ESA
I was kicked out of my band today. Not even able to play at folk fest. Theyre replacing me. This is horrible.
Jessica Amber Murray
i
think we had a discussion about this happening once before. i know it's
probably horrible and surreal and gut-wrenching, but the reality is
that you're the most interesting member of the band, the two of them
together don't really have many interesting songs of their own and
they're making a big mistake that's probably going to ruin both of them
in the end. that's probably not much consolation, you probably don't
actually want that, but maybe you're actually, in reality, better off
without them. how do you feel about them playing your songs? did you
talk about that?
ESA
I have no idea what
my performance rights are. Theyre not allowed to play songs that i wrote
or in part wrote. So theyre screwed. They have like four songs?
Jessica Amber Murray
i
don't mean to be rude, and i don't know how this is going to affect
your friendship with them, but al strikes me as a completely generic
hipster songwriter that you can find a dozen of in every city, and as
seems completely out of place in a folk band (she seems like she belongs
more in an orchestra). you strike me as more punk than folk, but i
guess the difference has blurred in the last ten years and i'm out of
touch. you'll keep writing songs and will find musicians to jam with. as
may get the gig she wants. al will likely end up doing something else
with her life.
have you talked to them about the songs,
though? i mean, might they try and steal them and/or continue to
perform them, do you think?
ESA
Well no,
we already split the royalties for most songs. I dont think theyll be
sketchy about it. And i completely agree. They dont really get me. And
always sort of want me to conform to this bourgy way they live. I know i
have serious problems and this week i "fucked up" a lot, but they dont
understand that this has to do with thursday's incident and the
underlying fucked up trauma ive been through. They know about this in
great detail, but yet it seems like they dont believe me and that i am
sabotaging myself and the band on purpose.
Also they
wrote me a letter in which they gave me seven non- negotiable conditions
for re-entering the band. that i will have appropriate stage decorum,
that i wont show my pain in front of an audience
(whateverthefuckthatmeans), to be diplomatic to fellow artists
(obviously referring to the rape apologists) and to never drink again.
Most
of these things do not affect the band and are just parts of my
personality that they dont lieke and want to be rid of. I dont drink on
stage, and my drinking is my fucking problem. Also they refuse to
believe that i may be suffering from PTSD and am triggered by seeing
certain rape apologists at bars when i was recently assaulted again.
They basically just think im an embarassment. Which has been decided
basically after what i did on Saturday.
As soon as a
female victim gets pissed, she becomes "hysterical," but i didnt get any
sympathy from any of those fucking rape apologist douche bags when they
saw him threaten my life in front of them. I never got an apology for seriously being in danger for a year or so because of them
Jessica Amber Murray
i
know this is a difficult means of communicating, but i just want to say
that i don't think you're getting any friendship support from this
group of people and it's probably better for your sake to get out of
that circle and warn people to stay out of it. i also want to say that
this circumstance is reminding me a lot of syd barrett. we should do a
cover of shine on you crazy diamond and hack the speaker system with it
during their folk festival performance....
they suck. fuck them.
ESA
Yeah. my bandmates have had my back. But only up until a certain point.
Ottawa is so dead to me.
But hooray. I feel better and not suicidal anymore. The only thing I want, though is to play at folk fest.
Seriously cant wait to move. I hope i can figure out how. My mom decided to cut me out today.
Shes legit ignoring me.
So my original road trip with my mom wont work
Jessica Amber Murray
i
went through something similar three or four years ago where i lost or
rejected essentially everybody i knew. i don't want to say it was easy;
it was one of the most difficult phases i've gone through. but, looking
back that quote seems so remarkably relevant: ""Before you diagnose
yourself with depression or low self- esteem, first make sure that you
are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes". i was totally just
surrounded by assholes. you sound like you're also surrounded by
assholes. your...mom...out? is that just mad for now or for reals shit? i
can't...i've been through massive problems with both my parents, and it
was never for reals... i came down with my mom :P. i wish i had a
suggestion.
personally? i've been happier since i just
lost contact altogether with all of those people. there's a person or
two i miss, but as a whole i'm far more stable now. sometimes maybe it's
the right way forwards...
ESA
I dunno if its for real with my mom. Shes never done that. But then again, neither did my brother
Jessica Amber Murray
if
you really wanna play folkfest, you should get in contact with the
director and see if (a) there are any spots open or (b) they'd be
willing to give you the spot instead of them. honestly? if i was the
director, and they tossed you from the band, i'd give you a solo spot
instead of them!
ESA
Well i think theyd probably cancel.
I cant believe they already removed me as an admin for the faceboook page.
Looks like the conditions werent so conditional.
More like just a six point list of shit they dont like about me.
