From: stepmother's email address
To: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
Well I am glad you are settled and able to do the things you enjoy!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Re: Hey.
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: the surviving uncle
now? the first few months here were up and down, but i'm currently actually probably more content than i've ever been. i'm not using this address much, though. i'm more responsive at death.to.koalas@gmail.com.
j
To: the surviving uncle
now? the first few months here were up and down, but i'm currently actually probably more content than i've ever been. i'm not using this address much, though. i'm more responsive at death.to.koalas@gmail.com.
j
Re: windsor
From: Jessica Murray [mailto:dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com]
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i wasn't checking this address at all after i moved in. i think i needed some space. so, i was sort of ignoring the channel of communication, but not anybody specifically. i'm using my other address (death.to.koalas@gmail.com) more frequently.
it's been sort of mixed over the last few months. the first little bit was difficult, but i had a lot of things to keep my mind focused on. i had to get the shower replaced, for example. the landlord did that.
he's pretty good, considering it's a divey place in windsor. he inherited a big chunk of money from his family's concrete business as well as responsibility over his slightly autistic brother and more autistic niece. they live upstairs. he's got three other units in the place rented out to cover costs, which basically means property taxes. so, i lucked out in finding a landlord that's not really interested in maximizing profit on the unit. one of the things we agreed upon is no rent increases, for example. that makes the living arrangement very stable, so long as i can continue to find a reasonable source of income. this is a huge two-bedroom basement apartment that is roughly similar in size and layout to the entire basement on arnot (knock the wall behind the tv down, put a kitchen in the back room and separate out the two bedrooms and it's virtually identical) for $650.
at the moment, i think i'm fairly content. i've been focusing a lot on music and reading - the things i really care about. i don't know anybody here, but i'm introverted enough that i'm not all that concerned about it.
regarding the city itself, it's sort of weird. i'm used to having everything located downtown and didn't think that there might be a city that's arranged the other way around. in windsor, everything is in the suburbs. so, if i want to get to a store to get anything that's not groceries, i need to take a bus ride. what used to be the main street through the italian district (i'm just north of little italy and just south of a mostly arabic district) is now mostly boarded up. you can really see the effects of the urban decay. the downtown core is mostly dilapidated buildings that are decades beyond the point of repair and would be torn down if the property they're on was worth anything and instead are a mix of dying businesses and low-rent apartments. there are little pockets of upkept buildings, but the reality is that the city would actually benefit massively from a huge fire.
i'm kind of more interested in the music scene in detroit than i am in windsor in any way. i haven't bothered getting a phone yet, which has made it impossible for me to get across the border. first i have to get a phone number (and i'll probably finally get a pay-as-you-go internet phone in the next few weeks), then i have to get a nexus card. i can't get a passport because i'd need a ridiculous 6 references. the nexus card is for "low risk travelers". but they won't just let you across for the day with a birth certificate like they used to, and like i sort of assumed they would. so i can't really say how much i like the city yet because i don't feel i've really experienced it. i made it out to a punk show in october, but windsor isn't the destination that most of the bands coming through here that i'm interested in are going to pick (although the casino here will sometimes outbid detroit for moderately large acts that don't want to enter downtown detroit).
regarding the safety of detroit? i don't know yet. i've read some things that suggest that there are areas to avoid but, overall, it's not any worse than any other major city - so long as you avoid those areas. i can't think i look like much of a target. and most of the destinations i have circled require going through the core on a bus. so i get the impression it'll probably be fine. i guess i'll find out, though.
i think i'm legitimately happy, here, though. the whole arrangement plays into my introversion and is maximizing my ability to be creative.
j
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i wasn't checking this address at all after i moved in. i think i needed some space. so, i was sort of ignoring the channel of communication, but not anybody specifically. i'm using my other address (death.to.koalas@gmail.com) more frequently.
it's been sort of mixed over the last few months. the first little bit was difficult, but i had a lot of things to keep my mind focused on. i had to get the shower replaced, for example. the landlord did that.
he's pretty good, considering it's a divey place in windsor. he inherited a big chunk of money from his family's concrete business as well as responsibility over his slightly autistic brother and more autistic niece. they live upstairs. he's got three other units in the place rented out to cover costs, which basically means property taxes. so, i lucked out in finding a landlord that's not really interested in maximizing profit on the unit. one of the things we agreed upon is no rent increases, for example. that makes the living arrangement very stable, so long as i can continue to find a reasonable source of income. this is a huge two-bedroom basement apartment that is roughly similar in size and layout to the entire basement on arnot (knock the wall behind the tv down, put a kitchen in the back room and separate out the two bedrooms and it's virtually identical) for $650.
at the moment, i think i'm fairly content. i've been focusing a lot on music and reading - the things i really care about. i don't know anybody here, but i'm introverted enough that i'm not all that concerned about it.
regarding the city itself, it's sort of weird. i'm used to having everything located downtown and didn't think that there might be a city that's arranged the other way around. in windsor, everything is in the suburbs. so, if i want to get to a store to get anything that's not groceries, i need to take a bus ride. what used to be the main street through the italian district (i'm just north of little italy and just south of a mostly arabic district) is now mostly boarded up. you can really see the effects of the urban decay. the downtown core is mostly dilapidated buildings that are decades beyond the point of repair and would be torn down if the property they're on was worth anything and instead are a mix of dying businesses and low-rent apartments. there are little pockets of upkept buildings, but the reality is that the city would actually benefit massively from a huge fire.
i'm kind of more interested in the music scene in detroit than i am in windsor in any way. i haven't bothered getting a phone yet, which has made it impossible for me to get across the border. first i have to get a phone number (and i'll probably finally get a pay-as-you-go internet phone in the next few weeks), then i have to get a nexus card. i can't get a passport because i'd need a ridiculous 6 references. the nexus card is for "low risk travelers". but they won't just let you across for the day with a birth certificate like they used to, and like i sort of assumed they would. so i can't really say how much i like the city yet because i don't feel i've really experienced it. i made it out to a punk show in october, but windsor isn't the destination that most of the bands coming through here that i'm interested in are going to pick (although the casino here will sometimes outbid detroit for moderately large acts that don't want to enter downtown detroit).
regarding the safety of detroit? i don't know yet. i've read some things that suggest that there are areas to avoid but, overall, it's not any worse than any other major city - so long as you avoid those areas. i can't think i look like much of a target. and most of the destinations i have circled require going through the core on a bus. so i get the impression it'll probably be fine. i guess i'll find out, though.
i think i'm legitimately happy, here, though. the whole arrangement plays into my introversion and is maximizing my ability to be creative.
j
a quick request
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i hear you're moving soon. i know you've indicated to me that there aren't any extra boxes around, and that some things were damaged in the backyard on lexington and consequently discarded, but i'd just like to reiterate that i am missing a number of things that are important to me and that if you do find anything that you believe belongs to me i'd appreciate it if you contact me about shipping here instead of discarding it. i'm still holding out hope that there's a specific box of papers, books and posters that's hiding under a staircase somewhere or something.
i also lent my father a book about game theory, called "game theory and strategy". the author is philip straffin. i lent it to him before i packed anything up, so it would have probably just have been sitting out on his bookshelf. if that's around, it would be nice to have it returned as well.
j
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i hear you're moving soon. i know you've indicated to me that there aren't any extra boxes around, and that some things were damaged in the backyard on lexington and consequently discarded, but i'd just like to reiterate that i am missing a number of things that are important to me and that if you do find anything that you believe belongs to me i'd appreciate it if you contact me about shipping here instead of discarding it. i'm still holding out hope that there's a specific box of papers, books and posters that's hiding under a staircase somewhere or something.
i also lent my father a book about game theory, called "game theory and strategy". the author is philip straffin. i lent it to him before i packed anything up, so it would have probably just have been sitting out on his bookshelf. if that's around, it would be nice to have it returned as well.
j
re: sheet music
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister's email address
yes. those are the books.
actually, with the box of books, i think she may have taken it upon herself to take the books back that she thought belonged to her father or brother. this is partly why i was thinking the piano books may have made their way to you. she didn't *just* rebox, she took some stuff out in the process. see, i make lists of everything, so i have a list of books. i can compare. i've noticed a weak correlation between missing books and books that i picked up from her dad's basement after he died. some of them were actually her fathers, including some old translated soviet propaganda that i found quite interesting, as well as a copy of the republic, and some of them weren't - like the machiavelli, for example, or the iliad. but the theme of missing books seems to be "old books that she thought (sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly) were her fathers". excluding the old soviet propaganda, it's all stuff i can pick up for a few bucks at a garage sale or a used store.
unfortunately, the sheet music is both irreplaceable and worthless. the sad thing is that this is the case for most of the things that are missing. my old retired shirts are missing. i can't replace those and they're worth nothing. i can't replace a sketch that sarah drew of me playing guitar. i can't replace my "Certificate of Provenance" from coil, or the mogwai poster, or these other sorts of things that are gone.
*shrug*.
j
To: sister's email address
yes. those are the books.
unfortunately, the sheet music is both irreplaceable and worthless. the sad thing is that this is the case for most of the things that are missing. my old retired shirts are missing. i can't replace those and they're worth nothing. i can't replace a sketch that sarah drew of me playing guitar. i can't replace my "Certificate of Provenance" from coil, or the mogwai poster, or these other sorts of things that are gone.
*shrug*.
j
re: sheet music
From: sister's email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Did they look like these? I'm missing the whole set...(well, I've bought some of them over the years, but definitely not all the ones I had). They had some personal momentos (Ottawa Music Academy certificates) and notes in them that I wanted to keep as well. That sucks that they're gone for good.
Did I ever tell you that when they moved out of Normandy while I was in CHEO that she got rid of ALL of my books, CDs, as well as THREE leather trenchcoats and a bunch of clothes that I had? Never got an apology for that one either.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Did they look like these? I'm missing the whole set...(well, I've bought some of them over the years, but definitely not all the ones I had). They had some personal momentos (Ottawa Music Academy certificates) and notes in them that I wanted to keep as well. That sucks that they're gone for good.
Did I ever tell you that when they moved out of Normandy while I was in CHEO that she got rid of ALL of my books, CDs, as well as THREE leather trenchcoats and a bunch of clothes that I had? Never got an apology for that one either.
re: sheet music
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister's email address
the stuff was in there over the winter. the snow melted. it flooded. the reboxing occurred as a result of the flooding.
she's already indicated that she threw out "old boxes", "moldy binders" and "destroyed papers". i've realized since that she threw out at least one large box of books (because i'm missing a few text books, and some stuff by machiavelli, and other things).
i didn't really pay a lot of attention to the piano books. they were very elementary - grades 1, 2, 3. i think they were purple and pink. they had cubes or something on the front. i think i was going to give them to sarah for her kids, as she had an old piano in her living room, but they never found their way there.
ugh. taliban jackie strikes again. no use dwelling on it.
j
To: sister's email address
the stuff was in there over the winter. the snow melted. it flooded. the reboxing occurred as a result of the flooding.
she's already indicated that she threw out "old boxes", "moldy binders" and "destroyed papers". i've realized since that she threw out at least one large box of books (because i'm missing a few text books, and some stuff by machiavelli, and other things).
i didn't really pay a lot of attention to the piano books. they were very elementary - grades 1, 2, 3. i think they were purple and pink. they had cubes or something on the front. i think i was going to give them to sarah for her kids, as she had an old piano in her living room, but they never found their way there.
ugh. taliban jackie strikes again. no use dwelling on it.
j
re: sheet music
From: sister's email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Which of my old piano books are you talking about, because I AM missing a bunch of my old piano books, and could never figure out where the hell they went. I have bought many replacements over the years from book shops and library sales. I don't have any guitar sheet music at all, but I also don't think there was ever a flood in the shed; are you referring to the shed on Lexington (3)? Everything was packed up into expensive banker boxes for you there, was it not? All I know is that all your stuff ended up in the garage in Findlay Creek, except for the electronics, which were kept in the basement. If you are missing electronic stuff, the stepmother would be the person to talk to about that, as it is possible that some little stuff like that was overlooked in the moving process. She is moving in the next few months, however, so I would get in touch with her about it sooner than later.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Which of my old piano books are you talking about, because I AM missing a bunch of my old piano books, and could never figure out where the hell they went. I have bought many replacements over the years from book shops and library sales. I don't have any guitar sheet music at all, but I also don't think there was ever a flood in the shed; are you referring to the shed on Lexington (3)? Everything was packed up into expensive banker boxes for you there, was it not? All I know is that all your stuff ended up in the garage in Findlay Creek, except for the electronics, which were kept in the basement. If you are missing electronic stuff, the stepmother would be the person to talk to about that, as it is possible that some little stuff like that was overlooked in the moving process. She is moving in the next few months, however, so I would get in touch with her about it sooner than later.
sheet music
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister's email address
i'm missing a great deal of sheet music. the stuff that's important to me is the stuff i marked up when taking classical guitar lessons at the end of 2000 and into 2001. that was a long time ago, but i always meant to record some of those marked up pieces when i had the time to do it. that never happened (well, i got two done, and have a midi version of a third). but, i'm running through my recordings and would like to complete this now, if i could.
of course, i don't remember any of the parts and it would certainly sound different now than it did then, but we can surprise ourselves in the way music comes back to us.
some of them were renaissance guitar pieces, others were celtic jigs and others were by people like leo brouwer. they've been scribbled over to the point that i'm the only person that could at all remotely understand any of it. you really couldn't miss them, if you have them.
and i think you might have them. the truth is a lot of things went missing. i had some electronics in boxes that may have been deduced to be empty and weren't. so, i lost a router and roland keys and other things. there were other boxes that may have been thrown out due to getting destroyed in the flood in the shed.
i'm hoping that's not what happened to the sheet music, though. it would have been packaged up together in a plastic bag or small box with the other sheet music, which included a bunch of your old piano books. i don't remember how i got those old piano books. i think you had decided you were going to throw them out, and i ended up with them instead. if you ended up with those old books, you ended up with the sheet music.
i would greatly appreciate it if you could return that sheet music to me if you do have it. if not, i guess it got destroyed by the water in the shed.
j
To: sister's email address
i'm missing a great deal of sheet music. the stuff that's important to me is the stuff i marked up when taking classical guitar lessons at the end of 2000 and into 2001. that was a long time ago, but i always meant to record some of those marked up pieces when i had the time to do it. that never happened (well, i got two done, and have a midi version of a third). but, i'm running through my recordings and would like to complete this now, if i could.
of course, i don't remember any of the parts and it would certainly sound different now than it did then, but we can surprise ourselves in the way music comes back to us.
some of them were renaissance guitar pieces, others were celtic jigs and others were by people like leo brouwer. they've been scribbled over to the point that i'm the only person that could at all remotely understand any of it. you really couldn't miss them, if you have them.
and i think you might have them. the truth is a lot of things went missing. i had some electronics in boxes that may have been deduced to be empty and weren't. so, i lost a router and roland keys and other things. there were other boxes that may have been thrown out due to getting destroyed in the flood in the shed.
i'm hoping that's not what happened to the sheet music, though. it would have been packaged up together in a plastic bag or small box with the other sheet music, which included a bunch of your old piano books. i don't remember how i got those old piano books. i think you had decided you were going to throw them out, and i ended up with them instead. if you ended up with those old books, you ended up with the sheet music.
i would greatly appreciate it if you could return that sheet music to me if you do have it. if not, i guess it got destroyed by the water in the shed.
j
Friday, January 17, 2014
that was an unscheduled break. i feel i needed it, though. head is now cleared, time to get back to it.
i have a bit of quality control listening to do in finishing up the deny everything period. i may have to slightly modify a few files. nothing substantial, but i may have accidentally uploaded some corrupt files. not sure yet (it might be something i've never noticed in the track). i should be on to the guitarland within hours and finished that by the weekend at the latest.
there's two major projects left to complete before i get back into the recording phase. one is a noise project that comes together through various sources, while the other is an indie rock project i did with an old friend of mine. these should be quick ups.
once those get up, i'm thrown into a hybrid trivial group / tetris period that is neither complete nor well organized. it will mostly be straight ups pushing into about '05. at that point, my first priority is likely going to be to complete my sixth symphony.
so, here i go, entering the end of the transition...
i have a bit of quality control listening to do in finishing up the deny everything period. i may have to slightly modify a few files. nothing substantial, but i may have accidentally uploaded some corrupt files. not sure yet (it might be something i've never noticed in the track). i should be on to the guitarland within hours and finished that by the weekend at the latest.
there's two major projects left to complete before i get back into the recording phase. one is a noise project that comes together through various sources, while the other is an indie rock project i did with an old friend of mine. these should be quick ups.
once those get up, i'm thrown into a hybrid trivial group / tetris period that is neither complete nor well organized. it will mostly be straight ups pushing into about '05. at that point, my first priority is likely going to be to complete my sixth symphony.
so, here i go, entering the end of the transition...
got your card and check...
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother's email address
thank you kindly :)
j
To: grandmother's email address
thank you kindly :)
j
it seems like the guy upstairs has moved to the third floor. which
has some short-term benefits. i think i'm now free to make smoothies
between 11:00 PM and 8:00 AM. not that i wasn't before, but it's common
courtesy to keep that kind of noise down. generally speaking, the larger
noise buffer is sort of relieving.
nobody has said anything to me about noise, and i don't think that was the cause for the move. rather, i think the recent cold snap produced an evacuation.
personally, i saw it coming and prepared by cranking the heat a few days in advance. when the wind was blowing around out there near -50, the thermostat in my room was a hair under 24 degrees celsius; it was admittedly not able to hold itself there, and the temperature on the thermostat doesn't actually reflect the temperature in the room (which was more like 18 or 19) but the apartment was comfortable.
i realize, though, that it could have been very uncomfortable down here if i just let it sit at 20, oblivious to what was happening outside. i suspect that's why the guy upstairs retreated to safer ground.
which would be fine.
....'cept that the heat seems to now be off, altogether, upstairs. i'm a little worried, but at the same time the mild breeze is actually sort of refreshing. in addition to that meaning i'm going to have to boost my heat a bit, which is a mild adjustment if an adjustment ever was mild, i'm not entirely sure the plan was thought out; part of the reason it's hottest upstairs is that it's being heated by the two levels below it!
so, the end result is we both end up turning the heat up higher and neither is as warm as we were before. i can live through that, but i'm wondering just how bad an idea it is to let the wood floors freeze...
anyways, i think it'll be fine. my guess is that the heat comes back on up there in a day or two when the temperature falls. if not, i'll have to explain the situation, and i'm sure it'll get turned back on. really, i'm just becoming more and more intrigued by my landlord's family....
nobody has said anything to me about noise, and i don't think that was the cause for the move. rather, i think the recent cold snap produced an evacuation.
personally, i saw it coming and prepared by cranking the heat a few days in advance. when the wind was blowing around out there near -50, the thermostat in my room was a hair under 24 degrees celsius; it was admittedly not able to hold itself there, and the temperature on the thermostat doesn't actually reflect the temperature in the room (which was more like 18 or 19) but the apartment was comfortable.
i realize, though, that it could have been very uncomfortable down here if i just let it sit at 20, oblivious to what was happening outside. i suspect that's why the guy upstairs retreated to safer ground.
which would be fine.
....'cept that the heat seems to now be off, altogether, upstairs. i'm a little worried, but at the same time the mild breeze is actually sort of refreshing. in addition to that meaning i'm going to have to boost my heat a bit, which is a mild adjustment if an adjustment ever was mild, i'm not entirely sure the plan was thought out; part of the reason it's hottest upstairs is that it's being heated by the two levels below it!
so, the end result is we both end up turning the heat up higher and neither is as warm as we were before. i can live through that, but i'm wondering just how bad an idea it is to let the wood floors freeze...
anyways, i think it'll be fine. my guess is that the heat comes back on up there in a day or two when the temperature falls. if not, i'll have to explain the situation, and i'm sure it'll get turned back on. really, i'm just becoming more and more intrigued by my landlord's family....
Thursday, January 16, 2014
people wonder why i don't trust my mother...
mom
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!
Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.
But, they do.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...
mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??
Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.
it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...
so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.
mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...
Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.
mom
you did!
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.
mom
your mother knows
Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.
mom
listen to your mother!
Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….
mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.
mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.
Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....
mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.
mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!
Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.
mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.
Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.
mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.
mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.
mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.
In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...
It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....
Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.
anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.
i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.
mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?
Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!
Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.
But, they do.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...
mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??
Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.
it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...
so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.
mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...
Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.
mom
you did!
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.
mom
your mother knows
Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.
mom
listen to your mother!
Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….
mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.
mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.
Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....
mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.
mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!
Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.
mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.
Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.
mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.
mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.
mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.
In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...
It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....
Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.
anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.
i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.
mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?
Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html
Jeff
Your a brilliant person, just need to focus that on something that allows you to make money in the process. Surprised you never ended up in the science field or book writing for example. As far as life goes take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Music is your passion but your mind was meant for far more! That's why I say science or writing books on sociology. Hang in there k
You might argue sociology due to certain personal traits like not liking other people but it doesn't mean you don't understand human behavior or deep thought into peoples behavior or actions cause from some posts you write I think you do at least write good thoughts on alot of issues so...what I'm saying is write books or papers for universities and see where it takes you,might axially get published!!
Jessica Amber Murray
*sigh*. i appreciate the kind words, but i'm really just venting. i don't think we ever communicated much over the internet back in the day, but these kinds of written rants are pretty normal for me. i've actually had a lot of difficulty separating the perception of the internet i grew up with (specifically, something that does not exist in real life) with the actuality of the internet in my adult life (something that does). ten or fifteen years ago, i would have posted that rant on a message board somewhere...now it's facebook...the difference is more in who sees it. that is to say that, while i don't think there's much of a path there, i do think i'm ok. i'm mostly just working out thoughts...
Jeff
Just thought id let you know that I hope you figure it out and stay positive Jess.
Your a brilliant person, just need to focus that on something that allows you to make money in the process. Surprised you never ended up in the science field or book writing for example. As far as life goes take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Music is your passion but your mind was meant for far more! That's why I say science or writing books on sociology. Hang in there k
You might argue sociology due to certain personal traits like not liking other people but it doesn't mean you don't understand human behavior or deep thought into peoples behavior or actions cause from some posts you write I think you do at least write good thoughts on alot of issues so...what I'm saying is write books or papers for universities and see where it takes you,might axially get published!!
Jessica Amber Murray
*sigh*. i appreciate the kind words, but i'm really just venting. i don't think we ever communicated much over the internet back in the day, but these kinds of written rants are pretty normal for me. i've actually had a lot of difficulty separating the perception of the internet i grew up with (specifically, something that does not exist in real life) with the actuality of the internet in my adult life (something that does). ten or fifteen years ago, i would have posted that rant on a message board somewhere...now it's facebook...the difference is more in who sees it. that is to say that, while i don't think there's much of a path there, i do think i'm ok. i'm mostly just working out thoughts...
Jeff
Just thought id let you know that I hope you figure it out and stay positive Jess.
re: jessica murray's Music & HypedSound
From: Jonathan Jaeger <hypedsoundteam@gmail.com>
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Hi Jessica, I appreciate your thorough response, and I recognize that perhaps we aren't providing the niche or style of website you'd like. That's perfectly respectable. I did listen to several of your tracks. I find that kind of experimental music interesting. Typically I listen to a lot of ambient, electronic, and jazz music, so this isn't necessarily in my wheelhouse, but I appreciate the different textures and sound effects. I came across your Bandcamp on the Curious George track.
My meaning behind the website is not to follow a "trend" per se, it's too offer convenience for those with so many different places they have different media of different formats. While the artist might like to have many different platforms, if they want to give someone a taste of all their creative works, it's hard to do that with just a SoundCloud, just a Bandcamp, or just a YouTube or Instagram. Sometimes artists send me 10 different links to check out, and I imagine they are making it harder for potential listeners to check them out (sometimes too many different links/platforms leads to indecision or apathy).
I'm hoping to tailor the experience in such a way that the content speaks for itself, rather than a cluttered site with ads or too many features. The key is to show someone's creativity without losing focus. While I'm trying to create value in that way, I still understand if it's not your type of thing, and I appreciate what you're doing with your music.
Cheers,
Jonathan
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Hi Jessica, I appreciate your thorough response, and I recognize that perhaps we aren't providing the niche or style of website you'd like. That's perfectly respectable. I did listen to several of your tracks. I find that kind of experimental music interesting. Typically I listen to a lot of ambient, electronic, and jazz music, so this isn't necessarily in my wheelhouse, but I appreciate the different textures and sound effects. I came across your Bandcamp on the Curious George track.
My meaning behind the website is not to follow a "trend" per se, it's too offer convenience for those with so many different places they have different media of different formats. While the artist might like to have many different platforms, if they want to give someone a taste of all their creative works, it's hard to do that with just a SoundCloud, just a Bandcamp, or just a YouTube or Instagram. Sometimes artists send me 10 different links to check out, and I imagine they are making it harder for potential listeners to check them out (sometimes too many different links/platforms leads to indecision or apathy).
I'm hoping to tailor the experience in such a way that the content speaks for itself, rather than a cluttered site with ads or too many features. The key is to show someone's creativity without losing focus. While I'm trying to create value in that way, I still understand if it's not your type of thing, and I appreciate what you're doing with your music.
Cheers,
Jonathan
i've been informed by multiple people that that last post was hard to read and have changed the privacy settings on it. i apologize if it upset you. i'm acknowledging it was upsetting.
i should probably start a livejournal site or something. is that site still up...?
except that this *is* that.
see, if i release the evil energy through my fingers then it escapes and floats off into the galaxy, leaving me free of it's consequences. i felt better not after posting it but while i was typing it. and that's the real point. you'll note that i'm sort of unflappable, aren't i? except i'm not, i just have my yoga typing rituals. public/private distinction.
...'cept, due to the adoption of various internet conventions, my latrine is now at the front of my house and y'all are on the lawn. what was once a way to expunge negative thought through a well hidden back out is now airing soiled laundry. and i don't quite want to yell at anybody to get off the lawn just yet.
but, this is a journal, and i'm going to exaggerate a bit sometimes. i'm agreeing that that was a tad heavy, heavy enough that it only needed to be posted just for me, and mostly because it is, in fact, hard to read, but a journal is the nature of what this is, and it's going to get a little prickly sometimes.
i should probably start a livejournal site or something. is that site still up...?
except that this *is* that.
see, if i release the evil energy through my fingers then it escapes and floats off into the galaxy, leaving me free of it's consequences. i felt better not after posting it but while i was typing it. and that's the real point. you'll note that i'm sort of unflappable, aren't i? except i'm not, i just have my yoga typing rituals. public/private distinction.
...'cept, due to the adoption of various internet conventions, my latrine is now at the front of my house and y'all are on the lawn. what was once a way to expunge negative thought through a well hidden back out is now airing soiled laundry. and i don't quite want to yell at anybody to get off the lawn just yet.
but, this is a journal, and i'm going to exaggerate a bit sometimes. i'm agreeing that that was a tad heavy, heavy enough that it only needed to be posted just for me, and mostly because it is, in fact, hard to read, but a journal is the nature of what this is, and it's going to get a little prickly sometimes.
re: jessica murray's Music & HypedSound
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: Jonathan Jaeger <hypedsoundteam@gmail.com>
hi.
i'm sure some people will find this appealing. personally, though, i like the idea of presenting my music differently across platforms. i don't currently have any presentation needs that i feel are unmet by a facebook/youtube/bandcamp combination. my concerns are more to do with finding a way to reach the right audience.
i realize you probably didn't actually listen to anything. if you did, you'd realize that, as an artist, my primary need would be the creation of an internet space that is truly focused upon creative music, rather than fashions or trends or genres or the biases of the site mods. i need something that focuses on substance, not hype. it's probably not a coincidence that i feel i have the same problem as a consumer. the internet was supposed to make it easier to get through the hype; instead, we now have 300 websites acting the way mtv & radio used to, drowning everything out. that would be a shift to a comparable market if it weren't for the fact that the filters on the bottom have been ignored and have consequently lapsed into disuse. trying to find interesting experimental music on the internet is very difficult due to the oversaturation of the market on centralized sites like bandcamp.
the nature of my music makes it hard for me to market it as anything other than "different", which makes it hard to get picked up. sites that appeal to specific genres are going to universally reject it because it doesn't fit neatly into any genre (and will not appeal to the listener base). the nature of review sites is that they're constantly competing with each other for the ability to find the most pure representations of specific abstractions. i just don't exist in that kind of a market.
that is to say that i don't think another general music site is something that will be beneficial to struggling artists, or to consumers that listen to struggling artists. it just promises to further separate and saturate the market into "officially chosen trend" and "everything else". one giant database is not going to help me or people like me - rather, it's small and disconnected databases that appeal to specific audiences that are going to help unique artists connect with their difficult to define listening bases.
that's a role that needs to be taken up by a vibrant blog community, which can only happen outside of any corporate oversight. in economic terms, it's letting the market function rather than trying to control it through centralizing lists, trends and things of the like.
what something like this might be useful for is a listener of mainstream music that wants to connect with artists that they've heard elsewhere. those artists would have a reason to follow their audience to where they congregate. for the rest of us, it might even serve to reduce clutter.
i don't, however, think it's something that interests me at this time. what i need is something closer to a social media version of brainwashed.com.
j
To: Jonathan Jaeger <hypedsoundteam@gmail.com>
hi.
i'm sure some people will find this appealing. personally, though, i like the idea of presenting my music differently across platforms. i don't currently have any presentation needs that i feel are unmet by a facebook/youtube/bandcamp combination. my concerns are more to do with finding a way to reach the right audience.
i realize you probably didn't actually listen to anything. if you did, you'd realize that, as an artist, my primary need would be the creation of an internet space that is truly focused upon creative music, rather than fashions or trends or genres or the biases of the site mods. i need something that focuses on substance, not hype. it's probably not a coincidence that i feel i have the same problem as a consumer. the internet was supposed to make it easier to get through the hype; instead, we now have 300 websites acting the way mtv & radio used to, drowning everything out. that would be a shift to a comparable market if it weren't for the fact that the filters on the bottom have been ignored and have consequently lapsed into disuse. trying to find interesting experimental music on the internet is very difficult due to the oversaturation of the market on centralized sites like bandcamp.
the nature of my music makes it hard for me to market it as anything other than "different", which makes it hard to get picked up. sites that appeal to specific genres are going to universally reject it because it doesn't fit neatly into any genre (and will not appeal to the listener base). the nature of review sites is that they're constantly competing with each other for the ability to find the most pure representations of specific abstractions. i just don't exist in that kind of a market.
that is to say that i don't think another general music site is something that will be beneficial to struggling artists, or to consumers that listen to struggling artists. it just promises to further separate and saturate the market into "officially chosen trend" and "everything else". one giant database is not going to help me or people like me - rather, it's small and disconnected databases that appeal to specific audiences that are going to help unique artists connect with their difficult to define listening bases.
that's a role that needs to be taken up by a vibrant blog community, which can only happen outside of any corporate oversight. in economic terms, it's letting the market function rather than trying to control it through centralizing lists, trends and things of the like.
what something like this might be useful for is a listener of mainstream music that wants to connect with artists that they've heard elsewhere. those artists would have a reason to follow their audience to where they congregate. for the rest of us, it might even serve to reduce clutter.
i don't, however, think it's something that interests me at this time. what i need is something closer to a social media version of brainwashed.com.
j
it doesn't seem to matter what i do, that crushing feeling of emptiness is periodically inevitable. it's tied into realizing that the meaning i've temporarily tricked myself into creating is entirely constructed. and, getting out of it for another few days is a process that requires fooling myself once again. sometimes, i look back and actually cry about how trivial my motivations are. but they're the only motivations i have...
i don't need drugs. i'm not malfunctioning. i've come to a series of careful, reasoned conclusions and if you allow me the space to lay my arguments out i could very well convince the cheeriest people alive of these empty feelings that they seem to be oblivious to. to me, that's the head-scratching part of it. i really don't understand how so many people can be so happy - or bother pretending they're so happy - in the face of so much pointlessness. i don't want to understand this, either, as i feel it would necessarily require destroying a substantial number of brain cells.
i should have killed myself a long time ago, but i can't even really work up the nerve of even that. what's the point of suicide? i mean, these fleeting moments of contrived happiness, as well as these constant trials with myself, are surely more valuable than nothing at all? i'm most content when i ignore purpose and just exist. but i just can't come to terms with that in more than isolated stretches. i'm just constantly overwhelmed.
right now i'm mad at myself for it. i'm usually not. but right now i know i have to take advantage of this small period of freedom before it disappears. i can't be depressed or wasting my time thinking about what comes next (as though it matters, right? but these kinds of delusions are fundamental to building up any kind of motivation). i can't be losing myself in plans. the uncertainty, though, is gnawing.
what would i even do with this time period if i were using it to focus on the future like i'm supposed to be doing? i'm privileged enough to be able to re-educate myself largely as i see fit, but i've basically systematically ruled out any possible professional designation as a process of intellectually enslaving myself. the reason intellectual work is supposed to be more rewarding is that it provides for some freedom of thought, but that doesn't work when you can't get beyond any existing system of axioms without an objection that is so strong as to require mutiny. i'd actually have to suppress my views less as a wage slave than as a lawyer or a professor. there's no intellectual freedom there, there's no garden to frolic in - there's just the repetition of lies, the observance of conformity and the problem of cognitive dissonance.
i can't do tradeswork. i lack things like physical strength and motor skills. and i couldn't market a steak to a starving person.
so it's a process of looking forward to the reestablishment of my own enslavement, or getting lucky in extending my existing conditions. and why bother preparing for that? why not just hope you get lucky, and deal with the consequences if you don't?
there's no possible happy ending, it's just different levels of enslavement.
i realize they're going to throw it at me. "we gave you two years on disability to recover from a mental breakdown, and you wasted it in a scorched earth policy at carleton, followed by moving to the worst job market in the country and sitting around listening to music?"
well, yeah. it might be the last opportunity i get.
i don't need drugs. i'm not malfunctioning. i've come to a series of careful, reasoned conclusions and if you allow me the space to lay my arguments out i could very well convince the cheeriest people alive of these empty feelings that they seem to be oblivious to. to me, that's the head-scratching part of it. i really don't understand how so many people can be so happy - or bother pretending they're so happy - in the face of so much pointlessness. i don't want to understand this, either, as i feel it would necessarily require destroying a substantial number of brain cells.
i should have killed myself a long time ago, but i can't even really work up the nerve of even that. what's the point of suicide? i mean, these fleeting moments of contrived happiness, as well as these constant trials with myself, are surely more valuable than nothing at all? i'm most content when i ignore purpose and just exist. but i just can't come to terms with that in more than isolated stretches. i'm just constantly overwhelmed.
right now i'm mad at myself for it. i'm usually not. but right now i know i have to take advantage of this small period of freedom before it disappears. i can't be depressed or wasting my time thinking about what comes next (as though it matters, right? but these kinds of delusions are fundamental to building up any kind of motivation). i can't be losing myself in plans. the uncertainty, though, is gnawing.
what would i even do with this time period if i were using it to focus on the future like i'm supposed to be doing? i'm privileged enough to be able to re-educate myself largely as i see fit, but i've basically systematically ruled out any possible professional designation as a process of intellectually enslaving myself. the reason intellectual work is supposed to be more rewarding is that it provides for some freedom of thought, but that doesn't work when you can't get beyond any existing system of axioms without an objection that is so strong as to require mutiny. i'd actually have to suppress my views less as a wage slave than as a lawyer or a professor. there's no intellectual freedom there, there's no garden to frolic in - there's just the repetition of lies, the observance of conformity and the problem of cognitive dissonance.
i can't do tradeswork. i lack things like physical strength and motor skills. and i couldn't market a steak to a starving person.
so it's a process of looking forward to the reestablishment of my own enslavement, or getting lucky in extending my existing conditions. and why bother preparing for that? why not just hope you get lucky, and deal with the consequences if you don't?
there's no possible happy ending, it's just different levels of enslavement.
i realize they're going to throw it at me. "we gave you two years on disability to recover from a mental breakdown, and you wasted it in a scorched earth policy at carleton, followed by moving to the worst job market in the country and sitting around listening to music?"
well, yeah. it might be the last opportunity i get.
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