Friday, August 23, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
decreasing the enumeration of birds being counted by one.
ESA
I was kicked out of my band today. Not even able to play at folk fest. Theyre replacing me. This is horrible.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think we had a discussion about this happening once before. i know it's probably horrible and surreal and gut-wrenching, but the reality is that you're the most interesting member of the band, the two of them together don't really have many interesting songs of their own and they're making a big mistake that's probably going to ruin both of them in the end. that's probably not much consolation, you probably don't actually want that, but maybe you're actually, in reality, better off without them. how do you feel about them playing your songs? did you talk about that?
ESA
I have no idea what my performance rights are. Theyre not allowed to play songs that i wrote or in part wrote. So theyre screwed. They have like four songs?
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't mean to be rude, and i don't know how this is going to affect your friendship with them, but al strikes me as a completely generic hipster songwriter that you can find a dozen of in every city, and as seems completely out of place in a folk band (she seems like she belongs more in an orchestra). you strike me as more punk than folk, but i guess the difference has blurred in the last ten years and i'm out of touch. you'll keep writing songs and will find musicians to jam with. as may get the gig she wants. al will likely end up doing something else with her life.
have you talked to them about the songs, though? i mean, might they try and steal them and/or continue to perform them, do you think?
ESA
Well no, we already split the royalties for most songs. I dont think theyll be sketchy about it. And i completely agree. They dont really get me. And always sort of want me to conform to this bourgy way they live. I know i have serious problems and this week i "fucked up" a lot, but they dont understand that this has to do with thursday's incident and the underlying fucked up trauma ive been through. They know about this in great detail, but yet it seems like they dont believe me and that i am sabotaging myself and the band on purpose.
Also they wrote me a letter in which they gave me seven non- negotiable conditions for re-entering the band. that i will have appropriate stage decorum, that i wont show my pain in front of an audience (whateverthefuckthatmeans), to be diplomatic to fellow artists (obviously referring to the rape apologists) and to never drink again.
Most of these things do not affect the band and are just parts of my personality that they dont lieke and want to be rid of. I dont drink on stage, and my drinking is my fucking problem. Also they refuse to believe that i may be suffering from PTSD and am triggered by seeing certain rape apologists at bars when i was recently assaulted again. They basically just think im an embarassment. Which has been decided basically after what i did on Saturday.
As soon as a female victim gets pissed, she becomes "hysterical," but i didnt get any sympathy from any of those fucking rape apologist douche bags when they saw him threaten my life in front of them. I never got an apology for seriously being in danger for a year or so because of them
Jessica Amber Murray
i know this is a difficult means of communicating, but i just want to say that i don't think you're getting any friendship support from this group of people and it's probably better for your sake to get out of that circle and warn people to stay out of it. i also want to say that this circumstance is reminding me a lot of syd barrett. we should do a cover of shine on you crazy diamond and hack the speaker system with it during their folk festival performance....
they suck. fuck them.
ESA
Yeah. my bandmates have had my back. But only up until a certain point.
Ottawa is so dead to me.
But hooray. I feel better and not suicidal anymore. The only thing I want, though is to play at folk fest.
Seriously cant wait to move. I hope i can figure out how. My mom decided to cut me out today.
Shes legit ignoring me.
So my original road trip with my mom wont work
Jessica Amber Murray
i went through something similar three or four years ago where i lost or rejected essentially everybody i knew. i don't want to say it was easy; it was one of the most difficult phases i've gone through. but, looking back that quote seems so remarkably relevant: ""Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self- esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes". i was totally just surrounded by assholes. you sound like you're also surrounded by assholes. your...mom...out? is that just mad for now or for reals shit? i can't...i've been through massive problems with both my parents, and it was never for reals... i came down with my mom :P. i wish i had a suggestion.
personally? i've been happier since i just lost contact altogether with all of those people. there's a person or two i miss, but as a whole i'm far more stable now. sometimes maybe it's the right way forwards...
ESA
I dunno if its for real with my mom. Shes never done that. But then again, neither did my brother
Jessica Amber Murray
if you really wanna play folkfest, you should get in contact with the director and see if (a) there are any spots open or (b) they'd be willing to give you the spot instead of them. honestly? if i was the director, and they tossed you from the band, i'd give you a solo spot instead of them!
ESA
Well i think theyd probably cancel.
I cant believe they already removed me as an admin for the faceboook page.
Looks like the conditions werent so conditional.
More like just a six point list of shit they dont like about me.
I was kicked out of my band today. Not even able to play at folk fest. Theyre replacing me. This is horrible.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think we had a discussion about this happening once before. i know it's probably horrible and surreal and gut-wrenching, but the reality is that you're the most interesting member of the band, the two of them together don't really have many interesting songs of their own and they're making a big mistake that's probably going to ruin both of them in the end. that's probably not much consolation, you probably don't actually want that, but maybe you're actually, in reality, better off without them. how do you feel about them playing your songs? did you talk about that?
ESA
I have no idea what my performance rights are. Theyre not allowed to play songs that i wrote or in part wrote. So theyre screwed. They have like four songs?
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't mean to be rude, and i don't know how this is going to affect your friendship with them, but al strikes me as a completely generic hipster songwriter that you can find a dozen of in every city, and as seems completely out of place in a folk band (she seems like she belongs more in an orchestra). you strike me as more punk than folk, but i guess the difference has blurred in the last ten years and i'm out of touch. you'll keep writing songs and will find musicians to jam with. as may get the gig she wants. al will likely end up doing something else with her life.
have you talked to them about the songs, though? i mean, might they try and steal them and/or continue to perform them, do you think?
ESA
Well no, we already split the royalties for most songs. I dont think theyll be sketchy about it. And i completely agree. They dont really get me. And always sort of want me to conform to this bourgy way they live. I know i have serious problems and this week i "fucked up" a lot, but they dont understand that this has to do with thursday's incident and the underlying fucked up trauma ive been through. They know about this in great detail, but yet it seems like they dont believe me and that i am sabotaging myself and the band on purpose.
Also they wrote me a letter in which they gave me seven non- negotiable conditions for re-entering the band. that i will have appropriate stage decorum, that i wont show my pain in front of an audience (whateverthefuckthatmeans), to be diplomatic to fellow artists (obviously referring to the rape apologists) and to never drink again.
Most of these things do not affect the band and are just parts of my personality that they dont lieke and want to be rid of. I dont drink on stage, and my drinking is my fucking problem. Also they refuse to believe that i may be suffering from PTSD and am triggered by seeing certain rape apologists at bars when i was recently assaulted again. They basically just think im an embarassment. Which has been decided basically after what i did on Saturday.
As soon as a female victim gets pissed, she becomes "hysterical," but i didnt get any sympathy from any of those fucking rape apologist douche bags when they saw him threaten my life in front of them. I never got an apology for seriously being in danger for a year or so because of them
Jessica Amber Murray
i know this is a difficult means of communicating, but i just want to say that i don't think you're getting any friendship support from this group of people and it's probably better for your sake to get out of that circle and warn people to stay out of it. i also want to say that this circumstance is reminding me a lot of syd barrett. we should do a cover of shine on you crazy diamond and hack the speaker system with it during their folk festival performance....
they suck. fuck them.
ESA
Yeah. my bandmates have had my back. But only up until a certain point.
Ottawa is so dead to me.
But hooray. I feel better and not suicidal anymore. The only thing I want, though is to play at folk fest.
Seriously cant wait to move. I hope i can figure out how. My mom decided to cut me out today.
Shes legit ignoring me.
So my original road trip with my mom wont work
Jessica Amber Murray
i went through something similar three or four years ago where i lost or rejected essentially everybody i knew. i don't want to say it was easy; it was one of the most difficult phases i've gone through. but, looking back that quote seems so remarkably relevant: ""Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self- esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes". i was totally just surrounded by assholes. you sound like you're also surrounded by assholes. your...mom...out? is that just mad for now or for reals shit? i can't...i've been through massive problems with both my parents, and it was never for reals... i came down with my mom :P. i wish i had a suggestion.
personally? i've been happier since i just lost contact altogether with all of those people. there's a person or two i miss, but as a whole i'm far more stable now. sometimes maybe it's the right way forwards...
ESA
I dunno if its for real with my mom. Shes never done that. But then again, neither did my brother
Jessica Amber Murray
if you really wanna play folkfest, you should get in contact with the director and see if (a) there are any spots open or (b) they'd be willing to give you the spot instead of them. honestly? if i was the director, and they tossed you from the band, i'd give you a solo spot instead of them!
ESA
Well i think theyd probably cancel.
I cant believe they already removed me as an admin for the faceboook page.
Looks like the conditions werent so conditional.
More like just a six point list of shit they dont like about me.
mom
Got it all faxed and mailed the originals to you as well. Don threw $20 bucks in to cover cost of his phone...And when he gives me the $100(from the truck) refund and hopefully the selfish part he took for himself...We can figure out a way to get that balance to you(not through mail though)....Hope it comes through the mail quickly!...
Hope they give you your moving allowance!
Jessica Amber Murray
i do, too. thanks :)
Got it all faxed and mailed the originals to you as well. Don threw $20 bucks in to cover cost of his phone...And when he gives me the $100(from the truck) refund and hopefully the selfish part he took for himself...We can figure out a way to get that balance to you(not through mail though)....Hope it comes through the mail quickly!...
Hope they give you your moving allowance!
Jessica Amber Murray
i do, too. thanks :)
i should probably just laugh. well, i *am* laughing.
i needed a shelf for the top of my closet. it's a simple thing to do, in theory: measure the length and the width of the rectangular area, go down to the store, get a piece cut, bring it back: done. 15 cubic feet of new storage space, just like that. right?
well, i get the thing inside the closet and it won't fit. da fuck? measured the plate: fine. try one more time...still no good. da fuck?
ok, it won't fit squarely with the back. yet, i just measured it. da fuck? this is confusing. as a mathematician, i understand very well that the width and length of a rectangle are const....
shit. measuring tape confirmed it: not a rectangle. slanted at the back. to the store, i return....
dude laughs at me. rectangle? shoddy finishing? fuck. who do you think put it together, da vinci? every closet in the fucking world is crooked. no, this is your fault, precious: you should have measured all four sides.
ok. fine. i'll plead ignorance.
get it home. won't fit. shit, don't tell me..
yup.
dimensions of closet, clockwise:
27.5 - 30 - 26.5 - 31
yeah, well? fuck you too, plato.
i needed a shelf for the top of my closet. it's a simple thing to do, in theory: measure the length and the width of the rectangular area, go down to the store, get a piece cut, bring it back: done. 15 cubic feet of new storage space, just like that. right?
well, i get the thing inside the closet and it won't fit. da fuck? measured the plate: fine. try one more time...still no good. da fuck?
ok, it won't fit squarely with the back. yet, i just measured it. da fuck? this is confusing. as a mathematician, i understand very well that the width and length of a rectangle are const....
shit. measuring tape confirmed it: not a rectangle. slanted at the back. to the store, i return....
dude laughs at me. rectangle? shoddy finishing? fuck. who do you think put it together, da vinci? every closet in the fucking world is crooked. no, this is your fault, precious: you should have measured all four sides.
ok. fine. i'll plead ignorance.
get it home. won't fit. shit, don't tell me..
yup.
dimensions of closet, clockwise:
27.5 - 30 - 26.5 - 31
yeah, well? fuck you too, plato.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Jessica Amber Murray
she's not going to be in the department after all, she's moving to england with a super bourgy boyfriend. those pictures don't do her justice; that was one very attractive lady. i've just been setting things up, it's been one project after another, and i still have a lot of things to do. i guess i haven't been smoking much. or drinking at all.
ESA
Sweet. Im excited for that too. Quitting smoking and drinking.
Jessica Amber Murray
that being said, i just realized i have two storage spaces and i'm going to put some chairs and a table in one of them and turn it into a smoking room. i can run an extra speaker set from the receiver out, and throw a bottle of febreeze in there - as long as the window stays open, i think it should be ok as a porch alternative. i think it used to be an entrance down into the place. it's sort of weird and hard to explain.
ESA
Haha cool.
Cant wait to see it.
she's not going to be in the department after all, she's moving to england with a super bourgy boyfriend. those pictures don't do her justice; that was one very attractive lady. i've just been setting things up, it's been one project after another, and i still have a lot of things to do. i guess i haven't been smoking much. or drinking at all.
ESA
Sweet. Im excited for that too. Quitting smoking and drinking.
Jessica Amber Murray
that being said, i just realized i have two storage spaces and i'm going to put some chairs and a table in one of them and turn it into a smoking room. i can run an extra speaker set from the receiver out, and throw a bottle of febreeze in there - as long as the window stays open, i think it should be ok as a porch alternative. i think it used to be an entrance down into the place. it's sort of weird and hard to explain.
ESA
Haha cool.
Cant wait to see it.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm about to buy a dresser from a prof in the music department. i'll make to sure to tell exaggerated stories about you :P http://msjeffreys.weebly.com/
ESA
No!!! Tell her only nice things
Are you enjoying windsor so far? What have you been up to?
i'm about to buy a dresser from a prof in the music department. i'll make to sure to tell exaggerated stories about you :P http://msjeffreys.weebly.com/
ESA
No!!! Tell her only nice things
Are you enjoying windsor so far? What have you been up to?
Re: Reply to your "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji
From: "UWindsor"
To: "Jessica Murray" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Sure! Sounds great!
The address is ***************.
Ms Jeffreys, B.A., B.Ed.
Music Instructor
msjeffreys.weebly.com
To: "Jessica Murray" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Sure! Sounds great!
The address is ***************.
Ms Jeffreys, B.A., B.Ed.
Music Instructor
msjeffreys.weebly.com
Re: Reply to your "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: UWindsor
oh, ok. lol. the map sent me way out to the east end of town, somewhere about 5 blocks east of the bus.
i'm actually within walking distance, although i'll probably have to take two or three trips on account of the drawers. could i come by a little after 7:00 to see it with the near certainty of taking it?
jessica
To: UWindsor
oh, ok. lol. the map sent me way out to the east end of town, somewhere about 5 blocks east of the bus.
i'm actually within walking distance, although i'll probably have to take two or three trips on account of the drawers. could i come by a little after 7:00 to see it with the near certainty of taking it?
jessica
Re: Reply to your "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji
From: "UWindsor"
To: "Jessica Murray" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I'm available after 7 today. Also, I am right by a bus stop. I am located on Argyle and Wyandotte.
Sincerely,
Ms. Jeffries
To: "Jessica Murray" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I'm available after 7 today. Also, I am right by a bus stop. I am located on Argyle and Wyandotte.
Sincerely,
Ms. Jeffries
Re: it's very important that you're absolutely sure there's nothing left there
From: grandmother’s email address
To: "Jessica Murray" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I checked every where with a fine toothed comb,I vacuumed all around ,in the closets & behind the bookcases,there is nothing that you left behind.I did know you took my fan & wondered why you hadn’t asked for it.Are you all settled in now?Hope all is going well..bye bye.
To: "Jessica Murray" <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I checked every where with a fine toothed comb,I vacuumed all around ,in the closets & behind the bookcases,there is nothing that you left behind.I did know you took my fan & wondered why you hadn’t asked for it.Are you all settled in now?Hope all is going well..bye bye.
Re: Reply to your "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: "Ms. Jeffreys' Music"
ok.
next question: it seems like you're a bit of a ways from the nearest bus stop. would it be possible to either get the dresser to the nearest bus stop or (better yet) all the way to where i am, which is just east of downtown?
jessica
To: "Ms. Jeffreys' Music"
ok.
next question: it seems like you're a bit of a ways from the nearest bus stop. would it be possible to either get the dresser to the nearest bus stop or (better yet) all the way to where i am, which is just east of downtown?
jessica
Re: Reply to your "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji
From: "Ms. Jeffreys' Music"
To: <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Hi Jessica!
It is just under 49" across.
To: <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
Hi Jessica!
It is just under 49" across.
You have replied to "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji
From: Kijiji Canada <donotreply@kijiji.ca>
To: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
Hello! You have sent the following email to "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji:
hi.
i'm just wondering if you could measure how wide the dresser is? it looks about right, but i need it to be less than 50 inches across.
To: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
Hello! You have sent the following email to "Dresser" Ad on Kijiji:
hi.
i'm just wondering if you could measure how wide the dresser is? it looks about right, but i need it to be less than 50 inches across.
dresser shopping is proving irritating. on the one hand, i don't want to
put the money down at walmart. on the other hand, i don't want to pay
$200 for $20 worth of wood at a pawn shop. i'd be ok with paying $50 for
$20 worth of wood, at the very most, and am hoping kijiji bails me out,
eventually.
it's sort of ironic. i bet there are antique dealers shaking their head at these kijiji ads, saying "don't they know that's worth ten times as much?". if i was the dealer, i'd be out there buying the stuff up and marking it up on the floor, but then i'd be a special kind of asshole, wouldn't i? meanwhile, i'm walking through the antique shops shaking my head, saying "that ought to be worth a tenth of the price it's listed for, i bet i could get it cheaper on kijiji.".
so, what is the correct value of the thing?
if we're talking labour theory of value here, i can understand the cost as applied to a new dresser, but from my perception an old dresser is really legitimately just a chunk of worthless wood and these antique dealers are really running an unethical business...
it's sort of ironic. i bet there are antique dealers shaking their head at these kijiji ads, saying "don't they know that's worth ten times as much?". if i was the dealer, i'd be out there buying the stuff up and marking it up on the floor, but then i'd be a special kind of asshole, wouldn't i? meanwhile, i'm walking through the antique shops shaking my head, saying "that ought to be worth a tenth of the price it's listed for, i bet i could get it cheaper on kijiji.".
so, what is the correct value of the thing?
if we're talking labour theory of value here, i can understand the cost as applied to a new dresser, but from my perception an old dresser is really legitimately just a chunk of worthless wood and these antique dealers are really running an unethical business...
Monday, August 19, 2013
on happiness
Jessica Amber Murray
i spent a while this afternoon thinking about happiness and what i could possibly tell a young lady that struggles with depression about it's nature. on the less profound side of the scale, our lady peace released a mostly terrible record in the late 90s called "happiness is not a fish that you can catch". the bad corporate emo that the record contains aside, it's sort of a powerful statement that contains a lot of truth within it. on the more profound side of the scale, there's a component of marxist theory that explores the idea of happiness being a sort of illusion. this is one of the reasons i'm not a marxist, fwiw. but it's sort of accepted that the lives of workers are always going to be miserable and that the solution is to deny workers of the vocabulary and conceptual machinery necessary to understand the difference between happiness and misery so that they can continue on in a role of necessary monotony without ever understanding that something better may exist. basically, if the dichotomy between misery and happiness is simply denied then nobody can ever be miserable! marx' butchered concept of dialectics in equally butchered action. scary shit, yes. but, i think it gets closer to the more correct point, which is that happiness doesn't have an objective quantity, and that it's as possible to find happiness in slavery as it is to find misery in freedom. maybe the point of emancipation is merely recognizing that the whole discussion is more or less trivial and the entire idea of happiness is just an imaginary bourgeois fantasy. i guess how the individual reacts from that point of understanding is something that belongs to it. of course, that's easier stated than accomplished.
ESA
Yes i agree. I dont want or need to be happy, because i dont think that exists, i just want a little space from Ottawa so I feel i can think straight without reoccuring and terrible things happening. Im sick of feeling panicky because i live in a city full of triggers. I might as well try to live somewhere else. Its my last option. I am quite content with my decision to move, and i have been wanting to do so for a while. At least five years...
I find it very difficult to respond via facebook on my phone.
I got accepted to u of windsor tho. :)
Jessica Amber Murray
congrats on the acceptance :)
i spent a while this afternoon thinking about happiness and what i could possibly tell a young lady that struggles with depression about it's nature. on the less profound side of the scale, our lady peace released a mostly terrible record in the late 90s called "happiness is not a fish that you can catch". the bad corporate emo that the record contains aside, it's sort of a powerful statement that contains a lot of truth within it. on the more profound side of the scale, there's a component of marxist theory that explores the idea of happiness being a sort of illusion. this is one of the reasons i'm not a marxist, fwiw. but it's sort of accepted that the lives of workers are always going to be miserable and that the solution is to deny workers of the vocabulary and conceptual machinery necessary to understand the difference between happiness and misery so that they can continue on in a role of necessary monotony without ever understanding that something better may exist. basically, if the dichotomy between misery and happiness is simply denied then nobody can ever be miserable! marx' butchered concept of dialectics in equally butchered action. scary shit, yes. but, i think it gets closer to the more correct point, which is that happiness doesn't have an objective quantity, and that it's as possible to find happiness in slavery as it is to find misery in freedom. maybe the point of emancipation is merely recognizing that the whole discussion is more or less trivial and the entire idea of happiness is just an imaginary bourgeois fantasy. i guess how the individual reacts from that point of understanding is something that belongs to it. of course, that's easier stated than accomplished.
ESA
Yes i agree. I dont want or need to be happy, because i dont think that exists, i just want a little space from Ottawa so I feel i can think straight without reoccuring and terrible things happening. Im sick of feeling panicky because i live in a city full of triggers. I might as well try to live somewhere else. Its my last option. I am quite content with my decision to move, and i have been wanting to do so for a while. At least five years...
I find it very difficult to respond via facebook on my phone.
I got accepted to u of windsor tho. :)
Jessica Amber Murray
congrats on the acceptance :)
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