Saturday, July 20, 2013

late night drinking to further plan the escape from ottawa

ESA
ok i'm sorry

it took longr

couldn't find my bike key

and then i sold 2 CDs

i'm sorry!!!

Jessica Amber Murray
like i was waiting here with a stopwatch, right. do you want to chill still or is too late?

ESA
deepends.

ok.

YES

uhm

well for a bit.

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, so i shouldn't bring 6 rockstars then. that might tempt you. is it just the church tomorrow?

ESA
I wont drink that much

plus the church is a BREEZE

I can poop out church music

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i won't drink that much either. ok. i'll be there in a few minutes.

ESA
sweet candy of the gods

this is what i'm playing tomorrow

this is how i know i can be up tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWQEUzOACm4

a reconsideration

Jessica Amber Murray
sorry. long. ok, i went for a smoke and ordered things and this extra bit of information makes me less upset. although more confused. a few days ago you were all like "fuck illuminous, we're hitching.". so i planned around that. now apparently your mom planned your trip for you, and it means busing with illuminous. these are details that are not even my business, really. i'll state the obvious: it's your choice. if you want to bus with illuminous, bus with illuminous. if you want to hitch with me, hitch with me. i guess i'll clarify that by acknowledging that illuminous is interested in you in a way that i'm not. and i guess a lot of your decision is going to rest on how you feel about that. ...but now that i know you're going with illuminous, i feel less tossed aside. hitching in threes isn't possible. i kind of assumed you told him you were going without him, because that's the impression i got from previous conversations. maybe i should apologize for jumping to that conclusion. regardless, i don't think i want to live with illuminous at all. "as long as you're quiet so i can get up to go to work" is like NO. he's always talking about how he can't find good roommates. i don't want to deal with that. so, it's sort of like if you're going with illuminous then i'm getting my own place. and i'm going for my own reasons. yes, you sparked something in my mind, but it's all on my own goals and interests here: a cheap place to record, an opportunity to organize the unemployed, a way to exist around the labour-capital relationship. things are better with a friend or two than alone, but it's sort of secondary.

ESA
Yes. I agree with all these things. I wasn't really sure what to do before. I hadn't told illuminous that I was bussing until last night. and he asked me if he could come. I was kind of sick of waiting around to figure things out. And I guess I didn't want illuminous to feel excluded. I thought you didn't mind/ wanted to go on your own. I sort of felt like an un-experienced hitch - hiker tag along. And I also don't want to live with illuminous for that reason, along with others. And he didn't have priority over you, because he is apparently interested in me.

And he had to ASK me if he could come with me to Windsor, and I was like "WTF illuminous DO WHAT U WANT. AHH"

because I'm independent too. I dunno, I'm generally horrible at knowing what to do. I always seem to do the wrong thing, or don't think things through entirely. :(

Jessica Amber Murray
*shrug*. at this point, i don't feel thrown under the bus anymore, so don't let my feelings sway how you decide to get there. i'm sorry for overreacting.

ESA
DITTO.

So many things to figure out!

Jessica Amber Murray
well, it seems like you had a reasonable plan before i shat all over it.

ESA
uhm wut? you didn't shit all over it. the plan was to go on Monday to scout out apartments. The how, or when or whateva was not quite determined. I need to get my mom to stop meddling. She keeps over-compensating for her lack of involvement in earlier years, but now its a bit controlling. Like I'm too much of an idiot to make my own plans.

I was like "mom didn't I ever tell you about how I can't die? No matter what you do or don't do, I'll be fine. Don't worryaboutit"

Also I appreciate how you take initiative with shit.

Jessica Amber Murray
are you trying to tell me you're a vampire?

ESA
That sounds kind of

No, I'm not a vampire.

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, cause vampires are already dead.

ESA
I'm just immortal.

Plain old immortal

Jessica Amber Murray
i used to think that, too.

i feel i'm meddling, too. just let me know what you're doing. i'll wait until monday.

ESA
and then what happened?!?!?!?!?!

You're the vampire!

YOU DIED?

??!?!?!!?

Jessica Amber Murray
i had a few experiences that allowed me to recognize my mortality.

ESA
What? Like death?

Jessica Amber Murray
near death. which could be interpreted either way. like, didn't die, right. this gets trippy, and is better discussed in person, over drinks.

ESA
oh jeez.

oh btw

Jessica Amber Murray
i've been through intense schizophrenic episodes where i've been convinced i was the next coming of jesus, where it seems real beyond more than a thought. i've had a jesus complex since i was a kid. my first handful of demoes were released under the name 'inri'. so, yeah. just thought you should know that. might come back, especially if i'm organizing the poor in windsor.

btw what?

ESA
You need to tell me more.

Because I think I had the same thing. Was convinced I was possessed by the devil

Jessica Amber Murray
more about?

ESA
but later.

anyways Mr. Playah is totes all over my fine pussay

He waited the appropriate 3 days. and then sent me a FB message almost on cue.

I STILL GOTZ IT.

Ok this conversation is disgusting. I apologize. This is the third apology.

Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'm just schizophrenic.

ESA
You could be bi-polar. that is extremely common with bi-polar patients

the jesus complex stuff and the possessed by the devil stuff.

Jessica Amber Murray
naw, don't feel bad, i feel perfectly comfortable talking about this if you do.

whichever it is, it's not dangerous, but it can definitely be offsetting for people. i guess if you have something similar, it won't be so strange for you.

ESA
As long as you can handle night terrors. if you ever see me sleep

which you probably will next week.

Jessica Amber Murray
we'll find out.

ESA
Thursday I woke up

barfed a bit. Hung out on my bed. and my living room was littered with 9 condoms.

bahhhhh ok sorry again. LOL it was too funny.

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i think i'm glad i got out before that happened. i don't remember the night clearly, but i do remember that when i came to (i was half passed out on your couch) playa was a little sorry to see me leave. and i would not have responded well to an orgy erupting... btw, if we do end up living together, orgies are not something that are going to bug me so long as i can quietly disappear and not be harangued about it.

ESA
playa was sorry to see you leave ?

Because he didn't want to be alone with lenin and I

He was so incredibly weird to lenin

He thought lenin had some sort of weird ownership over me.

and then we mused about a threesome, but that as usual failed.

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i distinctly remember an "aww...don't leave". i don't know how long we were talking for out there when you were in the other room with lenin.

ESA
LOL

That was pretty awful. But I always need lenin times.

we talked about a threesome for a long while.

Had them almost convinced.

playa was more down than lenin. But only because lenin was tired

lenin is always tired at 4 in the morning. Asshole.

Jessica Amber Murray
do you think you could have got 'em on to each other?

ESA
YES

actually no.

I think lenin is like 99.9999 % straight

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, lenin strikes me as remarkably straight, too. you're not going to sleep are, you. i'm going to hop in the shower...

ESA
Nope I am like super giggly and wide awake.

Jessica Amber Murray
you know, i was thinking of maybe going to the lookout tonight and was going to ask to borrow some shoes. all my nice shoes are in storage. i wasn't planning on being here for two years.

ESA
what size are your feet

Jessica Amber Murray
absurdly small. i'm not sure exactly.

ESA
oh shit. my feet are definitely absurdly large

Jessica Amber Murray
damn. it's weird, though. i'm so like anti-sex and everything. but i've been wearing these little shorts all week and have been noticing guy after guy get worked up over it. i guess i've never really experience that before. this is sort of my first summer more or less post-transition (it'll be three years in september), and the first time i've really been comfortable showing a little skin. and noticing that all these guys are getting worked up is sort of working me up

ESA
LOL AMAZING

Jessica Amber Murray
i can't go in sneakers, though.

ok shower.

ESA
are we hanging out?

or are you going to the lookout ?

Jessica Amber Murray
that was a very long shower, just got out. didn't even shave. not going to the lookout, interested in hanging out.

ESA
theres some sort of gathering happening at the Art & Soul Gallery

and they always give me free beer

plus i need to pick up CDs

Jessica Amber Murray
where's the gallery?

ESA
Parkale and Wellington

Jessica Amber Murray
ok. well, i have some rockstars. i have some readying to do still, could be done in about 20 minutes...

ESA
shit ok

hmmm

they said they're leaving at 11.

I'd better go now.

I only want to hang out until midnight at the latest.

because i have another big performance day.

Jessica Amber Murray
k, you just go then, i'll see you later.

ESA
k i'll be like 10 minutes.

i don't want to hang out with racist hipies.

Jessica Amber Murray
ok. txt me when you get back.

geez, i wonder if it's sarah's birthday party :o

thrown under the bus

ESA
hey

going to Windsor on the bus at 7pm

mondayu

arriving in Windsor at 5:30 am on Tuesday

Jessica Amber Murray
alright. remind not to plan anything with you again. i'll probably hitch tomorrow, not sure i want to meet up.

ESA
TOMORROW?

we said Monday anyways

You didn't seem like you wanted me to tie you down anyways.

are you fucking kidding?

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i don't want to take the bus. you could have told me this last week. i would have left already. whatever.

ESA
wtf.

thanks for letting me know that. Didn't know you were waiting around for me. Jesus.

You didn't tell me your plan. Guess I'm not the one who is bad at planning.

I didn't know that you wanted to/ were comfortable going there yourself. Or maybe I thought it was a friend thing. I dunno. I'm hearing like a bajillion different things from different people and I can't keep track.

Whatever. I don't need to justify myself. If you don't want to meet up, and you're mad at me, then you can just add yourself to the list. I don't fucking care.

Jessica Amber Murray
it was absolutely a friend thing, but i told you i can't afford / don't want to pay for the bus. you buying a ticket means i'm hitching, because i can't/won't pay for it. i'm mildly irked for being planned around, but i'm more irked about you making plans with me and then at the last minute ditching me. and as mentioned i could be there right now and have already rented something by now.

ESA
ugh sorry. I'm all confused. Im super stressed about my landlord.

and also fucking shows all over the place

come over for wine later if you want. and don't be mad at me. i'm sorry

Also my mother basically made the plan for me. And she is confusing.

whatevah doesn't matter. that just sounds super sad and pathetic.

I played last night at the mercury lounge. and this morning from 9 to 12. I got like one hour of sleep and got home and read your message. So also sorry for being defensive.

Jessica Amber Murray
you're going to do what you want, and you have no responsibility to listen to me at all. i hope you enjoy your bus ride. but i do feel mildly betrayed, and i don't forget things. i'll have my laptop there. we can maybe meet up. but i think i'm exclusively interested in finding my own space right now. past actions imply future ones and whatnot.

ESA
Wow. You're the least forgiving person ever. and you don't care about my stress level/ or all the other stuff I've been trying to figure out. I am way busier than you, and very scatter brained. Good. Past actions imply future ones. I apologized. The decent thing is to try to work past it, and not write people off.

HA. That means our friendship is over.

Good on ya! I'm going to sleep.

I'm not saying our friendship is over, but if you think you can never forgive me, then it is.

I'm going to sleep. If you want to talk about it later, I'm available. If not, I don't know what to do.

Jessica Amber Murray
get some rest, erin. i'm just not excited about living arrangements with somebody that is willing to, and apologies for an untimely metaphor, but throw me under the bus on a whim. that doesn't mean we can't have a few drinks together if we're both in the same area.

i have rockstars for later, but i'm sleepy too and need a short nap. and very unshowered. text me when you get up?

ESA
you don't know me at all apparently.

You could work on being more clear.

You're assuming that I meant to ditch you. Like I had malicious intent.

I don't really want to live with insensitive people.

Trying to leave that shit in Ottawa.

Or at least people who use extremely intense metaphors describing a mistake I made.

When you clearly stated that you would even prefer to hitchhike alone, because you'd get there faster.

I told my mom I was hitch hiking, and she offered to lend me 84 dollars for a bus ticket.

goodnight

I can't express myself. This is all too upsetting.

Especially that you're even coming to Windsor in the first place. That's the most perturbing of all.

Jessica Amber Murray
i've only known you for a few months, it would be remarkable if i *did* know you at all. but, i don't really want to argue about this. you've decided to take the bus. that's your choice. that's fine.

ESA
ha.

I guess we have reached some sort of an impasse.

Jessica Amber Murray
well, you could still hitch with me instead of take the bus by yourself, but i don't want to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do, either.

ESA
illuminous is coming with me.

But you didn't even think about him. That was all on me to figure out.

Jessica Amber Murray
well, he's following you down there because he's in love with you, so it's your responsibility to figure that out.

that's fine, things will likely work out better that way.

ESA
Whatever I hope that's not true.

Jessica Amber Murray
you're right, he's going for the job opportunities. i don't even know if i'm going to like windsor. i may end up in waterloo or st. catharines.

ESA
did you get my last message?

You would have liked it a lot. I realized it didn't send.

I was like "Ok, you're maybe a bit right."

and also "lollll about the job opportunities"

And I will have a chit chat with Sir A.

Jessica Amber Murray
*runs around in circles bashing head on multiple walls*

ESA
LOL.

Oh god I'm laughing too hard now. ugh lack of sleep. I'm fucking high

Jessica Amber Murray
go to sleep!

ESA
I have to wait until my eyes are closing or else i'll get all spinny and paranoid