yeah.

i've decided to finally get rid of my testicles. if i can. this is not the sex change operation, which i simply don't want to do out of sequence. it would be done by now if i could find a way to fund electrolysis, but that will likely remain impossible for the foreseeable future. i just think it's crazy to try and get a full sex change while i'm still growing chin hair. and, there's a bureaucracy in canada that is actually unnecessarily restrictive - the process takes forever and rejects a lot of candidates. i wouldn't expect to be approved pre-electrolysis. but, i can't fund the electrolysis until i'm post-op. catch-22. the rational procedure is to go on hormones for a while, get the hair removal done and then get the testicles removed with the sex change. i'm just stuck at the hormone stage for financial reasons.

but, i'm getting restless. i see no conceivable way to fund the hair removal. and, i've just been on pause, waiting, for too long. i need a way forward.

the thing is that i may be able to get the testicle removal done under ohip. i don't know yet. it's ambiguous. but, if it's conceivable, i should do it. it's a next step that could be very positive.

why now?

what i'm noticing over the last four or five days (it's been building for the last few months....) is that i'm in need of a boost in dosage for the anti-androgens. this is after i just boosted my estrogen a few months ago. i'm getting to the point where dosage boosts may begin to get dangerous. and then what?

i think i should acknowledge that i have a choice: i can boost the anti-androgens (and keep up this arms war with my body), or i can just get my testicles taken out.

if i can do the latter, i should notice a lot of positive benefits:

1) i can go off the anti-androgens altogether.
2) reduced hair growth.
3) because the estrogen i take orally will no longer be fighting with the testosterone i produce naturally, it should be more effective.

i probably should have done this years ago. but, i figured i would eventually find a way to fund hair removal and do this in the usual order. and, the testosterone suppressors were working. they're starting to fade, and i don't want to just keep boosting dosages, so i need to take a different approach.

i'm going to have to talk to some doctors.

my argument is going to be that it's a path of least harm. and, i'll have to hope that they can find a way to get it covered.

fwiw, i have no interest in kids. that has little to do with gender identity - i made that choice when i was about 12. somebody talked me into freezing sperm once, but i don't even know if it's still in the freezer. or even care.

actually, it was that doctor in ottawa that got shut down for handing out the wrong sperm. so, i may have kids out there after all.

but, i'm just not remotely interested in spending any time at all with anybody under the age of 15 for any reason. sorry.

again, i'm sorry, but i'm not trying to present a false image to sell t-shirts; i'm trying to document my life as a composer for the historical record. i had a messy week. the vlogs will reflect that. if that upsets you, too bad.

but you might want to get ready for it.

real life gets messy sometimes. and, i'm trying to keep it as real as i can.

but, i also need to be clear that there is only one character here, and it's me. i'll admit that this makes things a lot easier in terms of the dynamics of the thing. but, it actually also necessitates that i open up, because that's the entire point.

when your vlog is essentially a video-based journal, it doesn't make sense to be fake. it's real or it just doesn't exist.

maybe think of it like this: most vlogs are g rated sitcoms meant to run in the after school time slot. i'm aiming more for a late night cable drama, with an older and more mature audience.

i don't really know of any parallels.

let's get some context, so i'm not confusing anybody.

i didn't die my hair red in some kind of act of protest against something. i died it red because i think i look sexy with red hair. so, let's post a few links of fiery red heads, for context.

i mean, if you saw me face to face, you'd see that. it's an issue of trying to communicate over the internet...

and, remember: i'm from the 90s.

the first awesome redhead that jumps to mind is tori amos. she rocks the red well: smart, sexy and ridiculously talented. but, also simultaneously violent and delicate. very put together, but also kind of broken. arguably the perfect representation of red headedness.

http://www.nndb.com/people/756/000025681/tori-amos.jpg

then, there is of course gillian anderson who is and will forever be dana scully. so, let's talk more about scully. again: smart. sexy. a very rational woman - she projects a lot of strength. but, she has her insecurities, too. perfect redhead.

i was a huge garbage fan in the 90s, and it's the same basic formula. the intelligence here always came out more as dry wit. she found a way to balance raw power with oozing femininity that was rare before and after her.

it's true, though: we hit a peak in the 90s. we've been slowly regressing since about 1998.

the funny thing is that i actually think that millennials would want to reverse the decline if they were aware of it. but, they actually seem to be - almost universally - convinced by the theory of progress. it's just bedrock, to them. they've been told their whole lives that things are getting better, and believe it as an article of faith, while being unable to see (and how could they? they have no context) that things are actually getting worse.

i have a math degree. i started off in physics. it might seem a little weird for me to cite the scully effect, and the way i experienced it is no doubt different than others, but her influence on me was not trivial.

http://www.yesmagazine.org/happiness/less-big-bang-theory-more-dana-scully

j reacts to the ideological equivalence between mainstream and counter culture

when i say i reject the culture, that also means i reject the counter-culture, which is also the culture. i get this accusation from time to time that, because i don't reflect counter-cultural values, i must be some kind of faker that is really completely mainstream. what this does is set up a false binary between sanctioned culture and counter-culture, which is actually really just a choice between the culture and the culture. and, in fact, you're so brainwashed that you can't even fathom an alternative...

i actually really don't think that your "cool" emo/metal/hardcore/whatever band is any less stupid than anything you get from mass media. in a lot of cases, i think it's even more stupid. it's all designed for profit at the expense of expression or protest.

somebody that is really outside the culture will not create these kinds of distinctions, but rather reject them as illusory. what is the difference between taylor swift and evanescence? it's marketing. that's it, really. it's fundamentally the same product.

i'm less interested in what is mainstream or counter-cultural or rebellious or whatever else, and more interested in what is real and what isn't. unfortunately, for you, i may happen to be the one to burst your bubble and point out that the things you think are real are actually not.

it's funny the things we might say when we don't really think that anybody is listening.

why do i always fall for poets?

it's not a detraction.

but, it's weird to realize you really do have a type.

i just want to be clear that my primary intoxicant the other night was alcohol. marijuana does not produce blackouts and could not have done that to me no matter how much i smoked.

i had two rockstar vodkas, 6 shots of jager and 3 bottles of beer. i also had a few puffs. no more than that.

but, it wasn't even the booze that knocked me out. i can drink that on an average night. i've done that countless times and avoided the blackout. what knocked me out was that i didn't really sleep the night before.

i go over this in the vlog, but the important thing is not to avoid alcohol but to make sure that if you are going to get drunk then you don't drink heavily on an empty stomach and don't drink heavily on little sleep.

it will build up as the vlogs from the last week publish, but when i say i had almost no sleep it's no exaggeration. well, you can see it from the last few weeks. i simply haven't been sleeping well for the last few weeks. and, in fact i've only actually slept a few hours since i got home.

again: drinking is fun. sometimes. but, drinking on no sleep is dangerous.

that was a bit of a crazy week. i think i needed it as i was getting very unproductive. this week is likely to be a lot of bureaucracy. i should be more productive in a few days.

09/10/11-09-2016: i swear this has never happened to me before. (woke up in a stranger's car...)

review:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2016/09/09.html

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1

i don't care about family entertainment. fuck your family...

i mean, you want to slap an 18+ on this? go ahead. i've actually already slapped a 30+ on it...

i think there's enough options for kids, guys. if you want to shelter them, i'm frankly in solidarity with them. you don't have the right.

there's just no pretense. and no reason there should be one.

i stopped by the emergency room this morning. there simply aren't any clinics open within walking distance of where i am. why? because it's sunday.

in 2016. no clinics open. because sunday. fuck. did i wake up in an amish country or what? wtf? weirder: most of the doctors around here are actually muslims. or come from muslim places. if your day of rest is saturday, why are you booking sunday off? isn't that supposed to be one of the benefits of being diverse about superstitions? that you can get them to stagger, so somebody is always open?

as an aside, the statement:

"i couldn't go to work today, because the bible said so."

...is just about the last thing i want to hear from a doctor.

i know. what is this the fucking spanish inquisition? well, that's my point! i hear that from a doctor and the next thing i want is a waiver indicating that i do not consent to bloodletting.

fuck...

so, i went to the emergency room instead. and, i feel i'm bloody well entitled to do it, too. i at least made sure to go at what is probably the deadest time of the day: 7:00 am on sunday morning. when the drunks are cleared out and everybody else is still asleep.

i bet you think i had a terrible wait time, right? that i was there for hours and hours and didn't even get to see the...

no. actually, i basically walked right in. i was in the hospital for less than an hour.

diagnosis: it's a bruise, not a clot. that's relieving.

see, i need you to think about this. i take the amount of estrogen in a single day that women on steady birth control will take in 2 months. 6 mg is 60x the dosage in your average birth control pill. and, they say merely taking birth control is a clot risk.

so, this is something i need to be keenly aware of at all times. and, it is the actual reason i quit smoking. note that i was smoking at the bar. hence, my concern was very well placed.

but, no. it's just a series of bruises. some of them make more sense than others.

i'm going to wait until i get the mri results before i get a test, because i could end up testing for lyme disease at the same time.

this may have something to do with being sopping wet when i came to.

it might be why i got in the car.

just a guess.

am i rationalizing?

the bruise on my ass is a scary size, now. if that was from fucking, it wasn't consensual. i'm going to the clinic in the morning to get a blood test, and check for clots.

i've never really contemplated whether rape kits can be used for possible anal penetration on a genetic male.

i wouldn't necessarily press charges. that's not exactly what i'm getting at. i know what the law says, and i support it as it is - it shouldn't be legal to have sex with a blacked out person. but, i also know how i get when i'm drunk....

the reality is that there's every reason for me to conclude i was probably all over him. i don't mean in the sense that i went across the bar to get him. i mean in the sense that...

...if somebody was in the room, they may very well have thought i was the one raping him.

i know that i'm like that. when i say i got fucked hard, that doesn't necessarily mean i was on the bottom.

i'm a girl. i fuck like a girl.

so, i mean...i can't know. i don't remember. i just don't. but, the doubt is pretty reasonable in my own mind given the evidence. i wouldn't want to jump to that conclusion.

but the bruise is out of control, too. i dunno....like i say, i never really thought about it.

i don't know how i could get the proper evidence to know whether i should pursue it or not. and, to me, erring on the side of caution means upholding the presumption of innocence.

if my 'rave kids like hanging out in green spaces' quip doesn't make sense to you, let me remind you that i'm from the 90s. 90s rave culture does still exist, you just need to look past the candy girls and bottle services and try and find smaller venues with more real people in them. cover last night was $10.

and, no, it's not the 90s. nobody had giant pants on. but, you get the point.

i should also clarify that i'm too young for 90s rave culture. my prime dancing years were in the intellectual dearth of the late 90s early 00s, and i lived in a town that simply didn't have the kind of scene i would actually be able to associate with from a distance.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/rave-kids-in-the-90s-vs-rave-kids-today

my pants and shoes from last night are both demoed, like they've been over used heavily by some skate kids. for the shoes, it's the kind of thing that shoe goo fixes, although the pants are eaten right away at the cuffs. the pants were previously a little ripped, but it was nothing like that. i must have been running through a field or something. they look like they were for real cut up...

i'm not a fan of ripped jeans as a fashion statement. it's bourgeois.

i must have been with at least one other person, otherwise i would have vlogged. i refuse to vlog when i'm near people. but, as soon as i get walking..

see, if i had left the bar alone, i would have recorded it. even if i was too drunk to remember it, i would have recorded it. eventually. there's no exception to this, basically. it's routine. therefore, i left the bar with somebody.

i regained consciousness around 5:30ish. i have every reason to think i was probably at the bar until close to 4:00 - and i wouldn't have vlogged this, i would have just danced. i got my last shots in around 1:30, on closer inspection. the rain didn't get heavy until nearly 5:00, and i could not have gotten that wet otherwise, so i couldn't have been in the car long, either.

so, the idea that he picked me up makes sense: i was clearly out in the rain right before i woke back up. that means i was near gratiot & chene, no doubt wanting to walk home, some time a little after 5:00 am.

i probably got in the car to escape the rain. not smart, but i was blacked out, and it is at least rational. i can't imagine getting picked up on the street, otherwise - unless i thought i could hitchhike.

yes, i think he thought i was streetwalking.

the part of the night that needs to be reconstructed, then, is going to be from about 3:45-5:15. i left the bar with somebody. i must have taken a car from michigan to gratiot as i couldn't have walked that distance that quickly. then, what?

it seems that two things happened in some unknown order or connection.

1) i seem to have ended up in a park or a field or something. this is actually not particularly bizarre. we used to do campfires in wooded urban spaces during occupy. i've randomly followed hippie kids into the woods to do drugs. i've been to pagan dance parties. sometimes, people just have particularly overgrown backyards. somebody probably offered to smoke me, and i ended up with a group of people in an overgrown space.  raver kids are just like that. it's just the only way that the shoes get like that - they were sitting in wet grass for at least an hour.

2) it remains obvious that i had sex with somebody, at some point.

i was just checking to see where the beaches even are around detroit, and something is coming back to me: the guy in the car said i was "up near chene park." i don't see any beaches right there. there are some on belle isle...

it's beach sand. or at least sandbox sand :o.

you know....the light, grainy stuff. you don't get that from a field or something.

i can't confirm the beach. it may have been a park.

when, after trying all day to shit, you finally get it out and your shit smells like condom lubrication. that's when you know you got fucked hard last night. i know i looked good, but i didn't realize i looked that good. he really smashed me. i really don't remember, but i suspect he will for a while :).

and, that answers that question. i still need to get a blood test. but, that's the actually concerning part about the situation.

maybe i should keep the hair colour?

 :P

so, i'm pretty sure that what happened last night is that i had sex on a beach, due to the amount of sand i brought home with me and the enlarged size of my asshole. and i'm pretty sure it was consensual because my clothes are otherwise not ripped. but i don't have any memory of this at all. and i don't know why i woke up in a stranger's car rather than with the person i had sex with (i don't think they were the same person...)

i mean, i'd kind of like to know who i spent the night with. if they'd like to let me know. maybe see them again, in a state i can remember?

this is a still shot from last night, before i left.

i'm not the type to fuck strangers at all, let alone fuck them and run. the only thing i can seriously think of is that he was leaving immediately in the other direction...

the reason i don't think it was the guy in the car is that he was legitimately surprised by my penis. he could not have just fucked me.

but, i mean....

i'mma stay for breakfast. what you makin'? you know?

the situation is uncharacteristic. all around.

but, there is no question that i was penetrated last night. and rather vigorously, at that.

season 10 v2

i'm not joking. this is what i sobered up to.....

"i got a rubber. i can't believe you got a penis. but i still want to.."

"why am i in your car?"

"you was walking up gratiot..."

"i was on michigan last night."

"you was on gratiot."

"can you get me to the tunnel?"

"i still want to."

"listen, i don't remember getting in your car. i would normally never do that. you have to understand this."

"no, i get it. but i can't believe i still want to, even though i know you got a cock."

"how far are we?"

"it's right there...."