yeah.

i've decided to finally get rid of my testicles. if i can. this is not the sex change operation, which i simply don't want to do out of sequence. it would be done by now if i could find a way to fund electrolysis, but that will likely remain impossible for the foreseeable future. i just think it's crazy to try and get a full sex change while i'm still growing chin hair. and, there's a bureaucracy in canada that is actually unnecessarily restrictive - the process takes forever and rejects a lot of candidates. i wouldn't expect to be approved pre-electrolysis. but, i can't fund the electrolysis until i'm post-op. catch-22. the rational procedure is to go on hormones for a while, get the hair removal done and then get the testicles removed with the sex change. i'm just stuck at the hormone stage for financial reasons.

but, i'm getting restless. i see no conceivable way to fund the hair removal. and, i've just been on pause, waiting, for too long. i need a way forward.

the thing is that i may be able to get the testicle removal done under ohip. i don't know yet. it's ambiguous. but, if it's conceivable, i should do it. it's a next step that could be very positive.

why now?

what i'm noticing over the last four or five days (it's been building for the last few months....) is that i'm in need of a boost in dosage for the anti-androgens. this is after i just boosted my estrogen a few months ago. i'm getting to the point where dosage boosts may begin to get dangerous. and then what?

i think i should acknowledge that i have a choice: i can boost the anti-androgens (and keep up this arms war with my body), or i can just get my testicles taken out.

if i can do the latter, i should notice a lot of positive benefits:

1) i can go off the anti-androgens altogether.
2) reduced hair growth.
3) because the estrogen i take orally will no longer be fighting with the testosterone i produce naturally, it should be more effective.

i probably should have done this years ago. but, i figured i would eventually find a way to fund hair removal and do this in the usual order. and, the testosterone suppressors were working. they're starting to fade, and i don't want to just keep boosting dosages, so i need to take a different approach.

i'm going to have to talk to some doctors.

my argument is going to be that it's a path of least harm. and, i'll have to hope that they can find a way to get it covered.

fwiw, i have no interest in kids. that has little to do with gender identity - i made that choice when i was about 12. somebody talked me into freezing sperm once, but i don't even know if it's still in the freezer. or even care.

actually, it was that doctor in ottawa that got shut down for handing out the wrong sperm. so, i may have kids out there after all.

but, i'm just not remotely interested in spending any time at all with anybody under the age of 15 for any reason. sorry.

again, i'm sorry, but i'm not trying to present a false image to sell t-shirts; i'm trying to document my life as a composer for the historical record. i had a messy week. the vlogs will reflect that. if that upsets you, too bad.

but you might want to get ready for it.

real life gets messy sometimes. and, i'm trying to keep it as real as i can.

but, i also need to be clear that there is only one character here, and it's me. i'll admit that this makes things a lot easier in terms of the dynamics of the thing. but, it actually also necessitates that i open up, because that's the entire point.

when your vlog is essentially a video-based journal, it doesn't make sense to be fake. it's real or it just doesn't exist.

maybe think of it like this: most vlogs are g rated sitcoms meant to run in the after school time slot. i'm aiming more for a late night cable drama, with an older and more mature audience.

i don't really know of any parallels.