it's funny how you focus the least when you want to focus the most.

i underestimated the effects of stress. i'm useless under pressure.

it's not even a question of error, and it's not a conscious choice, but i seem to instinctively reject any kind of purpose.

if i have absolutely no pressure to create, i'm very productive. but, when i got deadlines - any kind of structure at all, really - i start procrastinating.

the more i'm pushed to better myself, the less i care.

strange? i don't think so. i think it's a coping mechanism and that it's probably common. it only seems strange if you begin with the error that we are rational and logical creatures.

but what it means is that i'm in a very bad spot. the stress isn't going to stop soon, and if i end up committing suicide it may be with less done due to the stress the process caused...

all they're succeeding in with this approach is making me less productive :(

i'm going to try and relax and get some mental composing done tonight, but i have another stressful day tomorrow....