on happiness

Jessica Amber Murray
i spent a while this afternoon thinking about happiness and what i could possibly tell a young lady that struggles with depression about it's nature. on the less profound side of the scale, our lady peace released a mostly terrible record in the late 90s called "happiness is not a fish that you can catch". the bad corporate emo that the record contains aside, it's sort of a powerful statement that contains a lot of truth within it. on the more profound side of the scale, there's a component of marxist theory that explores the idea of happiness being a sort of illusion. this is one of the reasons i'm not a marxist, fwiw. but it's sort of accepted that the lives of workers are always going to be miserable and that the solution is to deny workers of the vocabulary and conceptual machinery necessary to understand the difference between happiness and misery so that they can continue on in a role of necessary monotony without ever understanding that something better may exist. basically, if the dichotomy between misery and happiness is simply denied then nobody can ever be miserable! marx' butchered concept of dialectics in equally butchered action. scary shit, yes. but, i think it gets closer to the more correct point, which is that happiness doesn't have an objective quantity, and that it's as possible to find happiness in slavery as it is to find misery in freedom. maybe the point of emancipation is merely recognizing that the whole discussion is more or less trivial and the entire idea of happiness is just an imaginary bourgeois fantasy. i guess how the individual reacts from that point of understanding is something that belongs to it. of course, that's easier stated than accomplished.

ESA
Yes i agree. I dont want or need to be happy, because i dont think that exists, i just want a little space from Ottawa so I feel i can think straight without reoccuring and terrible things happening. Im sick of feeling panicky because i live in a city full of triggers. I might as well try to live somewhere else. Its my last option. I am quite content with my decision to move, and i have been wanting to do so for a while. At least five years...

I find it very difficult to respond via facebook on my phone.

I got accepted to u of windsor tho. :)

Jessica Amber Murray
congrats on the acceptance :)

drugs are bad.

ESA
I think im having a full on meltdown.

Ive completely lost it. Ive been hiding in lenin’s room for two days. He hasnt been here. Its just because im scared to go to my house. I went to the hospital again two nights ago

Because i was completely panicking. And then i attacked two people in a full on rage. Two rape apologists, but still.

It took like 6 peoppe to pin me down. I was like the hulk. I am soooo confused.

And i dont remember who the second person was, but i remember shoving craptata, so it might have been him

Jessica Amber Murray
why are you afraid to go to your houseÉ has the initial event been confirmed as a meth overdoseÉ again, that sounds like meth psychosis, although i don`t want to discount underlying conditions and being rationally pissed off about upsetting things. i gotta restart, keyboard went french, brb.

ESA
I am still so distraught.

Bahhh and i am mortified because i freaked out in front of.everyone and basically confirmed to them that im a violent person. Even though that was the first time.

I was feeling a lot better for about two months, and now in worse than ever and dont even want to come to windsor. But staying in ottawa seems so.much worse. God, i hope nobody presses charges

Jessica Amber Murray
i don't have any suggestions about dealing with the after-the-fact complications of ending up with too much meth in your system, other than that there isn't really anything you can do about it or any way to know how long it's going to last for. i can't give you an uncharacteristic hug, either. i can suggest to not do hard drugs for a while? first things first, you probably need to find a way to make an escape from your ad-hoc barricade, there. when is lenin coming back?

ESA
I have no dignity left.

Hes here but is leaving for work in about an hour.

Jessica Amber Murray
i have to be honest that it's sort of seemed a little bit impulsive for you to move to windsor from the start. i had some very good reasons to move somewhere where the cost of living is cheaper. i'm on a fixed income, probably permanently, and ottawa isn't getting cheaper. you? you're at a better school in ottawa, you have family there....so there's a few assholes that don't like you. there's going to be assholes that don't like you anywhere you go. i've made a conscious decision to not judge or criticize your decision on this because i realize it's something that's reversible for you. you can always go home. maybe you really just need some space away, which is what you've been saying. we all need a little space, sometimes. but i think that if you're looking at it as a way to restart....(1) windsor is still within capitalism and still has the shitty people that capitalism produces and (2) a certain subset of things are going to follow you everywhere you go. ...and nobody can take your dignity unless you give it to them :P

ESA
Thanks for your brilliant fucking advice. I want to move because im sick of ottawa, and im sick of being abused and assaulted and freaking out all the time. I need a change somehow i think youre right. That no matter what i do, or where i go, there will be abusive assholes and i will be in an excruciating amount of pain. Thanks for.confirming what i already knew.

I am going offline now.

Jessica Amber Murray
you're welcome :). forever in debt... hey, i gotta go fax some stuff back to ottawa and go look for a dresser. i think you should go home and shower, or at least get some fresh air, and prepare for at least a few more days of feeling really unstable.

ESA
Ugh yeah sorry. Moving to windsor is because i need a break and a little perspective. Ive been here forever. Sorry for lashing out