i'm making progress on this.

it's been brutal in here all day, but i have no course of action at this point to resolve it besides running the hot water to try and steam the space out.

i don't understand why she won't go outside like a decent person would.

i hope that when the cancer does finally hit her, she has a long and painful death.

worst case scenario, i may have to go back to school to avoid getting a job.

like i say: i'm going kamikaze.

the first thing i need to do is consolidate my existing facebook posts, after the hook-up. so, i'll be copying my facebook posts into the master documents. i might be quiet for a few days.

i'm actually glad i didn't sign anything. i could have been in for a disaster scenario.

given that everybody knows that doug ford is going to slash disability, i'm at that much more of a disadvantage - if you're a landlord, and you know assistance is going to fall, why would you sign a lease with somebody on disability?

if he had put out a platform, we could at least plan around this. as it is, i have absolutely no idea how big my check is going to be a year from now, or what i'm going to have to do to adjust to less money.

the bottom line is that i don't want to spend my last six months or my last year fighting court battles.

i'm going to focus on completing the discography, and prepare for the worst.

that likely means i'll be staying in more, too.

i'm back in a race against time: how much can i get done before doug ford signs my death sentence?

i'm kind of back in the mindset i was in over 2014 & 2015.

what's the use in quitting smoking if you're planning on killing yourself?

but, then i got my disability renewed...

now, i'm not sure that's going to happen, so i'm back to planning for suicide.

i don't think i'm going to pick it back up. but, i'm falling into apathy around it. so, maybe it's making me sick and ruining my quality of life? i'm going to fucking die anyways, right?

as mentioned: i'm less angry and more embarrassed.

i can't believe so many of us fell for such shameless charlatanism.

and, now we have no idea what he's going to do, because he didn't tell us - we just have to look at the harris government's record and fill in the blanks.

again: doug ford is not some kind of new type of politician.

he's your standard right-wing ideologue - more like paul ryan than donald trump.

i should expect the worst.

yeah....i....

i have absolutely no idea what the government is going to do for disability amounts. i suppose there's an obscure possibility that they could put through the gai - which i was kind of half planning around. they claim they'll let the experiment through, but whether what ford says means anything or not is a coin toss.

they could freeze it, which i could deal with.

or, they could slash it by 50%.

the harris government was downright savage in it's attacks on social service recipients, so there's precedent for something very damaging. and, the economy couldn't handle what that would do, either - unemployment would shoot up to 20%. we'd be dealing with an extreme homelessness problem.

but, i expect the next four years to be very dificult for poor people in this province.

it does not make sense to do anything at all until i get some idea of what they're doing. the reason he didn't release a platform was because he knew people wouldn't like what he was cutting. but, that means i'm stuck in the dark.

i need to wait.

yeah, i...

i have no idea, right?

i get $1200/month. if i move somewhere in august, and that gets cut to $1000/month, i'll probably have to move again right away.

it doesn't make sense for me to plan to move until he announces how deep the cuts are.

i'll have to call to explain this morning.

i may just have to call my landlord to explain that i can't afford to move right now, due to instability in my income source - and all of this conflict is going to have to drag on.

so, what's going to happen if my benefits get cut?

i don't really know what the point of telling me to go work at a fast food restaurant is. there are people with kids that need the job. and, i'm not socially capable of dealing with anything more complex than that, either.

when working was a task, i could deal with it - i could go waste however many hours was necessary in order to save numbers to apply to some purpose. but, when you take away that task, and tell me it's forever, i'm left with what's essentially a death sentence - and the reality that i'd rather kill myself.

the problem is that i don't feel i'm done yet. i have a lot more work to do, before it's time to die. the question is whether i have enough time left to waste at a job or not.

i do think that it's a given that doug ford is going to cut disability rather drastically; this is going to hurt me quite a bit. and, i'm almost wondering if i want to cancel the court process in the short run.

i may have to make a call today.