the only drug i take habitually or want to take habitually is caffeine.

so, i seem to have finally gotten some sleep, at least. that was more than i usually get at one time, including an unheard of unbroken six hours.

i don't understand what's going on with me, right now....

i wanted to be productive this weekend, but the fucking pig upstairs was smoking all weekend, which just made me unfocused and unproductive. i was neither able to work, nor to sleep - i just found myself staring at the wall.

the migraine never triggered fully, but it's still there, ready to kick back in.

and, i still don't know if i actually got the virus or i'm just suffering through the second-hand smoke.

what next, then? i wanted to get done most of the rebuild over the weekend, and then do some court stuff early this week. i only got through six days of january, 2014.

i'm going to push through for another day or two, but i may have to stop mid-week.

i moved here to avoid this. it's very frustrating and very depressing :(.

i'm in the category of people that would find constant inebriation to be a cause of depression, rather than a solution to it, and i don't have any ambiguity or confusion around the point - i am fully cognizant of the fact that i don't like it, and don't want to be around it on a habitual basis. i don't need to experiment. i know...

this is kind of brutal.

i'm neither asleep nor awake.

i can't figure out if i'm sick or reacting badly to air pollution.

and i want to get this done, but keep sputtering out; i keep getting overwhelmingly tired, but merely for minutes, until i'm back at it, without actually sleeping. ugh.

let's try this again.

so, that was more sleeping....

i don't feel sick. but, i'm still extremely dehydrated.

i think it's lingering effects of the migraine, and i think the root cause is the dry air.

at least the smoke seems to be gone for the night. hopefully.

still no shower. but, i'm going to try to get some work done and go from there.

i can smell & taste.

i'm not, otherwise, sore.

no gastric issues.

really, i'm just dehydrated....

i just slept some more....

do i think i finally picked this thing up?

well, i get tired when i have migraines, so it's not clear which is the culprit. some other signs...

- i don't have a thermometer i can use for a fever, but i am feeling a little warm. i've checked the thermometer i bought last year, though, and guess what? it's actually unusually warm in here.

- i started coughing last night and it's lingering, but i was reacting to second hand smoke (since passed, apparently) and it feels like a smokers' cough.

- the headache is getting better, but it is also triggered by dry air and smoke.

there's a very weird cold snap going through here right now that should lift in a day or two.

in the meantime, i didn't get that shower yet and am looking forward to it.

i dunno. i know i feel dehydrated...

i stopped to eat some fruit, and i had to pause halfway through the broader meal, but i'm feeling a lot better.

the air has cleared out in here, thankfully.

so, i'm going to get some spaghetti in me, take a shower and hopefully get back to it before sunset...

i have never been diagnosed with clinical depression, and i've never claimed i suffer from it, ever.

i do not self-medicate.

i'm not even depressed.

i'm just frustrated that i can't focus.

i don't write folk music or hip-hop or techno. i make very technical, complicated progressive rock.

that means that i need to be able to think clearly - to work out time signatures, to do math on the fly.

being stoned just doesn't work for me.

i'm sorry - i'm not that person, i never was and i never will be. i don't want to be.

i do not smoke drugs or drink alcohol when i'm creative. ever.

it makes me stupid and unproductive.

what i want right now, and will want for the near future, is total sobriety so i can work on my art.

i can't work when i'm stoned.

ok?

the legal pot in this province is terrible. it's not worth buying.

i have no intention on being inebriated for months, and i'm going to get fucking livid if i'm forced to get stoned against my will.

it's absolutely revolting and disgusting in every conceivable way.

i should not be forced to deal with this.

why do i have to say this every fucking time?

why don't you just get this worthless, piece of shit out of here?

again -

can you get this disgusting pig upstairs out of here, please? there's a respiratory virus going around, i don't want to be breathing in second-hand smoke.

it tends to be ok in here until i go for groceries, at which point the fucking idiots seem to think that observing me bum a cigarette at the grocery store means i must not care if they smoke in the house, which is wrong in every way.

as has been the case now for nearly five years, i do not smoke habitually. the fact that i might bum a smoke when i'm out does not mean it's ok to smoke in the house. and, while this is not hypocrisy, it wouldn't matter if it is - what matters is that i've signed a non-smoking lease, and i expect it to be upheld.

so, if you're going to put a fucking pig upstairs to do what, i don't know, can you get one that doesn't smoke, please?

thank you.

yeah, here comes the migraine....

i'm going to have to go in the other room and sit over the sink and let the humidity come back up.

i may have avoided the migraine by sleeping it off.

it doesn't usually work like that, though.

so, i feel like i'm on borrowed time this morning. but, let's try this anyways...

it's the dry air and the smoke....and, here it comes again....

ugh.

the pollution in here is triggering another migraine.

fuck.