Monday, September 12, 2016
i just want to be clear that my primary intoxicant the other night was alcohol. marijuana does not produce blackouts and could not have done that to me no matter how much i smoked.
i had two rockstar vodkas, 6 shots of jager and 3 bottles of beer. i also had a few puffs. no more than that.
but, it wasn't even the booze that knocked me out. i can drink that on an average night. i've done that countless times and avoided the blackout. what knocked me out was that i didn't really sleep the night before.
i go over this in the vlog, but the important thing is not to avoid alcohol but to make sure that if you are going to get drunk then you don't drink heavily on an empty stomach and don't drink heavily on little sleep.
it will build up as the vlogs from the last week publish, but when i say i had almost no sleep it's no exaggeration. well, you can see it from the last few weeks. i simply haven't been sleeping well for the last few weeks. and, in fact i've only actually slept a few hours since i got home.
again: drinking is fun. sometimes. but, drinking on no sleep is dangerous.
i had two rockstar vodkas, 6 shots of jager and 3 bottles of beer. i also had a few puffs. no more than that.
but, it wasn't even the booze that knocked me out. i can drink that on an average night. i've done that countless times and avoided the blackout. what knocked me out was that i didn't really sleep the night before.
i go over this in the vlog, but the important thing is not to avoid alcohol but to make sure that if you are going to get drunk then you don't drink heavily on an empty stomach and don't drink heavily on little sleep.
it will build up as the vlogs from the last week publish, but when i say i had almost no sleep it's no exaggeration. well, you can see it from the last few weeks. i simply haven't been sleeping well for the last few weeks. and, in fact i've only actually slept a few hours since i got home.
again: drinking is fun. sometimes. but, drinking on no sleep is dangerous.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
i don't care about family entertainment. fuck your family...
i mean, you want to slap an 18+ on this? go ahead. i've actually already slapped a 30+ on it...
i think there's enough options for kids, guys. if you want to shelter them, i'm frankly in solidarity with them. you don't have the right.
there's just no pretense. and no reason there should be one.
i mean, you want to slap an 18+ on this? go ahead. i've actually already slapped a 30+ on it...
i think there's enough options for kids, guys. if you want to shelter them, i'm frankly in solidarity with them. you don't have the right.
there's just no pretense. and no reason there should be one.
i stopped by the emergency room this morning. there simply aren't any clinics open within walking distance of where i am. why? because it's sunday.
in 2016. no clinics open. because sunday. fuck. did i wake up in an amish country or what? wtf? weirder: most of the doctors around here are actually muslims. or come from muslim places. if your day of rest is saturday, why are you booking sunday off? isn't that supposed to be one of the benefits of being diverse about superstitions? that you can get them to stagger, so somebody is always open?
as an aside, the statement:
"i couldn't go to work today, because the bible said so."
...is just about the last thing i want to hear from a doctor.
i know. what is this the fucking spanish inquisition? well, that's my point! i hear that from a doctor and the next thing i want is a waiver indicating that i do not consent to bloodletting.
fuck...
so, i went to the emergency room instead. and, i feel i'm bloody well entitled to do it, too. i at least made sure to go at what is probably the deadest time of the day: 7:00 am on sunday morning. when the drunks are cleared out and everybody else is still asleep.
i bet you think i had a terrible wait time, right? that i was there for hours and hours and didn't even get to see the...
no. actually, i basically walked right in. i was in the hospital for less than an hour.
diagnosis: it's a bruise, not a clot. that's relieving.
see, i need you to think about this. i take the amount of estrogen in a single day that women on steady birth control will take in 2 months. 6 mg is 60x the dosage in your average birth control pill. and, they say merely taking birth control is a clot risk.
so, this is something i need to be keenly aware of at all times. and, it is the actual reason i quit smoking. note that i was smoking at the bar. hence, my concern was very well placed.
but, no. it's just a series of bruises. some of them make more sense than others.
i'm going to wait until i get the mri results before i get a test, because i could end up testing for lyme disease at the same time.
in 2016. no clinics open. because sunday. fuck. did i wake up in an amish country or what? wtf? weirder: most of the doctors around here are actually muslims. or come from muslim places. if your day of rest is saturday, why are you booking sunday off? isn't that supposed to be one of the benefits of being diverse about superstitions? that you can get them to stagger, so somebody is always open?
as an aside, the statement:
"i couldn't go to work today, because the bible said so."
...is just about the last thing i want to hear from a doctor.
i know. what is this the fucking spanish inquisition? well, that's my point! i hear that from a doctor and the next thing i want is a waiver indicating that i do not consent to bloodletting.
fuck...
so, i went to the emergency room instead. and, i feel i'm bloody well entitled to do it, too. i at least made sure to go at what is probably the deadest time of the day: 7:00 am on sunday morning. when the drunks are cleared out and everybody else is still asleep.
i bet you think i had a terrible wait time, right? that i was there for hours and hours and didn't even get to see the...
no. actually, i basically walked right in. i was in the hospital for less than an hour.
diagnosis: it's a bruise, not a clot. that's relieving.
see, i need you to think about this. i take the amount of estrogen in a single day that women on steady birth control will take in 2 months. 6 mg is 60x the dosage in your average birth control pill. and, they say merely taking birth control is a clot risk.
so, this is something i need to be keenly aware of at all times. and, it is the actual reason i quit smoking. note that i was smoking at the bar. hence, my concern was very well placed.
but, no. it's just a series of bruises. some of them make more sense than others.
i'm going to wait until i get the mri results before i get a test, because i could end up testing for lyme disease at the same time.
am i rationalizing?
the bruise on my ass is a scary size, now. if that was from fucking, it wasn't consensual. i'm going to the clinic in the morning to get a blood test, and check for clots.
i've never really contemplated whether rape kits can be used for possible anal penetration on a genetic male.
i wouldn't necessarily press charges. that's not exactly what i'm getting at. i know what the law says, and i support it as it is - it shouldn't be legal to have sex with a blacked out person. but, i also know how i get when i'm drunk....
the reality is that there's every reason for me to conclude i was probably all over him. i don't mean in the sense that i went across the bar to get him. i mean in the sense that...
...if somebody was in the room, they may very well have thought i was the one raping him.
i know that i'm like that. when i say i got fucked hard, that doesn't necessarily mean i was on the bottom.
i'm a girl. i fuck like a girl.
so, i mean...i can't know. i don't remember. i just don't. but, the doubt is pretty reasonable in my own mind given the evidence. i wouldn't want to jump to that conclusion.
but the bruise is out of control, too. i dunno....like i say, i never really thought about it.
i don't know how i could get the proper evidence to know whether i should pursue it or not. and, to me, erring on the side of caution means upholding the presumption of innocence.
the bruise on my ass is a scary size, now. if that was from fucking, it wasn't consensual. i'm going to the clinic in the morning to get a blood test, and check for clots.
i've never really contemplated whether rape kits can be used for possible anal penetration on a genetic male.
i wouldn't necessarily press charges. that's not exactly what i'm getting at. i know what the law says, and i support it as it is - it shouldn't be legal to have sex with a blacked out person. but, i also know how i get when i'm drunk....
the reality is that there's every reason for me to conclude i was probably all over him. i don't mean in the sense that i went across the bar to get him. i mean in the sense that...
...if somebody was in the room, they may very well have thought i was the one raping him.
i know that i'm like that. when i say i got fucked hard, that doesn't necessarily mean i was on the bottom.
i'm a girl. i fuck like a girl.
so, i mean...i can't know. i don't remember. i just don't. but, the doubt is pretty reasonable in my own mind given the evidence. i wouldn't want to jump to that conclusion.
but the bruise is out of control, too. i dunno....like i say, i never really thought about it.
i don't know how i could get the proper evidence to know whether i should pursue it or not. and, to me, erring on the side of caution means upholding the presumption of innocence.
if my 'rave kids like hanging out in green spaces' quip doesn't make
sense to you, let me remind you that i'm from the 90s. 90s rave culture does
still exist, you just need to look past the candy girls and bottle
services and try and find smaller venues with more real people in them.
cover last night was $10.
and, no, it's not the 90s. nobody had giant pants on. but, you get the point.
i should also clarify that i'm too young for 90s rave culture. my prime dancing years were in the intellectual dearth of the late 90s early 00s, and i lived in a town that simply didn't have the kind of scene i would actually be able to associate with from a distance.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/rave-kids-in-the-90s-vs-rave-kids-today
and, no, it's not the 90s. nobody had giant pants on. but, you get the point.
i should also clarify that i'm too young for 90s rave culture. my prime dancing years were in the intellectual dearth of the late 90s early 00s, and i lived in a town that simply didn't have the kind of scene i would actually be able to associate with from a distance.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/rave-kids-in-the-90s-vs-rave-kids-today
Saturday, September 10, 2016
my pants and shoes from last night are both demoed, like they've been over used heavily by some skate kids. for the shoes, it's the kind of thing that shoe goo fixes, although the pants are eaten right away at the cuffs. the pants were previously a little ripped, but it was nothing like that. i must have been running through a field or something. they look like they were for real cut up...
i'm not a fan of ripped jeans as a fashion statement. it's bourgeois.
i must have been with at least one other person, otherwise i would have vlogged. i refuse to vlog when i'm near people. but, as soon as i get walking..
see, if i had left the bar alone, i would have recorded it. even if i was too drunk to remember it, i would have recorded it. eventually. there's no exception to this, basically. it's routine. therefore, i left the bar with somebody.
i regained consciousness around 5:30ish. i have every reason to think i was probably at the bar until close to 4:00 - and i wouldn't have vlogged this, i would have just danced. i got my last shots in around 1:30, on closer inspection. the rain didn't get heavy until nearly 5:00, and i could not have gotten that wet otherwise, so i couldn't have been in the car long, either.
so, the idea that he picked me up makes sense: i was clearly out in the rain right before i woke back up. that means i was near gratiot & chene, no doubt wanting to walk home, some time a little after 5:00 am.
i probably got in the car to escape the rain. not smart, but i was blacked out, and it is at least rational. i can't imagine getting picked up on the street, otherwise - unless i thought i could hitchhike.
yes, i think he thought i was streetwalking.
the part of the night that needs to be reconstructed, then, is going to be from about 3:45-5:15. i left the bar with somebody. i must have taken a car from michigan to gratiot as i couldn't have walked that distance that quickly. then, what?
it seems that two things happened in some unknown order or connection.
1) i seem to have ended up in a park or a field or something. this is actually not particularly bizarre. we used to do campfires in wooded urban spaces during occupy. i've randomly followed hippie kids into the woods to do drugs. i've been to pagan dance parties. sometimes, people just have particularly overgrown backyards. somebody probably offered to smoke me, and i ended up with a group of people in an overgrown space. raver kids are just like that. it's just the only way that the shoes get like that - they were sitting in wet grass for at least an hour.
2) it remains obvious that i had sex with somebody, at some point.
i'm not a fan of ripped jeans as a fashion statement. it's bourgeois.
i must have been with at least one other person, otherwise i would have vlogged. i refuse to vlog when i'm near people. but, as soon as i get walking..
see, if i had left the bar alone, i would have recorded it. even if i was too drunk to remember it, i would have recorded it. eventually. there's no exception to this, basically. it's routine. therefore, i left the bar with somebody.
i regained consciousness around 5:30ish. i have every reason to think i was probably at the bar until close to 4:00 - and i wouldn't have vlogged this, i would have just danced. i got my last shots in around 1:30, on closer inspection. the rain didn't get heavy until nearly 5:00, and i could not have gotten that wet otherwise, so i couldn't have been in the car long, either.
so, the idea that he picked me up makes sense: i was clearly out in the rain right before i woke back up. that means i was near gratiot & chene, no doubt wanting to walk home, some time a little after 5:00 am.
i probably got in the car to escape the rain. not smart, but i was blacked out, and it is at least rational. i can't imagine getting picked up on the street, otherwise - unless i thought i could hitchhike.
yes, i think he thought i was streetwalking.
the part of the night that needs to be reconstructed, then, is going to be from about 3:45-5:15. i left the bar with somebody. i must have taken a car from michigan to gratiot as i couldn't have walked that distance that quickly. then, what?
it seems that two things happened in some unknown order or connection.
1) i seem to have ended up in a park or a field or something. this is actually not particularly bizarre. we used to do campfires in wooded urban spaces during occupy. i've randomly followed hippie kids into the woods to do drugs. i've been to pagan dance parties. sometimes, people just have particularly overgrown backyards. somebody probably offered to smoke me, and i ended up with a group of people in an overgrown space. raver kids are just like that. it's just the only way that the shoes get like that - they were sitting in wet grass for at least an hour.
2) it remains obvious that i had sex with somebody, at some point.
i was just checking to see where the beaches even are around detroit,
and something is coming back to me: the guy in the car said i was "up
near chene park." i don't see any beaches right there. there are some on
belle isle...
it's beach sand. or at least sandbox sand :o.
you know....the light, grainy stuff. you don't get that from a field or something.
i can't confirm the beach. it may have been a park.
it's beach sand. or at least sandbox sand :o.
you know....the light, grainy stuff. you don't get that from a field or something.
i can't confirm the beach. it may have been a park.
when, after trying all day to shit, you finally get it out and your shit
smells like condom lubrication. that's when you know you got fucked
hard last night. i know i looked good, but i didn't realize i looked
that good. he really smashed me. i really don't remember, but i suspect
he will for a while :).
and, that answers that question. i still need to get a blood test. but, that's the actually concerning part about the situation.
maybe i should keep the hair colour?
:P
and, that answers that question. i still need to get a blood test. but, that's the actually concerning part about the situation.
maybe i should keep the hair colour?
:P
so, i'm pretty sure that what happened last night is that i had sex
on a beach, due to the amount of sand i brought home with me and the
enlarged size of my asshole. and i'm pretty sure it was consensual
because my clothes are otherwise not ripped. but i don't have any memory
of this at all. and i don't know why i woke up in a stranger's car
rather than with the person i had sex with (i don't think they were the
same person...)
i mean, i'd kind of like to know who i spent the night with. if they'd like to let me know. maybe see them again, in a state i can remember?
this is a still shot from last night, before i left.
i'm not the type to fuck strangers at all, let alone fuck them and run. the only thing i can seriously think of is that he was leaving immediately in the other direction...
the reason i don't think it was the guy in the car is that he was legitimately surprised by my penis. he could not have just fucked me.
but, i mean....
i'mma stay for breakfast. what you makin'? you know?
the situation is uncharacteristic. all around.
but, there is no question that i was penetrated last night. and rather vigorously, at that.
i mean, i'd kind of like to know who i spent the night with. if they'd like to let me know. maybe see them again, in a state i can remember?
this is a still shot from last night, before i left.
i'm not the type to fuck strangers at all, let alone fuck them and run. the only thing i can seriously think of is that he was leaving immediately in the other direction...
the reason i don't think it was the guy in the car is that he was legitimately surprised by my penis. he could not have just fucked me.
but, i mean....
i'mma stay for breakfast. what you makin'? you know?
the situation is uncharacteristic. all around.
but, there is no question that i was penetrated last night. and rather vigorously, at that.
i'm not joking. this is what i sobered up to.....
"i got a rubber. i can't believe you got a penis. but i still want to.."
"why am i in your car?"
"you was walking up gratiot..."
"i was on michigan last night."
"you was on gratiot."
"can you get me to the tunnel?"
"i still want to."
"listen, i don't remember getting in your car. i would normally never do that. you have to understand this."
"no, i get it. but i can't believe i still want to, even though i know you got a cock."
"how far are we?"
"it's right there...."
"i got a rubber. i can't believe you got a penis. but i still want to.."
"why am i in your car?"
"you was walking up gratiot..."
"i was on michigan last night."
"you was on gratiot."
"can you get me to the tunnel?"
"i still want to."
"listen, i don't remember getting in your car. i would normally never do that. you have to understand this."
"no, i get it. but i can't believe i still want to, even though i know you got a cock."
"how far are we?"
"it's right there...."
waking up with a bruise on your ass is a little unsettling when you
have a black hole of five hours that ends in a stranger's car.
"yo. you have a penis? what the fuck?" <--- you don't want to hear that within minutes after sobering up, either.
i'm walking straight, anyways. it was maybe hard enough to leave a bruise, but not hard enough that i can't walk.
i have no memory of this.
i may have been drugged, actually.
i have no footage. last starlog is my third round of shots, about 1 am.
"yo. you have a penis? what the fuck?" <--- you don't want to hear that within minutes after sobering up, either.
i'm walking straight, anyways. it was maybe hard enough to leave a bruise, but not hard enough that i can't walk.
i have no memory of this.
i may have been drugged, actually.
i have no footage. last starlog is my third round of shots, about 1 am.
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