Jessica Amber Murray
did you get your dad's netbook yet? can you get it by monday?
also,
what are you up to tonight? i think i'm finally feeling social.
yesterday was fucking ridiculous, i spent all day tracking my dad's cds
down at used stores...
ESA
uhmmm dunno what i'm up to... sleeping. not feeling superrr social. maybe we can hang out tomorrow? and i'll give u your laptop
Jessica Amber Murray
that works.
ESA
Saweetttt
Saturday, August 3, 2013
bicycle?
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
how much would you want for that bicycle? or do you want me to just take it off your hands?
i kind of screwed mine up a little worse than i thought. i was trying to straighten the handle bars, and i ended up losing a lot of the ball bearings that allow the front handle bars to turn (i twisted the wrong allan key open). it's still rideable, but it's not very safe unless i'm moving fairly slowly because turning is very jagged.
i took a walk down to the closest store and the guy in the store said it'll cost about $50 to fix it. i mean, i just need to get the ball bearings in, but i've never done that before, so i'd rather get somebody to do it. the thing is that that bike in your garage is the same model. so, if i can get that bike cheaper, it would make more sense to keep the one i have for spare parts...or fix it and keep it as a backup in case i've got a flat or something. i had two bikes for a long time and found it very convenient for that reason.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
how much would you want for that bicycle? or do you want me to just take it off your hands?
i kind of screwed mine up a little worse than i thought. i was trying to straighten the handle bars, and i ended up losing a lot of the ball bearings that allow the front handle bars to turn (i twisted the wrong allan key open). it's still rideable, but it's not very safe unless i'm moving fairly slowly because turning is very jagged.
i took a walk down to the closest store and the guy in the store said it'll cost about $50 to fix it. i mean, i just need to get the ball bearings in, but i've never done that before, so i'd rather get somebody to do it. the thing is that that bike in your garage is the same model. so, if i can get that bike cheaper, it would make more sense to keep the one i have for spare parts...or fix it and keep it as a backup in case i've got a flat or something. i had two bikes for a long time and found it very convenient for that reason.
j
Re: my father's cds
From: the surviving uncle’s email address
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Well, it sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on the situation, all of them actually. People rarely deal with the real issues and if they do, it's usually a long time coming. Nobody expected your dad to go as quickly as he did and as you well know it's not something that could have been predicted with any kind of accuracy. You had a chance to say goodbye and that's what counts. Often, we don't get that opportunity.
there were frequent occasions when my dad talked about leaving her. he always said he couldn't leave her because she'd self-destruct into a rage and possibly even harm herself. i'm a little worried she's in the process of doing this, but i don't know a way i can help and i'm even worried that if i try it'll make things worse.
We talked about this often. He did his part and though he may have hoped you would have some sort of relationship with her, he didn't really expect it would happen as he was not delusional. I wouldn't send anything to ferris as it really no longer concerns you in any way. Let her family worry about her. Your dad wanted you to take care of yourself and for you to be happy. So do that. Do it for you and do it for him.
We (your dad's family) do very much consider you family, so keep in touch and let us know where you are and how we can reach you. If there is anything we can help with, let us know.
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Well, it sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on the situation, all of them actually. People rarely deal with the real issues and if they do, it's usually a long time coming. Nobody expected your dad to go as quickly as he did and as you well know it's not something that could have been predicted with any kind of accuracy. You had a chance to say goodbye and that's what counts. Often, we don't get that opportunity.
there were frequent occasions when my dad talked about leaving her. he always said he couldn't leave her because she'd self-destruct into a rage and possibly even harm herself. i'm a little worried she's in the process of doing this, but i don't know a way i can help and i'm even worried that if i try it'll make things worse.
We talked about this often. He did his part and though he may have hoped you would have some sort of relationship with her, he didn't really expect it would happen as he was not delusional. I wouldn't send anything to ferris as it really no longer concerns you in any way. Let her family worry about her. Your dad wanted you to take care of yourself and for you to be happy. So do that. Do it for you and do it for him.
We (your dad's family) do very much consider you family, so keep in touch and let us know where you are and how we can reach you. If there is anything we can help with, let us know.
Re: my father's cds
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: the surviving uncle’s email address
i'll be picking my stuff up and leaving on monday.
it turns out d has a bunch of them. i'm hoping he'll let me sort through them. there's only a handful more of them that i was hoping for, but, if not, in all honesty, the fact that i have at least a few is sort of enough. most of the stuff i wanted is really easy to find anywhere: dark side, sgt peppers, aladin sane...stuff that you can get for $1 at any garage sale...but stuff that i was really attached to. off of the top of my head, the only other things i was hoping to find were joe's garage and the apostrophe/overnite sensation split.
she's actually giving me a lot of stuff, and i appreciate that, and i do trust her to at least not destroy the things i have. i can only hope that trust is properly placed. if there's significant damage, i'm going to have to sue her. she *is* legally obligated not to harm property that doesn't belong to her, and she understands that. if she chooses to act otherwise, she'll have to take responsibility for that. i don't want to do that, obviously...
the thing i understand is that this isn't actually about me, even if it seems like it is at first. when she's upset or does things that don't seem to make much sense, it's rarely about what's on the surface. what she does is pick scapegoats and then heap all kinds of abuse on to them. i mean, she's obviously upset right now, and has a good reason to be. what she's doing is taking out all of her grief and anger and frustration and hurt on me because i'm the scapegoat she's picked for that. she doesn't require a good reason to do that. often, she doesn't require any reason at all, or will make up a reason to justify it. if i want to get clinical, it's sort of a classic example of somebody passing on abusive behaviour across generations.
so, maybe she's a little upset that i wasn't there at the very end. i don't really know what to say other than that my relationship with my father is something that existed between my father and i. i spent a lot of time with him the week before i left, because i wasn't sure if he'd make it until i got back. and i even asked her - is he expected to make it through the week? should i reschedule? and she told me it would be fine and i should go. on top of that, i had a really emotional conversation with him the night before i left. it was a goodbye call. it felt final. despite what she said about him making it through the week, when i left i felt the goodbyes had been said. i expected to not see him again. and i was at peace with that. again, that's between me and my dad, not between me and the stepmother.
to an extent, she might be internalizing that. she told me he'd still be here when i got back, and he wasn't, so she might be feeling guilty about that. of course that's not her fault, and i wouldn't blame her for it. but if she *feels* like it's her fault, then her response would be to reject that guilt and project it on to somebody else. and, of course, i'm the convenient scape goat. it's even easier, in this circumstance, given the context.
so, she would be able to construct an elaborate fantasy about me not loving my father as a shield to protect her from that guilt that she shouldn't be feeling in the first place. if i didn't love my father, i shouldn't get anything from him.
this seems complex and arbitrary, but she has a lot of complex issues, and i've dealt a lot with them over the years. i feel i have a certain power of psycho-analysis through experience. it's certainly *something* like this - she is *somehow* projecting all her hurt and sadness on to me as a release, and it's neither my fault nor does it really have much to do with me at all.
but, you're right - i can't talk it through with her. i always needed dad to do that.
it's just a few more days...
when i'm gone, she'll key on somebody else. it's not going to end until she can come to terms with things and understand what she's doing. but, realistically, just about every approach has been tried over 35 or 40 years, so i don't know what's going to happen.
there were frequent occasions when my dad talked about leaving her. he always said he couldn't leave her because she'd self-destruct into a rage and possibly even harm herself. i'm a little worried she's in the process of doing this, but i don't know a way i can help and i'm even worried that if i try it'll make things worse.
i'll probably wait until i leave and then send something to her brother, ferris.
j
To: the surviving uncle’s email address
i'll be picking my stuff up and leaving on monday.
it turns out d has a bunch of them. i'm hoping he'll let me sort through them. there's only a handful more of them that i was hoping for, but, if not, in all honesty, the fact that i have at least a few is sort of enough. most of the stuff i wanted is really easy to find anywhere: dark side, sgt peppers, aladin sane...stuff that you can get for $1 at any garage sale...but stuff that i was really attached to. off of the top of my head, the only other things i was hoping to find were joe's garage and the apostrophe/overnite sensation split.
she's actually giving me a lot of stuff, and i appreciate that, and i do trust her to at least not destroy the things i have. i can only hope that trust is properly placed. if there's significant damage, i'm going to have to sue her. she *is* legally obligated not to harm property that doesn't belong to her, and she understands that. if she chooses to act otherwise, she'll have to take responsibility for that. i don't want to do that, obviously...
the thing i understand is that this isn't actually about me, even if it seems like it is at first. when she's upset or does things that don't seem to make much sense, it's rarely about what's on the surface. what she does is pick scapegoats and then heap all kinds of abuse on to them. i mean, she's obviously upset right now, and has a good reason to be. what she's doing is taking out all of her grief and anger and frustration and hurt on me because i'm the scapegoat she's picked for that. she doesn't require a good reason to do that. often, she doesn't require any reason at all, or will make up a reason to justify it. if i want to get clinical, it's sort of a classic example of somebody passing on abusive behaviour across generations.
so, maybe she's a little upset that i wasn't there at the very end. i don't really know what to say other than that my relationship with my father is something that existed between my father and i. i spent a lot of time with him the week before i left, because i wasn't sure if he'd make it until i got back. and i even asked her - is he expected to make it through the week? should i reschedule? and she told me it would be fine and i should go. on top of that, i had a really emotional conversation with him the night before i left. it was a goodbye call. it felt final. despite what she said about him making it through the week, when i left i felt the goodbyes had been said. i expected to not see him again. and i was at peace with that. again, that's between me and my dad, not between me and the stepmother.
to an extent, she might be internalizing that. she told me he'd still be here when i got back, and he wasn't, so she might be feeling guilty about that. of course that's not her fault, and i wouldn't blame her for it. but if she *feels* like it's her fault, then her response would be to reject that guilt and project it on to somebody else. and, of course, i'm the convenient scape goat. it's even easier, in this circumstance, given the context.
so, she would be able to construct an elaborate fantasy about me not loving my father as a shield to protect her from that guilt that she shouldn't be feeling in the first place. if i didn't love my father, i shouldn't get anything from him.
this seems complex and arbitrary, but she has a lot of complex issues, and i've dealt a lot with them over the years. i feel i have a certain power of psycho-analysis through experience. it's certainly *something* like this - she is *somehow* projecting all her hurt and sadness on to me as a release, and it's neither my fault nor does it really have much to do with me at all.
but, you're right - i can't talk it through with her. i always needed dad to do that.
it's just a few more days...
when i'm gone, she'll key on somebody else. it's not going to end until she can come to terms with things and understand what she's doing. but, realistically, just about every approach has been tried over 35 or 40 years, so i don't know what's going to happen.
there were frequent occasions when my dad talked about leaving her. he always said he couldn't leave her because she'd self-destruct into a rage and possibly even harm herself. i'm a little worried she's in the process of doing this, but i don't know a way i can help and i'm even worried that if i try it'll make things worse.
i'll probably wait until i leave and then send something to her brother, ferris.
j
Re: my father's cds
From: the surviving uncle’s email address
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
J, people do hurtful things. Sometimes all you can do is try be be a better person than the ones hurting you. You are aware of what is going on and I believe that the only stuff you will get is the stuff you have retrieved on your own. As much as it hurts, at least you have what you have gotten back. The only cd's I got were given to me by your dad and they were 10 or 11 cd's that were the dead uncle’s. You are not in a good bargaining position and need to play what cards you do have, well.
I'm not 100% certain, but I believe strongly that a box of your dad's personal effects have been put aside for you with your things. I would not even ask about them. All you would be doing is saying, "here is another way to hurt me". I would drop the cd issue, there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. There is not much to figure out, I think what is going on is pretty clear.
Speaking from personal experience, what I would do (and what your dad would tell you) is do nothing. Don't inquire about anything else. Just get your things as soon as possible and with as little fanfare as possible. Sometimes taking the high road brings surprising results. You are in a very tough spot, try to not let your feelings make it worse.
If you are not in a position to get your things to Windsor right now, maybe the best thing would be to hire a small local mover for an hour or two and put your stuff in a storage locker for now. At least you would be able to see what was given to you and you would know that it is safe.
Considering what is going on, I think that's your best bet. If you don't feel you can trust someone or a situation, then don’t.
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
J, people do hurtful things. Sometimes all you can do is try be be a better person than the ones hurting you. You are aware of what is going on and I believe that the only stuff you will get is the stuff you have retrieved on your own. As much as it hurts, at least you have what you have gotten back. The only cd's I got were given to me by your dad and they were 10 or 11 cd's that were the dead uncle’s. You are not in a good bargaining position and need to play what cards you do have, well.
I'm not 100% certain, but I believe strongly that a box of your dad's personal effects have been put aside for you with your things. I would not even ask about them. All you would be doing is saying, "here is another way to hurt me". I would drop the cd issue, there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. There is not much to figure out, I think what is going on is pretty clear.
Speaking from personal experience, what I would do (and what your dad would tell you) is do nothing. Don't inquire about anything else. Just get your things as soon as possible and with as little fanfare as possible. Sometimes taking the high road brings surprising results. You are in a very tough spot, try to not let your feelings make it worse.
If you are not in a position to get your things to Windsor right now, maybe the best thing would be to hire a small local mover for an hour or two and put your stuff in a storage locker for now. At least you would be able to see what was given to you and you would know that it is safe.
Considering what is going on, I think that's your best bet. If you don't feel you can trust someone or a situation, then don’t.
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