so, this is going to be very time consuming. i'm getting similar timing issues with lining up the individual tracks, but it's much more subtle - over the course of this five minute song, it seems to be off by about 20-30% of a second, in total. you can't tell for short parts, but it adds up. there's two ways to deal with that - either by stretching the whole thing (trial and error) or by cutting it up into multiple parts and staggering them manually. that is, presuming that i'm right in thinking it's a problem with the whole file, rather than an issue of random errors in sampling.

the other way around it is to take it in from tape as one file, but the whole point is being able to manipulate the separate tracks.

this is more resolvable than trying to line up identical parts because there's an acceptable level of error. but, it's still going to be a while...

i've largely decided to create two singles, for sure, but i'm not sure how to catalog them yet. i may have the first half of the confused single up by tonight but, considering that i'm going to have to build the entire midi file from almost scratch, this is going to take roughly a week to complete.

when i initially created this, i overprogrammed the drums in a way that conflicted with the incoming synths, partly because i didn't have a synth when i programmed it. once i got the synth, it just created a stew of dissonance. so, i sent the file out through mono, which toned it down a bit. before i sold the ry30 (which i deeply regret), i saved all my tracks from the ry30 (in stereo) direct into the soundcard. so, the original recordings are all in mono, but i have a stereo version that i'd like to mix in.

unfortunately, the two versions are out of sync. i understand why and can try to explain it a little. it has to do with the difference in how analog and digital waves store data, and is reproducible in general. you can try it yourself if you have the right gear. all you'd need to do is take a vinyl or cassette version of something and send it in to your soundcard, then take a digital cd-rip of the same song. obviously, it has to be the same master and everything. then, compare the tracks. you'll notice that they may differ in length by as much as about 0.5 second per minute. another way you can verify this is by looking up old songs on youtube - look for beatles songs or something. you'll notice the time varies by a few seconds, depending on the source of the upload.

i'm experiencing this because i sent the digital signal to tape and back to digital when i created it, and just sent it straight from digital when i saved the drum parts.

now, you're not going to hear a significant difference in this if you do an a/b. it's a microtone of a microtone in shift; indiscernible to human ears. but, it creates a problem when it comes to mixing the source.

i'm going to try and line it up, but this is an almost impossible task that i will no doubt have to concede defeat on. what that means is that the electronic version i wanted to do is going to have to be built from scratch. and what that means is that i'm almost certainly going to be doing a "confused" single, which will compile versions from the 96 demo, the 98 demo and the new (instrumental) construction i'm about to make.

the process requires trying to time-shift (in this case compress) the drum machine part to the exact length on the tape, which can only be done throgh trial and error. the difference over 5 minutes is about two seconds. if i'm off by the slightest fraction of a second, it will become noticeable by the end of the song. and, you get weird phasing issues when you do this kind of thing, too.

on top of that, there's no baseline - and the drum machine part from tape also includes multiple synths. like, if i knew they came from the same file, i could pinpoint it by finding markers. that's not an option here, because they even came in through different soundcards...

given that i know that this is virtually impossible, i'm not going to focus too much time on it.

i'm going to line everything up and mix, whether i use it or not. it's useful.

i've decided that i'm going to finish scores for a few of these and put them on thru, which is what i was thinking of doing with them, but backed away from due to time constraints; but, i removed some things from thru, which opens up space after all. so, that works out well. as before, the rule with thru is that it has to be midi music. i'm thinking two of these will end up there.

for some of them, i'm happy with the inricycled edits in terms of saving them. these tracks don't have overly interesting song structures, and i'm not really gaining much by stripping the vocals out.

others, i'm thinking i may just insert into the relevant records as replacements. some of the vocals work well enough as satire that i don't really want to move way from them. others are just flat out bad, even by teenager standards.

lastly, there may be a separate release for instrumental works, depending on how much i play with the records. i'll have to figure that out when it happens. it may end up on the end of inricycled,depending on track lengths.

so, i'm going to start by looking at "confused", which i'm thinking about making a midi version for.

package sent. now, i wait.

i should be able to get enough of a start on this project tonight to be able to get a feel as to how it's going to work itself out.

Sure There’s a Catch…

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them, he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to, he was sane and had to. 

This is an interesting issue for me to approach, because the reality is somewhat circular. I’ve presented myself to several professionals looking for a longer term diagnosis (which is truly what I was seeking as I embarked on this path; please see the attached document, with my first write-up), and they’ve been unable to determine any symptoms. I’m left with no option but to agree that I am not demonstrating symptoms. However, there’s a catch – I am not demonstrating symptoms because ODSP has left me stable and happy, by allowing me to immerse myself in my art. If I’m not demonstrating symptoms, I should not qualify for ODSP; but if I lose the ODSP, I will again begin to demonstrate symptoms, and need to go back on ODSP.

See, the truth is that I truly am unstable – a glance at my unwritten biography would demonstrate that clearly. I have been without an address several times, and am prone to absurd behaviour when placed under stress. I’ve been fired repeatedly, and unable to find a job for many years. I really should be grounded. Yet, my concern for my safety appears rational to the professional observer. Hence, requests for diagnosis are misunderstood as evidence of stability.

Rather than try and obfuscate, I believe I should be honest: I am not just currently stable and happy. I am actually currently more stable and happier than I’ve ever been in my life. My prerogative to argue for stasis is consequently not merely a desire to prevent the inevitable collapse I will face should I be denied ODSP, but to actively argue for it as the best case scenario for me. It’s almost an appeal for benevolence.

I think that, when discussing an individual’s qualification for disability, there are three perspectives to analyze. The first is whether the applicant is able to work. The second is whether the applicant is able to find work. The third is whether the applicant desires work. I believe that these issues are not disconnected, but are very interrelated and that the causal forces acting between them can be very complex.

One way to see that this is true is to look at the results of my cra application in 2008. I wrote several tests for this application and did very well on the ones that were “competency” related. My GCT2 mark was actually exceedingly high; I earned a mark of 80/90 on this test, in a competition where the minimum pass was 51/90. When I went in to the interview, they told me it was the highest mark they’ve ever seen on that test. This would appear to indicate not just competence but possible excellence. Yet, my grade on the situational judgement test (a workplace behaviour test) was so poor that I was removed from the competition. I failed that test twice more over the next few years. Together, that indicates that I would have likely been capable of performing the task asked of me, and perhaps even of excelling at it, but that I would not have been able to adjust to the workplace environment – and consequently could not be hired. In fact, I actually agree with the combined results, as it fits my experience of frequent firings and infrequent attendance at school, even while my performance was strong and my grades were high. While other employers may be less rigorous in their hiring, they seem to be able to intuitively understand this about me and avoid me as a result of it. It does then follow that my anxiety is a block; when I’ve been forced to try and get around it because I have no other choice but to get around it in order to pay rent and bills it nonetheless continues to flag me as a problem and either make me an unviable candidate or a swiftly terminated employee. I consequently can’t work because I can’t find work because of the condition.

The gender dysphoria is not insignificant in piecing this together, as it is one of the dominant causes of the anxiety. This works on two levels – both on the level of unrealistic expectations and on the level of a self-consciousness that manifests itself as a lack of confidence, which is devastating in context. Even when I was living as a male, it was something that was easily “figured out”, which created some pretty bad attitudes and behind-the-back murmurings. I don’t feel there’s an answer to this. My gender/body combination remains at the bottom of the social hierarchy.

I claim I am happy and stable on ODSP, but did I ever seek labour? I have teenager memories of being excited about saving money up to get certain things. My first major purchase was a cd burner in 1998, back when such things were still novel. I worked two or three jobs at a time over the summers of 2002 and 2003, and while it was hectic I was happy to contribute to my education. I worked for Microsoft over 2006 and legitimately enjoyed it; I was able to take that money to get my own apartment and buy some recording gear. Employment provided me with financial independence and control over my means of production. So, the answer is an unambiguous yes: I have actively sought and enjoyed labour in the past.

However, in time, prejudicial attitudes began to sink in – and it’s a contribution to the anxiety. My interests have converged to things that are outside any kind of concept of wage labour. For many years, I’ve looked at employment very cynically, with the understanding that I’m wasting my time somewhere doing something I don’t care about with people that don’t respect me. Over 2007 and 2008 (the last time I was employed), I called in sick repeatedly – often because I just couldn’t get up to go in due to anxiety and depression. I would also leave work early due to depression, which tended to manifest itself in powerful headaches and short tempers. I have not experienced any of these problems over the last two years; I have been stable and happy. Alas, that catch-22…

Yet, do I not want to work, to contribute? Well, let’s reverse the question around. I think there are two reasons why people might want to work. The first is for the benefit of society - altruism. The second is for personal gain - individualism. But what is personal gain? A stock broker may argue that it is about capital accumulation, whereas an athlete may argue it’s about being the best. As an artist, I find these things actually overlap more than they contradict – the art is made both for me and for everybody else. Expression for the sake of expression is the most valuable form of personal gain, and asking challenging questions is the thing I’m most suited to do in society. If the goal is to maximize personal gain through contributing to society, I don’t think that work is the way to do that; I think that art is the way to do that.

Yet, how did I get there? How did I decide that expression is personal gain? Why not competition, or accumulation, or material wealth? Well, in all of these cases the root cause is the same: its sexual dominance. The use value of a car is hardly worth its price; nowadays I walk most places, but I’ve never had a need for such a thing, between bicycles and city busses.  If anything, it puts the car owner into an impossible loop: they need to go to work to pay for a car that they only use to go to work. It’s running on a treadmill; except, it isn’t, because a car is a status symbol, and that status symbol is a tool to compete with peers for the sexual interests of others. Competition, accumulation and materialism are often blamed for the violence we experience in our society, but they are merely masking the sexual motives underlying their fetishization. As an individual who has undergone voluntary chemical castration, these motives are not valid to me. Rather, my motives for personal gain are largely intellectual – and no labour, at any salary, can appeal to me on this level. Nor can I hide this reality from interviewers – it is a part of the visible anxiety that sets in. So, I cannot work because I can’t find work because I don’t want to work because of the condition.

I believe that humans are malleable creatures and that I could no doubt be conditioned out of this, but to what end? Is it worth the state’s time and energy to put a hopelessly apathetic personality type through therapy so that it can flip burgers for minimum wage? Excuse me for being jaded by the prospect…

So, what happens if I get this renewed? Well, I have a lot of art to work on, and would continue to apply myself to it over thirty hour work days of happy, strenuous and productive labour. Its value is perhaps unclear, but I think I can make a bigger difference to society through my opinions than I ever can through wage labour, and I’m certain I’ll be happier and more stable that way. What happens if this is denied? It is exceedingly unlikely that I will be able to find employment, and if I do I will no doubt be very unhappy. I will likely become very depressed and completely unstable; a suicide attempt is not unlikely, which will generate further documents which will get me back on odsp - until I’m stable again, no doubt.

Rather than forcing me to continue to rebuild these sandcastles on the beach after every tide, I propose that you allow me to rebuild further from shore by granting me the longest disability term that you can. For me, this is really the only workable solution to my problems, and removing the solution will accomplish nothing but bring them all back again.

and, i think the argument of comparing my general competency test score (which is off the charts, just unheard of, nobody gets 90% on these tests) to my inability to pass the workplace behaviour test is compelling. apparently, i'm a genius. but i'm also apparently incapable of behaving in a work environment.

i can write an essay in an hour (see: this thread), but i need to get going on this. i bought a pack of smokes to keep me up all night, it would be stupid for me to waste that. i need to eat first, though. and i need to read over some old posts, first.

i've been toying in my mind the idea of being systematic about it by looking at the following three options: inability to work, inability to find work and unwillingness to work. i kind of want to explore the intersectionalities of these three ideas. but i need to look at the precise essay question a little more closely and make sure i'm actually answering the right question.

again: let's just see what i can come up with, and go from there.

i actually think i should be able to reconstruct most of the first one. the bigger question is whether it's going to be interesting as an instrumental work - and i think it mostly will be. it's the second one that's a little more up in the air, partly because it was constructed largely from the outtakes from the first one. but i'm going to just go through each of the files in the order they were recorded (not the order they're sequenced), finish them in every possible way i can think of and then figure out what i want to do with them.

see, the thing is that each of the first three tracks already have three or four versions, so they're already naturally "singles". and if i end up with ten singles, i have nowhere to put them.

i might explore the idea of putting them in as inri04a, inri04b, etc. that's kind of crappy.

or, i might crack and renumber. i've sold three discs so far, and they're all to the same person. it's not the most profound problem if those discs end up renumbered. i don't like this idea, but it's more important that the discography has it's proper shape.

so, i could end up with anywhere from 10 to 60 more tracks out of this. *shrug*.

i mean, my analysis of this period is that it's actually interesting music. i just don't like the vocals. at the same time, i want the period documented properly. again: i wish i had checked the tapes, because i would have realized the tracks are not at all "lost" and i would have completed it in sequence. i kind of thought i only had two or three tracks to work with (the ones i kept sequences for), not 22 of them.

but i may add things, if i think it's an answer.

i was putting this off because other things were more important. but i'm actually done the phase i really wanted done, and pretty much everything left is some kind of big project or another. it's as good a time as any...

of course, one of the things i'll have to try and figure out is just how much of it actually stands up as instrumental music. a lot of it was written as verse-chorus-verse-bridge-chorus, which can sometimes work, but sometimes doesn't. the vocals are mostly lame. but there's no point in replacing lame with lame. and i'm not rewriting 20 year old vocal parts...

i can't predict how long this will take, or how long it will be until i'm back to where i was. a month, maybe. it depends on how much i do. but whatever i do is the end of it.

there's 22 tracks from the tapes; the rest of the tracks from this period (98-99; inri and inriched) are purely digital. these 22 tracks are digitized across each channel on the four-track. for starters, i'm going to want to strip the vocals out of almost all of them (excluding the ones that are already instruumental). then i'm going to want to see how closely i can reconstruct the records, as they were. if i can do this reasonably well, i'll probably just turn inri and inriched into double records, with the original vocal versions on the flip side. that will take care of the bulk of it. then i'm going to need to chew on whether i want to replace the remasters i did in 2013 with the original mixes.

some of them, i'm going to want to compile together into electronic soundscapes that just include the drum machine, some synths and maybe some added vst synths. i'll no doubt crack on some guitars. this may require some rewriting; i'm letting myself go in reinterpreting them. this is what i was planning on being it's own release, sequenced some time in 2016. but it needs to be on this aleph-release, so i need to do this now. i'd have to sequence this to about march, 1999, which means i may turn inricycled B into a double or just replace it. anything else, i don't know. further remixes could conceivably end up on inrimixed.

see, i was thinking of doing this in singles, though. if it turns out that that makes sense, i may have to drop the two demos into negative territory. in truth, i don't actually consider either of them real releases, so i'm ok with doing that, although i obviously don't really want to...

i could convert some of them into doubles. or i may just leave it specific to the dvd. but it has to be dealt with now.

so, inriℵ0 is not complete, after all.

i won't have this problem with the other alephs.

ugh.

basically, when i looked at rehabilitating the inri material as the process of completing the discography almost two years ago, i fucked up. i just let what existed exist as it was. since then, i've taken a more comprehensive look at what i was doing, creating all these singles. that wasn't the initial plan...

i wanted to put a few of the tracks aside for a "chiptune" disc. that became the thru record, composed of material written from 2001-2003. however, it was initially supposed to also include material written over 1997-1998. after some mental gymnastics, i decided to put it off to a future release.

but, now the chronology is all screwed up. what i should have done was finish these files in 2013, and create singles for them.

i also didn't realize that the tapes were in such good condition. i should have checked that...

now that i'm closing the first period...i want everything contained.

i have a few options - i could append them to inrisampled, inrimixed, inrijected or the second inricycled. but none of it's really sitting as well.

i'm going to have to think this through carefully. but whatever i end up doing has to end up on this aleph-0 disc. otherwise, it's sitting open for who knows how long, when the whole point is to permanently close it.

i have to write my odsp essay first, though. but when i come back to this tomorrow, it's going to be with the aim of looking at each of these old song and figuring out exactly what i want to do with each of them. and that's probably going to mean just doing it, in sequence, and then figuring out how to present the material afterwards.

i've been playing with these aleph discs for a few months and turning various ideas over in my head. a rough concept of period discs for $100 and album box sets for $50 has stabilized, but the contents have fluctuated quite a bit.

as i'm currently finalizing the end of my second compositional period, these aleph discs need to be permanently finalized and put away.

after experimenting with various ideas, i've decided that there is no way out of a comprehensive period one disc. these pieces are too integrated to split at any rational point without splitting ideas across the set. nor does it make sense to put it in a 2xdvd due to the html front-end. rather, it must exist on a dual-layered dvd.

this is literally everything i recorded in the 90s, and the compilation is comprehensive - both mastered & unmastered mixes of everything i can find, unsequenced mixes, outtakes, discarded remixes, used remixes and anything and everything else from the period. it also comes with detailed liner notes - both distributed across the front end and in standalone 130 page documents, in word and pdf formats.

this was a lengthy process because it required cleaning off hundreds of pages of writing on my facebook wall and converting the necessary parts into a front-end. the next couple of these discs will happen much more quickly, as they really mostly just needs to be formatted. it appears, however, that it will take a few more weeks to completely finish this period.

for now, this is inriℵ0 - finally, permanently and irreversibly finished. so, i'm finally permanently moving on...

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-1-2

ugh.

well, i'm going to get another day of compiling in, anyways. i can't really write the essay until i get the papers, and i'm not going to get the papers until tomorrow.

right now, i've been awake far too long and need to sleep. but, the second aleph will be much faster, considering it's only a year's worth of material, is already in easy access mode and is much more self-contained.

part of why i decided to do this is that i won't know what the full period 2 set is going to look like until i get it all in front of me - it could be two or three discs (four is unlikely), and will depend on how 36-52 finish up. i'll have to do some mixing, first, when i get there.

inriℵ0 is completed..

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-1-2

working the document down to just the music posts produces 500 printer sized pages - which is about a 1000 page novel.

i've repeatedly been told i should write a book. journal format is maybe not what they meant, but there it is.

just the aleph-0 disc - which is all backposting - is 130 pages, which is a 250 page novel. the period two disc, which includes more recent documentation, is going to be about a 500-600 page novel.

so, that's why this front-end is taking so long. but, hey, look at it the other way - you get one of the aleph-discs and you get a free e-book, in doc and pdf formats.

by the time i get done period four, i'm going to have a hefty 4,000 page four volume autobiography....

that's fine. that's why i'm doing this.

i'm stopping to eat, but i need to be up overnight and i may actually get it done, after all. i just need to set up the last portion of that document in html format, and then run through it a final time with a fine comb.