From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: the surviving uncle’s email address, d’s email address
i'm sorry i have to do this. you can be certain that i don't want to do this. but my hands are being forced...
my
father wanted me to have his cds. he told me as much repeatedly over
the course of several years. there's no doubt in my mind about this.
i
want my father's cds. i have a lot of memories attached to them. i
don't care what they're worth in dollar amounts. like, his old beat up
copy of the lamb lies down on broadway is probably worth about $2. it's
priceless to me....
out of all the things that he had,
it's really all i wanted. i'm being cut out of the money, and i don't
really care as long as i get the cds that are important to me.
i'm
having a really hard time determining what happened to them. as far as i
can figure out, both my sister and my stepmother are lying to me about
it. i have no understanding of why they would do that, other than to
spite and hurt me. they have a history of behaving in ways that are
designed to spite and hurt me (and a long history of telling blatant
lies).
i asked them on monday not to sell them. apparently, some of them were sold on tuesday and some of them were sold on wednesday.
the
stepmother has told me she sold some of them, but she won't tell me who
she sold them to. i've called around a bit. i was able to buy about 20
back from vertigo. record centre says nothing came in. turning point
says the sister came in on wednesday with a handful of things and
mentioned the plan was to give the good stuff away to “his friends”.
...after i've told them i wanted them...
...and, again, there's no doubt he wanted me to have them.
i
don't want to drag you guys into this, but i don't think i'm going to
get anywhere talking to them directly. it seems to be that there's a
goal to ensure i don't get anything of his. as one example, i've asked
about the sports awards and things he won when he was younger. i know
for a fact he kept them in a box in his closet. that box contained his
precious personal possessions. there was a defensive player of the year
award, some hockey cards, some pins, some of his father's things,
etc....according to the stepmother, such a thing never existed. yet, i
know it did. she may have just thrown it out without thinking, but to
lie about it indicates the presence of a deeper prerogative to ensure i
don't get anything.
i think the easiest way to do this
while causing the minimum amount of conflict is for you guys to just
accept any discs that are offered and then let me take a look through
them. i would be hopelessly grateful for the opportunity to do that.
part
of me wants to just take everything and listen to it all very slowly,
but the reality is that there's a lot of stuff i'm more or less
indifferent to. but the stuff i am interested in - the genesis, the
zappa, the srv - is just completely priceless to me.
it's
not the music itself, i can download that for free, it's the fact that
they were his discs, and the memories attached to listening to them, to
exploring them, etc.
i know they both understand how
important the opportunity to sort through this is to me and i just don't
understand why they're being deceitful and obfuscating about it.
j
Friday, August 2, 2013
Re: cds
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address, sister’s email address
ok, so i got a bunch of them back from vertigo. some bowie, some crimson, some gabriel....these were some of the ones that were important to me.
they were very human about it and sold them back to me at cost. it was still $75 for around 25 cds. i'm going to ask you to contemplate whether that's a cost that you think i should pay out for something i'm absolutely 100% certain, with no space for doubt, that my father wanted me to have.
the ones that are most important to me are the genesis and the zappa. what happened to those ones? there was also a few other crimson discs i couldn't locate.
i also went to turning point and the record centre. the record centre had no recollection of anybody coming in, but turning point told me my sister came in yesterday with a handful of “common titles” - he mentioned that she indicated that a lot of the cds would go to “his friends”
sister, were those his cds or yours? did you sell anything there yesterday? what?
i'm going to email d and the surviving uncle. i expect that they'll give me the discs, as that's what my father would have wanted. we can skip a step, here.
i'm not angry, so much as i'm shocked. i don't care what the discs are worth on a monetary basis. the memories attached to them are priceless. a few of his discs would be the only thing of his that i wanted...
j
To: stepmother’s email address, sister’s email address
ok, so i got a bunch of them back from vertigo. some bowie, some crimson, some gabriel....these were some of the ones that were important to me.
they were very human about it and sold them back to me at cost. it was still $75 for around 25 cds. i'm going to ask you to contemplate whether that's a cost that you think i should pay out for something i'm absolutely 100% certain, with no space for doubt, that my father wanted me to have.
the ones that are most important to me are the genesis and the zappa. what happened to those ones? there was also a few other crimson discs i couldn't locate.
i also went to turning point and the record centre. the record centre had no recollection of anybody coming in, but turning point told me my sister came in yesterday with a handful of “common titles” - he mentioned that she indicated that a lot of the cds would go to “his friends”
sister, were those his cds or yours? did you sell anything there yesterday? what?
i'm going to email d and the surviving uncle. i expect that they'll give me the discs, as that's what my father would have wanted. we can skip a step, here.
i'm not angry, so much as i'm shocked. i don't care what the discs are worth on a monetary basis. the memories attached to them are priceless. a few of his discs would be the only thing of his that i wanted...
j
cds
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry if this comes off as trite, but it really isn't from my perspective, this is actually incredibly important to me.
can you tell me who you sold them to? i'm going to try and call around.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry if this comes off as trite, but it really isn't from my perspective, this is actually incredibly important to me.
can you tell me who you sold them to? i'm going to try and call around.
j
Re: moving
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
he had a box he kept all that stuff in.
j
To: sister’s email address
he had a box he kept all that stuff in.
j
Thursday, August 1, 2013
mom
K...Went online to find phone numbers for Don to call tomorrow....U-Haul....I am going to phone him back and give them to him...He will phone them to secure one....He thinks the one on Boundary Road...He knows people there....
I found a bunch more though...I will give him all the numbers....He seems to always know some-one who works at one of these places.
I told her nothing by the way.
Guess you already talked to him...
Me calling him back now...
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, u-haul is crazy expensive. i should throw that out there. it's something like $0.75/km. i don't think he can get around that. i think what you want to look for - and i can maybe help after i've had a few hours of rest but i'm really drained right now, it was a long day - is an independent company with a flat rate.
he said he'd line everything up.
mom
Don did?
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
mom
Yes...He wanted me to look up numbers for u-hauls online.
K..Just relayed the phone numbers to him...He will do his magic tomorrow. He is exhausted and so am I...Love You!....Let's all get some sleep now...
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, they do do flat rates for big mileage. i don't know what kind of deal he can get, but it looks like it's going to be about $400-500 regular price for the van, but that's flat, it's not by the kilometre. plus gas, it's getting close to $1000... if you really want to come, and it's worth it to you, great, but i do think i can get a cheaper price with a trucker. don't feel obligated. if this gets too expensive, feel free to back out.
mom
He doesn't want that runs gas...diesel he says is best...And he can jimmy they thing....He is a mechanic.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'll trust you, i'm just saying...
mom
I want to come!...He is a truck mechanic...
Let's see what he can scare up first....I know he will come though...He always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
great, i hope he does.
mom
Did you see that lightening!?
Jessica Amber Murray
i did. i can hear the thunder, too.
K...Went online to find phone numbers for Don to call tomorrow....U-Haul....I am going to phone him back and give them to him...He will phone them to secure one....He thinks the one on Boundary Road...He knows people there....
I found a bunch more though...I will give him all the numbers....He seems to always know some-one who works at one of these places.
I told her nothing by the way.
Guess you already talked to him...
Me calling him back now...
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, u-haul is crazy expensive. i should throw that out there. it's something like $0.75/km. i don't think he can get around that. i think what you want to look for - and i can maybe help after i've had a few hours of rest but i'm really drained right now, it was a long day - is an independent company with a flat rate.
he said he'd line everything up.
mom
Don did?
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
mom
Yes...He wanted me to look up numbers for u-hauls online.
K..Just relayed the phone numbers to him...He will do his magic tomorrow. He is exhausted and so am I...Love You!....Let's all get some sleep now...
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, they do do flat rates for big mileage. i don't know what kind of deal he can get, but it looks like it's going to be about $400-500 regular price for the van, but that's flat, it's not by the kilometre. plus gas, it's getting close to $1000... if you really want to come, and it's worth it to you, great, but i do think i can get a cheaper price with a trucker. don't feel obligated. if this gets too expensive, feel free to back out.
mom
He doesn't want that runs gas...diesel he says is best...And he can jimmy they thing....He is a mechanic.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'll trust you, i'm just saying...
mom
I want to come!...He is a truck mechanic...
Let's see what he can scare up first....I know he will come though...He always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
great, i hope he does.
mom
Did you see that lightening!?
Jessica Amber Murray
i did. i can hear the thunder, too.
Re: mom's money
From: sister’s email address
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
the money is at mom’s. i’m sure you’ve talked to don by now.
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
the money is at mom’s. i’m sure you’ve talked to don by now.
Re: moving
From: sister’s email address
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
i have not seen a single trophy or award in the house since they moved here. over the years i think he had got rid of any of that kind of stuff instead of moving it repeatedly.
she kept some stuff in a box for you like his sports cards and stuff like that. i don’t know what else you think was there, but i can tell you there wasn’t anything much. the only thing i’m taking is his tie clip and a bunch of pictures.
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
i have not seen a single trophy or award in the house since they moved here. over the years i think he had got rid of any of that kind of stuff instead of moving it repeatedly.
she kept some stuff in a box for you like his sports cards and stuff like that. i don’t know what else you think was there, but i can tell you there wasn’t anything much. the only thing i’m taking is his tie clip and a bunch of pictures.
RE: moving
From: stepmother’s email address
To: “’Jessica Murray’” <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
You must arrange to pack the truck in the early evening (5:30 - 9) as that is when D is available....Give me some notice.
To: “’Jessica Murray’” <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
You must arrange to pack the truck in the early evening (5:30 - 9) as that is when D is available....Give me some notice.
Re: moving
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
my sister will have more information about this, and i'm going to have to keep you updated because the plan isn't firmed yet...
...but i do NOT need to go over and measure stuff tomorrow. my mother's boyfriend is going to get a truck and the three of us will drive down there. she's really curious about the place.
now, what he's going to do is drop the truck off on monday or tuesday afternoon. i'll load it up. then we'll go either monday or tuesday night. he's just not sure what he can book yet.
i'm going to have to drop by a little before then with the remaining things. i'm going to call my grandmother in the morning before i leave. it might make the most sense to do *that* tomorrow night. it would just require opening the garage door for me, and she'll be with me. the thing is she goes away to the cottage for the weekend, so if i don't get it tomorrow night then i'll have to wait until at least monday.
either way, she'd be driving me, so i'd be there with somebody else.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
my sister will have more information about this, and i'm going to have to keep you updated because the plan isn't firmed yet...
...but i do NOT need to go over and measure stuff tomorrow. my mother's boyfriend is going to get a truck and the three of us will drive down there. she's really curious about the place.
now, what he's going to do is drop the truck off on monday or tuesday afternoon. i'll load it up. then we'll go either monday or tuesday night. he's just not sure what he can book yet.
i'm going to have to drop by a little before then with the remaining things. i'm going to call my grandmother in the morning before i leave. it might make the most sense to do *that* tomorrow night. it would just require opening the garage door for me, and she'll be with me. the thing is she goes away to the cottage for the weekend, so if i don't get it tomorrow night then i'll have to wait until at least monday.
either way, she'd be driving me, so i'd be there with somebody else.
j
venting
Jessica Amber Murray
she's already gotten rid of all of his stuff. i didn't even get the chance to look through it. i was mostly interested in the cds, but there were a lot of other little things i may have wanted to keep. i'm hoping i can buy back some of the discs...
it's just mind-bogglingly inconsiderate.
mom
Who did?...You mean your stepmother?
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. when a parent dies, it's sort of expected that the child will have the opportunity to look through things that may mean something to them. i just don't understand how she could have just tossed everything...
mom
That Really is very inconsiderate and really STINKS.
Jessica Amber Murray
like, he had all kinds of trophies and awards and stuff from sports leagues when he was a kid. i would have liked to keep a few of those. she's denying they even existed.
mom
That is HORRIBLE.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's just beyond any kind of vendetta. it's just fucking assholery. the level of asshole required is just...wow...
mom
Who has the things?
Jessica Amber Murray
how could *anybody* be such an asshole?
they're in the trash.
i'm sick of people blaming her mental problems. she's an asshole.
mom
Maybe your sister has some of his belongings too.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, she's been there. i guess she got a run through before it got tossed. still.....
i mean, if she does, she took the stuff that was meaningful to *her*. i don't want that stuff. i want the stuff that meant something to me. so, that kind of doesn't get us anywhere.
mom
I am so sorry for your horrible pain that you are experiencing right now.....
I can't really imagine....I have been fortunate so far to not be having to deal with the death of either my mother or father yet.
Think I will be dealing with the death of my own father soon...As he apparently is not doing so good these days. My mother on the other hand will outlive us all.....
Jessica Amber Murray
i mean, what should i have done here? she was giving me shit for talking money as he was dying, but she had given me a deadline to get my stuff out of her house. she can't have it both ways. further, i had asked her what his life expectancy was after going off the chemo and if i should be worried about him making it through the week or not and she told me he should still be alive when i get home. then i get an email when i'm working out the details on a place that i should come home right away. if i had come home right away with nothing, the stuff wouldn't have been out until past september. and i found a place i wanted. that was the smart thing to do, and the smart thing for her to do would be to realize it was the smart thing to do. it would have been impossible for me to go home AND get the stuff out in time, and i would have lost the place i like. i didn't say a word about any of his stuff when he was dying. i didn't think it was important then, i didn't want to sink to the level of groveling over his belongings as he's dying. i didn't bring up any kind of money or inheritance, she did. and then she broke the agreement within hours of him dying, presumably because she was upset that i didn't make it home in time, after she told me he was expected to last a least a few more weeks, and which i couldn't have reasonably done, anyways. should i have made a list of demands as he was struggling in his bed? should i have gone through his stuff in front of him? it's just fucking madness. but it's more than madness. i'm mad. legitimately. but i'm not an asshole. i would never, ever, ever do something like that, no matter how fucked i might be feeling. something like this is not mental instability. something like this is a rotten person, a person that is just bad to the core of their being...
mom
She must be dealing with her own hellish pain......When one is in such emotional pain like this(which, she must has been in for awhile now)....They are blind.
To others needs.
And perhaps even heartless...This type of being is one to be pitied really.....
Jessica Amber Murray
i said goodbye to my dad on the phone before i left. it was very dramatic. and it felt very final. my stepmother will probably live out the rest of her years sad and alone. i'm her current punching bag of choice. when i'm not around, she'll turn on my sister. and then the others in her life. she has a pattern - she lashes out at people. i don't like to pity people, i like to empathize with them. she just makes it very hard.
don hasn't called yet.
and your mother does look ridiculously good for her age. she seems to have lost a few years over the summer, strangely, she's lost some weight, too.
mom
He's supposed to call me first...He always gets into long drawn out conversations with his sister and her husband(Which, I have a problem with)....Don't love either one of them too much....But he will call. Yes, My mother is Gorgeous!.... Wish, I could look as good as her!....She just NEVER seems to age much at all.
Jessica Amber Murray
my other grandmother is still going pretty strong, too. she looks a little closer to her age, but she's going to be around for a while still...
mom
hope she is well.
Where the heck are those two birds anyways?
Jessica Amber Murray
dunno...
mom
lol...I am getting a bit impatient.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i think you've been waiting for over two hours now.
i wonder if there's something going on.
mom
Just checked my corded phone...I have to make sure it is still connected from time to time. Sometimes it get's itself stuck on the last call...But it is working fine.
I could have had a shower by now.
Oh well...
lol
Traffic doesn't appear to be too heavy..Although not sure from the slots what it's like?...Think...There must be alot of family stuff going on, I guess. She should be here soon though...I know she is very tired.
How come you didn't go to the eating there?
Jessica Amber Murray
the stepmother has requested that i do not enter her house. there is no rational explanation, other than that she's a bad person.
mom
They were all eating at the Raceway Carleton Slots.
I am going to go and kill her very soon!
your stepmother
Jessica Amber Murray
i went for lunch with his three sisters, his surviving brother, his mother and a bunch of other people....i don't know if you remember the dead uncle's friend k....my cousin (i've forgotten his name)...the oldest aunt’s wife...some other people i didn't know so well and then took the bus home. i guess i just wasn't invited.
mom
Smurfalina is here now!
I just buzzed her in.
Jessica Amber Murray
k
mom
Do you want to talk to her?
On here?
Jessica Amber Murray
i can wait until later, over email. i'd really rather she doesn't read this.
mom
She's not actually inside the unit yet.
K....Love you!...
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. but, yeah. she has flappy lips. you don't need to tell her what i said about the stepmother.
i'll talk to you later.
she's already gotten rid of all of his stuff. i didn't even get the chance to look through it. i was mostly interested in the cds, but there were a lot of other little things i may have wanted to keep. i'm hoping i can buy back some of the discs...
it's just mind-bogglingly inconsiderate.
mom
Who did?...You mean your stepmother?
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. when a parent dies, it's sort of expected that the child will have the opportunity to look through things that may mean something to them. i just don't understand how she could have just tossed everything...
mom
That Really is very inconsiderate and really STINKS.
Jessica Amber Murray
like, he had all kinds of trophies and awards and stuff from sports leagues when he was a kid. i would have liked to keep a few of those. she's denying they even existed.
mom
That is HORRIBLE.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's just beyond any kind of vendetta. it's just fucking assholery. the level of asshole required is just...wow...
mom
Who has the things?
Jessica Amber Murray
how could *anybody* be such an asshole?
they're in the trash.
i'm sick of people blaming her mental problems. she's an asshole.
mom
Maybe your sister has some of his belongings too.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, she's been there. i guess she got a run through before it got tossed. still.....
i mean, if she does, she took the stuff that was meaningful to *her*. i don't want that stuff. i want the stuff that meant something to me. so, that kind of doesn't get us anywhere.
mom
I am so sorry for your horrible pain that you are experiencing right now.....
I can't really imagine....I have been fortunate so far to not be having to deal with the death of either my mother or father yet.
Think I will be dealing with the death of my own father soon...As he apparently is not doing so good these days. My mother on the other hand will outlive us all.....
Jessica Amber Murray
i mean, what should i have done here? she was giving me shit for talking money as he was dying, but she had given me a deadline to get my stuff out of her house. she can't have it both ways. further, i had asked her what his life expectancy was after going off the chemo and if i should be worried about him making it through the week or not and she told me he should still be alive when i get home. then i get an email when i'm working out the details on a place that i should come home right away. if i had come home right away with nothing, the stuff wouldn't have been out until past september. and i found a place i wanted. that was the smart thing to do, and the smart thing for her to do would be to realize it was the smart thing to do. it would have been impossible for me to go home AND get the stuff out in time, and i would have lost the place i like. i didn't say a word about any of his stuff when he was dying. i didn't think it was important then, i didn't want to sink to the level of groveling over his belongings as he's dying. i didn't bring up any kind of money or inheritance, she did. and then she broke the agreement within hours of him dying, presumably because she was upset that i didn't make it home in time, after she told me he was expected to last a least a few more weeks, and which i couldn't have reasonably done, anyways. should i have made a list of demands as he was struggling in his bed? should i have gone through his stuff in front of him? it's just fucking madness. but it's more than madness. i'm mad. legitimately. but i'm not an asshole. i would never, ever, ever do something like that, no matter how fucked i might be feeling. something like this is not mental instability. something like this is a rotten person, a person that is just bad to the core of their being...
mom
She must be dealing with her own hellish pain......When one is in such emotional pain like this(which, she must has been in for awhile now)....They are blind.
To others needs.
And perhaps even heartless...This type of being is one to be pitied really.....
Jessica Amber Murray
i said goodbye to my dad on the phone before i left. it was very dramatic. and it felt very final. my stepmother will probably live out the rest of her years sad and alone. i'm her current punching bag of choice. when i'm not around, she'll turn on my sister. and then the others in her life. she has a pattern - she lashes out at people. i don't like to pity people, i like to empathize with them. she just makes it very hard.
don hasn't called yet.
and your mother does look ridiculously good for her age. she seems to have lost a few years over the summer, strangely, she's lost some weight, too.
mom
He's supposed to call me first...He always gets into long drawn out conversations with his sister and her husband(Which, I have a problem with)....Don't love either one of them too much....But he will call. Yes, My mother is Gorgeous!.... Wish, I could look as good as her!....She just NEVER seems to age much at all.
Jessica Amber Murray
my other grandmother is still going pretty strong, too. she looks a little closer to her age, but she's going to be around for a while still...
mom
hope she is well.
Where the heck are those two birds anyways?
Jessica Amber Murray
dunno...
mom
lol...I am getting a bit impatient.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i think you've been waiting for over two hours now.
i wonder if there's something going on.
mom
Just checked my corded phone...I have to make sure it is still connected from time to time. Sometimes it get's itself stuck on the last call...But it is working fine.
I could have had a shower by now.
Oh well...
lol
Traffic doesn't appear to be too heavy..Although not sure from the slots what it's like?...Think...There must be alot of family stuff going on, I guess. She should be here soon though...I know she is very tired.
How come you didn't go to the eating there?
Jessica Amber Murray
the stepmother has requested that i do not enter her house. there is no rational explanation, other than that she's a bad person.
mom
They were all eating at the Raceway Carleton Slots.
I am going to go and kill her very soon!
your stepmother
Jessica Amber Murray
i went for lunch with his three sisters, his surviving brother, his mother and a bunch of other people....i don't know if you remember the dead uncle's friend k....my cousin (i've forgotten his name)...the oldest aunt’s wife...some other people i didn't know so well and then took the bus home. i guess i just wasn't invited.
mom
Smurfalina is here now!
I just buzzed her in.
Jessica Amber Murray
k
mom
Do you want to talk to her?
On here?
Jessica Amber Murray
i can wait until later, over email. i'd really rather she doesn't read this.
mom
She's not actually inside the unit yet.
K....Love you!...
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. but, yeah. she has flappy lips. you don't need to tell her what i said about the stepmother.
i'll talk to you later.
Re: moving
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
did you sell the cds in a store? which store? how long ago? do you have the exact date (or close to it)? if i go in and explain, they might sell the ones i wanted to keep back to me at cost.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
did you sell the cds in a store? which store? how long ago? do you have the exact date (or close to it)? if i go in and explain, they might sell the ones i wanted to keep back to me at cost.
j
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm leaving tuesday night. my mom wants to see the place, so she's going to drive me with her boyfriend. i think the van is likely to be mostly packed, but there may be spot for a few extra things if you want to send things down early. i don't know how you're doing this, but if you think you'd benefit from getting your piano or something else down early i can likely swing that...
ESA
I don't have a piano. I would get one in Windsor.
possibly. but they also have practice rooms at the school.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i meant the electric one. there's not space for a grand in there.
ESA
oh no. I need it here so I can practice.
Jessica Amber Murray
fair enough. just offerin' what i gots.
ESA
thanks anyways :D
ok, i'm leaving tuesday night. my mom wants to see the place, so she's going to drive me with her boyfriend. i think the van is likely to be mostly packed, but there may be spot for a few extra things if you want to send things down early. i don't know how you're doing this, but if you think you'd benefit from getting your piano or something else down early i can likely swing that...
ESA
I don't have a piano. I would get one in Windsor.
possibly. but they also have practice rooms at the school.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i meant the electric one. there's not space for a grand in there.
ESA
oh no. I need it here so I can practice.
Jessica Amber Murray
fair enough. just offerin' what i gots.
ESA
thanks anyways :D
concrete plans to actually move to windsor
mom
Talked to Don...He is willing. He doesn't want to drive his own truck though....No insurance, nor license plates on it anymore. But is willing to secure a truck and drive it. He wants to know how much stuff you have so to know what size of truck to rent. He is going to call you later tonight and talk to you himself.
Jessica Amber Murray
alright. did he want to take the bus back? that would be cheaper.
(gas)
mom
We all three will be in the truck(dog too)...Him and I(and dog)...Will have to rest a bit and then just drive back.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. my sister is being weird about giving me the money tomorrow. she wants to give it to you instead. i dunno.
mom
He is thinking of dropping the truck off at your location(I guess your father's?)...And you will have to be responsible for load up....On I think either Monday or Tuesday....We will all leave probably on probably Tuesday night....
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. that should work fine. but they charge you by the day. would make sense to drop it on the same day we're leaving.
mom
Yes..He has friends in the business, so can secure a cheaper rate.
Jessica Amber Murray
swell. ok, well i think i should be ok with either the biggest budget van or the smallest truck.
i think the van should probably be ok, but if he's getting a special rate, maybe the smallest truck might be a better idea just to be safe.
mom
Yes...your sister is supposed to drop by later with the money....Don will take care of securing the truck...He just wanted to know how much stuff you have. He is going to call you later...Will you be at Nanny's?
A valid driver's license along with a credit card is needed.
It will be his.
I have to pay him back though....And he wants $200.00 for himself. I was a bit taken aback by his demand really..But, I think it will still be cheaper in the long run.
Have to pay for all meals and coffees as well...He say's he doesn't want it to cost him a nickel. Fine!.......He will lose 2 day's pay...Whatever.
That's what the 200 lousy bucks is about....K...Whatever. I agree..Do You?
Agreed.
Whatever is left is for you.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm looking at this cash as yours. it's certainly the *easiest* way. can you budget it, though? 200 - don 450 - gas 100? - food ? rental it's adding up. if i can find a straight driver and send them home on the bus, it's $450. i may be able to do even cheaper using a trucker. i'm kind of feeling a little bit guilty getting you to pay for this and sort of want it to be as cheap as possible. i was planning on giving you what was left back, in all honesty. so, i mean...i think it's up to you... this is guaranteed, and it's safe, but it's going to cost you more in the end.
the thing is if you're both coming then the bus back doesn't save much money; 225 for gas vs. roughly that for two bus tickets.
...but if just one of you comes it's a lot cheaper... i guess it depends if the experience is worth it to you or not.
mom
I would love to see your new place and get to experience a little of where you will be existing. It is worth it to me.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, so i guess we're planning for that. we're going to be there wednesday morning, then? i have to call the guy.
mom
What Guy?...Don will secure the truck....He is going to call you later at Nanny's?
Will you be at Nanny's tonight around 9 or so?
Jessica Amber Murray
the guy in windsor. he wants to know when we'll be there.
i should be here tonight, yeah.
mom
He is going to call you and will talk to you himself.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok
mom
K
Prolly Wednesday....Tell him then.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'll call him tomorrow, i should talk to don first.
mom
Yes....True.
I am looking forward to our road-trip adventure together!..... <3 ;) (y) :)
Jessica Amber Murray
lol
mom
No drugs and alcohol allowed though!...I was told very firmly...K...I can abide for sure. Coffees from Timmy's is welcome!....Smoking tobacco is unfortunate(I know)...Will be involved.
Jessica Amber Murray
i still smoke tobacco. my sister was saying you were worried i was going to spend the money on drugs. i don't actually do drugs. i smoke a mild amount of pot socially (i rarely pay for it), and i might do mushrooms roughly once a year but that's really it. i'm not a drug person....
mom
Glad to hear!...I am just an old worry wart. An Old Mother Hen, A Protective Mother Bear Of Her Precious Cubs.
Jessica Amber Murray
i have been drinking more than usual lately, but it's mostly because i'm bored. that should cut down when i get my studio set back up.
mom
I think that is my main reason for drinking as well.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i don't drink like you do, that's for sure...just a few a night...but it's been fairly frequent...
mom
' :o .. :)
I have a feeling that your sister will be here shortly. Charlie Brown is pacing and telling me.....
He just pooed on his doggy diaper...And that is a sign...That someone is on their way...Funny how animals are so damn psychic!
Don't think she will stay long....Cause I look scarier than the classic witch cartoon!...LOL....I will look better though when you see me...I promise...Although you may secretly disagree!..... ;)
Hope Don doesn't show up here too!..He's supposed to go home and call you from his place...His number is **********. I am just too ugly and stinky(for sure) right now. Think Nanny still has that service on her phone..When you see that number.....Answer it.....You will hear his voice anyway.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i'll pick it up when he calls.
mom
Hope your sister show ups soon...I just want to lay my weary old head down for about 6 hours at least. Again, I will be a bit of a disappointment to her..Stink, Scarey look and all...But there is nothing i can do about it at the moment. If, I disappear into the shower, I will miss her.
Jessica Amber Murray
i suppose she called?
mom
No...She isn't supposed to call again...Just show up.
I suppose I should be making a better effort to have a better personal appearance....But, I simply have no energy at all anymore. I am exhausted...I am sure she is as well, and will understand.
Talked to Don...He is willing. He doesn't want to drive his own truck though....No insurance, nor license plates on it anymore. But is willing to secure a truck and drive it. He wants to know how much stuff you have so to know what size of truck to rent. He is going to call you later tonight and talk to you himself.
Jessica Amber Murray
alright. did he want to take the bus back? that would be cheaper.
(gas)
mom
We all three will be in the truck(dog too)...Him and I(and dog)...Will have to rest a bit and then just drive back.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. my sister is being weird about giving me the money tomorrow. she wants to give it to you instead. i dunno.
mom
He is thinking of dropping the truck off at your location(I guess your father's?)...And you will have to be responsible for load up....On I think either Monday or Tuesday....We will all leave probably on probably Tuesday night....
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. that should work fine. but they charge you by the day. would make sense to drop it on the same day we're leaving.
mom
Yes..He has friends in the business, so can secure a cheaper rate.
Jessica Amber Murray
swell. ok, well i think i should be ok with either the biggest budget van or the smallest truck.
i think the van should probably be ok, but if he's getting a special rate, maybe the smallest truck might be a better idea just to be safe.
mom
Yes...your sister is supposed to drop by later with the money....Don will take care of securing the truck...He just wanted to know how much stuff you have. He is going to call you later...Will you be at Nanny's?
A valid driver's license along with a credit card is needed.
It will be his.
I have to pay him back though....And he wants $200.00 for himself. I was a bit taken aback by his demand really..But, I think it will still be cheaper in the long run.
Have to pay for all meals and coffees as well...He say's he doesn't want it to cost him a nickel. Fine!.......He will lose 2 day's pay...Whatever.
That's what the 200 lousy bucks is about....K...Whatever. I agree..Do You?
Agreed.
Whatever is left is for you.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm looking at this cash as yours. it's certainly the *easiest* way. can you budget it, though? 200 - don 450 - gas 100? - food ? rental it's adding up. if i can find a straight driver and send them home on the bus, it's $450. i may be able to do even cheaper using a trucker. i'm kind of feeling a little bit guilty getting you to pay for this and sort of want it to be as cheap as possible. i was planning on giving you what was left back, in all honesty. so, i mean...i think it's up to you... this is guaranteed, and it's safe, but it's going to cost you more in the end.
the thing is if you're both coming then the bus back doesn't save much money; 225 for gas vs. roughly that for two bus tickets.
...but if just one of you comes it's a lot cheaper... i guess it depends if the experience is worth it to you or not.
mom
I would love to see your new place and get to experience a little of where you will be existing. It is worth it to me.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, so i guess we're planning for that. we're going to be there wednesday morning, then? i have to call the guy.
mom
What Guy?...Don will secure the truck....He is going to call you later at Nanny's?
Will you be at Nanny's tonight around 9 or so?
Jessica Amber Murray
the guy in windsor. he wants to know when we'll be there.
i should be here tonight, yeah.
mom
He is going to call you and will talk to you himself.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok
mom
K
Prolly Wednesday....Tell him then.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'll call him tomorrow, i should talk to don first.
mom
Yes....True.
I am looking forward to our road-trip adventure together!..... <3 ;) (y) :)
Jessica Amber Murray
lol
mom
No drugs and alcohol allowed though!...I was told very firmly...K...I can abide for sure. Coffees from Timmy's is welcome!....Smoking tobacco is unfortunate(I know)...Will be involved.
Jessica Amber Murray
i still smoke tobacco. my sister was saying you were worried i was going to spend the money on drugs. i don't actually do drugs. i smoke a mild amount of pot socially (i rarely pay for it), and i might do mushrooms roughly once a year but that's really it. i'm not a drug person....
mom
Glad to hear!...I am just an old worry wart. An Old Mother Hen, A Protective Mother Bear Of Her Precious Cubs.
Jessica Amber Murray
i have been drinking more than usual lately, but it's mostly because i'm bored. that should cut down when i get my studio set back up.
mom
I think that is my main reason for drinking as well.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i don't drink like you do, that's for sure...just a few a night...but it's been fairly frequent...
mom
' :o .. :)
I have a feeling that your sister will be here shortly. Charlie Brown is pacing and telling me.....
He just pooed on his doggy diaper...And that is a sign...That someone is on their way...Funny how animals are so damn psychic!
Don't think she will stay long....Cause I look scarier than the classic witch cartoon!...LOL....I will look better though when you see me...I promise...Although you may secretly disagree!..... ;)
Hope Don doesn't show up here too!..He's supposed to go home and call you from his place...His number is **********. I am just too ugly and stinky(for sure) right now. Think Nanny still has that service on her phone..When you see that number.....Answer it.....You will hear his voice anyway.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i'll pick it up when he calls.
mom
Hope your sister show ups soon...I just want to lay my weary old head down for about 6 hours at least. Again, I will be a bit of a disappointment to her..Stink, Scarey look and all...But there is nothing i can do about it at the moment. If, I disappear into the shower, I will miss her.
Jessica Amber Murray
i suppose she called?
mom
No...She isn't supposed to call again...Just show up.
I suppose I should be making a better effort to have a better personal appearance....But, I simply have no energy at all anymore. I am exhausted...I am sure she is as well, and will understand.
Re: moving
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i had an emotional attachment to those cds, but the music is replaceable. it's very disappointing, but i can deal with that.
he had a number of trophies that he won when he was younger. like, hockey and baseball and football awards. if everything else is gone, did she at least keep these? like, i'm flabbergasted...
is it not the most obvious fucking thing in the world that the kid is going to want to look through personal belongings? i mean, what the fuck...
j
To: sister’s email address
i had an emotional attachment to those cds, but the music is replaceable. it's very disappointing, but i can deal with that.
he had a number of trophies that he won when he was younger. like, hockey and baseball and football awards. if everything else is gone, did she at least keep these? like, i'm flabbergasted...
is it not the most obvious fucking thing in the world that the kid is going to want to look through personal belongings? i mean, what the fuck...
j
Jeff
You talking about your dads stuff and pictures?
Jessica Amber Murray
his cds, his trophies, his medals, his clothes, everything...
Jeff
Who the Fuck?
Jessica Amber Murray
my stepmother.
i don't get along with her so well, but it's really something else not to let a kid sort through their father's stuff before it's tossed to the curb. wow.
Jeff
I have to say the coldest shit I've heard in my life! If be so pissed I'm not sure how long id be in jail for!no way to still get any of it or is it already gone?
Jessica Amber Murray
no, it's gone. all i gots is pics.
Jeff
Not a total loss..some is better then none but shame on your stepmom cause that's not right man. Pictures are good because your end up looking at them years later and don't have to put a face to the name. And if ya have kids they see what he looks like young and old eh. Kids might not be on the list right now but just saying.
Jessica Amber Murray
no, i'm glad i have the pictures, don't get me wrong on that.
You talking about your dads stuff and pictures?
Jessica Amber Murray
his cds, his trophies, his medals, his clothes, everything...
Jeff
Who the Fuck?
Jessica Amber Murray
my stepmother.
i don't get along with her so well, but it's really something else not to let a kid sort through their father's stuff before it's tossed to the curb. wow.
Jeff
I have to say the coldest shit I've heard in my life! If be so pissed I'm not sure how long id be in jail for!no way to still get any of it or is it already gone?
Jessica Amber Murray
no, it's gone. all i gots is pics.
Jeff
Not a total loss..some is better then none but shame on your stepmom cause that's not right man. Pictures are good because your end up looking at them years later and don't have to put a face to the name. And if ya have kids they see what he looks like young and old eh. Kids might not be on the list right now but just saying.
Jessica Amber Murray
no, i'm glad i have the pictures, don't get me wrong on that.
Re: moving
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm really disappointed that you didn't give me the opportunity to sort through my father's belongings.
i mean, honestly...???
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm really disappointed that you didn't give me the opportunity to sort through my father's belongings.
i mean, honestly...???
j
Re: mom's money
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email
the money *was* for my first/last, but that became redundant. i'm not going to have this arranged before you leave tomorrow.
if you want to give it back to her directly, that's fine, but it would have to be done tonight or tomorrow. as mentioned, i don't really want it transferred to me, either; i can claim money as a gift if they make me, but i've already had a large deposits come through and i don't want to flag myself. are you sure it's not easier just to give it to me tomorrow? she knows this is happening...
j
To: sister’s email
the money *was* for my first/last, but that became redundant. i'm not going to have this arranged before you leave tomorrow.
if you want to give it back to her directly, that's fine, but it would have to be done tonight or tomorrow. as mentioned, i don't really want it transferred to me, either; i can claim money as a gift if they make me, but i've already had a large deposits come through and i don't want to flag myself. are you sure it's not easier just to give it to me tomorrow? she knows this is happening...
j
RE: moving
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
If you want to come by and measure tomorrow while your sister is here that is fine however I expect you to leave once completed. At this time you are not welcome in my house. I have kept the CD's I wanted and sold the rest. Your father only had 2 records which I have given away. There are no medal or trophies. All Bob's clothes other than the Habs and SF stuff have been donated to the Mission. Your sister gave you the pictures.
What is in the garage are your boxes and all the equipment that was in the basement.. I have added a microwave, a brand new bed and frame ($700), a new pillow and towel, 2 sets of new sheets, the leather chair, bookcase and the desk and desk chair. As well you were recently given a newer laptop.
I have attached a letter for ODSB.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aug 1, 2013
To Whom It May Concern,
As executor for the estate of my late husband, I did forward a one-time inheritance amount
of $1600.00 on July 28th, 2013 to his son Jason Parent.
If you have any questions or concerns please contact me directly at **********.
Regards
The Stepmother
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
If you want to come by and measure tomorrow while your sister is here that is fine however I expect you to leave once completed. At this time you are not welcome in my house. I have kept the CD's I wanted and sold the rest. Your father only had 2 records which I have given away. There are no medal or trophies. All Bob's clothes other than the Habs and SF stuff have been donated to the Mission. Your sister gave you the pictures.
What is in the garage are your boxes and all the equipment that was in the basement.. I have added a microwave, a brand new bed and frame ($700), a new pillow and towel, 2 sets of new sheets, the leather chair, bookcase and the desk and desk chair. As well you were recently given a newer laptop.
I have attached a letter for ODSB.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aug 1, 2013
To Whom It May Concern,
As executor for the estate of my late husband, I did forward a one-time inheritance amount
of $1600.00 on July 28th, 2013 to his son Jason Parent.
If you have any questions or concerns please contact me directly at **********.
Regards
The Stepmother
Re: mom's money
From: sister’s email address
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
the money is for your moving expenses. it has already been deposited for transfer, but if the cash is simply to be given to you, i’ll bring it back to mom to do it herself. if don is the one doing the moving, you can get whatever she wants to give you from her.
To: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
the money is for your moving expenses. it has already been deposited for transfer, but if the cash is simply to be given to you, i’ll bring it back to mom to do it herself. if don is the one doing the moving, you can get whatever she wants to give you from her.
moving
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i think things went well today.
i wanted to come by and just measure things in the garage. i have an ad up at a site that puts small loads in contact with truckers that have extra space. they want exact dimensions and exact objects because it makes a difference relative to the cargo and packing space. it's something i could have done quietly by myself, all i would need would be a few pieces of paper and a pen. i was thinking my sister was going to be there, so if you're uncomfortable around me for whatever reason...
it's something i sort of need to do. perhaps tomorrow would be better, right before they leave?
that being said, i may be able to get a drive with my mother's boyfriend. he owns a truck. in that case, it's not necessary. if i don't know by tomorrow, though, i think it would make sense for me to do this while they're still around. i can do it quietly by myself....
as for my father's belongings, i don't know if he left any directions regarding any of it or not. you've indicated that you get everything. that's fine. however, there's a number of cds and records in his collection that have been very important to me over my life. it's mostly prog stuff from the 70s - genesis, pink floyd, king crimson. if i could have those, it would mean a whole lot to me. so, i would really appreciate the chance to look through his collection....or i can just take all of it and sort through it later. the music i was able to appreciate through him and share with him is one of the things i'm going to remember him by.
as for the other things, i don't know what you plan to do with them. are you going to keep things? discard them? would you mind if i took a look through anything that you want to discard before you do so? i think it would be a shame to have these things simply thrown out. i may be interested in taking things like trophies, medals, maybe a few shirts...
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i think things went well today.
i wanted to come by and just measure things in the garage. i have an ad up at a site that puts small loads in contact with truckers that have extra space. they want exact dimensions and exact objects because it makes a difference relative to the cargo and packing space. it's something i could have done quietly by myself, all i would need would be a few pieces of paper and a pen. i was thinking my sister was going to be there, so if you're uncomfortable around me for whatever reason...
it's something i sort of need to do. perhaps tomorrow would be better, right before they leave?
that being said, i may be able to get a drive with my mother's boyfriend. he owns a truck. in that case, it's not necessary. if i don't know by tomorrow, though, i think it would make sense for me to do this while they're still around. i can do it quietly by myself....
as for my father's belongings, i don't know if he left any directions regarding any of it or not. you've indicated that you get everything. that's fine. however, there's a number of cds and records in his collection that have been very important to me over my life. it's mostly prog stuff from the 70s - genesis, pink floyd, king crimson. if i could have those, it would mean a whole lot to me. so, i would really appreciate the chance to look through his collection....or i can just take all of it and sort through it later. the music i was able to appreciate through him and share with him is one of the things i'm going to remember him by.
as for the other things, i don't know what you plan to do with them. are you going to keep things? discard them? would you mind if i took a look through anything that you want to discard before you do so? i think it would be a shame to have these things simply thrown out. i may be interested in taking things like trophies, medals, maybe a few shirts...
j
mom's money
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i need to be careful about money going through banks, too.
could you bring it tomorrow?
also, did you mention the cds to the stepmother? i'll send her an email...
turns out don might drive me for gas money. i'll take it.
j
To: sister’s email address
i need to be careful about money going through banks, too.
could you bring it tomorrow?
also, did you mention the cds to the stepmother? i'll send her an email...
turns out don might drive me for gas money. i'll take it.
j
a path
mom
J...There could be a potentially new idea....Don owns a big moving truck. I could ask him if he could be the driver...The 3 of us would sit in it(Charlie Brown on the floor...Or in my lap...He's little)....I could approach(him with the idea) and we could make a holiday out of it(him and I....It would be a bonding experience for us all!....Where is your sister?...Is she still in town?
Jessica Amber Murray
if you're up for it, that sounds like a good idea. it's going to cost like $450 in gas (225 both ways), but if it gets paid for out of the money you gave me, that's probably still just about as cheap as is possible. my sister is in town until tomorrow afternoon. i'll have to make sure she gives me that money tomorrow.
mom
I just wrote and it disappeared....Anyways...I am rewriting. I have to talk to Don first. His truck has his son's junk stored in it right now and will have to be emptied first...But he(the son) has a big enough garage and basement where the junk can be stored for awhile anyway. The money will have to be recouped from your sister. I will talk to Don soon. If I approach him right...I think he will help. We wouldn't be able to leave before Tuesday though.
Jessica Amber Murray
that's ok, tuesday or wednesday is about when i was planning for. is there a way you could let me know today or tomorrow, though, so i can plan around it?
mom
He will be calling me around supper time...I will know soon after.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. thanks.
J...There could be a potentially new idea....Don owns a big moving truck. I could ask him if he could be the driver...The 3 of us would sit in it(Charlie Brown on the floor...Or in my lap...He's little)....I could approach(him with the idea) and we could make a holiday out of it(him and I....It would be a bonding experience for us all!....Where is your sister?...Is she still in town?
Jessica Amber Murray
if you're up for it, that sounds like a good idea. it's going to cost like $450 in gas (225 both ways), but if it gets paid for out of the money you gave me, that's probably still just about as cheap as is possible. my sister is in town until tomorrow afternoon. i'll have to make sure she gives me that money tomorrow.
mom
I just wrote and it disappeared....Anyways...I am rewriting. I have to talk to Don first. His truck has his son's junk stored in it right now and will have to be emptied first...But he(the son) has a big enough garage and basement where the junk can be stored for awhile anyway. The money will have to be recouped from your sister. I will talk to Don soon. If I approach him right...I think he will help. We wouldn't be able to leave before Tuesday though.
Jessica Amber Murray
that's ok, tuesday or wednesday is about when i was planning for. is there a way you could let me know today or tomorrow, though, so i can plan around it?
mom
He will be calling me around supper time...I will know soon after.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. thanks.
it's short notice, but...
....my dad's funeral is at 10:00 tomorrow (thursday) at macdougall, which is at albion & hunt club.
i don't expect you to come. but you're welcome if you'd like to.
i'll be leaving for windsor some time this upcoming week. monday, tuesday, wednesday - something like that. i'm going to be living there permanently...
...so if you want to see me before i go, please contact me for coffee. you have no idea how much it would mean to me to seduce, err, i mean, say bye to you before i go.
**********
j
i don't expect you to come. but you're welcome if you'd like to.
i'll be leaving for windsor some time this upcoming week. monday, tuesday, wednesday - something like that. i'm going to be living there permanently...
...so if you want to see me before i go, please contact me for coffee. you have no idea how much it would mean to me to seduce, err, i mean, say bye to you before i go.
**********
j
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
do i remember this? i'm not sure, actually.
i do actually have strange memories of eating cake in a high chair - i guess it would have had to have been the second birthday, then. i can't imagine remembering my own first birthday.
that's dad's head, and nana in the top right. i'm only about 60% certain that the person behind me is my father's brother, and sole remaining uncle (if that is still true; i have not checked in in years, at this point).
i've been told i was kind of an existentialist child; i rarely spoke, never cried, and almost never smiled. they actually sent me to a specialist, who came to the conclusion that i was just staunchly misanthropic, by the age of four - i might be mildly depressed, but there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. i just didn't want to speak, and didn't want to smile.
i have a vague recollection that what is happening here is that i'm being coerced to smile, and offering some resistance to it - to the concern of the adults in the room.
i do actually have strange memories of eating cake in a high chair - i guess it would have had to have been the second birthday, then. i can't imagine remembering my own first birthday.
that's dad's head, and nana in the top right. i'm only about 60% certain that the person behind me is my father's brother, and sole remaining uncle (if that is still true; i have not checked in in years, at this point).
i've been told i was kind of an existentialist child; i rarely spoke, never cried, and almost never smiled. they actually sent me to a specialist, who came to the conclusion that i was just staunchly misanthropic, by the age of four - i might be mildly depressed, but there wasn't anything actually wrong with me. i just didn't want to speak, and didn't want to smile.
i have a vague recollection that what is happening here is that i'm being coerced to smile, and offering some resistance to it - to the concern of the adults in the room.
Where did you get that lol
Jessica Amber Murray
my dad died a few days ago. i got a stack of pictures from him.
Jeff
I'm sorry,your dad was someone who I have never forgotten. I remember eating breakfast(corn squares) with you and him. Crazy the stuff we tend to remember the most eh! How you holding up? You and you mom are closer now in the past couple of years? Where are you living now
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm actually just about to move to windsor. next week. it's been a confusing few years of stability issues, mentally. i've had a few pretty strenuous breakdowns. i've been staying with my grandmother, and i'm pretty much on odsp permanently, now. it's schizophrenia, basically. they've diagnosed me with ptsd, but it's because stress is the trigger. the rent is just cheaper down there. i'm hoping i can set up a little studio. what are you up to these days?
Jeff
Working lcbo warehouse. Pension and all the goodies. Virus attack my body and went after weakest part and ended up with tinnius(ringing of ear) 3 different noises at once! Adjusting to it but no cure. Clone a sheep but your ears,forget about it. Family is good and stuck in Ottawa for the next 20 years lol. Been to Windsor as a kid and winter tends to be very warm.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, that's right, you *did* used to go to windsor. you used to get earaches all the time, too. you'd think they could maybe take the ear out and replace it, but i don't think they're at a stage to do that yet. i guess we haven't talked since a few years after the end of high school. i finished a math degree at carleton in '06. worked for a microsoft for a few years. built a great studio, was rolling...then shit hit the fan. ended up back in school, nearly finished a programming degree before i mentally collapsed and decided i had to transition. i was juggling shit, but it was taking too long. couldn't find a job, any job, got evicted...broke down again...landed at my grandmother's. finished a minor in law. been organizing with radical leftists (occupy movement types). and i just need to get out of here for somewhere that's cheaper to live. i guess i've got a decade of music to check out if you want to. you can stream it for free forever: http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com
i'm kind of hoping i'll eventually, one day, end up teaching math, but for right now i want to focus on writing music...
Jeff
Hey listen to me when I say your smart as Fuck so keep doing what ya have to do! Stay off meds cause they may help but so does just letting shit off your chest. Also make your body completely reliant on them. Surprised you don't lean towards holistic stuff? Say what ya want... But seen results of both and have to say I lean towards holistic although some seem to be hoaxish so is meds that fix shit. Although schizophrenia meds might be a good route. Also if someone said find a job that you love cause that what matters...find a job that your good at do it for 20 years and get the fucking thing over with. Not supposed to spend my life working for others anyway so that others can blah blah.... Too much shit going on in your life and head, you need a breather man! You may not have the support you need but I say your going to do a 180 once you plant your feet abit. Or win lottery lol.
That was supposed to be somewhat supportive and I think I failed lol. Just think you have alot of experience and education that not much should get in way of you just succeeding at everything so keep doing what you think is best Jay(Jessica). Old people always say that in live always do what you want so no regrets later. Enough ranting from me! Oh ya..grieving your father is not selfish, it's human!no grieving is like saying no love was there for that person. Everyone grieves different so.. Writing what I think on Facebook instead of in person really diminishes the feeling and expression of my thoughts! Talk soon
Jessica Amber Murray
i avoid the meds. it's more that i'm concerned about them affecting my creativity level. i'd rather be crazy and creative than sane and productive; maybe there's some circular logic there, but so be it. i'm not opposed to holistic approaches, so long as they're tested empirically. but, you know what they call holistic medicine that's been tested empirically? they call it medicine. when you have to say 'holistic' as a prefix, that generally means you're taking placebos. i don't mean to be arrogant, but the truth is that i'm smart enough to understand what's going on and to control the episodes through self-awareness. i like describe it as tripping out without taking drugs. you know? like, when you're on a mushroom trip, you know you're on a mushroom trip. even if you're having a bad trip, you know you're tripping. you know it's not real. i can do that. everybody that's done drugs knows that you have to do them in a safe place. it's the same kind of idea - when i feel i'm becoming episodic, i get myself out of the way of shit that's going to have the potential to put me in a bad place. that's part of why working's not a great idea. i can't really be like "boss, i'm tripping out, i have to go home" - although i *have* done that previously. like, let's say i'm working for somebody doing something important. with the background i have, i would be *the* person they hire. if i have to go home for a week, it doesn't make sense to bring me back. so, i could do something less intensive. but, would you feed a gazelle meat? if it could digest it at all, it would get sick. certainly, it wouldn't be happy. is a tiger happy eating ground meat? it'll survive, but it would rather hunt. so, do you send an artist to operate a phone or a cash register? we're expected to work when we're young, and retire when we're old. i think there's a lot of logic in that if the labour is physical. but, for mental labour - teaching, writing etc - i think it makes more sense to invert the process. i'd rather retire when i'm young and work when i'm old. so, my goal at the moment is to create the circumstances necessary that will allow me to create a lot of music. it's been a long, slow process....but it finally arrives next week. everything is finally in order. and i want to spend the next several years just purely creating. once that urge has run it's course, i'll think about applying myself mentally somehow. i could start doing some more creative writing. i could finish my masters in math. i'll have to decide then. i miss my dad, but the last several months of his life were horrific. it was brain cancer. he had three major surgeries that were functionally lobotomies. it was at the stage where death was a release from the suffering. he fought it for two years, man. hard. i've been through two years of a grieving process. at this point, i'm just happy he's not suffering anymore.
i had absolutely no intention of letting her move in
Jessica Amber Murray
so, about that laptop... it's fine if you hang on to it until you get to windsor. what i'm thinking is probably the best thing to do when you get there is to take that one back, buy a new hard drive for this one (it shouldn't be too much) and then lend this one to you indefinitely.
ESA
No its ok! You can have it back now. I dont mind, really.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not really the biggest priority for me. if you're using it, keep using it. i don't need it in any kind of urgency. are you going to want this one once i put a new drive in it?
ESA
Im trying to figure this out wth my dad.
Also, do you think i can move in with you for a bit?
Possibly? I ddont want to get rid of leroy :(
And i dont think i can quit smoking either
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. ok... so, the landlord thinks i'm a non-smoker and i promised i wouldn't bring any pets in the place. you can crash for a bit, and leroy can hang out outside, but i can't let you bring leroy in the house and i have to ask that all smoking is done in take-a-walk form. i'm pretty serious about quitting, or at least cutting down to almost nothing.
ESA
Oh ok..
I want t cut down too. I think i can only cut down to five a day though.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i've quit before. are you saying i can accomplish something you can't?
:P
i just can't have smoking around the place. and i told him it was just me coming, too....
ESA
Well. I am more addicted than you
No matter what, i win
Jessica Amber Murray
bah. i bet i've been smoking longer.... i'm going down next week. i have to run this by him first. and he's probably going to think i totally tricked him. i'm going to say this is tentative. again, i promised i'd tell him if i was going to let people stay for more than a day or two.
i *think* it should be fine..
it's just..
when you sign a lease for one person, and two people move in....
ESA
You dont have to tell him anything. Youre not doing anything illegal
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to start shit off on a wrong foot, though. i like this place and want to be there for a while.
the guy is actually really cool. i think he'll be fine with it.
ESA
Yeah ok. It was just as a last chance, if this room doesnt work out.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm pretty sure it's probably fine. it's funny. he asked me about ten times about a girl moving in. i was like "no". he was like "yeah, right. so when a girl moves in, just let me know." :P i think he'll be fine i just can't guarantee it... so, does that mean you don't need the computer anymore? if that's the case, i should grab it.
ESA
My dad is lending me his netbookk.
Jessica Amber Murray
k. well, when he does let me know. i'm going to be busy tomorrow and friday, but i can grab it on the weekend. although...i guess you're going to be somewhere else tomorrow....
ESA
Hmmm dunno
Jessica Amber Murray
are you in hintonburg now? could i grab it now?
ESA
no im not
will be later
at 9 i'm playing risk with playa if u wanna come
we need a third player
k lemme know
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'll just stop in quick to grab the laptop, there's a thousand things i need to do tonight (and i have to be up early for the funeral). just lemme know when i can drop by for a sec...
ESA
At 9
Actually can u come later in the week? I need to use it tomorrow to email university of windsor and other stufff.
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. just let me know when you get the netbook.
ESA
k
Do u wanna play risk?
Oh shit i didnt read your message
Never mind. Omg nevermind.
Hug hug hugzzz
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. it's ok. half of me wants to come, but i don't want to stumble in there half hungover. i've already been threatened with expulsion by my stepmother, which is like...try it...you know... i'm likely to get really edgy and start yelling. i think it's better if i chill by myself for the next few days.
ESA
Makes sense. Do yo thang gurrlllll
so, about that laptop... it's fine if you hang on to it until you get to windsor. what i'm thinking is probably the best thing to do when you get there is to take that one back, buy a new hard drive for this one (it shouldn't be too much) and then lend this one to you indefinitely.
ESA
No its ok! You can have it back now. I dont mind, really.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not really the biggest priority for me. if you're using it, keep using it. i don't need it in any kind of urgency. are you going to want this one once i put a new drive in it?
ESA
Im trying to figure this out wth my dad.
Also, do you think i can move in with you for a bit?
Possibly? I ddont want to get rid of leroy :(
And i dont think i can quit smoking either
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. ok... so, the landlord thinks i'm a non-smoker and i promised i wouldn't bring any pets in the place. you can crash for a bit, and leroy can hang out outside, but i can't let you bring leroy in the house and i have to ask that all smoking is done in take-a-walk form. i'm pretty serious about quitting, or at least cutting down to almost nothing.
ESA
Oh ok..
I want t cut down too. I think i can only cut down to five a day though.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i've quit before. are you saying i can accomplish something you can't?
:P
i just can't have smoking around the place. and i told him it was just me coming, too....
ESA
Well. I am more addicted than you
No matter what, i win
Jessica Amber Murray
bah. i bet i've been smoking longer.... i'm going down next week. i have to run this by him first. and he's probably going to think i totally tricked him. i'm going to say this is tentative. again, i promised i'd tell him if i was going to let people stay for more than a day or two.
i *think* it should be fine..
it's just..
when you sign a lease for one person, and two people move in....
ESA
You dont have to tell him anything. Youre not doing anything illegal
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to start shit off on a wrong foot, though. i like this place and want to be there for a while.
the guy is actually really cool. i think he'll be fine with it.
ESA
Yeah ok. It was just as a last chance, if this room doesnt work out.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm pretty sure it's probably fine. it's funny. he asked me about ten times about a girl moving in. i was like "no". he was like "yeah, right. so when a girl moves in, just let me know." :P i think he'll be fine i just can't guarantee it... so, does that mean you don't need the computer anymore? if that's the case, i should grab it.
ESA
My dad is lending me his netbookk.
Jessica Amber Murray
k. well, when he does let me know. i'm going to be busy tomorrow and friday, but i can grab it on the weekend. although...i guess you're going to be somewhere else tomorrow....
ESA
Hmmm dunno
Jessica Amber Murray
are you in hintonburg now? could i grab it now?
ESA
no im not
will be later
at 9 i'm playing risk with playa if u wanna come
we need a third player
k lemme know
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'll just stop in quick to grab the laptop, there's a thousand things i need to do tonight (and i have to be up early for the funeral). just lemme know when i can drop by for a sec...
ESA
At 9
Actually can u come later in the week? I need to use it tomorrow to email university of windsor and other stufff.
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. just let me know when you get the netbook.
ESA
k
Do u wanna play risk?
Oh shit i didnt read your message
Never mind. Omg nevermind.
Hug hug hugzzz
Jessica Amber Murray
lol. it's ok. half of me wants to come, but i don't want to stumble in there half hungover. i've already been threatened with expulsion by my stepmother, which is like...try it...you know... i'm likely to get really edgy and start yelling. i think it's better if i chill by myself for the next few days.
ESA
Makes sense. Do yo thang gurrlllll
Re: request for estimate
Your total price for the move is 2200$ and that includes everything; gas, driver, truck, tools to move, wrapping your stuff.
Please contact us for a confirmation.
Please contact us for a confirmation.
mom
Did you figure out a way yet?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm still exploring options. i want to give the trucker option a few more days before i book something.
mom
Sounds good. Hope it works out....Something will come...Always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm even steven. everything always works out for me.
mom
:)
Did you figure out a way yet?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i'm still exploring options. i want to give the trucker option a few more days before i book something.
mom
Sounds good. Hope it works out....Something will come...Always does.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm even steven. everything always works out for me.
mom
:)
request for estimate
i'm moving from ottawa to windsor. the amount of furniture is
minimal, but i have a lot of instruments and boxes of books and cds to
move.
i should only require one mover. if it's possible, i'd like to also hitch a ride down with the truck. in all honesty, i'm considering the option of pro movers almost solely because i don't have a driver's license; i'm looking for a driver more than i am a mover. the actual moving itself is of minimal labour, and i'll be glad to help move the objects on and off of the truck myself.
so, this is what i'm moving:
- 1 bed
- 1 desk
- 1 recliner chair
- 1 bookcase
- 2 pcs (one has a standalone crt monitor, the other has an lcd in a box)
- 6,7,8? guitars. i can't even remember. most are in cases, a few are loose.
- 2 synthesizers (one in a box, one in a case)
- a boxed electronic drum kit
- two full stereo systems (receivers, standalone cd players, speakers, cassette, vinyl)
- i'm going to over-estimate the number of boxes to about 50. most of them are grand and toy paper boxes full of books, cds and other various things. some of them have electronics (mixers, controllers,etc).
all in all, i think i need just slightly more space than a budget-type cube van, but note that if i can fit everything in except a box or two then i'm comfortable mailing what's left.
j
i should only require one mover. if it's possible, i'd like to also hitch a ride down with the truck. in all honesty, i'm considering the option of pro movers almost solely because i don't have a driver's license; i'm looking for a driver more than i am a mover. the actual moving itself is of minimal labour, and i'll be glad to help move the objects on and off of the truck myself.
so, this is what i'm moving:
- 1 bed
- 1 desk
- 1 recliner chair
- 1 bookcase
- 2 pcs (one has a standalone crt monitor, the other has an lcd in a box)
- 6,7,8? guitars. i can't even remember. most are in cases, a few are loose.
- 2 synthesizers (one in a box, one in a case)
- a boxed electronic drum kit
- two full stereo systems (receivers, standalone cd players, speakers, cassette, vinyl)
- i'm going to over-estimate the number of boxes to about 50. most of them are grand and toy paper boxes full of books, cds and other various things. some of them have electronics (mixers, controllers,etc).
all in all, i think i need just slightly more space than a budget-type cube van, but note that if i can fit everything in except a box or two then i'm comfortable mailing what's left.
j
Jessica Amber Murray
if it turns out that the cheapest way to do this is to get a budget rental van, drive down there, drop the van off and then send the driver home on the bus, would you be willing to be the driver? you could stay a few days if you want.
what i'm hoping i can arrange is for a trucker that's going through or to windsor to literally drop by their place, pick the stuff up and give me and the stiff a lift down. that would be cheap and convenient, but i'm not sure it's going to work out.
mom
OMG!...I do have a valid license...But...J...I have been drinking beer for days now!...And what about my Charlie Brown?...It would be a nightmare!.....Harley's are roaring outside like bangbuster gangsters right now....I think they are telling me it is not a good idea for me. Sorry.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's ok, i'll try to find somebody else.
mom
Sorry. I want to be helpful, but am unable for this.
if it turns out that the cheapest way to do this is to get a budget rental van, drive down there, drop the van off and then send the driver home on the bus, would you be willing to be the driver? you could stay a few days if you want.
what i'm hoping i can arrange is for a trucker that's going through or to windsor to literally drop by their place, pick the stuff up and give me and the stiff a lift down. that would be cheap and convenient, but i'm not sure it's going to work out.
mom
OMG!...I do have a valid license...But...J...I have been drinking beer for days now!...And what about my Charlie Brown?...It would be a nightmare!.....Harley's are roaring outside like bangbuster gangsters right now....I think they are telling me it is not a good idea for me. Sorry.
Jessica Amber Murray
it's ok, i'll try to find somebody else.
mom
Sorry. I want to be helpful, but am unable for this.
sears
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i called sears and the process works as follows:
1) somebody calls and informs sears that the cardholder is deceased. i could have done that myself, but i decided to wait to talk to you about it first.
2) sears mails a check to the estate of the deceased person.
so, if there's a credit on the card, you just need to call (or i can call back) and tell them. they'll send a check to your house.
i'm still hoping i can access this credit. if you'd like, i can call. you could then sign the check over to me.
if you still don't want to do that, so be it.
as for the discussion last night, i want to reiterate that i do not want to fight over the next few days and that there will not be a problem at the funeral tomorrow or on friday unless you decide to create one.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i called sears and the process works as follows:
1) somebody calls and informs sears that the cardholder is deceased. i could have done that myself, but i decided to wait to talk to you about it first.
2) sears mails a check to the estate of the deceased person.
so, if there's a credit on the card, you just need to call (or i can call back) and tell them. they'll send a check to your house.
i'm still hoping i can access this credit. if you'd like, i can call. you could then sign the check over to me.
if you still don't want to do that, so be it.
as for the discussion last night, i want to reiterate that i do not want to fight over the next few days and that there will not be a problem at the funeral tomorrow or on friday unless you decide to create one.
j
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
if you're going to force me to make a scene, i'll make one.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
if you're going to force me to make a scene, i'll make one.
j
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Ok....I will now have to notify the police of your intent!
You have now put me in a position where I will also need a police person here when you come get your stuff...
The will was signed by him and his signature witnessed at our lawyer's office in Nov 2011....
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Ok....I will now have to notify the police of your intent!
You have now put me in a position where I will also need a police person here when you come get your stuff...
The will was signed by him and his signature witnessed at our lawyer's office in Nov 2011....
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
if you try and block me from the funeral, i'm going to smash down every door and break every window in the place. if you try and remove me, i'm going to attack with intent to harm. if you send the cops after me, you'd better tell them that while i'm not armed i'm certainly violent.
as for the will, i would like to see it, please.
he wasn't himself after the surgery. you said so yourself. mental retardation may or may not be the correct term to use, but he was certainly suffering from brain damage as the result of repeated lobotomies. that term was used in confidence with my mother in a state of frustration and wasn't meant to be circled around to other people. the way you're throwing it at me is also taking it very badly out of context. a mentally retarded person, or a person suffering from brain damage due to lobotomy, is not incapable of forming intents and desires. in dad's case, it put him in a degraded position where he was unable to do basic things for himself, but it didn't prevent him from having ideas or thoughts. it just prevented him from acting them out.
we had this discussion when he was in the hospital with the blood clots. yes, he was highly medicated and not thinking clearly as a result of that. however, he was legitimately concerned that he was being placed under the care of people that he didn't trust to fully act in his own desires. he was strongly concerned about losing the ability to sign things for himself and that it may result in decisions being made for him that he didn't agree with. i carefully assured him that the role of the caretaker in such a circumstance is to ensure that they are carrying out the patient's desires, and that he could trust me to make sure that his desires were carried out.
to place my comment in proper context, i was talking about how his death was a release from suffering. he was in constant pain, he wasn't able to think properly, etc. the mental damage he incurred caused him great suffering. i'm a strong advocate of assisted suicide. i feel it's better to let people release themselves from a cage of existential suffering, should they choose, than to force them through to the very end. i know he wanted to fight, and he fought hard, but in the end he gave up, and i do feel that, after several years of suffering, escaping from that suffering, letting go of that pain, is something that should be celebrated rather than mourned.
i have a different perception of death, probably largely because i have a different perception of existence and a different perception of religion. it would be more enlightened for you to try and understand and respect that different perspective rather than to forcefully reject it as an other.
but, as i was saying before, you have never been interested in doing that. you see the world through your own limited perspective, and reject anything that doesn't conform to it. then, you try to coerce other people to see things the same way as you do through shows of excessive force.
i'd just like to see the will, please. i'd like to see if he actually signed it himself.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
if you try and block me from the funeral, i'm going to smash down every door and break every window in the place. if you try and remove me, i'm going to attack with intent to harm. if you send the cops after me, you'd better tell them that while i'm not armed i'm certainly violent.
as for the will, i would like to see it, please.
he wasn't himself after the surgery. you said so yourself. mental retardation may or may not be the correct term to use, but he was certainly suffering from brain damage as the result of repeated lobotomies. that term was used in confidence with my mother in a state of frustration and wasn't meant to be circled around to other people. the way you're throwing it at me is also taking it very badly out of context. a mentally retarded person, or a person suffering from brain damage due to lobotomy, is not incapable of forming intents and desires. in dad's case, it put him in a degraded position where he was unable to do basic things for himself, but it didn't prevent him from having ideas or thoughts. it just prevented him from acting them out.
we had this discussion when he was in the hospital with the blood clots. yes, he was highly medicated and not thinking clearly as a result of that. however, he was legitimately concerned that he was being placed under the care of people that he didn't trust to fully act in his own desires. he was strongly concerned about losing the ability to sign things for himself and that it may result in decisions being made for him that he didn't agree with. i carefully assured him that the role of the caretaker in such a circumstance is to ensure that they are carrying out the patient's desires, and that he could trust me to make sure that his desires were carried out.
to place my comment in proper context, i was talking about how his death was a release from suffering. he was in constant pain, he wasn't able to think properly, etc. the mental damage he incurred caused him great suffering. i'm a strong advocate of assisted suicide. i feel it's better to let people release themselves from a cage of existential suffering, should they choose, than to force them through to the very end. i know he wanted to fight, and he fought hard, but in the end he gave up, and i do feel that, after several years of suffering, escaping from that suffering, letting go of that pain, is something that should be celebrated rather than mourned.
i have a different perception of death, probably largely because i have a different perception of existence and a different perception of religion. it would be more enlightened for you to try and understand and respect that different perspective rather than to forcefully reject it as an other.
but, as i was saying before, you have never been interested in doing that. you see the world through your own limited perspective, and reject anything that doesn't conform to it. then, you try to coerce other people to see things the same way as you do through shows of excessive force.
i'd just like to see the will, please. i'd like to see if he actually signed it himself.
j
is mourning selfish?
if it's not selfish, what is it? well, the opposite of selfishness is altruism. can mourning be altruistic? i think it can be if there's a group aspect to it, if it's about helping others move on. there can be a shared catharsis. however, at the root of this is still selfishness. we need each other to help us get over our selfish responses of loss.
could it be neither selfish nor altruistic (i'm down with ternary logic for most real world applications)? in the sense that it's largely an uncontrollable reaction, perhaps. yet, i think this only applies to the initial reaction that happens upon learning of one's passing. the moment it gets dragged on past that initial reaction, it becomes selfish in the sense that it's a sort of self-pity.
now, let me throw in a twist: in the specific circumstance that a loved one goes through a lengthy period of great suffering before their death, can mourning be altruistic?
it seems to me like the clearly altruistic approach is not mourning but celebration. to really empathize with the loved one is to recognize that the suffering is over, that the cage of existence has been broken free from, that the hopelessness has ceased, that the horror has lifted....
what is altruistic about wishing a return to an existence of suffering? really, what could be more selfish?
so, is mourning ever *not* selfish?
if it's not selfish, what is it? well, the opposite of selfishness is altruism. can mourning be altruistic? i think it can be if there's a group aspect to it, if it's about helping others move on. there can be a shared catharsis. however, at the root of this is still selfishness. we need each other to help us get over our selfish responses of loss.
could it be neither selfish nor altruistic (i'm down with ternary logic for most real world applications)? in the sense that it's largely an uncontrollable reaction, perhaps. yet, i think this only applies to the initial reaction that happens upon learning of one's passing. the moment it gets dragged on past that initial reaction, it becomes selfish in the sense that it's a sort of self-pity.
now, let me throw in a twist: in the specific circumstance that a loved one goes through a lengthy period of great suffering before their death, can mourning be altruistic?
it seems to me like the clearly altruistic approach is not mourning but celebration. to really empathize with the loved one is to recognize that the suffering is over, that the cage of existence has been broken free from, that the hopelessness has ceased, that the horror has lifted....
what is altruistic about wishing a return to an existence of suffering? really, what could be more selfish?
so, is mourning ever *not* selfish?
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
There is a will and everything goes to me. If there were anything left to anyone else the lawyer would contact them directly .Anyway, how could you possibly take seriously anything that might have been discussed in passing with someone you considered mentally retarded for the last 6 months....
...and don't try me as I will call the police if I have to....You should know that!
Why pretend you care now? Or is it for an audience?
As well, I am paying for the funeral so it is my prerogative to ensure it is not disturbed by someone who is acting irrational!
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
There is a will and everything goes to me. If there were anything left to anyone else the lawyer would contact them directly .Anyway, how could you possibly take seriously anything that might have been discussed in passing with someone you considered mentally retarded for the last 6 months....
...and don't try me as I will call the police if I have to....You should know that!
Why pretend you care now? Or is it for an audience?
As well, I am paying for the funeral so it is my prerogative to ensure it is not disturbed by someone who is acting irrational!
RE: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i would, however, like to know if my father left a will. if he did, i'd like to see it.
i understand that most of the wealth in the union was yours, and i don't want to take things that don't belong to me. certainly, $400 a month would eventually exceed his contributions altogether, let alone whatever he may have decided to put aside for me - i understood immediately that this was not a sustainable agreement and that it would eventually run out. however, i feel like he was trying to set something up that day in the bedroom, and that the agreement we came to was very important to him. he wanted to ensure i was taken care of because he's come to understand that i'm not fully capable of taking care of myself. notwithstanding the money that you did wire, which i appreciate, i'm a little disappointed that you decided to renege on the deal so quickly after his passing. i didn't think it would continue forever, but i thought it would be more than four months.
in truth, i'm just a little bit confused as to what he directed should happen and would like to take a look at his instructions myself.
...and i'd like to see you try to remove me from my father's funeral.
you're going to need a fucking army, or a lot of sedatives. i'll start throwing punches before i get led out. and i'll knock the fucking door down if you try and lock me out...
so, don't even fucking think about it.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i would, however, like to know if my father left a will. if he did, i'd like to see it.
i understand that most of the wealth in the union was yours, and i don't want to take things that don't belong to me. certainly, $400 a month would eventually exceed his contributions altogether, let alone whatever he may have decided to put aside for me - i understood immediately that this was not a sustainable agreement and that it would eventually run out. however, i feel like he was trying to set something up that day in the bedroom, and that the agreement we came to was very important to him. he wanted to ensure i was taken care of because he's come to understand that i'm not fully capable of taking care of myself. notwithstanding the money that you did wire, which i appreciate, i'm a little disappointed that you decided to renege on the deal so quickly after his passing. i didn't think it would continue forever, but i thought it would be more than four months.
in truth, i'm just a little bit confused as to what he directed should happen and would like to take a look at his instructions myself.
...and i'd like to see you try to remove me from my father's funeral.
you're going to need a fucking army, or a lot of sedatives. i'll start throwing punches before i get led out. and i'll knock the fucking door down if you try and lock me out...
so, don't even fucking think about it.
j
RE: Coat
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I totally agree it is best that we no longer communicate. I will likely see you Thursday and when you pick up your stuff next week that will definitely be the last time. Although your dad asked me to be there for you that is an impossible request. If by what you refer to as not supporting your decisions means others should work to support you then you are totally right.
The way you have treated your father and the things you have posted about him are atrocious. As well the way you have treated your sister is unbelievably ignorant.
It's not all about you! I have lost my husband and your sister has lost her father. During a week when we are grieving you have caused us nothing but extra grief and stress. I do not hate you but I do pity you and hope someday you will realize all the hurt you have caused your family.
I have no intentions of arguing with you but take heed that if you are not on your best behaviour Thursday I will have you removed from the funeral parlour!
To: "'Jessica Murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I totally agree it is best that we no longer communicate. I will likely see you Thursday and when you pick up your stuff next week that will definitely be the last time. Although your dad asked me to be there for you that is an impossible request. If by what you refer to as not supporting your decisions means others should work to support you then you are totally right.
The way you have treated your father and the things you have posted about him are atrocious. As well the way you have treated your sister is unbelievably ignorant.
It's not all about you! I have lost my husband and your sister has lost her father. During a week when we are grieving you have caused us nothing but extra grief and stress. I do not hate you but I do pity you and hope someday you will realize all the hurt you have caused your family.
I have no intentions of arguing with you but take heed that if you are not on your best behaviour Thursday I will have you removed from the funeral parlour!
Re: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i sent that last part, i'm very edgy right now. i did just lose my father, who has also been my best friend for most of my life. we haven't seen each other yet, but i'm more than a little bit shaky. i'm moving out of the city and trying to find a way to not spend the entirety of that $1500 on moving (i'd even like to give the bulk of it back to her).
i got a little overwhelmed for a moment and should have chosen my words more carefully. if i could rephrase that....
i find the idea that you would need d or ferris there extremely insulting. i feel it's rooted in a vendetta rather than anything rational. whatever delusion it's rooted in is not remotely reflective of reality. it's the end of a long string of extremely insulting gestures from you that goes back many years.
i appreciate the things that you've done for me, including wiring me the money the other day. but i think it's going to be better for both of us if we go our separate ways next week and no longer communicate at all. i think i've tried hard to be accommodating and accepting of you as somebody that is drastically different than me, and the sum of what i've received back is a lack of respect for who i am and what i want out of life. instead of being supportive in my decisions and helping me reach the goals that i've set for myself, which is what a good parent or parental substitute should do, you've consistently tried to force your own perceptions and ideals upon me. when you disagree with a decision, you withhold support and/or try and sabotage it. i don't think it's healthy for us to continue under these conditions.
again, i'm sorry for the language i used. while i legitimately feel your tactics are sometimes hateful and sometimes childish, and often vengeful, there wasn't anything to be gained by being standoffish or confrontational.
it's just a few more days. i'd be happy if we could get through this without fighting. i'll promise to try my best to not start an argument, and hope the feeling is mutual.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i sent that last part, i'm very edgy right now. i did just lose my father, who has also been my best friend for most of my life. we haven't seen each other yet, but i'm more than a little bit shaky. i'm moving out of the city and trying to find a way to not spend the entirety of that $1500 on moving (i'd even like to give the bulk of it back to her).
i got a little overwhelmed for a moment and should have chosen my words more carefully. if i could rephrase that....
i find the idea that you would need d or ferris there extremely insulting. i feel it's rooted in a vendetta rather than anything rational. whatever delusion it's rooted in is not remotely reflective of reality. it's the end of a long string of extremely insulting gestures from you that goes back many years.
i appreciate the things that you've done for me, including wiring me the money the other day. but i think it's going to be better for both of us if we go our separate ways next week and no longer communicate at all. i think i've tried hard to be accommodating and accepting of you as somebody that is drastically different than me, and the sum of what i've received back is a lack of respect for who i am and what i want out of life. instead of being supportive in my decisions and helping me reach the goals that i've set for myself, which is what a good parent or parental substitute should do, you've consistently tried to force your own perceptions and ideals upon me. when you disagree with a decision, you withhold support and/or try and sabotage it. i don't think it's healthy for us to continue under these conditions.
again, i'm sorry for the language i used. while i legitimately feel your tactics are sometimes hateful and sometimes childish, and often vengeful, there wasn't anything to be gained by being standoffish or confrontational.
it's just a few more days. i'd be happy if we could get through this without fighting. i'll promise to try my best to not start an argument, and hope the feeling is mutual.
j
sung with a bluesy swagger...
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
didn't know where i was, or if you'd see me no more
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
just had a crash course at the school of hard knocks,
and all you wanted to do was smell my socks.
all you wanted to do was
SMELL MY SOCKS
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
didn't know where i was, or if you'd see me no more
(several bars of electronic chaos)
you meowed for an hour when i came in the door
(several bars of electronic chaos)
just had a crash course at the school of hard knocks,
and all you wanted to do was smell my socks.
all you wanted to do was
SMELL MY SOCKS
Re: Coat
From: "Jessica Murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm going to call sears in the morning. that credit shouldn't just vanish. can i ask how much it was? it does make more sense to get things in windsor, but there's a sears in windsor....
there's a stove and a fridge there, but the landlord has waved responsibility in dealing with them. given that he's only charging $650 rent all inclusive...that's going to barely cover utilities and property taxes. this place would be about at least $1200 here. he'd be losing money if he replaced them. well, that's windsor, for you; at least by renting it, he's not just paying out taxes. i haven't plugged the stove in yet, but he says it works. i may be able to use it. the fridge is broken....
i'll give her the coat back, but i think she's being very selfish. it's going to sit in her closet; i could be wearing it. hell, i'd rather see it donated to charity than placed in the back of a closet. that's the least useful option. and i think he'd agree with me. jewelry and pens and trophies are meant to kept for souvenirs; clothing is meant to be worn.
i should be able to lift the boxes myself, there's nothing heavy being moved.
i'm going to go to odsp tomorrow and ask about the moving supplement. the website claims it's discretionary. i need to know if there is anything that is definitely *not* covered, and what things are most likely to be covered.
one of the ideas i'm thinking about is renting space in the back of a large truck. like, getting a trucker to stop by and pick the stuff up, then hitching with the trucker down. i'd only do that if it's really cheap. there are websites set up for this purpose. so far, the responses have been very expensive, but i'm going to give that a few days to work itself out. i wouldn't be able to know too far in advance, but it would be some time early next week.
i also may end up shipping things out by train or bus, in which case i'd need to make multiple trips and/or ask you to help me get the stuff there with your van (if it's still around - i haven't seen it recently).
the other option is to ask my mother to drive a budget van down. with gas and a bus ticket back, that's going to cost roughly $450. that's not so bad for a most expensive option, especially if odsp covers most of it.
i'll try to get more info in the next few days. but i don't really have any interest in playing stupid games, and would appreciate it if you didn't stoop so low as to waste d's time with your hateful tactics of childish vengeance.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm going to call sears in the morning. that credit shouldn't just vanish. can i ask how much it was? it does make more sense to get things in windsor, but there's a sears in windsor....
there's a stove and a fridge there, but the landlord has waved responsibility in dealing with them. given that he's only charging $650 rent all inclusive...that's going to barely cover utilities and property taxes. this place would be about at least $1200 here. he'd be losing money if he replaced them. well, that's windsor, for you; at least by renting it, he's not just paying out taxes. i haven't plugged the stove in yet, but he says it works. i may be able to use it. the fridge is broken....
i'll give her the coat back, but i think she's being very selfish. it's going to sit in her closet; i could be wearing it. hell, i'd rather see it donated to charity than placed in the back of a closet. that's the least useful option. and i think he'd agree with me. jewelry and pens and trophies are meant to kept for souvenirs; clothing is meant to be worn.
i should be able to lift the boxes myself, there's nothing heavy being moved.
i'm going to go to odsp tomorrow and ask about the moving supplement. the website claims it's discretionary. i need to know if there is anything that is definitely *not* covered, and what things are most likely to be covered.
one of the ideas i'm thinking about is renting space in the back of a large truck. like, getting a trucker to stop by and pick the stuff up, then hitching with the trucker down. i'd only do that if it's really cheap. there are websites set up for this purpose. so far, the responses have been very expensive, but i'm going to give that a few days to work itself out. i wouldn't be able to know too far in advance, but it would be some time early next week.
i also may end up shipping things out by train or bus, in which case i'd need to make multiple trips and/or ask you to help me get the stuff there with your van (if it's still around - i haven't seen it recently).
the other option is to ask my mother to drive a budget van down. with gas and a bus ticket back, that's going to cost roughly $450. that's not so bad for a most expensive option, especially if odsp covers most of it.
i'll try to get more info in the next few days. but i don't really have any interest in playing stupid games, and would appreciate it if you didn't stoop so low as to waste d's time with your hateful tactics of childish vengeance.
j
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