but, it might just be the weather, still.

let me give it some more time. but, i'm sick of this. i want some kind of answer, so i can wake up.

your body is just a computer; there's no magic, no mystery, no woo, nothing out there to try to grasp on to.

if it's malfunctioning, it's missing some chemical, and can be fixed by taking some drug. fine.

but, you need to prove to me what's wrong, first. i'm not interested in just randomly guessing. i don't want to experiment around my consciousness.

i want to be pragmatic about this: do the test, tell me the answer and give me the fix.

i mean, i don't know what happened.

why did my body chemistry change, all of a sudden?

but, i'm more interested in fixing it and moving on than i am in sitting around, complaining about it.

just test me for whatever i'm in deficit of and prescribe me the answer.

i don't want to talk about it or wallow in it. i don't have time for that....

i'm slowly making some progress, but i'm struggling to stay awake today...

i'm still hoping it's mostly the weather, but let me be clear about this: if it turns out i'm depressed, i really have no sympathy for myself. i don't have any patience for this.

and, just to clarify the point regarding what it is that i'm ingesting, and how it might affect my alertness.

- i don't drink at home, and never have. as promised, i haven't touched that 26er of vodka since i left on mar 12th, and don't expect to touch it again until i get to another show. i have no interest, whatsoever, in drinking by myself.

- it was april 13th when i finished the quarter of marijuana i bought about a week earlier. i will generally smoke at home at most twice a year, meaning i might buy some more in july. i have no interest, whatsoever, in being stoned right now.

- my coffee intake has increased, but it appears to be diminishing returns.

- i bummed a few smokes when i was last out on may 5th. it was like two or three, all day. before that, i bummed a few smokes when i was last out on april 15th. i may bum a few more when i go out to get my pills next week. i have no intention of buying a pack of smokes any time soon.

- i'm taking 8 mg of estrogen, 5 mg of medroxyprogesterone and 100 mg of cyproterone acetate, daily. i would not expect these drugs to make me tired, and they never have in the past.

maybe i'm misunderstanding the concept of depression...

i always thought that depression was a mental outlook, essentially a decision to adopt a negative mindframe. now, understand that i reject the negative v positive dichotomy; i label myself a realist, and don't have a lot of patience for positivity. a proper dialectic erects realism as a synthesis, and that's how i've always thought, even if i haven't always been able to articulate it that way. i want to measure the amount of water in the glass, and present an objectively true statement about it - i don't care about your opinion of how much water is in the glass, and will tell you to fuck off for trying to push it down on me.

but, i've always understood depression as the physical consequence of making a decision to be negative. i've generally rejected that as inconsequential, by rejecting the idea that the subjectivity of existence is important.

but, what if depression instead arises from hormonal conditions that you can't control, and the condition is a consequence of being tired all of the time?

what i'm trying to get across is that i am, uncharacteristically, actually feeling pretty bummed out right now, but the causality is reversed - i'm depressed because i'm tired and unproductive, not the other way around.

i don't want to be depressed and unproductive, i want to be alert and focused. the root cause is that i'm so fucking tired. so, how do i eliminate the physical tiredness? that will make me more alert & more productive, and therefore less depressed about being tired.

i've wondered repeatedly if i'm being drugged, somehow. did they put me on anti-depressants against my will? i wonder if i'm reacting to something they prescribed me, without telling me. all i can do is point out that i feel like i'm being drugged, and that, if i am, it's the cause of the problem.

i've never felt like this in years past, i've always been an unflappable person. i've usually been an insomniac, not somebody that's unable to stay awake. so, something has clearly changed in my body chemistry, and i wish i understood what it was so that i could reverse it and go back to being alert, awake and productive, rather than tired and sluggish and depressed all of the time.

if i'm the victim of some kind of experiment, please stop. it's making things infinitely worse...

i just want coffee and free time. that's all i need to be happy. really.

how much does cocaine even cost, anyways? i don't actually even know.

i'm only half joking...

i keep arguing that i'm not depressed, and i don't feel that i'm depressed on an intellectual level. i'm not sad, i don't hate my life, i don't want drugs to numb the pain, etc. but, if the argument is that depression is something physical, maybe i'm deluding myself.

is it possible to be a relatively happy person with a positive outlook on life, but be crippled by the physicality of depression?

i want to drink a gallon of coffee, but it's not working. it's just giving me acid reflux.

i dunno.

maybe i should start smoking again. it seems like my productivity has completely collapsed, since i quit.

*sigh*.

how do i wake up?

it seems persistent - every time i sit down to try to get some work down, i end up so tired that i can't even move, and unable to do anything besides sleep.

there's a large rain storm moving through here. i am well aware of the reality that i'm hypersensitive to the weather.

this is the third weekend in a row that i wanted to be productive, but that it seems like is going to be wasted. but, i don't think i'll be able to do anything but sleep it off, and hope things get better mid-week.

i still need to file a formal complaint against this judge in federal court. hopefully, the situation will clarify itself over the next few days. but, that's the first thing i'll need to do, once i get this rebuild finished with.

for now, it looks like i'm going to sleep. and sleep. and sleep....

and i hate it :(.

i never want to sleep ever again.