decreasing the enumeration of birds being counted by one.

ESA
I was kicked out of my band today. Not even able to play at folk fest. Theyre replacing me. This is horrible.

Jessica Amber Murray
i think we had a discussion about this happening once before. i know it's probably horrible and surreal and gut-wrenching, but the reality is that you're the most interesting member of the band, the two of them together don't really have many interesting songs of their own and they're making a big mistake that's probably going to ruin both of them in the end. that's probably not much consolation, you probably don't actually want that, but maybe you're actually, in reality, better off without them. how do you feel about them playing your songs? did you talk about that?

ESA
I have no idea what my performance rights are. Theyre not allowed to play songs that i wrote or in part wrote. So theyre screwed. They have like four songs?

Jessica Amber Murray
i don't mean to be rude, and i don't know how this is going to affect your friendship with them, but al strikes me as a completely generic hipster songwriter that you can find a dozen of in every city, and as seems completely out of place in a folk band (she seems like she belongs more in an orchestra). you strike me as more punk than folk, but i guess the difference has blurred in the last ten years and i'm out of touch. you'll keep writing songs and will find musicians to jam with. as may get the gig she wants. al will likely end up doing something else with her life.

have you talked to them about the songs, though? i mean, might they try and steal them and/or continue to perform them, do you think?

ESA
Well no, we already split the royalties for most songs. I dont think theyll be sketchy about it. And i completely agree. They dont really get me. And always sort of want me to conform to this bourgy way they live. I know i have serious problems and this week i "fucked up" a lot, but they dont understand that this has to do with thursday's incident and the underlying fucked up trauma ive been through. They know about this in great detail, but yet it seems like they dont believe me and that i am sabotaging myself and the band on purpose.

Also they wrote me a letter in which they gave me seven non- negotiable conditions for re-entering the band. that i will have appropriate stage decorum, that i wont show my pain in front of an audience (whateverthefuckthatmeans), to be diplomatic to fellow artists (obviously referring to the rape apologists) and to never drink again.

Most of these things do not affect the band and are just parts of my personality that they dont lieke and want to be rid of. I dont drink on stage, and my drinking is my fucking problem. Also they refuse to believe that i may be suffering from PTSD and am triggered by seeing certain rape apologists at bars when i was recently assaulted again. They basically just think im an embarassment. Which has been decided basically after what i did on Saturday.

As soon as a female victim gets pissed, she becomes "hysterical," but i didnt get any sympathy from any of those fucking rape apologist douche bags when they saw him threaten my life in front of them. I never got an apology for seriously being in danger for a year or so because of them

Jessica Amber Murray
i know this is a difficult means of communicating, but i just want to say that i don't think you're getting any friendship support from this group of people and it's probably better for your sake to get out of that circle and warn people to stay out of it. i also want to say that this circumstance is reminding me a lot of syd barrett. we should do a cover of shine on you crazy diamond and hack the speaker system with it during their folk festival performance....

they suck. fuck them.

ESA
Yeah. my bandmates have had my back. But only up until a certain point.

Ottawa is so dead to me.

But hooray. I feel better and not suicidal anymore. The only thing I want, though is to play at folk fest.

Seriously cant wait to move. I hope i can figure out how. My mom decided to cut me out today.

Shes legit ignoring me.

So my original road trip with my mom wont work

Jessica Amber Murray
i went through something similar three or four years ago where i lost or rejected essentially everybody i knew. i don't want to say it was easy; it was one of the most difficult phases i've gone through. but, looking back that quote seems so remarkably relevant: ""Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self- esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes". i was totally just surrounded by assholes. you sound like you're also surrounded by assholes. your...mom...out? is that just mad for now or for reals shit? i can't...i've been through massive problems with both my parents, and it was never for reals... i came down with my mom :P. i wish i had a suggestion.

personally? i've been happier since i just lost contact altogether with all of those people. there's a person or two i miss, but as a whole i'm far more stable now. sometimes maybe it's the right way forwards...

ESA
I dunno if its for real with my mom. Shes never done that. But then again, neither did my brother

Jessica Amber Murray
if you really wanna play folkfest, you should get in contact with the director and see if (a) there are any spots open or (b) they'd be willing to give you the spot instead of them. honestly? if i was the director, and they tossed you from the band, i'd give you a solo spot instead of them!

ESA
Well i think theyd probably cancel.

I cant believe they already removed me as an admin for the faceboook page.

Looks like the conditions werent so conditional.

More like just a six point list of shit they dont like about me.

mom
Got it all faxed and mailed the originals to you as well. Don threw $20 bucks in to cover cost of his phone...And when he gives me the $100(from the truck) refund and hopefully the selfish part he took for himself...We can figure out a way to get that balance to you(not through mail though)....Hope it comes through the mail quickly!...

Hope they give you your moving allowance!

Jessica Amber Murray
i do, too. thanks :)

i should probably just laugh. well, i *am* laughing.

i needed a shelf for the top of my closet. it's a simple thing to do, in theory: measure the length and the width of the rectangular area, go down to the store, get a piece cut, bring it back: done. 15 cubic feet of new storage space, just like that. right?

well, i get the thing inside the closet and it won't fit. da fuck? measured the plate: fine. try one more time...still no good. da fuck?

ok, it won't fit squarely with the back. yet, i just measured it. da fuck? this is confusing. as a mathematician, i understand very well that the width and length of a rectangle are const....

shit. measuring tape confirmed it: not a rectangle. slanted at the back. to the store, i return....

dude laughs at me. rectangle? shoddy finishing? fuck. who do you think put it together, da vinci? every closet in the fucking world is crooked. no, this is your fault, precious: you should have measured all four sides.

ok. fine. i'll plead ignorance.

get it home. won't fit. shit, don't tell me..

yup.

dimensions of closet, clockwise:

27.5 - 30 - 26.5 - 31

yeah, well? fuck you too, plato.