three later projects of unclear catalog numbers have been added to the end, as well.
note that my compromise to using youtube (without ads! ads are gross!) as a distribution mechanism is that the tracks are only available there in what is essentially radio quality. this is entirely intentional, as a push factor to take you to bandcamp to buy the files in cd quality. you might be ok about listening to an ad for socks to get "free music", you might think that's a fair exchange, as i get tossed a 1000th of a cent for it, but i find that distribution system to be revolting and want nothing to do with it. you can have it in shit quality for free - but if you want it in high quality, then please pay me for it.
is there really footage out there of carroll spinney conducting an orchestra as big bird?
if not, there should be. and, i'm sure we could come up with a great program. some messaien, some bits of beethoven's sixth...
but, i almost feel like i should commission myself to do this, as though it needs something more specific that does not yet exist.
the ostrich overture.
with oscar on the cans.
wait for it.
(it could be a while.)
Sunday, June 7, 2020
facebook post:
i'm going to need to clean this space up over the next few hours, but the story is that...
i've spent the last year and a bit converting old blogs into pdf files, which sounds like a waste of time, but is tied into the process of building liner notes for rereleases from when i first moved to windsor. i'm almost done the first phase of this, and am going to put the second phase on hold for a later time.
i've been hosting these files in two places: bandcamp (in the form of music journals that you can buy) and noise trade (which offered the files for free, and let you donate an amount, if you want).
bandcamp is very reliable, and i thank them for it. but, within hours of finishing the last major journal update, the noise trade site just up and disappeared. the account continues to exist, and i can change the password, but i can't log into it. it's very weird.
when i signed up for noise trade a few years ago, it was an independent site that allowed for free file sharing. that was my attraction to it. up until now, the only other site that i've had on the internet with a paywall has been bandcamp, which is just a necessity in this awful economic system we exist in - i have to try to sell you something, whether i like it or not. but i try to make everything freely available, as i find ways to try to navigate through the contradictions in our day-to-day lives. i want you to pay me, but i don't. it's frustrating for everybody, but it's unavoidable. i mean, the other option is that i get a job (that is, that i sell my labour, instead) and give my art away for free, but that's kind of giving up on life, in my estimation.
what i want is for you to donate. i want grants, i want benefactors - because i want artistic freedom. i have to deal with the vulgarity of market interactions, i have to reduce things to commodities, because i don't truly have the freedom not to. but, i hate that fact, and i want to find creative ways around it.
noise trade was attractive to me for that reason - it allowed me to sort of escape the commodification of the process, and let you decide if you want to throw money at me in support, or just take the end result for free. it was a good compromise, while it lasted.
shortly after i set the site up, it got bought out by paste magazine and shifted it's hosting to the increasingly dominant amazon. the amount of ads has steadily increased, since, to the point that the site is almost unusable. and, now the site has disappeared, leaving me without an option for free dissemination. i initially sought some kind of explanation before acting further, but, after some reflection, have decided that it doesn't matter - i'd rather separate my art from that kind of profit making machinery, anyways. the site has become gross, to me.
you'll note that i don't tend to post to sites that are ad-supported, facebook being the major exception because it's so ubiquitous. but, i do almost all of my posting at blogs that are ad-free. facebook is just a necessary evil. for now. noise trade snuck the ads in on me while i was distracted, and it's time to get away and burn what was and forget it ever existed.
so, i don't know why the site evaporated, but i don't care - i don't want to interact with a site that is supported by invasive ads, anyways. it's a shame, but whatever. death to paste magazine!
i've spent the last few days trying to figure out how to react and have come to the following solutions.
1) the bandcamp site is sill there, but you can't read books on bandcamp the same way you can stream music. i wish you could - that would be the best answer. you can't, for now. so, i need to put the files up somewhere else, as well. http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
3) i want a way to buy the whole thing, and don't want the overlap on bandcamp, which will hold strictly to the monthly journal format. that's going to be here, at lulu, where there are no file size restrictions: https://www.lulu.com/search?contributor=jessica+murray
4) i'm going to use smashwords (which has strict file size and other restrictions) for free hosting of smaller files and make use of the interactive features, but i can't use it as a medium to facilitate donations, at least not until they relax their approach a little. i explain a little about this at the profile page. https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/deathtokoalas
5) the best way to donate me money is to avoid these kinds of sites, anyways. i like bandcamp for what it is and would encourage you to support it so we don't lose it; i don't want a future of spotifies and google plays, that would kill off independent music. a site like bandcamp must continue to exist. but, if you share my aversion to market economics and want to just be a benefactor then the best thing to do is just send a donation to death.to.koalas@gmail.com, either over paypal or (even better) or interac. this is how i *really* want this to work - you send me money as a grant, and i put the thing up for free.
i will need to spend the next day or two updating these sites as replacements for the deleted noise trade site, and replacing noise trade links with lulu or smashwords links, as is appropriate.
i don't know what happened, but fuck them and their ads anyways.
so, then, this is the official launch of my smashwords site.
expect me to work this out over the day.
=========
these files are actually my biography, ongoing....
i'm going to go with this site for small files, and let you build them up. for now.
what i'm doing with this site is using it as a place to host the files for free download. so, everything here is going to have to be available for free, which is something i want and can't really find elsewhere. i'm forced to deal with the reality of market transactions whether i like it or not, but i don't produce commodities, and don't want to be treated as though i do. what i need and want is a series of artists grants; i want benefactors to donate me funds to work in freedom, i don't want sales of commodities on a market that are treated legally and taxed like products. that's vulgar, to me.
so, the journals should be available for free, and this is where to get them.
however, realize that the decision is admittedly being spurred by the fact that i can't fill out the tax forms because i live in canada and don't have a tin number. maybe, one day, i might find one. note, though, that if i do find one then i'll also have to increase the price at this site to offset the fact that they're going to take 30% out for taxes - because they're going to treat the transaction like they're taxing a commodity that's being traded over a market, which is gross. most other sites operate on more of a donation format, or allow me to decide how to treat the taxes, in the end.
if you want to donate funds to me, please either donate over paypal or interac at death.to.koalas@gmail.com or go to one of the other sites (preferably bandcamp) to do so. you don't have to agree with me philosophically to understand that i just can't fill out the tax forms on this site and consequently won't get paid if you try to send me money through it.
please also be aware that the site is performing what appears to be minor formatting edits, and i actually don't like that. you will have to download the file in pdf, but they are forcing me to upload it in word. i have properly formatted pdf files, but i can't upload them. it's really absolutely perfectly ridiculous. so, if you want to download them unedited, please try either
1) the bandcamp site in the link for the small files (where they are organized as monthly journals): https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
so, i decided this morning (before i fell back asleep....i tend to sleep in 3-4 hour shifts in the summer, and that's fine...) that i'm going to:
(1) see if i can fix the files for the smashwords uploads. if i can't, i'll need to retreat. i don't want broken files available; that's the whole point of what i've been doing for months. but, i think it will be relatively easy, if it just reduces to reformatting the empty white spaces.
(2) remove the pay-what-you-can section from the site, primarily due to the tax issue. due to the various concerns, this does not appear to be a good site to carry out a transaction through. so, the small files will be available at smashwords for free. they were previously available at noise trade for free, so that's not a change.
(3) what is a change is that i'm going to ask you to either go to bandcamp or otherwise just send me money directly through paypal (or over interac) if you want to support me in what i'm doing.
this will allow me to salvage the site.
but, i can't fill out the tax forms, so don't give them money if you want it to actually get to me - it's just going to sit in limbo for who knows how long. go to a site that will actually carry out the transaction. or, just send it right to me.
i've slept on it.
and, i can't salvage the smashwords process, after all.
the idea is that i want an option for you to pay me if you want. you don't have to; it's voluntary. it's more important to me that the files are there than that you pay me for them. but, i want the option to be there....
with this site, there's just too many problems.
even if you were to pay me, i wouldn't get it, because i can't fill out the forms. i've been kind of rationalizing my way through that; i'll figure it out. but, in truth, i probably won't.
then, i've got to boost the price by 30% to offset the taxes that are preventing the funds from flowing in the first place.
then, i've got to deal with the fact that the file are broken, which i might or might not be able to fix, but that i've decided isn't worth trying to resolve.
so, what next? i know i've been over this, but i'm still trying to clarify it in my mind, and the fact that that fucking pig upstairs is smoking isn't helping.
my options are:
1) just leave the small files at the bandcamp music journals, which i've boosted in price mildly to $4/pop. that makes the big files available for free at google drive, and the small files available at bandcamp. 2) also upload the small files to...
no.
i'm going to try to fix it first, dammit. maybe it works. maybe it doesn't.
i'm wishy-washy on this because i really don't like either choice.
let me take a shower and hope the air clears out a little in here when i get back. it's been fucking gross in here all weekend.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
no.
the site (smashwords) is breaking the formatting. ugh.
again: why is this so hard? it's daft, truly.
no, get your head around this.
first, it insists that i upload a doc file instead of a pdf file, and then insists on converting it to pdf (you can't download it in word format). then, it breaks the pdf in conversion. but, i converted it to pdf for them.
so, i can upload a working format, which it won't let anybody download. and, i can give them a working conversion of the file format they want to use, which they won't let me upload. instead, they demand i upload a format they won't let anyone download, convert it badly and then only offer the broken conversion.
i don't want to ask people to pay for broken files (especially considering that i have to boost the price to pay the taxes), and if i'm going to put them up for free, you'd might as well just go to a drive share, where they're not broken.
so, is this middle point worthwhile to have available archived?
there's just one thing, and it's a hunch that they may be on to it. the file hasn't been published to my page, yet. are they actually reading through every single file? is that why there's a delay? if they are, they should catch the error.
should i give it a bit, then?
but, this is absurd. why not just let the user upload their own converted pdf file?
yeah, i'm just going to throw it all up to smashwords for free.
fine.
what i'm looking for right this minute is a site that allows pdf previewing. payhip is not that site.
however, it seems to have a 5 gb file maximum, meaning i can upload 4.7 gb isos.
i have these aleph-discs up that are basically torrents, but i've been forced to try to sell them as physical media due to their size, which i recognize that few people want. i've been waiting for a site that i can essentially upload an iso to. this might be it.
one thing at a time, but let's not forget that.
smashwords wants me to file a tax sheet and take 30% of any "royalties", like i'm some kind of corporation selling a product, rather than a peasant selling art on the digital street. i don't even have tax information to conduct commerce in the united states.
(it's not like i'm going to sell a lot of these things, anyways.)
so, it's looking more and more like it's not worth it.
let me see if i can find a better site, and let me think it through a bit more.
as i don't have a tin number and don't really want to get one, and i'd have to double the price in order to make it worthwhile (in order to pay taxes), i'd might as well just put it up for free, if i do this.
but, i'm leaning more towards just sending you to bandcamp for the monthly entries. the big files are available at the google drive site, so there's no access issues.
that's a shame. this is the kind of thing that shouldn't be taxed. we're talking about $5 transactions at most a few times a year, going to a disabled person.
so, when i started publishing chronological versions of these blogs at noise trade, i only had a few files to deal with, and i wasn't sure how this thing would turn out. it seemed like the best option at the time because it allowed for a free download with a suggested price; if the site had ads, i don't remember it...
i don't actually know what paste did to my account, but i kind of don't really care. the site has so many ads on it nowadays that i kind of don't want to direct any traffic there anymore, anyways. i mean, i've gone to such great lengths to keep ads off of my pages; why would i then direct people to a site with ads that somebody else profits from? i don't know if the site will come back or not, but if it does i'll delete it, and they can write that down in their ledger - it simply has too many ads to maintain artistic credibility.
further, i now have a series of large files instead of a couple of small ones, and the initial logic of periodic, sequential release periods has largely collapsed. i almost deleted half of the files the other day, and then decided not to. if i'm redoing this...
so, i'm going to be moving to a combination of lulu & smashwords instead, but i'm also going to be reevaluating how i'm presenting the information.
i initially decided that presenting the downloads in a monthly journal format, a trimesterly format and a series of other compilations would provide for maximum consumer choice. ok, i didn't say it like that, exactly - those are crude words, in truth. but, i made an attempt to present the downloads in as many ways as possible, so that people could decide what they wanted to download.
i'm no longer seeing the value in this. there's too many options, too much overlap, and a lot of it seems pointless, like i'm sticking to a formula for the sake of it.
i have monthly music journals up at bandcamp and have tried to avoid posting compilations there in order to avoid overlap, and also because there isn't a lot of conceptual meaning in posting a yearly or a semesterly music journal if i'm presenting the information by month. rather, it makes more sense to arrange the information by phases, of which there is currently only one, the first reconstruction phase. but, that won't come up to bandcamp until i get it up in the iso, which doesn't even have an aleph-number, and i'm still apprehensive about overlap, in the form of added costs to the full discography download (which nobody has bought yet, but will ultimately be the right way to donate funds to me, once the discography is truly done). so, i don't want to do it like that...
however, i'm going to avoid lulu for small files in order to minimize the clutter and instead use smashwords, but i'm going to be strategic about it when i do by trying to squeeze the files between the 15 mb upload limit and the $0.99 minimum price tag. that functionally means that the files are going to need to be more than 100 pages and probably less than 500 pages, although that will depend on the nature of the data in the file. so, instead of having strict monthly journals at smashwords, it's going to be a mix of monthly (music, politics) and semesterly (deathtokoalas), and for the travel blog will only have one entry in the end - for now. these files will also be fluid, rather than static, changing based on what actually makes sense.
if you want the monthly journal, go to bandcamp; if you want the full phase document, go to lulu. if for some reason you want something in between, go to smashwords.
and, after thinking that through and working that out all morning, its what i expect to do for the afternoon - as soon as i get something to eat, first.
this is going to probably take all day to switch over, as i'm going to need to update all of the links across four blogs and two facebook pages. but, i'm done with noise trade. so long.
i'm looking into different e-book hosting sites and everybody wants to convert the file.
i spent a lot of time formatting this. i don't want you to convert it, and i don't want to follow your rules - i just want you to host the file. i'm the creator, not you - i want to be in control. i don't want your convenience. i don't want your advice. i don't want your convention. i just want a server to upload the data to, and a transaction wall attached to it.
also, i want to avoid amazon, which looks like it's going to be hard. i don't see any use in smashing it up, but it would be nice if they could be prevented from buying anything else out. i don't want a baby-amazon, i want an independent service, like bandcamp.
strangely, these services seem to promote putting your book up on amazon as a benefit. what? no...i'd rather not have anything to do with the major labels...
i'm taking a closer look at paste magazine, and the site is clearly supported by intrusive ads. it wasn't like that when i signed up for noise trade, or at least it didn't seem like it was. i don't know what they've done, but i think i'd really rather find somewhere else. it's caught up to me by stealth, but it's actually the kind of site that i usually try to strenuously avoid.
what else is there?
i could upload directly to amazon, but i don't want to.
smashwords has a size limit, amongst other things. i don't mind uploading in doc format, but my files are too big for them, apparently - and they're only going to get bigger. they insist on converting to pdf themselves, and it's doing weird things to the formatting that i don't like. further, they're going to distribute it to the major sites, too. if i could find something that's very much like this, but more hands-off.... kobo wants to convert to epub explicitly, and while i don't mind if you try to convert to these weird formats for your own use (at your own risk), i don't use them myself and don't officially support them. i support .doc and .pdf. it's just going to create a broken output file...
scribd charges a monthly fee, which is a nonstarter.
lulu is...
maybe what i want.
hrmmn.
Thursday, June 4, 2020
my noise trade site has kind of evaporated, and i don't know what's going on with it. i've sent an email to the site requesting some further clarification as to why i can't log in and why the files are unavailable.
in the mean time, i've put the files up at a google drive share.
this is temporary, but i don't want the files to be unavailable while i figure out if i'm being censored, or if there's some kind of systems glitch.
i wasn't on noise trade very long before they got bought by paste, but i'm not a fan of paste, and don't particularly like the fact that they're hosting the files on amazon. so, it's not exactly my preferred hosting solution. the question is whether there's anything better out there or not.
i'm not going to whine and bitch and fight with the server mods, i'll just post somewhere else, and encourage people to follow me there. it's just that they haven't communicated with me in any way at all, so i don't actually know what's even going on.
for now, the files are here. enjoy.
and, buy something at bandcamp if you want to throw me some cash.
this is the end of this for a while, as i pivot back into period three.
but, here is the complete readable archive of this blog for the first reconstruction phase, from july, 2013 to january, 2014.
the second reconstruction phase ran from february 1, 2014 to the end of june, 2015, when i looped back around to remaster the inri material from source. while the politics and music journal sites are largely reconstructed over this period, i do not intend to get back to rebuilding the travel or dtk blogs in any systematic matter or doing music journal releases until (1) i am in a comfortable flow with the alter-reality and (2) i am finished with period three, which ran roughly from the time i got back from bc in 2003 to the time i moved into the apartment on bronson in 2007. journal releases for the foreseeable future are going to be dated from 1988 or 1989 forwards.
so, that's what's coming up.
but, i need to get through another 11 liner note releases, and update at least inri022, probably others. the coming re-releases are inri031-inri034, inri036-inri041 and inri045.
this is the last one of these for a while. when i started this project several years ago, i never expected it to take this long. i thought it would be something i could do to blow the time as i weaned myself off of a physical nicotine addiction. as it is, it's taken me longer to compile these journals than it did to write them. it's really been absolutely absurd.
i still need to finish the liner notes for the series of rereleases attached to this journal - inri031-inri034, inri036-inri04 & inri045. these will come up in due time. that will end the first reconstruction phase, which documents my move from ottawa to windsor and the initial series of re-releases that happened as soon as i got here. the first release of new recordings (of old material) was in june, 2014. after realizing how time consuming this is, it could be a while before i get back to the second phase.
i need to put this aside asap and get back to actually finishing the recordings. period 3 starts soon.
======
the seventh entry in the music journal series, which is the month of january, 2014 and is 189 pages long. i am not going to summarize the story, but it is available on the web over here: http://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2014/01/.
this is a compilation of written correspondences that occurred around me over january, 2014. it includes facebook posts, google+ posts, youtube comments discussions and emails with acquaintances, strangers and family members, in an attempt to document the first reconstruction phase of rebuilding my discography, including remastering and (re)publishing inri031, inri032, inri033, inri034, inri036, inri037, inri038, inri039, inri040, inri041 and inri045. the contents of this download are the dummy track, a word doc file and a pdf file, both written in a more readable, chronological ordering. i've also added the respective files for my other three blogs, for general interest, as well as 57 separate txt documents (all html files) that are referenced in the journal.
the events documented in this journal occurred in january, 2014 and were compiled into a narrative in several stages over the years 2014-2020. journal completed, released and finalized in doc and pdf format on june 1, 2020. doc201401.
credits
released February 1, 2014
j - editing, participant
nick austin - participant
jonathan jaeger - participant
uncle elvis - participant
arod13arod - participant
Nickelpitts - participant
DatzWhatsUp - participant
TheStory SoFar - participant
TrulyHorrifying Productions - participant
Erik Paulson - participant
kurtless guhle - participant
danny shuddup - participant
cklin114 - participant
Matt Gaub - participant
Memphis. Methods - participant
Evanya Parker - participant
Nowell Kishimoto - participant
George Porte - participant
Bearslikejaimie - participant
Adam Moscinski - participant
nana - participant
the oldest aunt's wife - participant
mom - participant
jeff - participant
sister - participant
stepmother - participant
the surviving uncle - participant
just to clarify/reiterate/remind what the problem is.
i'm creating these documents in word 2003 because i like the program, because i have a copy of it and because it works just fine. word processing isn't the kind of thing you should have to pay for over and over again. i don't remember where i got the version i have, but somebody paid for it, and that shouldn't expire.
but, i never got used to the office 2007 interface. i was supposed to eventually deal with it, i know; i didn't, and i don't want to now, and i'm never going to. but, they changed the format at the time from .doc to .docx.
this was a substantive change in the way that office files are created. i don't know how the old office files work, but the new office files are using an xml-based architecture that appears to be dramatically different.
unfortunately, converting from .doc to .docx is something that everybody has massive problems with. google, adobe, the free sites and microsoft, too. it breaks the formatting, every time. sadly, the standard way that doc is converted to pdf seems to implement the conversion to docx as an intermediary step. so, if i go to google docs, it will convert my doc file to a docx file first and then convert it to pdf after, which leaves me with a slew of broken formatting, essentially undoing everything i spent the last month doing.
but, i was able to find a workaround at the microsoft cloud that converted directly from doc to pdf. it's the only free site that has that option, that i'm aware of.
this broke on me this morning, and then righted itself, and then broke again, and then fixed itself again. but, i think i squeezed what i need out...
the issue could of course be resolved by fixing the conversion step. i'm labeling it as unnecessary and trying to just avoid it, but if they'd just fucking fix it, it wouldn't be a problem.
regardless, that's something that should be made clear - any .doc file that you download from me will lose it's formatting when converted to .docx format, so you should try to open it in a version of word that lets you open it natively, without having to convert it to xml.
ok.
i think i got it. i had to mess around with a few things, and i may have even just gotten it to avoid the conversion by accident. !.
it's going to be an extra slow process of double checking, so i might not have these finalized for a few more hours, but i think i got what i wanted downloaded and it's just a matter of time before i get these links up.
finally.
ugh.
microsoft has undone my trick. it won't convert directly from doc to pdf. and the other site i was using wants a credit card, now, because i'm browsing incognito (and can't turn it off).
i don't have access to a newer version of ms word and don't want to pay for it. on top of that, i just don't like the user interface in the new word.
we might have to just not have pdf files, anymore, if nobody is going to let me convert from doc to pdf.
but, why is this happening? i had a method worked out, and they broke it. twice...
again: i slept all day. and, i wish i knew why i'm so physically exhausted recently.
it's cold in here and it's cold outside, and i think that's a big part of it. i felt better last week when the humidity briefly peaked, and i feel better wrapped up in a hot blanket where i can sweat. so, that's really what i've been doing all day - trying to escape the cold by hiding in a hot blanket. it's going to warm up tomorrow, finally.
but, whether it's the weather or something else, i feel tense and frustrated and depressed and angry, and it's been constant now for weeks and i don't really understand it. i have a lot of work to do, but i'm not able to do it because i'm not able to mentally focus.
the best way to describe the situation is that i feel like i'm on drugs, but i'm not doing any drugs, so i don't....
let's just hope it gets better.
i'm going to try to wake up, take a shower, get my hydration up and get to finishing this up.
so, i've been sleepy since wednesday morning and have largely blown the last few days. i mean, i've been working at it, but i've only gotten a few hours done.
the temperature crashed by ten degrees celsius yesterday afternoon, which messed with me, and we're getting a cold and gross weekend. i'm not going to ask for the heat to come on, but it's cold in here, and it really sucks.
i've already used the stove a few times, and i'm going to have to take...i'm probably going to have to shower a few times to warm up. it's just the facts of it.
i've got one last section to cross-reference, and it could really, honestly be done by the morning, or by the afternoon.
it's so weird and unnatural - and unhealthy - to stop yourself from sweating. i don't understand why anybody would do such a weird thing to their environment and their body...
i guess it's a male thing, in the end, isn't it? men are taught to bottle everything up inside - their emotions, their feelings, and, i guess, their sweat, too.
but, they need to let it out.
they need to relearn to cry and stink at the same time, it would seem.
but, i don't want to turn off my glands - i want to sweat. and i will.
i was feeling better earlier in the week when the humidity first came in and warmed the place up, but i've been tired and having difficulty focusing over the last few days, as the machines upstairs have adjusted. i'm going to keep the windows open as the humidity falls, in order to short them out. if i'm stuck with cooler air one way or the other, i'd rather have fresh air from outside than dry air from the refrigerants.
it's different this year. last year, i was able to get outside quite a bit, so that when i did come in, i didn't notice the air as much. this year, i'm going to be inside for 98 out of 100 days and i'm going to need to find ways to acclimatize the surroundings. otherwise, i'm just going to sleep all summer as i hide from the air under hot blankets, and i don't want to do that.
for right now, i'm going to try to warm the place up by using the stove and then taking a hot shower. hopefully, i'll be more alert and focused when i get out of it.
i'm halfway done the final cross-reference, if measured chronologically. however, it's closer to being two thirds of the way done, if measured in terms of amount of content - more than that, really, because a lot of the posts left are very lengthy, and the remaining process is about running the 'compare' program in notepad++.
that took longer than i wanted to because the 90s laptop is soooo sloooow, but i downloaded all four of the blogs to usb, and will be able to cross-reference them properly tonight.
it is, counter-intuitively, exceedingly cold in here. what i've done is open the windows, but it's only half-effective because so much of the problem appears to be in the piping. it's some kind of italian cooling system, or something - it's based on the weeping tiles. i'm sure of that...
so, it's 40 degrees outside and i'm wearing a sweater :(.
i don't have screens on the windows, but if i'm stuck inside all summer then i'm going to need to find a way to get some. i can probably just get a roll of something at home hardware next time i'm out.
for now, what i've done is tape over the windows and then poke holes in them. my first attempt wasn't enough, so i poked a whole bunch more in them. it's a balancing act - i want enough holes to let the hot air in, while still keeping the bugs out. i'm hoping the tape helps.
that should be stable for the next week or so. i won't be out again until the weather cools down a little.
for now, i'm overdue on a shower, but i'm starving, so i'm going to eat first.
there is a distinct possibility that there may be some uploads before sunrise. we'll see.
i'll need to cross-reference everything, but it looks like the politics archive is coming in around 230 pages, while the music document is coming in around 175. deathtokoalas is coming in around 90 pages. and, the travel blog is very short, as will be the norm.
let's hope i can get this published in the next 24 hours.
is there a connection between the rise of neo-liberalism (and the marketization and productification of everything) and a reality where undercover police officers legally smoke drugs in the house that they're supposed to be on a stakeout in, thereby pissing off the largely straight-edge yet supposedly dangerous radical that they're supposed to be spying on - and that knows they're being spied on because they can fucking smell the dirty, fucking pig smoking up?
i'm sorry if you don't see it, actually.
i did feel better this morning for having screamed, but i still had to sleep it off.
i'm going to finish that meal i started, take a hot shower and finish this up once and for all tonight.
i'm not joking - that yelling really took a lot out of me.
but, the air seems to have cleared out.
i really, really don't want to have to deal with this again, so let's hope this post doesn't jinx it. but, i'm feeling 1000x better than i have in ages, and i want to get back to this now.
i've had an absolutely terrible night, full of yelling and screaming at the disgusting pig upstairs. i just kind of snapped. i guess the pot tripped my cortisol levels and pushed me into an anxiety attack.....
i simply don't want to be dealing with migraines all of the time, and i know that the second-hand smoke is what's causing them. on top of that, i was trying to do laundry. what could be more frustrating and disgusting than dealing with unwanted second-hand smoke in your own home, when you're doing laundry? the point of laundry is to get rid of the stink, after all.
she seems to have stopped, but who knows for how long.
so, i'm going to stop to eat, and get back to finishing up the journal afterwards, after that detour through the playlist, which is something i'd been wanting to do for a while but kept putting off.
modern relationships are what they are. that's fine.
they're not for me.
i'd rather keep to myself.
maybe i'm very emotionally and sexually immature, but i simply could not deal with being cheated on. it tore me up inside, over and over again; i simply wasn't able to deal with it.
i never tried to tell her what to do. remotely. i made no attempt to interfere with her decision making, and fully respected her bodily autonomy.
but, i had to get up and walk out because it was just ripping me apart, and the fact that my decision was final was very much centered in the fact that i never wanted to feel like that ever again.
listen...
i dumped sarah in late 2004 and moved out unilaterally in very early 2005. she was cheating on me and refused to stop; she wanted an open relationship, and i said 'no' and i walked out on her.
she couldn't pay the rent, and ended up homeless. so, she ended up at my apartment, and i told her 'no'.
but, we maintained a friendship of varying distance from 2004 to about 2010 or so that involved going for coffee from time to time, and meeting up for walks. and, yes - we were still having sex for quite a while after.
around 2010 or so, she decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore. i never really got a straight answer, and i've gone through various hypotheses, but as far as i can tell, she rejected me because she decided i was gay. and, after almost ten years of a friendship that was very important to me (she's the only person i've ever had sex with), i reacted very badly to that. i valued her friendship very strongly, and hoped to maintain it forever.
but, i've never had any interest in rekindling any sort of romantic relationship with her, at all, and any suggestions otherwise are just flat out wrong - something that i think she actually understands. if anything, she seems to be mad at me because i don't want to get back together with her. but, the decision i made in late 2004 was permanent, and i've held to it as closely as i can. she's had two children, since then - something that i've tried to be emotionally supportive of, but that i ultimately can't and won't accept in any official capacity. she asked me to be her first child's godparent, and i turned it down.
at this point, it's been so long that trying to rebuild some kind of a friendship seems pointless. that's something that makes me sad, certainly - that was perhaps the only friendship that i've ever had that i very much wanted to maintain.
but, the fact is that i dumped her a long time ago, and i've made no attempt at all to win her back since.
i hope that point is as clear as it can be - and it can't be very clear from a distance, i get that.
so, we're done up until the 25th, and it's time to stop to eat.
after i finish eating, i will have one more segment to complete before i can start posting this and moving on to the next thing, which is filing a complaint against the divisional court judge in federal court, and just generally checking up on the court stuff.
after that, i will need to work through the various liner notes for all of those records that i released or re-released over january, 2014. and, then, i can finally pivot to period three.
i don't want to live in an artificial desert and drink gallons of water to offset it. there's no reason for it; it's stupid. and, i'm going to end up gaining weight.
i was almost feeling normal yesterday for a bit, before the heater turned back on.
i'm not depressed. i'm just dehydrated. the chemical i'm not getting enough of is water. and, i've done enough of an experiment to convince myself of it.
we could still get some downpours, but the scary system coming in seems to have broken up just south of the border and looked something more like this when it get here:
i succeeded in getting the humidity in here up on saturday to a point where i felt healthy, but what i had to do in order to do it was pretty insane - i had to run the shower nonstop for hours, while continually washing my face. i'd have to essentially sit in a sauna for six hours a day. i can't do that on a daily basis.
the forecast was a tease last week, but it looks like we should finally get some more humid weather soon, and i can only hope it clicks into place for a nice, long humid summer so i don't have to constantly run the shower to offset the desiccation...
but, i mean, if i'm inside all summer, and the air kicks in, that's the reality of what's going to happen. i'm not going to sit in here and shiver in dry, cold air, with shit all over my face. the shower is going to be running nonstop so i can clean myself...
for now, i'm going to finish a few things up this morning before i get back to running the hot water for a few hours to try and undo the heaters, and hope it works.
Sunday, May 17, 2020
but, it might just be the weather, still.
let me give it some more time. but, i'm sick of this. i want some kind of answer, so i can wake up.
your body is just a computer; there's no magic, no mystery, no woo, nothing out there to try to grasp on to.
if it's malfunctioning, it's missing some chemical, and can be fixed by taking some drug. fine.
but, you need to prove to me what's wrong, first. i'm not interested in just randomly guessing. i don't want to experiment around my consciousness.
i want to be pragmatic about this: do the test, tell me the answer and give me the fix.
i mean, i don't know what happened.
why did my body chemistry change, all of a sudden?
but, i'm more interested in fixing it and moving on than i am in sitting around, complaining about it.
just test me for whatever i'm in deficit of and prescribe me the answer.
i don't want to talk about it or wallow in it. i don't have time for that....
i'm slowly making some progress, but i'm struggling to stay awake today...
i'm still hoping it's mostly the weather, but let me be clear about this: if it turns out i'm depressed, i really have no sympathy for myself. i don't have any patience for this.
and, just to clarify the point regarding what it is that i'm ingesting, and how it might affect my alertness.
- i don't drink at home, and never have. as promised, i haven't touched that 26er of vodka since i left on mar 12th, and don't expect to touch it again until i get to another show. i have no interest, whatsoever, in drinking by myself.
- it was april 13th when i finished the quarter of marijuana i bought about a week earlier. i will generally smoke at home at most twice a year, meaning i might buy some more in july. i have no interest, whatsoever, in being stoned right now.
- my coffee intake has increased, but it appears to be diminishing returns.
- i bummed a few smokes when i was last out on may 5th. it was like two or three, all day. before that, i bummed a few smokes when i was last out on april 15th. i may bum a few more when i go out to get my pills next week. i have no intention of buying a pack of smokes any time soon.
- i'm taking 8 mg of estrogen, 5 mg of medroxyprogesterone and 100 mg of cyproterone acetate, daily. i would not expect these drugs to make me tired, and they never have in the past.
maybe i'm misunderstanding the concept of depression...
i always thought that depression was a mental outlook, essentially a decision to adopt a negative mindframe. now, understand that i reject the negative v positive dichotomy; i label myself a realist, and don't have a lot of patience for positivity. a proper dialectic erects realism as a synthesis, and that's how i've always thought, even if i haven't always been able to articulate it that way. i want to measure the amount of water in the glass, and present an objectively true statement about it - i don't care about your opinion of how much water is in the glass, and will tell you to fuck off for trying to push it down on me.
but, i've always understood depression as the physical consequence of making a decision to be negative. i've generally rejected that as inconsequential, by rejecting the idea that the subjectivity of existence is important.
but, what if depression instead arises from hormonal conditions that you can't control, and the condition is a consequence of being tired all of the time?
what i'm trying to get across is that i am, uncharacteristically, actually feeling pretty bummed out right now, but the causality is reversed - i'm depressed because i'm tired and unproductive, not the other way around.
i don't want to be depressed and unproductive, i want to be alert and focused. the root cause is that i'm so fucking tired. so, how do i eliminate the physical tiredness? that will make me more alert & more productive, and therefore less depressed about being tired.
i've wondered repeatedly if i'm being drugged, somehow. did they put me on anti-depressants against my will? i wonder if i'm reacting to something they prescribed me, without telling me. all i can do is point out that i feel like i'm being drugged, and that, if i am, it's the cause of the problem.
i've never felt like this in years past, i've always been an unflappable person. i've usually been an insomniac, not somebody that's unable to stay awake. so, something has clearly changed in my body chemistry, and i wish i understood what it was so that i could reverse it and go back to being alert, awake and productive, rather than tired and sluggish and depressed all of the time.
if i'm the victim of some kind of experiment, please stop. it's making things infinitely worse...
i just want coffee and free time. that's all i need to be happy. really.
how much does cocaine even cost, anyways? i don't actually even know.
i'm only half joking...
i keep arguing that i'm not depressed, and i don't feel that i'm depressed on an intellectual level. i'm not sad, i don't hate my life, i don't want drugs to numb the pain, etc. but, if the argument is that depression is something physical, maybe i'm deluding myself.
is it possible to be a relatively happy person with a positive outlook on life, but be crippled by the physicality of depression?
i want to drink a gallon of coffee, but it's not working. it's just giving me acid reflux.
i dunno.
maybe i should start smoking again. it seems like my productivity has completely collapsed, since i quit.
*sigh*.
how do i wake up?
it seems persistent - every time i sit down to try to get some work down, i end up so tired that i can't even move, and unable to do anything besides sleep.
there's a large rain storm moving through here. i am well aware of the reality that i'm hypersensitive to the weather.
this is the third weekend in a row that i wanted to be productive, but that it seems like is going to be wasted. but, i don't think i'll be able to do anything but sleep it off, and hope things get better mid-week.
i still need to file a formal complaint against this judge in federal court. hopefully, the situation will clarify itself over the next few days. but, that's the first thing i'll need to do, once i get this rebuild finished with.
for now, it looks like i'm going to sleep. and sleep. and sleep....
and i hate it :(.
i never want to sleep ever again.
Saturday, May 16, 2020
the hourly forecast looks less scary than the news reports, but i don't expect to leave the house until after the storm lifts, so we'll have to see how bad it gets from inside. they're calling for 50-100 mm in the region, but it looks like i'm going to be on the lower end of that, and it looks like it's going to take a long time to pass through. so, let's hope it's not that bad.
yesterday was unfocused. but, i think i'm ready to be super productive tonight. i want this done by monday...
Friday, May 15, 2020
so, i got a first pass finished this morning, but it's so dry in here that i'm literally bleeding. i'm hoping the temperature outside has stabilized from that freak cold snap, so that i can begin the process of bringing the humidity levels inside up to something more normal. and, i think i'm feeling better already, but let's hope it's not fleeting.
so, i guess i blew the whole week, but let's hope that things renormalize themselves a bit better from here on in.
i'm going to stop to do some cleaning and just generally run the hot water for the next several hours.
i still need to rebuild the appspot portion of the site into the blogger front-end, because all of the files that i built up at the beginning of the month seem to have strangely disappeared. there's also going to be a cross-referencing phase.
but, the bulk of it is done, and i would expect to be able to publish it by monday.
i think there's a cop upstairs, but the property owner is technically not home and hasn't been for months. so, let's hope we can avoid the air conditioner for most of the year...
i'm definitely not entirely done yet, but i'm over a hump in rebuilding it in the blog, anyways.
another day or two. i made progress tonight, at least....
Thursday, May 14, 2020
dark green snot, huh?
is that good or bad, in context?
i'm just tired, really. and, i'm honestly not particularly concerned about this; i shouldn't have much of a problem with it. i just want to be sure i'm not taking it too lightly.
i do want to beat this thing on my own; i won't accept a vaccine for a weak virus. so, if i finally picked it up last week, that's a good thing. i just want to be sure i'm being fully evidence-based.
i was only coughing for a few hours last week, and i'm sure i was reacting to pollution. i have had no vascular issues since.
i don't have any other symptoms; i'm just extraordinarily tired, and my head feels like it's going to explode, and has since the start of the month.
it feels more like an environmentally-induced migraine than a virus. but, if i start coughing again, i'll call somebody. promise.
i'm really hoping this lifts with the cold front.
and, i just slept all morning, again.
i don't feel better. my head still hurts. but, i'm going to try to wake up.
i'm really, really hoping that these short days and blurry realities are over after today.
i smelled something burning last night that...it smelled like chinese food, actually. egg rolls. is there a drug that smells like egg rolls? or did somebody just get chinese?
whatever it was, it gave me a headache, and i just can't stay awake. this sucks....
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
i'm very slowly moving through that introduction to quantum physics lecture series (which is really a course in applied linear algebra, as i learned it in first year), and it keeps reminding me of this old demo i did with sean - which was the one & only rabit is wolf track that i did not remaster, remix or otherwise play with. it's the one and only track i was actually happy with...
i've tended to resist commenting on sean's vocals, because i think i'm sort of out of line doing so. there really was a total division of labour; he may have asked for an extra bar or two to work out a lyrical idea here and there, but he really had absolutely no musical training whatsoever, and i really had no interest in interfering with his expression. but, i keep thinking about this...
the way this track worked was that sean came in with a vocal idea for a song he wanted to call "released with your sigh", and i built the song up after he left, sending him a demo over...i can't remember if it was icq or msn. but, he came back about a week later and did the vocals for it in one take, and that was really the extent of it.
after listening to it, though, i insisted on naming the track "psi" - as the howl at the end was essentially a wavefunction collapse. in fact, i initially stylized it with the greek letter itself, ψ, but that didn't survive in a pre-mathml browser reality; what i just did to get that psi was very simple, but would have actually been very frustrating back in 2002. so, i just started calling it psi and it stuck....
he asked a few times, and i just told him it was a greek letter. i'd known him since we were kids, and was aware that his scientific literacy was very low. i think he tended to think i was naming it after something jungian, perhaps from a tool influence. but, it was more of a bowie-esque play on words.
so, this tune keeps coming up in my head, when i'm eating.
i'm working through this slowly because......the concepts are not new to me, but i have never taken a formal course in quantum physics like this before, and some of these concepts are things i've barely looked at in 20 years. the math is...it's weird. it really is. i think the weirdness has more to do with the geometry being wrong, but i will have more to say in due course. for now, i'm making sure i'm going over it well enough to really properly grasp it.
i would expect that future lecture series will be a little faster.
i was just about to get started and had to nap again...
i can't handle these shifts in pressure. i know that. and, this one was intense, and bizarre. the dry air in here isn't helping, but i'm going to blame everything on the polar vortex as the root cause - which means i have to go through it lifting, now. hopefully, it's not as bad as it was coming in...
if i can get through the next 12 hours or so, hopefully things start to normalize themselves tomorrow.
let's try to get most of this done overnight.
while i did get a little bit done yesterday, i actually got sort of distracted by the location entry, and the need to go back and ensure everything was properly lined up. it was also a fairly short day, in the end - barely 15 hours. and, i got a fair amount of sleep this morning. i guess i was tired....
let's hope i can get through a good chunk of this this afternoon. i'm feeling good about it.
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
yesterday was not productive, but i do think i'm feeling better.
let's try this again.
Monday, May 11, 2020
i'm actually glad i saved this, as it really is it's own thing.
it's no longer an official release, though, so it's going to mostly get passed over. well, i guess i'll have to update the notes for inrijected.
the only drug i take habitually or want to take habitually is caffeine.
so, i seem to have finally gotten some sleep, at least. that was more than i usually get at one time, including an unheard of unbroken six hours.
i don't understand what's going on with me, right now....
i wanted to be productive this weekend, but the fucking pig upstairs was smoking all weekend, which just made me unfocused and unproductive. i was neither able to work, nor to sleep - i just found myself staring at the wall.
the migraine never triggered fully, but it's still there, ready to kick back in.
and, i still don't know if i actually got the virus or i'm just suffering through the second-hand smoke.
what next, then? i wanted to get done most of the rebuild over the weekend, and then do some court stuff early this week. i only got through six days of january, 2014.
i'm going to push through for another day or two, but i may have to stop mid-week.
i moved here to avoid this. it's very frustrating and very depressing :(.
i'm in the category of people that would find constant inebriation to be a cause of depression, rather than a solution to it, and i don't have any ambiguity or confusion around the point - i am fully cognizant of the fact that i don't like it, and don't want to be around it on a habitual basis. i don't need to experiment. i know...
Sunday, May 10, 2020
this is kind of brutal.
i'm neither asleep nor awake.
i can't figure out if i'm sick or reacting badly to air pollution.
and i want to get this done, but keep sputtering out; i keep getting overwhelmingly tired, but merely for minutes, until i'm back at it, without actually sleeping. ugh.
let's try this again.
so, that was more sleeping....
i don't feel sick. but, i'm still extremely dehydrated.
i think it's lingering effects of the migraine, and i think the root cause is the dry air.
at least the smoke seems to be gone for the night. hopefully.
still no shower. but, i'm going to try to get some work done and go from there.
Saturday, May 9, 2020
i can smell & taste.
i'm not, otherwise, sore.
no gastric issues.
really, i'm just dehydrated....
i just slept some more....
do i think i finally picked this thing up?
well, i get tired when i have migraines, so it's not clear which is the culprit. some other signs...
- i don't have a thermometer i can use for a fever, but i am feeling a little warm. i've checked the thermometer i bought last year, though, and guess what? it's actually unusually warm in here.
- i started coughing last night and it's lingering, but i was reacting to second hand smoke (since passed, apparently) and it feels like a smokers' cough.
- the headache is getting better, but it is also triggered by dry air and smoke.
there's a very weird cold snap going through here right now that should lift in a day or two.
in the meantime, i didn't get that shower yet and am looking forward to it.
i dunno. i know i feel dehydrated...
i stopped to eat some fruit, and i had to pause halfway through the broader meal, but i'm feeling a lot better.
the air has cleared out in here, thankfully.
so, i'm going to get some spaghetti in me, take a shower and hopefully get back to it before sunset...
i have never been diagnosed with clinical depression, and i've never claimed i suffer from it, ever.
i do not self-medicate.
i'm not even depressed.
i'm just frustrated that i can't focus.
i don't write folk music or hip-hop or techno. i make very technical, complicated progressive rock.
that means that i need to be able to think clearly - to work out time signatures, to do math on the fly.
being stoned just doesn't work for me.
i'm sorry - i'm not that person, i never was and i never will be. i don't want to be.
i do not smoke drugs or drink alcohol when i'm creative. ever.
it makes me stupid and unproductive.
what i want right now, and will want for the near future, is total sobriety so i can work on my art.
i can't work when i'm stoned.
ok?
the legal pot in this province is terrible. it's not worth buying.
i have no intention on being inebriated for months, and i'm going to get fucking livid if i'm forced to get stoned against my will.
it's absolutely revolting and disgusting in every conceivable way.
i should not be forced to deal with this.
why do i have to say this every fucking time?
why don't you just get this worthless, piece of shit out of here?
again -
can you get this disgusting pig upstairs out of here, please? there's a respiratory virus going around, i don't want to be breathing in second-hand smoke.
it tends to be ok in here until i go for groceries, at which point the fucking idiots seem to think that observing me bum a cigarette at the grocery store means i must not care if they smoke in the house, which is wrong in every way.
as has been the case now for nearly five years, i do not smoke habitually. the fact that i might bum a smoke when i'm out does not mean it's ok to smoke in the house. and, while this is not hypocrisy, it wouldn't matter if it is - what matters is that i've signed a non-smoking lease, and i expect it to be upheld.
so, if you're going to put a fucking pig upstairs to do what, i don't know, can you get one that doesn't smoke, please?
thank you.
yeah, here comes the migraine....
i'm going to have to go in the other room and sit over the sink and let the humidity come back up.
i may have avoided the migraine by sleeping it off.
it doesn't usually work like that, though.
so, i feel like i'm on borrowed time this morning. but, let's try this anyways...
it's the dry air and the smoke....and, here it comes again....
ugh.
the pollution in here is triggering another migraine.
fuck.
Friday, May 8, 2020
why do i have to do this every time i leave the house?
dear pig upstairs,
yes, i am a non-smoker, still.
please stop smoking near the house. it's making me sick.
thanks,
jessica
where was i?
i got a brutal migraine early on monday morning, right as i was finishing the master document, and had to put aside grocery shopping until tuesday. it took me until wednesday morning before i was finally in for good, showered and ready to....sleep. a lot...
yesterday never really got started, and i ended up crashing before the sun came down, for a good 12 hours or so. i've just been exhausted - both mentally and physically.
it's now friday afternoon, and i've decided that i'm going to get started on the rebuild, with the intent of finishing it up over the weekend, before moving on. a number of other things have popped up, but i want to get this done first before i pivot.
so, let's hope the weekend is productive.
Monday, May 4, 2020
this has been a recurrent problem for years now, and it's a normal side effect of the worst type of migraines. the technical term is called "migraine with aura", because you get tracers, like you're on psychedelics. but, i could even deal with that if it wasn't for the blurred vision and, worse, the aphasia. it's the aphasia that is frightening and frustrating...
i have very, very low cholesterol. and, while my migraines tend to be hemiplegic, i don't think i'm having a stroke. it's just what is perhaps the absolute worst type of migraine.
what was it like trying to type this morning? i could think relatively well, but i had a very hard time typing the actual words, and if you look at the writing you can see that the words are replaced with other words. compare the original version with the correct one to see some of the concepts that got distorted and how they got distorted.
i'm not going to pretend that i fully understand this, but it is absolutely bizarre, and it hits you like a vicious attack that you just have to shake off.
i was considering doing some things today, but i think i may have to recover, instead. this headache was not the worst i've had (i could at least talk. i've had some where i try to say specific words and say unrelated things. so, i'll try to say 'dog' and instead say 'hyena', or something - and i can't get the right idea out), but it was pretty vicious nonetheless and it might last two or three days.
i've talked to some doctors, and they tell me they're just really bad headaches. there's no answer...
so, i ended up with a brutal headache in here a little before 3:00, and it could be a while before i'm finished with it. i may have a hard time shaking it off for a little while. it's the dry air in here, and if i'm stuck inside all summer, i could end up fighting with it for months.
the guy upstairs thinks he gets migraines because of the humidity, which is maybe the most scientifically illiterate thing i've ever heard. but, i've noticed this before - as soon as he gets in, he turns the dehumidifer on, which gives me a headache, too. so, we both end up with headaches because he won't turn the fucking dehumidifier off.
like, i can't even think. it's like i have a vice squeezing my brain; it's a tension headache, and just vicious. i can't see, i can barely talk, it's just brutal. what he should be doing is the opposite - he should be turning the dry air off, and turning on the humidifier instead. we need more humidity, not less! i can't stand the dry air, it gives me a headache and just makes me horribly sick.
ok.
i can't type....clearly.....
i'll be back in a bit.
the problem is the lack of humidity.
but, i'm done the master document.
===============
so, i cleaned that segment up, now, and i'm still hurting, but i seem to be much better.
i feel awful, but i'm not sick from the virus - it's the dry air. i haven't been outside at all since april 16th.
is it the vitamin d? no. it's the dry air...
my immediate concern is that i need to eat this morning.
but, i am done the master document. really. it's roughly 250 pages, and mostly music stuff....
just let me shake this off a bit more.
ok.
so, i ended up with a brutal headache end here a little before 3:00, and i could be a while before i finish with it. i may have a hard time shaking it off for a little while. up stairs the try air end here, and i if i end up here stuck in here all find, here it's care until an empty little winter.
the guy upstairs thinks he gets migraines because of the humidity, which is maybe the most scientifically illiterate thing i've heard. but, i've notice this before - as soon as he gets up, he turn the dehumidifer end, on which gives me a headache, too. so, we both end up with headaches because he wouldn't dd the fucking dehumidifier off.
like, i couldn't even think he's sorry here. what he should be doing is the opposite - he should be turning the dry air off, and doing on the humidifier instead. i can't stand the dry air, it gives me a headache and up makes up send.
ok.
i end can't type....clearly.....
i'll be back in a bit.
the probably is the humidity.
but, i'm done the master document.
i got distracted this morning by some censorship on facebook.
it was back in late february or early march that facebook decided to put a "cover" over this album art, which i found to be an unacceptable restriction of speech:
their argument was that they'd decided this had "graphic or violent content" and people should decide whether they wanted to look at it.
but, how can people make a choice to decide if they want to see something if they haven't seen it? it's incoherent, circular logic. you have to see something before you decide you don't like it. so, this decision is not being made by individual people, but rather by facebook.
the value of this picture, as art, is that it is disturbing.
what is it even of? this crocodillian ate some human, and is being cut open to identify the body. that's a fact of life, as human predation is a real concern in much of the world where humans co-exist with this species. facebook's decision to cover up the picture is equivalent to a denial of reality, which they're then using to censor the art - which is the feeling of discomfort that you get from looking at this, as a reminder that your humanity is rooted in the fact that you are an animal.
do i think you have the right to avoid that? no...
you might disagree with it, but you cannot be allowed to tell me to cover up.
so, i got into a posting war with facebook over it, and they seem to have conceded the point, but only on my main profile. as i went through the music profile, i realized i'd have to repost several posts that made use of the picture, which meant i'd have to scroll through hundreds of posts....
i then forced myself to sleep this afternoon, which took a few tries - which is a good sign. when i am healthy, i have difficulty sleeping. i thrive on insomnia; bring it on.
i need to finish up what i was doing this morning, before i put the completed master document aside to do dishes and get something to eat.
Sunday, May 3, 2020
i'm not starving myself.
it's just conservation of energy - if i expend less energy, i'll need to consume less, too.
and, i'm healthy enough that my body can tell me that, and i can hear it, and i'm able to listen.
and, why don't i go out and do something?
i like concerts, but that's really the only thing that has ever succeeded in getting me out of the house.
even in the best of times, i've never been an outside person - i've always preferred staying inside with technology, enough that i should watch the vitamin d, myself.
i will get some fresh air when i need to get groceries.
but, i'd rather sit in the dark and listen to gothic music than go outside and play in the sun - that's been true my whole life.
the sun is coming up, and i just finished consolidating everything for the master document from the laptop's drive.
there is one further step, and it requires making sure everything already posted to the internet is already in the document - facebook, partial rebuilds, etc.
i'm going to stop to eat, and i'm overdue. as i haven't been expending much energy, i haven't been eating much. so, i've gone from being a few days ahead of schedule last month to being three days behind schedule, this month.
that's ok; if i end up a week or more behind, i'll just scratch it off.
i mentioned once before that it is highly likely that i will eat a lot less than normal if i'm stuck inside for the next several months.
alright, so the html files are done.
next, i need to add facebook posts and whatnot.
this might be done by sunrise.
Saturday, May 2, 2020
so, i slept on how to get these live links into the master document....
i only have 36 html files, all dated to the last days of the month. each file has a handful of links in it...
so, rather than throw everything back into flux by installing to the 90s laptop, it makes more sense to just edit the html files in notepad and then copy them over.
hopefully, these problems with my access terminal will be resolved within a few weeks. it really relies on being able to get a workable reimaging process in place.
once i get the links in these files hardcoded, and the files copied into the master document, i'll be done processing all of the files on my external drive for the month of 01/14. there will still be a few things left, but that will be the crux of it, and i can get to the rebuild.
i'm going to have to get some groceries, eventually.
let's get a nap in first.
saving it locally didn't work, and it shouldn't have.
i'm going to have to get 2003 up on the 90s laptop...this is so annoying...
so, now i'm running up against what i knew would end up being a major annoyance, and i don't know how i'm going to deal with.
i need to find a way to copy data from the internet into a word document that i can read via word 2003. and, yes - i need to be able to do it via word 2003, because every other version of word is absolutely horrible. but, more specifically, the xml formatting is unworkable. it will break the document - i need to find ways to get around it. i cannot upgrade. i cannot convert. i have to get the data into 2003.
i can't use google docs, and i can't use microsoft's cloud - they both insist on the xml architecture. i can't install word 2003 on this chromebook, either.
the major annoyance is this chrome os, which is useless for doing anything other than browsing the internet, or very lightweight cloud purposes. and, that's fine - it's all it was intended to do in the first place. i'm just in a limbo until i can fix my laptop properly by building a winlited image for it that i can reinstall on demand when the cops hack into it.
i could perhaps try to save things over html and copy them over with a usb key, but i don't actually think that's going to give me the formatting i want.
what i might have to do is install word on the 90s laptop (which is running xp) and then copy over the formatting into the doc file, and then move it back.
why don't any of the clouds offer 2003 support? i don't know. but, they don't...so i'm stuck....
yeah. these are really my only two options.
it has to do with the way i coded the website. if i launch the files locally, and copy them into the master document, the links will be local. if i want the links to actually go out to the appspot site, i need to copy them directly over from the live site.
i'm making some progress here on this master document finally.
i'm starting to come to terms with the reality that i'm going to spend this summer inside by myself, and i'm ok with it.
i'm behind on everything, and i'm not getting younger, so let's hope i get a lot of work done - let's hope that the beginning of this month is a major pivot into taking a good chunk out of finishing up period 3 (2003-2007).
Thursday, April 30, 2020
i'm making some progress on the master document for 01/14, but i've been distracted by reviews and other things - including updating the linked lists on the left side (your left.) of this blog.
so, there's now a more detailed and easily accessible categorization of the various releases at your fingertips. it was previously just a long list of catalog numbers; now, there's an enumeration of official records, symphonic works, lps, alephs, etc.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
so, i've been slow to get started today, after struggling with awakeness. i don't know. i haven't been smelling any drugs....
i might have just needed to catch up on some rest.
i uploaded an (i think.) unreleased midi remix of stuck in the middle of an alley closing in on all sides as the dummy track for the next journal, yesterday morning:
hopefully, i can get some work done today before nodding off.
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
so, these were the re-releases from jan, 2014 that i'm working on, now:
1) the liquify single, newly split off from inrimake (see entry 3). this is now inri031. this is dated to the summer of 1999. it was remastered in 2017. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/liquify-ep
3) the newly expanded and finalized inrimake, without the liquify single (entry 1), which is download only. this is a covers & remixes collection, entirely unauthorized. it's now inri032. this is dated to late 1999, but some of the material was from 1998. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inrimake-covers-lp-2
4) my third official record, inridiculous, was uploaded without modification, except to strip out the last track into the book it! single (entry 2). this is now inri033. i did not even remaster this record. this is dated to late 1999, but some of the material was from as far back as 1996. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inridiculous
5) the inricycled b compilation was initially released in parallel to inricycled a as a way to salvage material from the 1997-1999 period that i thought was otherwise unworkable. when i realized in 2015 that i could actually remaster this material from tape, this compilation was deleted from my discography by appending it to the inrijected collection, inri022. i suppose the compilation dates to jan, 2014, even if the material is raided from 1996-1999. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/inricycled-b
6) the let freedom ring single, newly created from a discarded remix of a track on deny everything (see entry 11) that included martin luther king and doonesbury samples. this is now inri036. this is dated to late 1999 and early 2000. it was updated in 2017. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/let-freedom-ring-ep
7) the first ever release of the full curious george suite in it's original form, which was thought lost until it was found later in the year. this is dated to the spring of 2000. it is now inri037. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-curious-george-suite-ep
8) the ignorance is bliss single, with a comprehensive exploration of remixes of the track over the period of 2000-2014. the track was first written in 2000, but the lead track at this time was recreated from source in early 2014. it was updated with a final lead mix in 2017. this is inri038. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ignorance-is-bliss-ep-single
9) my fourth symphony, released in final standalone form as the acidosis ep, for the first time. this recording was created in the summer of 2000 and has not been modified since. this is inri039. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/acidosis-ep
10) i also had to split off a separate curious george single, as the sample version did not exist until late 2000 and neither makes sense in the context of the suite, nor in the context of the record (now without any samples). this is a comprehensive collection of remixes created after 2000. this is inri040. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/curious-george-single
11) my fourth official record, deny everything, was initially created near the end of 2000 out of material created since late 1999. this record was re-released several times between 2000 and 2014; this is the final version, void of all vocal samples, except the star trek sample in gravity's rainbow. this is inri041. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/deny-everything-lp
12) my truncated experimental guitar experiment, an ep called j's adventures in guitarland, was one of the first things i uploaded to bandcamp back in 2010. it was re-released without further modification at this time. these are renaissance guitar pieces that i recorded in 2001. this is inri045. https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/js-adventures-in-guitarland-ep
Wednesday, April 8, 2020
this is a review of the weeping icon / control top show at deluxx fluxx on mar 12, 2020.
this was a night that was neither supposed to be late nor expensive, but the sudden collapse in the canadian dollar, combined with the closure of the tunnel overnight for maintenance work, meant that going to the show would be more expensive than previously budgeted for, and that there was no option but to overnight in the diner, as the tunnel bus would be out of service from 20:00 on the night of the 12th until 7:00 on the morning of the 13th. once i realized this on thursday morning, i strongly considered skipping the show, but in the end reasoned that the shows at the end of the month would likely end up canceled, anyways, so i'd might as well overpay on one last night out for a long while. so, i caught the last bus of the night over to detroit, which was the 19:00 bus.
all anybody outside wanted to talk about was the virus, and the looming assumption that there were imminent closures coming, indeed that things were being canceled and closing down in real time. people found themselves in the situation where they were just looking for something that was open.
my interest in the show was initially in the second band, control top, but i made sure to get there on time in order to see weeping icon, as well. i strongly considered catching weeping icon the last time they were here, in november:
so, the weather made actually going to this somewhat of a non-starter. i would have had to have dragged myself, and an unknown punk band wasn't going to do it... it's an interesting proof of concept, but i wish they did more with the electronics than they are. it just kind of comes off as something to distract people while they're tuning or changing busted strings... purely as a punk act, it's fun enough, if relatively generic. i actually bet it was fun. but, my impression is that they should be doing more than this, and i hope they do. https://weepingicon.bandcamp.com/album/weeping-icon
my memory of listening to this record back in november was that i interpreted them as a kind of art-rock band that was under-utilizing it's resources, and seemed to think they had a stand-up bassist for some reason. experiencing them live did uphold my perception of the electronics being used as a tuning distraction, as that is literally what they were used for, but it also clarified the band's intended presentation as very much being that of a punk rock band. it's perhaps worth noting that the band also slimmed down to a bass-guitar-drums three-piece, in noting the minimized importance of the noise and the increased importance of the band's presentation as a punk band.
this is a concept record, and they did play songs from it, but they didn't try to present it conceptually, so my comment that the record is an interesting proof of concept that requires greater elaboration is perhaps not reflective of their future plans - i might expect more straight-up punk rock from them, in the future.
and, as noted, they are in fact intriguing enough purely as a punk band. the guitarist can take up quite a bit of space on her own. it'll be interesting to see what she does with it.
so, i think i caught this band in a state of flux, and less want to make a point of a detailed analysis, and more want to point out what appears to be changing.
control top were an act that i first encountered at the end of the year, via reading through some best of the year lists.
the record is a little generic at points, but this is one of two or three types of music where i don't spend much time worrying about that - it just needs to actually be good and this does that. they could turn the vocals down a hair. my ideologically rigorous, enlightenment-era approach to anarchism sort of clashes with her post-nihilist anti-intellectualism, but whatever; that's academic, mostly. that means that i won't grade this too high, but it also means i'd enjoy seeing it more than most of the stuff in the list. https://controltop.bandcamp.com/album/covert-contracts
after a few listens, what i found to be enduring about this act is that they actually have punk lyrics in addition to their classic punk sound, which is rare in music of this sort in the current epoch; generally, acts in the punk spectrum with punk ideologies will avoid a catchy and pop-friendly type of sound or image nowadays, while the classic punk rock sound, itself, has largely been appropriated by pop culture and tarnished with bubblegum-pop type pseudo-artistry. perhaps pop culture's recent retreat from rock-era forms has reopened a space for the classic punk sound to be reunited with punk rock ideology. i would welcome that, as i don't tend to get much musical enjoyment from, or have much fun listening to, these hyper-aggressive spins on the style. i miss a more tactile and fun approach to punk culture....
live, the band presented the recorded material without a lot of variation, the high part of the show perhaps being when the singer descended on the floor and directly confronted a number of the male audience members on their hierarchical enforcement of covert contracts by yelling in their faces about it. i hope she wasn't infected, at the time. i was spared this wrath; i received a soft touch on my shoulder, instead.
teener were again booked to play this show, either first or last, and dropped out on the day of.
i didn't really plan the rest of this out very closely; i decided i'd find somewhere open, and kind of wing it. one idea was to just stay at the venue, but it chased everybody out and shut down early under rumours that it might be shutting down for a while - and, indeed, there was a facebook post not long after, indicating the venue would be closing indefinitely.
i had loosely planned to end up at tv lounge until 2:00ish, but they were closed when i got there, also indefinitely. before leaving the venue, i had heard rumours about things being open in corktown, so i took a walk around the corner to ufo and parked out there for the night.
as the concert that was scheduled at ufo was canceled by the band that booked it, the place was mostly empty by the time i got there around 23:00; pretty much the only people that were there were actually staff from other bars that had shut down early for the night and needed to have a drink and chill out and vent.
the people that i'm talking about are reliant on income coming into their respective bars - dishwashers, bartenders. they were rightly absolutely freaking out about what they were going to do if everything got canceled, and simply didn't want to listen to me rationalize with them, they just wanted to vent. so, i backed off a little and listened, and they made their concerns clear, even if they weren't always well-grounded in science, and i had to bite my tongue about it. writing in mid-april, i don't know what steps the government of michigan has taken to help them, but i hope they figured something out.
after however many beers at ufo, i eventually ended up back at the diner, and got something different, a blt, because my usd was running out when i got there. i nodded off for a bit after 5:00, but was out on time to catch the early bus back, make it home before the cold snap hit (again) and make some nachos before getting some rest in.
