so, i had to spend much of the last three days sleeping. i thought i was stabilizing, but i guess that the decrease to 1/2 pill/day of cyproterone acetate [the testosterone blocker that i had surgery to specifically wean myself off of due to potential long term concerns about liver damage] had an actual physical effect. i can only hope it's passed.

so, i lost the last couple of days.

and, i'm almost done this linked-list update that i didn't plan for in the first place.

it's late on thursday - in fact, now early on friday. i tried to type this up on tuesday afternoon...

i've been thinking about this the last few days, and i just keep turning myself around in circles. there's no way out - i have to rewind this back to 2013 and just go forwards. i can't do temporary archiving. i can't do small scale projects. i can't catch up. it's just too much, and the more i put it off, the more it piles up.

the only way i'm going to ever get caught back up and on anything approaching a linear path is if i rewind strictly to 2013 and just push forward on it. otherwise, i'm just running around in circles.

...and, then, my chromebook crashed. that is actually only half the post, as i lost the other half in the crash. it's the same thing it's done many times - it gets slaved by some kind of network, then accepts something pushed down to it, then reboots in the hope that, this time, it will stick. i'm going to guess that this was a retaliation for shutting off the usb ports in the motherboard, and actually making some progress in the filing.

i was able to get a handle on my tabs, this time, which is good. i can in theory reconstruct where i was at.

so, i turned it off, as i have done previously, and just focused strictly on the filing. i re-focused on what i was doing, got a handle on it, and decided i'd do a copy-back to the drive, one last time, to make sure i've got everything. this is a process that's ongoing.

i tried to log back in a few times, but i repeatedly noticed that there was a listener on the line - the cops. again. i've noticed a few signals that indicate they're listening, which is....if i was actually a bad guy, i'd have gone up there and killed them by now, because they make it pretty obvious when they're around. it's actually not dissimilar to the alien attacks on the x-files - i notice my monitor get wavy (which is probably the magnetic field i was complaining about in the last space), i get choppiness in any sort of streaming (including the voip), and the chromebook actually tells me the line is insecure, believe it or not. there are other subtle hints that i'll keep to myself. worst cops ever? it's probably pretty par, and what's driving it is probably related largely to the age of the technology i'm using, which is a bit of a lesson, i think - it's actually helpful to use legacy technology, because it frustrates the fuck out of them, and makes it easier to tell when they're around. they don't know what to do when forced to deal with a phoneless nerd using voip via a winlited 32-bit xp install on a tank-like compaq laptop manufactured in the 90s. i'd might as well be using a commodore 64.

i wish they'd tell me what they want, though. 'cause i'm getting fed up, and i'm not getting any younger. i need to get some work done. speaking of which, let's finish the thought on that post - i'm not going to be focusing on catching up during the week, i'm going to be rebooting directly back into the journals, and i'll have to update them on the fly in a forwards direction, instead. i'll just never finish anything, otherwise - i'll be in constant recursion, constant cycling. there's no other way out...

if it's relatively quick, great.

and, that means i'm not doing daily updates on the payhip site, either, because i should expect to have some updates relatively soon. i do need to finish the thought at the bandcamp site. and, then, the payhip site will need to update as the files come up. i'm reversing the logic - rather than deciding i should get the data up because it's going to be a while anyways, i'm deciding to put the other things aside and get the final versions up.

the fact that i'm running around in circles is the point. i have to break this. if i live long enough, there's no harm done in the end, i've just got a few extra projects to finish, in the long run. but, i can't keep endlessly creating more work, or i'll never get anything done. and, the whole point is that i wanted to finish projects and put them away. this detour has come to a permanent end.

so, i had to sit offline for a while, and actually stayed offline until i got home on wednesday night. i had to drop off some documents for my doctor, and was hoping to get the rec for the adrenal hormones (although it wasn't there). i got some groceries done in the meantime, and then had to come in early because the rain came in about 10 hours earlier than forecasted. and, they were still listening when i got home...

(we get to a hair under 10 degrees on wednesday and a little less on thursday. we're now only a few weeks from the solstice, and the solar realities are unavoidable, at least for now. but, it has not gotten substantively cold here, yet - nor is it in the short range forecast, suggesting we've avoided the vicious early start to winter that was forecast. the atlantic warmth i was pointing to as a buffer is pushing back the arctic air, but it's resulting in a more changeable pattern than i was hoping for. so, i seem to have got the correction correct, but over-stated it. that said, that same record atlantic warmth seems to be falling as torrential rain in the maritimes, so maybe we're lucky not to be on the direct path of the gradient.)

they seem to be quiet right now, so i've snuck in. it's a holiday in the united states. is that a hint as to who they are and where they came from?

i was hoping to get the bandcamp update done first, then get through the filing, and then get to the alter-reality. i did not finish the actual journal entries for last week. the inability to get back online has screwed that all up. and, i need to do some legal research this weekend, on top of it.

i want to finish the bandcamp linked list update first, and then we can go from there.