ok.

i'm at the exit point i wanted, which is when i finished my first record and then quit smoking.

i don't get back to the music again until june. there will no doubt be some posts made - to the alter-reality, reviews, show nights - but the music vlog is actually pretty much done. like, it's filled in the way i wanted it to be, from 2013--->2016.

that leaves me with roughly 1000 word doc pages left to rebuild the rest of 2016 with, most of it for the politics site, and i'm questioning whether i want to do this now or not. i have to at least sort through it. but i may be a little but picky about what i'm posting to the politics site, leaving the full rebuild for later.

i don't know what to expect this morning. i'm going to hand this woman a check and a letter, and tell her that the tenant below me is completely ignoring the new non-smoking policy, and continuing to chain smoke marijuana inside - as expected. i shouldn't expect her to do anything about this. but, then, why did she go around and hand out these notices?

the reason she did this was that the tenant below me was complaining that it wasn't fair that everybody else was allowed to smoke and she wasn't - again, just total grade school reasoning. but, they wanted to appear fair. so, they put this rule in place. and, now she's the only one not following it.

if i was the owner, that would really piss me off - you put a policy in place to accommodate her, and she just spits in your face. that would tell me that she has no interest in working with management.

but, it's not clear what they can substantively do about it, due to the absurd laws in this province that make it nearly impossible to throw her out.

it's a really surreal situation. this nihilistic drug addict has got us all held hostage, and the law is designed to facilitate it.

but, i'm starting to recognize that my time here may not include any actual recording. and, if that is the case, i may just go ahead and rebuild.

if i can get through the next section quickly, the next thing to do is to start writing for the alter-reality: 2017 & the first half, now, of 2018. this will permanently close my first 15 releases, or so.

it's really, really, really disgusting.

45 minutes later, the smoke is still pluming.

i'm not joking.

it's like she's running a fog machine.

i was hoping to finish up to my first record tonight and then spend the morning cleaning myself up.

we'll see how much longer i can stay awake for.

it's a really visceral, burning hate.

i've never hated somebody as much as i hate this person.

again: the problem is not the drug. the problem is the user.

this woman should be put through a fucking meat grinder and fed to the homeless.

what a fucking useless waste of oxygen.

i'm stoned.

i'm going to fall asleep.....

the smoke in here is so thick that i can see it.

it's not one joint.

it's joint after joint after joint.

on a monday fucking morning.

pathetic.

it's been pluming smoke for 25 minutes.

i'd like to go down there and beat the fucking shit out of her right now, i really fucking would.

if you have to get stoned on monday fucking morning, if you're that goddamned fucking pathetic, why can't you transport your fat piece of fucking shit ass outside to do it?

it's monday morning.

i'm trying to work...

i have an appointment in a few hours.

most people have to go to work in the morning.

the last thing i want to be right now is stoned.

:(

like, i'm left here wondering if this fucking disgusting piece of shit is trying to get me stoned, and, if so why?

that is simply not one person smoking one joint.

that is a group of people smoking many joints.

this is so remarkably frustrating.

it's absolutely brutal, tonight.

we're going to court....

concerns about my door are subsiding, at least for the night.

"so why don't you just be an effiminate dude?"

well, to a certain extent, i guess i am, right?

at the end of the day, i don't care whether you want to call me a trans-female or a total fag. these are just labels. boxes. and, i don't really see why you'd treat me any differently if you thought i was merely a complete fag, rather than a woman.

so, you can ask me: what's the difference?

well, i dunno. you're the one that's insisting on it, not me.

and, let me tell you: if they survive the encounter, they won't be living here much longer. that's grounds for immediate eviction.

you can't quantify stupidity. and, we know these people are stupid...i'm just hoping they're not too drunk and/or tweaked out...

you don't want to be in a room alone with me when i'm feeling threatened, because i will lash out like an angry animal.

so, i'm half expecting these idiots to do something stupid tonight.

let it be written here that i might have overheard a threat to knock the door down.

see, the thing is that i'm not sure what i heard, and i didn't see anybody say it. if i had, i'd be contacting the police.

i have no patience for macho bullshit, and i don't suffer stupidity at all.

but, let it be known that i am not a bleeding heart, and that i am not afraid to seriously hurt anybody willing to enter my apartment using force. in fact, i'm likely to kill that person with my bare hands, rip out their heart with my teeth and shit on their remains.

you only think i'm exaggerating.

i really never saw myself as a smoker. i mean, i acknowledged i was. but, i never intended to start smoking habitually, and i was basically in the process of quitting from the time i realized i was.

i started smoking to stay awake because i was working and going to school at the same time. it was either nicotine or cocaine. i think i picked the better option.

and, it really does keep you awake and alert. it's the best stimulant there is. really.

so, how do you quit smoking when you have exams next week? you can't; you need to study, so you need to stay awake, so you need to smoke.

and, then how do you quit when you're working two jobs? or...

i would routinely quit for three-four weeks at a time, over and over again. so, it's really more accurate for me to say something like that i was a smoker around 70% of the time, between 2002-2016 - and a non-smoker about 30% of the time.

i never tried to rationalize it; i knew it was unhealthy, but i'd always quit next week. and, i was never happy about it, but i had to find some way to stay awake, whether i liked it or not.

whenever i had a down period, i'd get most of the way there. but, as soon as i had anything substantive to do, the smoking would start up again.

so, nobody should be surprised by how militant i'm being about this: even when i smoked, i was very anti-smoking, as weird as that sounds.

it follows that if you ever see me with a cigarette in my hand, you can be sure i'm either already drunk or on the way there.

if i end up going to court with this, all parties should expect an affidavit from me, declaring the following:

1) i finally definitively quit smoking cigarettes as a habit at the beginning of 2016, after smoking habitually from 2002-2016, with many attempts to quit over the period.
2) i have never been a habitual marijuana smoker.
3) i have never had a medical marijuana card.
4) as a rule, i have never smoked inside of any dwelling that i've inhabited; i've always smoked outside. i have not smoked anything - at all - inside of the apartment in question.
5) while i may have relapsed a couple of times due to overwhelming stress, including at the end of 2017, because quitting smoking is hard, those relapses have been short-lived and are not evidence of hidden habits. all relapses have been carried out exclusively outside of the dwelling in question.
6) i acknowledge that i may continue to smoke casually when i'm drinking, meaning when i'm at the bar. this is infrequent and likewise does not suggest habitual use - it is behaviour relegated strictly to bar patios and other places of alcohol consumption.

those are the facts.

you don't have to like them.

but please stop disputing them.

clearly, i crashed.

i need to get some work done today.

it's clear that she's still smoking inside, but less clear whether she's leaving or not. i woke up to an overhang of tobacco smoke, and have noticed some minor plumes. but, i continue to hear a lot of banging downstairs.

i guess if she's leaving then she'll want to be out by the first.

and, i'll wait until the first before i start making daily complaints. it's just going to be something like:

"yeah. she's still smoking. *click*."

again: you can't just order an addict to stop.

unfortunately, when your apartment constantly smells like drugs and smoke, it's hard to see the value in things like laundry and showering because everything smells bad again in minutes, anyways.

i'm going to have to redo the last load i did.

but i'm coming up against my own stench, right now.

and i actually think that's a good sign - if i can smell myself over the background radiation.

i've been sitting here for hours, unsure if i'm going to fall asleep or not.

either i'll get to work or i'll fall asleep.

i think that when i do crash, i'll be happy to get something a little less broken.

the air is better tonight, but we'll see how long that lasts. i'm even considering showering...

yeah, i got the regular estrace and paid the difference.

the physical is on monday.

the blood test will be some time next week.

and, we can talk about dosages and medication decisions when the results come back, in mid-may.

i could very well switch, in the end; this is just not the right time to play with this.

i'm apprehensive about this.

since i had my dosage increased a little over two years ago, i haven't felt as though my estrogen levels were low.

and, i feel that this should be measured empirically, rather than guessed at.

i will have a blood test this upcoming week; this is the wrong time for this experiment. it's just going to fuck up the test results.

so, i'm going to take the pills back and ask for the estrace, and then act as though i missed a dose.

wait.

this isn't a generic estrace, it's a hemihydrate.

the difference appears to be that the regular estrace needs to go through your liver, whereas the hemi-hydrate is just estrogen surrounded by water, and so absorbs on contact. but, if you take estrogen like this, you get a spike of estrogen and then a fall - which is likely to lead to mood swings. and, i kind of don't like the idea of taking estrogen like a drug. i want constant and stable levels, not to get high on hormones and then crash.

i know that i don't want to do this through absorption - i want my liver to regulate it - but i don't know if it's going to be as effective, taken orally. logic kind of tells me that it's going to get ruined in my stomach, if it's just estrogen surrounded by water.

i have an appointment on monday...

but, let's see what i can learn about this in the short run.

hey, here's some good news - new ownership at the local shopper's has got my pills down in cost by ~25%.

they claim it's due to moving to generics.

here's the thing: i knew generics were less expensive the whole time, and i actually shopped around a few years ago, but everybody gave me the same price. the price went up a lot at one point at the beginning of 2016, and the answer i got had to do with the brand switching. i explicitly asked for generics, and they told me something about distributors. now, the pharmacist randomly switches me back to generics and is claiming he always had generics.

?

$20+/month over two years adds up to around $500. i should probably be kind of irked.

and, i know that the previous management didn't like the fact that she couldn't refuse me service, or set her own prices to get me out of the store. she seemed to be both religious + very pro-market. but, she bought a chain store in canada, inheriting two layers of strict rules. she really didn't have the right to discriminate against me, and nobody was going to let her do it - not even her employees.

i'm going to guess that they probably did run out of generics at some point two years ago, and they didn't switch me back when the generics came back in. the new management noticed the problem, and fixed it.

so, thanks. i guess.

i don't have an argument for a claim, because i received what i paid for. i don't think the store made anything from it - it was more about enforcing a value system than making a profit.

*shrug*.

let's just look forwards...

see, now it's after 2:00, so she's extra sure that mom & dad are asleep.

ugh.

like, she seems to have reacted to the situation this afternoon by turning the cure up really loud and going in her room and pouting.

as though she'd been grounded.

"it's not fair!" - with eyeliner picking up marijuana smoke, running amuck through kyoto song.

the thing is that she's like 45.

arrested development. entitlement. just a spoiled brat. call it what you will. but, it has to end soon, one way or another.

you're going to get arguments like "but it was after midnight" or "but it was after 4:00", like that matters - because, in her warped concept of logic, it actually does, because that's when her parents went to sleep and she could do what she wants.

this is what i'm dealing with, here.

there's no logic to it.

it's been mostly ok most of the night, but she seems to be smoking right now.

it's not exactly overwhelming. yet.

but, it demonstrates the problem, which is the addiction itself. she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong. so, she's going to push it and push it until we're back where we were. and, that's why i had to file to the board - she's just not interested in making the choice of complying.

she's like a 12 year old. really.

that said, i think i overheard her say she was moving in with her daughter.

that would be nice...

you can't just tell a drug addict to stop doing drugs.

that's not how this works.

i woke up to a bit of a curveball.

the property manager showed up a little after 11:00, and handed me a new set of building regulations.

- no smoking
- no drugs

hrmmn.

everybody in this building smokes pot. this was never my intent, but i guess the owner had to buckle.

if the other tenants are upset about the universal application of the rules, they should blame her, and not me. i only care about my own unit. she's the one that cried that it's not fair. it's her fault.

that said, these rules are not enforceable, and i don't have any faith in these tenants to obey them - or in management to enforce them. they're just going to spend a lot on legal costs, with no end point.

she's smoking right now.

so, i mailed the t2 & t6 this morning.

and, i have a letter for the property manager., as well.

Update on the Situation in Unit 15

A T2 and T6 were completed on the evening of April 25th, 2018, with intent to process them on April 26th.

On the morning of April 26th, before these documents were processed, Ina appeared at my door with a new list of rules, including a no-smoking rule and a no drugs policy.

I do not have faith in the tenant to abide by these rules, and I do not have faith in the management to enforce them. My last smoke complaint was met by a request for me to move, so I don’t expect anything different in the future. And, as I am typing this, I can smell marijuana wafting into the unit from downstairs.

So, the documents were processed on the afternoon of April 26th, despite the existence of the new rules. Should the situation improve, to my surprise, by the time of the court appearance, I will cancel the court date. I would actually prefer not to move, I just can’t stay in an unhealthy unit. Be advised that I can always reapply for an end to the tenancy, with proper compensation.

Despite Ina’s claims, there was no law passed in Ontario restricting smoking indoors. There was in fact a law passed in Ontario restricting the outdoor use of cannabis. I do not think that Ina was confused, I think she was being dishonest. My legal opinion is that an action against the tenant below me would be unsuccessful, given the current legal realities. The legal reality in Ontario is that it is the ownership’s responsibility to renovate the unit, or compensate me for moving costs and damages. I did not write these laws, and do not like them much, but they are as they are.

In the mean time, I am making the following requests for renovations in the unit. There will be further requests made as the tape is fully removed.

Bedroom

When I moved into this unit, the bedroom had cracks in the wall. This was presented to management in writing, and I took pictures, as well. I eventually noticed smoke seeping in the cracks. As I did not want to be a nuisance tenant, I hoped that covering the cracks with tape would keep the smoke out. This was actually partially successful. However, management has asked me to remove the tape. I believe it is reasonable to request that the holes be patched, in exchange for removing the tape.

I have left a tarp over the water closet in the short term, until a proper discussion can be had on how to fix the water closet.

I also acknowledge that the baseboards will need to be repainted, but, as a tenant, I don’t care much about this. I would, however, advise management to contemplate the wisdom in seeking legal action over $5 worth of paint, considering that they are unlikely to even win the case at all. It would be a better idea to just paint the baseboards.

I will at least apologize for the inconvenience, but would request that you in turn realize the desperation underlying it.

Door Frame

While the seal on the new doors is in fact quite impressive, the frame was never completed properly. In an attempt to be a quiet tenant, I simply taped around the frame. This was reasonably effective. As per the request of management, I have removed this tape, but feel it is reasonable to ask for the management to compensate by caulking the door frame. This is actually a simple request to finish a job that was never really finished.

Once these issues are dealt with, similar small requests will be made on the other side of the unit.

so, i have a t2 and a t6 filled out.

i am requesting:
$1000 - moving costs
$1000 - bed
$1000 - couch
$500 - dry cleaning & laundry
$200 - tape & tarps
$100 - cleaning supplies
============
$3800 + a tbd percentage of rent paid, which will be $5600.

at 25%, that will be over $5000.

they will also no doubt hire lawyers.

the law is an ass, here. but, hopefully the court will make renting to inside smokers quite expensive, and hopefully that will create some pressure to put some more reasonable laws in place.

nobody should be allowed to smoke inside, ever. ten feet from the house should be the law....

i'm still hurting, but i'm going to try to start.

is this even possible?

well, i know what it feels like to be high, and i know that the smoke is getting me high. i'm not guessing that maybe i'm this mysterious thing called "being high". i'm identifying something i know very well.

i think that the basic idea here is correct: it's hard for second-hand smoke to get you high.

what are the facts, here?

1) this building has no "ventilation system". my windows are wide open when they can be, which is not always. hers are shut. it's certainly not a "hot box", but the smoke is only exiting one direction, and it is up. the winds tend to blow around the building rather than into it.
2) the floors basically aren't there. so, it's like i'm sitting in an open concept above her, directly in her exhale path. sometimes, it's like she's blowing it in my face.
3) i have a very, very low tolerance to marijuana. it appears to be unusually low. i also know this from experience.
4) she has a very high tolerance.
5) she smokes very potent marijuana. it appears to be very high cbd, very low thc. i actually think that the terpene stuff is bullshit. but, this is the kind of pot that knocks you out for days, without really getting you "high".
6) she smokes very big joints, and smokes them frequently.

all of these factors are going to play into this. and, all i can say is i know what i'm feeling, and it's pretty real. this is the experiment, and these are the results i'm reporting. somebody else may have different experiences, due to a higher tolerance....

....but i'm perfectly comfortable with stating that i'm getting knocked out by a high volume of high potency marijuana, even in a relatively open space, but i recognize that it depends on whether i get into contact with what i call a "plume" or not.

i'm not watching her from downstairs, but a "plume" probably happens when she takes a hard three or four hit toke on one of these huge joints. when that happens, i'm getting the smoke burned off the joint (which is substantial), the smoke missed in the toke and the exhaled smoke. what i'm getting at is that the way she smokes is very wasteful, and i'm actually getting a lot of uninhaled marijuana as a result of it.

the smell itself is not going to do it. i have to walk into one of these plumes. and, because she seems to be smoking near my bed [both before and after i moved my bed], that is exactly what is happening, repeatedly.

https://www.livescience.com/50880-secondhand-marijuana-smoke-effects-drug-test.html

"how's the pot in windsor?"

it's terrible.

my eyes are still burning, but i'm going to get a start on this. i'm not sure if i'll get it mailed today, but, if i don't i should get it mailed right away in the morning.

nope.

knocked out, again.

around 6:00.

this stuff is very, very powerful, but it's not any fun to get a headache and pass out. no euphoria. no buzz. no "high". just overwhelming lethargy, and a really nasty throb in the head.

i might actually recommend actual marijuana to get rid of this.

i can't write like this.

well, that gets me through dec of 2015, anyways.

i have a headache. again.

i'm going to get something to eat and hope it wakes me up a little and then get to writing that essay, with the full intent to mail it today. i've always tended to avoid doing school work when stoned (drugs and school don't go well together, kids), so i might have to wait for the influence to wear off a little, first.

i'm going to enter this journal into evidence, so i'll be posting detailed accounts of when the second hand smoke has an effect on me.

season 2 ends about a week into january, and the music blog is going to be updating sporadically afterwards. that should actually speed me up quite a bit.

"we spent the night playing video games and doing drugs, and then walking around talking about tv shows. 

you missed out."

thankfully, i have some coffee.

because that's the drug i like.

coffee.

i'm once again feeling tired and miserable in the wee hours of the morning.

the strangest thing is that they're just wasting their drugs.

throw a dart and you'll hit somebody that wants this.

why harass the one that doesn't?

i moved here hoping to meet people that wanted to start a new society in the ruins of the old one.

unfortunately, this place is full of people that perfectly represent that society's decay.

i don't like the junkies; it's the junkies that like me.

but, i really don't like them.

at all.

i don't want anything to do with these people that are showing up here every morning and doing drugs.

the only people i was able to build friendships with after high school were the anarchists at occupy.

those are literally the only friends i've met since i was 20.

why can't i have adults show up at my door and talk about revolutionizing the means of production, rather than children show up smoking drugs?

i'm actually looking forward to turning 40, so i can say it.

thirty-something isn't scary.

but, they leave you alone when you tell them you're 40.

so, i do - but i'm lying.

it'll be nice when it's actually true...

they see me as a peer, but my interest in twenty-somethings is non-existent. i see them as children.

leave it to alberta to be the only jurisdiction in the world that is dumb enough to buy into elon musk's bullshit.

i just took a walk downstairs to investigate the banging, and i caught her leaving in a waiting car, which is not conclusive.

she's obviously not going outside to smoke, because she's smoking inside - and she's already had a few.

so, i'm actually left with one of two conclusions: either she left for work a little late tonight or she's slowly moving things out.

if the smoke continues over night, and right now it seems like it's going to, i'm actually going to have to conclude that she's in the process of moving and question the property manager about it tomorrow before i mail the documents.

i don't know if having her move is good enough, any more. i know it's worth giving it another try, though. it's the easiest answer...

i could, of course, cancel the court process, as well.

unfortunately, she appears to be home tonight.

but, i'm wondering if she misread the n5.

i'm not getting an honest response from management; they're playing stupid about it. but, that's just it - they're just bluffing on everything. i can read. to the contrary, this woman is obviously not very bright.

when i made the second smoke complaint, it was after ten days. now, the n5 can be confusing, if you're already stupid to begin with, and this is what i meant when i pointed out that the property management was feigning incompetency.

the first n5 is just a warning. it says knock it off in the next ten days, or i'm going to try and evict you. now, it also comes with a date on it, but the date is really meant for the second n5, not the first one.

my n5 had the date of april 23rd on it, but it wasn't a meaningful date. it was either included out of incompetency, or out of an attempt to frighten me.

a stupid or ignorant person could get the notice and conclude that they have to move by the 23rd. and, if that is the case, i would expect that this woman would actually be moving out over the week.

that might explain why she's not working, and also why i'm hearing a lot of banging.

so, should i wait this out, or what?

when i called in on day 11, i got the (i think feigned) confused reaction from management, indicating they were holding to it. but, i know better.

does she?

hrmmn.

i'm awake.

i've eaten.

thankfully, we got some rain...

i'll be through 2015 pretty fast and on to writing this essay and mailing it tomorrow.

to be a little bit more clear.

it's not whether i'm cool or not that tends to get me upset. i don't care. i really don't. and i don't care if not caring is cool or not, either. or if...

it's the vacuous, empty and nihilistic definition of 'cool' that gets me wishing i lived on another planet.

i'm happy to hang out with the nerds.

it's the popular kids that make me depressed.

my head is just throbbing :(.

i'm actually hoping for a rainy, cold summer in order to keep this person off the porch, so i can get some air in here.

there's no protection from the rain, there. and, the humid air is the best antidote for the smoke from downstairs, too.

it looks like the rain we were supposed to get this week isn't going to show up :(

well, i think it's worn off, now.

but i'll never make it there by 4:30.

i wanted to be there this morning, but i was literally too stoned to move for the last seven hours, from the secondhand smoke. this is a measure of the depth of the problem. and i'm not exaggerating; i was up in the afternoon, yesterday, i should not have been tired this morning. that was a short day....

i want to put the term 'stoned' in quotes, because it's not exactly like that. it's more like a sedative - and i've pointed out before that i suspect she is smoking opiates, at least sometimes. the pot obviously doesn't do much for her, right? and, this happens sometimes - i get a whiff of something and just fall over, for hours.

but, this is also typical of government pot, in my experience. government pot doesn't get you high, it just knocks you out. and, with the way they're prescribing it as an anti-depressant or pain reliever (rather than as the psychedelic it's used as, recreationally), that kind of makes sense. i don't know if it's a sativa/indica thing or something else, but government pot is really more like valium than it is like pot. and, as you might expect, that's not any fun.

the shit the government is going to eventually export is not going to be bc bud. it's going to be this over the top, sedative-heavy government pot engineered to feel like i'd imagine an opiate does. it's going to make you tired and insular, rather than euphoric and extroverted. and i don't expect to have much interest in it.

i'll have to try again tomorrow.

*shrug*.

i'm actually going back to sleep for a bit.

no.

i...

i can't move.

i'll try again at noon.

i didn't get through 2015 before i was overwhelmed by the secondhand smoke around 7:00.

my eyes are burning.

my throat is burning.

my mood is foul.

i want to sleep. but i can't. i have to get up.

it's about ten posts short. i'll do it tonight.

i can barely move.

i feel like death.

:(.

i just want to sit here and cry for the next thirty years.

but i need to get something mailed today.

coffee...

in one of the strangest demonstrations of surveillance yet, i'm listening to one of the remixes i spun off at the end of 2015 (http://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.ca/2015/12/insp.html) and it starts actually interfering with the loopback at the low frequencies, due to the depth of the bass drum.

there are several mixes of this track that use the same drum pattern, so i check each of them, and they all do the same thing.

i was able to solve it on a reboot.

but, it seems like what i was hearing was the bass beating out of phase with itself as it was being captured by the monitoring software.

again: i actually don't care if i'm monitored. i'm boring as fuck.

but, i can't create music when the monitoring software is degrading my audio quality, like this...

but, it's just...

it's never been my thought process.

i've never been angry or sad or depressed and said "i need to get high". to the contrary, i've been angry or sad or depressed and decided to stay home and go to bed early, instead.

i need to be in a good mood to go out drinking & smoking, or i don't go out. i wouldn't want to get high if i wasn't feeling up to it.

& this is maybe why i don't really understand this. the premise of "medicinal marijuana" is combining two things - drugs & depression - that seem to be in contradiction with each other, to me.

when i'm depressed, i go to bed early; i only do drugs when i'm feeling great, and want to have a good time.

how did this get so confused?

it has to be capitalism that's at the root cause of this.

i would imagine that getting in the habit of smoking pot when i'm upset would just ruin marijuana for me.

like i say: i'm usually pretty happy, so long as i don't have to interact with people - or their externalities.

there's too many externalities in this place.

but, i don't associate drugs with depression.

being sad doesn't make me want to get high. getting high is something i do when i'm in a good mood, not something i do when i'm upset. i don't even know what being high and depressed is even like - i've never experienced this. i'd imagine it would just make me more upset. and, the stronger the smell of drugs is, the sadder i'm going to get.

it's not a comfort, or a crux, or something i do alone - it's a social activity that i always used to do with friends, and now do, at least, in public.

when i'm upset, i just want to go to sleep and wake up fresh - ie not hungover.

not tonight. tonight, i just need to deal with it. coffee...

it's not being around people that makes me upset. if anything, being around people makes me exceedingly angry.

it's the nature of humans that makes me upset.

people just smoke drugs, and don't care. they destroy the planet; they destroy themselves. they don't plan, they don't think ahead - all they care about is the present moment.

why can't people be more altruistic, and more interested in living healthy and productive lifestyles? why are so many humans these depraved, selfish utility monsters that destroy everything in their paths? why are we so easily controlled by media into believing such utter stupidity?

you try to live a healthy lifestyle, you try to give back, you try to do what you can to not contribute to all of these social and environmental problems, and all you get in return are these self-absorbed retards that can't even be bothered to get off of their obese assholes to go smoke a fucking joint, when somebody tells them it's making them sick.

i need to get out of here asap.

preferably to a planet with a different dominant species.

i'm broadly a pretty happy person if left alone.

it's humans that make me sad.

we're despicable creatures. it's the best argument i know against religion: no enlightened being would create a species this depraved.

i deserve the payout i'm asking for.

:(

of course, the library has inconvenient hours, for me.

i may find myself blowing most of the summer sitting outside and reading, just because i can't sit inside.

why is it always ugly fat women that smoke like chimneys?

to be clear: i've got the drug addict below me, and have had to open my window to deal with it.

now, there's a tenant next door that is sitting on her porch smoking, so opening the window is no solution.

i don't currently have a functioning laptop, but i'm considering spending my days at the library until i can get out.

if you're forcing me to choose, i would rather deal with second hand tobacco smoke.

it's gross. and unhealthy.

but, at least it doesn't make you tired....

there's a new problem: some ugly, fat wench is sitting in my fresh air intake and smoking 24/7, meaning i'm in the same impossible situation, once again.

what i'm experiencing is just a background general smoke: i can't tell what kind of smoke it is, and it may even be all mixed up. it's just burning my throat.

i want to finish 2015 before i get to the write-up to get out of here.

outrageously, the response from the landlord was to suggest that if i can't deal with the smoke then i should move.

that's the literal definition of negligence, in context.

"if you don't like the mold on the ceiling, you can always move."
"if you don't like the asbestos in the living room, you can always move."

it's the same thing, legally.

you see this frequently with legal illiterates: i'm just getting some, like, nineteenth century contract theory bullshit. libertarianism seems to be the basic starting point of ignorance, in this culture.

so, i'm going to have to write the board an essay, and this won't get mailed until tomorrow. the basic argument is negligence under the health regulations, and liability for breach of the enjoyment covenant.

but, i got a mailing address, at least. that wasn't obvious.

the truth is that they're actually kind of walking into a trap; it's not like i set the trap, but , if i did, they'd have walked right into it. they've given me everything i need to make the argument for negligence...

and, i need to reiterate: i like tort law. i think more of the law should be organized around tort law principles. tort reform, to me, means expanding the principles of tort law to further destroy contract theory. it's the criminal law that i don't like, and it's classical liberalism that pisses me off...

i have to make the complaint before i file the documents. it's a formality.

i'm really curious as to how they'll respond....

yes: she's been smoking all night.

i'll have to call the landlord around 8:30.

if you like a glass of wine now and again does that mean you're an alcoholic?

that you want your bed to smell like spilled vodka, and stale puke?

that you want your kitchen to smell like gin, or your bathroom to smell like barley?

that you want your clothes to smell of elderberry?

that you drink so much that you fall over?

just because you like a glass of wine at christmas, or a beer at a show? really?

this is not binary. we don't have to choose between never smoking and smoking an ounce a day. there's a large spectrum...

she may even be getting social validation from "being an addict" that she can't get anywhere else.

i'm posting in the rebuild right now about how marijuana isn't addictive.

and, it really isn't.

this is the first pot addict i've ever met...

and, she's no doubt more addicted to the idea of the drug than the drug itself. she probably thinks it makes her cool, or something; it's probably some kind of fear of missing out.

"marijuana is not physically addictive" is a factual statement. that is science. but, they claim it's "psychologically addictive" - which means that heavy users can trick themselves into thinking they're addicted, when they really aren't.

it's more like they want to be addicted, because they think being addicted is cool, and they don't want to miss out.

twisted. truly.

but, as i am contradicting myself, let be me clear: i am well aware that marijuana is not an addictive substance, and when i'm ranting about this woman being a drug addict, i shouldn't be taken fully literally. she's a wannabe addict.

i mean, when i go out, i make sure i have a good time.

but, it's a few times a month, usually.

i'm not out all of the time...

"so, how does she go out to party all the time, then?"

i don't.

i went out once in november, once in december, zero times in january, february or march and twice in april.

i'm often able to save a few dollars over the winter, so that i can go out more frequently in the summer. i also get those gst checks in every three months. but, the budget gives me about $100/month to spend, most months - which is enough for one or two nights out

and, the truth is that i spend most of my time inside in front of the computer.

as you can see.

rent: $700
groceries: $200
estrogen: $90
internet: $30
laundry: $10

roughly.

do i really have to make this argument?

i have one source of income: odsp.

it's $1150/month.

my expenses are $1026/month [if i spend $200 on groceries, which is often an exaggeration].

where do you propose that i get all of this money to get stoned all of the time?

i don't have an alternate source of income. i don't have a marijuana card.

please just accept the fact that i don't smoke.

i get pleasure out of learning, not out of burning out.

there's lots of people on this planet that just don't like marijuana.

i'm not going to say that, exactly.

but i certainly don't enjoy perpetual inebriation.

i'd really rather be sober.

and, i honestly don't know why i have this reputation, otherwise - i am, in fact, usually sober.

it's not that i'm living some kind of ascetic lifestyle or something.

i don't have any kind of philosophical objection to being a stoner - it's just not my idea of a good time.

i simply prefer being sharp-witted, awake, alert. i don't enjoy the sore throat. i don't like being tired....

if i was going to get addicted to something, it would be cocaine, not marijuana. as it is, i'm usually fine with coffee.

i need to be clear: the problem here is not the drugs, it's the user. drugs don't smoke themselves.

if she were to go take a walk, she wouldn't be bothering anybody. she really wouldn't.

but, her insistence on smoking inside is very much bothering somebody: she's making me very sick, and dramatically negatively impacting on my quality of life.

my costing is as follows:

$1000 for moving costs
$300 for materials used to smoke-proof the apartment (which the landlord ordered me to take down)
$500 for laundry & dry-cleaning
$100 for cleaning supplies
$500 for a new bed [my mattress is ruined]
25% of rent paid is $1400, presuming the lease ends august 1st.
==========
$3800

i hope it makes people think twice about renting to drug addicts.

given that she's obviously smoking this much because she can't get high any more, she's probably actually at risk of moving to something harder.

i've seen studies arguing both ways, and they're probably both right, depending on the context. i can understand how marijuana could help a heroin addict - although i might suggest methadone, instead. less harmful. on the other hand, when your tolerance to marijuana is as absurd as this woman's is, and the delivery method is giving you pneumonia, it's easy to understand the appeal of something stronger, too.

it probably depends on what stage the addict is in. an opiate addict that wants to get better but is physically addicted could use pot as a crutch, even if they relapse in the long run; a desperate pothead that just isn't getting high anymore might look at opiates as the only way to get what they're after. and, i might have thought that was obscure a few months ago, but i never thought i'd meet somebody that smokes as much as she does, either.

she's obviously just not getting high.

the way marijuana works is that the more you smoke, the less high you get. all drugs are like this: it's the law of diminishing returns.

so, if you wanted to emulate me, for whatever reason, the way to do this is to only smoke once in a while. that way, you get really high from just getting in on the odd round. when you smoke as little as i do, you only have to buy a $5 pre-roll to get stoned enough that you're still feeling it in the morning. those rastas don't even get a buzz off of that.

whatever media exists of me baked is in fact strong evidence that i don't get high very often, as i would be less obviously trashed if i did.

and, the key to accomplishing this level of inebriation on a regular basis is actually to buy into the culture of sobriety. my daily drug of choice is coffee, not marijuana. i've quit tobacco. but, i drink a pot of coffee a day, and only smoke up a couple of times a month - if that. some months, i don't get stoned at all.

you need that space to prevent yourself from developing tolerance; what my media footprint really is is a lack of tolerance, due to sporadic use.

if i smoked as much as people seem to think i do, i wouldn't get high in public at all - i'd just be your average "chill" stoner.

and, if i disappear from public view for a long period, as i tend to, it's safe to assume i'm completely sober during that period. and, i don't want to build up a tolerance - that would just make my infrequent binges less fun.

this should all be obvious, but it isn't, for some reason. people seem to think i somehow get completely ripped from a random toke at the bar, then go home and smoke mad amounts. but, that doesn't actually make any sense, and you should all know that it doesn't...my obviously low tolerance is evidence that i don't smoke much at all....

right now, i just have a sore throat and wish i was more awake.

she's still blazing. every twenty minutes. it's surreal.

if i was writing policy, that would be my primary focus: to get rid of this ridiculous idea that marijuana is some kind of medicine.

that is utterly ignorant.

that must be corrected.

marijuana is a recreational drug that is relatively safe, if consumed in moderation, and should be heavily taxed like alcohol and cigarettes.


it is not a medicine. and, like alcohol, it can be abused with disastrous consequences.

i don't normally sit in this room.

as far as i can tell, she lights a joint about every 20 minutes. and, i've seen these things - they're not joints, they're cigars, really.

she's been chain smoking since about 3:30, maybe a bit before. she seems to have overwhelmed my defenses around 3:30, anyways. let's say 3:40 to make the math easier.

that means she has smoked at least 10 cigar-sized joints in the last 3.5 hours. that's probably at least $50 worth of pot. in the last 3.5 hours. by herself.

that's more expensive than cocaine.

me? i take one three-toke pass between sets and i'm licked until the morning. and, then i don't touch it for three weeks - until the next show.

if she's smoking that much, the sad truth is that it must be because it doesn't actually get her high, anymore. and, so, what's the point of even smoking it?

it's easy to deduce that this woman goes to work all day in order to spend all her money on a drug that makes her really sick, pisses off her neighbours and doesn't even get her high.

doctor's orders?

what a sad joke.

this isn't a medicine, and it's not doing anything for her.

it's an addiction that is ruining her life.

in fact, i am a health nut and enviro-fascist.

i have an extremely healthy diet.

i don't smoke.

i get a lot of exercise.

i recycle in buildings that don't.

i compost.

i don't own a car; i walk, i bike.

i had a struggle with cigarettes that i've won. but, my entire life is centered around minimizing my carbon output and living as healthily and as safely as possible. and, living in other people's smoke is consequently an impossibility - a contradiction, an unacceptable premise.

i'm very sorry if you thought that i was some kind of advocate for heavy drug use, but i've been very clear that i am not.

most marijuana users are not drug addicts, as most alcohol users are not alcoholics. but, the ones that are addicts need help, not normalization.

all i care about is my lungs, which i have gone to great lengths to keep healthy by quitting smoking over two years ago and cannot allow to be damaged due to the selfish negligence of asshole neighbours.

i do not care what happens to her.

she's created her own problems.

i do hope they evict her, but i ultimately don't care.

i care about my own health.

when somebody repeatedly asks you to stop doing something because it's bothering somebody, and you keep doing it, you're an asshole.

no, she's back to smoking again in her usual spots.

the t2 will be mailed on monday.

that's the end of this.

and, don't let anybody tell you that "medicinal marijuana users" aren't drug addicts. there's no other way to understand this: this person is an addict, and she's not going to stop.

she didn't stop when i asked.
she didn't stop when the cops asked.
she didn't stop when the landlord asked.
and, she didn't stop when the owner asked.

that is drug addiction.

period.

t2 is coming.

i need to get out of this hellhole...

the smell in here tonight is tobacco, but i can't get a handle on the source.

it's absolutely revolting.

but, the thing is that a part of it might be the actual floor, and the smell might be the building adjusting to the spring. and, if i'm not careful, i could be blaming people for something that is actually nobody's fault.

also, given that the source is unclear, i could be mistaking the smell of tobacco for the smell of mold.

it's annoying that this happened on the first night after moving my bed out, but it's also a saturday, and i need to deal with one thing at a time.

if or when i move out of here, i'm going to need to be more careful in analyzing the tenants. again: i like the building. it's that i don't like the other people living in it.

so, what's happening in the saga of the second-hand smoke, now well into it's second year?

as far as i can tell, the woman directly below me is still not smoking in the unit. so, i'm still holding off on that t2. i'm not holding my breath, though.

last night, however, around 1:00, i got a nasty whiff coming from what i think is the tenant diagonally below me. but, i think i can fix that.

it's not that i want to pick on the tenant directly below me, it's just that there's no solution due to the geometry of the unit, and, frankly, the amount of smoke involved. the guy directly across me smokes a little bit - like, a pinner on friday nights, right; minimal. i had fixed that by taping up the door frame. i took the tape down, so i'll have to put in a request to caulk around the frame, instead. problem solved. if the person on the diagonal smokes a little, on weekends or something, i think we can solve that by building up the baseboards - or maybe by asking the person to smoke on the other side of the unit. the point is that there's a solution. unfortunately, it doesn't matter where the woman below me smokes, and i've learned that i can't keep it out - either one of us has to leave, or she's gotta stop smoking. there's no compromise - it has to be absolute.

see, and she's going to cry that it's not fair that she has to stop while everybody else gets to smoke, and maybe that's true. sometimes, life isn't fair. but, all i care about is keeping the smoke out. i'm not pretending that this isn't a difficult situation, i'm just being crystal clear that all i care about is my own well-being. so, i'm not interested in the application of fair laws across the building; this is simply not my prerogative. she happened to be unlucky enough to have a vocal non-smoker move in above her, and the property owner happens to not be sticking up for her. that's how this cookie has crumbled.

i still expect to be the one that moves, in the end, but we're not there, yet.

i flipped out a little last night, because the smoke triggered the bronchitis. i've moved everything out of the bedroom and will need to put in a work order on monday or tuesday. right now, the space is airing out, and i'm going to need to clean the remaining glue out before i put the order in.

what does it look like?

well, it looks a tad worse. i lost a little bit of paint; it's nothing structural, and all of the problems that exist already existed. but, i'll acknowledge some aesthetic issues with the existing damage. which is...

ok: imagine there's a crack in the wall, and imagine that there is smoke seeping in through the crack. so, i put duct tape over the crack as a simple solution - and it mostly works, at least in the short term. then, when i take the tape down, on request of the owner, i peel a little paint off from around the crack, making the crack look a little worse.

you could make the naive argument that i ought to be liable for the damage, but this is really absurd - there was already a crack in the wall and it already needed to be fixed. rather, i'm going to make the following argument:

1) there was a crack in the wall.
2) smoke was coming in through the crack.
3) therefore, i blocked off the crack with duct tape.
4) the property owner has requested that i remove the duct tape.
5) therefore, i am going to request that the crack be fixed to prevent further seepage.

and, i mean, they could sue me if they really want. they'll probably lose. and, even if they win, they'll never get anything out of me.

they should just fix the cracks.

and, that's where i am right now: i have everything back in the living room, i'm caustically waiting for the woman downstairs to light a blunt, which will trigger the final exit, and i'm going to give the property manager a letter in the next few days asking that the cracks in the bedroom be fixed,.

regarding the paint...

yeah. i lost a little paint.

they employ a full time painter.

and they'd have to paint, anyways.

again: they'll spend thousands trying to extract a few dollars out of me, they'll probably lose and if they win they'll never see it. it's going to cost them $10 worth of paint to just fix it.

but, you can't quantify stupidity.

right now, i'm going to eat and try to spend the night rebuilding.

the smell tonight - and this isn't the first time - is overwhelming levels of garlic.

this is actually leading me back to meth; maybe they are smoking outside, but i can smell their armpits from here, kind of thing. meth users are known to smell like garlic - like, not from the smoke, but from the body odour.

nobody eats garlicy meals for hours straight. i guess somebody could have left something out, but it's happened repeatedly.

somebody could have terrible gas, and i could be smelling it over and over again. it's actually quite plausible.

it could be another distraction tactic - burning garlic so i can't smell the pot.

but, the reality is that all evidence points towards this building being some kind of meth centre - either through production, or through massive use.

is there some possibility that all of the potheads around me are smoking laced pot and don't know it? well, three months ago i'd have told you that the premise of meth-laced marijuana is crazy talk. you'll find it with pcp from time to time, unfortunately - it's unpleasant; you deal with it. but, meth? this isn't real, right?

maybe it is.

i may never figure out what the truth is around this. i've got clues, and i can put them together, but getting some kind of confirmation is going to be almost impossible. and, i'm no doubt just scratching the surface of something.

i don't need or even want to know, frankly.

but the clearer the meth connection gets, the more i want out.

it's possible that somebody just needs to shower more frequently. but, it's really one thing after another...

i need to be clear: i don't know if these leaves are being burned or cooked with.

i noticed a mild cheesy smell, as well.

it could be some kind of chili.

like i say: if the pot smell goes away, we'll deal with this as it is. i doubt that happens.

i don't care what your witch-doctor says.

smoke is never good for you.

ever.

"burn bay leaves in the house and see what happens after ten minutes"

i'm going to ask for an x-ray of your lungs, and observe that you're coughing your ass off.

smoke is smoke.

so, stop burning shit inside...it's all the same cancer-causing smut...

tobacco. marijuana. sage. now, bay leaves. it's all the same thing.

tonight was a little weird.

i took some of the tape off of the kitchen cabinets, and what it revealed was this overpowering smell of bay leaf, that i remember smelling when i first moved in - and which was in fact the initial reason that i taped up the cabinets. the smell of marijuana only presented itself once the smell of bay leaf had subsided.

see, here's the thing: i don't actually care about the smell. this is a rank, nasty smell - granted. but, it's a minor annoyance. what i care about is the damage caused by second hand smoke - which means that burning sage inside would be as bad as smoking pot. worse, really, because it's pointless.

as it is, i don't know if the request not to smoke was heeded or not because i couldn't smell anything over the bay leaves.

i'm not sure where the smell of bay leaves is coming from, but i suspect that re-opening the hole on the bottom of the cabinet has left me at the whim of a number of tenants. i remember concluding at the time that the cabinet must be connected to six units moving down, around the plumbing, and that it was just never properly finished - thereby meaning that i can plausibly smell the guy three floors down when he makes a burrito. it's maybe facile to suspect that the smell of indian food is coming from the indian tenant, but it could very well be true. at the least, this is the same stench that came in when i moved in, so it's not infrequent. and, in the end, whether this is by design (by the pothead) or by coincidence doesn't matter.

i need to reiterate that bad smalls are not the same thing as second-hand smoke, and that this is a fundamentally different type of problem.

nonetheless, while the tape was only partly successful in keeping the smell of marijuana smoke out of the cabinets, it was actually quite successful in keeping out the smell of everybody else's food. if she surprises me and continues to smoke outside for any length of time, if she even is at all right now, i'm still going to need to get somebody in to fix the cabinet. i had an easy solution that worked well, but we can go with a more expensive solution if the property owner would prefer. i don't expect this happens; i'll be surprised if she's not blazing all day tomorrow.

for right now, i'm going to have to suffer this, keeping in mind the following truth: if i can smell their stinky herbs, then they can smell my fresh citrus air fresheners, too. and, i can be pro-active in pushing nice smells down to ward off their evil ones.

i've got about 1/4 of the tape off, but in the process of everything happening over the last few days, i've aggravated an injury i suffered last week when i was cleaning up my bicycle. it's a small cut on my right thumb (the most important finger.....) that has reopened and that i'd like to close before i continue with the process of ripping up tape off of baseboards. so, i'm going to wait until monday before i get back to that.

i actually don't have anything planned this weekend; it seems to be quiet in detroit. i may change my mind at the last minute, but i'm expecting to stay in and type. i keep pointing out that december shouldn't take long, once i can sit down and do it. if the weekend goes through uneventfully, i guess i'll get to clearing off the tape on monday; if it doesn't, i guess i'll file the t2 on monday morning, and focus on looking for new apartments, then pull the rest of the tape off as i'm moving out.

that was truly bizarre.

this enforcer of a man shows up, with a thick french accent, looking like denis coderre, that time he filled in for dave semenko, and declares, with a snort, that there shall be no smoking in the building.

he claims that there is a no smoking clause in the lease (there is not).
he claims that he could enforce such a clause (he could not).

and he has decided, by decree that this is the solution to the problem.

further, i am to remove all of the tape from the wall.

i'm going to take the tape down, but i hardly have faith in the outcome. it's just that i'd have to take the tape down anyways, so i'd might as well do it now.

regardless, that means they get another day or two to put off the t2.

note that tomorrow is 4/20.

i mean, don't get me wrong - i hope this works. is it "crazy enough that it just might work"? who knows. who knows. we'll see. but, i think the outcome is a foregone conclusion, and...

...i should really go ahead and start writing the t2 up tonight.

right now, i'm going to lose another day on the unit. ugh.

well, everything is in order in the space, or at least as much as it can be for now.

i'll find out in a few hours if my next step is to wait for renovations, or to file a t2 to end the tenancy.

at the least, i won't be spending any more time rearranging furniture in the other room; i should get back to this shortly, one way or another.

i'll have to continue to run through the files after jan 10th. but, it should pick up quite a bit after that, as the blog started when i picked back up in june; the direction of information then flips, and it becomes about pulling information down, rather than putting it up.

thankfully, the weather seems finally set to turn, so i should be able to keep the windows open most of the time.

well, there's my quarterly stomach wrench.

it's officially spring in windsor. finally. but i need to sit for a bit, too...

as with the last few days, i had difficulty getting out of bed this morning, no doubt due to the poor air quality in the unit. the property owner - from bc - woke me up, with a request to inspect the unit today.

this is actually what i want. sort of. i think. i mean, i put in the request for renovations. so, the next step is to inspect the two units - and i did hear the knock downstairs a few minutes before hand.

there's an off chance they could show up with an n5 or something, but if they do that i'm going to file a t2 anyways, so it's just a waste of time - that would be stupid of them. i've been clear that i want to leave, i'm just giving them a last opportunity to save my tenancy before i get the court to let me out. trying to evict me for trying to smoke-proof the apartment when i'm trying to get out of the lease due to second-hand smoke is likely to get me some judicial sympathy. it would make more sense for them to just buy me out.

i think they're worried about the duct tape. it's not the problem they're maybe imagining it is, partly because of the smoke, itself. the first place i taped up was the closet and the tape had been dried out by the smoke within three months. judging by that, the tape may fall off on it's own by the summer; even if it doesn't, it should come off cleanly with a wet rag.

so, if they try to do that, i'll have to countersue for the cost of the tape - which i was going to do anyways - and then disassemble all of the tape. i'll have to show up with some pictures indicating that there is no damage at all, but that i still want out of the lease, anyways. oops?

i decided that i'd spent the first part of the day rebuilding, get something to eat and clean the place up overnight. if the place is too cluttered, they could claim a fire code violation; obscure, but i didn't want to give that to them. and, if they come in tomorrow with a renovation plan, i could still salvage the tenancy - so why not set up the unit? there's still some chance i could get started on period 3 before i leave here.

 i couldn't stay awake so i stopped to eat early and got to cleaning early. and i got a little optimistic about things. maybe this will work out?

but, i got the plumes coming up from downstairs around 21:00, and it was just too much - this place is not inhabitable.

still, i carried through to see, and i'm going to be sad to leave here, even though i must. i like this place for what it is, but it's just not a healthy place to live, and i'm getting to an age where i need to be concerned about my health. it would be negligent to my own well-being to let myself exist in this kind of environment any longer than necessary.

the immediate fire code issue is resolved, at least. i mean, the place was always navigable. but, i'm quite thin.

i'm hoping it's just a nap, but these stomach wrenches really require me to stop until they pass.

i've said this repeatedly: i am incapable of passing the workplace behaviour test.

that is supposed to be the easy one.

but, i've failed it repeatedly.

i simply don't understand it.

note that i've aced the competency tests, though. my iq scores are quite high; it's my behaviour that is unacceptable.

so, what i need is an isolated environment, where i can keep social interactions with others to an absolute minimum. this apartment is not that space...

somebody with a social aptitude as low as mine is going to require drugs and/or alcohol to function in a social situation, and will regularly abuse substances due to feelings of social inadequacy; somebody like me is consequently not well advised to medicate with mind-altering substances, as it is likely to trigger episodic behaviour rather than alleviate it.

i have never been (substantively) diagnosed with depression.

i have never experienced treatment for depression.

i do not believe that i suffer from depression.

i am diagnosed with "social anxiety disorder", which is like the lowest level of personality disorder. i do believe that i have a personality disorder. however, i've never been able to get this diagnosed because i supposedly am not episodic.

in fact, i believe that i am constantly episodic, but i just can't get a doctor to take the evidence i've provided seriously because it's not coming from a police report or a hospital. this is the catch-22: i can't get diagnosed until i do something crazy, but i've generally been able to utilize the resources available to me effectively enough to stop myself from going over the precipice. so, the more that the system works, the weaker my argument that i need it is.

unfortunately, i may need to go through a court process to get properly diagnosed - that's how a mental health system works in a calvinist society. and, if i never get through the court process, i may never get properly diagnosed - despite presenting myself repeatedly to mental health professionals for this purpose.

the basic understanding of the situation is that my social skills are too chronically underdeveloped to allow me to function in any kind of workplace. there's lots of jobs i could theoretically do, if i wanted to, but i can't handle the social component.

i'm going to argue with management. i'm going to argue with staff. my co-workers will dislike me, and i will dislike them, back. i will not want to spend time with them. i will be passed over for promotion, as i am unable to build social relationships. and, i will ultimately demonstrate little interest in what i'm doing, as a consequence of it.

we generally think of disability in terms of mental or physical aptitude. but, there is a third dimension - social aptitude - that is every bit as important in gaining and holding employment. in some ways, this is the most important skill of all.

and, my diagnosis is that my social aptitude is so low that you can label me socially retarded.

i would be willing to explore this further through treatment. but, there is not a solution to this problem.

i hate everybody the same, though; i'm an equal opportunity hater.

things like physical characteristics or ideological leanings won't make me hate you more or less.

i will acknowledge that i'm relatively good at pretending that i like people.

but, trust me: i don't like you.

at all.

i'm a humongous introvert.

i don't have any friends.

so, finding drugs is a difficult process. i have to go talk to people, pretend i like them, even hang out with them for a little while, sometimes.

i'd rather just go to the fucking store.

that's the point. that's why casual users support legalization: because we don't like the social requirements attached to finding drugs.

so, you've got this completely backwards.

i'm sorry.

i don't even know where it came from. was it my profile pic? the fact that i'm vocally pro-legalization?

did you have some desire to uphold me as a high-functioning drug addict?

all of it was a lie - but it wasn't a lie i told. i was clear about the truth, whenever i could be.

i am not and never have been a pothead. i've only ever smoked sporadically and recreationally. once in a while - and generally sparingly.

very little of the writing i've done has been under the influence of drugs. that's a false perception, and one i've never perpetuated - the misunderstanding is 100% on your side.

and, if you think about it, it's really the casual users that benefit the most from legalizing the drug, as we don't buy large amounts in bulk, anyways - we don't mind if we overpay a little, because we don't buy much, anyways. what's more important to us is being able to find it on the rare occasion we want to, because we don't have dealers and don't know where to go to find it.

heavy smokers generally tend to be pessimistic about this, and largely ok with the status quo. it's the infrequent users that want this to happen.

it's not my fault. i told you - again and again and again. you didn't listen.

there's an old cliche about not judging a book by it's cover. i suppose this needs to be updated slightly, but the idea is no less valid: don't judge an individual by their memes.

i shouldn't have slept another 10 hours this morning, and i'm actually going to blame it on the weather. we got some snow overnight...

all i can do is get going.

and, now, i'll have to put off eating until i get through the month, however long it takes.

also - for those that are curious, there will, in fact, be a youtube / music review blog, and it will go over all of the music discussions that i've skipped at the two existing blogs.

but, this will only become relevant when i launch the music review site, and that won't be for years, probably.

yes. there will be a point in the mid 2020s where i'll post youtube comments from 2014 to a blogspot archive - along with facebook posts from 2009.

the existing focus is really on building liner notes for inri000-inri074, and then tying them altogether into the aleph discs.

that gets me through november, 2015, which was still a heavy posting month. it took ten days to finish, but i didn't spend most of those 10 days posting, so, if i can keep up that kind of productivity, i could be done december in a day or two.

i didn't get my blast of smoke tonight around 21:30. that's a positive. i think i should be alert for a good while, then.

this is taking a long time, and i kind of knew it would, but it's not a choice i have to make. i need to at least follow this through up to mid 2016 in order to finish the liner notes for inri000. and, given that i'm coming up on inri015 in the alter-reality, that's going to push me through until late 2016, at least.

also, keep in mind that the next things to do are to finish the aleph discs, as well. the period 1 aleph disc should be ready to ship by the end of 2020. so, i'd might as well just push through.

i'll look back on this in a few years and be glad i did it.

who wants to be tired all of the time, and why?

i admit i drank a lot on friday night, but that doesn't explain why i can't stay awake on monday afternoon.

the air quality in here got better around midnight, but it's....it's weird...instead of getting these plumes of smoke, i'm getting this persistent dusty background, and the odd whiff of it.

i'm tired, not very alert, kind of slow-moving, groggy and stuck with a scratchy throat. i'm not sure where it's coming from, but i'm going to try opening the window overnight.

something changed, and it's for the better, but i'm still feeling it. let's hope i'm awake enough to get some serious rebuilding done tonight.

to be clear: my understanding is that one of these people leaves for work late in the evening, and that this person seems to be in control of the situation, when she's there - but that, as soon as she leaves, the other people light up.

see, and this is as disrespectful to the person on the lease as it is to me. but, she may feel as though she has no responsibility. that's just a bad friend, whatever kind of friend it is...

it was nice in here. warm. dry. clean.

it's a shame they had to ruin it.

i've suspected for a while that there's two people living there, taking shifts.

it may be that the night shift seems to be worse than the day shift and that the night shift only works weekdays or something. i dunno. but, it seems like it's that one is worse than the other.

the property manager insists there's only one person living there, but this isn't true. is the bigger problem even on the lease? and, if so, why is this woman letting this other woman create all of these problems for her?

about 21:30, they're back at it.

so, what happened over the weekend, and why did it change all of a sudden?

i'm going to guess that there's a point where they get too stoned to care; like i say, i know the psychology fairly well. they may even regret it when they wake up, but they'll decide it doesn't matter any more. and, this is a cycle - if they get another scary warning, they'll stop for a few days, and then get really stoned and stop caring again.

again: somehow, these people are being prescribed marijuana as a cure for depression and apathy. it's not clicking that it's at the root cause of their problems, rather than a solution to them. and, any doctors that are enabling them ought to be liable for this.

for right now, i have no choice but to open the windows and hope it clears out.

i don't know what changed, exactly, but i'm happy about the air quality this weekend.

is there some possibility that this could still work? well, i don't really know what happened. i know that the second letter appears to have had some effect, but who knows for how long.

i guess i should wait until may 1st before i finish cleaning up and setting up the studio.

it's been almost a week since i was at this, but here i go, back at it. let's get through 2015 before i do anything else....

the show last night was...

they play short sets. that's how it is.

it was good, but too short.

i was there way too early; my bike is ridable in the short term, but probably going to literally crumble in my hands at some point. i'm not going to bring it back to canada. i'll just ride it until it dies. i'll probably bring something to clean the rust off, next time. if i can get a year out of it, it was a bargain. it won't last another winter...unless i can get it in somewhere, like the trumbullplex.

they might let me do it. they have space.

as i was there early, i pre-drank a lot, and i ended up pretty drunk. so, i'm actually just coming to in any serious sense, just now. i smell like the fire pit at el club, and need to shower.

i'm developing a love-hate relationship with el club. the sound is great, and the crowd is always solid. but, the shows end before midnight. consistently. the band was done at 11:50, and i just don't know if the set was or could have been longer.

but, i know that they do this - that they have this attachment to half hour sets as an inherently punk thing.

and, they consequently rarely play older songs.

there were a few points in the show where i had this different understanding of them, as an off-broadway kind of operatic show tune act. her vocals are becoming the central focus of what the band is doing, and i do think that the whole thing is shifting in the process.

but, this isn't a full review, which i'm very behind on.

it turns out that this woman is smoking drugs with her grandkids in the unit, which confirms she's in her 40s. i don't think she's much older than that.

it's just hard to believe that somebody that old hasn't grown out of this yet, or plays top 40 radio at full blast on her stereo. she acts like a teenager.

must have had the kid very young. my own grandmother became a grandmother in her late thirties.

anyways, i got the letter to the property manager, who tried to guilt trip me on it, but that's not happening.

i can't believe she's chain-smoking pot in front of her grandson.

well, believe it lady, 'cause that's what's happening.

this property manager is not going to be of any use to me; she's clearly on the pothead's side. we'll have to see if i can get a more rational/honest response from the owner or not.

smoking is gross.

therefore, smokers are gross.

so, if smokers don't want to be treated as though they're gross then they should quit smoking.

deal with it.

but, i mean, really, here.

what is a better idea?

1) telling smokers to their face that they're disgusting and hoping it sinks in.
2) coddling them about being "bullied" and telling them they're not really disgusting, while secretly agreeing with the bully.

it's not bullying if it's true.

and, you know this is (almost certainly) somebody susceptible to peer pressure, because they're smoking in the first place.

if you follow this line of reasoning to it's end point, you're going to have to go back to the days where models and athletes advertised smoking on tv and in magazines (because that's realistic, right? which brand was most recommended by doctors...?), because you wouldn't want to offend children with all of those gory images of burnt out lungs and chemotherapy patients, right?

i'm not big on political correctness, anyways.

but, this is an issue where it's not just annoying - you are truly doing great harm to everybody by perpetuating the bullshit.

can you look me in the eye and claim it isn't disgusting?

then, why are you allowing your emotions to cloud your judgement?

the question of whether smoking inside is disgusting or not - and thereby whether the person engaging in the behaviour is disgusting or not - is an empirical question to be determined objectively using science.

and, given that cigarette smoke (or marijuana smoke. whatever.) is the most dangerous substance known to humanity, in terms of toxicity level as a consequence of chronic exposure, it would follow with very little ambiguity that smoking cigarettes inside any dwelling is, in fact, completely disgusting - and that it would follow that anybody that engages in that behaviour is also completely disgusting.

if that hurts your feelings, you're just denying the facts, and i have no patience for you and no interest in discussing the issue with you further.

...because i am on the side of science, first and foremost.

which i've been quite clear about.

i never smoked inside, when i was a smoker, ever. ever. ever.

i'd trudge out in -30.

because indoor smoke is up there with dog feces and drunken vomit as one of the most disgusting things you can do to your living space...

i can't stay here.

it's disgusting.

so, i know the psychology i'm dealing with.

well.

they don't care....

i moved in with my dad when i was 13, as my mom had to admit it was my choice. my sister did the same thing.

see, the complicated thing was this...

my mom got a certain amount of money from the state because she had kids. she didn't want to have kids, but she didn't want to give up the extra money (which she spent on drugs). so, she actually fought my dad for custody, and even received child support on top of it - and then took all that money and used it to fuel her drug habits.

the court should have given my dad custody and sent my mother to jail.

but, that was seen as "unnatural" at the time. children were seen as best left with their mothers, even if their mothers are negligent drug addicts. and, here i am, with chronic bronchitis, and uncountable other problems, thirty+ years later, as a result of it.

i can't stay here.

i remember coming home after school with my latch key around my neck, holding my breath before i opened the front door, unlocking it, running to the basement door, and not exhaling and breathing in until i got downstairs - like i was running through a toxic waste zone.

what eventually ended up happening was that my stepfather built me a bedroom in the basement, and the rule was that there was no smoking down there.

i would then pretend i was sleeping so i wouldn't have to sit through meals,  and then come up when everybody was asleep to make myself something to eat. this was when i was like 9.

in hindsight, that may have saved my life.

yeah - it was the teacher that sent me to a doctor.

i've been feeling it come in for a few days.

but, as of apr 13, 2018, the second hand smoke in the unit has officially triggered my bronchitis. this is going to put me in a fit of extreme coughing for the next 4-12 weeks.

once it hits, there is no solution. removing myself from the source of the smoke does not help. there is no way out of this. i will cough and hack and wheeze for weeks, whether anybody likes it or not.

the reason is that my lungs are quite seriously damaged from my mother's heavy smoking habits. they gave me a puffer when i was about seven or so, because i was disrupting the class. i still have one, but it has really never been effective. my mom seemed to understand what she was doing, but really simply didn't care - and may have even taken some pleasure in causing harm.

if abortion was legal at the time, i wouldn't exist; that's the kind of thing you get from mothers that really don't want to raise kids, but are forced to by the government, against their will. when i coughed from the smoke, she'd just yell at me to shut up and light another one.

and, that's all i'm likely to get from these tenants, too.

i can't do anything about the situation besides cough it out and hope i get a reasonable response from management, soon.

i think it's just too much calcium, actually - and i eat a lot of cheese and fortified soy milk as it is. i'd probably just be putting myself at risk for kidney stones, as i piss most of it out.

if i ever test deficient for calcium, i can try it, i guess.

for now, i'm thinking it'll likely end up in a park. just don't let your kids play in the dirt....

i decided against composting my eggshells at the community compost. i wasn't ever really sure those kids were doing it right...

should i just eat them?

i'm thinking i could microwave them to kill whatever's left (they've been left frozen.) and then mash them up and add them to my smoothies.

i need to do more research than this...

the other option, i'm thinking, is to leave them outside in a park. that might sound gross at first. but, the calcium takes a long time to breakdown, which is the reason it's maybe not the best thing for actual compost. so, you want to put them in places where the soil is more continually utilized, so they can replenish the soil as the calcium comes out.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/01/science/eating-the-shell-along-with-the-egg.html

they could always try and evict me, but it would be faster and cheaper to pay me out, considering i actually want to leave, so i'm not sure why they'd make a bad choice like that.

and, i think i was clear enough about that in my letter.

at the least, if he gets proper legal advice, it should get me a clear answer on an eviction attempt downstairs, which is not likely to be successful - which i pointed out clearly in the letter.

well, the property manager claims that the building owner is in the process of contacting his lawyer.

i don't know if that means that he's planning on carrying through with an eviction or planning on buying me out. but, that was pretty much the only answer i could accept without moving to the next step.

and, i guess they'll have until monday to get me a response.

the cheapest and easiest thing to do is to buy me out, and i'll happily take the offer.

i'm home.

compost run done; freezer clear. it actually feels good, for some reason.

and my grandmother called when i was out.

she does indeed sound pretty rough, which i'm noticing for the first time.

i've never meant to ignore her, i just live in my own head. so, i need to call nana first, and then the property manager second.

i had to pick between the university and the community centre, and i went with the community centre. it's where the community garden ought to be.

they do the free food thing. i like that...

if you have one of these things around, and you probably do, give them your food scraps.

it's really the least you can do. literally.

https://www.facebook.com/FordCityCommunityGarden/

you know, being able to bicycle to the tunnel kind of opens the city up, if i have to move.

it opens up a larger area to exist within...

i'm going to give the property manager to the end of the day before i call her, just to make sure she's received proper instructions - and because i'm curious about whether the banging i heard around 22:00 was my door or not (i was asleep, and not sure where it was coming from...nobody was there when i got up...but it was a while later...i sleep through anything and often literally can't get up when awoken, if not expecting it...).

maybe the buddhists got a few things right, in the mess of things they got wrong.

you check via the scientific method.

any similarities in thought are strictly coincidental, and of little concern to me.

"why don't you just get stoned and create?"

because you can't create anything when you're stoned - it is a condition that is antithetical to creative expression.

creativity requires clear thinking through the proper observation of sobriety.

what inebriation is good for is numbing the pain of repetitive tasks. it is good for low wage workers that just need something to help them through the day, or people that can't find a purpose in a system that is designed to make it impossible to find one.

but, nobody uses drugs to make music - or at least not to make music worth listening to.

and, perhaps you might want to actually listen to the music i create to hear how distant it is from marijuana culture. it's basically classical music.

there was a period, from 2011-2013, where i didn't have access to my gear, and i really did just get drunk and stoned all of the time. i spent this period living with my grandmother and hanging out with occupy protestors.

when you take away my ability to create, i lose focus. and it follows that if you insist that i get fucked up all of the time then the way to do that is to separate me from a purpose.

but, that changed over five years ago.

when i first moved to windsor, i stopped drinking & smoking almost altogether; although it took a few years to get a handle on the cigarettes, i really did quit smoking in the winter of 2015/2016. i have relapsed for a few weeks at a time since, but i have not and will not go back to this.

i have also since spent some extended periods partying on weekends, but this is actually mostly an act of depression. i would rather be sitting in my room by myself recording, but i haven't been able to do this, so i've gone out and gotten drunk instead.

i have never habitually smoked marijuana, nor have i ever wanted to do so. given that i have smoked it sporadically and recreationally for over 20 years without having developed any desire to convert it into a habit, i'm just about the lowest probability target you could imagine in terms of becoming a regular, daily-smoking marijuana addict. that is not going to happen.

however, the more separated i become from my art due to constant distraction and inability to create, the more likely i am to sink into daily alcohol use, as i become more and more depressed and more and more distraught. while marijuana may end up as a complement to this alcohol use, it is not going to reverse that depression. nor do i want to become a daily marijuana user, have i ever seen myself as a daily marijuana user or will i ever conceptualize myself in these terms.

this is simply not who i am.

i was in bed around 19:00 last night, but the smoke was so horrible that it woke me up around 22:00. i spent some time cleaning and slept all morning. so, i am going to follow through with the process within a few hours, and seek clarity on the building's approach: will they seek eviction or not?

any other answer besides "yes, we are seeking eviction" will leave me no choice but to assume they are not doing so, and to formally request repairs to the unit below me.

and, if they acknowledge they are seeking eviction, at whatever difficulty, i'll have to sit tight and wait it out.

i found some compost drop-offs for tomorrow...

but, i'm still convinced that this woman is smoking meth.

when i moved in, i noticed some difficult-to-get-off orange stains over the stove. i thought it was just a sloppy cook; it could have been ancient grease stains. but, i cleaned most of it.

these stains have reappeared today at the end point of the tarp over the kitchen, in the same place i was sitting when i got loopy on the stimulants.

that hasn't happened since; the contact high i got at the end of april was exactly that, and i recognized it for what it was. but, these orang stains are associated with meth use...

there's also the issue of the inch worth of stains i pulled out of the bathroom floor. i thought it was some kind of urine, maybe from a cat. but, this is also a potential build-up from a meth user.

hey, if i can use it to get the tenant out, i'll do it.

i don't care about following trends or being cool or fitting in.

i care about science.

and, you may want to educate yourself on what it actually says, and re-evaluate your stance accordingly.

i haven't really been in this room this morning, and it still has a herby smell that i can't fully finger the source of, although it appears to be coming from directly under my bed, but the rest of the apartment seems to be ok.

i've decided to wait for the next episode to call. i expect that to be in a few days.

this morning was spent cleaning and rearranging, and i don't even know why - wishful thinking, i guess.

for this morning, i need to find a way to get the compost out of my freezer. it's just time to get it out...i'm running out of space...

so, how did we end up with this joke of an idea - this "medicinal marijuana" crock of shit?

it's a legal loophole. it's not science; there's no science upholding this, and plenty debunking it.

the reality is that it's hard to legalize pot, because of the international drug laws around it. that's ultimately the reason i don't expect it to happen here at all. so, you get around that by calling it a medicine and letting a doctor prescribe it.

but, smart people can see through this, and can see that the whole charade has done more to damage the medical profession than it has to legitimize the marijuana industry.

the right answer is to deregulate it like alcohol (it's harmless, in moderation.), to treat potheads like alcoholics (they need help.) and to stop selling it like snake oil.

and, for fuck's sake, don't smoke in the goddamned house.

listen.

i've smoked a lot of pot.

and, the idea that it would treat depression is retarded.

if there's any benefit of drug use on depression, it would be due to the fact that drug use is often social. so, you get the benefits of social interaction caught up in taking the drug. and, that's what these people need - friends, not drugs.

smoking mad amounts of pot by yourself is going to end with you crying in the corner while you're trying to masturbate. it's not just wrong; it's flatly moronic.

likewise, longterm chronic marijuana use - of the type associated with "medical" users - is thought to cause psychosis, not treat it.

there's no scientific excuse for this. and, if your doctor gave you marijuana, he belongs in jail - he's not a doctor, he's a drug dealer.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/edmonton/medical-cannabis-guidelines-alberta-1.4537039

the first step for "medical marijuana patients" needs to be in getting them to admit that they have a problem.

and, you're not helping them in enabling their habits.

the more i complain, the more she smokes.

just doesn't get it....

again: i still don't know if they're going to follow through with this. what i know is that i need an answer, so i can plan to leave if they aren't going to.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/in-theory/wp/2016/04/29/5-reasons-marijuana-is-not-medicine/?noredirect=on

what i'm learning from this is that the idea of "medical marijuana" should really be abolished.

it should be regulated like alcohol, and treated as a recreational drug that is mostly harmless in small dosages but potentially fatally toxic in large doses. daily smokers are drug addicts that need treatment, not patients that need access. doctors should not be prescribing this, and should not be normalizing it - and should be liable for negligence charges if they are. and, nobody should be getting subsidies for it.

the only exception i'm willing to allow for is people diagnosed with a terminal illness. in that case, nothing else really matters anymore.

but, the "doctors" that are prescribing this to healthy people and telling them it's ok to smoke all they want should be rounded up and shot. what a waste.