few weeks.

2) compost dropoff. i would have had to go this morning, but i slept-in. i leave my compost in the freezer until it builds up, then drop it off to some kids that use it to feed hungry people. i think it's technically a muslim group, but i don't get the impression that they're proselytizing. i'm solely interested in the feeding hungry people part. yeah, the state should do it, but if you've been in a food bank you know that items like fresh vegetables aren't actually there. it's mostly about dumping near expired goods. i don't like it, but i understand that the thatcher-reagan system is designed for religious groups to fill this void. given that reality, i'd much rather support a minority muslim group than a dominant christian group. balances of power and whatnot. so, i've got these giant bags of frozen banana peels and stuff and i need to walk 2-3 km to get them to there. leaky banana peel juice is kind of nasty, so i tend to prefer to go in the spring and fall when it's close to 0 to minimize the melt. i'll take this out next week, when the temperature gets back down to 3 or 4.

anyways....that means i've got all day to record, and i will! some kind of clarity something or other should be up before midnight...

got some student loan mail, today.

minimum payment: $1100 month. right. ahahahahaha....

i qualify as very low income, it's not really a serious concern. i'm actually not sure if the best thing to do is to ignore it or to apply for further loan forgiveness, but i'm going to ignore it for now. i mean, they can try to debit my account if they want, but they're going to get nsf every single time.

obviously, if i catch them doing that, i'll have to call them. until then? meh...

i'm in the "zero chance of paying back a dime" category.

if it comes down to it, i'm more likely to nail gun my forehead to the cra building in protest, kind of thing.

i didn't want to get in this mess and did a lot of juggling a few years ago to avoid it. what happened was my father pleaded with me to go back to school around '08. i really, really didn't want to, because i didn't want to take on more loans for more useless schooling. i was aware at the time that it wasn't going to get me any closer to accomplishing my goals in life. however, he convinced me to go back by telling me he'd pay tuition and rent. that gave me the following choice:

1) work bullshit jobs to pay rent and do music in spare time
2) go to school and have rent paid for and do music in spare time

school doesn't have strict schedules. nobody yells at you for showing up late. you don't have to deal with people. it's a better choice....so long as you don't have to pay for it.

so, i took him up on his offer.

about a month before classes started, he tells me the market crashed (this is the infamous '08 crash - it's true, it did crash, and pretty badly) and he can't pay for it in real time, but if i take out a loan then he'll pay it back later. at this point, i'm kind of screwed. i need to make a quick choice - find *immediate* employment, or take out a loan. i'd been living off a few thousand dollars i had put away for the previous few months, waiting for the rent money to start coming in in september.

finding immediate employment didn't work, so i took out a loan under the promise that he'd pay it back when i was done school.

now, he's dead (and left me basically nothing) and i have a $50K student loan that i'm never going to pay back.

i can blame myself on some level. i did make an error. i sort of had little choice but to take the loan by the time september came around, as it was the only option i had to pay rent. however, i shouldn't have put myself in a situation where i was so reliant on money coming in. in my defence, my father was always very reliable in the past. i had little doubt in believing him.

unfortunately, he badly misjudged his financial situation and lead me around by the nose a little, convincing me that he'd eventually be able to pay it down for me when the market recovered. as we all know, the market never really recovered. i held on to some resentment about this for quite a while, but in hindsight i have to come to terms with the fact that it was a function of bad planning and i'm as much at fault (moreso for not taking control of the situation for myself) as he is.

that doesn't change the fact that i can't pay this back, and i knew i was never going to pay it back as i was signing up for it.

i'll let them do the work in really tracking me down....

i'm not exactly up to date on the letter of loan forgiveness legislation, but it will no doubt kick in eventually.

don't worry - i'll check out what's offered at the university of windsor before i start nail gunning myself anywhere.

but for now, i'm ignoring it...

if i can get enough music finished before they find me, that might be what i want to end up doing, anyways.

i mean, i realize going to school isn't going to help me accomplish any of my current life goals, but there's going to be a point where these things are going to be more aligned. maybe around the age of 40 or so. i wouldn't mind living the last thirty years of my life as an associate prof somewhere, but if i don't get the music out of my system then i'm never going to have my head focused there enough to delve into it.

i'm an A+ student when i want to be. the problem is i've historically usually wanted to spend my time doing something else. the idea of advancing through these departments has really not appealed to me. but i'm well aware that i will eventually reach a point where i do want to be an A+ student because i will want to get somewhere in some department..

conversely, i don't see any future in an employment role whatsoever. there's nothing worthwhile to it. no goals, no aspirations...just a waste of time.

at this point, considering the size of the existing debt, i don't care how old i am, or how much debt it produces, i'll always pick school over employment so long as the option exists.

i have more subscribers in the last ten hours than i have views on the video i just uploaded.

youtube, you're fired.

no, seriously. whoever's pushing this model needs the boot. i've been through this. it doesn't require much thought to deconstruct it as nonsensical, and all i'm getting is empirical confirmation of that very basic analysis.

and, i know - i'm the product, right? it's how they sell it to advertisers, and they just expect everybody to conform to the system they're selling. but it defies reason, and the advertisers are going to figure this out, eventually.

that's the business world, right: fools selling nonsense to fools, who buy the nonsense because they're fools.

i should really just relax and enjoy my artist subsidy and not concern myself with it.

there is an upside to the subscriber count, i'll admit - the more subscribers you have, the higher your posts rank in the comment section. i have some ethical opposition to this, but so long as it's there, i can't complain about it. so, yeah, maybe i have 215 subscribers and apparently something like 20 of them are actually interested and it's annoying. but, they're helping me reach a larger potential audience and i should be grateful for that.

"subscribers! what's up with these weirdos? they say they want to get your videos in their feed, then they don't watch them. what's with that?"

regarding the three tracks shuffled out of tetris...

tetris wasn't ever really a real record, it was a collection of a bunch of half-finished ideas centered around the concept of being "techno guitar" music. they can't all end up together; they're located too far away in time from each other and there wouldn't even be enough space on a single disc for me to finish them all properly. these ideas will end up on records, but not all on the same record.

if i'm left with a collection of finished techy guitar tracks to release as a disc, i will name that disc tetris. otherwise, i will likely produce a new compilation that is strictly indebted to the actual idea and that will pay no attention to the chronology.

i also had the idea around the same time of taking my favourite club music and orchestrating it with guitar solos. i don't mean writing new songs, i mean taking pieces by idm artists and going to town with them. i've spent large amounts of my time jamming over techno records, so i'd like to capture it somehow.

it's a tricky thing to do right, as there's a careful line between using the beats as inspiration for guitar music and just sounding like "guitar karaoke". i will be careful to find the line when i get there. it may turn out that this concept is actually what becomes of the tetris record.

you can be certain that there will be tetris release, and it will be techy guitar music. it's just not clear what material will be on it, yet.

i'm going to introduce a 9:46 single as inri036.

the clarity single will be set up like this:

1) nov mix
2) zen
3) 2002 instrumental mix
4) 2002 vocal mix
*5) remixed vocal mix
**6) final instrumental mix

* will replace the existing rabit version. the vocals will be mixed a little quieter in some places, and the dynamics should be better. it will otherwise be the same mix.

** will end up on jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj^2 and will include some flourishes.

the 9:46 single will be arranged similarly.

lol. actually, no.

there's construction on the main street about a block from my place. normally, the bus would go right through there, but it's detoured quite a ways around due to the construction.

i'm going to be carrying a significant amount of wood home. i could handle a block or two, but it's simply too far to walk.

so, i guess i'll have to wait until the construction is done. it should only be a week or two.

guess i'll do laundry.

i mean, this shelf is going to hold nearly 2000 cds. i don't have that many anymore, but i'm thinking ahead. there's five lengthy pieces of wood and 22 shelves involved. i can't be walking over a kilometre back with it.

doing real life things this week.

today, i got some serious groceries done. still have to clean, and finalize the schematics for the cd shelf. i also set a doctor's appointment.

tomorrow, i get the wood for the cd shelf. i'll probably also do laundry.

thursday morning, i'll be transporting compost out to the compost people. they're some kids that grow tomatoes and give it away to hungry people. it's better than dumping the coffee grinds and tomato ends in the dumpster, where the organic material simply becomes useless.

friday, i have a doctor's appointment.

seems trivial. but i actually have a hard time making sure i'm doing things like this regularly. they tend to sit. forever.

i might get a mix of clarity done over the next few days, but that's uncertain.

i'm still not clear what i'm doing about drilling.

i'm kind of hoping home depot has a drill bit where i can just get them to do the holes. even if it's a buck a hole or something, it's better and probably even cheaper in the long run.

if not, something i'll want to check when i'm there is the price of bits. there are $20 drills in the pawn shops, but they don't have bits. i only really need the one bit. there's consequently basically no chance i'm going to buy a drill set. if i can just get one bit there at a reasonable price, i probably will and then get the $20 drill.

if i can't get the one bit? at the moment, i'm leaning towards finding some kind of co-op as a preferable option. surely, there's somewhere around here where i can just take a few pieces of wood in and drill some holes in them.

the other stuff i built is just screwing screws into particle board. yes, it's cracked a little, but it's the kind of thing where it's like "who cares?" - so long as it's sturdy. a makeup shelf doesn't take a lot of force. the stove is holding up the piece with the coffee maker. the little table i'm going to make is likely going to be lodged between a chair and a wall. these are items that don't need to be particularly sturdy, so long as they're handled intelligently.

a cd shelf is a different animal because it has to be standalone and has to keep up quite a bit of weight. so, i need to be drilling cleaner holes into bigger pieces of actual wood. i'll probably use particle board for the shelves, but i want solid wood for the bases. i'm probably simply not going to be able to screw the pieces together by hand.

i might try, though, if it comes down to spending $100 on a drill and bit set that i'm going to use a handful of times and then toss in a closet for twenty years.

actually, i'm going to need to drill holes for the pegs, too...

hrmmn.

i don't even know what size they are. i should figure that out before i go.

those shoes are also dead, the rain exposed holes in the bottom of both shoes, but i wasn't expecting them to last long, with the amount of walking that i do. these were very cheaply made shoes. i'm going to let them dry out and keep them for short in/out use, but they're useless for going more than a block.

i got a pair of pink cons about the same time, but i haven't been wearing them much because i tend to get stuck in one pair. those are now the main shoes, but i want to keep them out of the wet, too. so i'm mostly moving to those children's rain boots i got for the fall/winter/spring.

the cheap shoes were actually 2 for 1 so i already have another pair of cheap shoes that i can wear down to nothing for next year....

the usb card works, so i really did get a functioning usb 2.0 card from china for $4. it's not fixing the problem i hoped it would, though.

i have a really old motherboard with usb 1.0 slots on it. this is expanded with a 2.0 hub. i want to connect a 3.0 external drive to that hub. it works, but it's very slow through the hub - much slower than it is directly connecting it to the 1.0. it's a tb drive. now, the 1.1 is workable, but it means i have to leave the drive in an unheated area. the point of the exercise is to bring the drive into the living room, where i don't have to worry about it possibly freezing. i checked the temperature in there last winter and it's not actually that cold but i'm uneasy about it - even though it may even be better to leave it in a chilled environment.

i knew it was the hub the whole time, but i was hoping that upgrading to a 2.0 card would make it a little better as it would need to convert one fewer times. that didn't work out, which leads me to believe it's a model problem rather than a speed problem. in other words, i need to try a new hub.

for the $4, i can't complain, though. it's a valid upgrade and it may find a use before the motherboard crashes.

there's an added annoyance, though, which is that it doesn't read the wireless mouse or keyboard through the pci card until windows launches. it reads them on bootup when plugged directly into the motherboard. so, if i do get another hub, i'll probably leave them both active - the old one through the motherboard and the new one through the 2.0 card.

regardless, the actual pc in there is now built to it's maximum specs. there's nothing else the motherboard can take besides a negligible increase in clock speed. as old as the machine is, i have little reason to think it's going to die any time soon. it's still useful a backup pc, so it's still useful to have the 2.0 card in there. besides a little table that i plan on building in the next week, that's the last thing i wanted to do in that room...

heat's on earlier this year than i can remember in quite a while. i'm used to turning it on mid october or early november. i actually don't think i've ever turned it on the first week of october....

*shrug*. there was an abrupt shift rather than a slow cool down. it's just not going to hold over 21 in here very long when it's below ten degrees outside. and it doesn't look like it's warming back up to the point that i can get the heat back off.

it might not be on very strong for the next few weeks, but it's definitely triggered itself at 21 degrees. hopefully it's off early.

that was a nice little escape from reality over the last few days - i got a lot of listens of the new disc in - but i have to focus on doing real life things for the next few days, so it'll be mostly quiet here for a bit.

publishing the wave (inri053)

symphony 3.

this came out of a two-person psychedelic folk project i was working in over late 2001 and into mid 2002. we had brainstormed the idea of a piece that slowly built itself up, like a wave, and that had sporadic pieces of poetry interspersed as it did so. of the two of us, i was the musician, and he was the poet; i generally produced the music by myself. however, my vision of the track proved to be much larger than his, to the point that the two ideas could not be effectively reconciled given the deficit of technology available to us (i simply couldn't find a way to get enough resources to condense the track to under ten minutes). that left me with this seventy minute ambient piece that has mostly stayed hidden in my closet over the last twelve years.

in 2014, i strongly contemplated reconstructing the short version out of existing material, but it would have required a rethink of the process that i felt would be invasive to the poet involved.

this is very much process music. it's built on 36 distinct loops of identical length (just under 57 seconds) that assemble the collage up on a loop by loop basis, hitting it's full point only in the 35th loop. the 36th loop does not fit into any of the patterns that define the first 35, but is nonetheless the climax of the piece. this is followed by a disassembling process that is precisely the reverse of the assembling process. together, this produces the effect of a long wave of sound washing over the listener.

aesthetically, it's likely clear that i had been listening to a lot of "kosmische" style synthesizer music of european origin. it's actually a key part of my musical style, so a bigger exploration of it's themes is not at all out of place. however, i generally prefer to take ideas from the genre and recontextualize them rather than delve into a full exploration. this is somewhat unique in my discography as being an album-length analog synthesizer work.

either as ambient or kosmische or process music, this is mostly meant as background music.

written late 2001 and early 2002. this file is ripped from a cd-r that was burnt around 2002, as that was the option that would produce the most accurate reproduction of the original composition. republished without modification in 2014. as always, please use headphones.

credits:
j - synthesizers, guitar, bass, digital wave editing, production, composition

released january 15, 2002

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave

i'm ignoring the 2007 remaster out of principle. it was for inclusion in a "symphonies" project, which is still upcoming, but i'll leave the debate for that time. inri034 will be completed shortly.

2001 has just ended in the alternate alter-reality, and it feels good to move on to a new year. 2002 will be much shorter.

i've aborted the idea of finishing the vocal wave. what i have could be reworked to include the vocals, but i'd consider it kind of weird to cut up his vocals and try to sequence them together in a logical manner at this point, considering i haven't spoken to him in years. remixing stuff is one thing, but the time window for that kind of collaboration in absentia has long passed. that's an idea for the imagination.

that means i'm stepping back from my developing idea of clarity as alternate rabit demo, because now it would just be the rabit demo plus or minus a few tracks. the clarity single just got a lot smaller. three tracks.

focus now is finalizing clarity. i'll have to stop to take snapshots in two or three places, but finishing the track - completely - is the next thing in the chart for sure.

zen

this was constructed purposefully as a slice of absolute absurdity, and it's really the only way to make sense of it.

the core of the mix was created mid december, 2001. it was slightly remixed on october 5, 2014.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/zen