From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: the surviving uncle
well, the reasoning behind going to windsor is that the rent is cheap. i was having difficulty finding even a bachelor in ottawa for less than $800, although like any other market there's not always a lot of logic put into the prices. one week, there'd be something decent for $750, the next week the best thing would be a closet for $900. i'm not exaggerating. a few of the places i checked out were just absurd. there was a one room basement apartment on cooper for $850 that had two items in it: a fridge and a bed. but, you couldn't open the fridge because the bed was literally lodged between the front door and the fridge. other places would literally convert walk-in closets into bedrooms, then price the place as having an extra bedroom. the few places i was able to find that i thought i could stay in basically told me my income was too low (which is bullshit, but who wants to go to court over that?). i didn't really want to move, but the absurdity of the market in ottawa led me to giving up on being able to stay there.
i talked to a couple of people about it. i mean, i had to ask - "do you really think you're going to get what you're asking for this?". they explained it by the high student population in ottawa. algonquin's the same size as a university, now, and there's another college out in orleans that keeps growing. the general perception is that they can keep the cost of rent at absurd levels because some kid's parents will pay it to send them away, and that it's as much about getting rid of the kid as it is anything else. it's as good an explanation as i can come up with, although i think it would help if the city would force people that own abandoned property to develop (and there's a lot of it, like the old sears building on rideau, for example).
i don't know if you realize it, but ottawa is actually the most expensive place to live in ontario. most people would think toronto. and if you work out the average price, toronto would be higher. but ottawa doesn't have the low rent areas that toronto does. even vanier is being gentrified. i was actually strongly considering toronto, but i didn't want to make any snap decisions that would land me in a bad neighbourhood. i was really dissuaded from the idea by an experience i had hitching down to windsor. a trucker let me off the 401 at jane street, and i got picked up by somebody that thought i was a prostitute. i mean, ten minutes in the area and that happens - i think i'll avoid that city, thanks.
i was lucky enough to have some nice basements to live in growing up, and where i've moved is as nice as any of them. it's a very large two bedroom for $650. so, i've got a studio in one bedroom with my gear in it. i've got a den separated from the big living room that's big enough for a couch to smoke on. the kitchen could seat ten people. this place would probably be pushing $1500 in ottawa. it's that stark a difference. it comes with some down sides. last month, a house about five doors down got showered with gun fire and invaded and ended with somebody getting shot in the forehead. they're saying it was drug related and nothing to be concerned about. i'm willing to believe that, but it's not really something you want to be near.
overall, the area is sort of like chinatown in ottawa - specifically the strip south of somerset between preston and bronson. i'm a block from the italian district, and a block from the arabic district. which means i've been eating a lot of deli meat and a lot of hummus.
the landlord is also pretty good. it's a dude, rather than a company, which is probably a key factor in not needing any kind of co-sign. he's a middle age guy that spent most of his life as an electrician and inherited a chunk of money from a cement business. he bought this place so that his slightly autistic brother would have a stable place to live. he's renting out the other three units simply to pay down property taxes. it's not about making money for him, it's just about his brother. one of the things we agreed upon is no rent increases because odsp doesn't go up very often. so, i'm getting $1080 from odsp and paying down $650 for rent. given that i don't eat that much, and i don't have any other major expenses, i'm actually quite comfortable right now. so long as that stays steady, i should be good here pretty much forever.
nor is this area gentrifying. the commercial district is mostly boarded up. it's sort of surreal to walk down "main street" and encounter closed shops and boarded up windows. factories are still closing fairly regularly, putting more and more people out of work. people are continuing to leave, and there seems to be no end to that trend in sight.
so, you can imagine that the city is sort of dead. but, i don't really like to go out much or spend time with people, anyways. i'm extremely introverted, so the isolation has played into that in ways that are actually positive for me. pretty much the only thing i'll ever go out to is concerts. windsor? well, i've hit a few punk shows. but, windsor is a suburb of detroit, and everybody plays detroit (or, increasingly, a suburb of detroit). i haven't been across yet because the paperwork to get across the border nowadays is a headache. for example, i need to get a phone before they'll give me a card. i'm hoping to deal with that soon so i can go over and see some shows there.
overall, i'm happy with this. i think it was a good decision that's going to keep me stable for quite some time.
j
Thursday, January 30, 2014
getting some fresh air at a basement punk show
i've found there are very few legitimate constants in life that transcend time and circumstance, but, for me, one absolute certainty is that, wherever i go, and whatever type of people happen to be there, and however it happens to be managed, i tend to get compliments about my hair.
it's nothing, really. i blacked it months ago. i blonded it months before that. i reded it still months before that. and blonded it still further months previously. now, i haven't touched it in a little over a year. so it's just grown in to have blond highlights at the end, and a few different shades scattered in. nothing managed - if anything it's sort of dilapidated.
we will all consider the idea of dilapidated hair now and if it really makes any sense.
regardless, tonight somebody liked my hair. thanks. i guess. i was out to see a couple of concerts....
there's two themes for the evening. the first is the fact that windsor also has a dom. not just a dom, but a punk/metal dom. two examples are not enough to build a general theory, but i do wonder how many other cities have punk/metal doms. of course, i had to compare...
it's a little more up kept, but not by much. pool tables. the difference is really that the stage of this dom is downstairs, which gives it a basement show feel more than a bar show feel.
there's even a staircase you don't want to walk down at all, let alone after a few drinks - except it's worse, because it's outside and iced over.
it was freezing in there, and that's theme number two. it seems to have literally been not heated. i wasn't dressed for it.
see, this is where my subconscious dom expectation was no doubt a serious impediment. -10 is manageable in a sweater, if it means walking to the bus stop and back in between hours of warmth. in my mind, i thought "well, the heat is always on in the dom - when i get there i'll put the sweater around my waist". not this dom.
it's not a fashion thing. i'm there to hear the music, i don't care about that nonsense. it's just that carrying around a jacket at a concert is annoying. it makes holding a beer difficult, and it makes taking part in any audience participation impossible. i'd rather go in a sweater if i can.
-10 is admittedly the extreme point. -15 is not sweaterable.
unfortunately, the issue compounded itself. i could have easily handled a ten minute wait for the bus if i'd been inside for two hours, but i was actually getting seriously worried for a minute because i'd been shivering for several hours.
obviously, i'm ok, i'm not naked in a snow bank complaining about the heat (more like wrapped up in a blanket and still shivering a bit) but it was kind of scary.
anyways...
narcolepsy. two drinks over three hours will not render one drunk, but it'd been a while since i'd slept and the eyelids tend to overpower. i've stopped fighting them, under the agreement that they don't enforce an arbitrary 24 hour schedule on me.
one more thing before i finish this: the historic strength of punk rock (as a type of music, rather than an attitude) is that it gets your adrenaline moving. that's how you know you're doing it right. it's the characteristic that defines punk as a type of sound. it's the reason people throw themselves around everywhere. it's the reason green day and mcr and ... aren't punk. adrenaline. on the other hand, metal seems to focus more on testosterone. that's the chemical reaction they're really going for (and, yes, women can feel testosterone). there's overlaps and levels of mixtures and points where people get confused and other things. but a punk experience need not include any testosterone at all, so long as the adrenaline is high - and there has always and always will be (for as long as punk exists) a subset of the audience that is interested 100% solely in adrenaline, which happens to be the subset of the audience i'm in. i'm not interested in punk with testosterone, or exploring testosterone in music in general.
ok, that's enough rambling.
keep getting distracted, lol. ok.
so, the first full set i caught was this band called minors and it was better than i expected. it's local. the core of the sound was pretty generic, but they mixed it up with some ambient, droney type stuff - as is the fashion as of right now, i suppose - and also with some spastic punkish stuff. it's nothing particularly novel, but it's a little bit more eccentric than the average basement punk band.
white ribs is the band i went to see. the record is a pretty creative mix of lightning bolt with hipster hardcore and no wave. that sounds off the wall, but i'm playing it up a bit. they're clearly trying to look like lightning bolt, down to the masks, but they can't play like lightning bolt - and seem more interested in being weird.
the show was a little flat. it lacked the valleys of the record, and the audience didn't get it. small town. *shrug*.
the record they have up on bandcamp is interesting though, and i'd check it out if you like weird experimental loud shit.
bird death was spastic and incoherent, but it's the point. it's fun in small bursts, but i wouldn't go out of my way for it.
unfortunately, the bassist broke a string and the singer made an ass of himself while he was fixing it, but i was kind of more paying attention to the lumberjack that had been bugging me all night and was now going on about where to get meth. self-preservation was more important than paying attention to the singer being a douche.
anyways, there's nothing special here, but it does what it does competently.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/01/29.html
it's nothing, really. i blacked it months ago. i blonded it months before that. i reded it still months before that. and blonded it still further months previously. now, i haven't touched it in a little over a year. so it's just grown in to have blond highlights at the end, and a few different shades scattered in. nothing managed - if anything it's sort of dilapidated.
we will all consider the idea of dilapidated hair now and if it really makes any sense.
regardless, tonight somebody liked my hair. thanks. i guess. i was out to see a couple of concerts....
there's two themes for the evening. the first is the fact that windsor also has a dom. not just a dom, but a punk/metal dom. two examples are not enough to build a general theory, but i do wonder how many other cities have punk/metal doms. of course, i had to compare...
it's a little more up kept, but not by much. pool tables. the difference is really that the stage of this dom is downstairs, which gives it a basement show feel more than a bar show feel.
there's even a staircase you don't want to walk down at all, let alone after a few drinks - except it's worse, because it's outside and iced over.
it was freezing in there, and that's theme number two. it seems to have literally been not heated. i wasn't dressed for it.
see, this is where my subconscious dom expectation was no doubt a serious impediment. -10 is manageable in a sweater, if it means walking to the bus stop and back in between hours of warmth. in my mind, i thought "well, the heat is always on in the dom - when i get there i'll put the sweater around my waist". not this dom.
it's not a fashion thing. i'm there to hear the music, i don't care about that nonsense. it's just that carrying around a jacket at a concert is annoying. it makes holding a beer difficult, and it makes taking part in any audience participation impossible. i'd rather go in a sweater if i can.
-10 is admittedly the extreme point. -15 is not sweaterable.
unfortunately, the issue compounded itself. i could have easily handled a ten minute wait for the bus if i'd been inside for two hours, but i was actually getting seriously worried for a minute because i'd been shivering for several hours.
obviously, i'm ok, i'm not naked in a snow bank complaining about the heat (more like wrapped up in a blanket and still shivering a bit) but it was kind of scary.
anyways...
narcolepsy. two drinks over three hours will not render one drunk, but it'd been a while since i'd slept and the eyelids tend to overpower. i've stopped fighting them, under the agreement that they don't enforce an arbitrary 24 hour schedule on me.
one more thing before i finish this: the historic strength of punk rock (as a type of music, rather than an attitude) is that it gets your adrenaline moving. that's how you know you're doing it right. it's the characteristic that defines punk as a type of sound. it's the reason people throw themselves around everywhere. it's the reason green day and mcr and ... aren't punk. adrenaline. on the other hand, metal seems to focus more on testosterone. that's the chemical reaction they're really going for (and, yes, women can feel testosterone). there's overlaps and levels of mixtures and points where people get confused and other things. but a punk experience need not include any testosterone at all, so long as the adrenaline is high - and there has always and always will be (for as long as punk exists) a subset of the audience that is interested 100% solely in adrenaline, which happens to be the subset of the audience i'm in. i'm not interested in punk with testosterone, or exploring testosterone in music in general.
ok, that's enough rambling.
keep getting distracted, lol. ok.
so, the first full set i caught was this band called minors and it was better than i expected. it's local. the core of the sound was pretty generic, but they mixed it up with some ambient, droney type stuff - as is the fashion as of right now, i suppose - and also with some spastic punkish stuff. it's nothing particularly novel, but it's a little bit more eccentric than the average basement punk band.
white ribs is the band i went to see. the record is a pretty creative mix of lightning bolt with hipster hardcore and no wave. that sounds off the wall, but i'm playing it up a bit. they're clearly trying to look like lightning bolt, down to the masks, but they can't play like lightning bolt - and seem more interested in being weird.
the show was a little flat. it lacked the valleys of the record, and the audience didn't get it. small town. *shrug*.
the record they have up on bandcamp is interesting though, and i'd check it out if you like weird experimental loud shit.
bird death was spastic and incoherent, but it's the point. it's fun in small bursts, but i wouldn't go out of my way for it.
unfortunately, the bassist broke a string and the singer made an ass of himself while he was fixing it, but i was kind of more paying attention to the lumberjack that had been bugging me all night and was now going on about where to get meth. self-preservation was more important than paying attention to the singer being a douche.
anyways, there's nothing special here, but it does what it does competently.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/01/29.html
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
RE: Nice to hear from you.
From: the surviving uncle
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Having been in hair raising situations more times than I care to remember, I can honestly say that the first step to resolving everything else is having your own stable place to live. So, I'm really happy that you have found that. I know ODSP isn't much, but it is enough to be stable and is somewhat of a chance to build on.
Windsor is one of the few places in the country that I haven't been to. Is there much to do? Made any friends? What about your sister, any contact or is that pretty much a write off?
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Having been in hair raising situations more times than I care to remember, I can honestly say that the first step to resolving everything else is having your own stable place to live. So, I'm really happy that you have found that. I know ODSP isn't much, but it is enough to be stable and is somewhat of a chance to build on.
Windsor is one of the few places in the country that I haven't been to. Is there much to do? Made any friends? What about your sister, any contact or is that pretty much a write off?
Monday, January 27, 2014
RE: Nice to hear from you.
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: the surviving uncle
i've tried to respond to this a few times and it keeps turning into a lengthy response going through topics i don't really want to go through. starting with a difficulty finding employment back in '07, the last several years of my life have been full of emotional and financial instability. i often haven't had a stable place to stay, or a stable source of income. a culmination of things has finally put me in a safe, stable situation here. so, it's led to being happier as a result of that stability.
i more meant that losing my father was kind of up and down for a few months.
i've been focusing on two central projects. the first is running through the music i've recorded over the years, cleaning it up, finishing up existing projects and uploading it. i've made it up to the beginning of 2001 so far:
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/
the other thing i'm working on is a meandering web page that is hard to describe:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/
i hope you're doing ok, too.
j
To: the surviving uncle
i've tried to respond to this a few times and it keeps turning into a lengthy response going through topics i don't really want to go through. starting with a difficulty finding employment back in '07, the last several years of my life have been full of emotional and financial instability. i often haven't had a stable place to stay, or a stable source of income. a culmination of things has finally put me in a safe, stable situation here. so, it's led to being happier as a result of that stability.
i more meant that losing my father was kind of up and down for a few months.
i've been focusing on two central projects. the first is running through the music i've recorded over the years, cleaning it up, finishing up existing projects and uploading it. i've made it up to the beginning of 2001 so far:
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/
the other thing i'm working on is a meandering web page that is hard to describe:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/
i hope you're doing ok, too.
j
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Uncle Elvis
Wow. Boring! This crap put me to sleep! Where the fuck does a band like this get its influence from? Cough syrup commercials?
deathtokoalas
sounds like bon jovi, mostly.
i honestly don't care if people enjoy this. i just wish they'd stop marketing it wrong. it's hair metal, and the demographic is teenage girls that think the singer is cute.
arod13arod
in what fucking deluded world do you live in that you think this sounds even remotely like bon jovi?
deathtokoalas
i don't know how you can miss it, really. but i think thursday sounded like bon jovi, too. that whole jersey punk thing was 90% bon jovi, 10% ian mackeye.
(deleted)
deathtokoalas
i'm sorry that you don't realize that corporate emo and hair metal are indistinguishable up to the age of the listener.
Nickelpitts
Stop hating on a talented band. If you don't like it, listen to your own crap. Just don't make fun of people's musical interest.
deathtokoalas
i didn't, honestly. i stated specifically that i have no ill will at all whatsoever in any form or content towards people who enjoy music of this particular variety. my interjection into the conversation was even with the specific intent of converting a crude outburst of disgust into a more tolerant discourse. you oaf. that being said, my lack of ill will towards those that do enjoy this does not in any way preclude me from making objective, comparable statements about the nature of said sound - namely that emo of the pop-punk variety is virtually indistinguishable from bon jovi in terms of melody and songwriting structure. they may have different hair. i'm talking about sound, though.
so, might i reflect to those that feel the need to jump to conclusions that inquiry is not equivalent to hostility and people that don't enjoy the same music as you don't therefore (implication i think, here, is key) hate you.
DatzWhatsUp
hahahahaha bon jovi hahahahaha
Nickelpitts
You know showing off your vocabulary to defend your unneeded criticism doesn't make you appear smarter. If anything calling me a "oaf" does nothing but convince me further that you simply consider yourself as someone who has a issue with tearing a talented band down in order to make yourself seem like a musical prodigy. At least they are following their dream >.> not making fun of other musicians.
deathtokoalas
ok, but now you're basically conceding the point that i wasn't intending to tear anybody down and tearing down a strawman of me instead. and, to that end, i wish you great fun. i'd even help brainstorm strawman ideas to tear down if i didn't think it was a waste of time.
TheStory SoFar
Actually I've been listening to them for awhile now and I never once looked at the band members so no, not everyone likes bands for their looks. Its how they can relate to lyrics and how they like the sound. Get your head out of your ass and go somewhere else.
deathtokoalas
nonono, i'm the one that tells people they have their heads in their asses.
my statements admittedly excluded the caveat that some people have incomprehensibly bad taste. apologies. but, on the balance of probabilities...
i actually don't know what these kids look like either, i just assumed they have long hair and wear their shirts open. that's what they sound like, anyways...
TrulyHorrifying Productions
There is two types of people in this entire conversation. People who dont like the music and fans of the music. Neither one can lose at the argument because both are providing theories that are un-falsifiable, one saying that the music is bad and one saying it is good. Neither of the statements can be proven wrong because they are solely based on personal opinion one can tell the other as many things as they want to "prove" they're wrong but no one will ever come to conclusion because both people a basing their evidence on opinions. Therefore it is pointless to argue with one another; so share your opinion and view others opinions with open mindedness everyone's personal interpretation of art is meant to be different so don't ruin it by being egotistical about your own opinion. Art was never meant to mean one thing it was meant to mean many things to many people.
deathtokoalas
you're trying to say something that intends to be technically correct, if somewhat lacking in it's application to art, but you're both interpreting it badly and misunderstanding what is written here.
i've been blatantly clear that i'm not judging this, but simply pointing out that the marketing is terrible. this isn't punk, and shouldn't be marketed as though it is. i wouldn't have even found my way here to this page at all if it weren't for the bad marketing. i don't often click through to bands that sound like bon jovi. what i'm irritated about is actually that i was tricked into listening to this at all. had it just been marketed as radio music like it should have been, i wouldn't have wasted my time with it. conversely, i think it likely that there's a lot of young people that could be connected to this by advertising it to a more bubblegum market.
i think that what you meant to say is rather that comparing music needs to be done in a way that is coherent. so, "dead kennedys are better than beethoven" isn't a meaningful statement. but, arguing over whether dead kennedys or black flag were better is something that can be done meaningfully.
TheStory SoFar
Let's just stop talking to her about it. She obviously doesn't understand that this sounds nothing like Bon Jovi and we don't want to listen to her act like she knows everything about music when she doesn't. I mean come on, she called this hair metal. She obviously has no idea what she's talking about so why allow her the satisfaction of your time to post a comment. Just leave her to her delusions and move on.
deathtokoalas
...but it does sound like bon jovi. bon jovi was exceedingly melodic corporate rock music without any kind of discernible message that was centered around fashion, designed for arena rock play and radio domination. this is precisely the same thing. they just have a different fashion sense, because they're separated by a generation. i'm sorry you don't see the comparison.
listen to this and then listen to "you give love a bad name" and tell me it isn't the same genre.
as for my own music, i don't think it's questionable that it is produced at a far higher level of detail and production. however, it isn't remotely comparable to any kind of corporate rock music. it's flat out moronic to try and compare a four minute radio song to a forty-five minute symphony. they're created for different purposes, and listened to for different reasons. i'm not going to reach any points of reflection listening to weezer (although i may still think it's fun from time to time), nor am i going to have fun dancing to arvo part at the local bar. i don't suffer idiots well, and have just flat out blocked that hopeless dipshit.
people (and especially you shallow corporate emo / hair metal "punks") need to learn not to dismiss things that they don't understand. i wouldn't expect many people that post here to understand the music i produce, but i'd rather they admit that than ignorantly kneejerk and dismiss it.
Erik Paulson
Hold up, you are comparing the two based on their business model, but your logic is heavily flawed. The business model of hair metal incorporated giant record labels, huge budgets, overbearing guitarists, band antics, ect. The lyrics are unarguably more interesting in this genre. To assume that people here wouldn't understand what you produce is also stupid. You constantly post about Adrian Belew, an artist who hasn't done anything particularly interesting since the 80's. In summation, It's fine that you don't like this, but you need to reconsider your comparison.
deathtokoalas
one of the strongest comparisons is in the lyrics. the primary concept within hair metal lyrics was the objectification of women, either directly through reduction to "sexual play thing" or abstractly into evil, jezebel types. that's why i picked that particular bon jovi track. the thematic unity into what has been called emo, with all it's woes of sexual malice, is heavy-handed - and, i would argue, mostly linear in direct influence.
i have to separate out a few acts. i think i was checking out citizen in the first place because they were touring with defeater, who are lyrically not at all comparable (and, musically, really are pretty "grunge"). then there's la dispute, which take the emo stereotypes to a transcendent point of absurdity (and i'd argue are actually mostly descendent from tool and the mars volta). so, there are certainly examples where what is called emo has more interesting lyrics than what is called hair metal. but, i think it's a stretch to compare citizen to defeater or la dispute or put them into the same genre in the first place. that is to say that this argument is not applicable to this band.
rather, overall, it's the comparisons in the lyrics that dominate.
how much classical music do you listen to, erik? how much do (or did) your parents listen to? how much do (or did) your grandparents listen to?
now, as for belew, he's been on my mind lately because i run a sort of a hobby review site. he happens to be my current topic of review. in actuality, belew's solo work in the 80s was terrible - mostly second rate bowie and byrne knockoffs. this is widely acknowledged. he was, however, involved in some of the most important records of the 90s. for example, he was responsible for most of nine inch nails' lead guitar work in the mid to late 90s (including on the downward spiral). his "strong period" actually begins in the mid-90s (when he was in his mid 40s), when he stopped trying to be somebody he wasn't.
you'd do well to have a little bit of respect for important and influential artists, rather than buy into the continued corporate narrative of generational overturn. when you grow up a little bit, you'll understand that age is something the industry correlates with music to create specialized markets, and pushing that narrative pretty much makes you a tool.
the site is over here for the curious:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/music/index/index.html
kurtless guhle
i don't know about you guys but music is suppose to bring people together, hold hands while singing the lyrics to your favorite song. not this shit, to be honest i thank the internet for showing me music but fuck all you hurting people craving attention. music is the only thing that makes sense in this world and you are ruining it one step at a time
deathtokoalas
ugh. fucking hippies.
world's full of conflict, man. best way to reach nirvana (pun not intended) is to shoot yourself in the forehead.
the hippies’ approach to revolution:
GUYS WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG.
bosses should love their employees as the force which gives them life and luxury, and employees should love their bosses for expropriating their labour.
marx is bad karma, man.
danny shuddup
For the record, they aren't hair metal, and I doubt anybody likes them for their looks. I like the band and no disrespect is meant but the singer sort of looks like Pepper from American Horror Story: Asylum. But yeah, look at their Waiting Room set and you can see that they aren't hair metal...
deathtokoalas
that reference means nothing to me. but this discussion has already been had, and it's already been explained that contemporary hair metal looks a little bit different than it used to - and that, musically, it's in the same category.
cklin114
"and that, musically, it's in the same category."
for fuck's sake, shut the fuck up
deathtokoalas
yeah, great. i provide all kinds of valid comparisons about the shared misogyny, melodic approaches and aesthetics of emo and hair metal, and your response is "shut the fuck up".
i'd rather extend the invitation to you, all of the fucking whiny brats that listen to this and all of the bands that perpetuate the continued idiocy.
danny shuddup
You shouldn't really be so judgemental when your own music is shit... And you look like fucking tiny tim
deathtokoalas
again, i'm not about to take critical evaluation from people that listen to glossy pop music. i wouldn't expect you to remotely understand anything that demonstrates any kind of depth.
people that listen to this kind of radio drivel are not my "target demographic" (if you'll allow me to be crude), and i really couldn't care less what you think - other than to correct your constant ignorance and/or tell you to shut up because you're being fucking annoying, yet again.
i was here to check out a band that was touring with defeater, and agreed with somebody's revolted reaction. because this is revoltingly bad, especially in comparison to something as in depth and intense as defeater. i would have probably skipped the show, had defeater not cancelled (and made the show not worth attending).
nor, again, was i intending to be particularly insulting. i was simply drawing attention to the reality that it sounds a whole lot like bon jovi.
danny shuddup
It sounds like your target is to not have a demographic
deathtokoalas
it's music for adults and precocious young people, which i'm not going to find many of here. i'm probably at least ten years older than you are, possibly closer to or maybe even more than fifteen (although probably not as many as twenty). and maybe i grew up too fast. but i happen to have a soft spot for no bullshit, riff-heavy, solid grunge (like defeater, not like this), which brought me into contact with this. i wouldn't normally go anywhere near this type of music or the people that listen to it...
danny shuddup
You might be confusing precocious with pretentious
deathtokoalas
no. rather, i'd suggest you don't know what either word means.
Matt Gaub
Mom- "Hey honey, what did you do today?"
You- "LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM! I'm getting into pointless Youtube arguments! I know more about music than anyone, and everyone needs to know that! Now make me my goddamn hot pocket!"
Mom- "Sounds good! Pepperoni pizza or ham and cheese?"
You- "HAM AND CHEESE! IT'S THE ORIGINAL!"
deathtokoalas
shut up and click my links.
and, yes, it's a far better idea than paying $50 to play an empty bar (plus 1 or 2 hopeless hipsters), while the kids stay home and surf their tablets. especially in this cozy suburb of detroit...
maybe, one day i'll meet some musicians with similar tastes. but, it hasn't happened yet, and i'm not counting on it.
so, shut up and click my links.
Memphis. Methods
You stated, "i actually don't know what these kids look like either, i just assumed they have long hair and wear their shirts open. that's what they sound like, anyways..." You just proved a lot of people's arguments about you. You stated they were a hair band yet you don't know what they look like."it's hair metal, and the demographic is teenage girls that think the singer is cute." You also stated above that you assumed. Assuming lead you to this long argument you've got yourself into. I understand that you meant no harm and you are probably trolling, but this has gone rather farther than expected I bet. This is something that will never end musically. No one really knows what genre something is. We all THINK we know when in reality we have no idea. We are trained by ear to hear what we think. We can think that John Mayer is alternative, but someone else may say, "no no there's no way. He sounds Indie or folk rock to me!" No one is right or wrong. It's solely based on opinion. I hope you can understand my viewpoint on this subject. Thank you.
deathtokoalas
well, no. the evidence is the music. it may not look like a duck, but it walks like one and quacks like one. you can put a duck in a new suit, but it's still a duck. i don't have to know what they look like in order to understand what it is.
they don't have to have long hair and wear their shirts open to be hair metal. it's sort of an out of date caricature, which is something i pointed out repeatedly. and, you may try to gain a sense of humour about it, because you're missing the joke.
they write catchy, vacuous songs about broken relationships. that's what hair metal is, and what ian mackeye was trying to copy back in the 80s in order to sell more records to young girls.
Memphis. Methods
then again someone can say they make pop music. Pop is obviously what you just described.. Broken relationships and catchy lyrics. So do indie and alternative bands. You're basically describing every genre out there.
deathtokoalas
hair metal, pop, blues, emo, whatever - they're all basically the same thing. the point is that this isn't punk rock. what i was trying to express, initially, is that it sounds like bon jovi, not that it fits the precise definition of any specific genre. i brought in genre markers to solidify the bon jovi sound-alike comparison, not the other way around.
Memphis. Methods
I'm not talking about Bon Jovi. I don't listen to him.
deathtokoalas
bon jovi was a band, not a person, and it's an important difference because jon bon jovi mostly wrote ballads as a solo artist but the band, bon jovi, more or less invented what we now refer to as "emo".
if you like this, you should check out new jersey.
yes, they wrote an album called new jersey. because they were from new jersey. just.....like....
Evanya Parker
Honestly, if you don't like them; fair enough. But don't comment your unwanted opinion. The comments should only really be open to people who ENJOY the music and like it. We don't want to hear what you have to say :)
deathtokoalas
why do you think i care what you think, or that you're entitled to a greater share of the comment space?
Evanya Parker
I'm not entitled to a greater share of the comment space at all. I think everyone who enjoys the music and maybe even has some actual CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (which is rather pointless as the band wouldn't see it anyway) towards the music video should be allowed a greater space of the comment section than you.
deathtokoalas
well, that's nice. thanks for sharing.
(deleted)
deathtokoalas
this is mainstream crap, you buffoon.
Nowell Kishimoto
oh, so this is on MTV right? And the radio? Yeah, thought so. Smh.
deathtokoalas
well, there's lots of shitty bands out there that haven't hit a break, and probably never will. that doesn't have anything to do with whether it's written for mtv and radio or not. and this clearly was....
George Porte
You are the epitome of music snob elitist. Everything you say is pretentious. There are varying amounts of inaccessibility for music depending on how much attention you are willing to invest into it. Nobody is going to look at this album and say it's one of the best albums of all time, obviously. But that isn't what it's supposed to be and I think you're missing the point of it. No, this isn't relabeled hair metal about fashion sex drugs and rock n roll, it's literally a group of childhood friends who are like 19 writing easy going (and loosely MBV influenced) alt rock with pretty generic but relatable emo lyrics that a teenager would really empathize with. But according to you're logic every single artist has to put out music as challenging as say, the movie donnie darko is. But in reality, there are different types of music for people who prefer a different amount of depth. It's like saying a comedy movie like wayne's world is bad because it doesn't break any molds or try to be something different when in reality it doesn't have to in order to be considered a good movie. Anyway, music taste is completely subjective so you're entitled to your opinion; but if you base everything about an artist on how expiremental/avant garde or how "corporate" they are, I think you're missing the bigger picture, honestly.
deathtokoalas
indeed. buy more disposable garbage. keeps the economy going.
and i need to point out again that i was checking out an opening act and trying to soften somebody's criticism by pointing out that, as boring as it may be, it is what it is. i don't go around looking for 80s radio rock to criticize....
i didn't make it to the show for a variety of reasons. the process of getting papers to cross from windsor to detroit has proven absurdly slow. gotta make sure terrorists like me have a hard time of it, i guess. second, i don't think defeater made the show, anyways. something to do with a sore back.
i'd not have thought anything else of this if people hadn't continued responding for months and months. and, i'd have closed the thread and deleted most of the responses weeks ago if i was unkie elvis up there. alas...
Bearslikejaimie
This comment is really pointless. Lol
deathtokoalas
you're subscribing to this thread, admit it. which frightens me.
Adam Moscinski
people like you make me hate people
deathtokoalas
the feeling's probably mutual, kid.
Wow. Boring! This crap put me to sleep! Where the fuck does a band like this get its influence from? Cough syrup commercials?
deathtokoalas
sounds like bon jovi, mostly.
i honestly don't care if people enjoy this. i just wish they'd stop marketing it wrong. it's hair metal, and the demographic is teenage girls that think the singer is cute.
arod13arod
in what fucking deluded world do you live in that you think this sounds even remotely like bon jovi?
deathtokoalas
i don't know how you can miss it, really. but i think thursday sounded like bon jovi, too. that whole jersey punk thing was 90% bon jovi, 10% ian mackeye.
(deleted)
deathtokoalas
i'm sorry that you don't realize that corporate emo and hair metal are indistinguishable up to the age of the listener.
Nickelpitts
Stop hating on a talented band. If you don't like it, listen to your own crap. Just don't make fun of people's musical interest.
deathtokoalas
i didn't, honestly. i stated specifically that i have no ill will at all whatsoever in any form or content towards people who enjoy music of this particular variety. my interjection into the conversation was even with the specific intent of converting a crude outburst of disgust into a more tolerant discourse. you oaf. that being said, my lack of ill will towards those that do enjoy this does not in any way preclude me from making objective, comparable statements about the nature of said sound - namely that emo of the pop-punk variety is virtually indistinguishable from bon jovi in terms of melody and songwriting structure. they may have different hair. i'm talking about sound, though.
so, might i reflect to those that feel the need to jump to conclusions that inquiry is not equivalent to hostility and people that don't enjoy the same music as you don't therefore (implication i think, here, is key) hate you.
DatzWhatsUp
hahahahaha bon jovi hahahahaha
Nickelpitts
You know showing off your vocabulary to defend your unneeded criticism doesn't make you appear smarter. If anything calling me a "oaf" does nothing but convince me further that you simply consider yourself as someone who has a issue with tearing a talented band down in order to make yourself seem like a musical prodigy. At least they are following their dream >.> not making fun of other musicians.
deathtokoalas
ok, but now you're basically conceding the point that i wasn't intending to tear anybody down and tearing down a strawman of me instead. and, to that end, i wish you great fun. i'd even help brainstorm strawman ideas to tear down if i didn't think it was a waste of time.
TheStory SoFar
Actually I've been listening to them for awhile now and I never once looked at the band members so no, not everyone likes bands for their looks. Its how they can relate to lyrics and how they like the sound. Get your head out of your ass and go somewhere else.
deathtokoalas
nonono, i'm the one that tells people they have their heads in their asses.
my statements admittedly excluded the caveat that some people have incomprehensibly bad taste. apologies. but, on the balance of probabilities...
i actually don't know what these kids look like either, i just assumed they have long hair and wear their shirts open. that's what they sound like, anyways...
TrulyHorrifying Productions
There is two types of people in this entire conversation. People who dont like the music and fans of the music. Neither one can lose at the argument because both are providing theories that are un-falsifiable, one saying that the music is bad and one saying it is good. Neither of the statements can be proven wrong because they are solely based on personal opinion one can tell the other as many things as they want to "prove" they're wrong but no one will ever come to conclusion because both people a basing their evidence on opinions. Therefore it is pointless to argue with one another; so share your opinion and view others opinions with open mindedness everyone's personal interpretation of art is meant to be different so don't ruin it by being egotistical about your own opinion. Art was never meant to mean one thing it was meant to mean many things to many people.
deathtokoalas
you're trying to say something that intends to be technically correct, if somewhat lacking in it's application to art, but you're both interpreting it badly and misunderstanding what is written here.
i've been blatantly clear that i'm not judging this, but simply pointing out that the marketing is terrible. this isn't punk, and shouldn't be marketed as though it is. i wouldn't have even found my way here to this page at all if it weren't for the bad marketing. i don't often click through to bands that sound like bon jovi. what i'm irritated about is actually that i was tricked into listening to this at all. had it just been marketed as radio music like it should have been, i wouldn't have wasted my time with it. conversely, i think it likely that there's a lot of young people that could be connected to this by advertising it to a more bubblegum market.
i think that what you meant to say is rather that comparing music needs to be done in a way that is coherent. so, "dead kennedys are better than beethoven" isn't a meaningful statement. but, arguing over whether dead kennedys or black flag were better is something that can be done meaningfully.
TheStory SoFar
Let's just stop talking to her about it. She obviously doesn't understand that this sounds nothing like Bon Jovi and we don't want to listen to her act like she knows everything about music when she doesn't. I mean come on, she called this hair metal. She obviously has no idea what she's talking about so why allow her the satisfaction of your time to post a comment. Just leave her to her delusions and move on.
deathtokoalas
...but it does sound like bon jovi. bon jovi was exceedingly melodic corporate rock music without any kind of discernible message that was centered around fashion, designed for arena rock play and radio domination. this is precisely the same thing. they just have a different fashion sense, because they're separated by a generation. i'm sorry you don't see the comparison.
listen to this and then listen to "you give love a bad name" and tell me it isn't the same genre.
as for my own music, i don't think it's questionable that it is produced at a far higher level of detail and production. however, it isn't remotely comparable to any kind of corporate rock music. it's flat out moronic to try and compare a four minute radio song to a forty-five minute symphony. they're created for different purposes, and listened to for different reasons. i'm not going to reach any points of reflection listening to weezer (although i may still think it's fun from time to time), nor am i going to have fun dancing to arvo part at the local bar. i don't suffer idiots well, and have just flat out blocked that hopeless dipshit.
people (and especially you shallow corporate emo / hair metal "punks") need to learn not to dismiss things that they don't understand. i wouldn't expect many people that post here to understand the music i produce, but i'd rather they admit that than ignorantly kneejerk and dismiss it.
Erik Paulson
Hold up, you are comparing the two based on their business model, but your logic is heavily flawed. The business model of hair metal incorporated giant record labels, huge budgets, overbearing guitarists, band antics, ect. The lyrics are unarguably more interesting in this genre. To assume that people here wouldn't understand what you produce is also stupid. You constantly post about Adrian Belew, an artist who hasn't done anything particularly interesting since the 80's. In summation, It's fine that you don't like this, but you need to reconsider your comparison.
deathtokoalas
one of the strongest comparisons is in the lyrics. the primary concept within hair metal lyrics was the objectification of women, either directly through reduction to "sexual play thing" or abstractly into evil, jezebel types. that's why i picked that particular bon jovi track. the thematic unity into what has been called emo, with all it's woes of sexual malice, is heavy-handed - and, i would argue, mostly linear in direct influence.
i have to separate out a few acts. i think i was checking out citizen in the first place because they were touring with defeater, who are lyrically not at all comparable (and, musically, really are pretty "grunge"). then there's la dispute, which take the emo stereotypes to a transcendent point of absurdity (and i'd argue are actually mostly descendent from tool and the mars volta). so, there are certainly examples where what is called emo has more interesting lyrics than what is called hair metal. but, i think it's a stretch to compare citizen to defeater or la dispute or put them into the same genre in the first place. that is to say that this argument is not applicable to this band.
rather, overall, it's the comparisons in the lyrics that dominate.
how much classical music do you listen to, erik? how much do (or did) your parents listen to? how much do (or did) your grandparents listen to?
now, as for belew, he's been on my mind lately because i run a sort of a hobby review site. he happens to be my current topic of review. in actuality, belew's solo work in the 80s was terrible - mostly second rate bowie and byrne knockoffs. this is widely acknowledged. he was, however, involved in some of the most important records of the 90s. for example, he was responsible for most of nine inch nails' lead guitar work in the mid to late 90s (including on the downward spiral). his "strong period" actually begins in the mid-90s (when he was in his mid 40s), when he stopped trying to be somebody he wasn't.
you'd do well to have a little bit of respect for important and influential artists, rather than buy into the continued corporate narrative of generational overturn. when you grow up a little bit, you'll understand that age is something the industry correlates with music to create specialized markets, and pushing that narrative pretty much makes you a tool.
the site is over here for the curious:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/music/index/index.html
kurtless guhle
i don't know about you guys but music is suppose to bring people together, hold hands while singing the lyrics to your favorite song. not this shit, to be honest i thank the internet for showing me music but fuck all you hurting people craving attention. music is the only thing that makes sense in this world and you are ruining it one step at a time
deathtokoalas
ugh. fucking hippies.
world's full of conflict, man. best way to reach nirvana (pun not intended) is to shoot yourself in the forehead.
the hippies’ approach to revolution:
GUYS WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG.
bosses should love their employees as the force which gives them life and luxury, and employees should love their bosses for expropriating their labour.
marx is bad karma, man.
danny shuddup
For the record, they aren't hair metal, and I doubt anybody likes them for their looks. I like the band and no disrespect is meant but the singer sort of looks like Pepper from American Horror Story: Asylum. But yeah, look at their Waiting Room set and you can see that they aren't hair metal...
deathtokoalas
that reference means nothing to me. but this discussion has already been had, and it's already been explained that contemporary hair metal looks a little bit different than it used to - and that, musically, it's in the same category.
cklin114
"and that, musically, it's in the same category."
for fuck's sake, shut the fuck up
deathtokoalas
yeah, great. i provide all kinds of valid comparisons about the shared misogyny, melodic approaches and aesthetics of emo and hair metal, and your response is "shut the fuck up".
i'd rather extend the invitation to you, all of the fucking whiny brats that listen to this and all of the bands that perpetuate the continued idiocy.
danny shuddup
You shouldn't really be so judgemental when your own music is shit... And you look like fucking tiny tim
deathtokoalas
again, i'm not about to take critical evaluation from people that listen to glossy pop music. i wouldn't expect you to remotely understand anything that demonstrates any kind of depth.
people that listen to this kind of radio drivel are not my "target demographic" (if you'll allow me to be crude), and i really couldn't care less what you think - other than to correct your constant ignorance and/or tell you to shut up because you're being fucking annoying, yet again.
i was here to check out a band that was touring with defeater, and agreed with somebody's revolted reaction. because this is revoltingly bad, especially in comparison to something as in depth and intense as defeater. i would have probably skipped the show, had defeater not cancelled (and made the show not worth attending).
nor, again, was i intending to be particularly insulting. i was simply drawing attention to the reality that it sounds a whole lot like bon jovi.
danny shuddup
It sounds like your target is to not have a demographic
deathtokoalas
it's music for adults and precocious young people, which i'm not going to find many of here. i'm probably at least ten years older than you are, possibly closer to or maybe even more than fifteen (although probably not as many as twenty). and maybe i grew up too fast. but i happen to have a soft spot for no bullshit, riff-heavy, solid grunge (like defeater, not like this), which brought me into contact with this. i wouldn't normally go anywhere near this type of music or the people that listen to it...
danny shuddup
You might be confusing precocious with pretentious
deathtokoalas
no. rather, i'd suggest you don't know what either word means.
Matt Gaub
Mom- "Hey honey, what did you do today?"
You- "LEAVE ME ALONE, MOM! I'm getting into pointless Youtube arguments! I know more about music than anyone, and everyone needs to know that! Now make me my goddamn hot pocket!"
Mom- "Sounds good! Pepperoni pizza or ham and cheese?"
You- "HAM AND CHEESE! IT'S THE ORIGINAL!"
deathtokoalas
shut up and click my links.
and, yes, it's a far better idea than paying $50 to play an empty bar (plus 1 or 2 hopeless hipsters), while the kids stay home and surf their tablets. especially in this cozy suburb of detroit...
maybe, one day i'll meet some musicians with similar tastes. but, it hasn't happened yet, and i'm not counting on it.
so, shut up and click my links.
Memphis. Methods
You stated, "i actually don't know what these kids look like either, i just assumed they have long hair and wear their shirts open. that's what they sound like, anyways..." You just proved a lot of people's arguments about you. You stated they were a hair band yet you don't know what they look like."it's hair metal, and the demographic is teenage girls that think the singer is cute." You also stated above that you assumed. Assuming lead you to this long argument you've got yourself into. I understand that you meant no harm and you are probably trolling, but this has gone rather farther than expected I bet. This is something that will never end musically. No one really knows what genre something is. We all THINK we know when in reality we have no idea. We are trained by ear to hear what we think. We can think that John Mayer is alternative, but someone else may say, "no no there's no way. He sounds Indie or folk rock to me!" No one is right or wrong. It's solely based on opinion. I hope you can understand my viewpoint on this subject. Thank you.
deathtokoalas
well, no. the evidence is the music. it may not look like a duck, but it walks like one and quacks like one. you can put a duck in a new suit, but it's still a duck. i don't have to know what they look like in order to understand what it is.
they don't have to have long hair and wear their shirts open to be hair metal. it's sort of an out of date caricature, which is something i pointed out repeatedly. and, you may try to gain a sense of humour about it, because you're missing the joke.
they write catchy, vacuous songs about broken relationships. that's what hair metal is, and what ian mackeye was trying to copy back in the 80s in order to sell more records to young girls.
Memphis. Methods
then again someone can say they make pop music. Pop is obviously what you just described.. Broken relationships and catchy lyrics. So do indie and alternative bands. You're basically describing every genre out there.
deathtokoalas
hair metal, pop, blues, emo, whatever - they're all basically the same thing. the point is that this isn't punk rock. what i was trying to express, initially, is that it sounds like bon jovi, not that it fits the precise definition of any specific genre. i brought in genre markers to solidify the bon jovi sound-alike comparison, not the other way around.
Memphis. Methods
I'm not talking about Bon Jovi. I don't listen to him.
deathtokoalas
bon jovi was a band, not a person, and it's an important difference because jon bon jovi mostly wrote ballads as a solo artist but the band, bon jovi, more or less invented what we now refer to as "emo".
if you like this, you should check out new jersey.
yes, they wrote an album called new jersey. because they were from new jersey. just.....like....
Evanya Parker
Honestly, if you don't like them; fair enough. But don't comment your unwanted opinion. The comments should only really be open to people who ENJOY the music and like it. We don't want to hear what you have to say :)
deathtokoalas
why do you think i care what you think, or that you're entitled to a greater share of the comment space?
Evanya Parker
I'm not entitled to a greater share of the comment space at all. I think everyone who enjoys the music and maybe even has some actual CONSTRUCTIVE criticism (which is rather pointless as the band wouldn't see it anyway) towards the music video should be allowed a greater space of the comment section than you.
deathtokoalas
well, that's nice. thanks for sharing.
(deleted)
deathtokoalas
this is mainstream crap, you buffoon.
Nowell Kishimoto
oh, so this is on MTV right? And the radio? Yeah, thought so. Smh.
deathtokoalas
well, there's lots of shitty bands out there that haven't hit a break, and probably never will. that doesn't have anything to do with whether it's written for mtv and radio or not. and this clearly was....
George Porte
You are the epitome of music snob elitist. Everything you say is pretentious. There are varying amounts of inaccessibility for music depending on how much attention you are willing to invest into it. Nobody is going to look at this album and say it's one of the best albums of all time, obviously. But that isn't what it's supposed to be and I think you're missing the point of it. No, this isn't relabeled hair metal about fashion sex drugs and rock n roll, it's literally a group of childhood friends who are like 19 writing easy going (and loosely MBV influenced) alt rock with pretty generic but relatable emo lyrics that a teenager would really empathize with. But according to you're logic every single artist has to put out music as challenging as say, the movie donnie darko is. But in reality, there are different types of music for people who prefer a different amount of depth. It's like saying a comedy movie like wayne's world is bad because it doesn't break any molds or try to be something different when in reality it doesn't have to in order to be considered a good movie. Anyway, music taste is completely subjective so you're entitled to your opinion; but if you base everything about an artist on how expiremental/avant garde or how "corporate" they are, I think you're missing the bigger picture, honestly.
deathtokoalas
indeed. buy more disposable garbage. keeps the economy going.
and i need to point out again that i was checking out an opening act and trying to soften somebody's criticism by pointing out that, as boring as it may be, it is what it is. i don't go around looking for 80s radio rock to criticize....
i didn't make it to the show for a variety of reasons. the process of getting papers to cross from windsor to detroit has proven absurdly slow. gotta make sure terrorists like me have a hard time of it, i guess. second, i don't think defeater made the show, anyways. something to do with a sore back.
i'd not have thought anything else of this if people hadn't continued responding for months and months. and, i'd have closed the thread and deleted most of the responses weeks ago if i was unkie elvis up there. alas...
Bearslikejaimie
This comment is really pointless. Lol
deathtokoalas
you're subscribing to this thread, admit it. which frightens me.
Adam Moscinski
people like you make me hate people
deathtokoalas
the feeling's probably mutual, kid.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Nice to hear from you.
From: the surviving uncle
To: <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Yeah, the first few months are usually a bit up and down as you get familiar with your new surroundings, but I've always found it's good to actually take a chance in life and try something new. To what do you think you can attribute being more content than you have ever been?
To: <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Yeah, the first few months are usually a bit up and down as you get familiar with your new surroundings, but I've always found it's good to actually take a chance in life and try something new. To what do you think you can attribute being more content than you have ever been?
re: got your card and check...
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother's email address
believe it or not, it is actually almost that cold here. the lows for the last week have been pushing -25, and there's another week of it. it's definitely unusual. they're consistently just missing records by a degree or so. but it is unusually cold here...
it was supposed to warm up this morning, but they shifted the forecast. now i'm debating whether i should do groceries in a -15 windchill or wait it out with spaghetti. i made sure to get several weeks worth of spaghetti, but it was for financial emergency not cold weather....
there's a few little things i need to get around the house. that's where it will go directly. but, it could easily be accounted backwards as a replacement for more frivolous spending last week.
....but, yeah. it's cold, but i've seen this before. people that have lived here their whole lives are in shock.
j
To: grandmother's email address
believe it or not, it is actually almost that cold here. the lows for the last week have been pushing -25, and there's another week of it. it's definitely unusual. they're consistently just missing records by a degree or so. but it is unusually cold here...
it was supposed to warm up this morning, but they shifted the forecast. now i'm debating whether i should do groceries in a -15 windchill or wait it out with spaghetti. i made sure to get several weeks worth of spaghetti, but it was for financial emergency not cold weather....
there's a few little things i need to get around the house. that's where it will go directly. but, it could easily be accounted backwards as a replacement for more frivolous spending last week.
....but, yeah. it's cold, but i've seen this before. people that have lived here their whole lives are in shock.
j
Friday, January 24, 2014
reposting gravity's rainbow to google+
no, google. i don't want you to hide the posts that get the least hits. they're the ones that the fewest people are seeing, and consequently require the most promotion. if you're going to hide anything, i'd rather you hide the posts that get the most hits.
and, no, i don't think my social media accounts should be a popular democracy. this is a personal fiefdom. i reign as a tyrant over these realms.
so, if you're going to hide the posts with the least hits, i'll keep posting them. and i'll call you assholes for it.
assholes.
04 gravity's rainbow [2000]
and, no, i don't think my social media accounts should be a popular democracy. this is a personal fiefdom. i reign as a tyrant over these realms.
so, if you're going to hide the posts with the least hits, i'll keep posting them. and i'll call you assholes for it.
assholes.
04 gravity's rainbow [2000]
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
re: got your card and check...
From: grandmother's email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I'm glad to hear you received it, buy something frivolous with it!We are back in a deep freeze again,how about Windsor?We are in the minus 30 degree range I doubt it would be that cold there.Oh well January is nearly over & I can see the days are getting longer now.All for now~~ Ta Ta.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I'm glad to hear you received it, buy something frivolous with it!We are back in a deep freeze again,how about Windsor?We are in the minus 30 degree range I doubt it would be that cold there.Oh well January is nearly over & I can see the days are getting longer now.All for now~~ Ta Ta.
Monday, January 20, 2014
uploading ignorance is bliss to youtube
this google/youtube interface is worse than facebook.
if i delete this completely useless comment, the video will disappear from my google+ page. so, i'd get used to seeing empty comments on most videos until whoever designed this horrible system pulls their head out of their own ass.
it would be nice if they'd just spin youtube off, or at least keep them completely separate, but using youtube nowadays more or less means using google+. in time, it will probably destroy youtube. seriously. invest in vimeo. these changes will not be popular.
for the mean time, the empty comment seems to be unavoidable.
it's defiant pointlessness is going to slowly enrage me until it reaches a breaking point, and then i'm going to go on a rampage.
ignorance is bliss [2000]
if i delete this completely useless comment, the video will disappear from my google+ page. so, i'd get used to seeing empty comments on most videos until whoever designed this horrible system pulls their head out of their own ass.
it would be nice if they'd just spin youtube off, or at least keep them completely separate, but using youtube nowadays more or less means using google+. in time, it will probably destroy youtube. seriously. invest in vimeo. these changes will not be popular.
for the mean time, the empty comment seems to be unavoidable.
it's defiant pointlessness is going to slowly enrage me until it reaches a breaking point, and then i'm going to go on a rampage.
ignorance is bliss [2000]
Sunday, January 19, 2014
i got into an argument this evening.
listen: we could build a society where we're not exploiting each other. we have the technology. we just have to do it.
but all anybody ever says is "human nature this" and "work is sacred that". people don't want to build this society, they just want to be the person doing the exploiting.
to an extent, i realize how brainwashed people are, but to an extent they're fulfilling their own prophesy. they don't want to build a society that prevents themselves from holding the whips. people secretly conspire to be monarchs, running their own fiefdoms.
so, fuck you all, then. if you all insist on an exploitative society, i'm not about to bend over and take it. just because you're convinced you can be queen of make-believe land doesn't mean i should have to go do some stupid nonsense all day.
so, i'll exploit y'all by free loading.
don't like that? well, i have plenty of ideas if you want...
oh, i'm a utopian, am i? well, too bad, then. i have alternatives, but if you're going to fix my choice between getting fucked over and fucking you over because you want to fuck me over, then i'm going to fuck you over.
and fuck you for getting upset about it.
no rational individual would choose being exploited by others over exploiting others. it's not the choice i want, but it's the choice i have.
(the truth is i could fudge the accounting so that i'm living off of excess production, meaning i don't actually cost society a dime that they wouldn't have flushed down the toilet anyways, but it's an arbitrary exercise, and it really ignores the point.)
(at the end of the day, 75% of the money they give me goes back to them in taxes - most of it in property taxes. almost all of the rest of it goes towards food that would get thrown out if nobody bought it. i don't really cost the system anything in any kind of measurable terms.)
the day the local supermarket runs out of food, get back to me on this, but i'm not holding my breath on that.
listen: we could build a society where we're not exploiting each other. we have the technology. we just have to do it.
but all anybody ever says is "human nature this" and "work is sacred that". people don't want to build this society, they just want to be the person doing the exploiting.
to an extent, i realize how brainwashed people are, but to an extent they're fulfilling their own prophesy. they don't want to build a society that prevents themselves from holding the whips. people secretly conspire to be monarchs, running their own fiefdoms.
so, fuck you all, then. if you all insist on an exploitative society, i'm not about to bend over and take it. just because you're convinced you can be queen of make-believe land doesn't mean i should have to go do some stupid nonsense all day.
so, i'll exploit y'all by free loading.
don't like that? well, i have plenty of ideas if you want...
oh, i'm a utopian, am i? well, too bad, then. i have alternatives, but if you're going to fix my choice between getting fucked over and fucking you over because you want to fuck me over, then i'm going to fuck you over.
and fuck you for getting upset about it.
no rational individual would choose being exploited by others over exploiting others. it's not the choice i want, but it's the choice i have.
(the truth is i could fudge the accounting so that i'm living off of excess production, meaning i don't actually cost society a dime that they wouldn't have flushed down the toilet anyways, but it's an arbitrary exercise, and it really ignores the point.)
(at the end of the day, 75% of the money they give me goes back to them in taxes - most of it in property taxes. almost all of the rest of it goes towards food that would get thrown out if nobody bought it. i don't really cost the system anything in any kind of measurable terms.)
the day the local supermarket runs out of food, get back to me on this, but i'm not holding my breath on that.
change of strategy. it's a little indulgent, but it's the only way to approach the material comprehensively that maintains both the conceptual unity of the period, in a historical sense, and the chronological continuity moving many years into the future.
i have four midi compositions from early 2001: stuck in the middle of an alley that is closing in on all sides, the symphony of psilocybin induced madness, the time machine and the intersection of two identical particles moving in complete opposite directions. together, this implies that i was feeling trapped studying particle physics and responded by doing mushrooms and reading science fiction. or maybe not.
each of these tracks has multiple different versions, not the least of which includes a stark contrast between a midi version and a version with live guitars (although only the second has been recorded with live guitars, as of now). so, i'm going to record these tracks with live guitars. this is what i'm doing, here, i'm cleaning up my old tracks. i've hit the point where it's time to actually record some music.
i'm going to package it up in three ways (and for the symphony, actually 5). first, each of these tracks will come in their own singles. the singles will include midi mixes, live mixes and mixes in between. second, the midi mixes will be extracted to form their own lp, with a release date at the end of 2001 (and that also includes further midi songs, including a perverted choral piece (i'm going to think about ways to create this using samples) and a rave version of beethoven's fifth). third, the live versions will be further sequenced together in tetris.
this will allow the listener to either (1) listen to all the versions of a specific song, and/or (2) listen to all the midi versions of all the songs and/or (3) listen to all the live versions of all the songs.
however, i'm putting this on pause for a few days. i've been neglecting my reading in a rush to get to the point where i have some recording to do. it won't take more than a few days to catch up on the reading, at which point i'll put my schedule (half day reading, half day recording) back in place.
you can follow along with the reading over here if you'd like:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/dgkfgkdjdgkhyffa/121496877937755
i have four midi compositions from early 2001: stuck in the middle of an alley that is closing in on all sides, the symphony of psilocybin induced madness, the time machine and the intersection of two identical particles moving in complete opposite directions. together, this implies that i was feeling trapped studying particle physics and responded by doing mushrooms and reading science fiction. or maybe not.
each of these tracks has multiple different versions, not the least of which includes a stark contrast between a midi version and a version with live guitars (although only the second has been recorded with live guitars, as of now). so, i'm going to record these tracks with live guitars. this is what i'm doing, here, i'm cleaning up my old tracks. i've hit the point where it's time to actually record some music.
i'm going to package it up in three ways (and for the symphony, actually 5). first, each of these tracks will come in their own singles. the singles will include midi mixes, live mixes and mixes in between. second, the midi mixes will be extracted to form their own lp, with a release date at the end of 2001 (and that also includes further midi songs, including a perverted choral piece (i'm going to think about ways to create this using samples) and a rave version of beethoven's fifth). third, the live versions will be further sequenced together in tetris.
this will allow the listener to either (1) listen to all the versions of a specific song, and/or (2) listen to all the midi versions of all the songs and/or (3) listen to all the live versions of all the songs.
however, i'm putting this on pause for a few days. i've been neglecting my reading in a rush to get to the point where i have some recording to do. it won't take more than a few days to catch up on the reading, at which point i'll put my schedule (half day reading, half day recording) back in place.
you can follow along with the reading over here if you'd like:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/dgkfgkdjdgkhyffa/121496877937755
ERROR: SENSORY OVERLOAD.
you have too many soundcards. please decide upon one soundcard and try again.
the setup is ridiculous. i've got cubase hooked up to an alesis multimix, which is great for recording multiple parts simultaneously. the pod has a soundcard in it, but i don't direct in much. if i'm going to direct in, i'd rather use an old soundblaster live drive!. and there's an m-audio for playback. i should probably point out that i've got the motherboard's hd chip turned right off [the drivers seems to want to dominate when they're installed].
so, now i'm playing back old midi files and am just being overwhelmed by the possibilities. worse, each synth has three or four different outs and they do all sound differently. i've determined that the "guitars" sound best through the soundblaster, but the drums sound best through the m-audio. so i'm probably going to actually mix it down from multiple synths....
i thought this would be fast and simple. guess not.
you have too many soundcards. please decide upon one soundcard and try again.
the setup is ridiculous. i've got cubase hooked up to an alesis multimix, which is great for recording multiple parts simultaneously. the pod has a soundcard in it, but i don't direct in much. if i'm going to direct in, i'd rather use an old soundblaster live drive!. and there's an m-audio for playback. i should probably point out that i've got the motherboard's hd chip turned right off [the drivers seems to want to dominate when they're installed].
so, now i'm playing back old midi files and am just being overwhelmed by the possibilities. worse, each synth has three or four different outs and they do all sound differently. i've determined that the "guitars" sound best through the soundblaster, but the drums sound best through the m-audio. so i'm probably going to actually mix it down from multiple synths....
i thought this would be fast and simple. guess not.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
as mentioned in the update i just posted to jan 1, 2001, this run through my discography is entering a phase (very late 2000 to very early 2002, and beyond, actually) where i spent a lot of time writing music into score writers. the program i used was called 'noteworthy composer', which is a shareware program from the windows 9x period that was never bettered on the windows platform in terms of ease of use (although i admit i've used mac programs that equal it in this way). i don't know why so many windows programs thought users would prefer to use mice over keyboards to enter notes. it's a horribly slow process...and don't even get me started on that icky cubase roll shit...
anyways, it's something like composing in finale or sibelius, just using a program that i find to have a more efficient graphical user interface. the end result of that process creates a midi file that's designed to be played with a synthesizer.
i've considered doing so, but i'm deciding not to market this as chiptune. it isn't computer game music, or at least isn't in the sense of sounding like existing game music. nor is it written into a chip, or created using trackers, it's written into a score writer like a piece of classical music would be. there are overlaps due to the shared tools, but i've never been a gamer and haven't been influenced by that sound. it would be disingenuous.
...but what's coming is different than what i've posted previously. the idea will show up in projects that follow, but not to the same extent.
i'm also considering writing some facelifts into some existing ry30/midi combos from the inri period. it's all put aside. how much i'm going to do, i don't know yet. but, it's going to depend partially on the length of the record i get up. there's nearly an hour of scored music from 2001. i don't want to go over 80 minutes.
some of it has already been recorded conventionally; some of it will be recorded conventionally in the near future. i'm not letting that get in the way of getting the midi files up. from a historical perspective, that's what i was doing, so that's what i'm uploading.
this project is going to bleed most naturally into the tetris project.
unfortunately, i don't have proper dates for this material, either. it's all dated to may 15, 2003. the software i was using to burn seems to have chosen the burn date. this is a massive annoyance for everything up until may, 2003.
lastly, i'm going to have to decide whether i want to use existing renderings or re-render. midi files sound differently through different synths.
all of that means that it could be up to a week before this is uploaded. i'm going to want to upload it all at the same time....
====
cited update
the first half of 2001 is a slightly blurry period for me. musically, i was in a "serious music" phase that included an interest in the classical guitar and a lot of writing into score-writers. while actual recorded music in this period is minimal, i was doing quite a lot of writing in various contexts. my thinking in the period was more dominated by political research than musical thought. in conjunction to this, i think i was dealing with my first bout of (still undiagnosed) schizophrenia.
it was around this point that i started scrawling graphic relationships all over my wall, as can be seen in my deny everything cover art and other scattered fragments that have been saved. i launched my first research website some time around here.
i worked three jobs over the summer and walked out of the experience slightly damaged. then 9/11 happened, which hit me in a peculiar way because it seemed like it was the actualization of all the things i was studying. i understand, now, that i was actually being prepared for it. that is to say not myself, personally, but the internet, in general. that might be hard for younger people to grasp, but the internet seems to have been very controlled at this point in ways that were neither intuitive then nor now.
either way, two things happened in the fall that pulled me away from the research and got me back into the recording process - the first was 9/11 and the second was a project that a friend of mine was working on, first called the cynicide collaboration and later converted into rabit iz wolf. moving into 2002, that would be the main focus of my musical energy.
for this period, though, there's not much - just a few messy guitar pieces and a handful of scores that in some cases have still not been addressed. yet, i am going to address those scores now.
anyways, it's something like composing in finale or sibelius, just using a program that i find to have a more efficient graphical user interface. the end result of that process creates a midi file that's designed to be played with a synthesizer.
i've considered doing so, but i'm deciding not to market this as chiptune. it isn't computer game music, or at least isn't in the sense of sounding like existing game music. nor is it written into a chip, or created using trackers, it's written into a score writer like a piece of classical music would be. there are overlaps due to the shared tools, but i've never been a gamer and haven't been influenced by that sound. it would be disingenuous.
...but what's coming is different than what i've posted previously. the idea will show up in projects that follow, but not to the same extent.
i'm also considering writing some facelifts into some existing ry30/midi combos from the inri period. it's all put aside. how much i'm going to do, i don't know yet. but, it's going to depend partially on the length of the record i get up. there's nearly an hour of scored music from 2001. i don't want to go over 80 minutes.
some of it has already been recorded conventionally; some of it will be recorded conventionally in the near future. i'm not letting that get in the way of getting the midi files up. from a historical perspective, that's what i was doing, so that's what i'm uploading.
this project is going to bleed most naturally into the tetris project.
unfortunately, i don't have proper dates for this material, either. it's all dated to may 15, 2003. the software i was using to burn seems to have chosen the burn date. this is a massive annoyance for everything up until may, 2003.
lastly, i'm going to have to decide whether i want to use existing renderings or re-render. midi files sound differently through different synths.
all of that means that it could be up to a week before this is uploaded. i'm going to want to upload it all at the same time....
====
cited update
the first half of 2001 is a slightly blurry period for me. musically, i was in a "serious music" phase that included an interest in the classical guitar and a lot of writing into score-writers. while actual recorded music in this period is minimal, i was doing quite a lot of writing in various contexts. my thinking in the period was more dominated by political research than musical thought. in conjunction to this, i think i was dealing with my first bout of (still undiagnosed) schizophrenia.
it was around this point that i started scrawling graphic relationships all over my wall, as can be seen in my deny everything cover art and other scattered fragments that have been saved. i launched my first research website some time around here.
i worked three jobs over the summer and walked out of the experience slightly damaged. then 9/11 happened, which hit me in a peculiar way because it seemed like it was the actualization of all the things i was studying. i understand, now, that i was actually being prepared for it. that is to say not myself, personally, but the internet, in general. that might be hard for younger people to grasp, but the internet seems to have been very controlled at this point in ways that were neither intuitive then nor now.
either way, two things happened in the fall that pulled me away from the research and got me back into the recording process - the first was 9/11 and the second was a project that a friend of mine was working on, first called the cynicide collaboration and later converted into rabit iz wolf. moving into 2002, that would be the main focus of my musical energy.
for this period, though, there's not much - just a few messy guitar pieces and a handful of scores that in some cases have still not been addressed. yet, i am going to address those scores now.
publishing j’s adventures in guitarland (inri045)
so, after some months of denial, i've come to the sober realization that most of my classical guitar monstrosities are now forever lost in the consequences of a snow-flooded backyard shed. i would shed a tear, if it weren't for the reality that they've been lost to my mind and my fingers for far too many years to recover them, anyways.
i would have laughed at you if you would have told me i'd be sitting here, thirteen years later, lamenting the fact that i never recorded these pieces. yet, here i am.
there's not really a good reason why i never recorded these. i just didn't. it's true that i was distracted by other projects, and that i wanted to make sure they were perfectly imperfect before i let them out. that doesn't explain why i never bothered demoing them, or even just recording them half-assed for historical purposes. alas...now they are gone...
i took classical guitar lessons for about a year from spring '00 to spring '01. by that time, i'd been playing guitar for almost ten years and had been through many years of blues and jazz training, albeit not for several years before then. i didn't want to go back to rock-era instruction, but i felt i could benefit from approaching the guitar with a different perspective. i also wanted to learn a little about counterpoint. so, we went with renaissance pieces to start off with (and which comprise this short offering) and more avant pieces by the likes of leo brouwer near the end.
a punk with a classical guitar is still a punk, just a punk with a classical guitar. throughout the experience, my cobain instincts and hendrix flairs overpowered any demands to play nicely. the truth is the guy i was paying absolutely despised me, but he also had a muted level of respect for somebody with the panache to actually think about even trying to pull this shit off. i caught him open-jawed a few times, as impressed as he was shocked.
there were almost twenty of these things written out. he'd present me with a score and i'd just go to town with it, scrawling notes all over it, changing chords, making up notation symbols, just whatever i thought sounded better. the results were a legitimate fusion of noise rock and classical guitar music in a way that stressed technical playing over atmospheres. what is present here is the very tip of this iceberg.
yet, i didn't want to just record them. i wanted to recreate them. the version of little suite that is here is a good example of where i wanted to take these things. the problem i ran into was that i didn't know how to. which isn't to say that i didn't how to do what i wanted but that i couldn't conceive of what i wanted to do. so, i kept putting it off until that stroke of inspiration would finally come...
it never came, and is now lost.
there will be a second version of this; how far in the future that will be, i cannot say. i think a part of me wants to wait until i'm older and is happy i now have the excuse to do that. for now, though, i'm closing down this project, restricting it to this short ep and an album of unrealized dreams.
recorded in the first part of 2001. initially released as a bandcamp upload in august, 2010. re-released on january 18, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - classical and electric guitars, ebow, effects, organ, synthesizers, sound design, sampling, sequencing, drum programming, vocals, digital wave editing
original authors forgotten. please contact if you recognize these pieces.
released may 10, 2001
i would have laughed at you if you would have told me i'd be sitting here, thirteen years later, lamenting the fact that i never recorded these pieces. yet, here i am.
there's not really a good reason why i never recorded these. i just didn't. it's true that i was distracted by other projects, and that i wanted to make sure they were perfectly imperfect before i let them out. that doesn't explain why i never bothered demoing them, or even just recording them half-assed for historical purposes. alas...now they are gone...
i took classical guitar lessons for about a year from spring '00 to spring '01. by that time, i'd been playing guitar for almost ten years and had been through many years of blues and jazz training, albeit not for several years before then. i didn't want to go back to rock-era instruction, but i felt i could benefit from approaching the guitar with a different perspective. i also wanted to learn a little about counterpoint. so, we went with renaissance pieces to start off with (and which comprise this short offering) and more avant pieces by the likes of leo brouwer near the end.
a punk with a classical guitar is still a punk, just a punk with a classical guitar. throughout the experience, my cobain instincts and hendrix flairs overpowered any demands to play nicely. the truth is the guy i was paying absolutely despised me, but he also had a muted level of respect for somebody with the panache to actually think about even trying to pull this shit off. i caught him open-jawed a few times, as impressed as he was shocked.
there were almost twenty of these things written out. he'd present me with a score and i'd just go to town with it, scrawling notes all over it, changing chords, making up notation symbols, just whatever i thought sounded better. the results were a legitimate fusion of noise rock and classical guitar music in a way that stressed technical playing over atmospheres. what is present here is the very tip of this iceberg.
yet, i didn't want to just record them. i wanted to recreate them. the version of little suite that is here is a good example of where i wanted to take these things. the problem i ran into was that i didn't know how to. which isn't to say that i didn't how to do what i wanted but that i couldn't conceive of what i wanted to do. so, i kept putting it off until that stroke of inspiration would finally come...
it never came, and is now lost.
there will be a second version of this; how far in the future that will be, i cannot say. i think a part of me wants to wait until i'm older and is happy i now have the excuse to do that. for now, though, i'm closing down this project, restricting it to this short ep and an album of unrealized dreams.
recorded in the first part of 2001. initially released as a bandcamp upload in august, 2010. re-released on january 18, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - classical and electric guitars, ebow, effects, organ, synthesizers, sound design, sampling, sequencing, drum programming, vocals, digital wave editing
original authors forgotten. please contact if you recognize these pieces.
released may 10, 2001
RE: a quick request
From: stepmother's email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
When I start packing to move I will look for any other boxes of yours and will let you know if I find any.
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
When I start packing to move I will look for any other boxes of yours and will let you know if I find any.
RE: windsor
From: stepmother's email address
To: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
Well I am glad you are settled and able to do the things you enjoy!
To: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
Well I am glad you are settled and able to do the things you enjoy!
Re: Hey.
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: the surviving uncle
now? the first few months here were up and down, but i'm currently actually probably more content than i've ever been. i'm not using this address much, though. i'm more responsive at death.to.koalas@gmail.com.
j
To: the surviving uncle
now? the first few months here were up and down, but i'm currently actually probably more content than i've ever been. i'm not using this address much, though. i'm more responsive at death.to.koalas@gmail.com.
j
Re: windsor
From: Jessica Murray [mailto:dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com]
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i wasn't checking this address at all after i moved in. i think i needed some space. so, i was sort of ignoring the channel of communication, but not anybody specifically. i'm using my other address (death.to.koalas@gmail.com) more frequently.
it's been sort of mixed over the last few months. the first little bit was difficult, but i had a lot of things to keep my mind focused on. i had to get the shower replaced, for example. the landlord did that.
he's pretty good, considering it's a divey place in windsor. he inherited a big chunk of money from his family's concrete business as well as responsibility over his slightly autistic brother and more autistic niece. they live upstairs. he's got three other units in the place rented out to cover costs, which basically means property taxes. so, i lucked out in finding a landlord that's not really interested in maximizing profit on the unit. one of the things we agreed upon is no rent increases, for example. that makes the living arrangement very stable, so long as i can continue to find a reasonable source of income. this is a huge two-bedroom basement apartment that is roughly similar in size and layout to the entire basement on arnot (knock the wall behind the tv down, put a kitchen in the back room and separate out the two bedrooms and it's virtually identical) for $650.
at the moment, i think i'm fairly content. i've been focusing a lot on music and reading - the things i really care about. i don't know anybody here, but i'm introverted enough that i'm not all that concerned about it.
regarding the city itself, it's sort of weird. i'm used to having everything located downtown and didn't think that there might be a city that's arranged the other way around. in windsor, everything is in the suburbs. so, if i want to get to a store to get anything that's not groceries, i need to take a bus ride. what used to be the main street through the italian district (i'm just north of little italy and just south of a mostly arabic district) is now mostly boarded up. you can really see the effects of the urban decay. the downtown core is mostly dilapidated buildings that are decades beyond the point of repair and would be torn down if the property they're on was worth anything and instead are a mix of dying businesses and low-rent apartments. there are little pockets of upkept buildings, but the reality is that the city would actually benefit massively from a huge fire.
i'm kind of more interested in the music scene in detroit than i am in windsor in any way. i haven't bothered getting a phone yet, which has made it impossible for me to get across the border. first i have to get a phone number (and i'll probably finally get a pay-as-you-go internet phone in the next few weeks), then i have to get a nexus card. i can't get a passport because i'd need a ridiculous 6 references. the nexus card is for "low risk travelers". but they won't just let you across for the day with a birth certificate like they used to, and like i sort of assumed they would. so i can't really say how much i like the city yet because i don't feel i've really experienced it. i made it out to a punk show in october, but windsor isn't the destination that most of the bands coming through here that i'm interested in are going to pick (although the casino here will sometimes outbid detroit for moderately large acts that don't want to enter downtown detroit).
regarding the safety of detroit? i don't know yet. i've read some things that suggest that there are areas to avoid but, overall, it's not any worse than any other major city - so long as you avoid those areas. i can't think i look like much of a target. and most of the destinations i have circled require going through the core on a bus. so i get the impression it'll probably be fine. i guess i'll find out, though.
i think i'm legitimately happy, here, though. the whole arrangement plays into my introversion and is maximizing my ability to be creative.
j
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i wasn't checking this address at all after i moved in. i think i needed some space. so, i was sort of ignoring the channel of communication, but not anybody specifically. i'm using my other address (death.to.koalas@gmail.com) more frequently.
it's been sort of mixed over the last few months. the first little bit was difficult, but i had a lot of things to keep my mind focused on. i had to get the shower replaced, for example. the landlord did that.
he's pretty good, considering it's a divey place in windsor. he inherited a big chunk of money from his family's concrete business as well as responsibility over his slightly autistic brother and more autistic niece. they live upstairs. he's got three other units in the place rented out to cover costs, which basically means property taxes. so, i lucked out in finding a landlord that's not really interested in maximizing profit on the unit. one of the things we agreed upon is no rent increases, for example. that makes the living arrangement very stable, so long as i can continue to find a reasonable source of income. this is a huge two-bedroom basement apartment that is roughly similar in size and layout to the entire basement on arnot (knock the wall behind the tv down, put a kitchen in the back room and separate out the two bedrooms and it's virtually identical) for $650.
at the moment, i think i'm fairly content. i've been focusing a lot on music and reading - the things i really care about. i don't know anybody here, but i'm introverted enough that i'm not all that concerned about it.
regarding the city itself, it's sort of weird. i'm used to having everything located downtown and didn't think that there might be a city that's arranged the other way around. in windsor, everything is in the suburbs. so, if i want to get to a store to get anything that's not groceries, i need to take a bus ride. what used to be the main street through the italian district (i'm just north of little italy and just south of a mostly arabic district) is now mostly boarded up. you can really see the effects of the urban decay. the downtown core is mostly dilapidated buildings that are decades beyond the point of repair and would be torn down if the property they're on was worth anything and instead are a mix of dying businesses and low-rent apartments. there are little pockets of upkept buildings, but the reality is that the city would actually benefit massively from a huge fire.
i'm kind of more interested in the music scene in detroit than i am in windsor in any way. i haven't bothered getting a phone yet, which has made it impossible for me to get across the border. first i have to get a phone number (and i'll probably finally get a pay-as-you-go internet phone in the next few weeks), then i have to get a nexus card. i can't get a passport because i'd need a ridiculous 6 references. the nexus card is for "low risk travelers". but they won't just let you across for the day with a birth certificate like they used to, and like i sort of assumed they would. so i can't really say how much i like the city yet because i don't feel i've really experienced it. i made it out to a punk show in october, but windsor isn't the destination that most of the bands coming through here that i'm interested in are going to pick (although the casino here will sometimes outbid detroit for moderately large acts that don't want to enter downtown detroit).
regarding the safety of detroit? i don't know yet. i've read some things that suggest that there are areas to avoid but, overall, it's not any worse than any other major city - so long as you avoid those areas. i can't think i look like much of a target. and most of the destinations i have circled require going through the core on a bus. so i get the impression it'll probably be fine. i guess i'll find out, though.
i think i'm legitimately happy, here, though. the whole arrangement plays into my introversion and is maximizing my ability to be creative.
j
a quick request
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i hear you're moving soon. i know you've indicated to me that there aren't any extra boxes around, and that some things were damaged in the backyard on lexington and consequently discarded, but i'd just like to reiterate that i am missing a number of things that are important to me and that if you do find anything that you believe belongs to me i'd appreciate it if you contact me about shipping here instead of discarding it. i'm still holding out hope that there's a specific box of papers, books and posters that's hiding under a staircase somewhere or something.
i also lent my father a book about game theory, called "game theory and strategy". the author is philip straffin. i lent it to him before i packed anything up, so it would have probably just have been sitting out on his bookshelf. if that's around, it would be nice to have it returned as well.
j
To: stepmother's email address
hi.
i hear you're moving soon. i know you've indicated to me that there aren't any extra boxes around, and that some things were damaged in the backyard on lexington and consequently discarded, but i'd just like to reiterate that i am missing a number of things that are important to me and that if you do find anything that you believe belongs to me i'd appreciate it if you contact me about shipping here instead of discarding it. i'm still holding out hope that there's a specific box of papers, books and posters that's hiding under a staircase somewhere or something.
i also lent my father a book about game theory, called "game theory and strategy". the author is philip straffin. i lent it to him before i packed anything up, so it would have probably just have been sitting out on his bookshelf. if that's around, it would be nice to have it returned as well.
j
re: sheet music
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister's email address
yes. those are the books.
actually, with the box of books, i think she may have taken it upon herself to take the books back that she thought belonged to her father or brother. this is partly why i was thinking the piano books may have made their way to you. she didn't *just* rebox, she took some stuff out in the process. see, i make lists of everything, so i have a list of books. i can compare. i've noticed a weak correlation between missing books and books that i picked up from her dad's basement after he died. some of them were actually her fathers, including some old translated soviet propaganda that i found quite interesting, as well as a copy of the republic, and some of them weren't - like the machiavelli, for example, or the iliad. but the theme of missing books seems to be "old books that she thought (sometimes correctly and sometimes incorrectly) were her fathers". excluding the old soviet propaganda, it's all stuff i can pick up for a few bucks at a garage sale or a used store.
unfortunately, the sheet music is both irreplaceable and worthless. the sad thing is that this is the case for most of the things that are missing. my old retired shirts are missing. i can't replace those and they're worth nothing. i can't replace a sketch that sarah drew of me playing guitar. i can't replace my "Certificate of Provenance" from coil, or the mogwai poster, or these other sorts of things that are gone.
*shrug*.
j
To: sister's email address
yes. those are the books.
unfortunately, the sheet music is both irreplaceable and worthless. the sad thing is that this is the case for most of the things that are missing. my old retired shirts are missing. i can't replace those and they're worth nothing. i can't replace a sketch that sarah drew of me playing guitar. i can't replace my "Certificate of Provenance" from coil, or the mogwai poster, or these other sorts of things that are gone.
*shrug*.
j
re: sheet music
From: sister's email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Did they look like these? I'm missing the whole set...(well, I've bought some of them over the years, but definitely not all the ones I had). They had some personal momentos (Ottawa Music Academy certificates) and notes in them that I wanted to keep as well. That sucks that they're gone for good.
Did I ever tell you that when they moved out of Normandy while I was in CHEO that she got rid of ALL of my books, CDs, as well as THREE leather trenchcoats and a bunch of clothes that I had? Never got an apology for that one either.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Did they look like these? I'm missing the whole set...(well, I've bought some of them over the years, but definitely not all the ones I had). They had some personal momentos (Ottawa Music Academy certificates) and notes in them that I wanted to keep as well. That sucks that they're gone for good.
Did I ever tell you that when they moved out of Normandy while I was in CHEO that she got rid of ALL of my books, CDs, as well as THREE leather trenchcoats and a bunch of clothes that I had? Never got an apology for that one either.
re: sheet music
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister's email address
the stuff was in there over the winter. the snow melted. it flooded. the reboxing occurred as a result of the flooding.
she's already indicated that she threw out "old boxes", "moldy binders" and "destroyed papers". i've realized since that she threw out at least one large box of books (because i'm missing a few text books, and some stuff by machiavelli, and other things).
i didn't really pay a lot of attention to the piano books. they were very elementary - grades 1, 2, 3. i think they were purple and pink. they had cubes or something on the front. i think i was going to give them to sarah for her kids, as she had an old piano in her living room, but they never found their way there.
ugh. taliban jackie strikes again. no use dwelling on it.
j
To: sister's email address
the stuff was in there over the winter. the snow melted. it flooded. the reboxing occurred as a result of the flooding.
she's already indicated that she threw out "old boxes", "moldy binders" and "destroyed papers". i've realized since that she threw out at least one large box of books (because i'm missing a few text books, and some stuff by machiavelli, and other things).
i didn't really pay a lot of attention to the piano books. they were very elementary - grades 1, 2, 3. i think they were purple and pink. they had cubes or something on the front. i think i was going to give them to sarah for her kids, as she had an old piano in her living room, but they never found their way there.
ugh. taliban jackie strikes again. no use dwelling on it.
j
re: sheet music
From: sister's email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Which of my old piano books are you talking about, because I AM missing a bunch of my old piano books, and could never figure out where the hell they went. I have bought many replacements over the years from book shops and library sales. I don't have any guitar sheet music at all, but I also don't think there was ever a flood in the shed; are you referring to the shed on Lexington (3)? Everything was packed up into expensive banker boxes for you there, was it not? All I know is that all your stuff ended up in the garage in Findlay Creek, except for the electronics, which were kept in the basement. If you are missing electronic stuff, the stepmother would be the person to talk to about that, as it is possible that some little stuff like that was overlooked in the moving process. She is moving in the next few months, however, so I would get in touch with her about it sooner than later.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Which of my old piano books are you talking about, because I AM missing a bunch of my old piano books, and could never figure out where the hell they went. I have bought many replacements over the years from book shops and library sales. I don't have any guitar sheet music at all, but I also don't think there was ever a flood in the shed; are you referring to the shed on Lexington (3)? Everything was packed up into expensive banker boxes for you there, was it not? All I know is that all your stuff ended up in the garage in Findlay Creek, except for the electronics, which were kept in the basement. If you are missing electronic stuff, the stepmother would be the person to talk to about that, as it is possible that some little stuff like that was overlooked in the moving process. She is moving in the next few months, however, so I would get in touch with her about it sooner than later.
sheet music
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister's email address
i'm missing a great deal of sheet music. the stuff that's important to me is the stuff i marked up when taking classical guitar lessons at the end of 2000 and into 2001. that was a long time ago, but i always meant to record some of those marked up pieces when i had the time to do it. that never happened (well, i got two done, and have a midi version of a third). but, i'm running through my recordings and would like to complete this now, if i could.
of course, i don't remember any of the parts and it would certainly sound different now than it did then, but we can surprise ourselves in the way music comes back to us.
some of them were renaissance guitar pieces, others were celtic jigs and others were by people like leo brouwer. they've been scribbled over to the point that i'm the only person that could at all remotely understand any of it. you really couldn't miss them, if you have them.
and i think you might have them. the truth is a lot of things went missing. i had some electronics in boxes that may have been deduced to be empty and weren't. so, i lost a router and roland keys and other things. there were other boxes that may have been thrown out due to getting destroyed in the flood in the shed.
i'm hoping that's not what happened to the sheet music, though. it would have been packaged up together in a plastic bag or small box with the other sheet music, which included a bunch of your old piano books. i don't remember how i got those old piano books. i think you had decided you were going to throw them out, and i ended up with them instead. if you ended up with those old books, you ended up with the sheet music.
i would greatly appreciate it if you could return that sheet music to me if you do have it. if not, i guess it got destroyed by the water in the shed.
j
To: sister's email address
i'm missing a great deal of sheet music. the stuff that's important to me is the stuff i marked up when taking classical guitar lessons at the end of 2000 and into 2001. that was a long time ago, but i always meant to record some of those marked up pieces when i had the time to do it. that never happened (well, i got two done, and have a midi version of a third). but, i'm running through my recordings and would like to complete this now, if i could.
of course, i don't remember any of the parts and it would certainly sound different now than it did then, but we can surprise ourselves in the way music comes back to us.
some of them were renaissance guitar pieces, others were celtic jigs and others were by people like leo brouwer. they've been scribbled over to the point that i'm the only person that could at all remotely understand any of it. you really couldn't miss them, if you have them.
and i think you might have them. the truth is a lot of things went missing. i had some electronics in boxes that may have been deduced to be empty and weren't. so, i lost a router and roland keys and other things. there were other boxes that may have been thrown out due to getting destroyed in the flood in the shed.
i'm hoping that's not what happened to the sheet music, though. it would have been packaged up together in a plastic bag or small box with the other sheet music, which included a bunch of your old piano books. i don't remember how i got those old piano books. i think you had decided you were going to throw them out, and i ended up with them instead. if you ended up with those old books, you ended up with the sheet music.
i would greatly appreciate it if you could return that sheet music to me if you do have it. if not, i guess it got destroyed by the water in the shed.
j
Friday, January 17, 2014
that was an unscheduled break. i feel i needed it, though. head is now cleared, time to get back to it.
i have a bit of quality control listening to do in finishing up the deny everything period. i may have to slightly modify a few files. nothing substantial, but i may have accidentally uploaded some corrupt files. not sure yet (it might be something i've never noticed in the track). i should be on to the guitarland within hours and finished that by the weekend at the latest.
there's two major projects left to complete before i get back into the recording phase. one is a noise project that comes together through various sources, while the other is an indie rock project i did with an old friend of mine. these should be quick ups.
once those get up, i'm thrown into a hybrid trivial group / tetris period that is neither complete nor well organized. it will mostly be straight ups pushing into about '05. at that point, my first priority is likely going to be to complete my sixth symphony.
so, here i go, entering the end of the transition...
i have a bit of quality control listening to do in finishing up the deny everything period. i may have to slightly modify a few files. nothing substantial, but i may have accidentally uploaded some corrupt files. not sure yet (it might be something i've never noticed in the track). i should be on to the guitarland within hours and finished that by the weekend at the latest.
there's two major projects left to complete before i get back into the recording phase. one is a noise project that comes together through various sources, while the other is an indie rock project i did with an old friend of mine. these should be quick ups.
once those get up, i'm thrown into a hybrid trivial group / tetris period that is neither complete nor well organized. it will mostly be straight ups pushing into about '05. at that point, my first priority is likely going to be to complete my sixth symphony.
so, here i go, entering the end of the transition...
got your card and check...
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother's email address
thank you kindly :)
j
To: grandmother's email address
thank you kindly :)
j
it seems like the guy upstairs has moved to the third floor. which
has some short-term benefits. i think i'm now free to make smoothies
between 11:00 PM and 8:00 AM. not that i wasn't before, but it's common
courtesy to keep that kind of noise down. generally speaking, the larger
noise buffer is sort of relieving.
nobody has said anything to me about noise, and i don't think that was the cause for the move. rather, i think the recent cold snap produced an evacuation.
personally, i saw it coming and prepared by cranking the heat a few days in advance. when the wind was blowing around out there near -50, the thermostat in my room was a hair under 24 degrees celsius; it was admittedly not able to hold itself there, and the temperature on the thermostat doesn't actually reflect the temperature in the room (which was more like 18 or 19) but the apartment was comfortable.
i realize, though, that it could have been very uncomfortable down here if i just let it sit at 20, oblivious to what was happening outside. i suspect that's why the guy upstairs retreated to safer ground.
which would be fine.
....'cept that the heat seems to now be off, altogether, upstairs. i'm a little worried, but at the same time the mild breeze is actually sort of refreshing. in addition to that meaning i'm going to have to boost my heat a bit, which is a mild adjustment if an adjustment ever was mild, i'm not entirely sure the plan was thought out; part of the reason it's hottest upstairs is that it's being heated by the two levels below it!
so, the end result is we both end up turning the heat up higher and neither is as warm as we were before. i can live through that, but i'm wondering just how bad an idea it is to let the wood floors freeze...
anyways, i think it'll be fine. my guess is that the heat comes back on up there in a day or two when the temperature falls. if not, i'll have to explain the situation, and i'm sure it'll get turned back on. really, i'm just becoming more and more intrigued by my landlord's family....
nobody has said anything to me about noise, and i don't think that was the cause for the move. rather, i think the recent cold snap produced an evacuation.
personally, i saw it coming and prepared by cranking the heat a few days in advance. when the wind was blowing around out there near -50, the thermostat in my room was a hair under 24 degrees celsius; it was admittedly not able to hold itself there, and the temperature on the thermostat doesn't actually reflect the temperature in the room (which was more like 18 or 19) but the apartment was comfortable.
i realize, though, that it could have been very uncomfortable down here if i just let it sit at 20, oblivious to what was happening outside. i suspect that's why the guy upstairs retreated to safer ground.
which would be fine.
....'cept that the heat seems to now be off, altogether, upstairs. i'm a little worried, but at the same time the mild breeze is actually sort of refreshing. in addition to that meaning i'm going to have to boost my heat a bit, which is a mild adjustment if an adjustment ever was mild, i'm not entirely sure the plan was thought out; part of the reason it's hottest upstairs is that it's being heated by the two levels below it!
so, the end result is we both end up turning the heat up higher and neither is as warm as we were before. i can live through that, but i'm wondering just how bad an idea it is to let the wood floors freeze...
anyways, i think it'll be fine. my guess is that the heat comes back on up there in a day or two when the temperature falls. if not, i'll have to explain the situation, and i'm sure it'll get turned back on. really, i'm just becoming more and more intrigued by my landlord's family....
Thursday, January 16, 2014
people wonder why i don't trust my mother...
mom
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!
Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.
But, they do.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...
mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??
Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.
it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...
so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.
mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...
Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.
mom
you did!
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.
mom
your mother knows
Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.
mom
listen to your mother!
Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….
mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.
mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.
Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....
mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.
mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!
Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.
mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.
Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.
mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.
mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.
mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.
In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...
It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....
Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.
anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.
i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.
mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?
Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html
J..You need to get yourself another doctor down there and when the time comes your disability can certainly be extended or most likely be ongoing till you are 65...But you need to get yourself a doctor. Love You.... If you need to talk, I am here too!
Well...First find a gp and they will refer you... You need to talk like in your last post...That you feel very suicidal and stuff... I know, I know....A mental disability is much easier to get than a physical one. Play the game, if you have to... I mean, it is there for people...So, take advantage of it.... You can also pick up another $250.00 a month for a food allowance. You are sooooo slim, you can say that have been anorexic since you were a teen. It is ridiculous that they give the whole amount of the money for that syndrome.
But, they do.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's a two year short term odsp that runs out in september, when i'll have to go to an interview. i'm very much hoping it will get extended, but i'm not confident of it. "dysthemia" is total fucking bullshit, and they're going to know that. so it's going to depend on the attitude of the people, etc. but i was just thinking that i could probably get a diagnosis for something more serious. i bet i could convince a doctor to put me on the autism spectrum, then explain why that means i can't work. the life expectancy on my dad's side is well under 60. the oldest aunt looks like she's next. i bet the surviving uncle outlives them all...but he's not doing well either.... but, yeah. i should prioritize getting to a doctor. i remember wanting to do this a while ago and then realizing ohip doesn't cover anything psychological....but odsp might...
mom
Also say that you are lactose intolerant, have high cholersterol(sp?)(which, I believe you do).... and there are a few other things that will get you the whole thing...Look it up on the internet. I had to tell my doctor what to fill out and he did without a problem...I was thin like you...Oh and you have the irritable bowel syndrome thingy too...I think??
Jessica Amber Murray
i've never been tested for any of these things. i haven't been going to regular doctor checkups since i was in junior high school. i just hated waiting around for the doctor to finish, and i had a fear of needles i've never gotten over. i don't think i've ever told anybody that i skipped out on all of the booster shots back in jr high school, including that one year where there was a mandatory meningitis vaccination. the doctor almost killed me a few years ago for not having a tetanus shot on record. i skipped so many dr appointments in high school that the dr actually dropped me as a patient.
it's been infrequent clinic visits since...i figure doctors should be an on-demand service rather than something that's done on a regular schedule...
so, yeah. there could be any number of things wrong with me, but i have no idea. i would expect that my cholesterol is very low, actually. that’s not genetics, it’s lifestyle. my blood pressure has always been more or less "perfect". i’m not lactose intolerant. i don’t have a diagnosis for ibs, and don’t think i have it. i’m pretty physically healthy, really.
mom
I remember your cholesterol was high at one point....prolly genetic, cause mine is high and so is Nanny's...The anorexia, they can never know for sure...I just said that I suffered from it since I was a teen...Irritable bowel syndrome has no test...they just go by symptoms...
Jessica Amber Murray
no – i’m certain i’ve never had high cholesterol. you’re thinking of somebody else.
mom
you did!
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i’ve spent most of my life biking twenty miles a week. i have no memory of being checked, but i almost certainly have exceedingly low cholesterol.
mom
your mother knows
Jessica Amber Murray
she clearly does not.
mom
listen to your mother!
Jessica Amber Murray.
ugh. whatever….
mom
Lactose intolerance....I said I have it...Said I have cramps and diarrhea every time I drink milk or eat cheese...LOL...Yeah right! I live on the damn stuff!...Oh well...They don't test one for it.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that stuff is whatever. if you gave me an extra $200/month, i'd probably just smoke a lot more pot. there's some bookshelves and stuff i'd like to get, but i don't really need it, long term. well, unless the rent goes up, i guess. but right now i'm more concerned about making sure i don't get kicked off it altogether. I think honesty is a better idea.
mom
Remember, my stinky little Charlie Brown's breath! Well...He had 8 rotten teeth pulled the other day, and they cleaned the rest...He smells wonderful now! Well, the extra money comes in handy for sure! You have to get an application form for special diet allowance and get your doc to fill it out. I truly believe that if you get a doc there asap..Your disability will be extended for sure.
Alot of times they start off with the 2year thing and then extend it for ongoing years and then you get a letter saying you are on it till you are 65.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, but i've noticed a lot of people seem to give me this "wtf?" look when i walk in there, after they've seen my profile. young, white genetic male with no physical issues and a b. mathematics. how many retarded people have math degrees? oh. she's "depressed", poor baby. maybe cutting her off benefits will get her strength back up... see, that's what i'm worried about: some fucking thatcherite that thinks that Work Makes Us Strong and throwing me to the wolves will Toughen Me Up. these sadistic freaks actually exist. they've become more and more powerful over the last 20 years. it's the dominant mindset of bureaucrats since the mid 90s and may still have another decade or two of getting worse before a generational renewal reverses it....
mom
They look at what the doctor says in his report. Find your own doctor...They have to go by what the doctor says.... And talk alot about how depressed you feel and stuff....They cannot take any chances with a depressed person.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it does come down mostly to the doctor.
mom
Yes, it does for sure. If you say that you are feeling OK most of the time...Then he/she puts that down...If you say that you are so depressed that it is hard on many days to even get out of bed and you have no energy and you starve yourself cause you feel fat all the time and you feel you are not in control of your life and you are not sure what you may do to yourself sometimes and you idolize suicide....They will NOT take any chances!
Yes...They will throw a script at you...Fill it...But just don't take it and get it refilled when necessary....throw them away.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm really going to aim more for the asd or schizophrenic diagnosis. i think they're both accurate. i mean, there's obvious reasons why i've wanted to avoid those diagnoses. employment opportunities are going to dry up for autistic people. but that logic is no longer really applicable. i do not think i suffer from anything remotely close to clinical depression. i do think i have schizophrenia. and i do think i'm asd, in the broadest sense.
mom
Just come across as rather neurotic and that you are not sure about life anymore....That you cry alot and you feel deep down that you are unworthy and stuff....Don't diagnose yourself to them...Let them do it.
Jessica Amber Murray
but, i don’t cry to myself or feel I’m worthless. i’m not going to lie to them. what i *actually* tell people when they ask is that i'm on disability because i'm just flat out mad. and in all honesty that's the closest thing to the truth.
mom
Talk alot about being paranoid and stuff...
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it's a sort of a controlled schizophrenia.
mom
Yeah, well perhaps...But true schizophrenics are unaware of their condition...They believe these things are true and cannot tell the difference....So, don't tell them that! Let them diagnose you.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don’t think the part about schizophrenics being unaware of their delusions is actually true.
mom
I'm not sure either...But, I have seen a few over my lifetime and they appear to believe their delusions to be true.
In different therapy groups and places where I have spent some time many years ago when I was young...
It was very strange listening to them talk sometimes....
Jessica Amber Murray
in the most severe states, sure. and that's of course the fear that all schizophrenics live with. but i think the general condition is one that has more to do with balancing deductive and empirical reasoning. what happens is that deductive processes overpower empirical ones, leading people into these fantasies that make perfect sense to them on a rational level, and yet have nothing to do with reality as it's measured sensually. if you study my behaviour, that type of difficulty with deductive reasoning overpowering empirical reasoning goes right back to jhostbusters. it explains a lot of my behavioural problems, which in a lot of cases had to do with me being unable to construct the logic underlying the rules (and, rather, having my own sense of deductive reasoning that concluded my actions were justified). there's a big overlap with schizophrenia and mathematics. i don't think that's an accident: both are the result of exaggerating logic and deduction over evidence and experience.
anyways, if there's something to that, it follows that it's controllable by paying extra attention to empirical evidence. and that seems to be the focus that the schizophrenics i've read about (i've never met any) use to control it without meds. which is the same method i use.
i really, really don’t want to take the drugs.
mom
You are so knowledgeable on the subject for sure! I can't even understand the half of it....I need a dictionary to decipher much of what you are saying....What does empirical mean?
Jessica Amber Murray
this is sort of what i'm talking about, except i'm inserting deductive for "common sense" (based on a distinction in types of european philosophy): http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/005699.html
Jeff
Your a brilliant person, just need to focus that on something that allows you to make money in the process. Surprised you never ended up in the science field or book writing for example. As far as life goes take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Music is your passion but your mind was meant for far more! That's why I say science or writing books on sociology. Hang in there k
You might argue sociology due to certain personal traits like not liking other people but it doesn't mean you don't understand human behavior or deep thought into peoples behavior or actions cause from some posts you write I think you do at least write good thoughts on alot of issues so...what I'm saying is write books or papers for universities and see where it takes you,might axially get published!!
Jessica Amber Murray
*sigh*. i appreciate the kind words, but i'm really just venting. i don't think we ever communicated much over the internet back in the day, but these kinds of written rants are pretty normal for me. i've actually had a lot of difficulty separating the perception of the internet i grew up with (specifically, something that does not exist in real life) with the actuality of the internet in my adult life (something that does). ten or fifteen years ago, i would have posted that rant on a message board somewhere...now it's facebook...the difference is more in who sees it. that is to say that, while i don't think there's much of a path there, i do think i'm ok. i'm mostly just working out thoughts...
Jeff
Just thought id let you know that I hope you figure it out and stay positive Jess.
Your a brilliant person, just need to focus that on something that allows you to make money in the process. Surprised you never ended up in the science field or book writing for example. As far as life goes take it one day at a time and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Music is your passion but your mind was meant for far more! That's why I say science or writing books on sociology. Hang in there k
You might argue sociology due to certain personal traits like not liking other people but it doesn't mean you don't understand human behavior or deep thought into peoples behavior or actions cause from some posts you write I think you do at least write good thoughts on alot of issues so...what I'm saying is write books or papers for universities and see where it takes you,might axially get published!!
Jessica Amber Murray
*sigh*. i appreciate the kind words, but i'm really just venting. i don't think we ever communicated much over the internet back in the day, but these kinds of written rants are pretty normal for me. i've actually had a lot of difficulty separating the perception of the internet i grew up with (specifically, something that does not exist in real life) with the actuality of the internet in my adult life (something that does). ten or fifteen years ago, i would have posted that rant on a message board somewhere...now it's facebook...the difference is more in who sees it. that is to say that, while i don't think there's much of a path there, i do think i'm ok. i'm mostly just working out thoughts...
Jeff
Just thought id let you know that I hope you figure it out and stay positive Jess.
re: jessica murray's Music & HypedSound
From: Jonathan Jaeger <hypedsoundteam@gmail.com>
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Hi Jessica, I appreciate your thorough response, and I recognize that perhaps we aren't providing the niche or style of website you'd like. That's perfectly respectable. I did listen to several of your tracks. I find that kind of experimental music interesting. Typically I listen to a lot of ambient, electronic, and jazz music, so this isn't necessarily in my wheelhouse, but I appreciate the different textures and sound effects. I came across your Bandcamp on the Curious George track.
My meaning behind the website is not to follow a "trend" per se, it's too offer convenience for those with so many different places they have different media of different formats. While the artist might like to have many different platforms, if they want to give someone a taste of all their creative works, it's hard to do that with just a SoundCloud, just a Bandcamp, or just a YouTube or Instagram. Sometimes artists send me 10 different links to check out, and I imagine they are making it harder for potential listeners to check them out (sometimes too many different links/platforms leads to indecision or apathy).
I'm hoping to tailor the experience in such a way that the content speaks for itself, rather than a cluttered site with ads or too many features. The key is to show someone's creativity without losing focus. While I'm trying to create value in that way, I still understand if it's not your type of thing, and I appreciate what you're doing with your music.
Cheers,
Jonathan
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Hi Jessica, I appreciate your thorough response, and I recognize that perhaps we aren't providing the niche or style of website you'd like. That's perfectly respectable. I did listen to several of your tracks. I find that kind of experimental music interesting. Typically I listen to a lot of ambient, electronic, and jazz music, so this isn't necessarily in my wheelhouse, but I appreciate the different textures and sound effects. I came across your Bandcamp on the Curious George track.
My meaning behind the website is not to follow a "trend" per se, it's too offer convenience for those with so many different places they have different media of different formats. While the artist might like to have many different platforms, if they want to give someone a taste of all their creative works, it's hard to do that with just a SoundCloud, just a Bandcamp, or just a YouTube or Instagram. Sometimes artists send me 10 different links to check out, and I imagine they are making it harder for potential listeners to check them out (sometimes too many different links/platforms leads to indecision or apathy).
I'm hoping to tailor the experience in such a way that the content speaks for itself, rather than a cluttered site with ads or too many features. The key is to show someone's creativity without losing focus. While I'm trying to create value in that way, I still understand if it's not your type of thing, and I appreciate what you're doing with your music.
Cheers,
Jonathan
i've been informed by multiple people that that last post was hard to read and have changed the privacy settings on it. i apologize if it upset you. i'm acknowledging it was upsetting.
i should probably start a livejournal site or something. is that site still up...?
except that this *is* that.
see, if i release the evil energy through my fingers then it escapes and floats off into the galaxy, leaving me free of it's consequences. i felt better not after posting it but while i was typing it. and that's the real point. you'll note that i'm sort of unflappable, aren't i? except i'm not, i just have my yoga typing rituals. public/private distinction.
...'cept, due to the adoption of various internet conventions, my latrine is now at the front of my house and y'all are on the lawn. what was once a way to expunge negative thought through a well hidden back out is now airing soiled laundry. and i don't quite want to yell at anybody to get off the lawn just yet.
but, this is a journal, and i'm going to exaggerate a bit sometimes. i'm agreeing that that was a tad heavy, heavy enough that it only needed to be posted just for me, and mostly because it is, in fact, hard to read, but a journal is the nature of what this is, and it's going to get a little prickly sometimes.
i should probably start a livejournal site or something. is that site still up...?
except that this *is* that.
see, if i release the evil energy through my fingers then it escapes and floats off into the galaxy, leaving me free of it's consequences. i felt better not after posting it but while i was typing it. and that's the real point. you'll note that i'm sort of unflappable, aren't i? except i'm not, i just have my yoga typing rituals. public/private distinction.
...'cept, due to the adoption of various internet conventions, my latrine is now at the front of my house and y'all are on the lawn. what was once a way to expunge negative thought through a well hidden back out is now airing soiled laundry. and i don't quite want to yell at anybody to get off the lawn just yet.
but, this is a journal, and i'm going to exaggerate a bit sometimes. i'm agreeing that that was a tad heavy, heavy enough that it only needed to be posted just for me, and mostly because it is, in fact, hard to read, but a journal is the nature of what this is, and it's going to get a little prickly sometimes.
re: jessica murray's Music & HypedSound
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: Jonathan Jaeger <hypedsoundteam@gmail.com>
hi.
i'm sure some people will find this appealing. personally, though, i like the idea of presenting my music differently across platforms. i don't currently have any presentation needs that i feel are unmet by a facebook/youtube/bandcamp combination. my concerns are more to do with finding a way to reach the right audience.
i realize you probably didn't actually listen to anything. if you did, you'd realize that, as an artist, my primary need would be the creation of an internet space that is truly focused upon creative music, rather than fashions or trends or genres or the biases of the site mods. i need something that focuses on substance, not hype. it's probably not a coincidence that i feel i have the same problem as a consumer. the internet was supposed to make it easier to get through the hype; instead, we now have 300 websites acting the way mtv & radio used to, drowning everything out. that would be a shift to a comparable market if it weren't for the fact that the filters on the bottom have been ignored and have consequently lapsed into disuse. trying to find interesting experimental music on the internet is very difficult due to the oversaturation of the market on centralized sites like bandcamp.
the nature of my music makes it hard for me to market it as anything other than "different", which makes it hard to get picked up. sites that appeal to specific genres are going to universally reject it because it doesn't fit neatly into any genre (and will not appeal to the listener base). the nature of review sites is that they're constantly competing with each other for the ability to find the most pure representations of specific abstractions. i just don't exist in that kind of a market.
that is to say that i don't think another general music site is something that will be beneficial to struggling artists, or to consumers that listen to struggling artists. it just promises to further separate and saturate the market into "officially chosen trend" and "everything else". one giant database is not going to help me or people like me - rather, it's small and disconnected databases that appeal to specific audiences that are going to help unique artists connect with their difficult to define listening bases.
that's a role that needs to be taken up by a vibrant blog community, which can only happen outside of any corporate oversight. in economic terms, it's letting the market function rather than trying to control it through centralizing lists, trends and things of the like.
what something like this might be useful for is a listener of mainstream music that wants to connect with artists that they've heard elsewhere. those artists would have a reason to follow their audience to where they congregate. for the rest of us, it might even serve to reduce clutter.
i don't, however, think it's something that interests me at this time. what i need is something closer to a social media version of brainwashed.com.
j
To: Jonathan Jaeger <hypedsoundteam@gmail.com>
hi.
i'm sure some people will find this appealing. personally, though, i like the idea of presenting my music differently across platforms. i don't currently have any presentation needs that i feel are unmet by a facebook/youtube/bandcamp combination. my concerns are more to do with finding a way to reach the right audience.
i realize you probably didn't actually listen to anything. if you did, you'd realize that, as an artist, my primary need would be the creation of an internet space that is truly focused upon creative music, rather than fashions or trends or genres or the biases of the site mods. i need something that focuses on substance, not hype. it's probably not a coincidence that i feel i have the same problem as a consumer. the internet was supposed to make it easier to get through the hype; instead, we now have 300 websites acting the way mtv & radio used to, drowning everything out. that would be a shift to a comparable market if it weren't for the fact that the filters on the bottom have been ignored and have consequently lapsed into disuse. trying to find interesting experimental music on the internet is very difficult due to the oversaturation of the market on centralized sites like bandcamp.
the nature of my music makes it hard for me to market it as anything other than "different", which makes it hard to get picked up. sites that appeal to specific genres are going to universally reject it because it doesn't fit neatly into any genre (and will not appeal to the listener base). the nature of review sites is that they're constantly competing with each other for the ability to find the most pure representations of specific abstractions. i just don't exist in that kind of a market.
that is to say that i don't think another general music site is something that will be beneficial to struggling artists, or to consumers that listen to struggling artists. it just promises to further separate and saturate the market into "officially chosen trend" and "everything else". one giant database is not going to help me or people like me - rather, it's small and disconnected databases that appeal to specific audiences that are going to help unique artists connect with their difficult to define listening bases.
that's a role that needs to be taken up by a vibrant blog community, which can only happen outside of any corporate oversight. in economic terms, it's letting the market function rather than trying to control it through centralizing lists, trends and things of the like.
what something like this might be useful for is a listener of mainstream music that wants to connect with artists that they've heard elsewhere. those artists would have a reason to follow their audience to where they congregate. for the rest of us, it might even serve to reduce clutter.
i don't, however, think it's something that interests me at this time. what i need is something closer to a social media version of brainwashed.com.
j
it doesn't seem to matter what i do, that crushing feeling of emptiness is periodically inevitable. it's tied into realizing that the meaning i've temporarily tricked myself into creating is entirely constructed. and, getting out of it for another few days is a process that requires fooling myself once again. sometimes, i look back and actually cry about how trivial my motivations are. but they're the only motivations i have...
i don't need drugs. i'm not malfunctioning. i've come to a series of careful, reasoned conclusions and if you allow me the space to lay my arguments out i could very well convince the cheeriest people alive of these empty feelings that they seem to be oblivious to. to me, that's the head-scratching part of it. i really don't understand how so many people can be so happy - or bother pretending they're so happy - in the face of so much pointlessness. i don't want to understand this, either, as i feel it would necessarily require destroying a substantial number of brain cells.
i should have killed myself a long time ago, but i can't even really work up the nerve of even that. what's the point of suicide? i mean, these fleeting moments of contrived happiness, as well as these constant trials with myself, are surely more valuable than nothing at all? i'm most content when i ignore purpose and just exist. but i just can't come to terms with that in more than isolated stretches. i'm just constantly overwhelmed.
right now i'm mad at myself for it. i'm usually not. but right now i know i have to take advantage of this small period of freedom before it disappears. i can't be depressed or wasting my time thinking about what comes next (as though it matters, right? but these kinds of delusions are fundamental to building up any kind of motivation). i can't be losing myself in plans. the uncertainty, though, is gnawing.
what would i even do with this time period if i were using it to focus on the future like i'm supposed to be doing? i'm privileged enough to be able to re-educate myself largely as i see fit, but i've basically systematically ruled out any possible professional designation as a process of intellectually enslaving myself. the reason intellectual work is supposed to be more rewarding is that it provides for some freedom of thought, but that doesn't work when you can't get beyond any existing system of axioms without an objection that is so strong as to require mutiny. i'd actually have to suppress my views less as a wage slave than as a lawyer or a professor. there's no intellectual freedom there, there's no garden to frolic in - there's just the repetition of lies, the observance of conformity and the problem of cognitive dissonance.
i can't do tradeswork. i lack things like physical strength and motor skills. and i couldn't market a steak to a starving person.
so it's a process of looking forward to the reestablishment of my own enslavement, or getting lucky in extending my existing conditions. and why bother preparing for that? why not just hope you get lucky, and deal with the consequences if you don't?
there's no possible happy ending, it's just different levels of enslavement.
i realize they're going to throw it at me. "we gave you two years on disability to recover from a mental breakdown, and you wasted it in a scorched earth policy at carleton, followed by moving to the worst job market in the country and sitting around listening to music?"
well, yeah. it might be the last opportunity i get.
i don't need drugs. i'm not malfunctioning. i've come to a series of careful, reasoned conclusions and if you allow me the space to lay my arguments out i could very well convince the cheeriest people alive of these empty feelings that they seem to be oblivious to. to me, that's the head-scratching part of it. i really don't understand how so many people can be so happy - or bother pretending they're so happy - in the face of so much pointlessness. i don't want to understand this, either, as i feel it would necessarily require destroying a substantial number of brain cells.
i should have killed myself a long time ago, but i can't even really work up the nerve of even that. what's the point of suicide? i mean, these fleeting moments of contrived happiness, as well as these constant trials with myself, are surely more valuable than nothing at all? i'm most content when i ignore purpose and just exist. but i just can't come to terms with that in more than isolated stretches. i'm just constantly overwhelmed.
right now i'm mad at myself for it. i'm usually not. but right now i know i have to take advantage of this small period of freedom before it disappears. i can't be depressed or wasting my time thinking about what comes next (as though it matters, right? but these kinds of delusions are fundamental to building up any kind of motivation). i can't be losing myself in plans. the uncertainty, though, is gnawing.
what would i even do with this time period if i were using it to focus on the future like i'm supposed to be doing? i'm privileged enough to be able to re-educate myself largely as i see fit, but i've basically systematically ruled out any possible professional designation as a process of intellectually enslaving myself. the reason intellectual work is supposed to be more rewarding is that it provides for some freedom of thought, but that doesn't work when you can't get beyond any existing system of axioms without an objection that is so strong as to require mutiny. i'd actually have to suppress my views less as a wage slave than as a lawyer or a professor. there's no intellectual freedom there, there's no garden to frolic in - there's just the repetition of lies, the observance of conformity and the problem of cognitive dissonance.
i can't do tradeswork. i lack things like physical strength and motor skills. and i couldn't market a steak to a starving person.
so it's a process of looking forward to the reestablishment of my own enslavement, or getting lucky in extending my existing conditions. and why bother preparing for that? why not just hope you get lucky, and deal with the consequences if you don't?
there's no possible happy ending, it's just different levels of enslavement.
i realize they're going to throw it at me. "we gave you two years on disability to recover from a mental breakdown, and you wasted it in a scorched earth policy at carleton, followed by moving to the worst job market in the country and sitting around listening to music?"
well, yeah. it might be the last opportunity i get.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)