Jessica Amber Murray
sorry. long. ok, i went for a smoke
and ordered things and this extra bit of information makes me less
upset. although more confused. a few days ago you were all like "fuck
illuminous, we're hitching.". so i planned around that. now apparently
your mom planned your trip for you, and it means busing with illuminous.
these are details that are not even my business, really. i'll state the
obvious: it's your choice. if you want to bus with illuminous, bus with
illuminous. if you want to hitch with me, hitch with me. i guess i'll
clarify that by acknowledging that illuminous is interested in you in a
way that i'm not. and i guess a lot of your decision is going to rest on
how you feel about that. ...but now that i know you're going with
illuminous, i feel less tossed aside. hitching in threes isn't possible.
i kind of assumed you told him you were going without him, because
that's the impression i got from previous conversations. maybe i should
apologize for jumping to that conclusion. regardless, i don't think i
want to live with illuminous at all. "as long as you're quiet so i can
get up to go to work" is like NO. he's always talking about how he can't
find good roommates. i don't want to deal with that. so, it's sort of
like if you're going with illuminous then i'm getting my own place. and
i'm going for my own reasons. yes, you sparked something in my mind, but
it's all on my own goals and interests here: a cheap place to record,
an opportunity to organize the unemployed, a way to exist around the
labour-capital relationship. things are better with a friend or two than
alone, but it's sort of secondary.
ESA
Yes.
I agree with all these things. I wasn't really sure what to do before. I
hadn't told illuminous that I was bussing until last night. and he
asked me if he could come. I was kind of sick of waiting around to
figure things out. And I guess I didn't want illuminous to feel
excluded. I thought you didn't mind/ wanted to go on your own. I sort of
felt like an un-experienced hitch - hiker tag along. And I also don't
want to live with illuminous for that reason, along with others. And he
didn't have priority over you, because he is apparently interested in
me.
And he had to ASK me if he could come with me to Windsor, and I was like "WTF illuminous DO WHAT U WANT. AHH"
because
I'm independent too. I dunno, I'm generally horrible at knowing what to
do. I always seem to do the wrong thing, or don't think things through
entirely. :(
Jessica Amber Murray
*shrug*.
at this point, i don't feel thrown under the bus anymore, so don't let
my feelings sway how you decide to get there. i'm sorry for
overreacting.
ESA
DITTO.
So many things to figure out!
Jessica Amber Murray
well, it seems like you had a reasonable plan before i shat all over it.
ESA
uhm
wut? you didn't shit all over it. the plan was to go on Monday to scout
out apartments. The how, or when or whateva was not quite determined. I
need to get my mom to stop meddling. She keeps over-compensating for
her lack of involvement in earlier years, but now its a bit controlling.
Like I'm too much of an idiot to make my own plans.
I
was like "mom didn't I ever tell you about how I can't die? No matter
what you do or don't do, I'll be fine. Don't worryaboutit"
Also I appreciate how you take initiative with shit.
Jessica Amber Murray
are you trying to tell me you're a vampire?
ESA
That sounds kind of
No, I'm not a vampire.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, cause vampires are already dead.
ESA
I'm just immortal.
Plain old immortal
Jessica Amber Murray
i used to think that, too.
i feel i'm meddling, too. just let me know what you're doing. i'll wait until monday.
ESA
and then what happened?!?!?!?!?!
You're the vampire!
YOU DIED?
??!?!?!!?
Jessica Amber Murray
i had a few experiences that allowed me to recognize my mortality.
ESA
What? Like death?
Jessica Amber Murray
near
death. which could be interpreted either way. like, didn't die, right.
this gets trippy, and is better discussed in person, over drinks.
ESA
oh jeez.
oh btw
Jessica Amber Murray
i've
been through intense schizophrenic episodes where i've been convinced i
was the next coming of jesus, where it seems real beyond more than a
thought. i've had a jesus complex since i was a kid. my first handful of
demoes were released under the name 'inri'. so, yeah. just thought you
should know that. might come back, especially if i'm organizing the poor
in windsor.
btw what?
ESA
You need to tell me more.
Because I think I had the same thing. Was convinced I was possessed by the devil
Jessica Amber Murray
more about?
ESA
but later.
anyways Mr. Playah is totes all over my fine pussay
He waited the appropriate 3 days. and then sent me a FB message almost on cue.
I STILL GOTZ IT.
Ok this conversation is disgusting. I apologize. This is the third apology.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'm just schizophrenic.
ESA
You could be bi-polar. that is extremely common with bi-polar patients
the jesus complex stuff and the possessed by the devil stuff.
Jessica Amber Murray
naw, don't feel bad, i feel perfectly comfortable talking about this if you do.
whichever
it is, it's not dangerous, but it can definitely be offsetting for
people. i guess if you have something similar, it won't be so strange
for you.
ESA
As long as you can handle night terrors. if you ever see me sleep
which you probably will next week.
Jessica Amber Murray
we'll find out.
ESA
Thursday I woke up
barfed a bit. Hung out on my bed. and my living room was littered with 9 condoms.
bahhhhh ok sorry again. LOL it was too funny.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah,
i think i'm glad i got out before that happened. i don't remember the
night clearly, but i do remember that when i came to (i was half passed
out on your couch) playa was a little sorry to see me leave. and i would
not have responded well to an orgy erupting... btw, if we do end up
living together, orgies are not something that are going to bug me so
long as i can quietly disappear and not be harangued about it.
ESA
playa was sorry to see you leave ?
Because he didn't want to be alone with lenin and I
He was so incredibly weird to lenin
He thought lenin had some sort of weird ownership over me.
and then we mused about a threesome, but that as usual failed.
Jessica Amber Murray
well,
i distinctly remember an "aww...don't leave". i don't know how long we
were talking for out there when you were in the other room with lenin.
ESA
LOL
That was pretty awful. But I always need lenin times.
we talked about a threesome for a long while.
Had them almost convinced.
playa was more down than lenin. But only because lenin was tired
lenin is always tired at 4 in the morning. Asshole.
Jessica Amber Murray
do you think you could have got 'em on to each other?
ESA
YES
actually no.
I think lenin is like 99.9999 % straight
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, lenin strikes me as remarkably straight, too. you're not going to sleep are, you. i'm going to hop in the shower...
ESA
Nope I am like super giggly and wide awake.
Jessica Amber Murray
you
know, i was thinking of maybe going to the lookout tonight and was
going to ask to borrow some shoes. all my nice shoes are in storage. i
wasn't planning on being here for two years.
ESA
what size are your feet
Jessica Amber Murray
absurdly small. i'm not sure exactly.
ESA
oh shit. my feet are definitely absurdly large
Jessica Amber Murray
damn.
it's weird, though. i'm so like anti-sex and everything. but i've been
wearing these little shorts all week and have been noticing guy after
guy get worked up over it. i guess i've never really experience that
before. this is sort of my first summer more or less post-transition
(it'll be three years in september), and the first time i've really been
comfortable showing a little skin. and noticing that all these guys are
getting worked up is sort of working me up
ESA
LOL AMAZING
Jessica Amber Murray
i can't go in sneakers, though.
ok shower.
ESA
are we hanging out?
or are you going to the lookout ?
Jessica Amber Murray
that was a very long shower, just got out. didn't even shave. not going to the lookout, interested in hanging out.
ESA
theres some sort of gathering happening at the Art & Soul Gallery
and they always give me free beer
plus i need to pick up CDs
Jessica Amber Murray
where's the gallery?
ESA
Parkale and Wellington
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. well, i have some rockstars. i have some readying to do still, could be done in about 20 minutes...
ESA
shit ok
hmmm
they said they're leaving at 11.
I'd better go now.
I only want to hang out until midnight at the latest.
because i have another big performance day.
Jessica Amber Murray
k, you just go then, i'll see you later.
ESA
k i'll be like 10 minutes.
i don't want to hang out with racist hipies.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. txt me when you get back.
geez, i wonder if it's sarah's birthday party :o
