looking forward to on sexual confusion in adolescence (inri013)

i'm done for the night - i want to get a short rest in before the mri. but, this is the first half of what is about to be a major release, some time in the next few days.

it's the first six tracks of my first official record: first with minimal vocals, then completely instrumental. the record is instrumental. three of these tracks were just released as singles. the other three are connecting, instrumental tracks.

this is really pretty epic. no exaggeration. 36 minutes. and, i refer to it as my first symphony.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/on-sexual-confusion-in-adolescence

publishing i think i feel much better now (inri012)

audio permanently closed for inri012.

==

the roots of this track are a variation on a common theme. this is taken from the write-up for the initial 1996 demo version of the track:

"more silly teenage angst, intersecting with more rejection of religion and quite a bit of misanthropy. i may make an interesting observation or two, but the reality here is that i sound just as brainwashed as the masses of people i was looking down on...and if i'm going to criticize myself, or feel embarrassed, it's on that level of a lack of originality, rather than the actual content."

by 1998, the lyrics had been rewritten to be a little less angsty in an attempt to expand further on the secular humanist basis of the track. yet, i still don't really get over the irony inherent in the track. as much as i want to break free of mindlessness and conformity, i don't have anything particularly original to say. worse, the way i'm saying it is cliched, childish and kind of trite. for these reasons, i've decided to eject the vocal mixes from the official release altogether, although they are available here as a part of the download.

musically speaking, i initially actually wanted this track to be the basis of something more marketable. i remember listening to the first side of the initial demo and lamenting that it was void of anything i could really release as a single and then trying to come up with some kind of "jangle" or "college" rock thing to compensate for it.  in the end, the track would warp into some kind of adult prog, but you can hear the initial buckian template in the guitar work.

as with a number of the other tracks from this period, i don't really want to walk anything back - i just wish that i had articulated myself better. it's not the subject matter that's cringey, it's the exact choice of words. yet, that's a scant excuse, in context. word choice is what writing is all about!

the decision to create a single for the track in 2016 was drawn out by two considerations. the first is that there are legitimately two distinct modern versions of the track, along with a collection of discarded mixes, and i do feel the need to offer them together as a package, as i have done with the other tracks. the other is that this is literally the only song on the first demo that is not offered in this format. i felt that it would be absurd for me to offer every track as a single except for this one.

the lead track on this single combines the album version with the connector that follows it on the record, which explains the chosen release date (the actual song was completed on march 22, 1998). that connector is one of the many pieces of sample art that i had created over this period in cool edit, using a number of basic manipulation tactics and noise generation techniques. i had to emulate this in 2016 in order to rebuild the record. while the result is not identical, it is actually pretty close.

initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015. sequenced on jan 10, 2016. released & finalized on july 24, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

this release is compiled on inriℵ0.
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set

regarding the subject matter of the deleted vocals/lyrics, please see the following vlog (which is also available on inriℵ0):
www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuhdwde1YKI&t=778s

credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, sequencing, vocals, sampling, found sound (printer), cool edit, digital wave editing, tapes, production

released may 22, 1998

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now


1) this is the version that was sequenced for the record, before it was split into two tracks for it. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015. sequenced on jan 10, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now


2) this is the version that was reconstructed in 2015 from the 1998 source tapes. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed june 29, 2015. corrected to control for malfunctioning electronics on nov 26, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/aliens-are-more-likely-than-god-2


3) from the deleted inricycled B compilation. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. remastered in 2013. recycled jan 7, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/climb-up-a-cloud-to-combat-some-hideous-creatures-and-then-fly-away-hidden


4) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated oct 21, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/guh-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-2

5) deleted 2013 remaster of 1998 demo cd. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. dated dec 21, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now-2013-remaster-of-1998-cd-2

6) deleted original 1996 mix. initially written in 1996. dated nov 24, 1996.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/guh-1996-demo-2

7) deleted original 1998 sequence from the initial demo cd. initially written in 1996. recreated in the spring of 1998. the first section is from mar 22, 1998 and the second section is from may 22, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now-1998-cd-2

so, i've tried a few different things with this track, but nothing's stuck. nor do i want to publish any of the vocals at all. there are actually some decent lines in the track, but i just don't see any value in producing a vocal version to hold to them out of context and don't see any point in including any of the previous vocal versions in the main presentation....

i guess there just isn't the same kind of thematic continuity. with the more ridiculous tracks, the one-liners really plowed the tracks forwards. there's nothing really like that, here. the chorus isn't really lyrically memorable. the better line is in the bridge:

"god's a fucking commie, but he still doesn't want me.
like russia, his demise is on the way: killed by the usa."

but, saving those two lines just isn't worth it. the original mixes will be available in the download and on the aleph disc, but not for streaming and not on any physical disc.

it's really just going to be a two-track single. pointless? no. because the flip has some value in isolation. this is a neat little tune, in the way that the guitars and bass intersect. check it out through phones.

working on inri012 today

this is what i'm working on today...

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now

it's funny that whenever i say i'm awake, i fall asleep within minutes.

whatever i end up releasing for wish, i'm going to wait. it was actually one of the first tracks i did with my keyboard; the vocal mix is dated to jan, 1998. yeah. the instrumental is dated to april. the glitch mix is dated to may. but, it didn't really get released until record #2 and i'd already decided i was going to release the first three tracks of the record as a single, dated to the summer of 1998.

i skipped this track during the reclamation process last summer because it was already instrumental, anyways. we'll see what happens. but i'm jumping over it, for now.

that means i'm back to the track 'think', which i'm going to do something or other for. there should be a lead track up soon, anyways.

08. the summer of final reconstructions, pt 1 (inri000-inri011) (dvd 8)

23-07-2016: closing inri011, working through may/98 and defining inri012

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/nope-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/slipping-away
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/weedin-the-yard
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/wish-r2d2-mix
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-phantom-of-the-washing-machine

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1

that gets me through april, 1998. and i'm still very much awake. there's just a few odds and ends left before i push through past june. the mini epic and the record are both giant pieces of music, the former a subset of the latter, and they'll both be closed shortly.

finalizing nope (inri011)

it's often remarked that there's a fine line between genius and idiocy. it's less often remarked that there's an equally fine line between wisdom and depression.

in early 1998, i was generating quite a bit of concern about my mental well being. ironically, i think this actually coincided with a period of very rapid mental development and maturation. i kind of just went to sleep one night as an immature teen and woke up the next morning as an overmature young adult. i can't really assign any kind of catalyst to it, either. while i haven't looked into this at all, i suspect it's a less uncommon phenomenon than might be imagined.

i should maybe give my parents, which at this point in time means my father and step-mother but primarily my father, a little bit of credit for at least being aware that my character underwent a fast and drastic shift from being kind of hyperactive and full of snarky wit to being quiet and sort of withdrawn. the immediate interpretation of such a shift is inevitably going to be that it is at least consistent with the onset of some kind of depression. so, i ended up dealing with the spanish inquisition for a while, regarding my shift in demeanor. was i alright? if i wasn't, would i tell him? would i agree to talk to somebody?

i did agree to talk to somebody, mostly to ease his own concerns. i mean, i just didn't see the need for him to be worrying about me like this.

the reality of the situation was that i had simply matured a little bit. sure: there were some real life concerns happening around me. life at 17 is not childhood any longer; it can be stressful. maybe that had affected me a little bit. but, depression? i didn't feel that i was suffering from anything. i just felt that my personality was asserting itself as something that was kind of stoic. i don't want to call myself a sociopath, exactly: stoicism gets the point across better. what's the point of getting irritable? what does it solve?

the doctor keyed in on some of the music i was listening to. now, it's the late 90s: right after grunge. people are still reeling from, like, kurt cobain copycat suicides. i was in a bit of a different musical head space than that, one defined mostly by nine inch nails (and including influences on nin and offshoots from it). that's actually considerably worse, on first glance, although i was aware of the fact that reznor was writing from the perspective of a character rather than from personal experience. the point is that i understood where the concern was coming from and was able to effectively articulate that point to the doctor. we agreed that i didn't necessarily need to be put on anti-depressants right away, but that i should accept a prescription and fill it at some point if i get overwhelmed.

so, i came home with a prescription and immediately hit the internet to research it. i didn't like what i found. i had explicitly told the doctor that i was experiencing a lack of emotional instability, not an excess of it. so, i didn't need to turn my emotions off; if anything, i would have benefited more from something that amplified my emotions more. the idea that i was depressed was just a misperception. nonetheless, the mere *idea* of taking drugs that would suppress my emotions and may have long term or permanent effects scared the hell out of me. the xfiles sample that appears on the original mix was something that i had put aside for future pro-atheist use but, after doing this research, became very relevant in a completely different context.

so, i wasn't keen on taking these drugs that were going to at best turn me into a zombie and at worst turn me into a mass murderer. nope. no thanks...

my dad pushed the point for quite a while, though. in his mind, i came home with a prescription and ought to fill it. this song is a reaction to his insistence, which i always knew was coming from a good place. in fact, he never really dropped the argument.

the doctor and i also talked a little bit about my own music, and how it was an outlet for various frustrations. i made the argument that, while i didn't feel depressed, i was nonetheless better off working out issues of the sort through art than i was taking pills. so, this song also exists on that kind of meta level.

in hindsight, i don't want to give off the impression that i reject psychology or the medicalization of depression. that is simply untrue. the honest truth is that i simply did not feel that i was suffering from any kind of depression. yet, i've also always been very uncomfortable with the way that this process unfolded. we talked for less than an hour, and i walked out with a prescription for a mind-altering substance that could have dramatically damaged me. why is there not more oversight in this process? one would think that i should have been given a blood test to determine if i actually had an imbalance or not. no doctor can determine an imbalance through intuition. that is flat out quackery! an imbalance must be measured. if it can be determined empirically, it ought to be reacted to. yet, i was never even tested.

as an artist, i'm glad that i had the presence of mind to reject the drugs at this age. i simply don't know what they would have done to me, or who i would be today had i taken them.

originally created in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 4, 2015. remixed july 15, 2015. vocals added jan 6, 2016. finalized on july 23, 2016. as always, please use headphones.  

the album version of this track appears on my first record, inri (inri015): jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3 

this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1998, 2013, 2015, 2016).

credits:
j - guitars, effects, synth bass, synths, drum programming, sequencing, vocals, sampling, digital wave editing, production

released april 29, 1998

i spent the morning making up the liner notes for inri010 (why) and the afternoon closing inri011 (nope). i've been a little distracted for the last few days. kind of anxious. i wish the weather would just stay around 30 in here, but i'm in a really epic war with the a/c upstairs. i keep turning the heat up to 32 or 33, then turning it off - it's the only way to avoid the refrigeration effect, without overheating. on some level, it's fucking awful. but, what else can i do? i don't want to wear a sweater in july. i don't even want to wear fucking pants.

i've had some difficulty with writing this up, but i'm getting to it. i think it should be up soon.

yeah, but i don't care about "views". i'm not a vlogger, i'm a musician. the vlogs are ads for the music. and the store is over here. i've said it a thousand times, too.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/

i'd put some products up directly on youtube, but they demand that you use google wallet, which doesn't accept my debit card information because it's from a small bank in canada. nor do i have a credit card.

so, the store is at bandcamp. it's pinned, even. and, i'm openly transparent about this.

i mean, i could in theory use pay pal - which can interface with my bank account. but, google will not allow it. you must use wallet. which cannot interface with my bank account...

i don't want to sell you shirts or buttons or dildos or whatever the fuck else, either. you'll notice i don't wear logos, myself. ever. i just don't want to run a business selling merchandise. i have no interest in it...

the discography is currently a little bare, but it's coming up quickly and when i get over the hump in finishing period 1.2 it's going to really explode forwards to the end of period 2. so, give me a few more weeks, at the most. i'm just about caught up, finally, after the interference breakdown.

and, that mri is on monday morning. what i'm expecting to find is that my jaw is growing in crooked and it's fucking with my ear. i'll have to see what kind of remedies they can provide. but, i'll have to react further based on the scans...

nope (inri011) is up next

this is next, and i don't expect to modify this release much - i just need to write the liner notes.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/nope-2

22-07-2016: inri010.

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1

publishing why (inri010)

audio permanently closed for inri010.

===

here's the biting, satirical, misanthropic anarchist jessica that you know and love! finally...

this is the first thing that shows up that's explicitly political in more than a social sense. the lyrics are clear, obvious and mixed very much to the front. here's the story on that: i'm emulating a beat-box situation. i'm a politician, tongue-in-cheek, with a sound system in the back. the paper crumpling sound in the middle is meant to represent me spoiling a ballot.

in hindsight, i suppose that the idea that i'm trying to get across is largely gramscian. in the language of modern memes, the track simply tells us to keep calm and vote for the status quo. but, you'll note that i'm focusing a lot on the deficit of discourse. this could be interpreted a few ways. you could think about how the function of advertising is to suppress thought, for example. however, what i was thinking at the time intersects most cleanly with the idea of the state functioning as the modern church. in this system, which does not only exist on the right, the politician is also a priest and enforces the same role of thought suppression that the church did in the middle ages. the politician herds the sheep into the polls to uphold the status quo; democracy consequently leads to stasis, and prevents any kind of real change. what i had actually read at this age was not gramsci or chomsky but orwell. yet, what's actually driving me is something closer to what we would today associate with dawkins - largely through asimov.

you'll note that i'm not particularly hopeful about the process, either - i don't have a lot of faith in humans to transcend this process of control. it's a deep form of misanthropy, with little way out. yet, my idea of human nature is that we are very malleable, not that we are fixed in perpetual assholery. even at this age, i realize that we are not doomed....

....we're just very poorly equipped to get our shit together.

initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. vocals added july 15, 2015. sequenced, released and finalized on july 22, 2016. as always, please use headphones.

credits:
j - guitars, effects, bass, drum programming, drum kit, synthesizers, found sound (paper crumpling), pick scrapes, tapes, noise generators, cool edit synthesis, sampling, vocals, digital wave editing, production

released april 19, 1998

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why


1) when i reclaimed this track in the summer of 2015, i output a vocal version for the fun of it and then left it to sit for several months. no single was constructed on the initial run through in early 2016 because i had made the decision to not release vocal mixes. however, with the creation of the epic "on sexual confusion in adolescence", i have reversed that decision and decided to release select vocal tracks as singles. this track makes the cut. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. vocals added july 15, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-3


2) this version has been edited and sequenced for inclusion on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. sequenced and finalized on july 22, 2016.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-album-version


3) version reconstructed in 2015 from tape. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2015-reconstruction-from-1998-source-tapes


4) this is a glitchy, instrumental remix of the track that i only vaguely recall putting together. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. converted to stereo on sept 24, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-wtf-mix-2


5) from inricycled. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated dec 11, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/phased-out-a-robots-lament-2


6) deleted 2013 remaster of the 1998 demo, which would later appear on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. dated dec 24, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2013-remaster-of-1998-demo


7) deleted 1998 edit, which would later appear on my second record, inriched (inri021). initially written in 1996. recreated and edited in april, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-original-1999-album-edit


8) 2013 remaster of 1996 demo cassette. initially written in 1996. remastered in 2013. dated oct 12, 2013.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-2013-remaster-of-1996-demo-mix-2

9) deleted 1998 original, unsequenced mix. initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. dated april 19, 1998.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-full-1998-mix-2

10) deleted original 1996 mix. initially written in 1996. dated oct 20, 1996.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/end-sequence-of-side-a-of-the-1996-demo-tape-2

ugh.

listen...

if you want a shitty, corporate-controlled model of music delivery then you'll have to learn to live with the shitty, corporate music that such a model is able to deliver. if you want independent music, then you'll have to seek out independent channels.

ok, this is done. i just need to do the write-up.

the first seven tracks are pretty final, for the physical cd. the last three uploads will be download-only bonus tracks.

re: the hip-hop thing - those are guitars, not tables. it's called "muting". you can hear the same sound in virtually any funk song. a related concept, the palm mute, is uses widely in metal. i acknowledge it sounds a little like a scratch, but it's again accidental - it's just meant to be a syncopated guitar muting.

so, i spent the morning rebuilding the vocal mix and then building the album edit. so, i think i at least have the pieces together for this, although i'm not at all sure which 98 mixes i want to use, yet.

i'm going to at least upload the parts, and then see how i want to put them together,

why (album mix)

this version has been edited and sequenced for inclusion on my second record, inriched (inri021).  initially written in 1996. recreated in april, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reclaimed july 12, 2015. sequenced and finalized on july 22, 2016.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/why-album-version

21-07-2016: fixing inri007, closing inri009, working through april/98 and defining inri010

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-did-your-mom-2
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/i-think-i-feel-much-better-now
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/convoy
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/wish
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/why
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1