my basic position is that i don't care what the consequences are for them.

i care what the consequences are for me.

i think this is what i'm going to do:

i'm going to go to a clinic tomorrow and ask to get tested for everything they can test me for. then, i'll take the results to the landlord & the cops and ask them to move on it from there.

because, i don't know.

but, i'm starting to change my mind: i need to know.

it'll be clear and concise: my neighbours are smoking something, i think it's meth, it's making me very sick, and i need medical attention.

should i go to a hospital for detox?

i might...

if i become convinced it's meth, i have no problem sending the cops in over it.

might they even be able to tell me if it is via blood test?

i'm not there yet, but i'm close.

the symptoms need to be gone by the time the sun comes up.

i'm leaning towards it being meth.

this is a good summary of how i'm feeling.

http://www.methamphetamineaddiction.com/the-five-most-common-meth-withdrawal-signs-and-symptoms/

ok, everything else aside, july of 2015 was actually a heavy posting month so let's hope i can pick things up in august.

the plumber fixed the shower but left a hole in the wall for smoke to seep in through, so i've moved into the living room until it gets plastered over. of course, the retards below me followed me in here - because they seem to be trying to get under my skin. you have to just ignore immature people, like that, and maybe hope somebody decides not to break for them, the next time they cross the street. they're obviously feeding off of my discomfort, due to there clearly being something wrong with them.

all of the windows are open and they will probably not close again until december. but, it's warmer in the other room, so it would be rational for them to stay on the other side of the building. hopefully, they take the bait.

i feel like i'm being harassed, but there's no use in letting whatever they're drugging me with get me upset about it.

all i can do is try and get as much oxygen in here, to fight the constant tension headaches being caused by whatever kind of hard drugs it is that they're doing, and i still have no idea if this is a meth addict or a crackhead, down there - because i've never been in direct contact with either substance.

i just feel tired, yet can't sleep. it's constant headaches, and constant stomach aches. i'm getting tracers, but it's not different from what i was getting with the migraines, and think they're being triggered by the headaches rather than by the drugs. so, you tell me: is that meth or crack? i don't know, and don't really care, i just want to air the place out.

there is no possibility that i'm going to ever enjoy whatever the fuck this is.

so, as has been the case the last few nights, i'm going to try and get some work done, with little confidence in my ability to do so. i will probably spend most of the night trying and failing to sleep.

i'm not normally somebody that has difficulty focusing. when i sit down to do something, i normally have a really laser-sharp focus; i'll spend days or weeks lost in a task, to the expense of things around me, and not really care.

so, this is something i'm not sure i've experienced before. i have no memories of this, at the least.

i almost feel like i'm not the same person, or something.

the emotions i'm feeling are a combination of anger and frustration. it's making me want to lash out at something or somebody. it's beyond uncharacteristic. it's almost got me wondering if somebody's put something in my water, or something, as this is what i'd imagine that somebody on anti-depressants is likely to feel like.

but, i know it's the smoke and i know i just have to wait it out.

i do not think i suffer from depression. i have never been seriously diagnosed with depression. i do not think i have a chemical imbalance. and, if somebody is drugging me against my will, that person or entity should face severe penalties and consequences: because this is beyond unpleasant, and in no way medically jusrified.

i'm literally feeling an urge to beat something into a pulp. i'm somebody that has been on testosterone suppressors for almost ten years; that does not make sense. and, i've never experienced that before.

it's not pot. i don't know what it is; i've never done anti-depressents. i've never done cocaine. i've never done meth. i've never smoked crack. i don't know what they taste or smell like, or what they feel like.

but, i know that this is the worst i've ever felt in my life.

i've got almost nothing done in days because of this....

i'm not going to be able to handle much more than a few more days like this without freaking out.

so, the shower had better be fixed, soon, so i can start taping these holes up.

there's going to be a violent confrontation if i can't keep the smoke out.

meth is not something you fuck around with.

an accidental overdose could lead to mass organ failure and instant death.

with the exception of heroin (& derivatives), it is singularly dangerous amongst "recreational" drugs.

i would literally go down there, knock their down and beat the shit out of them on the spot. i'd then blame it on the second-hand smoke wafting up, and intend to win the argument.

are they smoking meth down there, or what?

fuck...this is simply hellish...

also, they finally updated my electricity balance.

it's at -39.50.

that's right: enwin is crediting my account by $40 for february.

well, use less electricity, then.

i don't feel stoned.

i feel really, really, really hungover.

i got a few hours of sleep this afternoon, but i woke up disoriented, and i still feel like i had a lobotomy. my brain just feels gone. i'm not really here, and i don't like it at all. i'm taking aspirin every 5 or 6 hours and it helps with the headache, but not with the disorientation. i've also consumed something like two pots of coffee over the last 48 hours, and it's only barely helping me fight this crappy woozy feeling.

the plumber replaced the broken cartridge this morning, but he had to rebuild the system to do it, and now there's apparently a leak in the pipe behind the shower head, so he's going to have to come back tomorrow to tear the wall down.

i'm actually looking forward to this, because it should give me a better opportunity to patch the holes in the wall, in the long run.

i might not stay awake very long. but, i'm going to try to work through july tonight. and, then i'm going to need to pull everything out of the bedroom so he can work with the plaster in the morning. and, like i say - i'm ok with this, because it will give me a chance to tape the walls down.

the temperature outside has fallen, but i don't really care. i'm going to need the windows open until i can find a way to stop the smoke from seeping in.

if you're curious, the stress i was under did lead to a nicotine relapse over parts of december and much of january. but, i turned it around at the beginning of february, and it's now been about three weeks since i had a cigarette. i'm comfortable in stating i'm back on top of this.

the last couple of days have been pretty brutal.

i've been unable to sleep for something like a week. an hour or two here and there. i've spent most of the last 15+ hours trying to sleep with no success...

this has left me with a headache and a stomach ache, both of which are being compounded by a large amount of second hand smoke coming up through a hole in the floor, which is going to need to stay open until i can get the plumbing fixed, and it is unclear when that will happen.

i feel like death.

in the mean time, i've been forced to leave every window open in the apartment, and i have no intention of closing them until i can fix the hole in the floor that's exacerbating the headache.

back at the old apartment, i pointed out repeatedly that there was no solution in moving to a different apartment, as i'd just recreate the same problems. up until last week or so, this place legitimately seemed  a lot better, but there appears to be a lot of marijuana coming up from the floors all of a sudden. i think i can fix this by taping over it. but, i have to wait until the plumbing is fixed.

i don't expect to be able to do much of anything useful until this problem is resolved, and it's unclear how long this is going to take.

but, as was the case before, there is no solution in changing apartments- as i've just demonstrated.

i really wish there was a law against smoking inside of apartment buildings...

as it is, i have no recourse but to slowly seal off all of the cracks, until they're all gone.

on being beautiful, once

perhaps what this intends to illustrate is the connection between religious fundamentalism, mental illness and irrational behaviour?

i don't understand how you can relate with the male character here, at all. this is is just insane behaviour, all around. and, this man needs to speak with a mental health professional.

you seem to be mostly coming from jewish or christian backgrounds. but, this story is more important in the muslim tradition, where it informs one of the eid festivals. the narrative in the muslim tradition is a little different as well: in the muslim tradition, this is meant to celebrate abraham's faith - which, in context, presents the idea that he might actually do it as the most supreme act of righteousness possible. abraham is presented as a hero, here, and his faith as something to emulate.

i've never been able to interpret this as anything more or less than simple crazy talk. and, the only lesson i get from the story or ever did get from it when i read it as a child is about the dangers of faith, and how it can lead to poor decision making.

when i first heard the song, it reminded me of trump's campaign slogan: make america great again. but, i remember thinking that the irony wasn't cognizant in his mind. he didn't realize he was making the exact same error, or that that kind of thinking would have the exact same outcome. this is common in people of faith, that can't see through this two-way mirror, and often don't realize it's there.

after watching the video, i'm not so sure anymore. because, this can be seen as an indictment as easily as it can be seen as anything else. and, i guess that kind of ambiguity is what defines a lot of art as what it is.

the dso is doing la mer (+ more) this morning, but i'm just not feeling up to leaving the house in the rain.

the neighbour on the one side is smoking skunk weed like incense. it's not every day, but it's annoying when it happens. if it was just an odour issue, i'd spray something back, but the effects of second hand marijuana smoke are not enjoyable: headache and tiredness, without any hint of inebriation.

i will be agitating to have the laws changed so that you're only allowed to smoke outside. this is two nights in a row where i feel like shit in the morning, and am crashing early because of it. and, it's no doubt the ultimate reason why i'd rather go to sleep than go to the symphony.

but, this is one of the most important pieces of music in the history of western civilization. i hope they do it justice...

marijuana is fun once in a while. but, i've never been and will never be a daily smoker. i would rather be sober. and, it's really a crime to take that choice of sobriety away from people by smoking inside.

just go outside with it, people.