ESA
I think im having a full on meltdown.
Ive
completely lost it. Ive been hiding in lenin’s room for two days. He
hasnt been here. Its just because im scared to go to my house. I went to
the hospital again two nights ago
Because i was completely panicking. And then i attacked two people in a full on rage. Two rape apologists, but still.
It took like 6 peoppe to pin me down. I was like the hulk. I am soooo confused.
And i dont remember who the second person was, but i remember shoving craptata, so it might have been him
Jessica Amber Murray
why
are you afraid to go to your houseÉ has the initial event been
confirmed as a meth overdoseÉ again, that sounds like meth psychosis,
although i don`t want to discount underlying conditions and being
rationally pissed off about upsetting things. i gotta restart, keyboard
went french, brb.
ESA
I am still so distraught.
Bahhh
and i am mortified because i freaked out in front of.everyone and
basically confirmed to them that im a violent person. Even though that
was the first time.
I was feeling a lot better for
about two months, and now in worse than ever and dont even want to come
to windsor. But staying in ottawa seems so.much worse. God, i hope
nobody presses charges
Jessica Amber Murray
i
don't have any suggestions about dealing with the after-the-fact
complications of ending up with too much meth in your system, other than
that there isn't really anything you can do about it or any way to know
how long it's going to last for. i can't give you an uncharacteristic
hug, either. i can suggest to not do hard drugs for a while? first
things first, you probably need to find a way to make an escape from
your ad-hoc barricade, there. when is lenin coming back?
ESA
I have no dignity left.
Hes here but is leaving for work in about an hour.
Jessica Amber Murray
i
have to be honest that it's sort of seemed a little bit impulsive for
you to move to windsor from the start. i had some very good reasons to
move somewhere where the cost of living is cheaper. i'm on a fixed
income, probably permanently, and ottawa isn't getting cheaper. you?
you're at a better school in ottawa, you have family there....so there's
a few assholes that don't like you. there's going to be assholes that
don't like you anywhere you go. i've made a conscious decision to not
judge or criticize your decision on this because i realize it's
something that's reversible for you. you can always go home. maybe you
really just need some space away, which is what you've been saying. we
all need a little space, sometimes. but i think that if you're looking
at it as a way to restart....(1) windsor is still within capitalism and
still has the shitty people that capitalism produces and (2) a certain
subset of things are going to follow you everywhere you go. ...and
nobody can take your dignity unless you give it to them :P
ESA
Thanks
for your brilliant fucking advice. I want to move because im sick of
ottawa, and im sick of being abused and assaulted and freaking out all
the time. I need a change somehow i think youre right. That no matter
what i do, or where i go, there will be abusive assholes and i will be
in an excruciating amount of pain. Thanks for.confirming what i already
knew.
I am going offline now.
Jessica Amber Murray
you're
welcome :). forever in debt... hey, i gotta go fax some stuff back to
ottawa and go look for a dresser. i think you should go home and shower,
or at least get some fresh air, and prepare for at least a few more
days of feeling really unstable.
ESA
Ugh
yeah sorry. Moving to windsor is because i need a break and a little
perspective. Ive been here forever. Sorry for lashing out
Monday, August 19, 2013
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
her money, her risk.
Jessica Amber Murray
i had a direct fax to my worker, but i lost it. the general fax line for the ottawa odsp office is ***********.
mom
K...I will write that down on a piece of paper and fax off uhaul and gas receipts to her. I am wondering though about the gas receipts?...I am not sure they will honor those...Thinking, that perhaps they won't. But the other I think they will.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't think i'm going to get anything at all from them, to be honest. but i have to try.
mom
Yes..for sure worth a try!
Jessica Amber Murray
i'll probably have to try twice, as it's a city thing, and if ottawa rejects the claims, windsor might accept them.
mom
I will fax them to her and then mail them to you.
So...You can try on your end.
J.. I have a weird feeling that my father is not doing so well.
I just sent his wife an email asking how they are doing?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, call and find out. he has to be in his 70s, now. i guess that even if he is doing ok he's not going to be around forever sort of thing.
mom
He is 76 actually...Turned that in june.
No...I am actually wrong about that!...He is 5 years older than Nana...She turned 75 on her last birthday, a few days ago!..He is 80!
Jessica Amber Murray
wow.
mom
Yes..Nana turned 75 in august
I am going to be 55 in sept.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm terrible with birthdays. that's the day before i left. well, i guess that's a good birthday present, hahaha.
mom
LOL
She misses you terribly!
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, she might, but she was also trying to get rid of me from the time i moved in. which is understandable, really. i kept trying to explain to her that living in my grandmother's spare room wasn't exactly my life goal, or something i had planned for, y'know?
mom
Yea, I hear you...But whenever I talk to her...She misses you...She goes into her apartment and there is no-one there anymore...the room is empty and she is feeling the loss.
I am a bit off on their ages. Nana was 18 when she gave birth to me....My father is 5yrs. older than her....So I am aging them a bit...She, I guess had just turned 18...
I was born in sept, 1958.
And then the poor woman gave birth to my sister in aug, 1959!
My sister and I are the same age for a bit. I(as a child) would be so upset that her birthday would come first!...When, I was the older one...LOL.
i had a direct fax to my worker, but i lost it. the general fax line for the ottawa odsp office is ***********.
mom
K...I will write that down on a piece of paper and fax off uhaul and gas receipts to her. I am wondering though about the gas receipts?...I am not sure they will honor those...Thinking, that perhaps they won't. But the other I think they will.
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't think i'm going to get anything at all from them, to be honest. but i have to try.
mom
Yes..for sure worth a try!
Jessica Amber Murray
i'll probably have to try twice, as it's a city thing, and if ottawa rejects the claims, windsor might accept them.
mom
I will fax them to her and then mail them to you.
So...You can try on your end.
J.. I have a weird feeling that my father is not doing so well.
I just sent his wife an email asking how they are doing?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, call and find out. he has to be in his 70s, now. i guess that even if he is doing ok he's not going to be around forever sort of thing.
mom
He is 76 actually...Turned that in june.
No...I am actually wrong about that!...He is 5 years older than Nana...She turned 75 on her last birthday, a few days ago!..He is 80!
Jessica Amber Murray
wow.
mom
Yes..Nana turned 75 in august
I am going to be 55 in sept.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm terrible with birthdays. that's the day before i left. well, i guess that's a good birthday present, hahaha.
mom
LOL
She misses you terribly!
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, she might, but she was also trying to get rid of me from the time i moved in. which is understandable, really. i kept trying to explain to her that living in my grandmother's spare room wasn't exactly my life goal, or something i had planned for, y'know?
mom
Yea, I hear you...But whenever I talk to her...She misses you...She goes into her apartment and there is no-one there anymore...the room is empty and she is feeling the loss.
I am a bit off on their ages. Nana was 18 when she gave birth to me....My father is 5yrs. older than her....So I am aging them a bit...She, I guess had just turned 18...
I was born in sept, 1958.
And then the poor woman gave birth to my sister in aug, 1959!
My sister and I are the same age for a bit. I(as a child) would be so upset that her birthday would come first!...When, I was the older one...LOL.
more about moving the fridge
mackaye
How's tomorrow at noon? I can come by with myself and two other people.
Jessica Amber Murray
that sounds ideal. thanks again.
mackaye
What's the address? I know it's right by slevin (7/11).
Jessica Amber Murray
it's 805 marion st.
which is marion and...it's the second one south of wyandotte.
mackaye
Kk
Niagara, I think
Jessica Amber Murray
the one before niagara. it's cataraqui, i think.
mackaye
Oh, okay
How's tomorrow at noon? I can come by with myself and two other people.
Jessica Amber Murray
that sounds ideal. thanks again.
mackaye
What's the address? I know it's right by slevin (7/11).
Jessica Amber Murray
it's 805 marion st.
which is marion and...it's the second one south of wyandotte.
mackaye
Kk
Niagara, I think
Jessica Amber Murray
the one before niagara. it's cataraqui, i think.
mackaye
Oh, okay
Friday, August 16, 2013
how to get a fridge down some stairs
Jessica Amber Murray
hi mackaye... so, i've got a fridge on my front porch, i knew fridges were heavy, but i thought i could manage it through a set of technical manouvres - an inclined plane, combined with some careful geometric manipulating. unfortunately, it's simply too heavy. i'm guessing moving a fridge isn't something you or anybody you know wants to do on a friday night. but do you think it's possible to put me in contact with a couple of dudes that would be down with helping me get this up a porch, and down a small flight within the next day or two? it's not a big job, and shouldn't take more than 10 minutes with the right muscle power.
mackaye
Shouldn't be a problem. I'll ask around and get back to you tomorrow. Should be able to move it Sunday at the latest.
Jessica Amber Murray
thank you.
hi mackaye... so, i've got a fridge on my front porch, i knew fridges were heavy, but i thought i could manage it through a set of technical manouvres - an inclined plane, combined with some careful geometric manipulating. unfortunately, it's simply too heavy. i'm guessing moving a fridge isn't something you or anybody you know wants to do on a friday night. but do you think it's possible to put me in contact with a couple of dudes that would be down with helping me get this up a porch, and down a small flight within the next day or two? it's not a big job, and shouldn't take more than 10 minutes with the right muscle power.
mackaye
Shouldn't be a problem. I'll ask around and get back to you tomorrow. Should be able to move it Sunday at the latest.
Jessica Amber Murray
thank you.
check-in pt 2
Jessica Amber Murray
updates? i'm actually surprisingly worried about you. it's sort of scaring me. has there been any change in your condition? what have they told you?
ESA
I dunno. Vague stuff. I think it was kind of an overdose. They hooked me up to a bunch of stuff like saline and heart monitors, and fed me and then gave me this drug like vallium. Im good -ish now. Much better than before. Still in pain, but not panicky
No hallucinations for a while
Jessica Amber Murray
they may have put you on benzos. it sounds like they're treating it like an od, anyways. did they say how long you're in for?
ESA
I done now. I was kept for 5 hours.
And it was an od sort of i guess.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm just relieved you weren't going through a meth overdose. that was what was freaking me out...
ESA
I guess i was high on methcaline
Lolol
I think i was going through a meth overdose.
Jessica Amber Murray
did they say mesc, specifically?
ESA
No.
Jessica Amber Murray
(mescaline is a psychedelic; methamphetamine is what i was worried about)
mdma has properties of meth and of mesc, though. ha.
ESA
I was combining the to just for fun. Methcaline. And no i definitely dont think it was mesc. Definitely acid or dmt or both or something
updates? i'm actually surprisingly worried about you. it's sort of scaring me. has there been any change in your condition? what have they told you?
ESA
I dunno. Vague stuff. I think it was kind of an overdose. They hooked me up to a bunch of stuff like saline and heart monitors, and fed me and then gave me this drug like vallium. Im good -ish now. Much better than before. Still in pain, but not panicky
No hallucinations for a while
Jessica Amber Murray
they may have put you on benzos. it sounds like they're treating it like an od, anyways. did they say how long you're in for?
ESA
I done now. I was kept for 5 hours.
And it was an od sort of i guess.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm just relieved you weren't going through a meth overdose. that was what was freaking me out...
ESA
I guess i was high on methcaline
Lolol
I think i was going through a meth overdose.
Jessica Amber Murray
did they say mesc, specifically?
ESA
No.
Jessica Amber Murray
(mescaline is a psychedelic; methamphetamine is what i was worried about)
mdma has properties of meth and of mesc, though. ha.
ESA
I was combining the to just for fun. Methcaline. And no i definitely dont think it was mesc. Definitely acid or dmt or both or something
she refused to listen, and faxed them the fake receipts - then got declined. it’s her own fault.
mom
J...I just talked to Don. He said he can make a legitimate receipt and fax it to your worker, and then we would mail them to you and some money too...His company is still a legit company.
Would just need the name of your worker and the fax number.
He has a fax machine.
I have your mailing address, so would mail all on Monday....Faxing could be done over the weekend, and they would get that on Monday morning....Don't worry, his company is legitimate.
He has done this many times before.
He moved someone to North Bay and did this, and also many local moves here in Ottawa....
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i need to be clear: the worker is expecting a u-haul receipt. i've told her several times that my mom's friend rented a u-haul. i can't change that half way through the conversation. i don't think there would be anything technically fraudulent about claiming that i rented services from don, and then pointing out that don rented the u-haul. but something official from u-haul needs to factor into the process. i'm not interested in messing around with this.
mom
OK... No problem. I have all the receipts...But he can make a receipt also that he was the driver. I mean there obviously has to be a driver. He just has a fax machine....Which would obviously be so much easier...Don't you think?
I have all the receipts for gas too.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, it would be, except they're not expecting me to claim money for a driver. i told them i borrowed the money from my mom's friend.
(who drove)
mom
OK...We will just keep it all legit then....But they don't really expect that there is no gas charges involved here....So, we will send them a fax with the real price of the truck, plus the car back, plus the price of the gas. They will not deny that!
Jessica Amber Murray
oh, wait. yeah: gas, too. they won't accept the claim for the car....
mom
That's why it would be better to let him make a receipt...His company is a legitimate one...So what, If he is a friend of your mother's?? It shouldn't really matter at all.
He rented a u-haul truck in the name of his company.....He is allowed.
Jessica Amber Murray
they're going to ask for the u-haul receipt and the gas receipts. they cancelled the odsp moving allowance, so it's not the same as it was. the request is going to the city, and they're extremely stingy. she said there's only about a 20% chance i'll get it at all. she's asking for specific receipts, and she's asking for them because it's the only way i'll be able to claim it. they're not likely to accept what you're suggesting.
mom
OK...Yes, I know they have become extremely stingy!(assholes that they have become!).......OK...How bout if I just fax the original receipts for truck and gas then.
And then mail them to you.
Jessica Amber Murray
that would be ideal. i can get you the fax next time i'm online (it's at home).
mom
K...I will be here for the weekend. And of course, As you know...I practically live on here!...LOL
J...I just talked to Don. He said he can make a legitimate receipt and fax it to your worker, and then we would mail them to you and some money too...His company is still a legit company.
Would just need the name of your worker and the fax number.
He has a fax machine.
I have your mailing address, so would mail all on Monday....Faxing could be done over the weekend, and they would get that on Monday morning....Don't worry, his company is legitimate.
He has done this many times before.
He moved someone to North Bay and did this, and also many local moves here in Ottawa....
Jessica Amber Murray
mom, i need to be clear: the worker is expecting a u-haul receipt. i've told her several times that my mom's friend rented a u-haul. i can't change that half way through the conversation. i don't think there would be anything technically fraudulent about claiming that i rented services from don, and then pointing out that don rented the u-haul. but something official from u-haul needs to factor into the process. i'm not interested in messing around with this.
mom
OK... No problem. I have all the receipts...But he can make a receipt also that he was the driver. I mean there obviously has to be a driver. He just has a fax machine....Which would obviously be so much easier...Don't you think?
I have all the receipts for gas too.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, it would be, except they're not expecting me to claim money for a driver. i told them i borrowed the money from my mom's friend.
(who drove)
mom
OK...We will just keep it all legit then....But they don't really expect that there is no gas charges involved here....So, we will send them a fax with the real price of the truck, plus the car back, plus the price of the gas. They will not deny that!
Jessica Amber Murray
oh, wait. yeah: gas, too. they won't accept the claim for the car....
mom
That's why it would be better to let him make a receipt...His company is a legitimate one...So what, If he is a friend of your mother's?? It shouldn't really matter at all.
He rented a u-haul truck in the name of his company.....He is allowed.
Jessica Amber Murray
they're going to ask for the u-haul receipt and the gas receipts. they cancelled the odsp moving allowance, so it's not the same as it was. the request is going to the city, and they're extremely stingy. she said there's only about a 20% chance i'll get it at all. she's asking for specific receipts, and she's asking for them because it's the only way i'll be able to claim it. they're not likely to accept what you're suggesting.
mom
OK...Yes, I know they have become extremely stingy!(assholes that they have become!).......OK...How bout if I just fax the original receipts for truck and gas then.
And then mail them to you.
Jessica Amber Murray
that would be ideal. i can get you the fax next time i'm online (it's at home).
mom
K...I will be here for the weekend. And of course, As you know...I practically live on here!...LOL
You have replied to "Fridge" Ad on Kijiji
From: "Kijiji Canada" <donotreply@kijiji.ca>
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
hi.
i'm interested in the fridge. are you able to deliver it? if not, how close to downtown are you? i'm going to call, but i just moved to town and don't have a phone yet so this is a better method of communication...
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
hi.
i'm interested in the fridge. are you able to deliver it? if not, how close to downtown are you? i'm going to call, but i just moved to town and don't have a phone yet so this is a better method of communication...
check-in
Jessica Amber Murray
how you doing?
ESA
Everything hurts
My jaw and cheeks hurt the most. Then my.chest
Jessica Amber Murray
are you waiting for care? you may be a heart attack risk. are they aware of that?
ESA
I dont know. Ill wait for them to come back, then ipl ask them
how you doing?
ESA
Everything hurts
My jaw and cheeks hurt the most. Then my.chest
Jessica Amber Murray
are you waiting for care? you may be a heart attack risk. are they aware of that?
ESA
I dont know. Ill wait for them to come back, then ipl ask them
finding receipts
Jessica Amber Murray
could you get me a receipt for the moving van? i need it to claim for odsp. the office can't print off anything with a dollar amount, which is what i need.
mom
Yes... I can do that. I will actually get Don to make one for more. He did that for me when I moved.
Are you actually coming here at the end of the month? I could give you this receipt then...Or how will I send it...
I guess I can mail it to your address.
I will get him to make it this weekend.
Jessica Amber Murray
make it? i kind of need it to be real. how would he make a receipt? i don't seriously plan on coming back at the end of the month. do you have scan abilities? you could email it to me, and i could print it off.
mom
He used to move people...He has an old receipt book, and the stamper. It worked for me. I don't have scan abilities...But, I think Nanny does...Not sure though? I can just mail it to you.
Jessica Amber Murray
nana can scan it. it will take a while to mail it. i don't really want him to do that. can he get a real receipt? or, if he can't, can you make sure he makes the receipt the actual amount?
mom
I do have the original receipt...If you would prefer?
K...She is gone to the cottage for the weekend...But will get to her place on Monday then.
I will call her now...Don't think she has even left yet.
Jessica Amber Murray
yes, the original, please. i'm not even sure they'll refund me at all. it turns out it's a city thing, now. i don't want to get caught, really. just getting the actual amount would be very useful. i won't get it there until monday, anyways, so that's ok, if you can email it.
mom
I am chatting with her now. I will go to her apartment on Monday...
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks...
mom
OK... I will go to her place Monday afternoon, and the two of us duncehats will figure out how to do this!...LOL
Do you have any advice for us?
Jessica Amber Murray
it's pretty easy. just take an sd card or usb stick and put it in the side of the scanner. then click on scan in the front. it will scan it to the media. you can then take the media and put it in your computer. i think it only has an sd card, though. she probably has an sd card with her camera, but if you have one then you should bring it just in case.
mom
Oh Crap! I don't have a usb stick...But will buy one...Wanted one anyways.
Jessica Amber Murray
no, you need an sd card.
mom
I will get one at walmart over the weekend. What is an sd card?
You mean the card in a camera?
You are dealing with two duncehats here...
I think I can figure it out...I will research how to do it.
I can get on her computer and email it to you. My sd card is probably not compatible with her stuff...It is a really old obsolete camera. I think, I will just purchase the usb stick.
She seems to know how to scan...She just doesn't know how to email it to you...Bu, I know how to do that.
Jessica Amber Murray
no, i don't think there's a usb in there. either way, she has a brand new usb stick in her room. i think the only out is an sd card. i'd bring it just in case.
she'll probably use the sd in her camera.
mom
K...Don has one that his son's girlfriend gave him... I am going to retrieve it this weekend.
He doesn't even know what the heck it even is....I know where it is and am going to take it.
I will give it back to him...I am not a thief!...I will just borrow it without his knowledge...Cause he is such a strange bird anyways.
I think I have guilted him out so much that he is going to give me back the balance of the money that he tried to coerce...I will give it to you...That was what I wanted to do anyways. I wanted to give you some cash when I saw you...I am just so sad that it didn't work out that way...And he knows exactly how I feel about it now.
could you get me a receipt for the moving van? i need it to claim for odsp. the office can't print off anything with a dollar amount, which is what i need.
mom
Yes... I can do that. I will actually get Don to make one for more. He did that for me when I moved.
Are you actually coming here at the end of the month? I could give you this receipt then...Or how will I send it...
I guess I can mail it to your address.
I will get him to make it this weekend.
Jessica Amber Murray
make it? i kind of need it to be real. how would he make a receipt? i don't seriously plan on coming back at the end of the month. do you have scan abilities? you could email it to me, and i could print it off.
mom
He used to move people...He has an old receipt book, and the stamper. It worked for me. I don't have scan abilities...But, I think Nanny does...Not sure though? I can just mail it to you.
Jessica Amber Murray
nana can scan it. it will take a while to mail it. i don't really want him to do that. can he get a real receipt? or, if he can't, can you make sure he makes the receipt the actual amount?
mom
I do have the original receipt...If you would prefer?
K...She is gone to the cottage for the weekend...But will get to her place on Monday then.
I will call her now...Don't think she has even left yet.
Jessica Amber Murray
yes, the original, please. i'm not even sure they'll refund me at all. it turns out it's a city thing, now. i don't want to get caught, really. just getting the actual amount would be very useful. i won't get it there until monday, anyways, so that's ok, if you can email it.
mom
I am chatting with her now. I will go to her apartment on Monday...
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks...
mom
OK... I will go to her place Monday afternoon, and the two of us duncehats will figure out how to do this!...LOL
Do you have any advice for us?
Jessica Amber Murray
it's pretty easy. just take an sd card or usb stick and put it in the side of the scanner. then click on scan in the front. it will scan it to the media. you can then take the media and put it in your computer. i think it only has an sd card, though. she probably has an sd card with her camera, but if you have one then you should bring it just in case.
mom
Oh Crap! I don't have a usb stick...But will buy one...Wanted one anyways.
Jessica Amber Murray
no, you need an sd card.
mom
I will get one at walmart over the weekend. What is an sd card?
You mean the card in a camera?
You are dealing with two duncehats here...
I think I can figure it out...I will research how to do it.
I can get on her computer and email it to you. My sd card is probably not compatible with her stuff...It is a really old obsolete camera. I think, I will just purchase the usb stick.
She seems to know how to scan...She just doesn't know how to email it to you...Bu, I know how to do that.
Jessica Amber Murray
no, i don't think there's a usb in there. either way, she has a brand new usb stick in her room. i think the only out is an sd card. i'd bring it just in case.
she'll probably use the sd in her camera.
mom
K...Don has one that his son's girlfriend gave him... I am going to retrieve it this weekend.
He doesn't even know what the heck it even is....I know where it is and am going to take it.
I will give it back to him...I am not a thief!...I will just borrow it without his knowledge...Cause he is such a strange bird anyways.
I think I have guilted him out so much that he is going to give me back the balance of the money that he tried to coerce...I will give it to you...That was what I wanted to do anyways. I wanted to give you some cash when I saw you...I am just so sad that it didn't work out that way...And he knows exactly how I feel about it now.
Re: Reply to your "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: RLI
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
im so sorry. Someone came and picked it up this morning.
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
im so sorry. Someone came and picked it up this morning.
Reply to your "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: RLI
hi. just checking up on this?
j
To: RLI
hi. just checking up on this?
j
it turns out that molly is a bit of a prankster
ESA
I got drugged last night. Ive been tripping on some strong psychadelic for the last 8 hours.
For two hours i was twitching and saying "im so confused" .... Apparently it was possibly this guy named craig who did it
I feel so incredibly aweful and terrified
The rest of the time i was just like rolllng on the floor freaking out
Jessica Amber Murray
wait, this was a non-consensual psychedelic trip? that's fucking horrific. of all the horrible jokes you could play on somebody, putting them on psychedelics without them knowing it is just about the lowest thing possible. these are serious drugs with profound effects, damn it! and you've indicated an aversion to this, ugh, that makes me twitchy fucking mad. i hope you had a friend or two around, because that could have had fucking scary, scary outcomes otherwise. i'm thinking like walking into traffic sort of thing... i don't know if you remember bumpers or not, it might be before your time, but it was a psychedelic/punk bar on bank. i spent an acid trip on the floor there once. there's a point where you sort of want to get up, but can't, it's like there's this weight pulling you down and you're just stuck and you just have to wait it out. that was really bad acid, though. ugh, ugh... have you figured something out about leroy yet?
ESA
Yeah m still sort of tripping...
Im freaking out in the very least.
there is absolutely nothing more triggering than that. God i was doing so well there for a while
I also did speed and mdma with etan
lenin thought it might be a bad reaction
But i was.like straight the fuck up hallucinating. For two hours i was completely lost in my head and couldnt get out.
Jessica Amber Murray
essentially all mdma/e you buy on the street is cut with an upper, usually speed, and you never know who is cutting it. that's why i won't do it. you really don't know what the fuck you're actually taking. mdma is broadly safe, but if they put too much speed in, you could overdose on it. i mean, i'd do mdma if i knew it was pure, but it's almost impossible to know. mdma is technically a hallucinogen, if it was the same night you might be able to blame it on that. or you might have bought something you didn't intend on buying...
ESA
The thing is that etan had the exact same as me. And it is technically a hallucinogen but not realllyyy
Acid is a hallucinogrn
It could have been ketamine.... but i wouldnt be tripping out like lsd, would i? I definitely had a k-hole experience though.
jess
!!!!!
AHHHH
why does everyone think i'm sleepi9ng with their boyfriends all the time
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you don't *really* know that etan took the same as you. i've never done k, so i don't know, but i have heard about tripping out on e. were they random hallucinations kind of thing? that's apparently the big difference - acid and shroom trips have a theme, whereas mdma trips are just like random, like it's the adhd of hallucinogens or something.
ESA
no like
I didn't know my name or where I was or anythjing
and I was twitching and completely incoherent for 2 hours
like unconscious almost
and then I was rolling around on the floor. I don't remember specific hallucination. it was more like entering a whole new realm.
so yeah, acid.
Jessica Amber Murray
that doesn't sound like acid to me, unless it was extremely concentrated. as far as hallucinogens go, it sounds more like something like peyote or some kind of rainforest drug. k doesn't sound like a bad hypothesis. ...and maybe it's just 'cause you're kinda friendly? i remember one day at an asylum party where you were all like 'jess, why doesn't he want to make out with me", and i was all like "Well, how long have you known him?" and you were like "a few hours", and we had a laugh. you're not shy about hitting on people...
ESA
hahaha
I forget who that was
anyways no. I was with lenin the whole time
but yeah there was this creepy dude who thought I was hot
and tried to drag me away from lenin
Jessica Amber Murray
people really scare me sometimes. you know, i still think i got drugged at mugshots a few weeks ago. i don't blackout like that from drinking cider and beer...that's a vodka thing... i'm glad you're safe and hope you're feeling better. a good sleep should throw most of it off.
ESA
I am not feeling better
and my friend's girlfriend is harassing me
saying that I deserved it for all the bad things I do to people
and because I sleep with everyone's boyfriends
Jessica Amber Murray
right. even if you did sleep with people's boyfriends, that's the definition of slut shaming and...ugh. i don't even.. fuck ottawa.
ESA
god im like completely shaky I can't type
she;s this activist woman too
she's such a cunt
and I never say that. I save that word for special occasions
Jessica Amber Murray
she sounds like she's a victim of patriarchal thinking. i admit it really bothers me to hear shit like that from women, more so than from men. like, what does she want? for you to wear a fucking A on your shirt? y'know? has she not thought it through...ugh... but, it's enforced thinking and blahblahblah...
ESA
yeah I called her out on it.
Jessica Amber Murray
good.
ESA
and she said that me wanting to smash the fuckers face in who did this wasn’t anti-oppressive or something
Jessica Amber Murray
i can't get much context out of what you’re saying, but i think you have a right to be upset for being told you deserved to be drugged. there's no context in which somebody deserves to be drugged, and the person that did it definitely deserves some kind of confrontation. there are a lot of problems that can't be solved by group hugs and discussion groups. the threat of force is something that is extreme, but sometimes it is necessary. in this case? it sounds malicious, and if it was i agree it deserves a beat down. at the VERY LEAST, she should have been able to realize that you're understandably a little bit fucking livid right now and that you might be making threats that you might think twice about later. empathy? not much there.
ESA
ugh
my insides feel like they're shaking.
its positively vomitrocious
yeah its basically fear + anger
mostly fear. like 'what if someone didn't drug me and im going crazy'
'this is going to fuck me up for a while. great another set back '
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it sounds like a really good reason to get the fuck out of ottawa. are you playing in montreal tonight?
ESA
I dont know... i feel so much worse
Jessica Amber Murray
somebody suggested going to the hospital. erin, if you feel that's a good idea then you shouldn't second doubt it.
ESA
I cant get up
I keep fallig over
Jessica Amber Murray
erin, i want you to think very carefully: should you call an ambulance?
ESA
Well my dad is here. Im not sure.
Not sure if i have to go. They would just test my bloodd
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. i'm glad your dad is there. they might pump your stomach...
ESA
Idont get it. I took one pill of speed, and one pill of mdmq.
M y.cheecks are super swollen too. Like i was biting them
Im so fucking terrrified. This feeling wont go away
Jessica Amber Murray
you may have been clenching your teeth from the speed. swollen cheeks sounds like a possible allergic reaction, though.
ESA
What? They hurt though.
Jessica Amber Murray
have you ever done meth before? (i'm asking this for a reason)
ESA
Yeah by accident
Jessica Amber Murray
did you have a negative reaction to it?
ESA
No
I think i was.biting my cheeks hard
The swollen bits are right by my molars
Jessica Amber Murray
swelling is apparently a common reaction to a meth overdose.
and meth is often spliced with e. if you took meth + e + speed...
ESA
Yeh
Jessica Amber Murray
are you getting unusual heart rates?
ESA
Yeah.
It would maybe be.like 82 on a metronome
God this is disturbing.
Jessica Amber Murray
a musician's response...i'm sorry, i have a very lucid sense of humour. i think you should get to a hospital. meth overdoses can come on slowly. and they can be fatal.
ESA
Really? Dont you have to be taking yhe drug?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you'd have to take meth to overdose from it, yeah. it kind of sounds like you did.
ESA
Yeah but im not taking it now
Supposed to play in montreal......
my band mate is mad at me. She says i was being irresponsible.
Jessica Amber Murray
The thing about meth is different users have a different threshold for intoxication. Overdosing on Methamphetamine has many underlying factors, cocktails of other drugs, complications due to chronic use, general health, body mass etc. The threshold for lethal intoxication may vary depending on the individual. The reaction in most cases is delayed it doesn't come on as the drug is being smoke but after, an unexpected cardiac episode, heart attack or stroke can strike with little warning. What to look out for Sudden onset high temperature from dehydration and heat build up in the body. Dilated pupils and convulsions. Muscle/Chest pain. Sweating, rapid breathing, increased heart rate and blood pressure. In circumstances when you think an overdose has occurred, give fluids, rap them in a cold blanked dampened if necessary and call an ambulance. Obviously CPR in extreme cases. Overdose can occur with a single use so never be complacent.
i'm not trying to be alarmist, it's just...that's kind of what it sounds like and i want you to be aware that meth overdoses can happen well after consumption.
i think you need to worry about your health right now, not whether you were being irresponsible.
ESA
Yeah
Jessica Amber Murray
The less dangerous effect of methamphetamine psychosis is a confused, disoriented state. Meth users may repeat the same common action over and over again, such as repeatedly washing their hands or arranging and rearranging everyday objects. They may also experience tactile hallucinations where they feel bugs crawling on them, or feel something moving under their skin. But methamphetamine psychosis can also bring about extremely violent, destructive behavior. Users may have frightening visual hallucinations, such as seeing wild animals or armed aggressors coming to attack them. Meth addicts often suffer from paranoia and become convinced they are surrounded by enemies. They often hear voices, which commonly command violent or aggressive behavior, and they can react to their hallucinations with intense aggression. Meth psychosis can commonly last for days after the last dose of methamphetamine was taken. In some cases it lasts for weeks or even years.
ESA
Ambulance is here
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to say "good", but...
good luck? let me know when things settle down?
my battery is out, so i need to go home to charge, and i'm going to lose internet access. but i'll be back in about an hour...
I got drugged last night. Ive been tripping on some strong psychadelic for the last 8 hours.
For two hours i was twitching and saying "im so confused" .... Apparently it was possibly this guy named craig who did it
I feel so incredibly aweful and terrified
The rest of the time i was just like rolllng on the floor freaking out
Jessica Amber Murray
wait, this was a non-consensual psychedelic trip? that's fucking horrific. of all the horrible jokes you could play on somebody, putting them on psychedelics without them knowing it is just about the lowest thing possible. these are serious drugs with profound effects, damn it! and you've indicated an aversion to this, ugh, that makes me twitchy fucking mad. i hope you had a friend or two around, because that could have had fucking scary, scary outcomes otherwise. i'm thinking like walking into traffic sort of thing... i don't know if you remember bumpers or not, it might be before your time, but it was a psychedelic/punk bar on bank. i spent an acid trip on the floor there once. there's a point where you sort of want to get up, but can't, it's like there's this weight pulling you down and you're just stuck and you just have to wait it out. that was really bad acid, though. ugh, ugh... have you figured something out about leroy yet?
ESA
Yeah m still sort of tripping...
Im freaking out in the very least.
there is absolutely nothing more triggering than that. God i was doing so well there for a while
I also did speed and mdma with etan
lenin thought it might be a bad reaction
But i was.like straight the fuck up hallucinating. For two hours i was completely lost in my head and couldnt get out.
Jessica Amber Murray
essentially all mdma/e you buy on the street is cut with an upper, usually speed, and you never know who is cutting it. that's why i won't do it. you really don't know what the fuck you're actually taking. mdma is broadly safe, but if they put too much speed in, you could overdose on it. i mean, i'd do mdma if i knew it was pure, but it's almost impossible to know. mdma is technically a hallucinogen, if it was the same night you might be able to blame it on that. or you might have bought something you didn't intend on buying...
ESA
The thing is that etan had the exact same as me. And it is technically a hallucinogen but not realllyyy
Acid is a hallucinogrn
It could have been ketamine.... but i wouldnt be tripping out like lsd, would i? I definitely had a k-hole experience though.
jess
!!!!!
AHHHH
why does everyone think i'm sleepi9ng with their boyfriends all the time
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you don't *really* know that etan took the same as you. i've never done k, so i don't know, but i have heard about tripping out on e. were they random hallucinations kind of thing? that's apparently the big difference - acid and shroom trips have a theme, whereas mdma trips are just like random, like it's the adhd of hallucinogens or something.
ESA
no like
I didn't know my name or where I was or anythjing
and I was twitching and completely incoherent for 2 hours
like unconscious almost
and then I was rolling around on the floor. I don't remember specific hallucination. it was more like entering a whole new realm.
so yeah, acid.
Jessica Amber Murray
that doesn't sound like acid to me, unless it was extremely concentrated. as far as hallucinogens go, it sounds more like something like peyote or some kind of rainforest drug. k doesn't sound like a bad hypothesis. ...and maybe it's just 'cause you're kinda friendly? i remember one day at an asylum party where you were all like 'jess, why doesn't he want to make out with me", and i was all like "Well, how long have you known him?" and you were like "a few hours", and we had a laugh. you're not shy about hitting on people...
ESA
hahaha
I forget who that was
anyways no. I was with lenin the whole time
but yeah there was this creepy dude who thought I was hot
and tried to drag me away from lenin
Jessica Amber Murray
people really scare me sometimes. you know, i still think i got drugged at mugshots a few weeks ago. i don't blackout like that from drinking cider and beer...that's a vodka thing... i'm glad you're safe and hope you're feeling better. a good sleep should throw most of it off.
ESA
I am not feeling better
and my friend's girlfriend is harassing me
saying that I deserved it for all the bad things I do to people
and because I sleep with everyone's boyfriends
Jessica Amber Murray
right. even if you did sleep with people's boyfriends, that's the definition of slut shaming and...ugh. i don't even.. fuck ottawa.
ESA
god im like completely shaky I can't type
she;s this activist woman too
she's such a cunt
and I never say that. I save that word for special occasions
Jessica Amber Murray
she sounds like she's a victim of patriarchal thinking. i admit it really bothers me to hear shit like that from women, more so than from men. like, what does she want? for you to wear a fucking A on your shirt? y'know? has she not thought it through...ugh... but, it's enforced thinking and blahblahblah...
ESA
yeah I called her out on it.
Jessica Amber Murray
good.
ESA
and she said that me wanting to smash the fuckers face in who did this wasn’t anti-oppressive or something
Jessica Amber Murray
i can't get much context out of what you’re saying, but i think you have a right to be upset for being told you deserved to be drugged. there's no context in which somebody deserves to be drugged, and the person that did it definitely deserves some kind of confrontation. there are a lot of problems that can't be solved by group hugs and discussion groups. the threat of force is something that is extreme, but sometimes it is necessary. in this case? it sounds malicious, and if it was i agree it deserves a beat down. at the VERY LEAST, she should have been able to realize that you're understandably a little bit fucking livid right now and that you might be making threats that you might think twice about later. empathy? not much there.
ESA
ugh
my insides feel like they're shaking.
its positively vomitrocious
yeah its basically fear + anger
mostly fear. like 'what if someone didn't drug me and im going crazy'
'this is going to fuck me up for a while. great another set back '
Jessica Amber Murray
i think it sounds like a really good reason to get the fuck out of ottawa. are you playing in montreal tonight?
ESA
I dont know... i feel so much worse
Jessica Amber Murray
somebody suggested going to the hospital. erin, if you feel that's a good idea then you shouldn't second doubt it.
ESA
I cant get up
I keep fallig over
Jessica Amber Murray
erin, i want you to think very carefully: should you call an ambulance?
ESA
Well my dad is here. Im not sure.
Not sure if i have to go. They would just test my bloodd
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. i'm glad your dad is there. they might pump your stomach...
ESA
Idont get it. I took one pill of speed, and one pill of mdmq.
M y.cheecks are super swollen too. Like i was biting them
Im so fucking terrrified. This feeling wont go away
Jessica Amber Murray
you may have been clenching your teeth from the speed. swollen cheeks sounds like a possible allergic reaction, though.
ESA
What? They hurt though.
Jessica Amber Murray
have you ever done meth before? (i'm asking this for a reason)
ESA
Yeah by accident
Jessica Amber Murray
did you have a negative reaction to it?
ESA
No
I think i was.biting my cheeks hard
The swollen bits are right by my molars
Jessica Amber Murray
swelling is apparently a common reaction to a meth overdose.
and meth is often spliced with e. if you took meth + e + speed...
ESA
Yeh
Jessica Amber Murray
are you getting unusual heart rates?
ESA
Yeah.
It would maybe be.like 82 on a metronome
God this is disturbing.
Jessica Amber Murray
a musician's response...i'm sorry, i have a very lucid sense of humour. i think you should get to a hospital. meth overdoses can come on slowly. and they can be fatal.
ESA
Really? Dont you have to be taking yhe drug?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you'd have to take meth to overdose from it, yeah. it kind of sounds like you did.
ESA
Yeah but im not taking it now
Supposed to play in montreal......
my band mate is mad at me. She says i was being irresponsible.
Jessica Amber Murray
The thing about meth is different users have a different threshold for intoxication. Overdosing on Methamphetamine has many underlying factors, cocktails of other drugs, complications due to chronic use, general health, body mass etc. The threshold for lethal intoxication may vary depending on the individual. The reaction in most cases is delayed it doesn't come on as the drug is being smoke but after, an unexpected cardiac episode, heart attack or stroke can strike with little warning. What to look out for Sudden onset high temperature from dehydration and heat build up in the body. Dilated pupils and convulsions. Muscle/Chest pain. Sweating, rapid breathing, increased heart rate and blood pressure. In circumstances when you think an overdose has occurred, give fluids, rap them in a cold blanked dampened if necessary and call an ambulance. Obviously CPR in extreme cases. Overdose can occur with a single use so never be complacent.
i'm not trying to be alarmist, it's just...that's kind of what it sounds like and i want you to be aware that meth overdoses can happen well after consumption.
i think you need to worry about your health right now, not whether you were being irresponsible.
ESA
Yeah
Jessica Amber Murray
The less dangerous effect of methamphetamine psychosis is a confused, disoriented state. Meth users may repeat the same common action over and over again, such as repeatedly washing their hands or arranging and rearranging everyday objects. They may also experience tactile hallucinations where they feel bugs crawling on them, or feel something moving under their skin. But methamphetamine psychosis can also bring about extremely violent, destructive behavior. Users may have frightening visual hallucinations, such as seeing wild animals or armed aggressors coming to attack them. Meth addicts often suffer from paranoia and become convinced they are surrounded by enemies. They often hear voices, which commonly command violent or aggressive behavior, and they can react to their hallucinations with intense aggression. Meth psychosis can commonly last for days after the last dose of methamphetamine was taken. In some cases it lasts for weeks or even years.
ESA
Ambulance is here
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to say "good", but...
good luck? let me know when things settle down?
my battery is out, so i need to go home to charge, and i'm going to lose internet access. but i'll be back in about an hour...
i’ve got a whole eco-system out here on my front porch. that lady seems to like feeding everything in sight: alley cats, squirrels, little birds. it’s been sort of idyllic and peaceful to sit outside amongst all the different little animals, but reality just asserted itself: i saw a hawk swoop down this morning. i think it was a hawk, anyways. i didn’t get a good look at it, just saw the back of it from the side of my eye as it tactically avoided a fence. it may have been an owl, but it definitely wasn’t a pigeon or a gull. i actually haven’t seen a single pigeon or gull yet, strangely….
there were four kittens here, at one point, though. now there’s three. in fact, i only saw two this morning.
well, that’s what happens when you attract a little wildlife sanctuary, i guess. the next logical step is coyotes. coyotes nowadays are sort of not coyotes anymore, though. they’ve been tracking a lot of interbreeding between coyotes and wolves in eastern north america over the last few decades. it has become strong enough of a phenomenon that there’s been talk of a hybridization event. the way it’s working itself out is that a large amount of wolf dna is trickling down into the coyote population. we’d like to hope for the best in such a thing, but evolution has a wily (sorry) character: what we’re seeing develop is a type of canid that has the physical strength and increased killing power of a wolf and the general lack of fear of humans of a coyote. the most adapted traits of each, naturally. so, they’re bigger, stronger and more dangerous coyotes. it’s one thing to talk about moving into their territory, and human encroachment may be driving the hybridization, but the reality is that they’re moving back into the cities and causing some problems. well, you didn’t think that all the wildlife we’re destroying wouldn’t adapt and put up a fight, did you? just a little check on your anthropocentric preconceptions, there. it’s going to require a little bit of careful thinking to try and find a way to co-exist with these more aggressive coyotes (or coywolves). these are predator species. they may be smart enough to know not to attack you directly, especially if there are other things around to eat, including out of garbage bins, but they *are* going to eat your cat if you let it out.
i should clarify that i haven’t seen one yet, and i don’t want to be alarmist about it. wolves have definitely been on the other end of a lot of alarmism. it doesn’t change the trend that’s developing and the need for some kind of humane strategy, though. what i saw today was an avian predator.
…but back to the cats. there were initially three very small ones and a slightly older one. i don’t think the bigger one is a mother because she looks like a kitten, too. i could be wrong, though. cats actually breed fairly young, don’t they? i remember reading something a while back that compared them to rabbits (thereby strengthening my rodentia hypothesis), but i don’t really know. anyways, the bigger one has been a little more brave and the smaller ones seem to be following along a little. they still haven’t come over to say hi yet but i think they’re at least used to me now…
alley cats seem to be a different kind of animal in the sense that they’re not really attracted to the idea of human affection. the big one seems to be holding out that i may have some kind of food for it, and i ultimately don’t think it’s likely that it’s going to come towards me unless i offer it some. that’s all humans are good for, i guess. personally, i’m rather insulted, and am not planning on resorting to bribery for the purposes of building a friendship. the kitty shall come out of sincere and legitimate interest or not at all…
it’s scoping me out, though, in the sense that it has figured out that i live on the other side of the basement windows. i’ve caught it peering in. it’s actually a bit of a process of doing a set of rounds: whenever i come in the door, it goes over to the front window to observe me, and then to the next and the next until it’s been all the way around. perhaps that’s my territory, if you will. well, it was there first! that’s fair. it will come right up to the window and has even pawed a few times, but scatters off the moment i open it…
i think there’s a sort of irony, there. i’m the one on the other side of the glass.
there were four kittens here, at one point, though. now there’s three. in fact, i only saw two this morning.
well, that’s what happens when you attract a little wildlife sanctuary, i guess. the next logical step is coyotes. coyotes nowadays are sort of not coyotes anymore, though. they’ve been tracking a lot of interbreeding between coyotes and wolves in eastern north america over the last few decades. it has become strong enough of a phenomenon that there’s been talk of a hybridization event. the way it’s working itself out is that a large amount of wolf dna is trickling down into the coyote population. we’d like to hope for the best in such a thing, but evolution has a wily (sorry) character: what we’re seeing develop is a type of canid that has the physical strength and increased killing power of a wolf and the general lack of fear of humans of a coyote. the most adapted traits of each, naturally. so, they’re bigger, stronger and more dangerous coyotes. it’s one thing to talk about moving into their territory, and human encroachment may be driving the hybridization, but the reality is that they’re moving back into the cities and causing some problems. well, you didn’t think that all the wildlife we’re destroying wouldn’t adapt and put up a fight, did you? just a little check on your anthropocentric preconceptions, there. it’s going to require a little bit of careful thinking to try and find a way to co-exist with these more aggressive coyotes (or coywolves). these are predator species. they may be smart enough to know not to attack you directly, especially if there are other things around to eat, including out of garbage bins, but they *are* going to eat your cat if you let it out.
i should clarify that i haven’t seen one yet, and i don’t want to be alarmist about it. wolves have definitely been on the other end of a lot of alarmism. it doesn’t change the trend that’s developing and the need for some kind of humane strategy, though. what i saw today was an avian predator.
…but back to the cats. there were initially three very small ones and a slightly older one. i don’t think the bigger one is a mother because she looks like a kitten, too. i could be wrong, though. cats actually breed fairly young, don’t they? i remember reading something a while back that compared them to rabbits (thereby strengthening my rodentia hypothesis), but i don’t really know. anyways, the bigger one has been a little more brave and the smaller ones seem to be following along a little. they still haven’t come over to say hi yet but i think they’re at least used to me now…
alley cats seem to be a different kind of animal in the sense that they’re not really attracted to the idea of human affection. the big one seems to be holding out that i may have some kind of food for it, and i ultimately don’t think it’s likely that it’s going to come towards me unless i offer it some. that’s all humans are good for, i guess. personally, i’m rather insulted, and am not planning on resorting to bribery for the purposes of building a friendship. the kitty shall come out of sincere and legitimate interest or not at all…
it’s scoping me out, though, in the sense that it has figured out that i live on the other side of the basement windows. i’ve caught it peering in. it’s actually a bit of a process of doing a set of rounds: whenever i come in the door, it goes over to the front window to observe me, and then to the next and the next until it’s been all the way around. perhaps that’s my territory, if you will. well, it was there first! that’s fair. it will come right up to the window and has even pawed a few times, but scatters off the moment i open it…
i think there’s a sort of irony, there. i’m the one on the other side of the glass.
Re: Reply to your "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: RLI
sorry for the late response, i don't have stable internet either. wasn't expecting that fast a response...
i hope you still have it! any time today (friday the 16th) is good. i'll make sure i'm checking email more frequently.
j
To: RLI
sorry for the late response, i don't have stable internet either. wasn't expecting that fast a response...
i hope you still have it! any time today (friday the 16th) is good. i'll make sure i'm checking email more frequently.
j
Thursday, August 15, 2013
mom
Are you there? Just wanna get that jerk off my ass.
Told him he can stuff money he dishonestly procured unscrupulously from me up his ass...If he needs it that badly....I just want him out of my life!
I deplore him with every cell of my being.
I could be a real bitch...But, I just don't want to have to deal with him anymore. He is relentless about his property!....He has already threatened me...I just want to give him back his and walk away...
I personally believe that if he never gets it back and has to purchase a new one...It is about the same amount that he dishonestly stole from me...So retributive justice is what he should get...I believe in it so strongly....But not at a price that I have to end up paying for...My Peace Of Mind...
He will get his just recompense, exactly what he deserves in the end....I have faith on that one.
He will miss me, but, I will not miss him....I am free!
I vow to remain single for the rest of my life.
Are you there? Just wanna get that jerk off my ass.
Told him he can stuff money he dishonestly procured unscrupulously from me up his ass...If he needs it that badly....I just want him out of my life!
I deplore him with every cell of my being.
I could be a real bitch...But, I just don't want to have to deal with him anymore. He is relentless about his property!....He has already threatened me...I just want to give him back his and walk away...
I personally believe that if he never gets it back and has to purchase a new one...It is about the same amount that he dishonestly stole from me...So retributive justice is what he should get...I believe in it so strongly....But not at a price that I have to end up paying for...My Peace Of Mind...
He will get his just recompense, exactly what he deserves in the end....I have faith on that one.
He will miss me, but, I will not miss him....I am free!
I vow to remain single for the rest of my life.
Re: Reply to your "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: RLI
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
please let me know when you get a moment as Im still having inquiries...
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
please let me know when you get a moment as Im still having inquiries...
Re: Reply to your "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: RLI
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
we'll give it to you for $70 including delivery...
would you like it tonight?
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
we'll give it to you for $70 including delivery...
would you like it tonight?
Re: Reply to your "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: RLI
that sounds like a deal.
j
To: RLI
that sounds like a deal.
j
some more progress on cleaning
you should have seen it before. the knobs were...well, i thought their natural colour was the same brown as the lighter shade, there. was shocked that they were actually white. i'm not sure what works and what doesn't, actually. the breaker is off. the guy said it works, though. again: i only really need the big one, although it would be nice to have at least two. i'm waiting until i have a full list of things for him to do before i get a hold of him. tomorrow, probably, or the next day. i only want him to come down here once sort of thing....
Re: Reply to your "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: RLI
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Hello, If you pay the full $69 I can see if my hubby can help move it...
He may ask for an additional 10 for gas?
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Hello, If you pay the full $69 I can see if my hubby can help move it...
He may ask for an additional 10 for gas?
You have replied to "FRIGIDAIRE - Fridge Good Condition!!!" Ad on Kijiji
From: "Kijiji Canada" <donotreply@kijiji.ca>
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
hi..
i'm pretty close to you (just on marion st, a little south of wyandotte). i can't pick it up or move it by myself, but considering it's so close do you think you could just help me carry it a few blocks and down into the basement?
i just moved here and don't have a phone yet, but i have an open availability so if you send me a time and date i can arrange around that.
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
hi..
i'm pretty close to you (just on marion st, a little south of wyandotte). i can't pick it up or move it by myself, but considering it's so close do you think you could just help me carry it a few blocks and down into the basement?
i just moved here and don't have a phone yet, but i have an open availability so if you send me a time and date i can arrange around that.
i like the concept of a dream pool, but i know it’s bullshit
no. see...
if you just died in somebody's arms tonight, you can't be singing a song. you're dead. fucking hair metal. utterly incoherent nonsense....
it took me a few days to realize it and get used to the "new" furniture (new for me, anyways), but i've actually had recurring nightmares about the place i just moved into. how's that for creepy? strangely enough, the layout of the place leaves little room for doubt that there's some kind of connection. it's an old building, and marketed today as a two bedroom apartment, but the fact that the second bedroom has a separate entrance almost parallel to the front entrance (i'm using it as a laundry out) and no closet sort of highly suggests it was once a slave (or at least a paid servant) residence. point being: it's not an apartment layout you'd ever see in ottawa, which doesn't really have a history of slavery or indentured servitude or anything of the type (it is a city that was built too recently), excluding the obvious colonial thievery...
recurring dreams are supposed to be based on things you've seen or experienced. i suppose i could have seen an apartment layout like this in a movie. i can't remember which one it might have been, though, and, considering i don't really engage in the medium, that itself seems a little far-fetched.
so, based on those recurring nightmares, it seems like i'm probably going to get hunted down in this apartment at some point. fine. i just hope i have time to get some work done first....
i have a lot of recurring dreams, i think most of us do, but it's usually stuff from the past that i can identify as trying to work something out that was never worked out properly. i think that's pretty normal stuff. yes: i'm absolutely skeptical about whether any of us can analyze dreams properly (i'll freely write off the *content* of the analysis of dreams as pseudo-science), but i think the *idea* is roughly correct. i do agree that there's some kind of processing that happens in dreams, and i'll absolutely sit down and give trying to understand the dream a shot, even if i remain skeptical about the actual analysis.
this is one of a handful that i've never been able to put into any kind of context, though. again, it might seem a little uncharacteristic for me to talk about dreams producing prophecies. not science, j. right. well...
i don't really accept the concept of free will. i see the universe sort of like one of those domino games, where a series of explosions set a bunch of things off and we're just mindlessly following through with them. so, i think the future of the universe is already determined. that doesn't necessarily require a creator; it's an analogy, there aren't literally dominoes. i'd consider a couple of slabs of energy smashing into each other and creating a reaction to be sufficient to set off a set of chain reactions. further levels of abstraction may still defy my mind, but i don't think we need to bring in any heavy machinery to explain our singular universe and what happens in it, anyways....
that may seem like a classical view, but it isn't entirely. the statistical approach has to do with predicting what is going to happen, rather than what actually does happen. just because we can't predict how an atom is going to bounce around doesn't mean there's any actual randomness in it. i think a lot of people get confused by this point. there is an obscure interpretation that takes this position, but it's generally discarded because it's not local.
so, if i think we live in a pre-determined and fatalistic universe, why couldn't dreams tap into the pre-determined future somehow? i don't claim to understand the how, but this is a pretty heavy coincidence...
as it is, i'm living out this experiment. if i'm killed in this basement by a knife attack by somebody that breaks in the back door and catches me as i'm turning the corner out of the studio...
see, here's the thing: move out, right? no. just setting off the inevitable.
if you just died in somebody's arms tonight, you can't be singing a song. you're dead. fucking hair metal. utterly incoherent nonsense....
it took me a few days to realize it and get used to the "new" furniture (new for me, anyways), but i've actually had recurring nightmares about the place i just moved into. how's that for creepy? strangely enough, the layout of the place leaves little room for doubt that there's some kind of connection. it's an old building, and marketed today as a two bedroom apartment, but the fact that the second bedroom has a separate entrance almost parallel to the front entrance (i'm using it as a laundry out) and no closet sort of highly suggests it was once a slave (or at least a paid servant) residence. point being: it's not an apartment layout you'd ever see in ottawa, which doesn't really have a history of slavery or indentured servitude or anything of the type (it is a city that was built too recently), excluding the obvious colonial thievery...
recurring dreams are supposed to be based on things you've seen or experienced. i suppose i could have seen an apartment layout like this in a movie. i can't remember which one it might have been, though, and, considering i don't really engage in the medium, that itself seems a little far-fetched.
so, based on those recurring nightmares, it seems like i'm probably going to get hunted down in this apartment at some point. fine. i just hope i have time to get some work done first....
i have a lot of recurring dreams, i think most of us do, but it's usually stuff from the past that i can identify as trying to work something out that was never worked out properly. i think that's pretty normal stuff. yes: i'm absolutely skeptical about whether any of us can analyze dreams properly (i'll freely write off the *content* of the analysis of dreams as pseudo-science), but i think the *idea* is roughly correct. i do agree that there's some kind of processing that happens in dreams, and i'll absolutely sit down and give trying to understand the dream a shot, even if i remain skeptical about the actual analysis.
this is one of a handful that i've never been able to put into any kind of context, though. again, it might seem a little uncharacteristic for me to talk about dreams producing prophecies. not science, j. right. well...
i don't really accept the concept of free will. i see the universe sort of like one of those domino games, where a series of explosions set a bunch of things off and we're just mindlessly following through with them. so, i think the future of the universe is already determined. that doesn't necessarily require a creator; it's an analogy, there aren't literally dominoes. i'd consider a couple of slabs of energy smashing into each other and creating a reaction to be sufficient to set off a set of chain reactions. further levels of abstraction may still defy my mind, but i don't think we need to bring in any heavy machinery to explain our singular universe and what happens in it, anyways....
that may seem like a classical view, but it isn't entirely. the statistical approach has to do with predicting what is going to happen, rather than what actually does happen. just because we can't predict how an atom is going to bounce around doesn't mean there's any actual randomness in it. i think a lot of people get confused by this point. there is an obscure interpretation that takes this position, but it's generally discarded because it's not local.
so, if i think we live in a pre-determined and fatalistic universe, why couldn't dreams tap into the pre-determined future somehow? i don't claim to understand the how, but this is a pretty heavy coincidence...
as it is, i'm living out this experiment. if i'm killed in this basement by a knife attack by somebody that breaks in the back door and catches me as i'm turning the corner out of the studio...
see, here's the thing: move out, right? no. just setting off the inevitable.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
RE: things that are missing
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I do not wish to discuss this anymore. I did clean up the basement the other day and there were no more of your things down there.....And I rechecked the garage and again nothing.
Again, I do not believe your sister would take anything. It would also be very hard to remove musical instruments without me or your dad noticing.
So do what you think is necessary , but again I do not believe your sister would take anything!
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I do not wish to discuss this anymore. I did clean up the basement the other day and there were no more of your things down there.....And I rechecked the garage and again nothing.
Again, I do not believe your sister would take anything. It would also be very hard to remove musical instruments without me or your dad noticing.
So do what you think is necessary , but again I do not believe your sister would take anything!
it's very important that you're absolutely sure there's nothing left there
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
hi again.
i will be compiling a list of items that may have potentially be stolen by my sister. it's very important that you check to make sure that there was nothing left there, so that i do not accuse her of stealing things that she didn't steal.
also, on that note, i should point out that i took your extra fan out of the closet in the computer room. i wasn't sure if it was mine or yours; i knew i had a fan of that make and model, but wasn't sure if i took to your place or not. as you had two fans, i deduced it was probably mine. as it turns out, my fan was packed with my things and the fan did belong to you. i apologize for that. there was also a bag of usb and network cords that i wasn't sure were mine or yours. i'm still not sure if they were mine or yours, but i figured at the very least that you would probably not have much use for them, whereas i can always use extra cords for the pile of electronic equipment i have. if they were yours, i apologize for that as well. there were around five cords in the bag.
thinking closely, some things may have fallen behind or underneath the bookcase beside the computer that i put things on. actually, on both sides of the computer - there was also the little structure with onions and stuff in it that things may have fallen behind. i vaguely recall looking, but i was in a bit of a stress-induced haze that weekend and am not sure if i looked closely or not. could you look behind those two structures as well?
one thing i'm pretty certain is around there somewhere is a usb camera. i think i had packed it in the green bag, and even remember pulling it out at your place, but now i can't find it. it's not worth much, but if you find it then please let me know.
j
To: grandmother’s email address
hi again.
i will be compiling a list of items that may have potentially be stolen by my sister. it's very important that you check to make sure that there was nothing left there, so that i do not accuse her of stealing things that she didn't steal.
also, on that note, i should point out that i took your extra fan out of the closet in the computer room. i wasn't sure if it was mine or yours; i knew i had a fan of that make and model, but wasn't sure if i took to your place or not. as you had two fans, i deduced it was probably mine. as it turns out, my fan was packed with my things and the fan did belong to you. i apologize for that. there was also a bag of usb and network cords that i wasn't sure were mine or yours. i'm still not sure if they were mine or yours, but i figured at the very least that you would probably not have much use for them, whereas i can always use extra cords for the pile of electronic equipment i have. if they were yours, i apologize for that as well. there were around five cords in the bag.
thinking closely, some things may have fallen behind or underneath the bookcase beside the computer that i put things on. actually, on both sides of the computer - there was also the little structure with onions and stuff in it that things may have fallen behind. i vaguely recall looking, but i was in a bit of a stress-induced haze that weekend and am not sure if i looked closely or not. could you look behind those two structures as well?
one thing i'm pretty certain is around there somewhere is a usb camera. i think i had packed it in the green bag, and even remember pulling it out at your place, but now i can't find it. it's not worth much, but if you find it then please let me know.
j
Re: things that are missing
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
the thing is that nothing was worth much individually, but when you add up 75 or 100 things worth less than $20 (even if a lot of it is only worth $2-3), it gets expensive quickly. some of the things i can't find (like a pizza cutter) aren't really even important. other things (like the coffee maker) sort of are. i can't afford to just go to the store and repurchase everything.
i guess i'll just have to accept that some things are lost. it's disappointing, but what can i do. i wish you would have asked before you threw things out, though. i could have washed the mold off those things, especially the shirts.
...and i'm certainly missing a mandolin and a 12-string. the 12-string was around until fairly recently, actually. dad and i were talking about taking it to folklore not much more than a few months ago. in fact, the topic came up the week before i left, although i don't know if it was still there by then or not.
unfortunately, i do think she would take the instruments. i also think she would take other things like the chess set. unfortunately, i think she would lie about it afterwards, too.
maybe i should point out that i don't have any interest in maintaining a relationship with my sister, either. i feel she's been very dishonest with me over many years. trust is very important to me, and it's been irrevocably broken. i have to expect that she will continue to lie to me, to steal things from me and to manipulate situations in ways that are not in my interests. all of the evidence i have to rely on points in this direction. this type of person is not somebody that i want to stay in contact with.
i actually have a list of over 100 items that i believe she stole out of the garage or the basement at some point. i don't think asking her about it further is productive because i expect her to lie about it. she already has lied about it.
that being said, i don't want to make any false accusations. i don't want to accuse her of stealing things that you discarded, for whatever reason. so, if it's possible to think back and try and create as substantial a list as is possible then that would be beneficial to both her and i in resolving this.
again, i apologize for having to do this, but i feel i am out of options. i think this should be last that you hear from me. so, good luck.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
the thing is that nothing was worth much individually, but when you add up 75 or 100 things worth less than $20 (even if a lot of it is only worth $2-3), it gets expensive quickly. some of the things i can't find (like a pizza cutter) aren't really even important. other things (like the coffee maker) sort of are. i can't afford to just go to the store and repurchase everything.
i guess i'll just have to accept that some things are lost. it's disappointing, but what can i do. i wish you would have asked before you threw things out, though. i could have washed the mold off those things, especially the shirts.
...and i'm certainly missing a mandolin and a 12-string. the 12-string was around until fairly recently, actually. dad and i were talking about taking it to folklore not much more than a few months ago. in fact, the topic came up the week before i left, although i don't know if it was still there by then or not.
unfortunately, i do think she would take the instruments. i also think she would take other things like the chess set. unfortunately, i think she would lie about it afterwards, too.
maybe i should point out that i don't have any interest in maintaining a relationship with my sister, either. i feel she's been very dishonest with me over many years. trust is very important to me, and it's been irrevocably broken. i have to expect that she will continue to lie to me, to steal things from me and to manipulate situations in ways that are not in my interests. all of the evidence i have to rely on points in this direction. this type of person is not somebody that i want to stay in contact with.
i actually have a list of over 100 items that i believe she stole out of the garage or the basement at some point. i don't think asking her about it further is productive because i expect her to lie about it. she already has lied about it.
that being said, i don't want to make any false accusations. i don't want to accuse her of stealing things that you discarded, for whatever reason. so, if it's possible to think back and try and create as substantial a list as is possible then that would be beneficial to both her and i in resolving this.
again, i apologize for having to do this, but i feel i am out of options. i think this should be last that you hear from me. so, good luck.
j
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
RE: things that are missing
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
When I re-boxed your things there were a few things that had mold on them and I threw them out...I know they were nothing of monetary value but I can't remember exactly what they were other than some moldy clothes and a few moldy binders. I do not think anything was left at Lexington but obviously I can't say 100 %.
You can get a cheap blanket at a thrift shop ....There were NO musical instruments discarded, that I know for sure and I do not believe your sister would have taken them but you will have to ask her.
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
When I re-boxed your things there were a few things that had mold on them and I threw them out...I know they were nothing of monetary value but I can't remember exactly what they were other than some moldy clothes and a few moldy binders. I do not think anything was left at Lexington but obviously I can't say 100 %.
You can get a cheap blanket at a thrift shop ....There were NO musical instruments discarded, that I know for sure and I do not believe your sister would have taken them but you will have to ask her.
You have replied to "Fridge and Stove" Ad on Kijiji
From: "Kijiji Canada" <donotreply@kijiji.ca>
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Hello! You have sent the following email to Fridge and Stove Ad on Kijiji:
hi.
i'm interested in your fridge and stove, but would need to get them asap kind of thing and would also need them delivered. i can pay cash. i'm just east of downtown (on marion st). is that possible?
jessica
To: <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Hello! You have sent the following email to Fridge and Stove Ad on Kijiji:
hi.
i'm interested in your fridge and stove, but would need to get them asap kind of thing and would also need them delivered. i can pay cash. i'm just east of downtown (on marion st). is that possible?
jessica
Monday, August 12, 2013
mom
I guess you have your internet now??
Jessica Amber Murray
no, i'm at the tim horton's across from the uhaul. i need to do some research on fridges.
mom
Oh yes...Won't disability help you with that? They used to anyways.
That and dryers, washers and stoves if one needed them.
Jessica Amber Murray
no. well, i'll ask after. i doubt it.
there's a washer/dryer. it's sort of weird. the dryer is free, but the washer is $4. which would be alright, if it wasn't so small. i'll probably use a laundromat. there's a stove i can move in. it's old, but i only use it to fry eggs and make spaghetti. worst case, i'll just get one of those portable elements. probably more useful to me in the long run (i could use it for camping or whatever if/when i move). likewise, i'm thinking i'll probably get a mini-fridge, if they're cheaper. i don't need a big or fancy fridge. when i had a big fridge before, it was mostly empty most of the time..
I guess you have your internet now??
Jessica Amber Murray
no, i'm at the tim horton's across from the uhaul. i need to do some research on fridges.
mom
Oh yes...Won't disability help you with that? They used to anyways.
That and dryers, washers and stoves if one needed them.
Jessica Amber Murray
no. well, i'll ask after. i doubt it.
there's a washer/dryer. it's sort of weird. the dryer is free, but the washer is $4. which would be alright, if it wasn't so small. i'll probably use a laundromat. there's a stove i can move in. it's old, but i only use it to fry eggs and make spaghetti. worst case, i'll just get one of those portable elements. probably more useful to me in the long run (i could use it for camping or whatever if/when i move). likewise, i'm thinking i'll probably get a mini-fridge, if they're cheaper. i don't need a big or fancy fridge. when i had a big fridge before, it was mostly empty most of the time..
Re: things that are missing
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry to drag this on. you can be assured i wish to move on.
i'm just confused about a few things. i can understand why my sister would have taken the mandolin and the 12-string, as well as a number of other things. i'll have to deal with that bilaterally. i don't understand why she would take my blanket or my tax returns or some of the other things and really don't think that she did. i don't see why you would take them, either, though. i don't consider these things stolen and am not making accusations regarding them.
i'd just like to try and understand better what may have happened to them. are you absolutely certain you looked everywhere in the house? could there have been some things stored away in an out of the way place, like behind a staircase or under a sink? i know there was some water damage in the shed on lexington. i spent a while sorting through cds. were there boxes that were thrown in the garbage as a result of that damage? is it possible that there were items forgotten at lexington? i know that you reboxed a few things. were items thrown in the garbage as a result of that reboxing process? some of the things i'm looking for (like a handful of old beaten up shirts i had hanging on my wall for many years) could have easily been mistaken for garbage.
there was not much there in the way of monetary value, but there were personal possessions that were of great value to me and i'd appreciate any help you could provide me in at least understanding where they went, if they are indeed lost forever.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry to drag this on. you can be assured i wish to move on.
i'm just confused about a few things. i can understand why my sister would have taken the mandolin and the 12-string, as well as a number of other things. i'll have to deal with that bilaterally. i don't understand why she would take my blanket or my tax returns or some of the other things and really don't think that she did. i don't see why you would take them, either, though. i don't consider these things stolen and am not making accusations regarding them.
i'd just like to try and understand better what may have happened to them. are you absolutely certain you looked everywhere in the house? could there have been some things stored away in an out of the way place, like behind a staircase or under a sink? i know there was some water damage in the shed on lexington. i spent a while sorting through cds. were there boxes that were thrown in the garbage as a result of that damage? is it possible that there were items forgotten at lexington? i know that you reboxed a few things. were items thrown in the garbage as a result of that reboxing process? some of the things i'm looking for (like a handful of old beaten up shirts i had hanging on my wall for many years) could have easily been mistaken for garbage.
there was not much there in the way of monetary value, but there were personal possessions that were of great value to me and i'd appreciate any help you could provide me in at least understanding where they went, if they are indeed lost forever.
j
documents to print
From: Jessica Murray
To: wpl850@gmail.com
hi.
both files should open with word.
j
1) Answering the question of why I.doc
He claims that I suffer from weak symptoms of depression and that this is part of the reason that I’ve been unable to work. I cannot deny that the symptoms associated with the diagnosed ‘dysthymia’ seem applicable, but if they’re applicable now then they’ve been applicable continually since early childhood and they didn’t prevent me from working in the past. I do not honestly believe that I am too depressed to function in the workforce on a general basis, but I will concede that my general personality is not ideal for a job in the service industry, which is about the only industry that I am now and likely ever will be qualified to work in. So, there is a roundabout relevancy to the observation. Insofar as this is my personality, and the issue is perhaps wholly described in these terms, this is not a resolvable issue without some form of drug use or psycho-therapy. Is it worth the state’s time and energy to put a hopelessly apathetic personality type through therapy so that it can flip burgers for minimum wage? Excuse me for being jaded by the prospect.
I hope you’ll excuse my biases in favour of empiricism over deductive reasoning, but perhaps the better argument in favour of my inability to work is the fact that I’ve been so unsuccessful in the work force over the last several years. My last period of ‘gainful employment’ ended in mid-2008 due to a layoff. I was then fired twice in 2008, both times due to chronic tardiness that was brought on by symptoms that seem consistent with the diagnosis of dysthymia, before heading back to school to study computer science, partially as a result of being unable to find steady employment. I felt targeted by my professors over the next few years due to the fact that I rarely attended classes. I rarely attended classes due to issues of social anxiety; while I’ve never needed to sit in class to keep up and my grades have always been above the curve, most professors were not sensitive to this at all and, in staggering displays of counter-productive ignorance, decided to pick me out and make an example of me. This led to two predictable outcomes. First, I was forced to stand up for myself and challenge several professors through administrative means. I won every fight. Second, I was then even less likely to attend classes due to the increased social anxieties of being singled out by professors and peers. As an aside, I think that there should be mandatory training for professors about the issue of social anxiety and why it prevents some students from attending class or working in groups. Certainly, making an example of students for ‘truancy’ under ignorant assumptions should be viewed not just as unacceptable and unprofessional but as criminal harassment. Over time, I became paranoid and suspicious of all professors and teaching assistants under the empirical deduction that they seemed to be purposefully singling me out, which made me even more anxious, even more upset and excessively confrontational. I eventually forced myself out of the program a credit short of graduation; I do not feel that I can complete the program with an objective evaluation at this particular institution. My GPA in the program is above 10 out of 12, which is an A.
Accepting that it was best to cut my losses and start fresh, it was in the fall of 2010 that I forced myself out of the program in order to raise the income necessary to undergo gender transition. I’ve been unable to find any significant employment since then. The few jobs that I’ve been able to find have been either part time or commission-based, and I’ve been fired from all of them, except one - a part-time job at a company that was short-staffed and in the process of bankruptcy. When the company eventually failed, I lost employment.
How many interviews have I been to over the last year and a half? I’ve been to several hundred of them, and in every industry imaginable. I’ve been to dozens and dozens of fast food interviews, including at several of the same restaurants multiple times, and simply cannot get anybody in the industry to hire me. Dysthymia may be to blame, as may be transphobia. To be blunt, I think the culprit is more likely to be a combination of ageism and reverse-classism. With no recent service industry experience, an advanced education and being above the age of 30, this is simply not an option that is open to me. Unfortunately, it’s also the only option that I have without going to school again. If I am accepted into disability, I may indeed enroll in correspondent classes at the other local university with the hopes of putting myself in a better long term self-employment situation.
I was first diagnosed with gender dysphoria more than ten years ago. I’ve always felt as though I am female, but was taught (primarily by my mother) to suppress those feelings as abnormal and wrong. My mother, overall, has had a haunting effect on my life. She suffers from paranoia, schizophrenia and drug and alcohol abuse; she was extremely emotionally negligent and abusive towards me for most of my young childhood, which has left me deeply codependent and very strongly attracted to exploitative and abusive relationships. A few months into transition, I fell into one of these deeply abusive relationships with a young girl that convinced me to stop hormone therapy. We went our ways several years later; I have arguably yet to recover from the emotional damage she caused me, but going back into transition is a positive step forward in the proper direction of the recovery of my ego and self-confidence.
As I’ve been unable to find employment for the last year and a half, I’ve had to rely on the help of family members. My father is wealthy, but I am not welcome in his home due to issues of transphobia. He helped me for a little while and then cut me off in a sink or swim scenario. I ended up getting evicted from my apartment, losing most of my belongings and moving into the spare room in my elderly grandmother’s apartment, which is where I am currently. My grandmother is a compassionate woman but she lives on a fixed income and cannot afford to take care of me indefinitely. I need to find an alternate solution.
Welfare has not been a valid solution. The maximum monthly amount is not sufficient for any individual to exist upon; as I am currently not paying rent, it’s been cut down to $200/month, which I find to be remarkable. My medication is almost $200/month! The idea of me raising enough money to move away from my grandmother through welfare is laughable. I cannot find employment. I cannot function socially. I cannot stay here forever. Without some kind of significant state intervention, my future, then, appears to be either in homelessness or prostitution or both.
I went to the doctor to try and understand what the causes of the problems I’ve been experiencing are and don’t feel I’ve walked away with a deeper insight than I had before. Depression that is so weak that it cannot even be called depression? That seems so trivial, and so unworthy of aid. However, when the diagnosis is put in the context of what I’ve experienced over the last several years, perhaps a larger pattern emerges. Perhaps my social and contentedness problems are at the root of my inability to find employment and, if that is truly the case, then perhaps, and despite years of denial, I do qualify for disability.
Hopefully, this will be the short term solution that allows me to rebuild my life in the face of an adversity that is larger than I am able to conquer through sheer willpower and hard work. I feel I’ve run out of other options and am asking you for aid out of desperation.
Jessica
2) odsp essay.rtf.
To: wpl850@gmail.com
hi.
both files should open with word.
j
1) Answering the question of why I.doc
How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb
Answering the question of why I’ve been unable to work over the last few years, and why I feel that this will likely continue for several more, is not something I can do with ease. In truth, this is what I sought out a psychiatric opinion about. I did not come to the process of evaluation with an understanding of the problem but with a desire to better understand it and I do not honestly feel as though my brief encounter with this psychiatrist has left me with a significantly better understanding of the core issues.
He claims that I suffer from weak symptoms of depression and that this is part of the reason that I’ve been unable to work. I cannot deny that the symptoms associated with the diagnosed ‘dysthymia’ seem applicable, but if they’re applicable now then they’ve been applicable continually since early childhood and they didn’t prevent me from working in the past. I do not honestly believe that I am too depressed to function in the workforce on a general basis, but I will concede that my general personality is not ideal for a job in the service industry, which is about the only industry that I am now and likely ever will be qualified to work in. So, there is a roundabout relevancy to the observation. Insofar as this is my personality, and the issue is perhaps wholly described in these terms, this is not a resolvable issue without some form of drug use or psycho-therapy. Is it worth the state’s time and energy to put a hopelessly apathetic personality type through therapy so that it can flip burgers for minimum wage? Excuse me for being jaded by the prospect.
I hope you’ll excuse my biases in favour of empiricism over deductive reasoning, but perhaps the better argument in favour of my inability to work is the fact that I’ve been so unsuccessful in the work force over the last several years. My last period of ‘gainful employment’ ended in mid-2008 due to a layoff. I was then fired twice in 2008, both times due to chronic tardiness that was brought on by symptoms that seem consistent with the diagnosis of dysthymia, before heading back to school to study computer science, partially as a result of being unable to find steady employment. I felt targeted by my professors over the next few years due to the fact that I rarely attended classes. I rarely attended classes due to issues of social anxiety; while I’ve never needed to sit in class to keep up and my grades have always been above the curve, most professors were not sensitive to this at all and, in staggering displays of counter-productive ignorance, decided to pick me out and make an example of me. This led to two predictable outcomes. First, I was forced to stand up for myself and challenge several professors through administrative means. I won every fight. Second, I was then even less likely to attend classes due to the increased social anxieties of being singled out by professors and peers. As an aside, I think that there should be mandatory training for professors about the issue of social anxiety and why it prevents some students from attending class or working in groups. Certainly, making an example of students for ‘truancy’ under ignorant assumptions should be viewed not just as unacceptable and unprofessional but as criminal harassment. Over time, I became paranoid and suspicious of all professors and teaching assistants under the empirical deduction that they seemed to be purposefully singling me out, which made me even more anxious, even more upset and excessively confrontational. I eventually forced myself out of the program a credit short of graduation; I do not feel that I can complete the program with an objective evaluation at this particular institution. My GPA in the program is above 10 out of 12, which is an A.
Accepting that it was best to cut my losses and start fresh, it was in the fall of 2010 that I forced myself out of the program in order to raise the income necessary to undergo gender transition. I’ve been unable to find any significant employment since then. The few jobs that I’ve been able to find have been either part time or commission-based, and I’ve been fired from all of them, except one - a part-time job at a company that was short-staffed and in the process of bankruptcy. When the company eventually failed, I lost employment.
How many interviews have I been to over the last year and a half? I’ve been to several hundred of them, and in every industry imaginable. I’ve been to dozens and dozens of fast food interviews, including at several of the same restaurants multiple times, and simply cannot get anybody in the industry to hire me. Dysthymia may be to blame, as may be transphobia. To be blunt, I think the culprit is more likely to be a combination of ageism and reverse-classism. With no recent service industry experience, an advanced education and being above the age of 30, this is simply not an option that is open to me. Unfortunately, it’s also the only option that I have without going to school again. If I am accepted into disability, I may indeed enroll in correspondent classes at the other local university with the hopes of putting myself in a better long term self-employment situation.
I was first diagnosed with gender dysphoria more than ten years ago. I’ve always felt as though I am female, but was taught (primarily by my mother) to suppress those feelings as abnormal and wrong. My mother, overall, has had a haunting effect on my life. She suffers from paranoia, schizophrenia and drug and alcohol abuse; she was extremely emotionally negligent and abusive towards me for most of my young childhood, which has left me deeply codependent and very strongly attracted to exploitative and abusive relationships. A few months into transition, I fell into one of these deeply abusive relationships with a young girl that convinced me to stop hormone therapy. We went our ways several years later; I have arguably yet to recover from the emotional damage she caused me, but going back into transition is a positive step forward in the proper direction of the recovery of my ego and self-confidence.
As I’ve been unable to find employment for the last year and a half, I’ve had to rely on the help of family members. My father is wealthy, but I am not welcome in his home due to issues of transphobia. He helped me for a little while and then cut me off in a sink or swim scenario. I ended up getting evicted from my apartment, losing most of my belongings and moving into the spare room in my elderly grandmother’s apartment, which is where I am currently. My grandmother is a compassionate woman but she lives on a fixed income and cannot afford to take care of me indefinitely. I need to find an alternate solution.
Welfare has not been a valid solution. The maximum monthly amount is not sufficient for any individual to exist upon; as I am currently not paying rent, it’s been cut down to $200/month, which I find to be remarkable. My medication is almost $200/month! The idea of me raising enough money to move away from my grandmother through welfare is laughable. I cannot find employment. I cannot function socially. I cannot stay here forever. Without some kind of significant state intervention, my future, then, appears to be either in homelessness or prostitution or both.
I went to the doctor to try and understand what the causes of the problems I’ve been experiencing are and don’t feel I’ve walked away with a deeper insight than I had before. Depression that is so weak that it cannot even be called depression? That seems so trivial, and so unworthy of aid. However, when the diagnosis is put in the context of what I’ve experienced over the last several years, perhaps a larger pattern emerges. Perhaps my social and contentedness problems are at the root of my inability to find employment and, if that is truly the case, then perhaps, and despite years of denial, I do qualify for disability.
Hopefully, this will be the short term solution that allows me to rebuild my life in the face of an adversity that is larger than I am able to conquer through sheer willpower and hard work. I feel I’ve run out of other options and am asking you for aid out of desperation.
Jessica
2) odsp essay.rtf.
Re: can you please check the storage for boxes
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
i really wish i had paid better attention. i was in such a haze that week...
i believe you when you say you can't find anything else. i sort of specifically remember taking a few things down off the wall at the last minute, though. i sort of fear a box may have been taken from beside your car. those pictures would have been destroyed if they were left out there, anyways.
i have a list of about 100 things that have disappeared. everything from a mandolin to a blender; weird things, like half of the keys from my synthesizer, inexplicable things like my blanket. it seems like she just went through and helped herself to whatever she wanted.
i'm doing well, besides that.
To: grandmother’s email address
i really wish i had paid better attention. i was in such a haze that week...
i believe you when you say you can't find anything else. i sort of specifically remember taking a few things down off the wall at the last minute, though. i sort of fear a box may have been taken from beside your car. those pictures would have been destroyed if they were left out there, anyways.
i have a list of about 100 things that have disappeared. everything from a mandolin to a blender; weird things, like half of the keys from my synthesizer, inexplicable things like my blanket. it seems like she just went through and helped herself to whatever she wanted.
i'm doing well, besides that.
odsp essay
Hello.
I apologize for the late response, but I had a very difficult several weeks and needed some time to reflect before attempting to engage with anybody in any kind of official capacity. My relationship with my father was slightly strained over the last few years of his life, but it remains a loss that I am likely to feel deeply for many years to come.
I understand that I need to explain my decision to move to Windsor, and will gladly do so. I may even go so far as to suggest to your office that it is a process you should actively involve yourselves with on a regular basis, as the process would have been less erratic had I had a little bit of help with it. I also feel that many people that live on ODSP in Ottawa could have their quality of life profoundly increased by relocating somewhere where the cost of living is dramatically lower. Within that sentence lies the core of my reason to relocate, but it is void of any kind of context. My diagnosis is PTSD, but I feel my condition is more in the schizo-affective spectrum (and merely driven by stress), so to get a proper grasp of the situation requires creating the context through narrative. I'm willing to acknowledge at this point that I ended up signing a lease in Windsor as a function of a stress-driven episode or breakdown; while I hope it is by more than pure coincidence, I do also feel very strongly that it was a positive decision that will help me accomplish the goals that I have.
The first thing that needs to be understood would be the rather hopeless conditions I was living in. I stayed in my grandmother's spare room (in a two bedroom apartment) from approximately November, 2011 until July, 2013. She allowed me to stay there because I had nowhere else to go, and it was a safe and stable place for me, but she was openly hostile about the fact that she did not want me there and threatened to throw me out on multiple occasions. By this July passed, I had already missed several deadlines related to me leaving and was expecting to be forcefully ejected around September if I was unable to find anywhere else to go. However, I also knew that I would be unable to find anywhere else to go, so I was more or less just waiting out the time and planning for whatever drastic actions that the inevitable would force into being. In my case, that meant drinking a lot of alcohol with a close friend of mine and ranting out various depression-fueled ballads.
It would be an error to accuse me of a lack of effort. I state this in defense, and indignantly, as it should go without saying that failure does not imply a deficit of labour as much as it implies a deficit of ability; when we fail, we generally don't do so because we didn't try hard enough, we do so because our strongest efforts were not good enough. To create a market society that necessarily produces losers and then blame the losers is an incoherent position, logically; it is the system that produces losers, who are victims, and the system that must change to get people out of that situation. Should I or anybody else claw their way out, it would merely relegate another to the position. There's no net gain by focusing on the individual, merely a continuation of the harmful mindset that has precluded the problem of splitting society into winners and losers.
That being said, it seemed as though I found something in June, but the price seemed too good to be true and the conditions on the lease demonstrated as much. I applied for several places throughout June and July but was systemically rejected from all of them. While I was never able to get a response back on what the precise issues may have been, I can take a few guesses - my credit is very bad, there are societal stigmas against people that are unable to work due to disabilities (and many people that question if this is actually really true), I am openly transgendered and I have a deeper concept of classical Greek (albeit not much) than I do of business-normality. Business-minded people tend to interpret me as childish; while the feeling is mutual, artists don't tend to be property agents so there wasn't much chance of me finding somebody I could see eye-to-eye with. The reality is that finding an apartment in Ottawa is something I would not have been able to do without some help from a body of some sort, such as subsidized housing.
This is a good place to bring up the cost of housing in Ottawa, which is beyond what an ODSP living expenses allotment can be reasonably considered to allow for. You don't have to take my word for this. There was a white paper issued some time last year (Brighter Prospects: Transforming Social Assistance in Ontario. Frances Lankin and Munir A. Sheikh) with a *key recommendation* to calculate living expenses through a market-dependent formula on a city-by-city basis to compensate for the differences in rent prices across the province. In a city such as Sudbury, $479/month may come close to providing for shelter. In Ottawa, it is difficult to find a room for $479/month; bachelors usually run over $700 and one bedrooms run close to $900, generally not including utilities. The white paper suggested increasing living expenses in Ottawa to account for this higher market cost while keeping amounts in Sudbury steady (or perhaps even decreasing the shelter amount). I am not surprised that the government has completely ignored this recommendation in favour of hiding a push for workfare behind a phony attack on ableism. However, the white paper demonstrates that this is a problem that exists, that the government is failing to react to it (or even acknowledge it) and that finding a solution is imperative. As the government will not act to increase the living expenses allowance, I feel anything that I might do to compensate should be commended and possibly studied as a model of action. Certainly, *somebody* has to do something about this.
The places I applied for in Ottawa were at 80-90% of my monthly check and would have made living day-to-day extremely difficult. They were the cheapest places I could find that I could have actually lived in. I would have likely been unable to afford proper nourishment for myself, clothes, entertainment, or much of anything else besides the cost of rent and food. While I can survive for very long periods on spaghetti and books, that's not much of any kind of existence. I often found myself asking the following question: if they wish to kill the weak, why not just go ahead and do so? Why bother letting us live if the result is a sort of torturous boredom? Did I want to bother with that kind of existence? I was seriously contemplating suicide.
There are various solutions that could be proposed. One is to find a rooming house, but this wouldn't be possible for me. The reason I'm on disability is that I can't function socially. Putting me into a rooming house is going to exacerbate the problem and throw me into a series of episodic fits. In order to maintain sound mental health, I need to spend a large amount of time (probably close to 90% of it) completely alone - not with an animal, not with a partner, nobody at all except me. So, this is an option that is out of the question. A second would be to get a job, but I'm facing two barriers in relation to this. The first barrier is that I've found finding employment to be very difficult (discrimination due to gender expression, artist/business incompatibility and other more traditional reasons such as a lack of any kind of non-academic experience relative to my age) and the second is again that I'm on disability due to an inability to function socially and could not work *enough* hours to compensate, anyways. A third option was to wait for the condo boom to lead to a crash in the price of rent, but that could take up to ten years and I had to find an answer as soon as possible.
So, there didn't really seem to be a solution, and often the only thing that made sense was to get drunk and drown away the hopelessness....
....until a friend of mine completely accidentally provided me with a solution I hadn't really contemplated: she suggested I move out of Ottawa with her. At first, I wrote the idea off entirely as something I couldn't afford to organize. However, the more I looked into it, the more I realized how beneficial it would be to me if I could find a way to get it done.
She picked Windsor as a destination, and I ended up here before her, but that didn't automatically place me here. The entire area of southern Ontario has rent at half the price of Ottawa. Even Toronto has areas of low rent housing...
What I began to see as I was studying the rental markets of cities in Ontario is that it isn't Windsor that is exceedingly cheap (although it is one of the cheapest places), but Ottawa that is outrageously expensive. Worse, from my perspective, is that Ottawa simply doesn't have a low rent market. Rent is mildly cheaper in Vanier, but pretty much consistent across town. I can only guess at reasons for this. It is possible to find a one-bedroom apartment in the less safe areas of Toronto for under $479/month; why isn't that true in Ottawa? Is it because there aren't unsafe areas in Ottawa? Is it because there is a chronic shortage of subsidized housing in Ottawa and this artificially inflates the cost of rent? Whatever the reason, I need to be clear about the precise nature of this subtle point. It may be true that Toronto is more expensive than Ottawa *on average* once you've worked in all of the ridiculously expensive suites on Yonge Street that there is not really a parallel to in Ottawa, either. However, if you're on ODSP or welfare or even working minimum wage, your options for cheap rent in Toronto are considerably better; from the perspective of looking at the market from the bottom up, Ottawa is incomparably more expensive than Toronto. It is the most expensive place to live in Ontario, whereas Windsor is one of the cheapest.
Coming to this realization was actually very important, as it made me realize that the situation was not hopeless after all - I just happened to be stuck in the most expensive city in the province, by whatever unfortunate twist of randomness. So long as I could find a way out of Ottawa, things might be OK after all.
It was decided, then, that we'd go down to Windsor to observe the situation. She had friends we could stay with. No decisions about Windsor were made at that point; I thought it would be a good idea to take a strong survey of the entire area southeast and southwest of Toronto before any serious decisions were made and decided to do that by hitchhiking. Things worked out a little differently...
Before I left, I wanted to spend some time with my father who was at the end stages of terminal brain cancer. After three unsuccessful attempts at surgery, he stopped taking his chemotherapy drugs at the beginning of July. This was a conscious end-of-life decision; the third surgery left him with some brain damage, and a fourth surgery would have almost certainly left him severely brain damaged if it didn't kill him outright. While my stepmother assured me that he'd be alive when I got back, I didn't know how long I'd be gone and didn't want to miss the opportunity to have a real and serious goodbye. The night before I left, we had a very emotional phone call that I felt was a permanent goodbye (he was losing control of his face muscles and therefore his ability to talk), and it triggered me into a state of passive mania for the next week or so that subsequent events only exacerbated. I was getting updates about the situation every few days as I was traveling. As it is, my father died on Sunday, July 28th while I was sleeping in a Tim Horton's in Windsor; I signed a lease on Monday, July 29th to move in for August 1st without any ability to finance, with the sole aim of getting home in time for the funeral. The reality is that I was in a haze the whole time I was gone, was not behaving particularly rationally and barely remember large portions of the week at all. For somebody with stress-related issues, that's a whole lot of stress to try and deal with without reacting in a less than ideal manner.
I did, however, get a place in Windsor; and I did make it home for the funeral. I may have wanted, ideally, to spend a little more time shopping in the area by hitching rides from town to town, but my willingness to do that was itself perhaps symptomatic of the mania I was feeling all week (was I avoiding the pain of facing up to my father's death by escaping town?) and in the end the place I got is something I couldn't afford to have rented in Ottawa. Everything else aside, I feel this is a smart decision that will help me live more comfortably on a very small income.
I was able to finance first and last ($1300) by taking a loan from my stepmother, and I borrowed roughly that from my biological mother's friend (who was gracious enough to drive) to rent a U-haul for 800 miles and pay for gas. If there are any kinds of programs (such as the discretionary moving allowance, or first/last rent helper startups) that are available to help me pay some of this back, it would help me make this fresh start truly fresh. It's going to take a long time to pay back $2500.
To answer the question as to why I would move to Windsor, briefly: I simply could not afford to live independently in Ottawa.
I have attached the essay I initially sent to ODSP a little over a year ago, where I explain the reasons I applied for ODSP and what I hoped to get from it. I do feel as though this move is a major step in getting me along in the process. To update the situation, I spent the 2012-2013 school year studying Law at Carleton University (and completed a minor in the subject). I feel this helped me work through some personal issues, but do not think I am well suited for a career in this field.
I am not sure what kind of employment opportunities exist in Windsor, but I am not convinced it particularly matters because I am not confident about my abilities to convince an employer to hire me in the first place. The reality is this: If I am unable to compete with teenagers for service jobs in Ottawa, moving to Windsor is not going to increase my chances, but is not going to significantly harm them either. I am unlikely to find a job either way. I am more likely to secure employment through luck or systemic aid than I am through competition on the open job market. I don’t need more schooling – I have far too much schooling – I need some kind of targeted job training and I need some experience doing something useful (32 years old and with no experience doing anything except reading books is a significant employment hurdle). About the best thing (and the most realistic thing) I can say is that my luck may be better here in Windsor than it was in Ottawa. However, I’m not holding my breath. I’ll just have to see what happens.
Jessica
I apologize for the late response, but I had a very difficult several weeks and needed some time to reflect before attempting to engage with anybody in any kind of official capacity. My relationship with my father was slightly strained over the last few years of his life, but it remains a loss that I am likely to feel deeply for many years to come.
I understand that I need to explain my decision to move to Windsor, and will gladly do so. I may even go so far as to suggest to your office that it is a process you should actively involve yourselves with on a regular basis, as the process would have been less erratic had I had a little bit of help with it. I also feel that many people that live on ODSP in Ottawa could have their quality of life profoundly increased by relocating somewhere where the cost of living is dramatically lower. Within that sentence lies the core of my reason to relocate, but it is void of any kind of context. My diagnosis is PTSD, but I feel my condition is more in the schizo-affective spectrum (and merely driven by stress), so to get a proper grasp of the situation requires creating the context through narrative. I'm willing to acknowledge at this point that I ended up signing a lease in Windsor as a function of a stress-driven episode or breakdown; while I hope it is by more than pure coincidence, I do also feel very strongly that it was a positive decision that will help me accomplish the goals that I have.
The first thing that needs to be understood would be the rather hopeless conditions I was living in. I stayed in my grandmother's spare room (in a two bedroom apartment) from approximately November, 2011 until July, 2013. She allowed me to stay there because I had nowhere else to go, and it was a safe and stable place for me, but she was openly hostile about the fact that she did not want me there and threatened to throw me out on multiple occasions. By this July passed, I had already missed several deadlines related to me leaving and was expecting to be forcefully ejected around September if I was unable to find anywhere else to go. However, I also knew that I would be unable to find anywhere else to go, so I was more or less just waiting out the time and planning for whatever drastic actions that the inevitable would force into being. In my case, that meant drinking a lot of alcohol with a close friend of mine and ranting out various depression-fueled ballads.
It would be an error to accuse me of a lack of effort. I state this in defense, and indignantly, as it should go without saying that failure does not imply a deficit of labour as much as it implies a deficit of ability; when we fail, we generally don't do so because we didn't try hard enough, we do so because our strongest efforts were not good enough. To create a market society that necessarily produces losers and then blame the losers is an incoherent position, logically; it is the system that produces losers, who are victims, and the system that must change to get people out of that situation. Should I or anybody else claw their way out, it would merely relegate another to the position. There's no net gain by focusing on the individual, merely a continuation of the harmful mindset that has precluded the problem of splitting society into winners and losers.
That being said, it seemed as though I found something in June, but the price seemed too good to be true and the conditions on the lease demonstrated as much. I applied for several places throughout June and July but was systemically rejected from all of them. While I was never able to get a response back on what the precise issues may have been, I can take a few guesses - my credit is very bad, there are societal stigmas against people that are unable to work due to disabilities (and many people that question if this is actually really true), I am openly transgendered and I have a deeper concept of classical Greek (albeit not much) than I do of business-normality. Business-minded people tend to interpret me as childish; while the feeling is mutual, artists don't tend to be property agents so there wasn't much chance of me finding somebody I could see eye-to-eye with. The reality is that finding an apartment in Ottawa is something I would not have been able to do without some help from a body of some sort, such as subsidized housing.
This is a good place to bring up the cost of housing in Ottawa, which is beyond what an ODSP living expenses allotment can be reasonably considered to allow for. You don't have to take my word for this. There was a white paper issued some time last year (Brighter Prospects: Transforming Social Assistance in Ontario. Frances Lankin and Munir A. Sheikh) with a *key recommendation* to calculate living expenses through a market-dependent formula on a city-by-city basis to compensate for the differences in rent prices across the province. In a city such as Sudbury, $479/month may come close to providing for shelter. In Ottawa, it is difficult to find a room for $479/month; bachelors usually run over $700 and one bedrooms run close to $900, generally not including utilities. The white paper suggested increasing living expenses in Ottawa to account for this higher market cost while keeping amounts in Sudbury steady (or perhaps even decreasing the shelter amount). I am not surprised that the government has completely ignored this recommendation in favour of hiding a push for workfare behind a phony attack on ableism. However, the white paper demonstrates that this is a problem that exists, that the government is failing to react to it (or even acknowledge it) and that finding a solution is imperative. As the government will not act to increase the living expenses allowance, I feel anything that I might do to compensate should be commended and possibly studied as a model of action. Certainly, *somebody* has to do something about this.
The places I applied for in Ottawa were at 80-90% of my monthly check and would have made living day-to-day extremely difficult. They were the cheapest places I could find that I could have actually lived in. I would have likely been unable to afford proper nourishment for myself, clothes, entertainment, or much of anything else besides the cost of rent and food. While I can survive for very long periods on spaghetti and books, that's not much of any kind of existence. I often found myself asking the following question: if they wish to kill the weak, why not just go ahead and do so? Why bother letting us live if the result is a sort of torturous boredom? Did I want to bother with that kind of existence? I was seriously contemplating suicide.
There are various solutions that could be proposed. One is to find a rooming house, but this wouldn't be possible for me. The reason I'm on disability is that I can't function socially. Putting me into a rooming house is going to exacerbate the problem and throw me into a series of episodic fits. In order to maintain sound mental health, I need to spend a large amount of time (probably close to 90% of it) completely alone - not with an animal, not with a partner, nobody at all except me. So, this is an option that is out of the question. A second would be to get a job, but I'm facing two barriers in relation to this. The first barrier is that I've found finding employment to be very difficult (discrimination due to gender expression, artist/business incompatibility and other more traditional reasons such as a lack of any kind of non-academic experience relative to my age) and the second is again that I'm on disability due to an inability to function socially and could not work *enough* hours to compensate, anyways. A third option was to wait for the condo boom to lead to a crash in the price of rent, but that could take up to ten years and I had to find an answer as soon as possible.
So, there didn't really seem to be a solution, and often the only thing that made sense was to get drunk and drown away the hopelessness....
....until a friend of mine completely accidentally provided me with a solution I hadn't really contemplated: she suggested I move out of Ottawa with her. At first, I wrote the idea off entirely as something I couldn't afford to organize. However, the more I looked into it, the more I realized how beneficial it would be to me if I could find a way to get it done.
She picked Windsor as a destination, and I ended up here before her, but that didn't automatically place me here. The entire area of southern Ontario has rent at half the price of Ottawa. Even Toronto has areas of low rent housing...
What I began to see as I was studying the rental markets of cities in Ontario is that it isn't Windsor that is exceedingly cheap (although it is one of the cheapest places), but Ottawa that is outrageously expensive. Worse, from my perspective, is that Ottawa simply doesn't have a low rent market. Rent is mildly cheaper in Vanier, but pretty much consistent across town. I can only guess at reasons for this. It is possible to find a one-bedroom apartment in the less safe areas of Toronto for under $479/month; why isn't that true in Ottawa? Is it because there aren't unsafe areas in Ottawa? Is it because there is a chronic shortage of subsidized housing in Ottawa and this artificially inflates the cost of rent? Whatever the reason, I need to be clear about the precise nature of this subtle point. It may be true that Toronto is more expensive than Ottawa *on average* once you've worked in all of the ridiculously expensive suites on Yonge Street that there is not really a parallel to in Ottawa, either. However, if you're on ODSP or welfare or even working minimum wage, your options for cheap rent in Toronto are considerably better; from the perspective of looking at the market from the bottom up, Ottawa is incomparably more expensive than Toronto. It is the most expensive place to live in Ontario, whereas Windsor is one of the cheapest.
Coming to this realization was actually very important, as it made me realize that the situation was not hopeless after all - I just happened to be stuck in the most expensive city in the province, by whatever unfortunate twist of randomness. So long as I could find a way out of Ottawa, things might be OK after all.
It was decided, then, that we'd go down to Windsor to observe the situation. She had friends we could stay with. No decisions about Windsor were made at that point; I thought it would be a good idea to take a strong survey of the entire area southeast and southwest of Toronto before any serious decisions were made and decided to do that by hitchhiking. Things worked out a little differently...
Before I left, I wanted to spend some time with my father who was at the end stages of terminal brain cancer. After three unsuccessful attempts at surgery, he stopped taking his chemotherapy drugs at the beginning of July. This was a conscious end-of-life decision; the third surgery left him with some brain damage, and a fourth surgery would have almost certainly left him severely brain damaged if it didn't kill him outright. While my stepmother assured me that he'd be alive when I got back, I didn't know how long I'd be gone and didn't want to miss the opportunity to have a real and serious goodbye. The night before I left, we had a very emotional phone call that I felt was a permanent goodbye (he was losing control of his face muscles and therefore his ability to talk), and it triggered me into a state of passive mania for the next week or so that subsequent events only exacerbated. I was getting updates about the situation every few days as I was traveling. As it is, my father died on Sunday, July 28th while I was sleeping in a Tim Horton's in Windsor; I signed a lease on Monday, July 29th to move in for August 1st without any ability to finance, with the sole aim of getting home in time for the funeral. The reality is that I was in a haze the whole time I was gone, was not behaving particularly rationally and barely remember large portions of the week at all. For somebody with stress-related issues, that's a whole lot of stress to try and deal with without reacting in a less than ideal manner.
I did, however, get a place in Windsor; and I did make it home for the funeral. I may have wanted, ideally, to spend a little more time shopping in the area by hitching rides from town to town, but my willingness to do that was itself perhaps symptomatic of the mania I was feeling all week (was I avoiding the pain of facing up to my father's death by escaping town?) and in the end the place I got is something I couldn't afford to have rented in Ottawa. Everything else aside, I feel this is a smart decision that will help me live more comfortably on a very small income.
I was able to finance first and last ($1300) by taking a loan from my stepmother, and I borrowed roughly that from my biological mother's friend (who was gracious enough to drive) to rent a U-haul for 800 miles and pay for gas. If there are any kinds of programs (such as the discretionary moving allowance, or first/last rent helper startups) that are available to help me pay some of this back, it would help me make this fresh start truly fresh. It's going to take a long time to pay back $2500.
To answer the question as to why I would move to Windsor, briefly: I simply could not afford to live independently in Ottawa.
I have attached the essay I initially sent to ODSP a little over a year ago, where I explain the reasons I applied for ODSP and what I hoped to get from it. I do feel as though this move is a major step in getting me along in the process. To update the situation, I spent the 2012-2013 school year studying Law at Carleton University (and completed a minor in the subject). I feel this helped me work through some personal issues, but do not think I am well suited for a career in this field.
I am not sure what kind of employment opportunities exist in Windsor, but I am not convinced it particularly matters because I am not confident about my abilities to convince an employer to hire me in the first place. The reality is this: If I am unable to compete with teenagers for service jobs in Ottawa, moving to Windsor is not going to increase my chances, but is not going to significantly harm them either. I am unlikely to find a job either way. I am more likely to secure employment through luck or systemic aid than I am through competition on the open job market. I don’t need more schooling – I have far too much schooling – I need some kind of targeted job training and I need some experience doing something useful (32 years old and with no experience doing anything except reading books is a significant employment hurdle). About the best thing (and the most realistic thing) I can say is that my luck may be better here in Windsor than it was in Ottawa. However, I’m not holding my breath. I’ll just have to see what happens.
Jessica
ugh. i'm ready to pay $100/month just to turn off the fucking radio. honestly.
this pop-techno craze is horrific. never before has there been a more simplistic, watered down, completely fucking boring style of music. worse, it's hopelessly generic. you can't even tell when the songs switch. it's impossible. they're all identical. relief seems to come in the form of sappy new country that was likely written with the intent of ending up in a hallmark commercial. ugh.
i like a very wide variety of music, both very mainstream and not so much, and from just about every time period. i admit i've never liked the radio much, but it's never been so *irritating* that i've sat there sincerely wishing they'd just turn it off altogether...
this pop-techno craze is horrific. never before has there been a more simplistic, watered down, completely fucking boring style of music. worse, it's hopelessly generic. you can't even tell when the songs switch. it's impossible. they're all identical. relief seems to come in the form of sappy new country that was likely written with the intent of ending up in a hallmark commercial. ugh.
i like a very wide variety of music, both very mainstream and not so much, and from just about every time period. i admit i've never liked the radio much, but it's never been so *irritating* that i've sat there sincerely wishing they'd just turn it off altogether...
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Re: can you please check the storage for boxes
From: grandmother’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I searched through all the closets and didn't find any of your stuff. I do not recall you giving me a box to put away,other than the painting which I gave back to you.I also went down to the storage room to look & nothing there.Perhaps you have found it,I hope so.How are you doing ? I miss you & willy does too.I must run as Leo is waiting downstairs.
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I searched through all the closets and didn't find any of your stuff. I do not recall you giving me a box to put away,other than the painting which I gave back to you.I also went down to the storage room to look & nothing there.Perhaps you have found it,I hope so.How are you doing ? I miss you & willy does too.I must run as Leo is waiting downstairs.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
mom
I found out that the truck was $500.10, car was $376(but, I think that is an overestimate(some money was pocketed there).... My trip home was NOTHING BUT ABUSIVE!....I am quite enraged at this person! I really want to just get out of this sick and twisted relationship for good...But, If I decide to have anything more to do with him... I will be charging him for my help that he expects from me...Say bout $20.00 an hour will be my fee to make his meals, tidy up his place, clean his ugly old trailor.....Listen to his big dumb mouth rattle on about unintelligible bullshit! Sorry for my rant... I feel better now. How's it going?? Your pics look like you are getting the place all set up...Looks Good!
$20.00 an hr. wouldn't possibly be enough for me to have to endure the ridiculous insanity of this person!
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i suppose i'm renovating. dad would laugh at me. there's still a lot of things to do... i've written up an essay for odsp, and will fax it to ottawa on monday. but, yeah. just setting the place up.
I found out that the truck was $500.10, car was $376(but, I think that is an overestimate(some money was pocketed there).... My trip home was NOTHING BUT ABUSIVE!....I am quite enraged at this person! I really want to just get out of this sick and twisted relationship for good...But, If I decide to have anything more to do with him... I will be charging him for my help that he expects from me...Say bout $20.00 an hour will be my fee to make his meals, tidy up his place, clean his ugly old trailor.....Listen to his big dumb mouth rattle on about unintelligible bullshit! Sorry for my rant... I feel better now. How's it going?? Your pics look like you are getting the place all set up...Looks Good!
$20.00 an hr. wouldn't possibly be enough for me to have to endure the ridiculous insanity of this person!
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i suppose i'm renovating. dad would laugh at me. there's still a lot of things to do... i've written up an essay for odsp, and will fax it to ottawa on monday. but, yeah. just setting the place up.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
panorama of the studio
panorama of the studio starting here.
i need to get some kind of table or something for those keyboards. what i was using previously was the side of a bookcase, which was great because it gave me space for effects pedals underneath. if i can, i'll go find a cheap book case at ikea or something...
so, most of those effects will end up underneath whatever holds up the keyboards.
the computer will end up in it's logical place, i just need to cut the back of the desk out altogether first (i got some exacto knives today). there will be a speaker (kef studio monitors, for the audiophiles) where the pc is. the pod is under the purple blanket. that little area in front of the pc is absolutely my foot space when recording...
that's a firewire interface. it acts as a mixing console, and can record 16 tracks simultaneously, but it's really just a *sound card* and a front-end for cubase (or pro tools, or whatever). there's a disassembled electronic drum kit in the corner...
this is a good set up, because i can just glide over from the keys to the snare and whatever else
is early 80s vintage yet? that there's a pretty old bass amp. it's also a fucking loud bass amp. bass amps are multipurpose. this little area is going to hold instruments though. i'll get some stands...
i'll have a little guitar corner over here for practicing attempts at reproduction, which is something that's inherently difficult for what i do (maybe you've seen people with those little loop boxes that allow for the emulation of multiple players, but i scoff in the general direction of these things - not remotely sufficient). besides, i'm a good enough player to play three or four parts at the same time. i don't need to compensate for shit with electronic gimmicks.
i had a plan to send the pod into a nad receiver and out into a pair of celestions. i'm probably speaking guitar g(r)eek here. let us retreat to some common ground and begin anew. we all know what a marshall stack is. the marshall stack is a collection of marshalls, stacked. inside each of those marshalls is a driven speaker. those speakers are manufactured by celestion. aaaah. the celestions got damaged, unfortunately. i don't want to take the pair from the living room apart, either. i'm rambling. in this corner, be guitar shrine.
so, most of those effects will end up underneath whatever holds up the keyboards.
this is a good set up, because i can just glide over from the keys to the snare and whatever else
i had a plan to send the pod into a nad receiver and out into a pair of celestions. i'm probably speaking guitar g(r)eek here. let us retreat to some common ground and begin anew. we all know what a marshall stack is. the marshall stack is a collection of marshalls, stacked. inside each of those marshalls is a driven speaker. those speakers are manufactured by celestion. aaaah. the celestions got damaged, unfortunately. i don't want to take the pair from the living room apart, either. i'm rambling. in this corner, be guitar shrine.
Jessica Amber Murray
you left yourself logged into google. i didn't read your email. could have, though.
ESA
Ok. Uhm i forgot to log outta everything. Please dont read mah shit.
Jessica Amber Murray
don't worry, i'll only post the most embarrassing things i can find in public :P (in all honesty, you can trust me on this. i didn't even hack your facebook account.)
ESA
Hahaha i hope so. Not that theres much thats embarassing. More dirty stuff i dont want my parents to see
Also. How the hell are ya? Youre in windsor!!!!!
Hows the first four days treating you
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not too exciting so far, i've mostly been unpacking and doing fun things like putting up drapes. when i've left the house it's just been to go get stuff. I figure I should have things sorted out by friday, but I may be out of cash until the first....lol. well, this is a big move for me. i took everything i owned. like, i'm buying appliances. a month lost is sort of minor in context.
ESA
What do you mean by a month lost? Also add mackaye on FB
Jessica Amber Murray
well, just that it's going to be a month before everything is set up and life is back to normal.
you left yourself logged into google. i didn't read your email. could have, though.
ESA
Ok. Uhm i forgot to log outta everything. Please dont read mah shit.
Jessica Amber Murray
don't worry, i'll only post the most embarrassing things i can find in public :P (in all honesty, you can trust me on this. i didn't even hack your facebook account.)
ESA
Hahaha i hope so. Not that theres much thats embarassing. More dirty stuff i dont want my parents to see
Also. How the hell are ya? Youre in windsor!!!!!
Hows the first four days treating you
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not too exciting so far, i've mostly been unpacking and doing fun things like putting up drapes. when i've left the house it's just been to go get stuff. I figure I should have things sorted out by friday, but I may be out of cash until the first....lol. well, this is a big move for me. i took everything i owned. like, i'm buying appliances. a month lost is sort of minor in context.
ESA
What do you mean by a month lost? Also add mackaye on FB
Jessica Amber Murray
well, just that it's going to be a month before everything is set up and life is back to normal.
RE: things that are missing
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Everything that was moved from Lexington (stored after your eviction from Bronson) was in the boxes you moved and all the musical equipment you stored was also present when you left here on Monday.......
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Everything that was moved from Lexington (stored after your eviction from Bronson) was in the boxes you moved and all the musical equipment you stored was also present when you left here on Monday.......
things that are missing
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address, sister’s email address
i'm actually very perturbed about some of this, but i'd like to begin by merely inquiring about a few things. some of the items that are missing will be easy to replace (like a dish drainer), whereas some of them will be impossible to replace.
the following items are missing. does anybody have any idea what happened to these things:
- a winston electric mandolin. last seen in fisher park.
- a ovation 12-string guitar. last seen in fisher park.
- my blanket. it was in a plastic garbage bag. last seen in fisher park.
- a box containing tax information going back many, many years. last seen on Bronson.
- a box containing genealogical and other research. last seen on Bronson.
- sheet music from when i was taking classical lessons. last seen on Bronson.
- a box that had cassette demoes, notes, cds and other things. this box contained the demoes and other relics of the music i recorded in the 90s and early 00s. last seen on Bronson.
- dish drainer
- one dixon microphone, and the sleeve it was in. last seen on Bronson.
- a box with things that were on my wall, which included a “certificate of provenance” from the band coil and a pencil portrait that sarah made of me, amongst other things. i think my grandmother may have this box.
I've also noticed that my cd collection seems a little light. i haven't sorted through it yet, but i have it catalogued online in a database and will be able to determine precisely what is missing, down to the exact pressing.
again: i don't want to begin by being standoffish. as you can see, a large amount of this is irreplaceable. what i want is to know what happened to it, and for you to help me get it back.
as for the musical equipment, i would at this moment consider it (legally) stolen and would demand it's immediate return.
j
To: stepmother’s email address, sister’s email address
i'm actually very perturbed about some of this, but i'd like to begin by merely inquiring about a few things. some of the items that are missing will be easy to replace (like a dish drainer), whereas some of them will be impossible to replace.
the following items are missing. does anybody have any idea what happened to these things:
- a winston electric mandolin. last seen in fisher park.
- a ovation 12-string guitar. last seen in fisher park.
- my blanket. it was in a plastic garbage bag. last seen in fisher park.
- a box containing tax information going back many, many years. last seen on Bronson.
- a box containing genealogical and other research. last seen on Bronson.
- sheet music from when i was taking classical lessons. last seen on Bronson.
- a box that had cassette demoes, notes, cds and other things. this box contained the demoes and other relics of the music i recorded in the 90s and early 00s. last seen on Bronson.
- dish drainer
- one dixon microphone, and the sleeve it was in. last seen on Bronson.
- a box with things that were on my wall, which included a “certificate of provenance” from the band coil and a pencil portrait that sarah made of me, amongst other things. i think my grandmother may have this box.
I've also noticed that my cd collection seems a little light. i haven't sorted through it yet, but i have it catalogued online in a database and will be able to determine precisely what is missing, down to the exact pressing.
again: i don't want to begin by being standoffish. as you can see, a large amount of this is irreplaceable. what i want is to know what happened to it, and for you to help me get it back.
as for the musical equipment, i would at this moment consider it (legally) stolen and would demand it's immediate return.
j
can you please check the storage for boxes
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
hi.
I've got everything moved in. i'll send you some pictures when it's all set up. that's going to take a few weeks because i have to get some tables and shelves and stuff.
there are a few renovations that were left undone, as well. i'll have to ask the landlord about them. they're either not things I really care about (it looks like they were going to change the light fixture in the bathroom....not that i care that they didn't, but it would have been if they screwed the old fixture back in!) or things that will be quick to fix (the closet door in the bedroom was taken off to paint and never put back on). i'll have to do that today.
i'm certain you have a box of mine because it consisted of things i took down off the wall at the very last moment. there was a picture that sarah drew of me, a 'certificate of provenance' from a band called coil and other things that are invaluable to me. if it's not downstairs in storage, it must be in one of your closets. can you do a thorough check for me and get back to me on this?
j
To: grandmother’s email address
hi.
I've got everything moved in. i'll send you some pictures when it's all set up. that's going to take a few weeks because i have to get some tables and shelves and stuff.
there are a few renovations that were left undone, as well. i'll have to ask the landlord about them. they're either not things I really care about (it looks like they were going to change the light fixture in the bathroom....not that i care that they didn't, but it would have been if they screwed the old fixture back in!) or things that will be quick to fix (the closet door in the bedroom was taken off to paint and never put back on). i'll have to do that today.
i'm certain you have a box of mine because it consisted of things i took down off the wall at the very last moment. there was a picture that sarah drew of me, a 'certificate of provenance' from a band called coil and other things that are invaluable to me. if it's not downstairs in storage, it must be in one of your closets. can you do a thorough check for me and get back to me on this?
j
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
mom
Home now...What a nightmare on the way back! Traffic was horrible going through Toronto area. Wish we would have stayed a few days...Just rented a cheap motel room and spent more time with you...Very glad I was able to spend the time with you that I did...Wish it had been just you and I though...Miss you already! Love You.
Home now...What a nightmare on the way back! Traffic was horrible going through Toronto area. Wish we would have stayed a few days...Just rented a cheap motel room and spent more time with you...Very glad I was able to spend the time with you that I did...Wish it had been just you and I though...Miss you already! Love You.
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