i've been to a doctor a few times this week about the degenerative disease it seems like i have. that's something i'm going to be doing over the next year or two, as i seek to figure out what the fuck this is.

i need to be clear: i don't have a clue what it is. not the slightest. it's a lot of the same symptoms you get after a stroke, or get when you have ms, or get when you have als, or get when you have cancer, even...

these are symptoms that have been bothering me for around ten years, now. in some ways, they are getting worse. yet, they kind of come and go, too. i just always lived with it. facial tics are annoying, but not worth the time to see a doctor. i can deal with a sore back every now and again. & etc. but, the dysphagia has been really scary at points over the last couple of years. this isn't new, either, though - i remember it being awful for short periods as far back as ten years ago. what's new is that it hasn't receded now in quite a while.

the first thing i wanted to do was quit smoking habitually. done. since january. i wanted to make sure i wasn't just dehydrated, too, and i think i've ruled that out. the next thing that i wanted to do was rule out an ear infection, as a lot of the symptoms seem to be centered on my left ear. what's the point in getting mris and talking to neurologists for the next ten months if i just have an ear infection, right? so, i did that this week. i will get results on monday and am not certain what they will be. the doctor eliminated an actual infection as a cause, but the admin seemed to note something unusual around my ear drum when she was doing aural testing.

i don't think i had a stroke, although i've had periodic fainting spells for years (none recently). i got rid of them by not smoking on an empty stomach, although i think some of it was also heat stroke. i also think that this has been going on for too long for it to be cancer. the simple truth is that nobody has untreated cancer for ten years without the symptoms getting overwhelming. yes: the dysphagia is bad right now. but, it always previously came and went. if i had a cancer in my ear ten years ago, i'd almost certainly be dead by now.

so, i've kind of long deduced something like ms (or als, or...) by default. what else could it be?

well, something i've overlooked this whole time is lyme disease. i was just reading up on it. the symptoms are pretty accurate - especially the facial tic. i don't explicitly remember the rash, but would i have been able to tell it from a mosquito bite? i've had lots of mosquito bites over the last ten years, and some period of being "eaten alive". the absence of a rash is not absolute, either. you'd think that untreated lyme disease for a decade or more would be pretty serious by now, but that's at least a way out from ms or als.

the only other way out that i can think of is that my jaw keeps healing wrong and then fracturing and then healing wrong again, and it's basically just fucked that side of my face up so badly that everything has stopped working right. essentially, then, my face would be fucked. i know you appreciate my technical definition and in depth knowledge. but, i think there is something to this.

i wanted to do this one thing at a time to keep the issue straight in my head and i don't want to see a neurologist until everything else is ruled out. let's say i have ms, in the end. it's untreatable. i lose nothing by waiting for the diagnosis. i gain everything by avoiding a misdiagnosis.

so, i will go in on monday after i get my hearing test results and set referral appointments to check both for lyme disease and for skeletal issues. i'm also going to see if i can get my tongue checked for cancer, just in case.

it's only once i go through that process that i will consent to see a neurologist to check for a degenerative disease.

right now, i'm honestly kind of leaning towards lyme disease. - and i'm irritated with myself for not thinking of it sooner.