so, i'm thinking i should apply for some kind of artist's grant. i just want to go down to odsp first and determine if i'm allowed to do that or not. it could conceivably provide me with another year or two, if the odsp gets cancelled. and, if i'm able to make enough progress, i could conceivably see myself putting the music aside within a year or two and focusing solely on writing and organizing. i've been preparing myself for this for some time now. the goal is to finish all the things i've left unfinished, and then make a decision about whether i want to carry on or not after that. i mean....yes, it's what i'd rather be doing. at the same time, i need to face reality that i'm not going to be able to find ways to allow myself to do this forever.

i've mentioned before that this is part of the reason i moved down here, to the center of canada's collapsing industrial base. it's a matter of time before the area has some serious homeless issues, brought on by mass joblessness. if i'm going to be organizing, i want to be organizing within this "lumpenproletariat", rather than within organized labour, who i've come to see as an obstacle in revolutionizing distribution to a more communistic approach. i really do not believe that organized labour has any revolutionary potential beyond increasing their own salaries, and i'm rather convinced that the corporate state has effectively derived ways to co-opt workers and keep them in line. i'm following the early anarchist thinkers in declaring organized labour a dead-end.

the only reason i need an odsp check instead of a welfare check is to house that studio. if i were to give up on this, i could see myself being relatively content bouncing around libraries with a laptop, sleeping in squats and spending all my time reading while i'm waiting for the shit to hit the fan. but, i know better than to plan beyond the immediate future, because that shit just never works out.

so, for now, i just need to focus on ways to pay the rent for another year or two. if odsp doesn't think i'm qualified, maybe the council for the arts might. and i'll go from there....