Monday, January 26, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
i'm getting this weird "fucker at the mixing desk" vibe again. it's completely disconnected, beyond any possible remote...yet, the sound is noticeably different...
i've decided i'm not fucking around with this. i'm not being careful about it. i'm not waiting for reversals. if i think the mix has been modified, i will drastically alter it. i may blow it up and start from scratch.
i feel i have to take a zero tolerance approach to get the message across: if you alter my mixes, it will cost you a lot of money. so stop.
i will ensure that the time i'm losing in mixing things is being lost, monetarily, by whomever is fucking with me. and, if it means i get nothing else done before i kill myself next month, then whoever is responsible for that will need to be judged by history for it....
i've decided i'm not fucking around with this. i'm not being careful about it. i'm not waiting for reversals. if i think the mix has been modified, i will drastically alter it. i may blow it up and start from scratch.
i feel i have to take a zero tolerance approach to get the message across: if you alter my mixes, it will cost you a lot of money. so stop.
i will ensure that the time i'm losing in mixing things is being lost, monetarily, by whomever is fucking with me. and, if it means i get nothing else done before i kill myself next month, then whoever is responsible for that will need to be judged by history for it....
Friday, January 23, 2015
uploading transitional untitled to the scratch pad
i've uploaded a temporary mix to the scratchpad that represents a properly mixed version of the track as it would have existed had i not run out of ram when mixing it back in 2002. i'm not putting this up at bandcamp because of it's transitional nature; the next mix will take this transition mix as a core and work in the other parts i recorded in 2002. there will be a final mix that adds in some extra synths, and maybe some new guitar parts...
as always with the scratchpad (accessible from the about section), ideas are welcome - even though i'll probably ignore them. this will only be up until i'm done the next mix, which will probably be this afternoon....
as always with the scratchpad (accessible from the about section), ideas are welcome - even though i'll probably ignore them. this will only be up until i'm done the next mix, which will probably be this afternoon....
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
ostrich
it's been a while since i uploaded anything totally new, so i'm going to jump ahead a little with this. it's not clear how i'll be presenting this, yet.
this is an abandoned mix from late 2002 (uploaded unmodified) and will be the track i'll be working on next.
as this is the last track of the jjjjjjjjjjj phase, i'm going to finish this as an epic. it's an exceedingly rough skeleton. i thought i had more of a score than i do, so i'm going to have to score it first. again: i thought this would be sort of quick, but it clearly needs a lot of work.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/abandoned-mix
this is an abandoned mix from late 2002 (uploaded unmodified) and will be the track i'll be working on next.
as this is the last track of the jjjjjjjjjjj phase, i'm going to finish this as an epic. it's an exceedingly rough skeleton. i thought i had more of a score than i do, so i'm going to have to score it first. again: i thought this would be sort of quick, but it clearly needs a lot of work.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/abandoned-mix
yeah. i'm feeling myself moving out of the dead phase and into the manic phase. let's get this fucker done...
what i need to do is just sit down and put the thing on repeat and tweak it mildly until what i want comes out. i keep saying this won't take long, but i'm realizing this was a false projection. it's gonna be a while...
what i need to do is just sit down and put the thing on repeat and tweak it mildly until what i want comes out. i keep saying this won't take long, but i'm realizing this was a false projection. it's gonna be a while...
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
grargh.
i'm having difficulty focusing. with all the other stuff i'm always going on about, if you had a bit of an outline of my life you'd maybe question why i'm not wondering about add. i'm kind of textbook, actually. but it's never really been something i can't get over. and i'm not about to start popping crack-cocaine....
to answer the question directly? i don't accept the existence of add. i think it's just an excuse to sell drugs to kids. sorry.
so, what's really going on?
well, i've been through this before. repeatedly. it's generally driven by a feeling of ineptitude. meaning it's more like a type of depression that sets in when the tasks in front of me aren't easy to complete. i think this stems from not going through a lot of difficulty as a kid. i was a gifted kid. i didn't learn to struggle. i didn't learn to compete; there was nobody to compete with. i wasn't faced with something i couldn't do with minimal effort until i was in my 20s, and i simply didn't know how to approach the situation. i kind of go into these states of shock, instead, where i can't address what i'm supposed to be addressing.
when i know i can get what i want out of my tools, i tend to be very efficient. it's when i'm not sure how i'm going to proceed that i start to procrastinate. it's the same thing with all aspects of my life. if i know how i'm going to approach an essay, it's done relatively quickly. if i don't, it's not done until the last minute, or a week past the due date.
what it exposes isn't some kind of chemical imbalance that can be fixed with drugs. it's more like a reversed value system. i don't have this "protestant work ethic". and i don't glorify hard work. rather, i expect to be talented enough to do things without trying, and i get depressed when i realize i'm not.
i don't find forcing it helps. it has to pass. but what's pissing me off at this particular point in time is that the amount of time i have left is probably limited. i'll find out on the 17th. but it's very likely that i will take my own life sometime between april and july, as my disability runs out and i'm left without further acceptable options. i should be getting as much done as i can...
instead, i find myself wasting time on youtube.
my goal over this period was supposed to be to get a whole lot done. but i've wasted most of the last month, and am not really clear when this is going to lift.
if i'm not able to focus on this track within a day or two, i'm going to have to skip it and come back to it.
the first time i EVER received ANY grade less than 70 was in the second year of university.
there's been a lot written about why c students end up managing things, and a students end up as drone workers. a big part of it is no doubt due to reducing independent thought in management, which is a fundamental tactic of the class war. that is, the big bosses don't want the little bosses to be smart - they just want them to be obedient. but i think another part of it is that kids with lower grades are more resilient. they have to fight harder, younger. it becomes a more dominant component of their life.
somebody like me that walks into the eighth grade, gets thrown out for picking on the teacher and then gets an a anyways because i was at a twelfth grade level when i was 8 just spends that whole process in stasis, whereas somebody that's moving at the grade level in the way the system demands is constantly struggling and learning.
at the end of it, i spent high school tossing planes and smoking pot - and still got an a average because i could have passed an equivalency test in the 7th, before i set foot in the place. the kid that struggled through with a B- consequently learned a whole lot more than i did, both scholastically and non-scholastically. when the kid that struggled walks out of school, they're walking into a world they were prepared for. when i walked out of school, i was walking into a world i didn't understand at all.
i guess it took me ten years just to figure that out.
and, at the moment, i haven't the faintest clue how to address it.
all i know is that, when i'm faced with a challenge, i tend to get depressed and give up rather than become determined and try harder.
i'm having difficulty focusing. with all the other stuff i'm always going on about, if you had a bit of an outline of my life you'd maybe question why i'm not wondering about add. i'm kind of textbook, actually. but it's never really been something i can't get over. and i'm not about to start popping crack-cocaine....
to answer the question directly? i don't accept the existence of add. i think it's just an excuse to sell drugs to kids. sorry.
so, what's really going on?
well, i've been through this before. repeatedly. it's generally driven by a feeling of ineptitude. meaning it's more like a type of depression that sets in when the tasks in front of me aren't easy to complete. i think this stems from not going through a lot of difficulty as a kid. i was a gifted kid. i didn't learn to struggle. i didn't learn to compete; there was nobody to compete with. i wasn't faced with something i couldn't do with minimal effort until i was in my 20s, and i simply didn't know how to approach the situation. i kind of go into these states of shock, instead, where i can't address what i'm supposed to be addressing.
when i know i can get what i want out of my tools, i tend to be very efficient. it's when i'm not sure how i'm going to proceed that i start to procrastinate. it's the same thing with all aspects of my life. if i know how i'm going to approach an essay, it's done relatively quickly. if i don't, it's not done until the last minute, or a week past the due date.
what it exposes isn't some kind of chemical imbalance that can be fixed with drugs. it's more like a reversed value system. i don't have this "protestant work ethic". and i don't glorify hard work. rather, i expect to be talented enough to do things without trying, and i get depressed when i realize i'm not.
i don't find forcing it helps. it has to pass. but what's pissing me off at this particular point in time is that the amount of time i have left is probably limited. i'll find out on the 17th. but it's very likely that i will take my own life sometime between april and july, as my disability runs out and i'm left without further acceptable options. i should be getting as much done as i can...
instead, i find myself wasting time on youtube.
my goal over this period was supposed to be to get a whole lot done. but i've wasted most of the last month, and am not really clear when this is going to lift.
if i'm not able to focus on this track within a day or two, i'm going to have to skip it and come back to it.
the first time i EVER received ANY grade less than 70 was in the second year of university.
there's been a lot written about why c students end up managing things, and a students end up as drone workers. a big part of it is no doubt due to reducing independent thought in management, which is a fundamental tactic of the class war. that is, the big bosses don't want the little bosses to be smart - they just want them to be obedient. but i think another part of it is that kids with lower grades are more resilient. they have to fight harder, younger. it becomes a more dominant component of their life.
somebody like me that walks into the eighth grade, gets thrown out for picking on the teacher and then gets an a anyways because i was at a twelfth grade level when i was 8 just spends that whole process in stasis, whereas somebody that's moving at the grade level in the way the system demands is constantly struggling and learning.
at the end of it, i spent high school tossing planes and smoking pot - and still got an a average because i could have passed an equivalency test in the 7th, before i set foot in the place. the kid that struggled through with a B- consequently learned a whole lot more than i did, both scholastically and non-scholastically. when the kid that struggled walks out of school, they're walking into a world they were prepared for. when i walked out of school, i was walking into a world i didn't understand at all.
i guess it took me ten years just to figure that out.
and, at the moment, i haven't the faintest clue how to address it.
all i know is that, when i'm faced with a challenge, i tend to get depressed and give up rather than become determined and try harder.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
super sore right arm...
the first thing that jumps to mind is that i've been dealing with a lot of symptoms of ms lately, and it's more evidence. but i feel that's jumping to conclusions. it might be correct, but what else could it be?
sore arm = heart attack? it's on the right side, which doesn't *really* matter. but it feels like a muscle issue. i've had my blood pressure checked several times over the last few months, and it's actually very low. so, i'm going to write that off as obscure.
carpal tunnel syndrome? don't laugh. i do absurd amounts of typing, and noticed my left wrist was a little sore the other day. i think i'm going to want to monitor that. but it's a little too high up in the arm.
for right now, i'm actually going to merely assume that i pulled it a little doing groceries yesterday. i ended up with a bigger bag of fruit than i was expecting because the strawberries and bananas were both on sale. and i had a coffee in the other hand, along with a knapsack full of soy milk and oj, because it was also on sale. so, it was a big haul. i felt it as i was walking, but not when i got home; then again, you generally don't notice it until you wake up.
i do a lot of walking, but no muscle training, so i'm in very good health but weak as a twig. the solution is to fix my bicycle and start using it...
a sore arm probably won't slow me down tonight, but it might. we'll have to see if it prevents me from sitting up or if i'm going to have to spend the night in bed.
the first thing that jumps to mind is that i've been dealing with a lot of symptoms of ms lately, and it's more evidence. but i feel that's jumping to conclusions. it might be correct, but what else could it be?
sore arm = heart attack? it's on the right side, which doesn't *really* matter. but it feels like a muscle issue. i've had my blood pressure checked several times over the last few months, and it's actually very low. so, i'm going to write that off as obscure.
carpal tunnel syndrome? don't laugh. i do absurd amounts of typing, and noticed my left wrist was a little sore the other day. i think i'm going to want to monitor that. but it's a little too high up in the arm.
for right now, i'm actually going to merely assume that i pulled it a little doing groceries yesterday. i ended up with a bigger bag of fruit than i was expecting because the strawberries and bananas were both on sale. and i had a coffee in the other hand, along with a knapsack full of soy milk and oj, because it was also on sale. so, it was a big haul. i felt it as i was walking, but not when i got home; then again, you generally don't notice it until you wake up.
i do a lot of walking, but no muscle training, so i'm in very good health but weak as a twig. the solution is to fix my bicycle and start using it...
a sore arm probably won't slow me down tonight, but it might. we'll have to see if it prevents me from sitting up or if i'm going to have to spend the night in bed.
this bloody track....
i've been experimenting with it off and on for thirteen years and it just won't connect.
but it will. it must. dammit...
i'm considering deconstructing the drum collage, which is built up from about fifty samples and is going to be a lengthy process. having the bass drum and cymbal crashes in the same file just isn't mixing well, as i really want to equalize them separately.
but there's a few things i want to try before i do that, because it's going to lead to a drastic change in the track that i want to avoid. like, i want to remix it, not rewrite it. this is a track that has all the components i want, but that i could just never mix the way i wanted it.
another problem is that the source is not clean, and the effects are mostly rather dry. it was the first time working in a real daw, and i didn't have the necessary foresight....
so, i may have to redo some of the guitars, but it's going to be a last resort.
i very, very rarely feel as though i need outside production help. but with all the focus i spend on effects and mixing, it's worthwhile to point out that i'm an experimental guitarist, i'm not a producer. this is the rare moment where i might want to talk to a techno producer about some specific eq/compression choices...
in the end, though, experimenting is the only possible approach, regardless of knowledge or experience levels.
it will sound "right" soon enough. just gotta keep tweaking it
i mean, i have tools available to me now that i didn't have then. i have no excuse not to nail it. and i will nail it.
i've been experimenting with it off and on for thirteen years and it just won't connect.
but it will. it must. dammit...
i'm considering deconstructing the drum collage, which is built up from about fifty samples and is going to be a lengthy process. having the bass drum and cymbal crashes in the same file just isn't mixing well, as i really want to equalize them separately.
but there's a few things i want to try before i do that, because it's going to lead to a drastic change in the track that i want to avoid. like, i want to remix it, not rewrite it. this is a track that has all the components i want, but that i could just never mix the way i wanted it.
another problem is that the source is not clean, and the effects are mostly rather dry. it was the first time working in a real daw, and i didn't have the necessary foresight....
so, i may have to redo some of the guitars, but it's going to be a last resort.
i very, very rarely feel as though i need outside production help. but with all the focus i spend on effects and mixing, it's worthwhile to point out that i'm an experimental guitarist, i'm not a producer. this is the rare moment where i might want to talk to a techno producer about some specific eq/compression choices...
in the end, though, experimenting is the only possible approach, regardless of knowledge or experience levels.
it will sound "right" soon enough. just gotta keep tweaking it
i mean, i have tools available to me now that i didn't have then. i have no excuse not to nail it. and i will nail it.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
untitled (out of ram mix)
so, i've spent most of the night listening to two nearly identical versions of this track and trying to decide which one i want to use.
when i initially recorded the track in cakewalk (as an experiment with the program) on a windows 98 machine, i ran out of ram after eight tracks and had to go back to my normal wave editor collage-build mixing process to finish it. unfortunately, i didn't really like the edits i made and ended up defaulting to this version for many years. however, it was only saved in mp3...
on aug 11, 2010, i converted the track to 32-bit directly from the mp3 (which i verified in dec, 2014 via phase inversion) and uploaded it to bandcamp, as a part of the never really finished and with now unclear future tetris project. while i don't feel that the sound quality of the track is sufficient to act as a base for a final version, the process of compressing, decompressing and then converting to 32-bit produced something special on the bottom end that i feel is worth keeping for it's own sake. however, i'm going to have to keep the track as download-only for two reasons. the first is that i'd have to convert back to 16-bit to burn it. the second is that there's not going to be room on the disc for it, anyways.
so, i'm leaving that as it is - and the next thing i'm going to do is revisit the remix of this that i did to emulate it. now, yes, i'm going to take a snapshot at this point, but it's also going to act as the core of the final mix, so it's going to have to be a little more produced sounding. that's kind of why i felt the need to make this available. it seemed foolish to sit there and try and make a clean mix sound like a muddled mp3 mix; i got a cool bass sound out of the compression, and i should just let that be. if i'm going to remix it, it makes more sense to remix it for optimal quality.
so, that's the next thing. i've got a few hours to blow while i wait for the temperature to hit zero, then i need to do groceries. it won't be done today, but it will probably be done and uploaded for tomorrow.
this is dated to sept 1, 2002.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/untitled-original-out-of-ram-mix
when i initially recorded the track in cakewalk (as an experiment with the program) on a windows 98 machine, i ran out of ram after eight tracks and had to go back to my normal wave editor collage-build mixing process to finish it. unfortunately, i didn't really like the edits i made and ended up defaulting to this version for many years. however, it was only saved in mp3...
on aug 11, 2010, i converted the track to 32-bit directly from the mp3 (which i verified in dec, 2014 via phase inversion) and uploaded it to bandcamp, as a part of the never really finished and with now unclear future tetris project. while i don't feel that the sound quality of the track is sufficient to act as a base for a final version, the process of compressing, decompressing and then converting to 32-bit produced something special on the bottom end that i feel is worth keeping for it's own sake. however, i'm going to have to keep the track as download-only for two reasons. the first is that i'd have to convert back to 16-bit to burn it. the second is that there's not going to be room on the disc for it, anyways.
so, i'm leaving that as it is - and the next thing i'm going to do is revisit the remix of this that i did to emulate it. now, yes, i'm going to take a snapshot at this point, but it's also going to act as the core of the final mix, so it's going to have to be a little more produced sounding. that's kind of why i felt the need to make this available. it seemed foolish to sit there and try and make a clean mix sound like a muddled mp3 mix; i got a cool bass sound out of the compression, and i should just let that be. if i'm going to remix it, it makes more sense to remix it for optimal quality.
so, that's the next thing. i've got a few hours to blow while i wait for the temperature to hit zero, then i need to do groceries. it won't be done today, but it will probably be done and uploaded for tomorrow.
this is dated to sept 1, 2002.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/untitled-original-out-of-ram-mix
i saw it again out the window tonight...
it's definitely too small to be a cougar, but the tail is too big to be a house cat.
it might be a fisher.
this is outside the fisher range, though. hrmmn. it's in the "historic range".
it could have been a pet. either way, i don't think it's cause for concern. there's my "testing" and neutralizing...
i mean, fishers are violent, nasty things. no doubt. but they're not powerful enough to pose me a serious threat the way a mountain lion would...
it's definitely too small to be a cougar, but the tail is too big to be a house cat.
it might be a fisher.
this is outside the fisher range, though. hrmmn. it's in the "historic range".
it could have been a pet. either way, i don't think it's cause for concern. there's my "testing" and neutralizing...
i mean, fishers are violent, nasty things. no doubt. but they're not powerful enough to pose me a serious threat the way a mountain lion would...
removing corrupted files from youtube
i just took four more songs down and will promise to be more careful about uploading things in the future. everything up here is now done, with the exception of that intro track which needs to be completed.
taken down...
1) this is out of sync and will require a re-render. it was rendered in a hurry on equipment i wouldn't normally use to render and i didn't even think to check the latency.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/orb-symphony
2) this is the track i'm currently working on completing, and a complete version will be the next upload.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/untitled-ep-single
3 & 4 were stranded versions of the following tracks:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/strung-out
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/trepanation-nation
they were all uploaded haphazardly when my drive crashed, and, again i lost hits on that. that's about 1000 lost hits. but they weren't done...
taken down...
1) this is out of sync and will require a re-render. it was rendered in a hurry on equipment i wouldn't normally use to render and i didn't even think to check the latency.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/orb-symphony
2) this is the track i'm currently working on completing, and a complete version will be the next upload.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/untitled-ep-single
3 & 4 were stranded versions of the following tracks:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/strung-out
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/trepanation-nation
they were all uploaded haphazardly when my drive crashed, and, again i lost hits on that. that's about 1000 lost hits. but they weren't done...
Friday, January 16, 2015
alright, finally. back at it as of right now...
i said when i started inri042 that it wouldn't take long, and then got stuck playing with a guitar sampler before i realized i had to put it aside to come back fresh at it. the basic reality that this isn't a complex process remains true, so it should be up fairly quickly.
after this, the next track to finish is this "ostrich" thing that was initially meant as sarah's christmas present for 2002. i ended up shelving it in favour of "flying". i'm not sure exactly how this is going to work out, but it's going to finish several releases simultaneously - there'll be a single that will represent that birthday present, it will be the last track for j^2 and it will be the last component of thru (excepting a vst reversion of the birdsong). rather than produce separate singles for all of this, i may construct a "bird ep". birds were a thematic point for me, coming from several different angles; i'll explain all of this as it comes up.
my fifth symphony comes up next and i'm going to need to listen to it closely to determine the right approach. the early 2002 release will likely come up unaltered; i'll leave any mods for further releases.
there's going to be an ambient works after that, which will be a compilation. i'm going to want to sequence it, but it shouldn't be long, either.
that will take me up until i got back from bc, where i'm going to need to pause to analyze the best way to present some material. my sixth symphony is also in a completed form. there will be a few demos that will need to come up, as is, as well.
the next major project will be my seventh symphony, which is about 80% done. my eighth symphony will need to follow, and it is not recorded at all. there's a few minor projects to clean up in the middle of there. there's a programming project dated to late 2004 that i'm not sure i want to take on at all and will have to think carefully about.
i've been saying for a while that i will be rapidly jumping from late 2002 to late 2004, and it hasn't happened yet. but it will be happening right now. i want to at least get to that point by february 17th, when i have an important appointment scheduled. so, i think you can expect a lot of uploads and very little talking over the next month.
this will get me through the tail end of my second period and through the part of the third period that i have completed. the second half of my third period is going to require approaching demos from scratch and will *not* be a quick project.
symphony 5 and 6 are basically complete, and exist on youtube. symphony 7 is incomplete and only exists online right now as the third component of this gestating double record. symphony 8 will be the fourth and final component. this is the major result of my third period.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/e
this is a demo of the 8th symphony:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-lost-symphony-winter-2007
that ^ actually includes the end of the 7th, as well.
i said when i started inri042 that it wouldn't take long, and then got stuck playing with a guitar sampler before i realized i had to put it aside to come back fresh at it. the basic reality that this isn't a complex process remains true, so it should be up fairly quickly.
after this, the next track to finish is this "ostrich" thing that was initially meant as sarah's christmas present for 2002. i ended up shelving it in favour of "flying". i'm not sure exactly how this is going to work out, but it's going to finish several releases simultaneously - there'll be a single that will represent that birthday present, it will be the last track for j^2 and it will be the last component of thru (excepting a vst reversion of the birdsong). rather than produce separate singles for all of this, i may construct a "bird ep". birds were a thematic point for me, coming from several different angles; i'll explain all of this as it comes up.
my fifth symphony comes up next and i'm going to need to listen to it closely to determine the right approach. the early 2002 release will likely come up unaltered; i'll leave any mods for further releases.
there's going to be an ambient works after that, which will be a compilation. i'm going to want to sequence it, but it shouldn't be long, either.
that will take me up until i got back from bc, where i'm going to need to pause to analyze the best way to present some material. my sixth symphony is also in a completed form. there will be a few demos that will need to come up, as is, as well.
the next major project will be my seventh symphony, which is about 80% done. my eighth symphony will need to follow, and it is not recorded at all. there's a few minor projects to clean up in the middle of there. there's a programming project dated to late 2004 that i'm not sure i want to take on at all and will have to think carefully about.
i've been saying for a while that i will be rapidly jumping from late 2002 to late 2004, and it hasn't happened yet. but it will be happening right now. i want to at least get to that point by february 17th, when i have an important appointment scheduled. so, i think you can expect a lot of uploads and very little talking over the next month.
this will get me through the tail end of my second period and through the part of the third period that i have completed. the second half of my third period is going to require approaching demos from scratch and will *not* be a quick project.
symphony 5 and 6 are basically complete, and exist on youtube. symphony 7 is incomplete and only exists online right now as the third component of this gestating double record. symphony 8 will be the fourth and final component. this is the major result of my third period.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/e
this is a demo of the 8th symphony:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/the-lost-symphony-winter-2007
that ^ actually includes the end of the 7th, as well.
and, now there's cougars EVERYWHERE....
part of the reason i'm not calling this in is that i *know* i have an irrational fear of predatory cats. like, i know there's not really a cougar lurking in the bushes across the street - even though, if there was a cougar around here, it would be a good place to check. i know it's the wind, combined with my eyes playing tricks on me (and my eyesight not being very good, when discussing distances). what looks like a cougar is probably just an oddly shaped branch. i realize this.
i have a number of irrational fears like that. usually i can work it out. this undiagnosed schizophrenia is a double-edged sword when the individual has a worldview rooted in empiricism. it pulls on you. it's nagging. but there's usually a way to *test* it, and then you know. the problem with the predatory cats fear is that if you're legitimately concerned that there's a cougar lurking in the bushes then going over to investigate isn't the best approach to dealing with it because if there *is* a cougar in there - however unlikely - then you become lunch. as i can't test this, i can't neutralize it.
i'm pretty sure it ultimately stems from studying them when i was a kid. and, this is actually something i've been dealing with since i was about eight. i have very clear memories of seeing a tiger in my neighbourhood when i was a kid, and avoiding a specific area because i was certain of it. i guess the trend over the last little while has been with dinosaurs; it's not uncommon to meet kids that can classify every type of jurassic diapsid - and i was admittedly pretty good at that myself. but i had a thing with cats, specifically. i could tell you the difference between a jaguarundi and an ocelot, tell you what their ranges were, whether they were endangered or not, etc. so, when i say i saw a bengal tiger near the pool, i meant a bengal tiger - because i knew.
but, of course, it was probably always the result of an overactive imagination. it's probably a better idea to get your kids classifying dinosaurs than predatory cats, because they're going to understand that the chances of coming face to face with an albertosaurus are pretty remote. predatory cats, however, still exist.
there's really only one that we're likely to come face-to-face with here in canada. hence, the fear of cougars.
i was a total nervous wreck when i was hitchhiking through bc, convinced i was going to be mauled. it's my most vivid memory of the trip, which i'm getting to in the musical chronology. and that might have something to do with this, right now.
but it's just a lot easier to work it out in my head than it is to actually shake it.
part of the reason i'm not calling this in is that i *know* i have an irrational fear of predatory cats. like, i know there's not really a cougar lurking in the bushes across the street - even though, if there was a cougar around here, it would be a good place to check. i know it's the wind, combined with my eyes playing tricks on me (and my eyesight not being very good, when discussing distances). what looks like a cougar is probably just an oddly shaped branch. i realize this.
i have a number of irrational fears like that. usually i can work it out. this undiagnosed schizophrenia is a double-edged sword when the individual has a worldview rooted in empiricism. it pulls on you. it's nagging. but there's usually a way to *test* it, and then you know. the problem with the predatory cats fear is that if you're legitimately concerned that there's a cougar lurking in the bushes then going over to investigate isn't the best approach to dealing with it because if there *is* a cougar in there - however unlikely - then you become lunch. as i can't test this, i can't neutralize it.
i'm pretty sure it ultimately stems from studying them when i was a kid. and, this is actually something i've been dealing with since i was about eight. i have very clear memories of seeing a tiger in my neighbourhood when i was a kid, and avoiding a specific area because i was certain of it. i guess the trend over the last little while has been with dinosaurs; it's not uncommon to meet kids that can classify every type of jurassic diapsid - and i was admittedly pretty good at that myself. but i had a thing with cats, specifically. i could tell you the difference between a jaguarundi and an ocelot, tell you what their ranges were, whether they were endangered or not, etc. so, when i say i saw a bengal tiger near the pool, i meant a bengal tiger - because i knew.
but, of course, it was probably always the result of an overactive imagination. it's probably a better idea to get your kids classifying dinosaurs than predatory cats, because they're going to understand that the chances of coming face to face with an albertosaurus are pretty remote. predatory cats, however, still exist.
there's really only one that we're likely to come face-to-face with here in canada. hence, the fear of cougars.
i was a total nervous wreck when i was hitchhiking through bc, convinced i was going to be mauled. it's my most vivid memory of the trip, which i'm getting to in the musical chronology. and that might have something to do with this, right now.
but it's just a lot easier to work it out in my head than it is to actually shake it.
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