i'm still cleaning and finding an unexpected source of filth - underneath various table tops.

and, i'm wondering about that...

there's nothing underneath me now. but, all of this furniture was set up directly on top of the pot smoker, when i was in the apartment.

i'm pulling off layers of shit, and it's not clear to me exactly where it could possibly be coming from, except maybe that it's been sitting there the whole time.

if that's true, it's been there for 2.5 years. 

well, if that's true then i've found it, eventually, and gotten rid of it. let's hope it helps.

so, this is what i'm doing for the next few weeks until i catch up:

https://thejournalofj.blogspot.com/

and, i'll have to devise some process around regular postings.

i just want to get to sitting down at a desk typing rather than sitting in bed typing. it's just a question of normalizing the process of actually working....

but, now i'm tired and need a nap - after breathing in piles of shit while cleaning. i just blew my nose and it was full of dust particles. it just demonstrates the necessity of what i'm doing - and how dirty it is in this space.

i haven't posted any pictures of this place, but it could be considered a two bedroom apartment without an eat-in kitchen. i'm using the living room as a studio space (even if i haven't been using it except as storage) and i'm using the "second bedroom" as an eat-in kitchen, even if i've actually been eating in bed (because my 90s laptop got hacked by the cops). if you compare it to the space i was blogging in, i've kind of flipped the living room with the studio due to size restraints. i need three rooms - somewhere to sleep, somewhere to record and somewhere to eat - and this has that; the previous basement really had four rooms, plus a semi-connected den for smoking pot in once in a while. this is a substantively smaller space, but is functionally similar. and, that place was honestly a bit bigger of a space than i really need...

i wanted to finish cleaning in here before i stopped to eat or sleep that's taking far too long, so i'm going to make take my pills , take at least a nap and get back to it after.

i've decided that i want to try to reconstruct some kind of concept of normality in here, even if it's going to be a while.

so, i've moved the chrome book from the bed to the desk, i've got the tunes running through the receiver and i'm going to reboot directly into the alter-reality.

i'm trying to rewind here and remember what year is what. i'm pretty sure that mellon collie and the infinite sadness was released in grade 9, so that sets grade 9 to starting in the fall of 1995.

uni 3 - 02/03  <--- that is a reference point i'm certain is correct

uni 2- 01/02

uni 1-  00/01

13 - 99/00

12 - 98/99

11 - 97/98

10 - 96/97

9 - 95/96

8  - 94/95 -

7 - 93/94 - 

6 - 92/93 - 

5 - 91/92 -    

4 - 90/91 -   <----this is what i need to catch up to, and then stay caught up with. it's currently march, 1991 in the alter-reality.

3 - 89/90 - 

i wanted to start the alter-reality journal in the summer of 1989, because i switched schools to start grade 3.

the mechanism, in the end,  will be that i'll find the journal somewhere and scan it. but, for now i need to produce a portrait of the artist as a young trans woman, and work this out as it comes up.

i wanted to do this in 2019, but i got bogged down and i need to stop getting bogged down and get to fucking work.

what about the alter-reality?

well, i need to do something or other, yes. clearly...

let me think about this.

no, this is is silly and arbitrary.

let me just try and clean in here as much as i can and then actually get started on 2013 again once i've cleaned the place out.

i'm considering taking a different approach. i used to think the guy upstairs was just a disgusting idiot; i'm now convinced that he's a cop that is spying on me. so, what if i spend 10 hours a day cleaning in here for the next three months? what if i just lysol the walls every time he smokes?

if i'm right, and the fundamental problem is that i'm under surveillance, then this isn't passive, and essentially cutting off the action will have the effect of a boycott type action.

yeah, so i was going to do some rebuilding over late 2016 but then i remembered that i'd have to load up my youtube site and my word document at the same time. i can't just copy it out of the document, i have to regain a train of thought around it, and it's best to start from the beginning.

i slept all day; it's smoky in here, again. it's jut impossible to get your head around how absolutely disgusting these people are, or the absolutely terrible quality of life they must have. what's the point of living in such a degraded state, enslaved to the drugs like that? why bother existing as a useless zombie? just go kill yourself. fuck.

but, i'm going to want to hit a posting limit before i stop to clean and i'm going to do it by cross-referencing over 2019, like i was.

maybe the type of music you like is produced by junkies and drugged-up buffoons.

but, it's not what the music i make is like.

check out the links, if you don't believe me - it's just too complicated for drugs, and i'd rather make nothing at all than find myself reduced to producing boring garbage for junkie retards.

marijuana makes people dumb.

i need the ability for clear and focused thinking, or i'm not into it. i'll ramble online, instead.

drugs have the tendency to convert intelligent, creative artists into blithering, retarded idiots.

i'm not doing that to myself - i'll wait it out.

the sanctity of the discography is too important.

why don't i do it like this, though...

i had a bunch of files put aside for rebuilding 2014-2017. if i post too fast, they'll shut me down for the night. so, if i post very fast, it will give me a down space to clean in, until i can rebuild this part of the apartment, at least.

yeah.

alright.

so, expect some rebuilding then.

when am i going to get past this? well, like i say - i can't work in the filth. so, it's up to the cop upstairs to stop smoking drugs in the house, or up to me to get to a more stable environment that is more conducive to creativity and abstract thinking, rather than this dirty space where i''m constantly tired and unfocused.

ok. i'm realizing the need for a rethink, here.

up until about september of last year, i was working on a series of liner notes for old records. i took what i hoped to be a minor break to work out a diet plan and found myself doing tons of research on it, to the point that i decided i wanted to write a book about it. when i first stopped for the diet project, i was also realizing the need to wait for the temperature to shift a little a little bit before i did a major cleaning operation in the basement. i was actually hoping to shift back into normal music production relatively quickly.

a few weeks ago, i started pulling back to consolidate the four blogs, as i started building up a text about the diet. and, then i wanted to build a text about the pandemic. and, i just keep pulling further and further back....

now, i want to build a text about the karen case, which would mean pulling back to mid 2018 and when i first moved in here.

and, if i'm going to do that then i need to do a round of serious archiving while i'm at it. is that actually worthwhile? should i go back to 2013?

if anything, the second-hand smoke in here has only gotten worse, so the cleaning seems pointless. but, now i have this messy pile of writing and i don't even know how to approach it. but, i need to refocus - and remember that i'm a musician first and foremost, and that i'm running out of existence to finish my discography in.

to be clear: this is all fundamental to the discography. but, i'm in a deep recursion and i'm realizing the need to break it.

i had just finished a major round of archiving in 2018, right? and i talked about wanting to do a round of archiving a last step before i got back to recording.

i can't seriously record in this basement, i can't think straight with all the drugs and pollution.

so, why don't i go back to see where i was. if i pick back up at a reasonable archiving point, i can start generating these subtexts as i archive, and kind of run it all off in one step.

...but, then, if i'm going to do that, why not rebuild first? yeah - that's right. i was going to rebuild first and then archive, which makes sense. but i needed to triple check the 2013 stuff, first.

shit.

ok.

let's go back to the start. and, let's hope it doesn't take too long.

that means:

1) cleaning down here as best i can. it's largely pointless - i'm living with a smoker and a drug addict. that's why i've stopped cleaning at all - there's no use in even vacuuming. it just stinks again five minutes later. but, i need to do a little bit, just to make setting some equipment back up feasible.

2) setting the pc back up with the laptop's hard drive was the simplest way that i was able to get a stable system, due to the apparent back door in the laptop that was allowing the cops to reboot the machine at will.

3) once i get the first reconstruction phase revamped - and finalized forever - i can rebuild and consolidate over 2014-2018.

4) then, i can archive over 2018-2021 while rebuilding these documents, and finishing the diet plan.

i actually don't think that'll take that long.

but i always say that.

it doesn't seem like there's going to be anything worthwhile to do this summer, and i'm not expecting to find myself frustrated the way i was last year, so i'd might as well get back to what i was doing.

right now, i'm going to stop to eat - and open the window to deal with the drugs from upstairs.