i'm actually feeling very anxious and distracted right now and not sure why. head is racing. it's probably a culmination of things. the walk in the morning will probably be good for me.

i've been aware for a while that i'm letting something go in finally finishing period 2. these are songs/tracks/whatever that i've been turning over in my head since 2001-2003 - almost fifteen years. if you'd asked me a few years ago, i might have suggested that i'd never actually finish this. on one hand, it feels good to get past it, but on another there's a sort of sense of loss, as it's coming up against a shift in identity. within a few months, i won't be able to say i have all this work i need to get done - because it will be done. it will finally provide me with some closure about a few things. but, it's going to force me to look at the life i have left entirely differently. existential dread, i guess. but, i mean, it's not like i put myself in this situation on purpose, either, it just happened. time moves forward whether anybody likes it or not. i'll adjust, but i'm losing something here and am going to have to go through a process of flux to get to the other side of it and be able to look back on it wih a sense of accomplishment and enjoyment, and be able to really look forward to do something new.

my completed discography is nearing two full days and will pass that hump by the end of the month. that's a lot to permanently let go of, to move out of the "finish one day" and into the "finished" pile. mentally.

there's people involved. bad relationships. relationships gone bad. relationships that evaporated. i think we all think about the past from time to time, but an artist is inherently tied to it, by the nature of the creative process - and the results of it. leaving ideas open leaves wounds open. closing them closes wounds. closure. literally. it's positive, overall - i'm not arguing otherwise. it's just daunting.

and, i think the next batch of material is particularly daunting in that respect. a little drama to foreshadow it. expect a lot in the music. it's necessary...