it turns out the evaluation he wanted to send me to was to a couple of social workers with no medical credentials. the secretary and i agreed that this was essentially a waste of time, until i could state a goal to overcome - which in my case is not in a form that they can treat. if i tell them i have no motivation to live, they can try to help me work through the lack of motivation, but they can't diagnose me with anything or fill out my papers. their purpose is to help me overcome the existential dread, rather than put me on a path where i can live with it, which is not going to happen in my circumstance - because it's the consequence of a logical process.

in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.

so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".

i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.

stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.

the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.

so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.

for now, i need to get a drum part done...