this is basically a fake email address. i'm still using the death.to.koalas address.
i'm clearing out some old email. communications with my dad. school stuff. losing my mind on hormones...
this is a direct forward, catch me after the jump.
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i'm going to fade away now for a bit...
Jason Parent <death.to.koalas@gmail.com> 11 August 2010 at 04:57
To: Sarah
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....i still want that add and you know not getting it is weirding me out..
...but i'm getting the point, silent and clear.
it's a shame, really. ten years. multiple shared apartments. jams. discussions. arguments. trips. concerts. love. hate. just about everything in between.
i think there's a fundamental disconnect going on right now between the way that we see each other. i would introduce you to a room as follows: "this is my friend, sarah.". you would introduce me to a room as follows: "this is my crazy ex-boyfriend, j.".
friend.
ex-lover.
i've had a persistent fear over the last five years that i was going to eventually lose you forever, and when i say that i mean lose *you*, a friend, a person that's very important to me. in a fit of insanity, i think i may have actually managed to accomplish this...
.....and that my only hope of not losing you forever is to back off and wait until you decide to call, if you ever decide to call ever again.
i'll get over it, i just wish i didn't have to.
you're probably actually relieved to hear me say this, and that actually makes me a little bit sad.
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that was right before i started to lose it - a little after i told you i was going back on hormones. and i think it's clear that i realized what was about to happen, right? that i knew you were going to react poorly. and that i knew i was going to break apart into little pieces.
but, even at this point i think the fundamental disconnect is clear:
i would introduce you to a room as follows: "this is my friend, sarah.". you would introduce me to a room as follows: "this is my crazy ex-boyfriend, j.".
is that not spot on accurate? but, see this is the crux of the situation that i was never able to give up hope on: if you would have been able to merely see me as a friend, as i was able to see you, then there wouldn't have been a crisis. i did not think this should be so difficult. and, frankly, i did not initially realize that you retained latent feelings. you have two children, after all. i thought you were completely over me.
i'm not going to pretend that i can make sense of everything that i typed or did over the next few years. it's not that there wasn't logic to it; to the contrary, the logic was often very complex. it's that i was having difficulty determining what was real and what wasn't. so, trying to decipher what i had typed or did (in hindsight) relies on understanding some paranoid projection of something, which is not always obvious at this distant a date. i was convinced that there was some kind of a conspiracy to keep you away from me. but, see, all i wanted to get across was that my intentions were benign. i was convinced everything would right itself, if you would just know in your heart that all i truly wanted was to hang out twice a year. that is in itself as neurotic as anything else. but, perhaps, if you were completely over me...
i need you to understand that i was dealing with some advanced psychosis. maybe i still am. there were many complex factors. and, while it wasn't your responsibility to deal with it, and i do not fault you for my crazy behaviour, your perception was self-fulfilling. that is, in time, i *became* your crazy ex-boyfriend. it is true that what i wanted was to be your friend. but, the harder i tried, the more of a crazy ex i became. and there was no solution to this.
i can't deal with unsolvability...
today, i live on odsp in windsor, ontario. i moved here because the cost of living is a lot lower. i will likely remain on odsp for the rest of my life. but, i need to be clear: this is not rhetoric. i'm not just saying that i lost my mind, or that i had a mental breakdown, or that i was dealing with psychosis. i have been diagnosed with a mental illness. i live on disability as a consequence of it. i am not dangerous, but i am unpredictable. and, my behaviour over those years was a consequence of it - even if it's not entirely obvious to you when or how i was schizing out.
it is very unlikely that i will ever go back to ottawa.
i am a very patient person, as you know, but i do have limits. and, the empathy that i had for your distress over my transition has faded. i've actually developed a level of bitterness. i am probably holding you in higher regard than is fair to you, and reacting poorly to unrealized expectations that i have no actual business holding you to. but, it is what it is.
but, i never got the closure i wanted, either. we were friends for ten years; you just decided to ignore me one day. i thought i deserved some kind of explanation. i actually think i still do. i don't think that anything that happened after this day negates this.
i'm giving you the courtesy of providing an explanation for my own behaviour. this is of course very general, but i don't think either of us really want particularly granular details. but, i'm good at 'splaining. and i think i'm getting my points across clearly. if you'd like to reciprocate, i'd still appreciate that. otherwise, i wouldn't expect to hear from me again - these emails are in the process of being destroyed.
bandcamp:
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCinQSeEtF0vSN1XVhQGfwKA
j
