i had to firmly end things after she asked to drop by

Shelly Teagan
Hey jess. Can i come visit you this week?

Jessica Amber Murray
are you coming down to windsor for some reason?

Shelly Teagan
Oh no. Im just depressed and want to travel a bit.

I might just hang out in guelph

Jessica Amber Murray
erin, i wasn't sure how to bring shit up with you. i found myself in a really difficult position last month. when i say i wish you the best, i mean it in absolute sincerity. even as i was trying to wind things down, i couldn't bring myself to hang you to dry when you needed somebody to talk to. i may or may not have made a good judgement call regarding timing, but it was a thing that was going to happen. maybe we could meet for coffee to talk if you come down, but i'm not comfortable with you staying here. i think i know i'm being paranoid, but there's just this competitive streak you have that really scares me and that makes me feel really vulnerable to being taken advantage of. i just have some really profound trust issues and certain bells went off. i need to follow my gut.

Shelly Teagan
Im a little confused and dont know what youre saying. You dont want to be my friend? Was i shitty recently?

Its ok i get it. I hope youre doing alright.

Jessica Amber Murray
i don't think it's any one thing, so much as a culmination of observations. the approach you're taking to existing in a social reality will probably serve you well in the long run, once you can get beyond the institutionalized daycare system that the elites have constructed for us, and is keeping people chained to their own ambitions pushing into their late 20s. it's exactly the quality that i lack, and has kept me from being able to succeed socially. but, that juxtaposition puts me in a situation where i'm in deep peril in the medium-term because i'm not equipped to respond. it's not that i don't want to be your friend. i actually sort of do. i rather like you. it's that i've come to understand that it's not safe for me to continue along that path, that there's an inevitable endpoint that will cause me harm. i realize you might not fully understand, and i'm sorry if you don't, but i have to keep myself sheltered from certain things. and, i do hope things work out for you in the way that you want them to.

Shelly Teagan
Lol i dropped out of school if that makes you feel better. Also i have no ambitions anymore.

Baha. I seriously dont give a shit about shit.

this elite, institutionalized daycare!!!!!

Jessica Amber Murray
well, that doesn't make me feel better. why did you drop out?

Shelly Teagan
I think i want to go to algonquin and become a technician or something.

Jessica Amber Murray
i dropped out several times and went back, if that makes *you* feel better. i was going into third year when i said "fuck it, i'm going to get a job in a coffee shop and make music". i took the semester off, drank a ton, had a lot of fun and then want back in the fall. yeah. i was kind of getting the impression that maybe you wanted to study something other than music.

Shelly Teagan
I was trying to show you how un-competitive im being. Lolll.

Anyways i might not come to windsor this week. I might go to guelph only, and midland maybe

Jessica Amber Murray
that's very competitive of you :P

you shouldn't try to change yourself for others.

Shelly Teagan
Im confused again. Damnit!

Bahhh i cant win!

Jessica Amber Murray
always trying to win...

Shelly Teagan
Shitt..... nvm. Ok gotta run. My phone is about to shut off.

Jessica Amber Murray
listen, i wouldn't make you sleep outside, either. i just think we should be going our separate ways. good luck.

Shelly Teagan
Lol ok, jess. See ya.

Jessica Amber Murray
and, erin, just one more thing? realize that i'm not happy about this, that it hurts me to do this, probably more than you. now, i'm having this fear that you wanted to come down here to see me, and it's like a stab in the heart that i responded like i did. you know that feeling you get when your emotional hormones just go haywire? but, that's exactly why i had to.

Shelly Teagan
Youre just trying to find reasons to cut people out so you can feel more alone than you already do. Im not taking it personally. I just feel bad that you feel like you have to alienate everybody you know

i picked up this little one person blender (500 ml) for $10 and it's pretty much the greatest thing ever. one banana, one peach, a handful of strawberries and some vanilla soy, all blended up. it's pretty much all i consume, now.

well, that and tomato sandwiches. and some eggs and pasta every few days for some protein.