jessica
hi.
i attended frank ryan from
1993-1995 under the name jason parent. i go by the name jessica, now -
but anybody there that would remember me would remember me as jason.
i
had some disciplinary problems when i was a student at frank ryan,
which included being removed from my eighth grade class and placed in a
different classroom. you could broadly classify me as a "prankster",
although some of the behaviour was a little more intense than that. i
was also a fairly quiet and sometimes bullied individual and a
relatively good student, and these two things together got me through
the process with less consequences than i may have otherwise had to deal
with. it was generally understood that i was a "bright" kid and i'd
"grow out of it".
however, as i've aged, it's become
clear that the cause of my anti-social outbursts (which continued even
after high school) is an undiagnosed personality disorder. in hindsight,
i feel that this disorder should have been diagnosed while or even
before i was a student at frank ryan. as it is, i'm now nearly 34 years
old, remain undiagnosed and continue to demonstrate substantial
symptoms. i'm currently living on odsp and trying to compile evidence of
this undiagnosed personality disorder for the purposes of having that
renewed.
now, the same mild mannered nature that got me
off the hook in grade school is acting against me in terms of
convincing physicians that there's actually a problem. there's a very
big disconnect between how i come across in an interview setting (which
is very respectful and "normal") and the actual record of my past
behaviour (which has at times been just off the wall). i don't have a
criminal record. so, the best evidence i can provide would be my
behavioural records through grade school, high school and approximately
ten years of university.
i would greatly appreciate it if you could send me these documents. i currently live in windsor, ontario.
now,
i understand that this is a random email address that even displays an
entirely different name - you have no way to know that i am who i say i
am. i simply don't know what the proper process is in proving who i am.
so, if you could guide me through that, that would be great. the closest
i can get to coming down there in person is sending my mom...
the ottawa catholic school board
Hello Jessica,
I
work in the records and archives at the Ottawa Catholic School Board. I
was sent your request by the Vice Principal at Frank Ryan
A few questions to complete your request;
Date of Birth
What schools did you attend after Frank Ryan (in Ontario or outside of Ontario)
What grade and year was your last year at school?
Did you receive your diploma?
Please let us know and we would be happy to help you with your request
Thanks
jessica
legal name: jason parent
dob: jan 13, 1981
i'd actually be looking for records for the following schools, all in ottawa:
- st bernard's (k4 - grade two)
- uplands catholic (grade three - grade six)
- frank ryan (grades seven-eight)
- st pius x (grades 9 - oac)
i finished my oac year in the spring of 2000.
the
diploma question is a little shady. i completed all of the requirements
except for the oac religion component, which was a part of the catholic
school requirements. i took eight oacs but skipped the community
service becaue i simply didn't have time for it between studying for
"real courses" and working. i'm really starkly opposed to the
idea of labour without compensation and refused to do the community
service in an act of protest. this is a big discussion about class that
i'll spare you. i'm consequently not entirely certain if a diploma
actually exists. i don't think i've ever seen one. i didn't attend the
graduation ceremonies (i didn't attend my university graduation
ceremony, either). i did attend university and was admitted on the basis
of my oac marks.
the ottawa catholic school board
Hello,
Thank
you for the information. I will be able to provide you with copies of
all records we have in our archives. We will need to order them from
our off-site storage which may take a few days. We will contact you
when they are ready
jessica
i greatly appreciate that. thank you.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
access to student records
jessica
hi.
i attended st. pius X from 1995-2000 (when there were five years in high school) under the name jason parent. i go by the name jessica, now - but anybody there that would remember me would remember me as jason.
i had some disciplinary problems when i was a student at st. pius - multiple suspensions, and a few points of near expulsion. you could broadly classify me as a "prankster", although some of the behaviour was a little more intense than that. i was also a fairly quiet and sometimes bullied individual and a relatively good student, and these two things together got me through the process with less consequences than i may have otherwise had to deal with. it was generally understood that i was a "bright" kid and i'd "grow out of it".
however, as i've aged, it's become clear that the cause of my anti-social outbursts (which continued after high school) is an undiagnosed personality disorder. in hindsight, i feel that this disorder should have been diagnosed before i even got to st. pius. as it is, i'm now nearly 34 years old, remain undiagnosed and continue to demonstrate substantial symptoms. i'm currently living on odsp and trying to compile evidence of this undiagnosed personality disorder for the purposes of having that renewed.
now, the same mild mannered behaviour that got me off the hook in high school is acting against me in terms of convincing physicians that there's actually a problem. there's a very big disconnect between how i come across in an interview setting (which is very respectful and "normal") and the actual record of my past behaviour (which has at times been just off the wall). i don't have a criminal record. so, the best evidence i can provide would be my behavioural records through grade school, high school and approximately ten years of university (if anybody is curious, i finished degrees in mathematics and computer science, as well as minors in law and physics - and was written up repeatedly for angry, anti-social outbursts directed at profs and students).
i would greatly appreciate it if you could send me these documents. i currently live in windsor, ontario.
now, i understand that this is a random email address that even displays an entirely different name - you have no way to know that i am who i say i am. i simply don't know what the proper process is in proving who i am. so, if you could guide me through that, that would be great. the closest i can get to coming down there in person is sending my mom...
mr. warren
Good Morning Jessica,
I received your email and I remember you as a good student.
I now work in the Student Services Department.
After students leave high school, all documentation is destroyed after five years, except for transcripts. So all we have on file now is your transcript showing good marks and credits earned. There is nothing here regarding any issues or behaviour.
jessica
hi mr warren.
yeah, i was in your enriched math class and also your chemistry class. i think you also knew my stepmother.
frank ryan has told me that the school board keeps archived information. do you think i'd be able to find information there? if you so, do you have a contact address?
there were in fact multiple suspensions and a threat of possible expulsion that never materialized. if there's a file somewhere, it's really quite thick.
mr. warren
Hello Jessica,
Sorry, other than the OSR that was here, I am not aware of any archived files. Once students leave high school, all of the suspensions and related files are shredded after 5 years, and only the transcript is retained. You could certainly call the board office and ask if you wish.
hi.
i attended st. pius X from 1995-2000 (when there were five years in high school) under the name jason parent. i go by the name jessica, now - but anybody there that would remember me would remember me as jason.
i had some disciplinary problems when i was a student at st. pius - multiple suspensions, and a few points of near expulsion. you could broadly classify me as a "prankster", although some of the behaviour was a little more intense than that. i was also a fairly quiet and sometimes bullied individual and a relatively good student, and these two things together got me through the process with less consequences than i may have otherwise had to deal with. it was generally understood that i was a "bright" kid and i'd "grow out of it".
however, as i've aged, it's become clear that the cause of my anti-social outbursts (which continued after high school) is an undiagnosed personality disorder. in hindsight, i feel that this disorder should have been diagnosed before i even got to st. pius. as it is, i'm now nearly 34 years old, remain undiagnosed and continue to demonstrate substantial symptoms. i'm currently living on odsp and trying to compile evidence of this undiagnosed personality disorder for the purposes of having that renewed.
now, the same mild mannered behaviour that got me off the hook in high school is acting against me in terms of convincing physicians that there's actually a problem. there's a very big disconnect between how i come across in an interview setting (which is very respectful and "normal") and the actual record of my past behaviour (which has at times been just off the wall). i don't have a criminal record. so, the best evidence i can provide would be my behavioural records through grade school, high school and approximately ten years of university (if anybody is curious, i finished degrees in mathematics and computer science, as well as minors in law and physics - and was written up repeatedly for angry, anti-social outbursts directed at profs and students).
i would greatly appreciate it if you could send me these documents. i currently live in windsor, ontario.
now, i understand that this is a random email address that even displays an entirely different name - you have no way to know that i am who i say i am. i simply don't know what the proper process is in proving who i am. so, if you could guide me through that, that would be great. the closest i can get to coming down there in person is sending my mom...
mr. warren
Good Morning Jessica,
I received your email and I remember you as a good student.
I now work in the Student Services Department.
After students leave high school, all documentation is destroyed after five years, except for transcripts. So all we have on file now is your transcript showing good marks and credits earned. There is nothing here regarding any issues or behaviour.
jessica
hi mr warren.
yeah, i was in your enriched math class and also your chemistry class. i think you also knew my stepmother.
frank ryan has told me that the school board keeps archived information. do you think i'd be able to find information there? if you so, do you have a contact address?
there were in fact multiple suspensions and a threat of possible expulsion that never materialized. if there's a file somewhere, it's really quite thick.
mr. warren
Hello Jessica,
Sorry, other than the OSR that was here, I am not aware of any archived files. Once students leave high school, all of the suspensions and related files are shredded after 5 years, and only the transcript is retained. You could certainly call the board office and ask if you wish.
hi....
jessica
it's jason parent.
it's been a few years, but i'm sure you remember me...
i don't think i have access to a carleton account anymore, but i can double check if you can't accept correspondence from this email. i think if you check, though, you'll see i corresponded from this address repeatedly.
i've been on odsp for two years, now. it's brought me to windsor, ontario where the cost of living is much lower. i was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder at the mission in ottawa, which was an exaggeration of symptoms i was experiencing out of concern for my homelessness at the time. i'm now up for renewal, and i'm not likely to get renewed on that basis.
however, after reflecting on my life history, i feel there's an undiagnosed personality disorder going back many years that i'd benefit from having diagnosed properly. now, you might recall that you were always impressed by how i came off in an interview context - that is that there was a large disconnect between how i presented myself to you face-to-face and the outbursts that caused you to summon me to you. that same disconnect is acting to my disadvantage. that is, i come off very normal and stable. the truth is i AM very stable in the situation that i'm in and don't really want things to change. i'm also fully cognizant that it's difficult to extrapolate my symptoms from interviewing me. i'm going to have to present an argument that's based on a long history of antisocial behaviour going back to my early childhood - and that is well documented through behavioural reports in grade school, high school and university.
so, i'm hoping you can send me the reports that you filled out about me so that i can take them to a psychiatric evaluation as evidence of this long, long undiagnosed underlying issue. even if it doesn't get me to odsp, i need it properly diagnosed and understood.
in hindsight, i actually feel i should have been diagnosed before the age of 15, at least. the argument was always that i was very "bright" and that a diagnosis would negatively impact my future. but as time has played out, it's become clear that the underlying concerns need to be dealt with and that the fact that they never were has really been far more negative than positive. i don't know what diagnosis is forthcoming - i think it's going to depend a lot on how the evidence is interpreted - but i couldn't imagine somebody sorting through the suspensions and near expulsions i experienced through a 20 year academic career without pulling something debilitating out of it.
so, i'd appreciate that tremendously. again, let me know if i need to send this from a different address. i don't know if i even still know the passwords, though...
director of student affairs, carleton university
Hi Jessica,
I remember you. Good to hear from you. Sounds like things are going ok. I did my undergrad at Windsor. Lots of memories. I know in recent years the town hasn't been doing so hot. Hopefully things are getting better, particularly in the downtown core.
It shouldn't be a problem for me to pull up some of my emails and then send them to you again, but I will need you to send me an email from your CU account. I'll send the emails there and you'll have them for your records to support your appeal. I'm suspect the process of getting back into your Carleton account is pretty straightforward. Once you get access, let me know and I'll send you the information.
Let me know if that sounds like an acceptable course of action.
it's jason parent.
it's been a few years, but i'm sure you remember me...
i don't think i have access to a carleton account anymore, but i can double check if you can't accept correspondence from this email. i think if you check, though, you'll see i corresponded from this address repeatedly.
i've been on odsp for two years, now. it's brought me to windsor, ontario where the cost of living is much lower. i was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder at the mission in ottawa, which was an exaggeration of symptoms i was experiencing out of concern for my homelessness at the time. i'm now up for renewal, and i'm not likely to get renewed on that basis.
however, after reflecting on my life history, i feel there's an undiagnosed personality disorder going back many years that i'd benefit from having diagnosed properly. now, you might recall that you were always impressed by how i came off in an interview context - that is that there was a large disconnect between how i presented myself to you face-to-face and the outbursts that caused you to summon me to you. that same disconnect is acting to my disadvantage. that is, i come off very normal and stable. the truth is i AM very stable in the situation that i'm in and don't really want things to change. i'm also fully cognizant that it's difficult to extrapolate my symptoms from interviewing me. i'm going to have to present an argument that's based on a long history of antisocial behaviour going back to my early childhood - and that is well documented through behavioural reports in grade school, high school and university.
so, i'm hoping you can send me the reports that you filled out about me so that i can take them to a psychiatric evaluation as evidence of this long, long undiagnosed underlying issue. even if it doesn't get me to odsp, i need it properly diagnosed and understood.
in hindsight, i actually feel i should have been diagnosed before the age of 15, at least. the argument was always that i was very "bright" and that a diagnosis would negatively impact my future. but as time has played out, it's become clear that the underlying concerns need to be dealt with and that the fact that they never were has really been far more negative than positive. i don't know what diagnosis is forthcoming - i think it's going to depend a lot on how the evidence is interpreted - but i couldn't imagine somebody sorting through the suspensions and near expulsions i experienced through a 20 year academic career without pulling something debilitating out of it.
so, i'd appreciate that tremendously. again, let me know if i need to send this from a different address. i don't know if i even still know the passwords, though...
director of student affairs, carleton university
Hi Jessica,
I remember you. Good to hear from you. Sounds like things are going ok. I did my undergrad at Windsor. Lots of memories. I know in recent years the town hasn't been doing so hot. Hopefully things are getting better, particularly in the downtown core.
It shouldn't be a problem for me to pull up some of my emails and then send them to you again, but I will need you to send me an email from your CU account. I'll send the emails there and you'll have them for your records to support your appeal. I'm suspect the process of getting back into your Carleton account is pretty straightforward. Once you get access, let me know and I'll send you the information.
Let me know if that sounds like an acceptable course of action.
well, i've sent emails out to the four schools i've been to since
grade three. i don't remember before grade three. i'm not quite sure
why. anyways, we'll find out if anybody reads these things or if they're
dead addresses....
give it a few days before i start calling.
i'm quite certain i'll get a response from ryan at carleton, and it may be all i need.
give it a few days before i start calling.
i'm quite certain i'll get a response from ryan at carleton, and it may be all i need.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
except that i think i have a mild fever...
did they get a vaccine done, yet?
they're testing one...
http://windsorstar.com/health/windsor-paramedics-don-protective-gear-to-treat-patient-showing-ebola-symptoms
http://woodtv.com/2014/10/29/report-8-monitored-in-mi-for-ebola-virus/
the doctor i've been dealing with in the local clinic is actually from nigeria. i have no idea if she's been back and forth recently.
(i only know she's from nigeria because she speaks yoruba, and i happen to know (i'm a geek) that this is a local nigerian language group)
the only situations i can conceive of possibly being at risk are:
(1) when i took my temperature under my tongue at the hospital, but they swore it was safe.
(2) when i stole a toke on the 18th from some hippie strangers. gee, wouldn't that be awkward.
i wasn't in close enough contact with the doctor for it to even be a paranoia issue.
and i'm not sure if my "fever" is legit or the result of the temperature in here.
i have a tendency for mild paranoia. but, dammit, i could be rationalizing myself into something nasty, here.
pizza runs don't last more than 24 hours. i'll wait until tomorrow and make a decision. but i don't see any obvious path of exposure. meaning that if i'm infected, there's a pretty serious problem here in windsor.
i'm not coughing or anything. mild stomach irritation, but that's normal, given that i'm constantly drinking coffee.
let's see how my body reacts to some antacids...
see, this happens all the time, though - i get freaked out over something quasi-rational, then i carefully (even somewhat neurotically) work through it. meaning i'm able to rationalize through whatever pathology is freaking me out. but that level of control is a mask. here's the thing: i don't know what my success rate really is. let's say it's 99% - probably higher than it truly is. what that means is i'm a ticking time bomb, and you want to keep me out of stressful environments.
but, you can't diagnose it until it's too late.
i can't think of any reason why a sane person would walk into a doctor's office and try to convince them otherwise. if i really wanted to fraud the system, i'd break my back or literally shoot myself in the foot or something. accepting and pushing for a mental diagnosis is pretty strong evidence in itself that something's not right there. you know, and you try and be responsible and get help and they don't listen...
i'm needing to sit myself down and convince myself i don't have ebola. i think i'm succeeding. but it's symptomatic of a general difficulty in interpreting reality.
and if that leads to some crazy behaviour, nobody can say i didn't try and get help for it.
i don't need drugs that are going to turn me into a zombie. i just need to avoid stress.
and i want to be clear what my diagnosis is: the reagan revolution has pushed backwards conservative ideologies about social services into the system itself, and those backwards views are blocking me from gaining access to the help that i require.
i don't feel i'm dealing with a systems breakdown, a lack of funding or a broken medical infrastructure. i feel i'm dealing with doctors that are putting their political views ahead of their medical practice.
they're not doing what's best for the patient, they're reacting to a feeling of being overtaxed and seeking to behave in a way that they feel will reduce their tax burden - whether that harms the patient in front of them or not.
if you understand reality in terms of class conflict, it puts just about any doctor in a conflict of interest when it comes to approving just about any kind of disability.
if you take that to it's logical conclusion, it's an argument for a guaranteed income (because you can't cut doctor's salaries next door to a giant, unregulated market). that would probably be sufficient in my case, and sufficient in the case of many other people in this difficult to clearly diagnose grey area.
it's abundantly clear i can't work.
it's not so clear what the reason for it is.
hopefully somebody can see through this properly.
i mean, the average salary is over 300K, but they're paying 40-50% taxes on it. on top of that, they're paying property taxes - and, of course, almost all of them actually are. they have an interest in finding ways to reduce their tax burden, which will present itself in keeping costs down. so, they're not in any way an unbiased arbiter of who ought to be receiving social services. they're just not....
in order to jump through those hoops, mentally, you have to romanticize the hippocrates oath into a noble pledge and elevate them into noble warriors for justice. a moment's reflection with anybody that's dealt with a doctor knows that's fucking bunk.
you'll find a few that are something like the tv characters, putting their own health on the line for their patients.
but, my understanding is that the psychological profile of the average doctor is actually bordering on psychopathy - and has to be, because there's much less than a 100% success rate. the only way you can do a job where you fail 30-40% of the time is if you keep a certain emotional distance.
what it means is dr. house is probably the better representative, overall.
whatever diagnosis comes out of this - schizophrenia, high level autism, bpd, manic depression - is going to require a lot of discussion to uncover, and that needs a physician that's willing to invest the time in it - and quite frankly against their own financial interests.
at the most basic crude level, you'd have to think that if somebody does crazy things over and over again, or feels crazy urges over and over again, then they must be crazy. the fact that the person has been able to mostly keep out of trouble and/or gain access to a support system that's kept them out of trouble doesn't negate all the crazy things and crazy thoughts. it does, however, mean that if you remove that support system then the up-to-now not experienced consequences will produce themselves. i guess i'm just having a really hard time grasping the need to actually flip out before i'm taken seriously, partly, i guess, because it wasn't really necessary in the past.
i guess i had a very strong support system with my father that only failed around the time he wasn't able to make his own decisions due to diagnosis of cancer (and i've long suspected he was aware of the diagnosis considerably before i found out, that the events that occurred in late 2011 were a consequence of his already understood diagnosis and that the only reason i really found out at all was because of the situation. i even suspect that the reason he pushed so hard to have me move home was because he knew he was terminal, and the reason she refused so violently is also that she knew he was terminal. that fucked my situation up profoundly because it left me homeless, but there were complex reasons underlying it.). i went pretty cleanly from that support system to the state as a support system. this is really the first time i'm facing the possibility of lacking that system of support. the reality is that i haven't been able to survive without it, and i'm not going to be able to survive without it. i just simply didn't need a diagnosis or state aid because i had a family that was taking care of me, which i don't have any more.
in hindsight, i probably should have gone through all of this ten-fifteen years ago.
all of the symptoms were there. it just wasn't necessary to do.
i mean, what happened was:
(1) i can't pay my rent
(2) he convinces me to move home
(3) i give my two months
(4) i'm told i can't move home
(5) i've already given my two months, so, i'm now homeless
(6) i flip out on him
(7) i find out he has cancer
(8) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
but i think what actually happened was:
(1) he learns he has cancer
(2) i can't pay my rent
(3) he convinces me to come home - *because* he has cancer and he wants me there. he doesn't tell her...
(4) i give my two months
(5) she refuses to let me move home - *because* she knows he's terminal, and doesn't want me there after the fact, which is why he didn't tell her.
(6) i've already given my two months, so, now i'm homeless.
(7) i flip out on him.
(8) i find out he has cancer
(9) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
in all honesty? if he had told me he had cancer, i would have never given my two months....
i mean, the idea of me sharing a house with jackie after my father's death is unthinkable - for both of us.
the point is i'm not just unable to support myself all of a sudden. i was hopeless the whole time. i just had a support system.
i mean, i don't have down syndrome, but suppose i did. that person could survive just fine through their family. but if their family all of sudden ceases to be, they now require outside assistance. i'm just exaggerating the condition to make the point.
it's the same fundamental circumstance - the difference is i never got diagnosed with what i should have been diagnosed with years and years ago.
and now it seems like there was nothing wrong, when, in truth, there was something wrong the whole time.
i mean, it goes back to my earlier argument - who wants that kind of diagnosis if they don't need it? i'm pretty high functioning in the sense that i don't need help carrying out tasks, so it's easy to delude yourself into thinking you'll be ok if you can find the right path. an autism diagnosis is kind of a dead end in a lot of ways. it's not something you want to jump at. but if i can get my school records...
actually, i wonder if i *can* get my school records. that's a huge argument in my favour right now.
i really should have been diagnosed with something in grade school.
just as a corollary of my behaviour.
the argument was always that i had really high marks, and any kind of diagnosis would just hurt my future.
in fact, i think the lack of diagnosis has hurt me much more.
i went through multiple suspensions in high school, i was nearly expelled, and before that my eighth grade teacher actually removed me from her classroom (i had to switch classes halfway through the year). if i had to guess, i'd say i probably spent more time in the hallway in grade 8 than i did in the classroom.
i just spent the time in the hallway doing homework or reading; my grades were like 90-95%, so nobody wanted to "disrupt my future". it's that POTENTIAL thing again....
when i was in my early 20s, i started writing all over my walls.
graphs.
charts.
i was looking for the center of power.
i've been (i think unfairly) accused of stalking two people. trolling, definitely. not stalking.....never been charges laid, never been any justification to lay any.....but it's certainly been anti-social behaviour.
i've been fired for bad punctuality repeatedly.
around 2006, i decided that the problem of existence can be reduced to chasing immortality. the only justification to exist is to attempt to find immortality. if you fail, you've lost nothing - if you succeed, you've justified your existence. any other type of existence is a waste of time.
i still believe this, i just don't think it's feasible before quantum computing becomes a reality, and i don't think that's feasible in my lifetime. all this talk of singularities is based on this exponential growth curve that i don't think is sustainable. there's a point where moore's law is going to flatten out and we're going to find ourselves up against a brick wall. there's a solution in quantum computing, but i think it's a ways beyond us.
consider fusion. 50 years ago, it was the future. we're still waiting.
we're going to be waiting quite a while for those quantum machines to be able to do anything useful, as well.
i mean, to begin with, we've got to understand da fuck is even happening. we're fumbling around in the dark looking for a light-switch with this - over-reaching the theoretical possibilities and assuming things beyond what is actually realistic.
you will fit on a usb key one day. for now, getting you there is well beyond our computing capabilities, and it's going to be that way for a long time.
so, i've resigned myself to the meaninglessness of my existence.
as rational as this all is, it's pretty nuts.
i really think getting those school records is the right way to start. i can excise my narcissism through providing my life story. and, anybody convinced i'm sane by the end....isn't.
there you go jess, that's using that noggin...
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
except that i think i have a mild fever...
did they get a vaccine done, yet?
they're testing one...
http://windsorstar.com/health/windsor-paramedics-don-protective-gear-to-treat-patient-showing-ebola-symptoms
http://woodtv.com/2014/10/29/report-8-monitored-in-mi-for-ebola-virus/
the doctor i've been dealing with in the local clinic is actually from nigeria. i have no idea if she's been back and forth recently.
(i only know she's from nigeria because she speaks yoruba, and i happen to know (i'm a geek) that this is a local nigerian language group)
the only situations i can conceive of possibly being at risk are:
(1) when i took my temperature under my tongue at the hospital, but they swore it was safe.
(2) when i stole a toke on the 18th from some hippie strangers. gee, wouldn't that be awkward.
i wasn't in close enough contact with the doctor for it to even be a paranoia issue.
and i'm not sure if my "fever" is legit or the result of the temperature in here.
i have a tendency for mild paranoia. but, dammit, i could be rationalizing myself into something nasty, here.
pizza runs don't last more than 24 hours. i'll wait until tomorrow and make a decision. but i don't see any obvious path of exposure. meaning that if i'm infected, there's a pretty serious problem here in windsor.
i'm not coughing or anything. mild stomach irritation, but that's normal, given that i'm constantly drinking coffee.
let's see how my body reacts to some antacids...
see, this happens all the time, though - i get freaked out over something quasi-rational, then i carefully (even somewhat neurotically) work through it. meaning i'm able to rationalize through whatever pathology is freaking me out. but that level of control is a mask. here's the thing: i don't know what my success rate really is. let's say it's 99% - probably higher than it truly is. what that means is i'm a ticking time bomb, and you want to keep me out of stressful environments.
but, you can't diagnose it until it's too late.
i can't think of any reason why a sane person would walk into a doctor's office and try to convince them otherwise. if i really wanted to fraud the system, i'd break my back or literally shoot myself in the foot or something. accepting and pushing for a mental diagnosis is pretty strong evidence in itself that something's not right there. you know, and you try and be responsible and get help and they don't listen...
i'm needing to sit myself down and convince myself i don't have ebola. i think i'm succeeding. but it's symptomatic of a general difficulty in interpreting reality.
and if that leads to some crazy behaviour, nobody can say i didn't try and get help for it.
i don't need drugs that are going to turn me into a zombie. i just need to avoid stress.
and i want to be clear what my diagnosis is: the reagan revolution has pushed backwards conservative ideologies about social services into the system itself, and those backwards views are blocking me from gaining access to the help that i require.
i don't feel i'm dealing with a systems breakdown, a lack of funding or a broken medical infrastructure. i feel i'm dealing with doctors that are putting their political views ahead of their medical practice.
they're not doing what's best for the patient, they're reacting to a feeling of being overtaxed and seeking to behave in a way that they feel will reduce their tax burden - whether that harms the patient in front of them or not.
if you understand reality in terms of class conflict, it puts just about any doctor in a conflict of interest when it comes to approving just about any kind of disability.
if you take that to it's logical conclusion, it's an argument for a guaranteed income (because you can't cut doctor's salaries next door to a giant, unregulated market). that would probably be sufficient in my case, and sufficient in the case of many other people in this difficult to clearly diagnose grey area.
it's abundantly clear i can't work.
it's not so clear what the reason for it is.
hopefully somebody can see through this properly.
i mean, the average salary is over 300K, but they're paying 40-50% taxes on it. on top of that, they're paying property taxes - and, of course, almost all of them actually are. they have an interest in finding ways to reduce their tax burden, which will present itself in keeping costs down. so, they're not in any way an unbiased arbiter of who ought to be receiving social services. they're just not....
in order to jump through those hoops, mentally, you have to romanticize the hippocrates oath into a noble pledge and elevate them into noble warriors for justice. a moment's reflection with anybody that's dealt with a doctor knows that's fucking bunk.
you'll find a few that are something like the tv characters, putting their own health on the line for their patients.
but, my understanding is that the psychological profile of the average doctor is actually bordering on psychopathy - and has to be, because there's much less than a 100% success rate. the only way you can do a job where you fail 30-40% of the time is if you keep a certain emotional distance.
what it means is dr. house is probably the better representative, overall.
whatever diagnosis comes out of this - schizophrenia, high level autism, bpd, manic depression - is going to require a lot of discussion to uncover, and that needs a physician that's willing to invest the time in it - and quite frankly against their own financial interests.
at the most basic crude level, you'd have to think that if somebody does crazy things over and over again, or feels crazy urges over and over again, then they must be crazy. the fact that the person has been able to mostly keep out of trouble and/or gain access to a support system that's kept them out of trouble doesn't negate all the crazy things and crazy thoughts. it does, however, mean that if you remove that support system then the up-to-now not experienced consequences will produce themselves. i guess i'm just having a really hard time grasping the need to actually flip out before i'm taken seriously, partly, i guess, because it wasn't really necessary in the past.
i guess i had a very strong support system with my father that only failed around the time he wasn't able to make his own decisions due to diagnosis of cancer (and i've long suspected he was aware of the diagnosis considerably before i found out, that the events that occurred in late 2011 were a consequence of his already understood diagnosis and that the only reason i really found out at all was because of the situation. i even suspect that the reason he pushed so hard to have me move home was because he knew he was terminal, and the reason she refused so violently is also that she knew he was terminal. that fucked my situation up profoundly because it left me homeless, but there were complex reasons underlying it.). i went pretty cleanly from that support system to the state as a support system. this is really the first time i'm facing the possibility of lacking that system of support. the reality is that i haven't been able to survive without it, and i'm not going to be able to survive without it. i just simply didn't need a diagnosis or state aid because i had a family that was taking care of me, which i don't have any more.
in hindsight, i probably should have gone through all of this ten-fifteen years ago.
all of the symptoms were there. it just wasn't necessary to do.
i mean, what happened was:
(1) i can't pay my rent
(2) he convinces me to move home
(3) i give my two months
(4) i'm told i can't move home
(5) i've already given my two months, so, i'm now homeless
(6) i flip out on him
(7) i find out he has cancer
(8) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
but i think what actually happened was:
(1) he learns he has cancer
(2) i can't pay my rent
(3) he convinces me to come home - *because* he has cancer and he wants me there. he doesn't tell her...
(4) i give my two months
(5) she refuses to let me move home - *because* she knows he's terminal, and doesn't want me there after the fact, which is why he didn't tell her.
(6) i've already given my two months, so, now i'm homeless.
(7) i flip out on him.
(8) i find out he has cancer
(9) the conflict just doesn't get talked through
in all honesty? if he had told me he had cancer, i would have never given my two months....
i mean, the idea of me sharing a house with jackie after my father's death is unthinkable - for both of us.
the point is i'm not just unable to support myself all of a sudden. i was hopeless the whole time. i just had a support system.
i mean, i don't have down syndrome, but suppose i did. that person could survive just fine through their family. but if their family all of sudden ceases to be, they now require outside assistance. i'm just exaggerating the condition to make the point.
it's the same fundamental circumstance - the difference is i never got diagnosed with what i should have been diagnosed with years and years ago.
and now it seems like there was nothing wrong, when, in truth, there was something wrong the whole time.
i mean, it goes back to my earlier argument - who wants that kind of diagnosis if they don't need it? i'm pretty high functioning in the sense that i don't need help carrying out tasks, so it's easy to delude yourself into thinking you'll be ok if you can find the right path. an autism diagnosis is kind of a dead end in a lot of ways. it's not something you want to jump at. but if i can get my school records...
actually, i wonder if i *can* get my school records. that's a huge argument in my favour right now.
i really should have been diagnosed with something in grade school.
just as a corollary of my behaviour.
the argument was always that i had really high marks, and any kind of diagnosis would just hurt my future.
in fact, i think the lack of diagnosis has hurt me much more.
i went through multiple suspensions in high school, i was nearly expelled, and before that my eighth grade teacher actually removed me from her classroom (i had to switch classes halfway through the year). if i had to guess, i'd say i probably spent more time in the hallway in grade 8 than i did in the classroom.
i just spent the time in the hallway doing homework or reading; my grades were like 90-95%, so nobody wanted to "disrupt my future". it's that POTENTIAL thing again....
when i was in my early 20s, i started writing all over my walls.
graphs.
charts.
i was looking for the center of power.
i've been (i think unfairly) accused of stalking two people. trolling, definitely. not stalking.....never been charges laid, never been any justification to lay any.....but it's certainly been anti-social behaviour.
i've been fired for bad punctuality repeatedly.
around 2006, i decided that the problem of existence can be reduced to chasing immortality. the only justification to exist is to attempt to find immortality. if you fail, you've lost nothing - if you succeed, you've justified your existence. any other type of existence is a waste of time.
i still believe this, i just don't think it's feasible before quantum computing becomes a reality, and i don't think that's feasible in my lifetime. all this talk of singularities is based on this exponential growth curve that i don't think is sustainable. there's a point where moore's law is going to flatten out and we're going to find ourselves up against a brick wall. there's a solution in quantum computing, but i think it's a ways beyond us.
consider fusion. 50 years ago, it was the future. we're still waiting.
we're going to be waiting quite a while for those quantum machines to be able to do anything useful, as well.
i mean, to begin with, we've got to understand da fuck is even happening. we're fumbling around in the dark looking for a light-switch with this - over-reaching the theoretical possibilities and assuming things beyond what is actually realistic.
you will fit on a usb key one day. for now, getting you there is well beyond our computing capabilities, and it's going to be that way for a long time.
so, i've resigned myself to the meaninglessness of my existence.
as rational as this all is, it's pretty nuts.
i really think getting those school records is the right way to start. i can excise my narcissism through providing my life story. and, anybody convinced i'm sane by the end....isn't.
there you go jess, that's using that noggin...
it turns out the evaluation he wanted to send me to was to a couple of social workers with no medical credentials. the secretary and i agreed that this was essentially a waste of time, until i could state a goal to overcome - which in my case is not in a form that they can treat. if i tell them i have no motivation to live, they can try to help me work through the lack of motivation, but they can't diagnose me with anything or fill out my papers. their purpose is to help me overcome the existential dread, rather than put me on a path where i can live with it, which is not going to happen in my circumstance - because it's the consequence of a logical process.
in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.
so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".
i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.
stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.
the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.
so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.
for now, i need to get a drum part done...
in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.
so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".
i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.
stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.
the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.
so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.
for now, i need to get a drum part done...
and, there's my new front page file for the next week....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdjPvgGh2qw
this track opens my second cassette demo. i had to sneak into my sister's room after school (or skip the second half of the day to come home early) to get access to the synthesizer and metronome. it's a pretty basic recording that cycles mostly around the effects work. it's also the second half of a piece meant to explore extreme mood swings.
audio: inertia (1997)
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/inertia
film: borrowed without permission:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS_oLmWlG8s
it may be automatic, but the parasite seems to be going through a ritualistic process of mourning. it seems to lovingly caress it's dead host in the process of saying goodbye. yet, it's movements also suggest that it is emotionally crushed by the loss. the sound & images, put together, accomplish that mourning process in a sort of ballet. i found this to be haunting and beautiful.
does love really differ from parasitism?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdjPvgGh2qw
this track opens my second cassette demo. i had to sneak into my sister's room after school (or skip the second half of the day to come home early) to get access to the synthesizer and metronome. it's a pretty basic recording that cycles mostly around the effects work. it's also the second half of a piece meant to explore extreme mood swings.
audio: inertia (1997)
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/inertia
film: borrowed without permission:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS_oLmWlG8s
it may be automatic, but the parasite seems to be going through a ritualistic process of mourning. it seems to lovingly caress it's dead host in the process of saying goodbye. yet, it's movements also suggest that it is emotionally crushed by the loss. the sound & images, put together, accomplish that mourning process in a sort of ballet. i found this to be haunting and beautiful.
does love really differ from parasitism?
obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...
it's aesthetic, and sort of a random choice. the influence is the mellotron, in general. i was trying to get that "angels singing" mellotron sound at the end of the track. this song occupies such a weird space in my childhood, as my favourite lullaby...it's like implant-burned into my brain...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence, confused)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01CnBGWvBpE
it's aesthetic, and sort of a random choice. the influence is the mellotron, in general. i was trying to get that "angels singing" mellotron sound at the end of the track. this song occupies such a weird space in my childhood, as my favourite lullaby...it's like implant-burned into my brain...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence, confused)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01CnBGWvBpE
obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...
these haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. i ended up using this is as the template for two simple reasons:
(1) it was one of the few songs in the style i'd heard
(2) i didn't really know how to play the synthesizer. in fact, i had to skip school to get access to the thing in my sister's room.
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1vxJb6MQ34
these haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. i ended up using this is as the template for two simple reasons:
(1) it was one of the few songs in the style i'd heard
(2) i didn't really know how to play the synthesizer. in fact, i had to skip school to get access to the thing in my sister's room.
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1vxJb6MQ34
obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...
well, not really. but the funny thing is that this is basically identical to what i was writing at almost exactly the same time. i finished my track in march, 1997; this was first released in april. unless he's secretly a cia agent, billy couldn't have possibly heard my tune. in fact, nobody had, as i didn't want anybody to know i was sneaking into my sister's room to use her keyboard. i didn't actually hear this version of the end... until late 97 or early 98 - iirc, i downloaded it from netphoria and dumped it on a cassette with other pumpkins rarities. i didn't even have internet access in march, 1997 (i did by about august or so, roughly) . but the similarity is so strong that they're basically the same song.
these influential on posts haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. this is the dark half...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmCrT6XkdMc
as for this tune? listening to it all these years later, it sounds strangely clinical. kind of like a grade school voice leading project. had he played those arpeggios on an analog synth instead....
well, not really. but the funny thing is that this is basically identical to what i was writing at almost exactly the same time. i finished my track in march, 1997; this was first released in april. unless he's secretly a cia agent, billy couldn't have possibly heard my tune. in fact, nobody had, as i didn't want anybody to know i was sneaking into my sister's room to use her keyboard. i didn't actually hear this version of the end... until late 97 or early 98 - iirc, i downloaded it from netphoria and dumped it on a cassette with other pumpkins rarities. i didn't even have internet access in march, 1997 (i did by about august or so, roughly) . but the similarity is so strong that they're basically the same song.
these influential on posts haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. this is the dark half...
(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmCrT6XkdMc
as for this tune? listening to it all these years later, it sounds strangely clinical. kind of like a grade school voice leading project. had he played those arpeggios on an analog synth instead....
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