untitled (intended original mix)

ok.

i've decided to keep the intro guitar part out of the 2002 mix, because i'm going to soundscape the fuck out of it in ways that i couldn't have really done at the time and it just doesn't sound good in raw form.

so, this mix is done. the rss will update. i'm back at the three vst mixes for tomorrow.

when this comes up, crank the bass on it....

carefully. it's potentially speaker-blowing. but it's made to rock the low end hard.

that was the hard part, this should be quick from this point.

this compiles all the 2002 files into a mix that is as close as i can get it to sounding as i initially imagined it back in 2002. mix completed jan 27, 2015.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/untitled-intended-original-mix

nailed it...

give me a cigar.

except those intro guitars. but that's a writing choice; the mix is done. not sure what to do with those, yet. that's the next task, but it has to be done before this gets upped.

*deep breath*

this'd better not be busted....

well, i got around this by finding a deleted version and carefully reconstructing it. it's back to where it should be, which tells me there was something wrong with the cubase file. i'm still having a hard time understanding what's going on without resorting to interception, but i do think that cubase can get a little bit weird when you back files up to an alternate drive and that it's a way out of thinking it's the government spying on me. the thing is i'm not convinced.

but something was corrupted, and it's been fixed by going to an earlier version before it got fucked. this basically means i have to finish it before it gets fucked up again. so expect the mix relatively soon. i was really at the point where i just had to mix some synths in before it started sounding like crap - it was basically done. the only other thing is that guitar part which i wanted to cut into a hundred pieces but may have to find some other approach to...

it's very hard for me to explain the following.

1) no latency issues.
2) sleep.
3) latency issues.
4) find old file.
5) modify old file so it's identical to newest file.
6) no latency issues.

how can latency issues depend on the file? that's nonsense...

and they appeared out of nowhere.

as mentioned, there's a pattern here. stuff disappearing. settings modifying. etc.

but i've got a window here, i need to use it...

so, who is the fucker at the mixing desk?

i've let on a few times that i'm conceiving of him as the comic book guy, chowing down doritos that are falling out of his mouth and on to the board and muttering "no, no, this is all wrong - she means to do it like *this*.", which promptly leads me to want to strangle him.

i'm getting the perception, recently, that the surveillance is a little more sophisticated, which is leading me to question my perceptions.

who is the fucker at the mixing desk? i don't know, but it's becoming unbearable and i consequently need to request - again - that this ceases. my time is being wasted, and i don't have a lot of it left...

i spent a good part of the last week on this, and got to the point about friday where i could get a rough mix out. over the last few days, i've been lethargic - partially depressed that the out doesn't sound the same, partially refraining from nicotine. today, i began to notice that the file is skipping very badly and narrowed it down to a latency issue.

now, here's the thing: there was not previously a latency issue. i did not add any effects or buses or anything at all. it's the same file. one does not go from no latency issues to latency issues for no reason.

the one thing that i did change was that i unplugged from the internet....

now, here's the thing that is consistent with the other evidence i've compiled that my audio is connected to an external server: the direct out rendered the way it should, even as the playback sounded muffled and was skipping. that itself is not unusual. but what it indicates is that the processor is picking up extra shit on playback. that it wasn't picking up before. what, exactly?

now, as mentioned, i'm unplugged from the internet. there's no wireless in this machine at all. that doesn't mean remote operation is impossible, but it means that:

(1) it would be slow and
(2) it would require some expertise.

i'm not going to pretend that i know how to do this, but if you check any electronic device manufactured in north america there's a little statement on the back that states "we can remote control this with radio". this applies to everything from your cell phone to your microwave. but it means i'm not talking about a fucker at a mixing desk, i'm talking about a fucker at csis, and the noise and clicking and screwed up mixes i'm getting is essentially a byproduct of being monitored.

the logic may be along the lines of "if she doesn't want to buy a phone, we'll monitor her mixer instead".

so, listen....

....you idiots....

...you can clearly hear that all you're picking up is the music. and, you're interfering in my music production rather dramatically, whether you mean to or not. i'm not attempting to cut you out because i'm trying to hide my riffs and beats from you. i'm trying to cut you out because you're fucking up the monitor on the mix by adding empty space, which is killing the definition and making everything sound compressed.

i tend to be transparent, because i realize it's a better idea for the intelligence agencies to understand what they're dealing with to prevent misunderstandings. for example, i think it's a good thing for them to know i don't own any weapons, because it will prevent any overreactions. so, the idea of being listened to is actually something i'm indifferent to. i recognize the potential for abuse and think it shouldn't happen, but it's not something that really seriously bothers me on a personal level.

but, this is interference, and that's something very different.

i'm not plugging back in until i'm confident that the radio hack has stopped. and, from that point forward, what i want is for the software used to be updated so that it doesn't interfere with the people being monitored. which is probably a good idea anyways.

again: i'm ignoring the stupidity of the fact that you're monitoring a composer with no income and no friends. i don't have the time or interest to drag this through court; that's a waste of my time. i'm just demanding that, if you're going to monitor me, you do it in a way that is non-invasive.

in the meantime, i'm going to have to mix from render. which means i'm going to have to render the track every time i touch the mix. this is extremely time consuming. but you leave me no choice until you fuck off...

the blunt reality is that there's nothing to monitor. i make music, i read, and i eat. i do this entirely by myself. there's no hidden network. i simply don't know anybody.

so, it's not that i'm hiding connections and you need to monitor me to find them. it's that i don't see any use in paying for a device i'll never use. and, that you're basically harassing somebody that is of no use to you.

so, stop.

let me mix....

i was able to fix it by swapping out the bus, which again only makes sense if it's corrupted somehow....

so, i'm hoping that the reset i just allowed will correct the problem. however, i'm not wasting time if it isn't corrected.

i'm getting this weird "fucker at the mixing desk" vibe again. it's completely disconnected, beyond any possible remote...yet, the sound is noticeably different...

i've decided i'm not fucking around with this. i'm not being careful about it. i'm not waiting for reversals. if i think the mix has been modified, i will drastically alter it. i may blow it up and start from scratch.

i feel i have to take a zero tolerance approach to get the message across: if you alter my mixes, it will cost you a lot of money. so stop.

i will ensure that the time i'm losing in mixing things is being lost, monetarily, by whomever is fucking with me. and, if it means i get nothing else done before i kill myself next month, then whoever is responsible for that will need to be judged by history for it....

that was a weird few days of heavy sleeping and nicotine withdrawal (again) interspersed with fatigue from dramatic temperature shifts (i don't understand it either, but it's consistent), but i'm alert now. i have a lot of cuts and edits to make but it won't be too too long...

uploading transitional untitled to the scratch pad

i've uploaded a temporary mix to the scratchpad that represents a properly mixed version of the track as it would have existed had i not run out of ram when mixing it back in 2002. i'm not putting this up at bandcamp because of it's transitional nature; the next mix will take this transition mix as a core and work in the other parts i recorded in 2002. there will be a final mix that adds in some extra synths, and maybe some new guitar parts...

as always with the scratchpad (accessible from the about section), ideas are welcome - even though i'll probably ignore them. this will only be up until i'm done the next mix, which will probably be this afternoon....

no. close though.

yeah, i'm plowing through this. soon.

i think this mix is done before the next sleep for sure.

ostrich

it's been a while since i uploaded anything totally new, so i'm going to jump ahead a little with this. it's not clear how i'll be presenting this, yet.

this is an abandoned mix from late 2002 (uploaded unmodified) and will be the track i'll be working on next.

as this is the last track of the jjjjjjjjjjj phase, i'm going to finish this as an epic. it's an exceedingly rough skeleton. i thought i had more of a score than i do, so i'm going to have to score it first. again: i thought this would be sort of quick, but it clearly needs a lot of work.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/abandoned-mix

so, i'm relatively confident i got the first half done, but i'm going to have to sleep on it....

i think i'm over the hump. thankfully.

yeah. i'm feeling myself moving out of the dead phase and into the manic phase. let's get this fucker done...

what i need to do is just sit down and put the thing on repeat and tweak it mildly until what i want comes out. i keep saying this won't take long, but i'm realizing this was a false projection. it's gonna be a while...

i feel i'm finally making some progress with this....

grargh.

i'm having difficulty focusing. with all the other stuff i'm always going on about, if you had a bit of an outline of my life you'd maybe question why i'm not wondering about add. i'm kind of textbook, actually. but it's never really been something i can't get over. and i'm not about to start popping crack-cocaine....

to answer the question directly? i don't accept the existence of add. i think it's just an excuse to sell drugs to kids. sorry.

so, what's really going on?

well, i've been through this before. repeatedly. it's generally driven by a feeling of ineptitude. meaning it's more like a type of depression that sets in when the tasks in front of me aren't easy to complete. i think this stems from not going through a lot of difficulty as a kid. i was a gifted kid. i didn't learn to struggle. i didn't learn to compete; there was nobody to compete with. i wasn't faced with something i couldn't do with minimal effort until i was in my 20s, and i simply didn't know how to approach the situation. i kind of go into these states of shock, instead, where i can't address what i'm supposed to be addressing.

when i know i can get what i want out of my tools, i tend to be very efficient. it's when i'm not sure how i'm going to proceed that i start to procrastinate. it's the same thing with all aspects of my life. if i know how i'm going to approach an essay, it's done relatively quickly. if i don't, it's not done until the last minute, or a week past the due date.

what it exposes isn't some kind of chemical imbalance that can be fixed with drugs. it's more like a reversed value system. i don't have this "protestant work ethic". and i don't glorify hard work. rather, i expect to be talented enough to do things without trying, and i get depressed when i realize i'm not.

i don't find forcing it helps. it has to pass. but what's pissing me off at this particular point in time is that the amount of time i have left is probably limited. i'll find out on the 17th. but it's very likely that i will take my own life sometime between april and july, as my disability runs out and i'm left without further acceptable options. i should be getting as much done as i can...

instead, i find myself wasting time on youtube.

my goal over this period was supposed to be to get a whole lot done. but i've wasted most of the last month, and am not really clear when this is going to lift.

if i'm not able to focus on this track within a day or two, i'm going to have to skip it and come back to it.

the first time i EVER received ANY grade less than 70 was in the second year of university.

there's been a lot written about why c students end up managing things, and a students end up as drone workers. a big part of it is no doubt due to reducing independent thought in management, which is a fundamental tactic of the class war. that is, the big bosses don't want the little bosses to be smart - they just want them to be obedient. but i think another part of it is that kids with lower grades are more resilient. they have to fight harder, younger. it becomes a more dominant component of their life.

somebody like me that walks into the eighth grade, gets thrown out for picking on the teacher and then gets an a anyways because i was at a twelfth grade level when i was 8 just spends that whole process in stasis, whereas somebody that's moving at the grade level in the way the system demands is constantly struggling and learning.

at the end of it, i spent high school tossing planes and smoking pot - and still got an a average because i could have passed an equivalency test in the 7th, before i set foot in the place. the kid that struggled through with a B- consequently learned a whole lot more than i did, both scholastically and non-scholastically. when the kid that struggled walks out of school, they're walking into a world they were prepared for. when i walked out of school, i was walking into a world i didn't understand at all.

i guess it took me ten years just to figure that out.

and, at the moment, i haven't the faintest clue how to address it.

all i know is that, when i'm faced with a challenge, i tend to get depressed and give up rather than become determined and try harder.

ok, i’m ok. back to work.

super sore right arm...

the first thing that jumps to mind is that i've been dealing with a lot of symptoms of ms lately, and it's more evidence. but i feel that's jumping to conclusions. it might be correct, but what else could it be?

sore arm = heart attack? it's on the right side, which doesn't *really* matter. but it feels like a muscle issue. i've had my blood pressure checked several times over the last few months, and it's actually very low. so, i'm going to write that off as obscure.

carpal tunnel syndrome? don't laugh. i do absurd amounts of typing, and noticed my left wrist was a little sore the other day. i think i'm going to want to monitor that. but it's a little too high up in the arm.

for right now, i'm actually going to merely assume that i pulled it a little doing groceries yesterday. i ended up with a bigger bag of fruit than i was expecting because the strawberries and bananas were both on sale. and i had a coffee in the other hand, along with a knapsack full of soy milk and oj, because it was also on sale. so, it was a big haul. i felt it as i was walking, but not when i got home; then again, you generally don't notice it until you wake up.

i do a lot of walking, but no muscle training, so i'm in very good health but weak as a twig. the solution is to fix my bicycle and start using it...

a sore arm probably won't slow me down tonight, but it might. we'll have to see if it prevents me from sitting up or if i'm going to have to spend the night in bed.

this bloody track....

i've been experimenting with it off and on for thirteen years and it just won't connect.

but it will. it must. dammit...

i'm considering deconstructing the drum collage, which is built up from about fifty samples and is going to be a lengthy process. having the bass drum and cymbal crashes in the same file just isn't mixing well, as i really want to equalize them separately.

but there's a few things i want to try before i do that, because it's going to lead to a drastic change in the track that i want to avoid. like, i want to remix it, not rewrite it. this is a track that has all the components i want, but that i could just never mix the way i wanted it.

another problem is that the source is not clean, and the effects are mostly rather dry. it was the first time working in a real daw, and i didn't have the necessary foresight....

so, i may have to redo some of the guitars, but it's going to be a last resort.

i very, very rarely feel as though i need outside production help. but with all the focus i spend on effects and mixing, it's worthwhile to point out that i'm an experimental guitarist, i'm not a producer. this is the rare moment where i might want to talk to a techno producer about some specific eq/compression choices...

in the end, though, experimenting is the only possible approach, regardless of knowledge or experience levels.

it will sound "right" soon enough. just gotta keep tweaking it

i mean, i have tools available to me now that i didn't have then. i have no excuse not to nail it. and i will nail it.