i wasn't able to get a straight answer out of anybody at the radiology
department regarding why the second mri was requested, so i've cancelled
it. i was specific: do you think you might see a tumour? do you think
you might see a lesion? all i could get was "the doctor is requesting a
second mri". an appeal to authority is simply not convincing to me.
i
have verified at least that the information was sent to the referring
doctor, so i will call them on tuesday for further exploration of the
issue.
while it is possible that the radiologist was just
incompetent with his notes - that he has a good reason that he didn't
specify because he's lazy - my reading of the situation is that he's
just looking for a way to bill me twice, and that that's actually
probably a good sign because it probably at least rules out the tumour.
as mentioned previously, i'm leaning more towards lyme disease at this point. but, i'm going to need to see the scans myself....
Sunday, July 31, 2016
ok, i just woke up. i had checked my inbox, half asleep, during a mid-morning urination awakening and they want to inject me with some isotope of something...?
what it does is make the tumor or lesion more visible in the scan. that seems to indicate that there is a tumor or lesion. but, i need to know what it is, first, before i make any decisions. injecting me with some kind of metal seems kind of reckless, unless it's a mitigating factor. harm reduction. i'm not there yet.
are they lesions? if so, i'd rather get a blood test for lyme disease. and, i mean, there's not really any treatment for ms, anyways. i'll just take the diagnosis to my nearest odsp office and otherwise forget about it. no, really. so, i have ms. what does injecting me with a heavy metal for an mri accomplish? but, what if i only have lyme disease? there's safer ways to determine this.
do they think they found a tumour? how aggressive do they think it is? this is the one situation where i may consent to this...
....but i also need to see the existing scans first. apparently, it was the radiologist that requested the second scan. who is what? a technician?
"oh, i'm not a doctor."
two things i'm worried about.
1) all industry exists for the purpose of maximizing profit. even in canada, people get paid. and, what that actually means is that we have a lot of unnecessary procedures done because somebody gets paid. on first glance, too much health care might seem better than not enough. but, this is one of those circumstances where too much may be worse. i'm not ruling the procedure out on principle, i just want to make sure that we've gone through the safer - less expensive - options first.
2) i talk a lot of shit in a lot of places. i keep pointing out that i'm harmless, but i'm not sure i'm winning that argument. would somebody go out of their way to get rid of me? it's not impossible. it *is* outrageous. it *is* ridiculous. but, the world we live in is outrageous and ridiculous. i just need to be a little bit more careful than the average bear, i think.
so, i'm going to go call them back and tentatively cancel the appointment. i need to have them articulate exactly what they're looking for, and confirm that they've actually sent the results to the doctor that referred me. i also want to know when i can see the scans, myself.
what it does is make the tumor or lesion more visible in the scan. that seems to indicate that there is a tumor or lesion. but, i need to know what it is, first, before i make any decisions. injecting me with some kind of metal seems kind of reckless, unless it's a mitigating factor. harm reduction. i'm not there yet.
are they lesions? if so, i'd rather get a blood test for lyme disease. and, i mean, there's not really any treatment for ms, anyways. i'll just take the diagnosis to my nearest odsp office and otherwise forget about it. no, really. so, i have ms. what does injecting me with a heavy metal for an mri accomplish? but, what if i only have lyme disease? there's safer ways to determine this.
do they think they found a tumour? how aggressive do they think it is? this is the one situation where i may consent to this...
....but i also need to see the existing scans first. apparently, it was the radiologist that requested the second scan. who is what? a technician?
"oh, i'm not a doctor."
two things i'm worried about.
1) all industry exists for the purpose of maximizing profit. even in canada, people get paid. and, what that actually means is that we have a lot of unnecessary procedures done because somebody gets paid. on first glance, too much health care might seem better than not enough. but, this is one of those circumstances where too much may be worse. i'm not ruling the procedure out on principle, i just want to make sure that we've gone through the safer - less expensive - options first.
2) i talk a lot of shit in a lot of places. i keep pointing out that i'm harmless, but i'm not sure i'm winning that argument. would somebody go out of their way to get rid of me? it's not impossible. it *is* outrageous. it *is* ridiculous. but, the world we live in is outrageous and ridiculous. i just need to be a little bit more careful than the average bear, i think.
so, i'm going to go call them back and tentatively cancel the appointment. i need to have them articulate exactly what they're looking for, and confirm that they've actually sent the results to the doctor that referred me. i also want to know when i can see the scans, myself.
i initially noticed facial tics around my left ear some time around ten years ago. i had an mri done but i didn't hear anything back and i forgot about it. it was kind of just a mild annoyance. at the time, i was thinking something more along the lines of heavy metal poisoning from living on a busy street with a lot of truck traffic (bronson avenue) than anything else.
the issue of the facial tics would come and go, but never really got out of hand as anything more than an annoyance until a little over a yea ago when i noticed i was having an extended period of difficulty swallowing (dysphagia) that has yet to really resolve itself. i initially brought this up with a nurse at the camh here, who did not take me seriously. i asked several times for an mri, and he kept telling me we'll talk about it later. it never happened.
the first few years i was here, i was struggling to find a doctor willing to prescribe me hormones. i was able to finally find a family doctor last fall that was willing to not just prescribe but also to increase my dosage, and that has had some positive effects. he has also finally taken my concerns about dysphagia seriously. while he suggested i should see a neurologist, i insisted on seeing an ear doctor to start and then graduating to a neurologist as the issue resolved or complicated itself.
the ear doctor initially did not take me seriously, either. however, i pushed for a hearing test - which discovered some loss in the affected ear. she still refused to take the situation seriously, suggested that the test was just error and insisted that i take it again. i instead pushed for an mri - which i had on monday.
i felt the mri would be the best idea because it could determine three things:
1) is my jaw crooked? in 2006, i fell of my bike and landed terribly on my face. the tic and resulting dysphagia could be the result of a skeletal abnormality, which could either be broken back in place or just dealt with. it would be useful to know, one way or the other.
2) do i have brain lesions? if i do, are those lesions more consistent with something like ms or more indicative of something like lyme disease?
3) is there maybe a tumor in there? i'm considering this possibility to be extremely remote due to how long i've had the issue for. one does not have a malignant tumor in their head for over ten years. i'd be dead by now.
i just checked my email and realized that somebody called me on the saturday of the long weekend to book a second mri. while i will not know the reasons for this request until i call back, i'm considering this to be somewhat ominous. it is possible that there was some error and they need to redo it, but i would think that a request for a second mri indicates that they found something that shouldn't be there. is it a lesion or a tumor?
i think they open at 6:00 am.
the issue of the facial tics would come and go, but never really got out of hand as anything more than an annoyance until a little over a yea ago when i noticed i was having an extended period of difficulty swallowing (dysphagia) that has yet to really resolve itself. i initially brought this up with a nurse at the camh here, who did not take me seriously. i asked several times for an mri, and he kept telling me we'll talk about it later. it never happened.
the first few years i was here, i was struggling to find a doctor willing to prescribe me hormones. i was able to finally find a family doctor last fall that was willing to not just prescribe but also to increase my dosage, and that has had some positive effects. he has also finally taken my concerns about dysphagia seriously. while he suggested i should see a neurologist, i insisted on seeing an ear doctor to start and then graduating to a neurologist as the issue resolved or complicated itself.
the ear doctor initially did not take me seriously, either. however, i pushed for a hearing test - which discovered some loss in the affected ear. she still refused to take the situation seriously, suggested that the test was just error and insisted that i take it again. i instead pushed for an mri - which i had on monday.
i felt the mri would be the best idea because it could determine three things:
1) is my jaw crooked? in 2006, i fell of my bike and landed terribly on my face. the tic and resulting dysphagia could be the result of a skeletal abnormality, which could either be broken back in place or just dealt with. it would be useful to know, one way or the other.
2) do i have brain lesions? if i do, are those lesions more consistent with something like ms or more indicative of something like lyme disease?
3) is there maybe a tumor in there? i'm considering this possibility to be extremely remote due to how long i've had the issue for. one does not have a malignant tumor in their head for over ten years. i'd be dead by now.
i just checked my email and realized that somebody called me on the saturday of the long weekend to book a second mri. while i will not know the reasons for this request until i call back, i'm considering this to be somewhat ominous. it is possible that there was some error and they need to redo it, but i would think that a request for a second mri indicates that they found something that shouldn't be there. is it a lesion or a tumor?
i think they open at 6:00 am.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
it's less that it took me a long time to get started today and more that i was out doing some end/beginning of the month shopping. i didn't sit down to eat until close to 6:00 pm. and, i did have some loose ends to do, including closing inri013 over the vlog.
i actually didn't get a lot of sleep last night so i don't know if i'll be up all night or crash early. but i do think that i can at least get a tracklisting for inri014 done...
i actually didn't get a lot of sleep last night so i don't know if i'll be up all night or crash early. but i do think that i can at least get a tracklisting for inri014 done...
Friday, July 29, 2016
back to schizoid (inri014)
i'm back to this, now, which is the final thing to finish before i can close my first lp.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/schizoid-terrorist-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/schizoid-terrorist-2
finalizing on sexual confusion in adolescence (inri013)
audio permanently closed for inri013.
==
this was not initially constructed as a standalone work, but it became one almost the moment that it was constructed. there was always an intent to combine the sexuality themed tracks together at the front of my first record, but the initial idea was something more like frontloading the disc than building a cohesive work. it just happened to build itself up that way, and was truly apparent as such on the very first listen. even the phantom of the opera cover in the middle of the track became topical in a sort of subversive way.
i first broke the piece off into a standalone file in the spring of 2014 as a mirror image to the sequence that ends my second record, which actually *was* consciously written as a single work all the way back in 1996 (and appears that way at the end of the very first demo tape). i thought that if the second record was going to have an epic then the first should as well. as the first six tracks had long been a subset in my mind, this was a natural thing to do. the title of the track was first published as an upload to youtube in mar, 2014 on the deathtokoalas channel, which is now deleted.
i did not initially number these tracks as symphonies due to their incorporation of childish vocals, although i had planned to include them on any symphonic compilation discs, nonetheless. i saw them more as proto-symphonies - or just as beginner epics, where i was finding my feet but ultimately still working out ideas.
it wasn't until i finished reclaiming my 1998 demos from tape at the end of 2015 that i realized that i could resequence my first two records from scratch and republish them as instrumental works. the ability to reclaim these two epics as instrumental works, and consequently as full symphonies, followed as a corollary of this. it was consequently not until january, 2016 that i finally elevated the instrumental reconstruction of this recording to the level of my first official symphony, which is where it will now exist into perpetuity: eternally, finally.
the focus in reconstruction was to erect a final version rather than conform to the original mix, so later versions were prioritized over earlier ones. the first through fourth sections are very similar to the original album mix, whereas the fifth and sixth sections have been replaced with expanded mixes.
once the instrumental version had been constructed for the record, i felt i had lost something by removing the vocals - or at least some of them. in the context of the improved master, i felt an edited vocal take could actually elevate the symphony to a different and surreal level, if presented in the right context. this context could not be on the record, though, which had to be fully instrumental. instead, i decided to place the vocal reconstruction as a standalone single, with the instrumental as a flip side to it.
this is an incredibly dense piece of music that i'm proud to finally place in the serious part of my discography.
written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. sequenced on jan 6-7, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2014 & 2015. released jan 7, 2016. finalized on july 29, 2016. this is my first symphony; as always, please use headphones.
section one: initially written & recorded in 1997. re-recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.
section two: initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 18, 2015. sequenced jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.
section three: initially written by andrew lloyd webber. recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.
section four: originally created in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 5, 2015. expanded & sequenced on jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.
section five: written june, 1998. reimagined june, 2001. slightly rearranged and re-rendered at the end of july, 2014. rearranged again at the end of may, 2015. remastered from the 2014 & 2015 sources on jan 6, 2016.
section six: initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. vocals and electronics added on july 16, 2015. sequenced on jan 6, 2016.
==
this was not initially constructed as a standalone work, but it became one almost the moment that it was constructed. there was always an intent to combine the sexuality themed tracks together at the front of my first record, but the initial idea was something more like frontloading the disc than building a cohesive work. it just happened to build itself up that way, and was truly apparent as such on the very first listen. even the phantom of the opera cover in the middle of the track became topical in a sort of subversive way.
i first broke the piece off into a standalone file in the spring of 2014 as a mirror image to the sequence that ends my second record, which actually *was* consciously written as a single work all the way back in 1996 (and appears that way at the end of the very first demo tape). i thought that if the second record was going to have an epic then the first should as well. as the first six tracks had long been a subset in my mind, this was a natural thing to do. the title of the track was first published as an upload to youtube in mar, 2014 on the deathtokoalas channel, which is now deleted.
i did not initially number these tracks as symphonies due to their incorporation of childish vocals, although i had planned to include them on any symphonic compilation discs, nonetheless. i saw them more as proto-symphonies - or just as beginner epics, where i was finding my feet but ultimately still working out ideas.
it wasn't until i finished reclaiming my 1998 demos from tape at the end of 2015 that i realized that i could resequence my first two records from scratch and republish them as instrumental works. the ability to reclaim these two epics as instrumental works, and consequently as full symphonies, followed as a corollary of this. it was consequently not until january, 2016 that i finally elevated the instrumental reconstruction of this recording to the level of my first official symphony, which is where it will now exist into perpetuity: eternally, finally.
the focus in reconstruction was to erect a final version rather than conform to the original mix, so later versions were prioritized over earlier ones. the first through fourth sections are very similar to the original album mix, whereas the fifth and sixth sections have been replaced with expanded mixes.
once the instrumental version had been constructed for the record, i felt i had lost something by removing the vocals - or at least some of them. in the context of the improved master, i felt an edited vocal take could actually elevate the symphony to a different and surreal level, if presented in the right context. this context could not be on the record, though, which had to be fully instrumental. instead, i decided to place the vocal reconstruction as a standalone single, with the instrumental as a flip side to it.
this is an incredibly dense piece of music that i'm proud to finally place in the serious part of my discography.
written and demoed from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. sequenced on jan 6-7, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2014 & 2015. released jan 7, 2016. finalized on july 29, 2016. this is my first symphony; as always, please use headphones.
section one: initially written & recorded in 1997. re-recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.
section two: initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 18, 2015. sequenced jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.
section three: initially written by andrew lloyd webber. recorded in 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. remastered from various sources on jan 6, 2016.
section four: originally created in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed on july 5, 2015. expanded & sequenced on jan 6, 2016. vocals added on jan 7, 2016.
section five: written june, 1998. reimagined june, 2001. slightly rearranged and re-rendered at the end of july, 2014. rearranged again at the end of may, 2015. remastered from the 2014 & 2015 sources on jan 6, 2016.
section six: initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. vocals and electronics added on july 16, 2015. sequenced on jan 6, 2016.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
ok, so i should have probably expected that i would have been a little
distracted by the primaries, but this is the end of day three of
aimlessness and i didn't want this at all.
i've moved my laptop back into my bedroom to re-establish a separation between play and labour. the dangerously obese, parasitic piece of shit upstairs will not relent on the air conditioner (which i'm paying for), so the heat is currently set to 31 degrees celsius - and i'm willing to increase it further. this has an effect on alertness, but it's better than living in a fucking fridge.
i still haven't heard back from the mri and it's still eating at me. but i'm at least a little more focused. i think.
i need to be a little bit more strict with myself because i want to finish what is in front of me by the end of the week so i can get all the between-things things done at the end of the month.
i've moved my laptop back into my bedroom to re-establish a separation between play and labour. the dangerously obese, parasitic piece of shit upstairs will not relent on the air conditioner (which i'm paying for), so the heat is currently set to 31 degrees celsius - and i'm willing to increase it further. this has an effect on alertness, but it's better than living in a fucking fridge.
i still haven't heard back from the mri and it's still eating at me. but i'm at least a little more focused. i think.
i need to be a little bit more strict with myself because i want to finish what is in front of me by the end of the week so i can get all the between-things things done at the end of the month.
j reacts to the impossibility of feminine men within hierarchical heteropatriarchy
"so why don't you just be a girly dude."
i just got that one. again. the reason is that you can't actually live that way.
i'll just show up to work in a skirt, right? ok, maybe that's not as out there as it was even a few years ago. here's another example that cuts a lot deeper: women just don't ask guys out.
so, why don't i show initiative? why don't i take control? why don't i be a man about it?.
whatever the answers to those questions, i think it gets the point across: you can't just be a girly dude. i think it's a lot easier to be a masculine female. you may even get a little privilege out of it. but, the premise you're throwing at me just really isn't actually feasible, and i don't think that you need to be queer to be cognizant of it.
do you know what would have actually happened had i shown up to work at microsoft in a skirt?
they'd have sent me to hr, and off to a psychiatric assessment - where i would have been given hormones, and probably the option to go on leave for a few months. i may have even been transferred.
...because it was fucking microsoft.
in canada.
it would have been a little different at a mcdonalds in dallas.
but, you get the point. it's not a real option.
i just got that one. again. the reason is that you can't actually live that way.
i'll just show up to work in a skirt, right? ok, maybe that's not as out there as it was even a few years ago. here's another example that cuts a lot deeper: women just don't ask guys out.
so, why don't i show initiative? why don't i take control? why don't i be a man about it?.
whatever the answers to those questions, i think it gets the point across: you can't just be a girly dude. i think it's a lot easier to be a masculine female. you may even get a little privilege out of it. but, the premise you're throwing at me just really isn't actually feasible, and i don't think that you need to be queer to be cognizant of it.
do you know what would have actually happened had i shown up to work at microsoft in a skirt?
they'd have sent me to hr, and off to a psychiatric assessment - where i would have been given hormones, and probably the option to go on leave for a few months. i may have even been transferred.
...because it was fucking microsoft.
in canada.
it would have been a little different at a mcdonalds in dallas.
but, you get the point. it's not a real option.
i've added a new release type...
format:
single: $5
ep: $7
lp: $10
double ep (split digital/physical): $10
double ep (both physical): $14
double lp: $20
this comes up twice in a row, with inri013 and inri014. on the one hand, i have a physical cd (or official cd-length digital release) that i'd like to publish. inri013 is 70+ minutes over two tracks, whereas inri014 is more typical in being a little less than an hour (still a long single). but, i've also decided to be comprehensive over each release, so i've obligated myself to releasing all relevant outtakes - which is an additional hour for inri013 and a whopping 75 minutes for inri014. in both cases, i could not fit the release & bonus material on a single disc. these are also the first two examples of this happening. so, for example, the release for inri009 is 53 minutes, and with outtakes runs to 67 minutes - less than the length of a physical cd, so theoretically packageable. if i were to in theory package inri013 or inri014 with bonus material, i would need two discs. but, i don't actually want to do that, and i have no plans to ever press the releases that way. so, rather than orphan the material, i'd rather drop it on to these download-only virtual discs.
but, then the problem is that i'm releasing double records for the price of an ep. what i'm trying to be more than anything else with the pricing is consistent. the solution i've come up with is to split the difference..
i'm feeling a little more grounded today, but we'll see how things unfold. i very much hope that i get some response on the mri....
format:
single: $5
ep: $7
lp: $10
double ep (split digital/physical): $10
double ep (both physical): $14
double lp: $20
this comes up twice in a row, with inri013 and inri014. on the one hand, i have a physical cd (or official cd-length digital release) that i'd like to publish. inri013 is 70+ minutes over two tracks, whereas inri014 is more typical in being a little less than an hour (still a long single). but, i've also decided to be comprehensive over each release, so i've obligated myself to releasing all relevant outtakes - which is an additional hour for inri013 and a whopping 75 minutes for inri014. in both cases, i could not fit the release & bonus material on a single disc. these are also the first two examples of this happening. so, for example, the release for inri009 is 53 minutes, and with outtakes runs to 67 minutes - less than the length of a physical cd, so theoretically packageable. if i were to in theory package inri013 or inri014 with bonus material, i would need two discs. but, i don't actually want to do that, and i have no plans to ever press the releases that way. so, rather than orphan the material, i'd rather drop it on to these download-only virtual discs.
but, then the problem is that i'm releasing double records for the price of an ep. what i'm trying to be more than anything else with the pricing is consistent. the solution i've come up with is to split the difference..
i'm feeling a little more grounded today, but we'll see how things unfold. i very much hope that i get some response on the mri....
i think that a big part of the reason that i'm floaty is the mri. it's some kind of repressed anxiety. even when i'm not explicitly thinking about it....
we'll have to see what it says. but, i guess the next thing to check is my jaw, if my ear comes back clean. but, i'm kind of still convinced there's something in there. it sure feels like it...
the other big thing i'm concerned about is if it comes back with lesions. i'm actually becoming more and more convinced that it's lyme disease. i had said i would get that checked last month, but i decided i should wait for the mri, first. short of finding a giant tumour in my eustachian tube, that's almost certainly going to be the next thing i check.
you can imagine it's a little distracting. so, cut me some slack for a few days, here.
we'll have to see what it says. but, i guess the next thing to check is my jaw, if my ear comes back clean. but, i'm kind of still convinced there's something in there. it sure feels like it...
the other big thing i'm concerned about is if it comes back with lesions. i'm actually becoming more and more convinced that it's lyme disease. i had said i would get that checked last month, but i decided i should wait for the mri, first. short of finding a giant tumour in my eustachian tube, that's almost certainly going to be the next thing i check.
you can imagine it's a little distracting. so, cut me some slack for a few days, here.
i've been floating all day. i dunno. i'm chipping away at it, but i'm having a hard time focusing.
i'll at least get inri013 closed tonight. we'll have to see about inri014. a little disappointing. i've been reading, watching youtube, ranting...just not focused...
to clarify...
*13 - epic ep
*14 - schizoid ep single
*15 - lp
*16 - eat my fuck ep
17 - stupid ep single
(skinny puppy tribute)
18 - epic 2 ep
19 - boogeyman ep single
20 - lp2
*21 - inrijected (outtakes) ep
*22 - inimixed (glitch mixes) ep
*23 - inriclaimed (direct from tape over 2015, all instrumental) unofficial lp
*24 - inricited (all vocal ep) ep
25 - too cold single
that closes 1.2, and pushes me back into the 1.3 sequence, which is already done.
* basically done
i'll at least get inri013 closed tonight. we'll have to see about inri014. a little disappointing. i've been reading, watching youtube, ranting...just not focused...
to clarify...
*13 - epic ep
*14 - schizoid ep single
*15 - lp
*16 - eat my fuck ep
17 - stupid ep single
(skinny puppy tribute)
18 - epic 2 ep
19 - boogeyman ep single
20 - lp2
*21 - inrijected (outtakes) ep
*22 - inimixed (glitch mixes) ep
*23 - inriclaimed (direct from tape over 2015, all instrumental) unofficial lp
*24 - inricited (all vocal ep) ep
25 - too cold single
that closes 1.2, and pushes me back into the 1.3 sequence, which is already done.
* basically done
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
i just wanted to let you know that i actually can’t stand “indie rock culture” and am simply befuddled by the idea that i may be associated with it in the minds of others. i just don’t know where this idea came from. it’s not even close.
my tastes are pretty eclectic. but, “indie rock” fits about as well into my music tastes as opera does. which isn’t to say that the idea is entirely absent, so much as to say that i’m really pretty far on the fringes of it.
as a culture, though, i think the “indie rock scene” is flat out revolting. it’s not at all something that i would go out of my way to associate myself with.
outside of the group of misfits that i was friends with in high school (which was basically just the scattered outcasts - various ethnic minorities and a couple of goths), the only social grouping that i’ve ever gone out of my way to spend any time in was occupy. i bill myself as an introvert for a reason. i’m just not somebody that likes to spend time with people, or that enjoys making friends.
my tastes are pretty eclectic. but, “indie rock” fits about as well into my music tastes as opera does. which isn’t to say that the idea is entirely absent, so much as to say that i’m really pretty far on the fringes of it.
as a culture, though, i think the “indie rock scene” is flat out revolting. it’s not at all something that i would go out of my way to associate myself with.
outside of the group of misfits that i was friends with in high school (which was basically just the scattered outcasts - various ethnic minorities and a couple of goths), the only social grouping that i’ve ever gone out of my way to spend any time in was occupy. i bill myself as an introvert for a reason. i’m just not somebody that likes to spend time with people, or that enjoys making friends.
refocusing towards on sexual confusion in adolescence (inri013)
so, we’re back to this for the day.
i don’t expect to modify it. i just expect to close it.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence
i don’t expect to modify it. i just expect to close it.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence
Monday, July 25, 2016
j reacts to the absurdity of stealing low quality audio streams
i've been noticing that the bandcamp site is getting many times more visitors than plays. so far in july, i have just over 1100 visits and just under 400 plays. one would expect the opposite. even if everybody shows up and just skips through three songs, that's still three times as many plays as visits. how can i have a third as many plays as visits? what are people doing on my bandcamp site - which has little besides a play button - if not listening?
my best guess is that this is a metric regarding just how bad the problem of bandcamp downloading is. i'd just like to make a few comments.
first: please recognize that i don't prostitute myself to capitalism by selling my labour for a wage, and i'm never going to ever again. this is a basic political position of mine. i consider it more noble to live on welfare than to sell my labour for a wage. for the same reason, i don't have a record label, and i don't want one. i don't make money through advertising, and i don't want to. i'm pushing the point out of principle: do you not think you have an obligation to pay for something if you're enjoying it? i just don't understand the thought process that would take somebody to an audio site to download a low quality file out of the stream that only exists for promo purposes, then tell me i should force people to listen to an ad for condoms if i want to eat. that's not the world i want to live in. that's the world i want to abolish.
second: there's no way around this. if you can stream something, you can pirate it. but, again: i can't understand why this is the arrangement that you actually want.
third: the pirated version that you're getting is absolutely shit. my music is very sonically complex. the 128 kbps mp3 that you're streaming is really worth what you're paying for. i have to clarify that you're not actually getting a proper representation of the sound, that way. i'm not exaggerating, either. there's a reason that i am constantly requesting that you listen to the music though headphones. if you're going to listen through a shitty mp3 (no doubt on your phone speakers or on laptop speakers), you're barely even getting an approximation of it. again, i don't understand what you're getting out of this. this isn't vocally driven music. if you're not listening to the arrangements, what are you listening to? as an example, the most recent track that i uploaded is mixed in such a way that i literally cannot hear the bass part on my laptop speakers. it's not the first time i've noticed this, either. you really need to be listening to it in flac, and through a decent setup. the stream can only give you a taste. to steal the stream is to completely miss the point.
fourth: broadly speaking, i think you're missing the point. the message that sends to me is that you don't understand the art. so, why are you listening to it? you can barely hear it, and you don't understand it.
so, it's hard for me to get angry. it's less that i feel like i'm a victim of theft, and more that i feel like i'm not getting my ideas across very well. or, maybe i am. after all, one of my main messages is the ubiquity of human stupidity. perhaps you're just demonstrating the point.
if you're going to listen to this at all, please do yourself the favour of downloading it in high quality - and listening to it through headphones. that's not a hollow request. you cannot possibly understand what i'm creating, otherwise.
my best guess is that this is a metric regarding just how bad the problem of bandcamp downloading is. i'd just like to make a few comments.
first: please recognize that i don't prostitute myself to capitalism by selling my labour for a wage, and i'm never going to ever again. this is a basic political position of mine. i consider it more noble to live on welfare than to sell my labour for a wage. for the same reason, i don't have a record label, and i don't want one. i don't make money through advertising, and i don't want to. i'm pushing the point out of principle: do you not think you have an obligation to pay for something if you're enjoying it? i just don't understand the thought process that would take somebody to an audio site to download a low quality file out of the stream that only exists for promo purposes, then tell me i should force people to listen to an ad for condoms if i want to eat. that's not the world i want to live in. that's the world i want to abolish.
second: there's no way around this. if you can stream something, you can pirate it. but, again: i can't understand why this is the arrangement that you actually want.
third: the pirated version that you're getting is absolutely shit. my music is very sonically complex. the 128 kbps mp3 that you're streaming is really worth what you're paying for. i have to clarify that you're not actually getting a proper representation of the sound, that way. i'm not exaggerating, either. there's a reason that i am constantly requesting that you listen to the music though headphones. if you're going to listen through a shitty mp3 (no doubt on your phone speakers or on laptop speakers), you're barely even getting an approximation of it. again, i don't understand what you're getting out of this. this isn't vocally driven music. if you're not listening to the arrangements, what are you listening to? as an example, the most recent track that i uploaded is mixed in such a way that i literally cannot hear the bass part on my laptop speakers. it's not the first time i've noticed this, either. you really need to be listening to it in flac, and through a decent setup. the stream can only give you a taste. to steal the stream is to completely miss the point.
fourth: broadly speaking, i think you're missing the point. the message that sends to me is that you don't understand the art. so, why are you listening to it? you can barely hear it, and you don't understand it.
so, it's hard for me to get angry. it's less that i feel like i'm a victim of theft, and more that i feel like i'm not getting my ideas across very well. or, maybe i am. after all, one of my main messages is the ubiquity of human stupidity. perhaps you're just demonstrating the point.
if you're going to listen to this at all, please do yourself the favour of downloading it in high quality - and listening to it through headphones. that's not a hollow request. you cannot possibly understand what i'm creating, otherwise.
no, that nap didn't stick. i'm not sleepy, i'm just kind of drained. sort of bloated from too much pop. again: i can't handle the air conditioning, so i have the heat up higher than i'd like, which is draining. but, i mean the other option is being cold. i'd rather be hot and tired than fucking cold...
the only way that i really know how to deal with that is to turn the heat up to 30 and then open the window. that completely overpowers the air, but it's expensive for the building. so i keep wavering on it, then falling back on it.
it would just be so much easier if he'd turn the a/c down to a point where it's not affecting me. i keep pointing this out. i shouldn't and don't care about him. it's just that he's affecting this unit, because he's being unreasonable. i'm consequently forced to respond with force. you have to fight back in this world. but i wanted to say something else...
the only way that i really know how to deal with that is to turn the heat up to 30 and then open the window. that completely overpowers the air, but it's expensive for the building. so i keep wavering on it, then falling back on it.
it would just be so much easier if he'd turn the a/c down to a point where it's not affecting me. i keep pointing this out. i shouldn't and don't care about him. it's just that he's affecting this unit, because he's being unreasonable. i'm consequently forced to respond with force. you have to fight back in this world. but i wanted to say something else...
well, i'm caught up to the end of the week - but i'm out of batteries. the rants were just really long. i'm going to have to finish it when i have a backup, which may not be for a few days. it's about 15 hours to charge. i have three sets. so, i try to keep one extra, but it gets bogged down from time to time. some times, i have two backups. sometimes i run out. i should probably get some more, soon. i should be out that way in a few days for a compost run.
i'm going to catch a nap, and try to be up a little after midnight. this has been a weird day all around. it might be fruitless, but i could still wake up, too.
i'm going to catch a nap, and try to be up a little after midnight. this has been a weird day all around. it might be fruitless, but i could still wake up, too.
"i think the mri itself is closer to what i listen to than the radio station in the headphones."
i got some sleep when i got back and am just waking up now. this is a better part of the day to be awake for the coming turn over to mixing album 2, so i should be aiming for overnights.
i'm going to need to take the afternoon aside for vlog recitation. this won't be a long process, i hope.
i got some sleep when i got back and am just waking up now. this is a better part of the day to be awake for the coming turn over to mixing album 2, so i should be aiming for overnights.
i'm going to need to take the afternoon aside for vlog recitation. this won't be a long process, i hope.
looking forward to on sexual confusion in adolescence (inri013)
i'm
done for the night - i want to get a short rest in before the mri. but,
this is the first half of what is about to be a major release, some
time in the next few days.
it's the first six tracks of my first official record: first with minimal vocals, then completely instrumental. the record is instrumental. three of these tracks were just released as singles. the other three are connecting, instrumental tracks.
this is really pretty epic. no exaggeration. 36 minutes. and, i refer to it as my first symphony.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence
it's the first six tracks of my first official record: first with minimal vocals, then completely instrumental. the record is instrumental. three of these tracks were just released as singles. the other three are connecting, instrumental tracks.
this is really pretty epic. no exaggeration. 36 minutes. and, i refer to it as my first symphony.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence
publishing i think i feel much better now (inri012)
audio permanently closed for inri012.
==
the roots of this track are a variation on a common theme. this is taken from the write-up for the initial 1996 demo version of the track:
"more silly teenage angst, intersecting with more rejection of religion and quite a bit of misanthropy. i may make an interesting observation or two, but the reality here is that i sound just as brainwashed as the masses of people i was looking down on...and if i'm going to criticize myself, or feel embarrassed, it's on that level of a lack of originality, rather than the actual content."
by 1998, the lyrics had been rewritten to be a little less angsty in an attempt to expand further on the secular humanist basis of the track. yet, i still don't really get over the irony inherent in the track. as much as i want to break free of mindlessness and conformity, i don't have anything particularly original to say. worse, the way i'm saying it is cliched, childish and kind of trite. for these reasons, i've decided to eject the vocal mixes from the official release altogether, although they are available here as a part of the download.
musically speaking, i initially actually wanted this track to be the basis of something more marketable. i remember listening to the first side of the initial demo and lamenting that it was void of anything i could really release as a single and then trying to come up with some kind of "jangle" or "college" rock thing to compensate for it. in the end, the track would warp into some kind of adult prog, but you can hear the initial buckian template in the guitar work.
as with a number of the other tracks from this period, i don't really want to walk anything back - i just wish that i had articulated myself better. it's not the subject matter that's cringey, it's the exact choice of words. yet, that's a scant excuse, in context. word choice is what writing is all about!
the decision to create a single for the track in 2016 was drawn out by two considerations. the first is that there are legitimately two distinct modern versions of the track, along with a collection of discarded mixes, and i do feel the need to offer them together as a package, as i have done with the other tracks. the other is that this is literally the only song on the first demo that is not offered in this format. i felt that it would be absurd for me to offer every track as a single except for this one.
the lead track on this single combines the album version with the connector that follows it on the record, which explains the chosen release date (the actual song was completed on march 22, 1998). that connector is one of the many pieces of sample art that i had created over this period in cool edit, using a number of basic manipulation tactics and noise generation techniques. i had to emulate this in 2016 in order to rebuild the record. while the result is not identical, it is actually pretty close.
initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015. sequenced on jan 10, 2016. released & finalized on july 24, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
this release is compiled on inriℵ0.
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
regarding the subject matter of the deleted vocals/lyrics, please see the following vlog (which is also available on inriℵ0):
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuhdwde1YKI&t=778s
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocals, sampling, found sound (printer), cool edit, digital wave editing, tapes, production
released may 22, 1998
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
1) this is the version that was sequenced for the record, before it was split into two tracks for it. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015. sequenced on jan 10, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
2) this is the version that was reconstructed in 2015 from the 1998 source tapes. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/aliens-are-more-likely-than-god-2
3) from the deleted inricycled B compilation. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. remastered in 2013. recycled jan 7, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/climb-up-a-cloud-to-combat-some-hideous-creatures-and-then-fly-away-hidden
4) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated oct 21, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/guh-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-2
5) deleted 2013 remaster of 1998 demo cd. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. dated dec 21, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now-2013-remaster-of-1998-cd-2
6) deleted original 1996 mix. initially written in 1996. dated nov 24, 1996.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/guh-1996-demo-2
7) deleted original 1998 sequence from the initial demo cd. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. the first section is from mar 22, 1998 and the second section is from may 22, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now-1998-cd-2
==
the roots of this track are a variation on a common theme. this is taken from the write-up for the initial 1996 demo version of the track:
"more silly teenage angst, intersecting with more rejection of religion and quite a bit of misanthropy. i may make an interesting observation or two, but the reality here is that i sound just as brainwashed as the masses of people i was looking down on...and if i'm going to criticize myself, or feel embarrassed, it's on that level of a lack of originality, rather than the actual content."
by 1998, the lyrics had been rewritten to be a little less angsty in an attempt to expand further on the secular humanist basis of the track. yet, i still don't really get over the irony inherent in the track. as much as i want to break free of mindlessness and conformity, i don't have anything particularly original to say. worse, the way i'm saying it is cliched, childish and kind of trite. for these reasons, i've decided to eject the vocal mixes from the official release altogether, although they are available here as a part of the download.
musically speaking, i initially actually wanted this track to be the basis of something more marketable. i remember listening to the first side of the initial demo and lamenting that it was void of anything i could really release as a single and then trying to come up with some kind of "jangle" or "college" rock thing to compensate for it. in the end, the track would warp into some kind of adult prog, but you can hear the initial buckian template in the guitar work.
as with a number of the other tracks from this period, i don't really want to walk anything back - i just wish that i had articulated myself better. it's not the subject matter that's cringey, it's the exact choice of words. yet, that's a scant excuse, in context. word choice is what writing is all about!
the decision to create a single for the track in 2016 was drawn out by two considerations. the first is that there are legitimately two distinct modern versions of the track, along with a collection of discarded mixes, and i do feel the need to offer them together as a package, as i have done with the other tracks. the other is that this is literally the only song on the first demo that is not offered in this format. i felt that it would be absurd for me to offer every track as a single except for this one.
the lead track on this single combines the album version with the connector that follows it on the record, which explains the chosen release date (the actual song was completed on march 22, 1998). that connector is one of the many pieces of sample art that i had created over this period in cool edit, using a number of basic manipulation tactics and noise generation techniques. i had to emulate this in 2016 in order to rebuild the record. while the result is not identical, it is actually pretty close.
initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015. sequenced on jan 10, 2016. released & finalized on july 24, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
this release is compiled on inriℵ0.
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
regarding the subject matter of the deleted vocals/lyrics, please see the following vlog (which is also available on inriℵ0):
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuhdwde1YKI&t=778s
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocals, sampling, found sound (printer), cool edit, digital wave editing, tapes, production
released may 22, 1998
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
1) this is the version that was sequenced for the record, before it was split into two tracks for it. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015. sequenced on jan 10, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
2) this is the version that was reconstructed in 2015 from the 1998 source tapes. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/aliens-are-more-likely-than-god-2
3) from the deleted inricycled B compilation. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. remastered in 2013. recycled jan 7, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/climb-up-a-cloud-to-combat-some-hideous-creatures-and-then-fly-away-hidden
4) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated oct 21, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/guh-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-2
5) deleted 2013 remaster of 1998 demo cd. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. dated dec 21, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now-2013-remaster-of-1998-cd-2
6) deleted original 1996 mix. initially written in 1996. dated nov 24, 1996.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/guh-1996-demo-2
7) deleted original 1998 sequence from the initial demo cd. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. the first section is from mar 22, 1998 and the second section is from may 22, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now-1998-cd-2
Sunday, July 24, 2016
so, i've tried a few different things with this track, but nothing's stuck. nor do i want to publish any of the vocals at all. there are actually some decent lines in the track, but i just don't see any value in producing a vocal version to hold to them out of context and don't see any point in including any of the previous vocal versions in the main presentation....
i guess there just isn't the same kind of thematic continuity. with the more ridiculous tracks, the one-liners really plowed the tracks forwards. there's nothing really like that, here. the chorus isn't really lyrically memorable. the better line is in the bridge:
"god's a fucking commie, but he still doesn't want me.
like russia, his demise is on the way: killed by the usa."
but, saving those two lines just isn't worth it. the original mixes will be available in the download and on the aleph disc, but not for streaming and not on any physical disc.
it's really just going to be a two-track single. pointless? no. because the flip has some value in isolation. this is a neat little tune, in the way that the guitars and bass intersect. check it out through phones.
i guess there just isn't the same kind of thematic continuity. with the more ridiculous tracks, the one-liners really plowed the tracks forwards. there's nothing really like that, here. the chorus isn't really lyrically memorable. the better line is in the bridge:
"god's a fucking commie, but he still doesn't want me.
like russia, his demise is on the way: killed by the usa."
but, saving those two lines just isn't worth it. the original mixes will be available in the download and on the aleph disc, but not for streaming and not on any physical disc.
it's really just going to be a two-track single. pointless? no. because the flip has some value in isolation. this is a neat little tune, in the way that the guitars and bass intersect. check it out through phones.
working on inri012 today
this is what i'm working on today...
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
it's funny that whenever i say i'm awake, i fall asleep within minutes.
whatever i end up releasing for wish, i'm going to wait. it was actually one of the first tracks i did with my keyboard; the vocal mix is dated to jan, 1998. yeah. the instrumental is dated to april. the glitch mix is dated to may. but, it didn't really get released until record #2 and i'd already decided i was going to release the first three tracks of the record as a single, dated to the summer of 1998.
i skipped this track during the reclamation process last summer because it was already instrumental, anyways. we'll see what happens. but i'm jumping over it, for now.
that means i'm back to the track 'think', which i'm going to do something or other for. there should be a lead track up soon, anyways.
whatever i end up releasing for wish, i'm going to wait. it was actually one of the first tracks i did with my keyboard; the vocal mix is dated to jan, 1998. yeah. the instrumental is dated to april. the glitch mix is dated to may. but, it didn't really get released until record #2 and i'd already decided i was going to release the first three tracks of the record as a single, dated to the summer of 1998.
i skipped this track during the reclamation process last summer because it was already instrumental, anyways. we'll see what happens. but i'm jumping over it, for now.
that means i'm back to the track 'think', which i'm going to do something or other for. there should be a lead track up soon, anyways.
23-07-2016: closing inri011, working through may/98 and defining inri012
tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/nope-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/slipping-away
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/weedin-the-yard
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/wish-r2d2-mix
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-phantom-of-the-washing-machine
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/nope-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/slipping-away
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/weedin-the-yard
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/wish-r2d2-mix
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-phantom-of-the-washing-machine
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1
Saturday, July 23, 2016
finalizing nope (inri011)
it's often remarked that there's a fine line between genius and idiocy.
it's less often remarked that there's an equally fine line between
wisdom and depression.
in early 1998, i was generating quite a bit of concern about my mental well being. ironically, i think this actually coincided with a period of very rapid mental development and maturation. i kind of just went to sleep one night as an immature teen and woke up the next morning as an overmature young adult. i can't really assign any kind of catalyst to it, either. while i haven't looked into this at all, i suspect it's a less uncommon phenomenon than might be imagined.
i should maybe give my parents, which at this point in time means my father and step-mother but primarily my father, a little bit of credit for at least being aware that my character underwent a fast and drastic shift from being kind of hyperactive and full of snarky wit to being quiet and sort of withdrawn. the immediate interpretation of such a shift is inevitably going to be that it is at least consistent with the onset of some kind of depression. so, i ended up dealing with the spanish inquisition for a while, regarding my shift in demeanor. was i alright? if i wasn't, would i tell him? would i agree to talk to somebody?
i did agree to talk to somebody, mostly to ease his own concerns. i mean, i just didn't see the need for him to be worrying about me like this.
the reality of the situation was that i had simply matured a little bit. sure: there were some real life concerns happening around me. life at 17 is not childhood any longer; it can be stressful. maybe that had affected me a little bit. but, depression? i didn't feel that i was suffering from anything. i just felt that my personality was asserting itself as something that was kind of stoic. i don't want to call myself a sociopath, exactly: stoicism gets the point across better. what's the point of getting irritable? what does it solve?
the doctor keyed in on some of the music i was listening to. now, it's the late 90s: right after grunge. people are still reeling from, like, kurt cobain copycat suicides. i was in a bit of a different musical head space than that, one defined mostly by nine inch nails (and including influences on nin and offshoots from it). that's actually considerably worse, on first glance, although i was aware of the fact that reznor was writing from the perspective of a character rather than from personal experience. the point is that i understood where the concern was coming from and was able to effectively articulate that point to the doctor. we agreed that i didn't necessarily need to be put on anti-depressants right away, but that i should accept a prescription and fill it at some point if i get overwhelmed.
so, i came home with a prescription and immediately hit the internet to research it. i didn't like what i found. i had explicitly told the doctor that i was experiencing a lack of emotional instability, not an excess of it. so, i didn't need to turn my emotions off; if anything, i would have benefited more from something that amplified my emotions more. the idea that i was depressed was just a misperception. nonetheless, the mere *idea* of taking drugs that would suppress my emotions and may have long term or permanent effects scared the hell out of me. the xfiles sample that appears on the original mix was something that i had put aside for future pro-atheist use but, after doing this research, became very relevant in a completely different context.
so, i wasn't keen on taking these drugs that were going to at best turn me into a zombie and at worst turn me into a mass murderer. nope. no thanks...
my dad pushed the point for quite a while, though. in his mind, i came home with a prescription and ought to fill it. this song is a reaction to his insistence, which i always knew was coming from a good place. in fact, he never really dropped the argument.
the doctor and i also talked a little bit about my own music, and how it was an outlet for various frustrations. i made the argument that, while i didn't feel depressed, i was nonetheless better off working out issues of the sort through art than i was taking pills. so, this song also exists on that kind of meta level.
in hindsight, i don't want to give off the impression that i reject psychology or the medicalization of depression. that is simply untrue. the honest truth is that i simply did not feel that i was suffering from any kind of depression. yet, i've also always been very uncomfortable with the way that this process unfolded. we talked for less than an hour, and i walked out with a prescription for a mind-altering substance that could have dramatically damaged me. why is there not more oversight in this process? one would think that i should have been given a blood test to determine if i actually had an imbalance or not. no doctor can determine an imbalance through intuition. that is flat out quackery! an imbalance must be measured. if it can be determined empirically, it ought to be reacted to. yet, i was never even tested.
as an artist, i'm glad that i had the presence of mind to reject the drugs at this age. i simply don't know what they would have done to me, or who i would be today had i taken them.
originally created in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 4, 2015. remixed july 15, 2015. vocals added jan 6, 2016. finalized on july 23, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1998, 2013, 2015, 2016).
credits:
j - guitars, effects, synth bass, synths, drum programming, sequencing, vocals, sampling, digital wave editing, production
in early 1998, i was generating quite a bit of concern about my mental well being. ironically, i think this actually coincided with a period of very rapid mental development and maturation. i kind of just went to sleep one night as an immature teen and woke up the next morning as an overmature young adult. i can't really assign any kind of catalyst to it, either. while i haven't looked into this at all, i suspect it's a less uncommon phenomenon than might be imagined.
i should maybe give my parents, which at this point in time means my father and step-mother but primarily my father, a little bit of credit for at least being aware that my character underwent a fast and drastic shift from being kind of hyperactive and full of snarky wit to being quiet and sort of withdrawn. the immediate interpretation of such a shift is inevitably going to be that it is at least consistent with the onset of some kind of depression. so, i ended up dealing with the spanish inquisition for a while, regarding my shift in demeanor. was i alright? if i wasn't, would i tell him? would i agree to talk to somebody?
i did agree to talk to somebody, mostly to ease his own concerns. i mean, i just didn't see the need for him to be worrying about me like this.
the reality of the situation was that i had simply matured a little bit. sure: there were some real life concerns happening around me. life at 17 is not childhood any longer; it can be stressful. maybe that had affected me a little bit. but, depression? i didn't feel that i was suffering from anything. i just felt that my personality was asserting itself as something that was kind of stoic. i don't want to call myself a sociopath, exactly: stoicism gets the point across better. what's the point of getting irritable? what does it solve?
the doctor keyed in on some of the music i was listening to. now, it's the late 90s: right after grunge. people are still reeling from, like, kurt cobain copycat suicides. i was in a bit of a different musical head space than that, one defined mostly by nine inch nails (and including influences on nin and offshoots from it). that's actually considerably worse, on first glance, although i was aware of the fact that reznor was writing from the perspective of a character rather than from personal experience. the point is that i understood where the concern was coming from and was able to effectively articulate that point to the doctor. we agreed that i didn't necessarily need to be put on anti-depressants right away, but that i should accept a prescription and fill it at some point if i get overwhelmed.
so, i came home with a prescription and immediately hit the internet to research it. i didn't like what i found. i had explicitly told the doctor that i was experiencing a lack of emotional instability, not an excess of it. so, i didn't need to turn my emotions off; if anything, i would have benefited more from something that amplified my emotions more. the idea that i was depressed was just a misperception. nonetheless, the mere *idea* of taking drugs that would suppress my emotions and may have long term or permanent effects scared the hell out of me. the xfiles sample that appears on the original mix was something that i had put aside for future pro-atheist use but, after doing this research, became very relevant in a completely different context.
so, i wasn't keen on taking these drugs that were going to at best turn me into a zombie and at worst turn me into a mass murderer. nope. no thanks...
my dad pushed the point for quite a while, though. in his mind, i came home with a prescription and ought to fill it. this song is a reaction to his insistence, which i always knew was coming from a good place. in fact, he never really dropped the argument.
the doctor and i also talked a little bit about my own music, and how it was an outlet for various frustrations. i made the argument that, while i didn't feel depressed, i was nonetheless better off working out issues of the sort through art than i was taking pills. so, this song also exists on that kind of meta level.
in hindsight, i don't want to give off the impression that i reject psychology or the medicalization of depression. that is simply untrue. the honest truth is that i simply did not feel that i was suffering from any kind of depression. yet, i've also always been very uncomfortable with the way that this process unfolded. we talked for less than an hour, and i walked out with a prescription for a mind-altering substance that could have dramatically damaged me. why is there not more oversight in this process? one would think that i should have been given a blood test to determine if i actually had an imbalance or not. no doctor can determine an imbalance through intuition. that is flat out quackery! an imbalance must be measured. if it can be determined empirically, it ought to be reacted to. yet, i was never even tested.
as an artist, i'm glad that i had the presence of mind to reject the drugs at this age. i simply don't know what they would have done to me, or who i would be today had i taken them.
originally created in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 4, 2015. remixed july 15, 2015. vocals added jan 6, 2016. finalized on july 23, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1998, 2013, 2015, 2016).
credits:
j - guitars, effects, synth bass, synths, drum programming, sequencing, vocals, sampling, digital wave editing, production
released april 29, 1998
i spent the morning making up the liner notes for inri010 (why) and the afternoon closing inri011 (nope). i've been a little distracted for the last few days. kind of anxious. i wish the weather would just stay around 30 in here, but i'm in a really epic war with the a/c upstairs. i keep turning the heat up to 32 or 33, then turning it off - it's the only way to avoid the refrigeration effect, without overheating. on some level, it's fucking awful. but, what else can i do? i don't want to wear a sweater in july. i don't even want to wear fucking pants.
i've had some difficulty with writing this up, but i'm getting to it. i think it should be up soon.
i've had some difficulty with writing this up, but i'm getting to it. i think it should be up soon.
yeah, but i don't care about "views". i'm not a vlogger, i'm a musician. the vlogs are ads for the music. and the store is over here. i've said it a thousand times, too.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/
i'd put some products up directly on youtube, but they demand that you use google wallet, which doesn't accept my debit card information because it's from a small bank in canada. nor do i have a credit card.
so, the store is at bandcamp. it's pinned, even. and, i'm openly transparent about this.
i mean, i could in theory use pay pal - which can interface with my bank account. but, google will not allow it. you must use wallet. which cannot interface with my bank account...
i don't want to sell you shirts or buttons or dildos or whatever the fuck else, either. you'll notice i don't wear logos, myself. ever. i just don't want to run a business selling merchandise. i have no interest in it...
the discography is currently a little bare, but it's coming up quickly and when i get over the hump in finishing period 1.2 it's going to really explode forwards to the end of period 2. so, give me a few more weeks, at the most. i'm just about caught up, finally, after the interference breakdown.
and, that mri is on monday morning. what i'm expecting to find is that my jaw is growing in crooked and it's fucking with my ear. i'll have to see what kind of remedies they can provide. but, i'll have to react further based on the scans...
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/
i'd put some products up directly on youtube, but they demand that you use google wallet, which doesn't accept my debit card information because it's from a small bank in canada. nor do i have a credit card.
so, the store is at bandcamp. it's pinned, even. and, i'm openly transparent about this.
i mean, i could in theory use pay pal - which can interface with my bank account. but, google will not allow it. you must use wallet. which cannot interface with my bank account...
i don't want to sell you shirts or buttons or dildos or whatever the fuck else, either. you'll notice i don't wear logos, myself. ever. i just don't want to run a business selling merchandise. i have no interest in it...
the discography is currently a little bare, but it's coming up quickly and when i get over the hump in finishing period 1.2 it's going to really explode forwards to the end of period 2. so, give me a few more weeks, at the most. i'm just about caught up, finally, after the interference breakdown.
and, that mri is on monday morning. what i'm expecting to find is that my jaw is growing in crooked and it's fucking with my ear. i'll have to see what kind of remedies they can provide. but, i'll have to react further based on the scans...
nope (inri011) is up next
this is next, and i don't expect to modify this release much - i just need to write the liner notes.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/nope-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/nope-2
22-07-2016: inri010.
tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1
Friday, July 22, 2016
publishing why (inri010)
audio permanently closed for inri010.
===
here's the biting, satirical, misanthropic anarchist jessica that you know and love! finally...
this is the first thing that shows up that's explicitly political in more than a social sense. the lyrics are clear, obvious and mixed very much to the front. here's the story on that: i'm emulating a beat-box situation. i'm a politician, tongue-in-cheek, with a sound system in the back. the paper crumpling sound in the middle is meant to represent me spoiling a ballot.
in hindsight, i suppose that the idea that i'm trying to get across is largely gramscian. in the language of modern memes, the track simply tells us to keep calm and vote for the status quo. but, you'll note that i'm focusing a lot on the deficit of discourse. this could be interpreted a few ways. you could think about how the function of advertising is to suppress thought, for example. however, what i was thinking at the time intersects most cleanly with the idea of the state functioning as the modern church. in this system, which does not only exist on the right, the politician is also a priest and enforces the same role of thought suppression that the church did in the middle ages. the politician herds the sheep into the polls to uphold the status quo; democracy consequently leads to stasis, and prevents any kind of real change. what i had actually read at this age was not gramsci or chomsky but orwell. yet, what's actually driving me is something closer to what we would today associate with dawkins - largely through asimov.
you'll note that i'm not particularly hopeful about the process, either - i don't have a lot of faith in humans to transcend this process of control. it's a deep form of misanthropy, with little way out. yet, my idea of human nature is that we are very malleable, not that we are fixed in perpetual assholery. even at this age, i realize that we are not doomed....
....we're just very poorly equipped to get our shit together.
initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. vocals added july 15, 2015. sequenced, released and finalized on july 22, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, synthesizers, found sound (paper crumpling), pick scrapes, tapes, noise generators, cool edit synthesis, sampling, vocals, digital wave editing, production
released april 19, 1998
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
1) when i reclaimed this track in the summer of 2015, i output a vocal version for the fun of it and then left it to sit for several months. no single was constructed on the initial run through in early 2016 because i had made the decision to not release vocal mixes. however, with the creation of the epic "on sexual confusion in adolescence", i have reversed that decision and decided to release select vocal tracks as singles. this track makes the cut. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. vocals added july 15, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-3
2) this version has been edited and sequenced for inclusion on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. sequenced and finalized on july 22, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-album-version
3) version reconstructed in 2015 from tape. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2015-reconstruction-from-1998-source-tapes
4) this is a glitchy, instrumental remix of the track that i only vaguely recall putting together. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. converted to stereo on sept 24, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-wtf-mix-2
5) from inricycled. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated dec 11, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/phased-out-a-robots-lament-2
6) deleted 2013 remaster of the 1998 demo, which would later appear on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. dated dec 24, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2013-remaster-of-1998-demo
7) deleted 1998 edit, which would later appear on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated and edited in april, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-original-1999-album-edit
8) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo cassette. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated oct 12, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-mix-2
9) deleted 1998 original, unsequenced mix. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. dated april 19, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-full-1998-mix-2
10) deleted original 1996 mix. initially written in 1996. dated oct 20, 1996.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/end-sequence-of-side-a-of-the-1996-demo-tape-2
===
here's the biting, satirical, misanthropic anarchist jessica that you know and love! finally...
this is the first thing that shows up that's explicitly political in more than a social sense. the lyrics are clear, obvious and mixed very much to the front. here's the story on that: i'm emulating a beat-box situation. i'm a politician, tongue-in-cheek, with a sound system in the back. the paper crumpling sound in the middle is meant to represent me spoiling a ballot.
in hindsight, i suppose that the idea that i'm trying to get across is largely gramscian. in the language of modern memes, the track simply tells us to keep calm and vote for the status quo. but, you'll note that i'm focusing a lot on the deficit of discourse. this could be interpreted a few ways. you could think about how the function of advertising is to suppress thought, for example. however, what i was thinking at the time intersects most cleanly with the idea of the state functioning as the modern church. in this system, which does not only exist on the right, the politician is also a priest and enforces the same role of thought suppression that the church did in the middle ages. the politician herds the sheep into the polls to uphold the status quo; democracy consequently leads to stasis, and prevents any kind of real change. what i had actually read at this age was not gramsci or chomsky but orwell. yet, what's actually driving me is something closer to what we would today associate with dawkins - largely through asimov.
you'll note that i'm not particularly hopeful about the process, either - i don't have a lot of faith in humans to transcend this process of control. it's a deep form of misanthropy, with little way out. yet, my idea of human nature is that we are very malleable, not that we are fixed in perpetual assholery. even at this age, i realize that we are not doomed....
....we're just very poorly equipped to get our shit together.
initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. vocals added july 15, 2015. sequenced, released and finalized on july 22, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, synthesizers, found sound (paper crumpling), pick scrapes, tapes, noise generators, cool edit synthesis, sampling, vocals, digital wave editing, production
released april 19, 1998
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
1) when i reclaimed this track in the summer of 2015, i output a vocal version for the fun of it and then left it to sit for several months. no single was constructed on the initial run through in early 2016 because i had made the decision to not release vocal mixes. however, with the creation of the epic "on sexual confusion in adolescence", i have reversed that decision and decided to release select vocal tracks as singles. this track makes the cut. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. vocals added july 15, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-3
2) this version has been edited and sequenced for inclusion on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. sequenced and finalized on july 22, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-album-version
3) version reconstructed in 2015 from tape. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2015-reconstruction-from-1998-source-tapes
4) this is a glitchy, instrumental remix of the track that i only vaguely recall putting together. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. converted to stereo on sept 24, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-wtf-mix-2
5) from inricycled. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated dec 11, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/phased-out-a-robots-lament-2
6) deleted 2013 remaster of the 1998 demo, which would later appear on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. dated dec 24, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2013-remaster-of-1998-demo
7) deleted 1998 edit, which would later appear on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated and edited in april, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-original-1999-album-edit
8) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo cassette. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated oct 12, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-mix-2
9) deleted 1998 original, unsequenced mix. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. dated april 19, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-full-1998-mix-2
10) deleted original 1996 mix. initially written in 1996. dated oct 20, 1996.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/end-sequence-of-side-a-of-the-1996-demo-tape-2
the first seven tracks are pretty final, for the physical cd. the last three uploads will be download-only bonus tracks.
re: the hip-hop thing - those are guitars, not tables. it's called "muting". you can hear the same sound in virtually any funk song. a related concept, the palm mute, is uses widely in metal. i acknowledge it sounds a little like a scratch, but it's again accidental - it's just meant to be a syncopated guitar muting.
re: the hip-hop thing - those are guitars, not tables. it's called "muting". you can hear the same sound in virtually any funk song. a related concept, the palm mute, is uses widely in metal. i acknowledge it sounds a little like a scratch, but it's again accidental - it's just meant to be a syncopated guitar muting.
why (album mix)
this version has been edited and sequenced for inclusion on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. sequenced and finalized on july 22, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-album-version
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-album-version
21-07-2016: fixing inri007, closing inri009, working through april/98 and defining inri010
tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-did-your-mom-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/convoy
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/wish
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-did-your-mom-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/convoy
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/wish
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1
Thursday, July 21, 2016
i mother earth & tea party at edgefest ninety.....bluesfest 2016?
i remember reading an article a few years ago about how the iconic canadian rock band, the tea party (often cited in the short list of best canadian rock bands of all time), refused to sell it's domain name to the corporate-dominated american political movement of the same name. rumours were running up to seven figures. yeah, they could have used the cash. but, which koch would have written that cheque?
i missed most of the preamble, but this combined track of an original (requiem) and a well known cover that he does regularly (hurt, by nine inch nails) was dedicated to the united states in the wake of rising racial tensions and police shootings. a requiem. it's not smug. you can dwell on "what have they become?". or you could dwell on "my sweetest friends". it's more about concern than superiority. but, it's a requiem, nonetheless - a requiem in the face of what is increasingly obvious american decline. would eight figures have shut him up?
how many times have i seen the band? i don't know. lots. so, getting a chance to see jeff martin play an acoustic set opening for a reformed i mother earth was a nice addition to the show, in the sense of it being a throw back. he played mostly tea party songs, and i don't think anybody was upset about it. but, i want to point out that seeing jeff martin play acoustic is not your average folk performance. i don' check setlists; i happened to catch a more toned down track, even as it was presented kind of heavily. most of the tracks featured foot driven percussion. he was playing a 12 string at one point (the badger). the truth is that he can fill the sound up on his own: he didn't really need to bring a band with him.
as it turns out, he brought one with him, anyways.
here is a full set from the same week:
given that jeff martin was coming home from australia for the set (something he pointed out as he was playing 'coming home'), it was sort of obvious that he would at least try and get his bandmates up on stage. and, it happened to work out. this is the complete band set, at the end of his solo set. the first track is a led zeppelin cover, and the second is a track from their first record, splendor solis.
yeah. you're not seeing things.
they're on a twenty year anniversary tour for scenery and fish, and i enjoyed every second of it. again: how many times did i see this band in the 90s? i don't know. lots. the setlist was pulled from both of their records. you can pick up from the footage that the audience knew all the words...
this show was pure nostalgia, and nobody pretended otherwise. i got everything i wanted out of it: some sing-alongs, some guitar freakouts, some drum circles - and even some pot floating around through the audience. score.
you can probably pick out almost immediately that this wasn't your average 90s alt rock band. i've argued pretty strongly that they really foreshadowed the sound developed by the mars volta, although they themselves were drawing heavily on the more progressive side of alternative rock: rhcp, jane's addiction, the smashing pumpkins. with a dash of rush, for canadiana? sure, even if the lyrical references are largely on the level of satirical post-modernism rather than serious objectivism. they were and remain viciously virtuosic on their instruments, and worth the price of admission simply for that fact.
if you weren't around to see it the first time, you're not going to get as much out of this. but, it's something that kind of got lost. to be clear: they were huge in canada. when they played edgefest '98, they co-headlined a concert that included green day and foofighters as opening acts. that's right: they didn't open for foofighters and green day. green day and foofighters opened for them. that's how big they were in canada, for a few years in the 90s.
they then completely imploded before they got a chance to build an audience outside of canada - the singer bolted and the band didn't recover. this is the original singer, apparently performing with the band for the first time in 18 years. so, it's something special for us old 90s canucks.
here is a full set from earlier in the month:
i walked out of this concert completely fried due to minimal sleep, overexposure to my ears (remember: i saw swans on tuesday, too), alcohol, nicotine and the other one that's still a few months away from open mention. so, i'm not done sleeping yet. but there was an experience near the end of the show that i want to say something about. it was one of those really surreal moments of racism that you just can't do much about besides point out loudly and shake your head about. so, i'm going to scream about it for a few paragraphs.
i mother earth were a kind of iconic canadian band in the 90s, and they were uniting here with a singer they hadn't played with in many years. the announcer said 18 years. i'm not sure if that's literally true or not, but it's been a while. the audience was consequently full of nostalgia: an older and mostly white crowd rocking out to records released in 1993 and 1996. much drinking, yes.
now, everybody knows you're not supposed to smoke anything at all in these kinds of outdoor bank concerts. you're just supposed to shut up and drink your over-priced beer. that is, of course, the economic purpose of this event: to sell over-priced beer. but, you can't actually enforce this rule once the sun comes down a little, the least important reason being that most people in the crowd at rock concerts like this actually don't agree with bans on smoking at outdoor concerts. many of them actually even smoke. and, not just cigarettes.
the smell of marijuana is pretty normal at outdoor rock concerts. it's a part of the experience - whether you're actually inhaling, or just taking in the aroma. it wouldn't be a real festival, without it. whatever the eventual legality of the substance in canada, that smell is not going to lift from the concerts of the nation. there will simply be a trail of corrected signs "thank you for pot smoking".
the spirit of this event, combined with the nature of the audience, actually at one point near the end of the set had joints passing around amongst strangers. somebody decided everybody at the show ought to be high. or it seemed that way. they were just circling around. my nose and eyes caught multiple burning around me.
so, i will acknowledge that there were people smoking pot in the audience. see, but that's just it - *everybody* in the audience was smoking pot. no exaggeration. nine out of ten, anyways.
so, you'll imagine how absurd it was to watch security swoop in, walk past several burning joints and key in on the only black guy in eyesight - who, yes, was caught green-handed. like, they took it out of his hand. ok. drug abuse. but, they had to blatantly walk by scores of stoned white folks to do this, and then scores more as they were escorting him out. 90 out of 100 people in the immediate audience were stoned. it was being openly passed around. but, only one person in the audience was black.
i didn't stay for the literal headliner, so i don't know if they came back later for more minorities, or even for some white folk - or maybe if they just backed off and let people have a good time. but i know what i saw and how obvious it was.
i don't really have any point besides the obvious one: it's really not ok. i don't know exactly who the security personnel were (mall cops?), either, but....i guess the way i should articulate this to organizers is that i don't want to see anything like that ever again.
of course, this has nothing to do with the band. the actual show was excellent, for what it was. tight. no fuck-ups. the tracks were identifiable, but expanded upon enough to play out. i'd need at least two hands to count the number of times i saw this band in the 90s, and they were always a strong live set like that. so, i will actually have some footage coming up in the next few days of i mother earth with edwin in 2016. that's something that is actually happening. there's some teaparty footage, too.
here is the vlog for the day:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2016/07/14.html
i missed most of the preamble, but this combined track of an original (requiem) and a well known cover that he does regularly (hurt, by nine inch nails) was dedicated to the united states in the wake of rising racial tensions and police shootings. a requiem. it's not smug. you can dwell on "what have they become?". or you could dwell on "my sweetest friends". it's more about concern than superiority. but, it's a requiem, nonetheless - a requiem in the face of what is increasingly obvious american decline. would eight figures have shut him up?
how many times have i seen the band? i don't know. lots. so, getting a chance to see jeff martin play an acoustic set opening for a reformed i mother earth was a nice addition to the show, in the sense of it being a throw back. he played mostly tea party songs, and i don't think anybody was upset about it. but, i want to point out that seeing jeff martin play acoustic is not your average folk performance. i don' check setlists; i happened to catch a more toned down track, even as it was presented kind of heavily. most of the tracks featured foot driven percussion. he was playing a 12 string at one point (the badger). the truth is that he can fill the sound up on his own: he didn't really need to bring a band with him.
as it turns out, he brought one with him, anyways.
here is a full set from the same week:
given that jeff martin was coming home from australia for the set (something he pointed out as he was playing 'coming home'), it was sort of obvious that he would at least try and get his bandmates up on stage. and, it happened to work out. this is the complete band set, at the end of his solo set. the first track is a led zeppelin cover, and the second is a track from their first record, splendor solis.
yeah. you're not seeing things.
they're on a twenty year anniversary tour for scenery and fish, and i enjoyed every second of it. again: how many times did i see this band in the 90s? i don't know. lots. the setlist was pulled from both of their records. you can pick up from the footage that the audience knew all the words...
this show was pure nostalgia, and nobody pretended otherwise. i got everything i wanted out of it: some sing-alongs, some guitar freakouts, some drum circles - and even some pot floating around through the audience. score.
you can probably pick out almost immediately that this wasn't your average 90s alt rock band. i've argued pretty strongly that they really foreshadowed the sound developed by the mars volta, although they themselves were drawing heavily on the more progressive side of alternative rock: rhcp, jane's addiction, the smashing pumpkins. with a dash of rush, for canadiana? sure, even if the lyrical references are largely on the level of satirical post-modernism rather than serious objectivism. they were and remain viciously virtuosic on their instruments, and worth the price of admission simply for that fact.
if you weren't around to see it the first time, you're not going to get as much out of this. but, it's something that kind of got lost. to be clear: they were huge in canada. when they played edgefest '98, they co-headlined a concert that included green day and foofighters as opening acts. that's right: they didn't open for foofighters and green day. green day and foofighters opened for them. that's how big they were in canada, for a few years in the 90s.
they then completely imploded before they got a chance to build an audience outside of canada - the singer bolted and the band didn't recover. this is the original singer, apparently performing with the band for the first time in 18 years. so, it's something special for us old 90s canucks.
here is a full set from earlier in the month:
i walked out of this concert completely fried due to minimal sleep, overexposure to my ears (remember: i saw swans on tuesday, too), alcohol, nicotine and the other one that's still a few months away from open mention. so, i'm not done sleeping yet. but there was an experience near the end of the show that i want to say something about. it was one of those really surreal moments of racism that you just can't do much about besides point out loudly and shake your head about. so, i'm going to scream about it for a few paragraphs.
i mother earth were a kind of iconic canadian band in the 90s, and they were uniting here with a singer they hadn't played with in many years. the announcer said 18 years. i'm not sure if that's literally true or not, but it's been a while. the audience was consequently full of nostalgia: an older and mostly white crowd rocking out to records released in 1993 and 1996. much drinking, yes.
now, everybody knows you're not supposed to smoke anything at all in these kinds of outdoor bank concerts. you're just supposed to shut up and drink your over-priced beer. that is, of course, the economic purpose of this event: to sell over-priced beer. but, you can't actually enforce this rule once the sun comes down a little, the least important reason being that most people in the crowd at rock concerts like this actually don't agree with bans on smoking at outdoor concerts. many of them actually even smoke. and, not just cigarettes.
the smell of marijuana is pretty normal at outdoor rock concerts. it's a part of the experience - whether you're actually inhaling, or just taking in the aroma. it wouldn't be a real festival, without it. whatever the eventual legality of the substance in canada, that smell is not going to lift from the concerts of the nation. there will simply be a trail of corrected signs "thank you for pot smoking".
the spirit of this event, combined with the nature of the audience, actually at one point near the end of the set had joints passing around amongst strangers. somebody decided everybody at the show ought to be high. or it seemed that way. they were just circling around. my nose and eyes caught multiple burning around me.
so, i will acknowledge that there were people smoking pot in the audience. see, but that's just it - *everybody* in the audience was smoking pot. no exaggeration. nine out of ten, anyways.
so, you'll imagine how absurd it was to watch security swoop in, walk past several burning joints and key in on the only black guy in eyesight - who, yes, was caught green-handed. like, they took it out of his hand. ok. drug abuse. but, they had to blatantly walk by scores of stoned white folks to do this, and then scores more as they were escorting him out. 90 out of 100 people in the immediate audience were stoned. it was being openly passed around. but, only one person in the audience was black.
i didn't stay for the literal headliner, so i don't know if they came back later for more minorities, or even for some white folk - or maybe if they just backed off and let people have a good time. but i know what i saw and how obvious it was.
i don't really have any point besides the obvious one: it's really not ok. i don't know exactly who the security personnel were (mall cops?), either, but....i guess the way i should articulate this to organizers is that i don't want to see anything like that ever again.
of course, this has nothing to do with the band. the actual show was excellent, for what it was. tight. no fuck-ups. the tracks were identifiable, but expanded upon enough to play out. i'd need at least two hands to count the number of times i saw this band in the 90s, and they were always a strong live set like that. so, i will actually have some footage coming up in the next few days of i mother earth with edwin in 2016. that's something that is actually happening. there's some teaparty footage, too.
here is the vlog for the day:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2016/07/14.html
i'm about to post inri010 which, like everything else since inri004, is a collection of mixes and masters stemming from a recording made in 1998. it's meant to be very industrial sounding. but, in 2016, it comes off as experimental hip-hop.
i've never listened to hip-hop directly. i've just never found anything that's abstract enough to catch my attention, yet coherent enough to keep it. but, i mean, i was listening to a lot of stuff in 1998 that was widely classified as industrial or idm but was often on the fringes of hip-hop: nin, autechre, smg, skinny puppy...
i just want to clarify my opinion of death grips, before this comes up. it doesn't sound like death grips. not exactly. it may be appealing to fans of that style...
it's just too macho. it's dude music. there's some basis for growth hidden in there. but, i'm never going to listen to death grips for the same reason that i'm never going to listen to limp bizkit or rage against the machine or gwar or whatever other macho dude-bro shit you want to throw around. on top of pushing the abrasive macho aesthetic, there's also an incredible lack of subtlety to balance it out. i "get" that criticizing death grips for a lack of subtlety is like criticizing a lioness for refusing to be ladylike. it's just not what it is. but, just about the only way i'm going to get into somebody beating their chest for an hour is if there is some layer of subtlety. a decent example of that is ministry, during their peak period. it was when they dropped the subtlety that they got boring.
about the only major rapper that i've been able to get a little into is ice cube, as he has a bit of a punk rock streak. by that, what i mean is that he has a tendency towards the surreal aspects of cynical political analysis. it's not every song....
what i'm getting at is that i understand that this is going to be easily misunderstood. but, let's take a step back first.
i've never listened to hip-hop directly. i've just never found anything that's abstract enough to catch my attention, yet coherent enough to keep it. but, i mean, i was listening to a lot of stuff in 1998 that was widely classified as industrial or idm but was often on the fringes of hip-hop: nin, autechre, smg, skinny puppy...
i just want to clarify my opinion of death grips, before this comes up. it doesn't sound like death grips. not exactly. it may be appealing to fans of that style...
it's just too macho. it's dude music. there's some basis for growth hidden in there. but, i'm never going to listen to death grips for the same reason that i'm never going to listen to limp bizkit or rage against the machine or gwar or whatever other macho dude-bro shit you want to throw around. on top of pushing the abrasive macho aesthetic, there's also an incredible lack of subtlety to balance it out. i "get" that criticizing death grips for a lack of subtlety is like criticizing a lioness for refusing to be ladylike. it's just not what it is. but, just about the only way i'm going to get into somebody beating their chest for an hour is if there is some layer of subtlety. a decent example of that is ministry, during their peak period. it was when they dropped the subtlety that they got boring.
about the only major rapper that i've been able to get a little into is ice cube, as he has a bit of a punk rock streak. by that, what i mean is that he has a tendency towards the surreal aspects of cynical political analysis. it's not every song....
what i'm getting at is that i understand that this is going to be easily misunderstood. but, let's take a step back first.
thinking through why (inri010)
ok, this is only the very start of this release. it's the raw vocal and instrumental mixes; it may not even be the final vocal mix.
i'm going to need to splice an album mix, which means doing some work on the big machine. and, i'm going to stop to get some toast first...
what i'm look at right now is likely:
1) vocal mix
2) album mix
3) inriclaimed mix
4) wtf mix (from inrimixed) -followed by thirty seconds of silence
5) 2013 remaster of 98 version
6) one of the 98 mixes. i have the full mix, which includes my dad getting my dog to howl (i don't know, don't ask...) and a really noisy bathroom fan. the cd and mp3 mixes are the same as each other, but different to this.
bonus mixes:
7) 2013 remix of 96 demo
8) one of the other 98 mixes.
9) original 96 sequence
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
i'm going to need to splice an album mix, which means doing some work on the big machine. and, i'm going to stop to get some toast first...
what i'm look at right now is likely:
1) vocal mix
2) album mix
3) inriclaimed mix
4) wtf mix (from inrimixed) -followed by thirty seconds of silence
5) 2013 remaster of 98 version
6) one of the 98 mixes. i have the full mix, which includes my dad getting my dog to howl (i don't know, don't ask...) and a really noisy bathroom fan. the cd and mp3 mixes are the same as each other, but different to this.
bonus mixes:
7) 2013 remix of 96 demo
8) one of the other 98 mixes.
9) original 96 sequence
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
i decided against the play. it's this thing called "mr. burns", some kind of musical about people bonding around the simpsons after the apocalypse and then the process taking a life of it's own. i like the premise. but, i....i find the medium to usually be kind of childish: adults prancing around in masks, singing off key to poorly composed music.
it would just be very hard to put a play together that would live up to my standards.
instead, i have continued the close/review process. i want a single for think, but i need to attach it to it's noise component, which pushes it back to the end of may. likewise, a single for wish could not exist until the end of may, either. that means that the new inri010 is for the track why. i'm currently putting this together. it should be finalized today or tomorrow.
this track has a vocal version that i'd like published, which puts it in the same category as the previous singles with vocal tracks. this category had been rejected the first time through, or at least until the very end. there's also a glitch mix and some various stuff from 96 and 98.
the track is actually one of my favourites from the early period. it works on the level of political satire, on the level of industrial/no-wave dance/noise punk, on the level of guitar music and also on the level of hip-hop - which was unintended at the time. i just always listened to art rock. where's the art rock equivalent style of hip-hop? if it's out there, i never found it. but i've always dabbled around it's idm and industrial fringes, too.
anyways, the ep is currently being condensed. it's 9 tracks right now. i should be able to get that down to 5 or 6. i'll post when it's ready.
it would just be very hard to put a play together that would live up to my standards.
instead, i have continued the close/review process. i want a single for think, but i need to attach it to it's noise component, which pushes it back to the end of may. likewise, a single for wish could not exist until the end of may, either. that means that the new inri010 is for the track why. i'm currently putting this together. it should be finalized today or tomorrow.
this track has a vocal version that i'd like published, which puts it in the same category as the previous singles with vocal tracks. this category had been rejected the first time through, or at least until the very end. there's also a glitch mix and some various stuff from 96 and 98.
the track is actually one of my favourites from the early period. it works on the level of political satire, on the level of industrial/no-wave dance/noise punk, on the level of guitar music and also on the level of hip-hop - which was unintended at the time. i just always listened to art rock. where's the art rock equivalent style of hip-hop? if it's out there, i never found it. but i've always dabbled around it's idm and industrial fringes, too.
anyways, the ep is currently being condensed. it's 9 tracks right now. i should be able to get that down to 5 or 6. i'll post when it's ready.
deathtokoalas
i've been saying for a while that trump = gadget.
it's like gta.
but, what i'm looking for is a screen shot of those swirly eyes that comes up whenever somebody gets under mind control. point me to the right episode, if you can?
Cheyenne Cook
I think you are thinking of episode 10...A Star Is Lost where Claw wants to use superstar Rick Rocker to make a record that can control minds
deathtokoalas
naw, that's not the one. but i found the screen shot i wanted in a christmas special, where they brainwashed the elves.
i've been saying for a while that trump = gadget.
it's like gta.
but, what i'm looking for is a screen shot of those swirly eyes that comes up whenever somebody gets under mind control. point me to the right episode, if you can?
Cheyenne Cook
I think you are thinking of episode 10...A Star Is Lost where Claw wants to use superstar Rick Rocker to make a record that can control minds
deathtokoalas
naw, that's not the one. but i found the screen shot i wanted in a christmas special, where they brainwashed the elves.
good morning. afternoon. evening and goodnight?
i've got the cover art for inri009 up, along with the link to the physical disc. in the process, i added a hidden track to inri007. so, i have three tracks now with inricycled b fragments - 006, 007, 009 - and they all show up as hidden tracks on the disc. that's a pattern. you'll notice these patterns, if you'd like to.
that closes everything up to the end of march, 1998 and i can't for a moment think of anything else i'd like to add to any of these releases, except the eventual liner notes at the twenty year final close point.
i'd like to see a play tonight. but, i'll be making choices about the remaining april tracks. i'm leaning towards the maximal exploration at this point.
i need to eat and then formally close inri009 over the vlog. so, this may be the last post until tommorow.
i've got the cover art for inri009 up, along with the link to the physical disc. in the process, i added a hidden track to inri007. so, i have three tracks now with inricycled b fragments - 006, 007, 009 - and they all show up as hidden tracks on the disc. that's a pattern. you'll notice these patterns, if you'd like to.
that closes everything up to the end of march, 1998 and i can't for a moment think of anything else i'd like to add to any of these releases, except the eventual liner notes at the twenty year final close point.
i'd like to see a play tonight. but, i'll be making choices about the remaining april tracks. i'm leaning towards the maximal exploration at this point.
i need to eat and then formally close inri009 over the vlog. so, this may be the last post until tommorow.
refinalizing confused (inri007)
hidden track added to inri007. audio permanently closed.
===
so, how exactly does one go about being transgendered, anyways? i mean, like anything else, i guess you have to come to terms with it, first. then, what?
it was the "what next?" part that took me a very long time to grapple with before i was able to come to some kind of course of action. i don't remember exactly how old i was when i realized that i was more like a girl than a boy, but i will state that my thought process was always that i was like a girl, rather than that i was a girl. i have to be blunt: i was a precocious child. i understood the biology of sexual organs at a pretty young age. i knew which organ i had, that it was the same as the one my dad had and that it was different than my mom. i never felt as though i was in the wrong body - that's not how i'd articulate it. i knew i was male. but, all my friends were girls. i preferred to do "girl things". so, i realized at a very, very young age that i was more similar to the girls in my life than to the boys, despite being well aware that i was genetically a boy. it functioned more on the level of social inclusion and conscious choice of gender role than it did on the level of anything biological. am i really that atypical? i don't know. but, i know that i never had any difficulty at all, whatsoever, in separating between sex, gender and gender roles. so, for example: i have very early memories of asking my mom to let me wear lipstick, and of asking to get my ears pierced (3,4 years old) but i don't attach those memories to feelings of gender dysphoria. i didn't see any reason why boys couldn't wear make-up. further, nobody really "corrected" me on it. so, i grew up without any shame or second thoughts attached to being a boy that was more like a girl, and consequently without any particularly strong urges to become a girl. my very early life actually finds it's best explanation in the theories of radical feminism: because the gender binary was never enforced on me, i never felt oppressed by it. i have to argue for a very healthy early upbringing.
what screwed me up and set me back a good ten years was the school system. when i got there at the age of four and a half, i wouldn't talk to the boys. i wanted to skip rope and play hopscotch with the girls. well, all my friends were girls. i didn't know how to play with the boys. what's a marble? i just didn't know. i got stuck with a fossil of a kindergarten teacher that actually flat out banned me from skipping rope. worse, she banned me from reading books. my absolutely docile and clinically rational temperament at that age probably worked against me. but, i had two choices: i could play with the trucks with the boys in the corner or i could go to sleep.
in fact, i slept a lot.
but, gradually, the system socialized me as a male. or, at least it seemed like it did.
my path through elementary school didn't really ease up on the gender segregation until the seventh grade, at which point it was essentially too late. the system had successfully prevented me from socializing with girls, but had never taught me how to socialize with boys. so, i had spent the last twelve years of school in social isolation, usually without any friends at all. i'd lost the opportunity to have all the gendered experiences one associates with childhood - which means i was deeply socially stunted. i was still pretty smart, academically speaking. however, i was operating at the social level of a much younger child because the school system had arrested my social development through segregating me into a gender role that i didn't understand how to fulfill.
by the time i got around to writing this song at the age of 16, i'd just become entirely stoic about the whole thing. i knew i was more like a girl, but what exactly was i going to do about it? i guess i had the perspective, at 16, that life was largely about managing misfortune and you just have to deal with shit, whether you like it or not.
rational? perhaps, from a certain perspective. it gnawed at me, though. the trauma underlying the track was the realization that i was a good part of the way through puberty, without ever having signed up for it. this was by no means unexpected, either, and i didn't ultimately feel that i had any recourse of action in preventing it. but, i felt like i'd been cheated out of something and was being forced into something i didn't remotely want.
as with the rest of the early tracks, the lyrics here are at their core the exploration of a morbid fantasy. i'm taking things too far, i'm taking any excuse i can to keep taking things too far and i'm enjoying watching you squirm when i do it. in one sense, it's a sarcastic allegory on the question of thinking with one's cock, which is a bio-chemical problem that all testosterone producers are forced to come to terms with at some point. in another sense, it's a transgendered teenager carrying out a sort of morbid fantasy and desperately looking for a way to prevent the masculinization of my body.
it took me another five years or so of internal struggle before i could get to the point where i saw hormone therapy as a realistic option, rather than a kind of utopian fantasy that would be perpetually out of reach until i finally expired.
this is the only period 1 piece that was further expanded through the addition of some bass and piano sequencing near the start of the piece. the vocals were also brought back in without redaction. so, this ep starts off with a full reconstruction of the piece that is only available on this single. the ep further comprehensively documents all other released versions of the track.
initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. electronics added on july 16, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. sequenced on jan 6-8, 2016. finalized on july 10, 2016. hidden track added and refinalized on july 21, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, synthesizers, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, sampling, digital wave editing, production
released february 6, 1998
===
so, how exactly does one go about being transgendered, anyways? i mean, like anything else, i guess you have to come to terms with it, first. then, what?
it was the "what next?" part that took me a very long time to grapple with before i was able to come to some kind of course of action. i don't remember exactly how old i was when i realized that i was more like a girl than a boy, but i will state that my thought process was always that i was like a girl, rather than that i was a girl. i have to be blunt: i was a precocious child. i understood the biology of sexual organs at a pretty young age. i knew which organ i had, that it was the same as the one my dad had and that it was different than my mom. i never felt as though i was in the wrong body - that's not how i'd articulate it. i knew i was male. but, all my friends were girls. i preferred to do "girl things". so, i realized at a very, very young age that i was more similar to the girls in my life than to the boys, despite being well aware that i was genetically a boy. it functioned more on the level of social inclusion and conscious choice of gender role than it did on the level of anything biological. am i really that atypical? i don't know. but, i know that i never had any difficulty at all, whatsoever, in separating between sex, gender and gender roles. so, for example: i have very early memories of asking my mom to let me wear lipstick, and of asking to get my ears pierced (3,4 years old) but i don't attach those memories to feelings of gender dysphoria. i didn't see any reason why boys couldn't wear make-up. further, nobody really "corrected" me on it. so, i grew up without any shame or second thoughts attached to being a boy that was more like a girl, and consequently without any particularly strong urges to become a girl. my very early life actually finds it's best explanation in the theories of radical feminism: because the gender binary was never enforced on me, i never felt oppressed by it. i have to argue for a very healthy early upbringing.
what screwed me up and set me back a good ten years was the school system. when i got there at the age of four and a half, i wouldn't talk to the boys. i wanted to skip rope and play hopscotch with the girls. well, all my friends were girls. i didn't know how to play with the boys. what's a marble? i just didn't know. i got stuck with a fossil of a kindergarten teacher that actually flat out banned me from skipping rope. worse, she banned me from reading books. my absolutely docile and clinically rational temperament at that age probably worked against me. but, i had two choices: i could play with the trucks with the boys in the corner or i could go to sleep.
in fact, i slept a lot.
but, gradually, the system socialized me as a male. or, at least it seemed like it did.
my path through elementary school didn't really ease up on the gender segregation until the seventh grade, at which point it was essentially too late. the system had successfully prevented me from socializing with girls, but had never taught me how to socialize with boys. so, i had spent the last twelve years of school in social isolation, usually without any friends at all. i'd lost the opportunity to have all the gendered experiences one associates with childhood - which means i was deeply socially stunted. i was still pretty smart, academically speaking. however, i was operating at the social level of a much younger child because the school system had arrested my social development through segregating me into a gender role that i didn't understand how to fulfill.
by the time i got around to writing this song at the age of 16, i'd just become entirely stoic about the whole thing. i knew i was more like a girl, but what exactly was i going to do about it? i guess i had the perspective, at 16, that life was largely about managing misfortune and you just have to deal with shit, whether you like it or not.
rational? perhaps, from a certain perspective. it gnawed at me, though. the trauma underlying the track was the realization that i was a good part of the way through puberty, without ever having signed up for it. this was by no means unexpected, either, and i didn't ultimately feel that i had any recourse of action in preventing it. but, i felt like i'd been cheated out of something and was being forced into something i didn't remotely want.
as with the rest of the early tracks, the lyrics here are at their core the exploration of a morbid fantasy. i'm taking things too far, i'm taking any excuse i can to keep taking things too far and i'm enjoying watching you squirm when i do it. in one sense, it's a sarcastic allegory on the question of thinking with one's cock, which is a bio-chemical problem that all testosterone producers are forced to come to terms with at some point. in another sense, it's a transgendered teenager carrying out a sort of morbid fantasy and desperately looking for a way to prevent the masculinization of my body.
it took me another five years or so of internal struggle before i could get to the point where i saw hormone therapy as a realistic option, rather than a kind of utopian fantasy that would be perpetually out of reach until i finally expired.
this is the only period 1 piece that was further expanded through the addition of some bass and piano sequencing near the start of the piece. the vocals were also brought back in without redaction. so, this ep starts off with a full reconstruction of the piece that is only available on this single. the ep further comprehensively documents all other released versions of the track.
initially written in 1997. recreated in feb, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 5, 2015. remixed july 12, 2015. electronics added on july 16, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. sequenced on jan 6-8, 2016. finalized on july 10, 2016. hidden track added and refinalized on july 21, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, synthesizers, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, sampling, digital wave editing, production
released february 6, 1998
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
finalizing i did your mom (inri009)
audio permanently closed for inri009.
===
this is the final version of something i'd been playing with since about '94 or so, and by this time the track had become something that was beyond absurd. in a way, this is the culmination of everything i did in this period. it's the central track of my inri years: it's both the first thing i spent any time seriously writing and the ultimate realization of the musical ideas i was exploring. it's the longest track on the first demo. the drum programming is deep, there's an orchestration through sequencing, synth parts in the background, lead guitar work coming to the forefront - it's everything thrown together at a coherent level, really for the first time.
that this is the central track of this period maybe demonstrates how ridiculous i was and how ridiculous my musical vision was. maybe it also demonstrates just how young i was.
the remaining tracks in this period sort of pivot after this.
i should be clear: this is pretty much the most terrible song that you could possibly imagine existing, and that was kind of the intent. the shock value is entirely up front. but at the same time, it's just so terrible that it's kind of funny, and that was entirely intended as well.
you could maybe say something about how somebody like alice cooper ripping live chicken heads off in the middle of a performance is just about the most tyrannical thing you could imagine somebody getting away with on stage. it's just so ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh - even as you're horrified.
it's a phase a lot of teenagers go through. i guess the difference between me and a hundred thousand other kids is that i was exploring it through composition.
-
now that i'm an adult, this isn't something i would write or promote. yet, i sort of am by uploading it. the interest here is to document the existence of a troubled child. well, and to document myself - i was that troubled child.
the history of the track is perhaps a little less obnoxious than may be suspected. i was actually being taunted by somebody in the eighth grade. that person had never met and never would meet my mother. it's just a remark that young boys make. freudian analyses aside, i don't think there's really that much conscious thought put into it.
my decision to write a song about it was half a joke and half a response to being teased. i listened to and feigned laughter at a lot of oppressive jokes when i was younger; to an extent, i regret not speaking up, but i can state with honesty that i never felt comfortable taking part (now, self-deprecating humour, often of a sexual nature, is another thing). this reaction, on that "fuck you" level, shouldn't provide for any specific discomfort.
however, the fact that i explored the topic in a deeper level of depth than my taunters did perhaps might, and perhaps should. i need to bring you back to my aims in recording this early demo: i was trying to be as disturbing and shocking as i possibly could be. my taunters provided me with a particularly disturbing subject matter to explore, and i took full advantage of that.
this track is certainly disturbing and certainly shocking. success? well, i guess. looking back, i've always been torn between regret and satisfaction. i still am...
initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015. released jan 7, 2016. sequenced jan 6-8, 2016. finalized on july 20, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016).
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, drum programming, drum kit, synths, sequencers, sampling, digital wave editing, production
released march 20, 1998
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-did-your-mom-2
===
this is the final version of something i'd been playing with since about '94 or so, and by this time the track had become something that was beyond absurd. in a way, this is the culmination of everything i did in this period. it's the central track of my inri years: it's both the first thing i spent any time seriously writing and the ultimate realization of the musical ideas i was exploring. it's the longest track on the first demo. the drum programming is deep, there's an orchestration through sequencing, synth parts in the background, lead guitar work coming to the forefront - it's everything thrown together at a coherent level, really for the first time.
that this is the central track of this period maybe demonstrates how ridiculous i was and how ridiculous my musical vision was. maybe it also demonstrates just how young i was.
the remaining tracks in this period sort of pivot after this.
i should be clear: this is pretty much the most terrible song that you could possibly imagine existing, and that was kind of the intent. the shock value is entirely up front. but at the same time, it's just so terrible that it's kind of funny, and that was entirely intended as well.
you could maybe say something about how somebody like alice cooper ripping live chicken heads off in the middle of a performance is just about the most tyrannical thing you could imagine somebody getting away with on stage. it's just so ridiculous, that you can't help but laugh - even as you're horrified.
it's a phase a lot of teenagers go through. i guess the difference between me and a hundred thousand other kids is that i was exploring it through composition.
-
now that i'm an adult, this isn't something i would write or promote. yet, i sort of am by uploading it. the interest here is to document the existence of a troubled child. well, and to document myself - i was that troubled child.
the history of the track is perhaps a little less obnoxious than may be suspected. i was actually being taunted by somebody in the eighth grade. that person had never met and never would meet my mother. it's just a remark that young boys make. freudian analyses aside, i don't think there's really that much conscious thought put into it.
my decision to write a song about it was half a joke and half a response to being teased. i listened to and feigned laughter at a lot of oppressive jokes when i was younger; to an extent, i regret not speaking up, but i can state with honesty that i never felt comfortable taking part (now, self-deprecating humour, often of a sexual nature, is another thing). this reaction, on that "fuck you" level, shouldn't provide for any specific discomfort.
however, the fact that i explored the topic in a deeper level of depth than my taunters did perhaps might, and perhaps should. i need to bring you back to my aims in recording this early demo: i was trying to be as disturbing and shocking as i possibly could be. my taunters provided me with a particularly disturbing subject matter to explore, and i took full advantage of that.
this track is certainly disturbing and certainly shocking. success? well, i guess. looking back, i've always been torn between regret and satisfaction. i still am...
initially written in 1994. first full recording in 1996. recreated in mar, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed & remixed on july 18, 2015. released jan 7, 2016. sequenced jan 6-8, 2016. finalized on july 20, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016).
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, drum programming, drum kit, synths, sequencers, sampling, digital wave editing, production
released march 20, 1998
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-did-your-mom-2
refinalizing skaters (inri005)
lead track added to inri005. audio permanently closed.
===
this is maybe a little hard to understand, if you weren't a teenager in a very specific period - about '91-'99, the 90s i guess, when the nu metal shift "corrected" things and tough guys went backing to being metalheads.
that period overlaps with a period when punk fashion moved from subculture to dominant culture. as with any other failed social revolution, the period is more defined by certain subculture traits being co-opted than it was by any meaningful change in social attitudes, even if it did correspond with a move towards liberalizing social attitudes in the older members of gen x.
i remember playing this for my aunt, who was a teenager in the 80s, and she was just confused by it. in her day, the skaters were the skinny punk kids that got picked on by the meathead jock metal heads. as mentioned, i think people that were teenagers in the 00s may more readily associate with this as well.
but the 90s were weird in this sense. skater culture in the 90s was defined by a sort of thuggish machismo gang mentality that overlapped more into gangster rap than punk rock. what you had where i grew up was a lot of upper middle class white kids skating because it was advertised to them as the "cool thing to do" and in the process co-opting this sort of survivalist 'hood mentality into a tool of oppression that they used to bully and intimidate the kids that, a decade before, would have identified as skateboarders. those kids may have maintained an interest in punk rock, but weren't generally accepted into the skater clique - which was essentially the "in group".
the culmination may seem a little surreal nowadays, if for no other reason than that it's been forgotten. but i remember sneaking through back alleys, evading skateboarding gangs made up of kids into slayer, while i had socal punk music blasting through my headphones. and i'm sure you'll get similar stories if you ask around - or maybe you were also that kid.
on one hand, this track was constructed to be sort of precious, and i think that it is. it's a pretty catchy pop song, really. on the other hand, i think i was trying to be a bit tougher than i actually was. i wasn't one to back down from confrontation - i'm still not. while i think it's true that i could have taken most of these brats one-on-one, i probably would have mostly chosen not to. see, the fear was always more that they'd convert the boards into weapons and then jump you. in canada, guns aren't much of a concern, but knives are.
...and the fear often came out of trivial reasons. talking with somebody's girlfriend. having a pair of headphones or a pair of shoes that might be worth something. basic thug shit.
in hindsight, the analysis here is a little simplistic. suggesting that these kids are going to grow up into pimps is problematic on numerous levels, although i can state with blunt honesty that a number of the people the song was about have grown up to be petty criminals with lengthy criminal records. i have to own that lack of depth and how it comes out in sometimes less than ideal statements, but i'm going to once again blame that on my age.
overall, i like this track on both a musical and thematic level. i just wish i had articulated myself a little bit better.
===
there was a specific story that influenced the track. when i was in the ninth grade, one of these skater bro types took it upon himself to start body-checking me into lockers. it was well understood that this person was older, but that just gave him more clout in the school's skater clique; he knew the older kids that they looked up to. i was never certain if he was on his second or third try at grade 9.
this wasn't the first time somebody had tried to get physical with me, but it was an escalation that i couldn't really tolerate. people flicking my ears was an annoyance, and especially so when it was a game, but it's the kind of thing one withstands. these were full on, run-at-me body checks that seemed to be designed with intent to harm.
i actually tried a few different tactics before i reacted. i tried sitting behind in class until he left, but it was visibly starting to make the female teacher uncomfortable that i was just sitting around waiting after class - and perhaps not unreasonably so. as for bringing it up with the teacher? well, this guy went out of his way to look for a teacher watching before he took a run. i couldn't be followed around by a teacher all day. i had to react on my own.
so, i tricked him into running at my open leg, which had him fall face first into the locker. he did not see the retribution in the act; he got up looking for a fight. as i was walking toward the exit, which was a staircase downwards, he took another run at me - which i dodged. that was an adrenaline filled movement, i tell you - he was full of stupid, hot rage and sidestepped like an angry bull. but, i still had to time it. there was no escape. he ended up falling down several flights of stairs and breaking his leg. consider what would have happened if i hadn't moved - even considering that i may have helped him lose his balance, a little.
from that point onwards, i lived in fear of being swarmed. rumours were floating around that i'd better stay away from certain people - which was a broadcast to me to stay low. i got the message, and spent the next several years sneaking around back passageways in and out of the school. i learned where the cuts in the fences were, how to detour across floor levels to follow the crowd, how to time the bus (we had public transit passes - and that fact alone probably spared me broken bones) to come in to class during the national anthem and other various scheduling and transiting tactics to avoid being alone at critical junctures. and, then i started to enjoy living that way, too.
i don't think that student came back the next year, so i'm not sure if he ever finished grade 9. but, part of the reason i'm telling you this story is that it helps paint a clearer demographic picture of the narrative that i'm presenting. if you remove the "skater" designation, this could be a story about gangs in schools that could be applied equally well across any other grouping. it just happened to be that the gangs at my school were populated by white skater kids, some from the welfare projects and others comfortably middle class. that might help to explain what some might see as a difficult reference point.
== =
i've presented this track in chronological ordering because i wanted to tell the story of the track itself. looking through my releases, it may be difficult to tell what is an ep from what is a single, and what is an ep from what is a record. this is an ep, and not a single. it's an ep because it's a conceptual ordering of the tracks, rather than just an exploration of a single incarnation of a specific track.
i don't deny that the lyrics are painful. and, wasn't i supposed to be getting rid of painful vocals? well, perhaps. but, note that no vocal takes of this track make it on to any of the abum-format presentations of it, excepting inricycled. the vocals are tied into the concept of the ep, which is a narration of the song as it developed.
so, chronological ordering is the only rational way to present the tracks. further, a comprehensive exploration of the track's development actually becomes necessary, in order to narrate it's entire development.
i'm not going to take this approach to every single. i just think that this track had to be preserved in this kind of way.
initially written in 1997. recreated in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 1, 2015. deconstructed dec 18, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. finalized on july 6, 2016. lead track added and refinalized july 20, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
this release is compiled on inriℵ0:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 1998, 2013, 2016).
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocal noises, vocals, samples, production
released january 12, 1998
===
this is maybe a little hard to understand, if you weren't a teenager in a very specific period - about '91-'99, the 90s i guess, when the nu metal shift "corrected" things and tough guys went backing to being metalheads.
that period overlaps with a period when punk fashion moved from subculture to dominant culture. as with any other failed social revolution, the period is more defined by certain subculture traits being co-opted than it was by any meaningful change in social attitudes, even if it did correspond with a move towards liberalizing social attitudes in the older members of gen x.
i remember playing this for my aunt, who was a teenager in the 80s, and she was just confused by it. in her day, the skaters were the skinny punk kids that got picked on by the meathead jock metal heads. as mentioned, i think people that were teenagers in the 00s may more readily associate with this as well.
but the 90s were weird in this sense. skater culture in the 90s was defined by a sort of thuggish machismo gang mentality that overlapped more into gangster rap than punk rock. what you had where i grew up was a lot of upper middle class white kids skating because it was advertised to them as the "cool thing to do" and in the process co-opting this sort of survivalist 'hood mentality into a tool of oppression that they used to bully and intimidate the kids that, a decade before, would have identified as skateboarders. those kids may have maintained an interest in punk rock, but weren't generally accepted into the skater clique - which was essentially the "in group".
the culmination may seem a little surreal nowadays, if for no other reason than that it's been forgotten. but i remember sneaking through back alleys, evading skateboarding gangs made up of kids into slayer, while i had socal punk music blasting through my headphones. and i'm sure you'll get similar stories if you ask around - or maybe you were also that kid.
on one hand, this track was constructed to be sort of precious, and i think that it is. it's a pretty catchy pop song, really. on the other hand, i think i was trying to be a bit tougher than i actually was. i wasn't one to back down from confrontation - i'm still not. while i think it's true that i could have taken most of these brats one-on-one, i probably would have mostly chosen not to. see, the fear was always more that they'd convert the boards into weapons and then jump you. in canada, guns aren't much of a concern, but knives are.
...and the fear often came out of trivial reasons. talking with somebody's girlfriend. having a pair of headphones or a pair of shoes that might be worth something. basic thug shit.
in hindsight, the analysis here is a little simplistic. suggesting that these kids are going to grow up into pimps is problematic on numerous levels, although i can state with blunt honesty that a number of the people the song was about have grown up to be petty criminals with lengthy criminal records. i have to own that lack of depth and how it comes out in sometimes less than ideal statements, but i'm going to once again blame that on my age.
overall, i like this track on both a musical and thematic level. i just wish i had articulated myself a little bit better.
===
there was a specific story that influenced the track. when i was in the ninth grade, one of these skater bro types took it upon himself to start body-checking me into lockers. it was well understood that this person was older, but that just gave him more clout in the school's skater clique; he knew the older kids that they looked up to. i was never certain if he was on his second or third try at grade 9.
this wasn't the first time somebody had tried to get physical with me, but it was an escalation that i couldn't really tolerate. people flicking my ears was an annoyance, and especially so when it was a game, but it's the kind of thing one withstands. these were full on, run-at-me body checks that seemed to be designed with intent to harm.
i actually tried a few different tactics before i reacted. i tried sitting behind in class until he left, but it was visibly starting to make the female teacher uncomfortable that i was just sitting around waiting after class - and perhaps not unreasonably so. as for bringing it up with the teacher? well, this guy went out of his way to look for a teacher watching before he took a run. i couldn't be followed around by a teacher all day. i had to react on my own.
so, i tricked him into running at my open leg, which had him fall face first into the locker. he did not see the retribution in the act; he got up looking for a fight. as i was walking toward the exit, which was a staircase downwards, he took another run at me - which i dodged. that was an adrenaline filled movement, i tell you - he was full of stupid, hot rage and sidestepped like an angry bull. but, i still had to time it. there was no escape. he ended up falling down several flights of stairs and breaking his leg. consider what would have happened if i hadn't moved - even considering that i may have helped him lose his balance, a little.
from that point onwards, i lived in fear of being swarmed. rumours were floating around that i'd better stay away from certain people - which was a broadcast to me to stay low. i got the message, and spent the next several years sneaking around back passageways in and out of the school. i learned where the cuts in the fences were, how to detour across floor levels to follow the crowd, how to time the bus (we had public transit passes - and that fact alone probably spared me broken bones) to come in to class during the national anthem and other various scheduling and transiting tactics to avoid being alone at critical junctures. and, then i started to enjoy living that way, too.
i don't think that student came back the next year, so i'm not sure if he ever finished grade 9. but, part of the reason i'm telling you this story is that it helps paint a clearer demographic picture of the narrative that i'm presenting. if you remove the "skater" designation, this could be a story about gangs in schools that could be applied equally well across any other grouping. it just happened to be that the gangs at my school were populated by white skater kids, some from the welfare projects and others comfortably middle class. that might help to explain what some might see as a difficult reference point.
== =
i've presented this track in chronological ordering because i wanted to tell the story of the track itself. looking through my releases, it may be difficult to tell what is an ep from what is a single, and what is an ep from what is a record. this is an ep, and not a single. it's an ep because it's a conceptual ordering of the tracks, rather than just an exploration of a single incarnation of a specific track.
i don't deny that the lyrics are painful. and, wasn't i supposed to be getting rid of painful vocals? well, perhaps. but, note that no vocal takes of this track make it on to any of the abum-format presentations of it, excepting inricycled. the vocals are tied into the concept of the ep, which is a narration of the song as it developed.
so, chronological ordering is the only rational way to present the tracks. further, a comprehensive exploration of the track's development actually becomes necessary, in order to narrate it's entire development.
i'm not going to take this approach to every single. i just think that this track had to be preserved in this kind of way.
initially written in 1997. recreated in jan, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 1, 2015. deconstructed dec 18, 2015. compiled on jan 4, 2016. finalized on july 6, 2016. lead track added and refinalized july 20, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
this release is compiled on inriℵ0:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1997, 1998, 2013, 2016).
credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocal noises, vocals, samples, production
released january 12, 1998
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