ESA
How are you doing?
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm
alright. i had a little cry this morning, but it passed quickly. i'll
probably take the bus home...the funeral is on wednesday... i was
expecting a wire transfer from my step mother a few days ago, but it
didn't go through because she couldn't leave the room while he was
dying. everything revolved around that transfer. i'm not certain it's
coming anymore. so i'm stressing about that a bit. but i'm emotionally
stable. i mean, this has been two years coming. i've had a lot of time
to cope. it was just watching him go through the process of actually
dying that i wanted to avoid. it might hit me harder later, but right
now i'm really more glad it's over for everybody - especially him. he
was always very stoic, but the last few months were terrible for him.
i
was hoping to get a room by noon and start calling people, but i need
the transfer to cover it. i sent a lot of emails out last night and
didn't get anything back except 'rented'. it's getting late, though, so
i'm going to hit the pay phones....
ESA
:( :( :( :( :( :( :(
so you're still in Windsor? When is the bus ?
I'll see I I can find you money or something
Jessica Amber Murray
you
*are* turning into your mother - yes i'm in windsor!! i'd catch the bus
out probably tuesday night, maybe wednesday morning. i'll find a way to
scrobble something together, don't worry about it....it'll be either my
stepmother or my grandmother at the last minute...
ESA
WOAH
I AM A MOM.
It didn't click in until right now.
Jessica Amber Murray
lols.
i think you can settle for worried friend :P. i'll be in windsor until i
bus out, though, k? i'll be in ottawa for wednesday at the latest. and
i'm leaving with a place, too. in fact, i already have one. i just have
to get him a check. i'm pretty sure i have two, even. i'm just looking
to see if i can find something better... all is well.
ESA
If I can't take Leroy, do you want him for a bit? I'l buy kitty pheromones
I found a room, I think with some artist/photographer lady. she seems kewl.
It would be until I find a permanent place for him. I'll pay for food and litter and stuff
Jessica Amber Murray
actually,
i kind of wanted to have a talk with you about crashing with leroy.
i've seen what leroy is capable of. i think it depends on the place. i
don't mind cats in general, but leroy has some glandular problems and
some anger management issues and i'm not really comfortable with dealing
with that. with the one on high street, i think he could be an outside
cat for a few weeks. i could put some food out for him. if he wants to
chill, we can play in the yard. in the house? not so keen on that. for
the one on marion (which is the one i really want), it's a little less
safe for him to be outside, i think. there's a yard in the back, but i
suspect he'd escape. maybe the change of scenery will modify his
behaviour. in all honesty, though, i'd prefer you find another person to
watch him for a bit.
ESA
I think he needs
to be outside. he has so much energy. He's been great for the last 2
weeks though. ever since i got rid of that couch.
Jessica Amber Murray
hrmmn.
well, i'm not going to make a decision that's going to result in you
losing your cat. can you brainstorm other ideas, though?
ESA
somebody else in Windsor. They haven't emailed me back, but it seems like its a ground floor house...
I meant, the place with the room is a ground floor house.
If they don't want him, then maybe he can live with illuminous? But I don't know what his plans are
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i like being the backup plan for leroy better :)
ESA
kk :)
Jessica Amber Murray
i
also just want to reiterate that if you're just looking to crash for a
few weeks and then find something else then i'm perfectly comfortable
with you crashing with me. not pressuring, just pointing out that you
don't *have* to pay that temporary rent (although i suppose it was smart
to plan around me, considering my payment plan is in a questionable
state)
i think illuminous mentioned that if he doesn't
hear back from one of the places that an application was filled out for
then he's going to stay in ottawa. that being said, i think he was kind
of basing his decision on living with at least one of us. and guess it's
down to etan at this point.
ESA
Yeah. I
just don't want to deal with the pressure of dealing with them. If
illuminous wants a roommate, then he should find one, and not rely on me
to figure it out. Maybe he can contact etan.
I'm going to talk to him tomorrow about it. Or the next day. Need a few to figure my own shit out
Jessica Amber Murray
k.
sorry to be apprehensive about leroy, but if you need me to do anything
else down here in the next day or two or the next upcoming weeks i
probably can.
ESA
No probs. I got
everything under control. Also, you can use all my stuff if u
want......shower curtain, dishes etc. I dont want to pay for a storage
container
Jessica Amber Murray
i should
have a ton of that stuff, but i don't mind hanging on to it. i should
have a little bit of temporary storage space. not a whole lot, though.
ESA
Oh oknever mind then. I just thought u might need it.
Jessica Amber Murray
i've
still got dishes and most other things of the nature from my last
place. they're in my dad's garage. like, i'm going to need a big van to
move. and a shower curtain is $5.
ESA
Lol my shower curtain waa fifty
Jessica Amber Murray
is it made of out of print vinyl? wow....
ESA
Well its a cloth one which was 35 and the liner was 7
Its very beautiful
God im bourgie
Jessica Amber Murray
aaaah. well, maybe i *will* take your shmancy shower curtain, then!
ESA
Ok but ill want it back. It was sort of an investment for my future.
Jessica Amber Murray
you should put it in a lock box, the value of cloth grows exponentially over time.
ESA
Hahahjaha
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Re: your dad
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
ok. presuming some money gets wired from one source or the other, i'll take the bus home on tuesday night or very early wednesday morning. it's about ten hours. nana won't be back in town until tonight. i should probably book that soon, though. what time are you planning for?
i have something lined up for sure tomorrow afternoon, i just have to get him a letter from odsp (which i'll have to get in the morning) and a check, but there's another place i like better that i'm hoping to hear back from first. i'll have to call them in the morning. thing is i can't stall the other one too long.....
j
To: stepmother’s email address
ok. presuming some money gets wired from one source or the other, i'll take the bus home on tuesday night or very early wednesday morning. it's about ten hours. nana won't be back in town until tonight. i should probably book that soon, though. what time are you planning for?
i have something lined up for sure tomorrow afternoon, i just have to get him a letter from odsp (which i'll have to get in the morning) and a check, but there's another place i like better that i'm hoping to hear back from first. i'll have to call them in the morning. thing is i can't stall the other one too long.....
j
RE: your dad
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
We are looking at Wednesday for the funeral....
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
We are looking at Wednesday for the funeral....
Re: i'm in windsor
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
he died this morning, around 1:45.
i think it's for the best that the process is over. it's been long, slow and painful for everybody, especially for him. with the kind of life he's been living over the last few months, death should be viewed as an escape from the cage of conscious existence.
it seems like what they did was take him off the anti-seizures and then load him up with sedatives. i haven't heard the exact cause yet, but it was probably a brain hemorrhage, and he probably went in his sleep.
there wasn't any other possible outcome. the drugs were just prolonging the inevitable.
that means she should, in theory, be able to wire it today. i'd appreciate it if you acted otherwise unless i send another email, though. she's not always reliable in the best of times, and she rarely is in the worst of them. if she's mad at me or resentful over me not being there, she won't wire it. altruism and empathy are two of the things that her psychological conditions do not allow for.
i'll be back in town in a few days for the funeral. i couldn't handle watching him die, but i definitely want to go to that. i need to find out when that is, too. i want to get something signed in the next day or two, get the keys, then leave immediately afterwards.
if neither of you wire it, i'm sort of fucked. if you both wire it, i can just give you the money back when i get back.
i'll let you know if she sends me any more info.
j
To: grandmother’s email address
he died this morning, around 1:45.
i think it's for the best that the process is over. it's been long, slow and painful for everybody, especially for him. with the kind of life he's been living over the last few months, death should be viewed as an escape from the cage of conscious existence.
it seems like what they did was take him off the anti-seizures and then load him up with sedatives. i haven't heard the exact cause yet, but it was probably a brain hemorrhage, and he probably went in his sleep.
there wasn't any other possible outcome. the drugs were just prolonging the inevitable.
that means she should, in theory, be able to wire it today. i'd appreciate it if you acted otherwise unless i send another email, though. she's not always reliable in the best of times, and she rarely is in the worst of them. if she's mad at me or resentful over me not being there, she won't wire it. altruism and empathy are two of the things that her psychological conditions do not allow for.
i'll be back in town in a few days for the funeral. i couldn't handle watching him die, but i definitely want to go to that. i need to find out when that is, too. i want to get something signed in the next day or two, get the keys, then leave immediately afterwards.
if neither of you wire it, i'm sort of fucked. if you both wire it, i can just give you the money back when i get back.
i'll let you know if she sends me any more info.
j
Re: your dad
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i couldn't be there at the end, but i would like to be home for the funeral.
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i couldn't be there at the end, but i would like to be home for the funeral.
your dad
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Passed away Sunday morning at 1:45
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Passed away Sunday morning at 1:45
Saturday, July 27, 2013
you, you’re awesome
ESA
Jess, you're awesome.
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks?
ESA
i just read your post.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
ESA
next time i see you, im gonna give you a hug
Jessica Amber Murray
k. thanks.
ESA
are you still in Windsor?
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
i'll be here a few more days.
i'm not going to do the hostel thing tonight, but i probably will tomorrow.
ESA
oh ok
did you have a fun day with ZID ?
Jessica Amber Murray
zid?
ESA
the wobblies.
Jessica Amber Murray
oh, no. i left before they got up. i know you're thinking i should call them. mackaye did give me his number. i'm kind of enjoying sitting alone in the coffee shop for the night, though. if things get heavy, though, i won't hesitate. i know my trigger symptoms.
ESA
ok, or if you want to call me thats cool too
Jessica Amber Murray
umm. are *you* still in windsor?
ESA
no
Jessica Amber Murray
k. yeah, i think i'm ok. i'm just really....calm. i'll probably want to talk later, in small bits. but right now, not so much.
ESA
Ok. I'm going to bed around midnight hopefully. have to work in the morning.
Jessica Amber Murray
sleep well, erin.
ESA
good luck in the hunt.
call me if you need to
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks :)
Jess, you're awesome.
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks?
ESA
i just read your post.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
ESA
next time i see you, im gonna give you a hug
Jessica Amber Murray
k. thanks.
ESA
are you still in Windsor?
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah.
i'll be here a few more days.
i'm not going to do the hostel thing tonight, but i probably will tomorrow.
ESA
oh ok
did you have a fun day with ZID ?
Jessica Amber Murray
zid?
ESA
the wobblies.
Jessica Amber Murray
oh, no. i left before they got up. i know you're thinking i should call them. mackaye did give me his number. i'm kind of enjoying sitting alone in the coffee shop for the night, though. if things get heavy, though, i won't hesitate. i know my trigger symptoms.
ESA
ok, or if you want to call me thats cool too
Jessica Amber Murray
umm. are *you* still in windsor?
ESA
no
Jessica Amber Murray
k. yeah, i think i'm ok. i'm just really....calm. i'll probably want to talk later, in small bits. but right now, not so much.
ESA
Ok. I'm going to bed around midnight hopefully. have to work in the morning.
Jessica Amber Murray
sleep well, erin.
ESA
good luck in the hunt.
call me if you need to
Jessica Amber Murray
thanks :)
so, i'm slowly sorting through apartment listings in a tim horton's in windsor by myself because i'm afraid that if i go home i'll get episodic.
the irony was never really lost on me. i first clued in on the ride here. i almost didn't leave at all; i didn't think i was in a stable enough mindset. i thought i felt him pass on sunday night and took it as evidence of needing to turtle for a few days. that was a freaky night (this is why i slept in and screwed up my plan). i felt alright enough in the morning, though. or did i just trigger myself? was not feeling episodic a part of the episode? i'm still not sure. at least i feel fairly calm. i've been calm all week, pretty much. well, i got a little snappy in a game of scrabble, but that's it. i'm not at all frantic in any way. i'm just slowly sorting through apartment listings in a tim horton's in windsor by myself.
very calmly.
if i can compare episodes and argue that one type of episode is better than the other, i think i picked the less harmful option. i trust my ability to improvise more than i trust my ability to cope.
all hope is lost, but he's still hanging on. he wasn't supposed to make it through wednesday night. he wasn't supposed to make it through 2012, either. he has a habit of making it through things nobody expects him to make it through. so, it's sort of typical.
fuck, he might hang on until i get home.
no. he won't.
and then it won't be home anymore...
i recognize that this seems like a strange thing to think about on the brink of one's father's death. a monty python skit? yeah. but, it was a frequently reproduced one. he strongly identified with the black knight, here. i'm not sure how he managed to interpret the skit as a parable for perseverance, but he somehow did. if there was a hint of irony, a touch of sarcasm, a commentary on the futility of struggle, then i never really picked up on it.
it's a dark analogy, but it's been running through my mind the whole week.
the irony was never really lost on me. i first clued in on the ride here. i almost didn't leave at all; i didn't think i was in a stable enough mindset. i thought i felt him pass on sunday night and took it as evidence of needing to turtle for a few days. that was a freaky night (this is why i slept in and screwed up my plan). i felt alright enough in the morning, though. or did i just trigger myself? was not feeling episodic a part of the episode? i'm still not sure. at least i feel fairly calm. i've been calm all week, pretty much. well, i got a little snappy in a game of scrabble, but that's it. i'm not at all frantic in any way. i'm just slowly sorting through apartment listings in a tim horton's in windsor by myself.
very calmly.
if i can compare episodes and argue that one type of episode is better than the other, i think i picked the less harmful option. i trust my ability to improvise more than i trust my ability to cope.
all hope is lost, but he's still hanging on. he wasn't supposed to make it through wednesday night. he wasn't supposed to make it through 2012, either. he has a habit of making it through things nobody expects him to make it through. so, it's sort of typical.
fuck, he might hang on until i get home.
no. he won't.
and then it won't be home anymore...
i recognize that this seems like a strange thing to think about on the brink of one's father's death. a monty python skit? yeah. but, it was a frequently reproduced one. he strongly identified with the black knight, here. i'm not sure how he managed to interpret the skit as a parable for perseverance, but he somehow did. if there was a hint of irony, a touch of sarcasm, a commentary on the futility of struggle, then i never really picked up on it.
it's a dark analogy, but it's been running through my mind the whole week.
Re: i'm in windsor
From: Jessica Murray<death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
ugh. ok. this is the email i didn't want to send...
i think i've found a nice spot that i like. it's a really nice two bedroom basement apartment in a traditional italian design. 1000 square feet. $650 all inclusive. i'm waiting to hear back, but could move in on the first. i've also found a second place that's about the same price, but a little further out of town. it's mine if i can get him first and last by monday.
now, i can handle most of first and last if i can get him to give me lease info and then wait until the first. unfortunately, that will probably cause me to lose the apartment.
i had a talk with my step-mother the other day and she said she was going to start wiring me around $400 on a monthly basis. the first and last depended on the odsp (which needs a lease) and the wire. she can't do the wire right now because he's literally on his death bed and cannot leave his side. it'll be any day now.
i feel i'm better off not being there. i've been through several mental collapses over the last few years, and i'm virtually certain that watching him convulse and cry and scream in fear and pain as he takes his last few breaths is going to send me right to the crazy house. i have to place reason over passion, here. i'm going to continue living. my mental health consequently takes priority. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little upset about this, but that's just how it is.
i also feel like i've already let go. really, he died a long time ago as far as i'm concerned. i thought he was dead when he went for the last surgery. i thought he was dead when he was in the hospital. i've done my crying, gone through my stages of loss and don't want to trigger myself back into it. i want to carry on, now.
i could wait for a few days, but that means i'd be looking for something for september and wasting lots of money on lots of silly things (i haven't paid for a hotel room yet but would have to if i'm here that much longer, eating fast food, etc). also, i just want to get this over with. and i honestly like this place.
so, i'm wondering if you could transfer me about $1500 asap. it can actually be done over the internet. i can get $650 of that back to you on the first of august, $400 near the beginning of september and the rest at the beginning of october.....unless she wires a larger chunk, in which case i could get it all back to you sooner.
after that, i can also start paying you back some of the other money i owe you. i can do something like $200/month.
again, i didn't want to send this. the money is coming in, though, and i am certain it will come back to you relatively quickly.
j
To: grandmother’s email address
ugh. ok. this is the email i didn't want to send...
i think i've found a nice spot that i like. it's a really nice two bedroom basement apartment in a traditional italian design. 1000 square feet. $650 all inclusive. i'm waiting to hear back, but could move in on the first. i've also found a second place that's about the same price, but a little further out of town. it's mine if i can get him first and last by monday.
now, i can handle most of first and last if i can get him to give me lease info and then wait until the first. unfortunately, that will probably cause me to lose the apartment.
i had a talk with my step-mother the other day and she said she was going to start wiring me around $400 on a monthly basis. the first and last depended on the odsp (which needs a lease) and the wire. she can't do the wire right now because he's literally on his death bed and cannot leave his side. it'll be any day now.
i feel i'm better off not being there. i've been through several mental collapses over the last few years, and i'm virtually certain that watching him convulse and cry and scream in fear and pain as he takes his last few breaths is going to send me right to the crazy house. i have to place reason over passion, here. i'm going to continue living. my mental health consequently takes priority. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a little upset about this, but that's just how it is.
i also feel like i've already let go. really, he died a long time ago as far as i'm concerned. i thought he was dead when he went for the last surgery. i thought he was dead when he was in the hospital. i've done my crying, gone through my stages of loss and don't want to trigger myself back into it. i want to carry on, now.
i could wait for a few days, but that means i'd be looking for something for september and wasting lots of money on lots of silly things (i haven't paid for a hotel room yet but would have to if i'm here that much longer, eating fast food, etc). also, i just want to get this over with. and i honestly like this place.
so, i'm wondering if you could transfer me about $1500 asap. it can actually be done over the internet. i can get $650 of that back to you on the first of august, $400 near the beginning of september and the rest at the beginning of october.....unless she wires a larger chunk, in which case i could get it all back to you sooner.
after that, i can also start paying you back some of the other money i owe you. i can do something like $200/month.
this is
the necessary bank info:
account
#: ***************
branch
no: *******
institution
no: *** (scotiabank)
swift
code: *******
again, i didn't want to send this. the money is coming in, though, and i am certain it will come back to you relatively quickly.
j
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i had to ask, in all honesty. i couldn't handle what you're doing right now at all, and am not even going to try and say anything.
he knows i love him, but make sure it's clear if he asks.
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm sorry i had to ask, in all honesty. i couldn't handle what you're doing right now at all, and am not even going to try and say anything.
he knows i love him, but make sure it's clear if he asks.
j
too little, too late
ESA
Hey i think im quitting smoking
Well cutting down to five a day.
Jessica Amber Murray
probably a good idea. i'm going to need to do that soon, too. the drinking is also going to be cut down a lot when i get my shit set up. i'm going to try and set up some more viewings over the next few days. i think i'm going to give myself until the first to try and find something here before i move on to other cities in the area, but i think it should find something by monday, probably. i may settle for a one bedroom, if it's big enough, and just never invite anybody over for drinks. i'm finding nice ones for around 550-600 all inclusive, and nice two bedrooms for around 650 after utilities (or all inclusive), meaning that, realistically, you're probably looking at around 450-550 for a nice bachelor in a non-crappy area. that's not the $300 that you were hoping for, but it's still relatively cheap (those prices are impossible in ottawa). how you feeling about things, really? i know this trip was probably sort of a downer and not just because nothing was found but because it doesn't seem like what you were hoping to find is currently on the market. if you want to rant at all, let loose. it'd be nice to have a friend down here, but don't forget that staying at carleton and in ottawa remains an option.
if you really really want the space for your cat and the possibility of maybe moving a piano in, you could always try to get a room in somebody else's house. chances are low that they'll even run a credit check at all. there seems to be a lot of listings like this for 300-450. here's one...http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-ViewAd?AdId=500184770
ESA
i'm definitely leaving ottawa. I have to. I dont have any options. The trip was not such a downer... it was good, but me finding an apartment was sabotaged. Im also quite frustrated about my friendship with iluminous, and that he can't make decisions for himself. Its a lot of pressure to figure shit out for two people. I've been feeling lately that people take advantage of my initiative, like I'm being followed around by a bunch of lost puppies all of the time. I'm going to start figuring things out for myself first, because I'm not together enough to figure shit out for other people.
Well you weren't a lost puppy, you were just waiting things out.
I'm not going to talk over the internet.
Could you please help me find a place once you're in Windsor?
Jessica Amber Murray
yup, i'll help. this place might be big enough for the two of us, if you could handle living with me. well, if we could handle living together. getting a piano down the stairs might be a problem. but it looks like there's enough space for one down there. good cat neighbourhood. a bit out of town, though. not too bad. it's south of the centre of the city, at least. looks about the same distance as westboro to the rideau centre (if i were to guess). http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-2-BDRM-650-00-HYDRO-HEAT-INCLUDED-CLOSE-TO-DEVONSHIRE-MALL-W0QQAdIdZ506973240
ESA
this one? i'm looking for you
http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-Just-reduced-avail-Immediately-Great-Central-Location-595-W0QQAdIdZ507889145
and then i'll come crash if i need to
Jessica Amber Murray
ESA
You should get the one on high street. its super nice.
Jessica Amber Murray
it is, but it's far. and the other one is actually *nicer*.
Hey i think im quitting smoking
Well cutting down to five a day.
Jessica Amber Murray
probably a good idea. i'm going to need to do that soon, too. the drinking is also going to be cut down a lot when i get my shit set up. i'm going to try and set up some more viewings over the next few days. i think i'm going to give myself until the first to try and find something here before i move on to other cities in the area, but i think it should find something by monday, probably. i may settle for a one bedroom, if it's big enough, and just never invite anybody over for drinks. i'm finding nice ones for around 550-600 all inclusive, and nice two bedrooms for around 650 after utilities (or all inclusive), meaning that, realistically, you're probably looking at around 450-550 for a nice bachelor in a non-crappy area. that's not the $300 that you were hoping for, but it's still relatively cheap (those prices are impossible in ottawa). how you feeling about things, really? i know this trip was probably sort of a downer and not just because nothing was found but because it doesn't seem like what you were hoping to find is currently on the market. if you want to rant at all, let loose. it'd be nice to have a friend down here, but don't forget that staying at carleton and in ottawa remains an option.
if you really really want the space for your cat and the possibility of maybe moving a piano in, you could always try to get a room in somebody else's house. chances are low that they'll even run a credit check at all. there seems to be a lot of listings like this for 300-450. here's one...http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-ViewAd?AdId=500184770
ESA
i'm definitely leaving ottawa. I have to. I dont have any options. The trip was not such a downer... it was good, but me finding an apartment was sabotaged. Im also quite frustrated about my friendship with iluminous, and that he can't make decisions for himself. Its a lot of pressure to figure shit out for two people. I've been feeling lately that people take advantage of my initiative, like I'm being followed around by a bunch of lost puppies all of the time. I'm going to start figuring things out for myself first, because I'm not together enough to figure shit out for other people.
Well you weren't a lost puppy, you were just waiting things out.
I'm not going to talk over the internet.
Could you please help me find a place once you're in Windsor?
Jessica Amber Murray
yup, i'll help. this place might be big enough for the two of us, if you could handle living with me. well, if we could handle living together. getting a piano down the stairs might be a problem. but it looks like there's enough space for one down there. good cat neighbourhood. a bit out of town, though. not too bad. it's south of the centre of the city, at least. looks about the same distance as westboro to the rideau centre (if i were to guess). http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-2-BDRM-650-00-HYDRO-HEAT-INCLUDED-CLOSE-TO-DEVONSHIRE-MALL-W0QQAdIdZ506973240
ESA
this one? i'm looking for you
http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-Just-reduced-avail-Immediately-Great-Central-Location-595-W0QQAdIdZ507889145
and then i'll come crash if i need to
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah,
i saw that one, but i can't handle $800 after utilities. if you're more
comfortable crashing and finding your own place, that's fine. that one i
sent just looks unusually huge, and we'd both save some cash in the
end... the one i saw yesterday is this one: http://www.rent4all.ca/listings/tohouse.php?id=992_1&s=.
sucks that there aren't pictures, but it's as nice inside as the one i
saw today (and have if i want it) which is here (and has pictures). http://windsor.kijiji.ca/c-real-estate-apartments-condos-2-bedroom-2-bedroom-upper-duplex-unit-5-min-east-of-Walkerville-area-W0QQAdIdZ507622327
ESA
You should get the one on high street. its super nice.
Jessica Amber Murray
it is, but it's far. and the other one is actually *nicer*.
RE: i'm in mississaugua
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I am sitting by your dad while he is dying. I cannot leave for any reason so I suggest at this time you ask your grandmother....
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
I am sitting by your dad while he is dying. I cannot leave for any reason so I suggest at this time you ask your grandmother....
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i got the message from my sister saying he probably wouldn't make it through the night. i know i'm far away, but i also know there's not much i can say or do right now.
i tried to explain to my sister that i feel it's better for my own mental health to stay away from everything right now. i don't think i can do anything for anybody else, either. i've done a little crying over the last week, but i'm in a stable mental state right now and i kind of want to keep myself that way. when i get overwhelmed by things, i'm prone to extreme mental collapses and irrational, outlandish behaviour. when i'm not overwhelmed i'm the opposite; i suppose this is one of those times where i'm just being incomprehensibly rational: i feel i'm at peace, that everything that needed to be said and felt and released has happened, and that the only possible result of being there would have been to create a level of trauma that would haunt me for the next several years or decades. i'm sorry, but i feel it's better for me to avoid that.
i know this isn't the best time to ask, but i need to ask you to wire some cash. i guess we talked about this, but my plan for first and last has run into some complications. i was thinking i'd sign a lease for the upcoming month, then get the lease to odsp. at that point, they'd give me enough cash for first and last. however, it seems that the places i've been looking at want the money before the first. odsp won't front it. i could borrow the money from my grandmother, but the end result is that it would be repaid from the money you're giving me anyways.
i understand why right now isn't the best time to have this talk, but if it's possible to send me around $2000 in the next day or two that should be enough to let me get things in order and then some (in fact, it'd give me significant breathing room). we can talk about how we want to do the rest later (i'd prefer to let the $2000 be a five or six month advance and then do it monthly, but we can talk later).
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i got the message from my sister saying he probably wouldn't make it through the night. i know i'm far away, but i also know there's not much i can say or do right now.
i tried to explain to my sister that i feel it's better for my own mental health to stay away from everything right now. i don't think i can do anything for anybody else, either. i've done a little crying over the last week, but i'm in a stable mental state right now and i kind of want to keep myself that way. when i get overwhelmed by things, i'm prone to extreme mental collapses and irrational, outlandish behaviour. when i'm not overwhelmed i'm the opposite; i suppose this is one of those times where i'm just being incomprehensibly rational: i feel i'm at peace, that everything that needed to be said and felt and released has happened, and that the only possible result of being there would have been to create a level of trauma that would haunt me for the next several years or decades. i'm sorry, but i feel it's better for me to avoid that.
i know this isn't the best time to ask, but i need to ask you to wire some cash. i guess we talked about this, but my plan for first and last has run into some complications. i was thinking i'd sign a lease for the upcoming month, then get the lease to odsp. at that point, they'd give me enough cash for first and last. however, it seems that the places i've been looking at want the money before the first. odsp won't front it. i could borrow the money from my grandmother, but the end result is that it would be repaid from the money you're giving me anyways.
i understand why right now isn't the best time to have this talk, but if it's possible to send me around $2000 in the next day or two that should be enough to let me get things in order and then some (in fact, it'd give me significant breathing room). we can talk about how we want to do the rest later (i'd prefer to let the $2000 be a five or six month advance and then do it monthly, but we can talk later).
j
a high stakes game of russian poker
Jessica Amber Murray
i definitely got the place i looked at today. dude thought i was awesome in the unstable sort of way. he thought odsp + unstable mental health + musician + hitchhiking was like the definition of being cool. i'm supposed to drop him off first/last tomorrow afternoon, and get the keys on tuesday. i'm going to try and stall him for a few days, though. the location has pros and cons. it's a five minute walk to the east of walkerville, on the other side of a trainyard. getting there means walking all the way around the train yard and then all the way under the train yard. clearly a con in terms of travel time, but also a pro in terms of it being isolated. it's also on the edge of an older working class neighbourhood that's in the process of being updated to newer houses. no human would possible go to this street unless they lived on it. i sort of like that. it's cheap. 595 + hydro. but the other one was 650 all inclusive, bigger, nicer and in a more central part of town. so, i'd rather take the other place, but i don't hate this place, either. i don't know when i'll hear back, though. so, it's kind of a tender operation - if i stall this guy too long he'll rent it to somebody else. let's hope i can juggle this right.... if things fall through and one or both of you come back looking again, i suggest you try to avoid the rental companies in favour of going directly to small property owners. that's what i've learned from this experience. no management company would think hitching for hundreds of kilometres to build a recording studio is a cool thing to do. either way, i'll be in windsor for a while still. i'm currently in the walkerville branch of the windsor public library, which is on tecumseh just southeast of where we were staying. this afternoon, i'm going to do a really comprehensive survey of the rental market in southern ontario.
ESA
How long u in Windsor for?
Jessica Amber Murray
not sure. depends. if i get the place i liked, possibly forever (except to come back and get shit).
ESA
Hehe kewl
i definitely got the place i looked at today. dude thought i was awesome in the unstable sort of way. he thought odsp + unstable mental health + musician + hitchhiking was like the definition of being cool. i'm supposed to drop him off first/last tomorrow afternoon, and get the keys on tuesday. i'm going to try and stall him for a few days, though. the location has pros and cons. it's a five minute walk to the east of walkerville, on the other side of a trainyard. getting there means walking all the way around the train yard and then all the way under the train yard. clearly a con in terms of travel time, but also a pro in terms of it being isolated. it's also on the edge of an older working class neighbourhood that's in the process of being updated to newer houses. no human would possible go to this street unless they lived on it. i sort of like that. it's cheap. 595 + hydro. but the other one was 650 all inclusive, bigger, nicer and in a more central part of town. so, i'd rather take the other place, but i don't hate this place, either. i don't know when i'll hear back, though. so, it's kind of a tender operation - if i stall this guy too long he'll rent it to somebody else. let's hope i can juggle this right.... if things fall through and one or both of you come back looking again, i suggest you try to avoid the rental companies in favour of going directly to small property owners. that's what i've learned from this experience. no management company would think hitching for hundreds of kilometres to build a recording studio is a cool thing to do. either way, i'll be in windsor for a while still. i'm currently in the walkerville branch of the windsor public library, which is on tecumseh just southeast of where we were staying. this afternoon, i'm going to do a really comprehensive survey of the rental market in southern ontario.
ESA
How long u in Windsor for?
Jessica Amber Murray
not sure. depends. if i get the place i liked, possibly forever (except to come back and get shit).
ESA
Hehe kewl
mom
So...Do you think that you will be actually living in Windsor? Can I come and visit you!? I would love to live there! So much warmer!...
I lived there for about 4 months way back when the distant, unknown aunt and the correspondingly distant and unknown uncle lived in a trailor there. I lived with them and worked as a waitress. I loved it!
It was more like 8 months actually.
Jessica Amber Murray
it appears that way, but i'm not entirely sure yet. i'm going to spend a few days exploring the area on my way home. i think i will end up somewhere in southern ontario though. i'll let you know what's going on when i know more.
mom
K...Good Luck! Love You. ^_^
Jessica Amber Murray
here's an email address i check regularly in case you go off facebook again: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
So...Do you think that you will be actually living in Windsor? Can I come and visit you!? I would love to live there! So much warmer!...
I lived there for about 4 months way back when the distant, unknown aunt and the correspondingly distant and unknown uncle lived in a trailor there. I lived with them and worked as a waitress. I loved it!
It was more like 8 months actually.
Jessica Amber Murray
it appears that way, but i'm not entirely sure yet. i'm going to spend a few days exploring the area on my way home. i think i will end up somewhere in southern ontario though. i'll let you know what's going on when i know more.
mom
K...Good Luck! Love You. ^_^
Jessica Amber Murray
here's an email address i check regularly in case you go off facebook again: death.to.koalas@gmail.com
Re: dad
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i think i found a two bedroom in windsor. it's actually really, really nice. $650 all inclusive. i'll find out soon.
esa's mom vetoed letting her hitch with me and bought her a bus ticket. she went down on the bus with a mutual friend, illuminous. i kind of didn't want to spend $200 on bus tickets and hitched by myself.
hitching up the 401 is safe if you know how to do it, which is to hang out at truck stops. i hitched with truckers most of the way down and will hitch with truckers most of the way back. not a concern.
this guy illuminous is basically just following her around, and she's totally taking advantage of it. she would have been ok with us all getting a place together, but he keeps pushing for a two bedroom for the two of them and she doesn't want that. at all. yet, she needs to get to windsor because she's transferring to the university here. he kind of screwed things up, and it's kind of her fault for letting him rather than telling him to stay home.
so, it's now my responsibility to find a place she can crash at for a bit until she can find her own place. i totally saw this coming, though.
i'm going to take the slow route home. hit a few small towns. try and stay in the area in case something in windsor comes up for the first, or, if it doesn't, in case i can find something in another town around here.
so, i won't be home for at least a few days.
it seems like i'm moving on quickly. it's not like i haven't been thinking about this almost non-stop for the last two years. it's not like the decisions i'm making right now are in a vacuum. i'm sure you have, too.
i just feel like everything i have to let go of, to deal with, to compensate for and whatnot has already been worked through. death is final. i'm extremely glad they're medicating him. i hope it's as painless as possible. but i've dealt with that on a psychological and emotional level. as much respect as i have for dad, i realize that the exact emotions that run through his mind as he is dying are inconsequential to all remaining living beings. i need to focus on the living. i need to keep going. he'd want that.
at this point, i don't know if he made it through the night or not. he knows i love him, but if he needs reassurance you can tell him i've sent an email stating i do.
personally, i need to clear my head, not get bogged down in a type of depression that i don't have the psychological tools to deal with and prepare for the rest of my life.
jessica
To: sister’s email address
i think i found a two bedroom in windsor. it's actually really, really nice. $650 all inclusive. i'll find out soon.
esa's mom vetoed letting her hitch with me and bought her a bus ticket. she went down on the bus with a mutual friend, illuminous. i kind of didn't want to spend $200 on bus tickets and hitched by myself.
hitching up the 401 is safe if you know how to do it, which is to hang out at truck stops. i hitched with truckers most of the way down and will hitch with truckers most of the way back. not a concern.
this guy illuminous is basically just following her around, and she's totally taking advantage of it. she would have been ok with us all getting a place together, but he keeps pushing for a two bedroom for the two of them and she doesn't want that. at all. yet, she needs to get to windsor because she's transferring to the university here. he kind of screwed things up, and it's kind of her fault for letting him rather than telling him to stay home.
so, it's now my responsibility to find a place she can crash at for a bit until she can find her own place. i totally saw this coming, though.
i'm going to take the slow route home. hit a few small towns. try and stay in the area in case something in windsor comes up for the first, or, if it doesn't, in case i can find something in another town around here.
so, i won't be home for at least a few days.
it seems like i'm moving on quickly. it's not like i haven't been thinking about this almost non-stop for the last two years. it's not like the decisions i'm making right now are in a vacuum. i'm sure you have, too.
i just feel like everything i have to let go of, to deal with, to compensate for and whatnot has already been worked through. death is final. i'm extremely glad they're medicating him. i hope it's as painless as possible. but i've dealt with that on a psychological and emotional level. as much respect as i have for dad, i realize that the exact emotions that run through his mind as he is dying are inconsequential to all remaining living beings. i need to focus on the living. i need to keep going. he'd want that.
at this point, i don't know if he made it through the night or not. he knows i love him, but if he needs reassurance you can tell him i've sent an email stating i do.
personally, i need to clear my head, not get bogged down in a type of depression that i don't have the psychological tools to deal with and prepare for the rest of my life.
jessica
Friday, July 26, 2013
Re: dad
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i actually don't think i can handle that.
i know i can come off as a little cold sometimes, and i guess this is one of those situations. i think watching him die is just going to upset me. possibly extremely profoundly. i'd rather be as far away as possible.
i felt i said goodbye on the phone the other day, and i'm at peace with that.
i'm sorry. i just don't think i can handle it.
To: sister’s email address
i actually don't think i can handle that.
i know i can come off as a little cold sometimes, and i guess this is one of those situations. i think watching him die is just going to upset me. possibly extremely profoundly. i'd rather be as far away as possible.
i felt i said goodbye on the phone the other day, and i'm at peace with that.
i'm sorry. i just don't think i can handle it.
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm here with ESA and a mutual friend named illuminous. there is possibly a fourth person coming, etan.
the main idea was to try and find a house for super cheap. she doesn't want to pay more than $300, she wants space for a piano on the main floor and she wants a porch for her cat. i need studio space, which means i'd get the basement. i tried to explain before we left that we probably wouldn't find that. i mean, these places exist. we're staying in a hundred year old house with four bedrooms and a huge basement for $750. but they're not plentiful - there's nothing currently on the market. realistically, rent would have to be around $400-450, minimum. which is still cheap, but...
i was expecting this plan would fall through and i'd get a two bedroom, and i've told them that.
we were able to find one place and we put down an application for it but it's not really what any of us want. i'd get the attic rather than the basement. it's second floor. no porch (but a backyard). we don't think they'll rent to us, anyways.
they're going home tomorrow morning. i'll keep backpacking around the area.
keep me updated. i'm glad they're medicating him though, i really wasn't liking thinking about what he must be thinking.
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm here with ESA and a mutual friend named illuminous. there is possibly a fourth person coming, etan.
the main idea was to try and find a house for super cheap. she doesn't want to pay more than $300, she wants space for a piano on the main floor and she wants a porch for her cat. i need studio space, which means i'd get the basement. i tried to explain before we left that we probably wouldn't find that. i mean, these places exist. we're staying in a hundred year old house with four bedrooms and a huge basement for $750. but they're not plentiful - there's nothing currently on the market. realistically, rent would have to be around $400-450, minimum. which is still cheap, but...
i was expecting this plan would fall through and i'd get a two bedroom, and i've told them that.
we were able to find one place and we put down an application for it but it's not really what any of us want. i'd get the attic rather than the basement. it's second floor. no porch (but a backyard). we don't think they'll rent to us, anyways.
they're going home tomorrow morning. i'll keep backpacking around the area.
keep me updated. i'm glad they're medicating him though, i really wasn't liking thinking about what he must be thinking.
dad
From: sister’s email address
To: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
he’s not going to make it through the night tonight. they were surprised he made it through last night. if you want to say anything or simply be here, i suggest you come home asap.
To: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
he’s not going to make it through the night tonight. they were surprised he made it through last night. if you want to say anything or simply be here, i suggest you come home asap.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Re: i'm in windsor
From: grandmother’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I am glad you are safe!Take your time before committing to staying in Windsor, Perth certainly is a lot closer to this part of the world.I'm sorry to hear about your dad,I hope he dose not suffer too much.I have been back & forth to the apt & spent the past 2 days cleaning,vacumming etc quite a job!Leo has a dr's appointment tomorrow so kind of scary as it will tell us how the treatment is proceeding. We will then go to the cottage as normal on the weekend.Take care Jessica,thanks for the update I'll look forward to your next message.luv nana
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I am glad you are safe!Take your time before committing to staying in Windsor, Perth certainly is a lot closer to this part of the world.I'm sorry to hear about your dad,I hope he dose not suffer too much.I have been back & forth to the apt & spent the past 2 days cleaning,vacumming etc quite a job!Leo has a dr's appointment tomorrow so kind of scary as it will tell us how the treatment is proceeding. We will then go to the cottage as normal on the weekend.Take care Jessica,thanks for the update I'll look forward to your next message.luv nana
RE: i'm in mississaugua
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Your dad can no longer get out of bed. He is having a hard time with oral meds so most of his pills have been changed to injections. He is resting comfortably because the doctor has been giving him phenobarbital for seizures because she is reducing the other anti-seizure meds which must be taken orally.
He is thus sleeping a lot.
Did ESA go with you?
Stay safe!
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Your dad can no longer get out of bed. He is having a hard time with oral meds so most of his pills have been changed to injections. He is resting comfortably because the doctor has been giving him phenobarbital for seizures because she is reducing the other anti-seizure meds which must be taken orally.
He is thus sleeping a lot.
Did ESA go with you?
Stay safe!
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i made it to windsor. it took about 24 hours. i'm staying with a friend of a friend's.
windsor is a little boring, but i feel safe enough in certain areas. there's a few areas i'd want to avoid.
the price of a two bedroom for myself seems to be about 600-650. that's way cheaper than here, obviously. however, i'm going to be putting my standards up a bit, because it's boring. cornwall is also cheap and boring, but way closer.
if i can find something i really like, i'll stay. i'm not going to compromise or the sake of it being windsor, though.
i'm probably going to be gone a while, as i'm likely going to stop in a few other places. chatham is even cheaper, but i think i'll probably end up in waterloo. can you keep me updated on his status every day or two?
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i made it to windsor. it took about 24 hours. i'm staying with a friend of a friend's.
windsor is a little boring, but i feel safe enough in certain areas. there's a few areas i'd want to avoid.
the price of a two bedroom for myself seems to be about 600-650. that's way cheaper than here, obviously. however, i'm going to be putting my standards up a bit, because it's boring. cornwall is also cheap and boring, but way closer.
if i can find something i really like, i'll stay. i'm not going to compromise or the sake of it being windsor, though.
i'm probably going to be gone a while, as i'm likely going to stop in a few other places. chatham is even cheaper, but i think i'll probably end up in waterloo. can you keep me updated on his status every day or two?
j
i'm in windsor
from: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
it took about 24 hours to hitch here.
i'm staying at a friend of a friend's.
i'm looking at two bedroom apartments for myself. they're around $600-650, which is still very cheap. i'm going to see what's available and make a decision from there. windsor is kind of boring from my perspective, so i'm going to be setting my standards high. i don't totally mind living somewhere boring if i can get the space i need to record.
that being said, i'm going to check rent prices in places like perth before i make a decision. that's a lot closer.
i was upset the other day because my dad had just called. he was slipping into paralysis and was calling to say goodbye before he lost his ability to talk. i was really borderline in a state of shock. talking just didn't interest me, i wanted to think.
it's probably going to be a while before i get back. i'll keep you updated.
j
To: grandmother’s email address
it took about 24 hours to hitch here.
i'm staying at a friend of a friend's.
i'm looking at two bedroom apartments for myself. they're around $600-650, which is still very cheap. i'm going to see what's available and make a decision from there. windsor is kind of boring from my perspective, so i'm going to be setting my standards high. i don't totally mind living somewhere boring if i can get the space i need to record.
that being said, i'm going to check rent prices in places like perth before i make a decision. that's a lot closer.
i was upset the other day because my dad had just called. he was slipping into paralysis and was calling to say goodbye before he lost his ability to talk. i was really borderline in a state of shock. talking just didn't interest me, i wanted to think.
it's probably going to be a while before i get back. i'll keep you updated.
j
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
arriving in windsor for the first time
Jessica Amber Murray
i've been here for a little over an hour, but got stuck in a timmy's with broken wifi during the rain. had to walk up to the next timmy's... so, what next? i'm just off highway 401, i'll get the address in a second, let me check google. i guess the important thing i need to know is if i need to check into a hostel tonight or not.
k, so i'm at tecumseh & huron church line (highway 3)
sorry. no line. just tecumseh & huron church.
ESA
were in walkerville
Jessica Amber Murray
so...you wanna meet somewhere? doesn't look like that far a walk, but i need an exact intersection or place because i have to find wifi and plug in to communicate. also...hostel. did you contact mackaye? i'd obviously rather not book a hostel if i don't have to, but if i do have to i want to do it soon.
ESA
Yeh u have a place at mackayes. Well meet u at kildare house. Its a pub in walkerville. 40 minutes? Dont know the address
Its on the corner of wyandotte and kildare
Jessica Amber Murray
k, i can't judge how long it will take, but if i go up highway 3 i can turn right on wyandotte and make it to kildare. leaving now, unless you want to say anything else before i leave.
(pause)
k, i'm gone.
i've been here for a little over an hour, but got stuck in a timmy's with broken wifi during the rain. had to walk up to the next timmy's... so, what next? i'm just off highway 401, i'll get the address in a second, let me check google. i guess the important thing i need to know is if i need to check into a hostel tonight or not.
k, so i'm at tecumseh & huron church line (highway 3)
sorry. no line. just tecumseh & huron church.
ESA
were in walkerville
Jessica Amber Murray
so...you wanna meet somewhere? doesn't look like that far a walk, but i need an exact intersection or place because i have to find wifi and plug in to communicate. also...hostel. did you contact mackaye? i'd obviously rather not book a hostel if i don't have to, but if i do have to i want to do it soon.
ESA
Yeh u have a place at mackayes. Well meet u at kildare house. Its a pub in walkerville. 40 minutes? Dont know the address
Its on the corner of wyandotte and kildare
Jessica Amber Murray
k, i can't judge how long it will take, but if i go up highway 3 i can turn right on wyandotte and make it to kildare. leaving now, unless you want to say anything else before i leave.
(pause)
k, i'm gone.
so, mavis was a horrendous place to hitch from. heavy traffic, and nowhere to stop. plus, the off ramp looked sketchy.
so, i took a west just north of the 401 hoping to get to the next exit, ended up getting lost in a wealthy neighbourhood, and came out on the side of a farm road. hey, a bus stop. more importantly, a map in the shelter.
i forked out the three dollars to get to the next off ramp, which was scalable, and caught a ride with another trucker pretty quickly to a service station outside ingersoll. had to hide in there for a few minutes due to opp hanging around the on ramp. made me wonder if he called me in.
i caught a ride almost instantly out to the outskirts of london, but it's unfortunately begun to rain. forecast claims this will happen lightly all afternoon. going to finish this coffee at this denny's here and likely just deal with it.
as an aside, i'm sort of enjoying this, excluding that creep, which i'm going to blame on being in the jane street area. i think i'm going to take the scenic route home.
so, i took a west just north of the 401 hoping to get to the next exit, ended up getting lost in a wealthy neighbourhood, and came out on the side of a farm road. hey, a bus stop. more importantly, a map in the shelter.
i forked out the three dollars to get to the next off ramp, which was scalable, and caught a ride with another trucker pretty quickly to a service station outside ingersoll. had to hide in there for a few minutes due to opp hanging around the on ramp. made me wonder if he called me in.
i caught a ride almost instantly out to the outskirts of london, but it's unfortunately begun to rain. forecast claims this will happen lightly all afternoon. going to finish this coffee at this denny's here and likely just deal with it.
as an aside, i'm sort of enjoying this, excluding that creep, which i'm going to blame on being in the jane street area. i think i'm going to take the scenic route home.
RE: i'm in mississaugua
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
He is in bed all the time now...He is still lucid and wants to eat mainly sweets....Yhe doctor has asked for a daily nurse from 7-3 who will be starting today. The doctor thinks he needs a catheter now and I know that will be a big fight!
Stay safe!
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
He is in bed all the time now...He is still lucid and wants to eat mainly sweets....Yhe doctor has asked for a daily nurse from 7-3 who will be starting today. The doctor thinks he needs a catheter now and I know that will be a big fight!
Stay safe!
got a few hours sleep. the sun should be up soon. had to take off somewhere else.
i try to be compassionate to schizophrenic people. while it's something that is fairly mild and infrequent, i've been through my share of episodes. but sometimes the things that come out of their mouths are legitimately unsettling in a way i'm not able to deal with.
the surgical mask is a pretty common characteristic. there's germs in the air. in truth, there's enough smog and pollution in the air in most major cities to turn the question around: why aren't we *all* wearing air filters? i can absolutely see the logic in this.
his grandmother wasn't around, though. she's likely long dead (he looked roughly 50). even that's not such an upsetting thing to interact with. so he's talking to his dead grandma. like, i know he's *really* talking to himself, that's just how he does it. to an extent i'm doing exactly the same thing right now, really.
it's when the topic turned morbid that i got unsettled, because i didn't know what he had in his bag. see, supposedly the big tsunami a few years ago was some kind of spiritual event. i wasn't able to follow the narrative entirely (it wasn't fully coherent, and i was trying to get a little rest), but it seems to be that there were angels that came down during the tidal wave and that they spread from vancouver across north america. i'm ultimately going to interpret that racially, and assume he's talking about asian immigration to north america and speciously connecting it to the tsunami. as god is evil (he is constantly lying, and only a fool would trust him), the angels are by extension the enemies of humanity. it's up to the humans to fight the angels. that's not his fault, either - the blood is on god's hands.
now, even that in itself wouldn't be enough to incite me to leave. it would leave me a little perturbed, concerned, but i get that schizophrenic people are schizophrenic and they're working out whatever they're working out. i can't construct the specific narrative because i don't know the guy, but it's likely a perfectly reasonable allegory for whatever life events have left him traumatized - it's his confused way of understanding whatever he can't really understand. there's a way to decode the message, even if i have no idea how. that's fine.
unfortunately, i felt targeted, and started wondering if he may have seen my facebook post. i allow followers, and have dozens of them that i know almost nothing about. hey, i run a more interesting than average profile. i've temporarily switched this post to friends only for that reason. he kept talking about how he finally found "him" (no, we didn't have a talk about gender pronouns), and what happens next is on god's hands. the common themes of god's hands and violence made me very uncomfortable.
he was also talking about how there will never be another one like "him" and it's humanity's only chance and he's sorry grandma but...
he just kept saying "him". no further specification. but it seemed like he was looking for somebody and found that person, and i was the only other person there.
so, yeah, i'll be glad to get out of toronto. the bike he was riding isn't going to get him very far down the road.
maybe i should interpret it as a compliment. if i picked up his message clearly, he was calling me an angel.
...but if he walks in here, i'm going to freak out.
i try to be compassionate to schizophrenic people. while it's something that is fairly mild and infrequent, i've been through my share of episodes. but sometimes the things that come out of their mouths are legitimately unsettling in a way i'm not able to deal with.
the surgical mask is a pretty common characteristic. there's germs in the air. in truth, there's enough smog and pollution in the air in most major cities to turn the question around: why aren't we *all* wearing air filters? i can absolutely see the logic in this.
his grandmother wasn't around, though. she's likely long dead (he looked roughly 50). even that's not such an upsetting thing to interact with. so he's talking to his dead grandma. like, i know he's *really* talking to himself, that's just how he does it. to an extent i'm doing exactly the same thing right now, really.
it's when the topic turned morbid that i got unsettled, because i didn't know what he had in his bag. see, supposedly the big tsunami a few years ago was some kind of spiritual event. i wasn't able to follow the narrative entirely (it wasn't fully coherent, and i was trying to get a little rest), but it seems to be that there were angels that came down during the tidal wave and that they spread from vancouver across north america. i'm ultimately going to interpret that racially, and assume he's talking about asian immigration to north america and speciously connecting it to the tsunami. as god is evil (he is constantly lying, and only a fool would trust him), the angels are by extension the enemies of humanity. it's up to the humans to fight the angels. that's not his fault, either - the blood is on god's hands.
now, even that in itself wouldn't be enough to incite me to leave. it would leave me a little perturbed, concerned, but i get that schizophrenic people are schizophrenic and they're working out whatever they're working out. i can't construct the specific narrative because i don't know the guy, but it's likely a perfectly reasonable allegory for whatever life events have left him traumatized - it's his confused way of understanding whatever he can't really understand. there's a way to decode the message, even if i have no idea how. that's fine.
unfortunately, i felt targeted, and started wondering if he may have seen my facebook post. i allow followers, and have dozens of them that i know almost nothing about. hey, i run a more interesting than average profile. i've temporarily switched this post to friends only for that reason. he kept talking about how he finally found "him" (no, we didn't have a talk about gender pronouns), and what happens next is on god's hands. the common themes of god's hands and violence made me very uncomfortable.
he was also talking about how there will never be another one like "him" and it's humanity's only chance and he's sorry grandma but...
he just kept saying "him". no further specification. but it seemed like he was looking for somebody and found that person, and i was the only other person there.
so, yeah, i'll be glad to get out of toronto. the bike he was riding isn't going to get him very far down the road.
maybe i should interpret it as a compliment. if i picked up his message clearly, he was calling me an angel.
...but if he walks in here, i'm going to freak out.
i'm in mississaugua
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: stepmother's email address
i had a plan to be in kitchener by the end of the night, but it went awry. i was trying to avoid hitching up the 401 in toronto because i know it's awful. but i missed the go train.
where i am is past the worst of it. it should be a quick ride tomorrow.
i don't expect the answer to this question to be good, and i sort of dread asking it, but i need to know: how is he?
j
To: stepmother's email address
i had a plan to be in kitchener by the end of the night, but it went awry. i was trying to avoid hitching up the 401 in toronto because i know it's awful. but i missed the go train.
where i am is past the worst of it. it should be a quick ride tomorrow.
i don't expect the answer to this question to be good, and i sort of dread asking it, but i need to know: how is he?
j
Monday, July 22, 2013
please, people. don't honk at hitchhikers unless you plan to actually stop. it's heartbreaking. especially on the fucking 401 in toronto.
the fucking 401 in toronto.
i had a plan to avoid the fucking 401 in toronto. it involved hitching to oshawa early, hopping two different legs of the go train and eventually ending up in kitchener, where hitching is less strenuous. see, the side of the 401 in toronto is a scary place. of course, i slept in and it all fell apart and i ended up doing what i tried to plan around.
yes, a long day, but an interesting one. currently in a mcdonalds in mississaugua for the night. will get a few hours of sleep on the grass outside and keep going when the sun comes up. select stories follow...
so, i meant to be up and out by 7:00 but wasn't out of the house until a little after 10:00. despite other slight problems, this is the singular problem that fucked everything up.
the plan was to hop the back of the 96 at tunney's and get off in stittsville, but i got confused about the route. i thought the bus was going to circle back to hazeldean in the end. yet, it did no such thing. i should have known better than to try and hitch up fernbank; i think i did, really, i was more thinking i could walk up to highway 7. yet, a few minutes down the road it became clear that i was walking into an area that has more coyotes than people. so, around i turned and up carp road i went back to hazeldean...
i stopped in a coffee shop with wifi to touch in with some people only to find out that my laptop isn't recognizing my hard drive. great. see, it does that sometimes; it just needs a few tries. i need to get the data off this thing and switch laptops. but it didn't want to work quite right then.
whatever, keep going.
some ski bum dude that looked like he was on his way to go stalk jack white gave me a lift up to the highway 7 turnpike, which was a creepy walk down. again: i wanted to be off that road quickly due to coyote issues. luckily, it was only a few minutes before somebody gave me a lift out to carleton place....
it seems like a life time ago now, but some time in the distance past i dated a nice young lady from carleton place for a few years. she warned me time and time again: "never try and hitch out of carleton place!".
well, it took three hours, but it turned out ok in the end. i got a lift from a trucker up highway 7 right into toronto. transporting milk, he was. an older dude - mid 60s. slight lisp, probably from a stroke or two. seemed to sort of dad me. won't get into that right now.
he had a friend a few trucks up; i got to listen to a very long radio conversation between the two of them.
"what other industry has held the same wages since 1986?"
i didn't pull out my wage/inflation chart.
"we should shut them down for a few days. that'd get them to fucking listen."
"naw. the young drivers would never go for it. they're talk, but no action."
"fuck, i remember back when we had the teamsters. when we voted, we acted. and the people that didn't act ended up at the bottom of the river."
"yeah, and what are we now? we're just a fucking piece of shit is what we are."
they went on about this for a while. i said nothing. just listened.
"i've been doing this for 45 years and people ask me when i'm going to retire. i ask them when they're planning the box."
"but, i've had enough of driving trucks. i used to haul gravel. i don't want to do that anymore either. maybe i'll just get a job at home depot or something."
"yeah, maybe i'll apply for something at walmart."
ack.
he let me off at a split from the express into the collector going off to highway 400. it only took a few minutes before i realized that hitching from there was as unlikely as it was unsafe. so, i hopped across the feeder lane with the intent of going into toronto and seeing what might happen...
the hop across the lanes wasn't too bad; there was even a path along the far side of the highway on the other side of a concrete barrier. so, i hopped that. i wasn't sure if i was at ground level or elevated and wanted to get to ground level. after a short walk i came across a road that ran underneath the expressway; unmarked, no exit. yet, that was ground level...
i found out later it was jane street. for those unfamiliar with toronto, that's the street you don't want to be on.
i didn't know that at the time, though. getting down to the road seemed like a challenge, but not an impossible one: a small hill, a mild jump from a concrete slab overlooking the road. yet, on closer inspection, the jump seemed a bit too much. ok, i'll go around. problem: a barbed wire fence.
i took a walk up to the end. surely, they didn't actually fence in a grassed area on the side of the road? yes, they actually did. trapped! found a tree stump, took a pair of extra socks out and put them over my hands to deal with the wire, but i wasn't tall enough to get over the fence with it. kept looking; there must be a hole or a weakness. indeed, there was a space that had been uprooted to crawl under. my bag got trapped momentarily, i felt like i was stuck, but i was able to squirm out and sneak under. freedom...
a mall is ahead of me. ok. where am i? first sign says "beverly hills". thank you universe for your sense of humour. hilarious, really.
kept walking up what i later learned was jane street, in the general direction of finch. found a subway.
"where's the closest go train station"
no answer. try the beer store. didn't know. fuck. hey, there's some punk kids over there...
"do you know where the closest go station is?"
"there isn't a close one."
"is there a university campus somewhere near here i could sleep at?"
"no."
"how long do the connector lanes in the 401 go on for?"
"not sure."
"ok. then, what's the best way to keep going parallel to the 401?"
"i don't know, but if you follow this road here it should get you in the right direction."
ok, then. down wilson with my thumb out...
so, here's my creepy pick up story for this trip. every hitching trip has one.
older dude picks me up.
"where you going?"
"windsor."
"why windsor?"
"i'm meeting some friends there."
"is one of them your boyfriend?"
*pause*
"no, but one of them is my girlfriend."
(apologies to erin, that's not true and wasn't stated with intent, i was just trying to throw him off)
"i think you should be my girlfriend."
"nnnnnno. i don't think so."
"what? don't you like to hear about how sexy your body is?"
“i want you to let me out right now."
"i want to drive you home"
"NO. NOW."
he slowed down a little, tried to turn into a parking lot. i opened the door as he was turning, which made him stop immediately.
"creep."
there's a bus stopped down the street. great. escape. run...
"how far can you get me in the direction of kitchener?"
"i'm with the toronto bus, and i only go down the street, then the brampton bus takes over."
i've heard of this before, this bus service in toronto that isn't remotely connected and requires absurd transfers in weird places. i explained there was a creep weirding me out, so he just let me on for free down the street.
when i got off i was at the intersection of weston and albion. the on ramp there was closed; bad to hitch at. so, i took a look at some maps and realized the best thing to do was walk down weston to dixon, then up dixon to the dixon-401 ramp.
turns out the map's scale was a little smaller than expected. that was an hour walk. it was a nice walk, though, over the humber and through some bourgy neighbourhoods. by the time i got there it was definitely dark...
i decided to wait until 11:00 and if nobody picked me up i'd walk to the airport and crash there. somebody did pick me up, though, a nice south asian dude with a minivan full of carseats. unfortunately, he dropped me off in pretty much the same sort of on-the-401 situation i had tried to escape from previously.
this was a slightly better place to hitch, though. there was an extended median in the road, and the traffic was a little lighter. i was getting impatient, though. hitching on the 401 is a bad idea to begin with. hitching on the 401 in the dark with dark clothes on is just flat out stupid. i was literally turning around to try and get into brampton when i took one last glance and saw somebody was waiting...
older hippie dude this time.
"you need to get off the highway immediately before the cops come pick you up."
"honestly, they may get me close to where i'm..."
"just get in."
he proceeded to completely berate me for hitching in the dark. what the fuck was wrong with me?
"i know, i've done this before and..."
"well, then you should know better."
"i do know better."
"then what the fuck are you doing?"
"well, it's circumstance."
"i'll drop you at mavis, and hitch from the fucking on ramp."
i decided to go get something to eat and found this mcdonalds that i'm at. he's right. i do know better. i'll start again when the sun comes up.
the fucking 401 in toronto.
i had a plan to avoid the fucking 401 in toronto. it involved hitching to oshawa early, hopping two different legs of the go train and eventually ending up in kitchener, where hitching is less strenuous. see, the side of the 401 in toronto is a scary place. of course, i slept in and it all fell apart and i ended up doing what i tried to plan around.
yes, a long day, but an interesting one. currently in a mcdonalds in mississaugua for the night. will get a few hours of sleep on the grass outside and keep going when the sun comes up. select stories follow...
so, i meant to be up and out by 7:00 but wasn't out of the house until a little after 10:00. despite other slight problems, this is the singular problem that fucked everything up.
the plan was to hop the back of the 96 at tunney's and get off in stittsville, but i got confused about the route. i thought the bus was going to circle back to hazeldean in the end. yet, it did no such thing. i should have known better than to try and hitch up fernbank; i think i did, really, i was more thinking i could walk up to highway 7. yet, a few minutes down the road it became clear that i was walking into an area that has more coyotes than people. so, around i turned and up carp road i went back to hazeldean...
i stopped in a coffee shop with wifi to touch in with some people only to find out that my laptop isn't recognizing my hard drive. great. see, it does that sometimes; it just needs a few tries. i need to get the data off this thing and switch laptops. but it didn't want to work quite right then.
whatever, keep going.
some ski bum dude that looked like he was on his way to go stalk jack white gave me a lift up to the highway 7 turnpike, which was a creepy walk down. again: i wanted to be off that road quickly due to coyote issues. luckily, it was only a few minutes before somebody gave me a lift out to carleton place....
it seems like a life time ago now, but some time in the distance past i dated a nice young lady from carleton place for a few years. she warned me time and time again: "never try and hitch out of carleton place!".
well, it took three hours, but it turned out ok in the end. i got a lift from a trucker up highway 7 right into toronto. transporting milk, he was. an older dude - mid 60s. slight lisp, probably from a stroke or two. seemed to sort of dad me. won't get into that right now.
he had a friend a few trucks up; i got to listen to a very long radio conversation between the two of them.
"what other industry has held the same wages since 1986?"
i didn't pull out my wage/inflation chart.
"we should shut them down for a few days. that'd get them to fucking listen."
"naw. the young drivers would never go for it. they're talk, but no action."
"fuck, i remember back when we had the teamsters. when we voted, we acted. and the people that didn't act ended up at the bottom of the river."
"yeah, and what are we now? we're just a fucking piece of shit is what we are."
they went on about this for a while. i said nothing. just listened.
"i've been doing this for 45 years and people ask me when i'm going to retire. i ask them when they're planning the box."
"but, i've had enough of driving trucks. i used to haul gravel. i don't want to do that anymore either. maybe i'll just get a job at home depot or something."
"yeah, maybe i'll apply for something at walmart."
ack.
he let me off at a split from the express into the collector going off to highway 400. it only took a few minutes before i realized that hitching from there was as unlikely as it was unsafe. so, i hopped across the feeder lane with the intent of going into toronto and seeing what might happen...
the hop across the lanes wasn't too bad; there was even a path along the far side of the highway on the other side of a concrete barrier. so, i hopped that. i wasn't sure if i was at ground level or elevated and wanted to get to ground level. after a short walk i came across a road that ran underneath the expressway; unmarked, no exit. yet, that was ground level...
i found out later it was jane street. for those unfamiliar with toronto, that's the street you don't want to be on.
i didn't know that at the time, though. getting down to the road seemed like a challenge, but not an impossible one: a small hill, a mild jump from a concrete slab overlooking the road. yet, on closer inspection, the jump seemed a bit too much. ok, i'll go around. problem: a barbed wire fence.
i took a walk up to the end. surely, they didn't actually fence in a grassed area on the side of the road? yes, they actually did. trapped! found a tree stump, took a pair of extra socks out and put them over my hands to deal with the wire, but i wasn't tall enough to get over the fence with it. kept looking; there must be a hole or a weakness. indeed, there was a space that had been uprooted to crawl under. my bag got trapped momentarily, i felt like i was stuck, but i was able to squirm out and sneak under. freedom...
a mall is ahead of me. ok. where am i? first sign says "beverly hills". thank you universe for your sense of humour. hilarious, really.
kept walking up what i later learned was jane street, in the general direction of finch. found a subway.
"where's the closest go train station"
no answer. try the beer store. didn't know. fuck. hey, there's some punk kids over there...
"do you know where the closest go station is?"
"there isn't a close one."
"is there a university campus somewhere near here i could sleep at?"
"no."
"how long do the connector lanes in the 401 go on for?"
"not sure."
"ok. then, what's the best way to keep going parallel to the 401?"
"i don't know, but if you follow this road here it should get you in the right direction."
ok, then. down wilson with my thumb out...
so, here's my creepy pick up story for this trip. every hitching trip has one.
older dude picks me up.
"where you going?"
"windsor."
"why windsor?"
"i'm meeting some friends there."
"is one of them your boyfriend?"
*pause*
"no, but one of them is my girlfriend."
(apologies to erin, that's not true and wasn't stated with intent, i was just trying to throw him off)
"i think you should be my girlfriend."
"nnnnnno. i don't think so."
"what? don't you like to hear about how sexy your body is?"
“i want you to let me out right now."
"i want to drive you home"
"NO. NOW."
he slowed down a little, tried to turn into a parking lot. i opened the door as he was turning, which made him stop immediately.
"creep."
there's a bus stopped down the street. great. escape. run...
"how far can you get me in the direction of kitchener?"
"i'm with the toronto bus, and i only go down the street, then the brampton bus takes over."
i've heard of this before, this bus service in toronto that isn't remotely connected and requires absurd transfers in weird places. i explained there was a creep weirding me out, so he just let me on for free down the street.
when i got off i was at the intersection of weston and albion. the on ramp there was closed; bad to hitch at. so, i took a look at some maps and realized the best thing to do was walk down weston to dixon, then up dixon to the dixon-401 ramp.
turns out the map's scale was a little smaller than expected. that was an hour walk. it was a nice walk, though, over the humber and through some bourgy neighbourhoods. by the time i got there it was definitely dark...
i decided to wait until 11:00 and if nobody picked me up i'd walk to the airport and crash there. somebody did pick me up, though, a nice south asian dude with a minivan full of carseats. unfortunately, he dropped me off in pretty much the same sort of on-the-401 situation i had tried to escape from previously.
this was a slightly better place to hitch, though. there was an extended median in the road, and the traffic was a little lighter. i was getting impatient, though. hitching on the 401 is a bad idea to begin with. hitching on the 401 in the dark with dark clothes on is just flat out stupid. i was literally turning around to try and get into brampton when i took one last glance and saw somebody was waiting...
older hippie dude this time.
"you need to get off the highway immediately before the cops come pick you up."
"honestly, they may get me close to where i'm..."
"just get in."
he proceeded to completely berate me for hitching in the dark. what the fuck was wrong with me?
"i know, i've done this before and..."
"well, then you should know better."
"i do know better."
"then what the fuck are you doing?"
"well, it's circumstance."
"i'll drop you at mavis, and hitch from the fucking on ramp."
i decided to go get something to eat and found this mcdonalds that i'm at. he's right. i do know better. i'll start again when the sun comes up.
stopping for the night
Jessica Amber Murray
so, i slept in and it fucked everything up. the idea of hopping the go train to kitchener is that i know that hitching in toronto up the 401 is fucking impossible. truth has a habit of proving itself right. i didn't get into toronto until around 7:00, so i missed the train. i had a choice between delaying everything a day and trying my luck; i tried my luck. i made it to the far end of missassauga by 11:00. that's actually pretty good for hitching through toronto. i'm in a macdonald's and will stay here until the sun comes up. that doesn't change the general end goal of windsor tomorrow afternoon. interesting day, though. i'll write a long status update.
ESA
Lollll amazing!!
Jessica Amber Murray
how about you guys? on the bus? things going as planned?
ESA
Yep yep. Were in Toronto. You can catch a bus from missassauga to windsor definitely for cheap.
So tiredddddddddd. Where r u sleeping?
Jessica Amber Murray
probably just crash on the grass outside the macdonalds, or even slouch in the seats a bit. i'm not at all tired just this moment though.
ESA
Haha lol ok.
Jessica Amber Murray
read my status update. it's going to be a short story. well, it *is* a short story...
so, i slept in and it fucked everything up. the idea of hopping the go train to kitchener is that i know that hitching in toronto up the 401 is fucking impossible. truth has a habit of proving itself right. i didn't get into toronto until around 7:00, so i missed the train. i had a choice between delaying everything a day and trying my luck; i tried my luck. i made it to the far end of missassauga by 11:00. that's actually pretty good for hitching through toronto. i'm in a macdonald's and will stay here until the sun comes up. that doesn't change the general end goal of windsor tomorrow afternoon. interesting day, though. i'll write a long status update.
ESA
Lollll amazing!!
Jessica Amber Murray
how about you guys? on the bus? things going as planned?
ESA
Yep yep. Were in Toronto. You can catch a bus from missassauga to windsor definitely for cheap.
So tiredddddddddd. Where r u sleeping?
Jessica Amber Murray
probably just crash on the grass outside the macdonalds, or even slouch in the seats a bit. i'm not at all tired just this moment though.
ESA
Haha lol ok.
Jessica Amber Murray
read my status update. it's going to be a short story. well, it *is* a short story...
Sunday, July 21, 2013
music is the best medicine for depression. it's almost magic, really.
i'm ok. no, really. i am. i've had a long time to think about this. i was just overwhelmed for a moment, there.
it's mostly a coincidence that i'm skipping town almost exactly as my dad has given up. he fought as hard as he could. the truth is he never really had a chance. almost nobody survives brain cancer.
he stopped taking his meds last week, by conscious choice. the treatment was just overwhelming. over the last few hours, the paralysis has spread from his left side (the tumour is on the right side of his brain) to both sides of his body. he's likely to lose control of his face muscles while i'm gone this week, rendering him unable to speak, and possibly slip into a coma or die.
there's nothing of value that can be accomplished by me staying here this week and watching him die. all that can do is fuck me up. i could speak of many things right now regarding the nature of death, but the reality is that i do not believe any of them, nor do i believe they are of any consequence to a dead person. there is nothing at all of any consequence to a dead person, not even the fact that they are dead. i may wish it to come as painlessly as possible, but i know better. it's not even physical, but mental. yet, his mental state over the next few days is a temporary reality that only he has any real understanding of, and will not matter at all to any existing conscious being once he has passed.
such a state is devastating to contemplate. it's such an awful, gruesome way to die. seizures, treatment, surgery; slow paralysis, loss of speech, coma. i can only imagine the kind of fear that sets in as you slowly lose control of your ability to control your own muscles, as death slowly consumes your body. it must be like being eaten alive.
in truth, i don't want to imagine this kind of fear, especially in the mind of such a loved one. i want to move forwards.
we say goodbye to each other all of the time. it's reflexive. routine. meaningless, really.
sometimes the word actually means something. i couldn't handle saying it. i waited. that pause felt much longer than it was.
he said it first; a reflexive response. but it set me right off...
i'm ok. no, really, i am. the crying helped. but i think the music helped more.
i'm ok. no, really. i am. i've had a long time to think about this. i was just overwhelmed for a moment, there.
it's mostly a coincidence that i'm skipping town almost exactly as my dad has given up. he fought as hard as he could. the truth is he never really had a chance. almost nobody survives brain cancer.
he stopped taking his meds last week, by conscious choice. the treatment was just overwhelming. over the last few hours, the paralysis has spread from his left side (the tumour is on the right side of his brain) to both sides of his body. he's likely to lose control of his face muscles while i'm gone this week, rendering him unable to speak, and possibly slip into a coma or die.
there's nothing of value that can be accomplished by me staying here this week and watching him die. all that can do is fuck me up. i could speak of many things right now regarding the nature of death, but the reality is that i do not believe any of them, nor do i believe they are of any consequence to a dead person. there is nothing at all of any consequence to a dead person, not even the fact that they are dead. i may wish it to come as painlessly as possible, but i know better. it's not even physical, but mental. yet, his mental state over the next few days is a temporary reality that only he has any real understanding of, and will not matter at all to any existing conscious being once he has passed.
such a state is devastating to contemplate. it's such an awful, gruesome way to die. seizures, treatment, surgery; slow paralysis, loss of speech, coma. i can only imagine the kind of fear that sets in as you slowly lose control of your ability to control your own muscles, as death slowly consumes your body. it must be like being eaten alive.
in truth, i don't want to imagine this kind of fear, especially in the mind of such a loved one. i want to move forwards.
we say goodbye to each other all of the time. it's reflexive. routine. meaningless, really.
sometimes the word actually means something. i couldn't handle saying it. i waited. that pause felt much longer than it was.
he said it first; a reflexive response. but it set me right off...
i'm ok. no, really, i am. the crying helped. but i think the music helped more.
not right this minute, please
ESA
ok I'm getting kinda stressed now.
Jessica Amber Murray
stressed about what, exactly? wait, don't answer. i'm really fucked up right now. want to think, not talk. talking's a bad idea.
ESA
what happun ?
mackaye still hasn't gotten back to me.
Jessica Amber Murray
i just had a very dramatic phone conversation with my dad. his left side has been paralyzed for a while. he just lost his right side. and he's afraid he's gone to lose his voice soon. it was the permanence of the word "bye" that set me off. the moment of silence that came before it, because i didn't want to say it. i'll be ok. this has been going on for two years. it's been a process. i'm at peace. i just need to cry a bit. and think a bit. not much use for planning for the night. sorry.
ESA
i'm so sorry Jess. :(
Let me know if you need to talk ever.
ok I'm getting kinda stressed now.
Jessica Amber Murray
stressed about what, exactly? wait, don't answer. i'm really fucked up right now. want to think, not talk. talking's a bad idea.
ESA
what happun ?
mackaye still hasn't gotten back to me.
Jessica Amber Murray
i just had a very dramatic phone conversation with my dad. his left side has been paralyzed for a while. he just lost his right side. and he's afraid he's gone to lose his voice soon. it was the permanence of the word "bye" that set me off. the moment of silence that came before it, because i didn't want to say it. i'll be ok. this has been going on for two years. it's been a process. i'm at peace. i just need to cry a bit. and think a bit. not much use for planning for the night. sorry.
ESA
i'm so sorry Jess. :(
Let me know if you need to talk ever.
the plan
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm going to modify my plan slightly.
i'll hitch from here to oshawa, through peterborough. then i'll take the go train (i'll hop it) from oshawa to toronto, then again from toronto to waterloo.
that will either get me to waterloo at 6:45 or 7:45 tomorrow night. i'll stay there for the night, check the town out.
waterloo's somewhere i've been thinking about checking out for years and years.
i can then hitch from there up to windsor.
(on tuesday morning)
meaning i'll be there tuesday afternoon.
i should have wifi access in waterloo, and maybe on the go train.
you'll go through waterloo on your way to windsor, so if shit hits the fan we can meet there.
that also means i need to be up early, so no open mic tonight for me.
ESA
lol ok cool. :D
ok, i'm going to modify my plan slightly.
i'll hitch from here to oshawa, through peterborough. then i'll take the go train (i'll hop it) from oshawa to toronto, then again from toronto to waterloo.
that will either get me to waterloo at 6:45 or 7:45 tomorrow night. i'll stay there for the night, check the town out.
waterloo's somewhere i've been thinking about checking out for years and years.
i can then hitch from there up to windsor.
(on tuesday morning)
meaning i'll be there tuesday afternoon.
i should have wifi access in waterloo, and maybe on the go train.
you'll go through waterloo on your way to windsor, so if shit hits the fan we can meet there.
that also means i need to be up early, so no open mic tonight for me.
ESA
lol ok cool. :D
contacting some wobblies in windsor
ESA
i haven't heard back from mackaye
maybe we should look into other arrrangements
like hostel or something
he'll probably get back to me. I'm just confused as to why its taking so long.
Anyways, gotta run!!!
Jessica Amber Murray
i think hostels are ok for walk-in, and i can claim the cash, but a hostel room is kind of bad for three people. i have $479 to play with. we're only going to be there a few days. i could conceivably get a cheap motel and then claim it. also, i'm ok, personally, with park sleeping. i've done it before.
....but calling ahead is likely unnecessary or even impossible.
ESA
It's not preferable to sleep in a park, because Windsor is all stabby
but i'l do it.
lol
Jessica Amber Murray
hrmmn. well, like i say, the motel option is available. i'd have to split and then pay back the claim, though.
ESA
k np np
well.
hmm. i'll figure something out.
i haven't heard back from mackaye
maybe we should look into other arrrangements
like hostel or something
he'll probably get back to me. I'm just confused as to why its taking so long.
Anyways, gotta run!!!
Jessica Amber Murray
i think hostels are ok for walk-in, and i can claim the cash, but a hostel room is kind of bad for three people. i have $479 to play with. we're only going to be there a few days. i could conceivably get a cheap motel and then claim it. also, i'm ok, personally, with park sleeping. i've done it before.
....but calling ahead is likely unnecessary or even impossible.
ESA
It's not preferable to sleep in a park, because Windsor is all stabby
but i'l do it.
lol
Jessica Amber Murray
hrmmn. well, like i say, the motel option is available. i'd have to split and then pay back the claim, though.
ESA
k np np
well.
hmm. i'll figure something out.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
late night drinking to further plan the escape from ottawa
ESA
ok i'm sorry
it took longr
couldn't find my bike key
and then i sold 2 CDs
i'm sorry!!!
Jessica Amber Murray
like i was waiting here with a stopwatch, right. do you want to chill still or is too late?
ESA
deepends.
ok.
YES
uhm
well for a bit.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, so i shouldn't bring 6 rockstars then. that might tempt you. is it just the church tomorrow?
ESA
I wont drink that much
plus the church is a BREEZE
I can poop out church music
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i won't drink that much either. ok. i'll be there in a few minutes.
ESA
sweet candy of the gods
this is what i'm playing tomorrow
this is how i know i can be up tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWQEUzOACm4
ok i'm sorry
it took longr
couldn't find my bike key
and then i sold 2 CDs
i'm sorry!!!
Jessica Amber Murray
like i was waiting here with a stopwatch, right. do you want to chill still or is too late?
ESA
deepends.
ok.
YES
uhm
well for a bit.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, so i shouldn't bring 6 rockstars then. that might tempt you. is it just the church tomorrow?
ESA
I wont drink that much
plus the church is a BREEZE
I can poop out church music
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i won't drink that much either. ok. i'll be there in a few minutes.
ESA
sweet candy of the gods
this is what i'm playing tomorrow
this is how i know i can be up tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWQEUzOACm4
a reconsideration
Jessica Amber Murray
sorry. long. ok, i went for a smoke and ordered things and this extra bit of information makes me less upset. although more confused. a few days ago you were all like "fuck illuminous, we're hitching.". so i planned around that. now apparently your mom planned your trip for you, and it means busing with illuminous. these are details that are not even my business, really. i'll state the obvious: it's your choice. if you want to bus with illuminous, bus with illuminous. if you want to hitch with me, hitch with me. i guess i'll clarify that by acknowledging that illuminous is interested in you in a way that i'm not. and i guess a lot of your decision is going to rest on how you feel about that. ...but now that i know you're going with illuminous, i feel less tossed aside. hitching in threes isn't possible. i kind of assumed you told him you were going without him, because that's the impression i got from previous conversations. maybe i should apologize for jumping to that conclusion. regardless, i don't think i want to live with illuminous at all. "as long as you're quiet so i can get up to go to work" is like NO. he's always talking about how he can't find good roommates. i don't want to deal with that. so, it's sort of like if you're going with illuminous then i'm getting my own place. and i'm going for my own reasons. yes, you sparked something in my mind, but it's all on my own goals and interests here: a cheap place to record, an opportunity to organize the unemployed, a way to exist around the labour-capital relationship. things are better with a friend or two than alone, but it's sort of secondary.
ESA
Yes. I agree with all these things. I wasn't really sure what to do before. I hadn't told illuminous that I was bussing until last night. and he asked me if he could come. I was kind of sick of waiting around to figure things out. And I guess I didn't want illuminous to feel excluded. I thought you didn't mind/ wanted to go on your own. I sort of felt like an un-experienced hitch - hiker tag along. And I also don't want to live with illuminous for that reason, along with others. And he didn't have priority over you, because he is apparently interested in me.
And he had to ASK me if he could come with me to Windsor, and I was like "WTF illuminous DO WHAT U WANT. AHH"
because I'm independent too. I dunno, I'm generally horrible at knowing what to do. I always seem to do the wrong thing, or don't think things through entirely. :(
Jessica Amber Murray
*shrug*. at this point, i don't feel thrown under the bus anymore, so don't let my feelings sway how you decide to get there. i'm sorry for overreacting.
ESA
DITTO.
So many things to figure out!
Jessica Amber Murray
well, it seems like you had a reasonable plan before i shat all over it.
ESA
uhm wut? you didn't shit all over it. the plan was to go on Monday to scout out apartments. The how, or when or whateva was not quite determined. I need to get my mom to stop meddling. She keeps over-compensating for her lack of involvement in earlier years, but now its a bit controlling. Like I'm too much of an idiot to make my own plans.
I was like "mom didn't I ever tell you about how I can't die? No matter what you do or don't do, I'll be fine. Don't worryaboutit"
Also I appreciate how you take initiative with shit.
Jessica Amber Murray
are you trying to tell me you're a vampire?
ESA
That sounds kind of
No, I'm not a vampire.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, cause vampires are already dead.
ESA
I'm just immortal.
Plain old immortal
Jessica Amber Murray
i used to think that, too.
i feel i'm meddling, too. just let me know what you're doing. i'll wait until monday.
ESA
and then what happened?!?!?!?!?!
You're the vampire!
YOU DIED?
??!?!?!!?
Jessica Amber Murray
i had a few experiences that allowed me to recognize my mortality.
ESA
What? Like death?
Jessica Amber Murray
near death. which could be interpreted either way. like, didn't die, right. this gets trippy, and is better discussed in person, over drinks.
ESA
oh jeez.
oh btw
Jessica Amber Murray
i've been through intense schizophrenic episodes where i've been convinced i was the next coming of jesus, where it seems real beyond more than a thought. i've had a jesus complex since i was a kid. my first handful of demoes were released under the name 'inri'. so, yeah. just thought you should know that. might come back, especially if i'm organizing the poor in windsor.
btw what?
ESA
You need to tell me more.
Because I think I had the same thing. Was convinced I was possessed by the devil
Jessica Amber Murray
more about?
ESA
but later.
anyways Mr. Playah is totes all over my fine pussay
He waited the appropriate 3 days. and then sent me a FB message almost on cue.
I STILL GOTZ IT.
Ok this conversation is disgusting. I apologize. This is the third apology.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'm just schizophrenic.
ESA
You could be bi-polar. that is extremely common with bi-polar patients
the jesus complex stuff and the possessed by the devil stuff.
Jessica Amber Murray
naw, don't feel bad, i feel perfectly comfortable talking about this if you do.
whichever it is, it's not dangerous, but it can definitely be offsetting for people. i guess if you have something similar, it won't be so strange for you.
ESA
As long as you can handle night terrors. if you ever see me sleep
which you probably will next week.
Jessica Amber Murray
we'll find out.
ESA
Thursday I woke up
barfed a bit. Hung out on my bed. and my living room was littered with 9 condoms.
bahhhhh ok sorry again. LOL it was too funny.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i think i'm glad i got out before that happened. i don't remember the night clearly, but i do remember that when i came to (i was half passed out on your couch) playa was a little sorry to see me leave. and i would not have responded well to an orgy erupting... btw, if we do end up living together, orgies are not something that are going to bug me so long as i can quietly disappear and not be harangued about it.
ESA
playa was sorry to see you leave ?
Because he didn't want to be alone with lenin and I
He was so incredibly weird to lenin
He thought lenin had some sort of weird ownership over me.
and then we mused about a threesome, but that as usual failed.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i distinctly remember an "aww...don't leave". i don't know how long we were talking for out there when you were in the other room with lenin.
ESA
LOL
That was pretty awful. But I always need lenin times.
we talked about a threesome for a long while.
Had them almost convinced.
playa was more down than lenin. But only because lenin was tired
lenin is always tired at 4 in the morning. Asshole.
Jessica Amber Murray
do you think you could have got 'em on to each other?
ESA
YES
actually no.
I think lenin is like 99.9999 % straight
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, lenin strikes me as remarkably straight, too. you're not going to sleep are, you. i'm going to hop in the shower...
ESA
Nope I am like super giggly and wide awake.
Jessica Amber Murray
you know, i was thinking of maybe going to the lookout tonight and was going to ask to borrow some shoes. all my nice shoes are in storage. i wasn't planning on being here for two years.
ESA
what size are your feet
Jessica Amber Murray
absurdly small. i'm not sure exactly.
ESA
oh shit. my feet are definitely absurdly large
Jessica Amber Murray
damn. it's weird, though. i'm so like anti-sex and everything. but i've been wearing these little shorts all week and have been noticing guy after guy get worked up over it. i guess i've never really experience that before. this is sort of my first summer more or less post-transition (it'll be three years in september), and the first time i've really been comfortable showing a little skin. and noticing that all these guys are getting worked up is sort of working me up
ESA
LOL AMAZING
Jessica Amber Murray
i can't go in sneakers, though.
ok shower.
ESA
are we hanging out?
or are you going to the lookout ?
Jessica Amber Murray
that was a very long shower, just got out. didn't even shave. not going to the lookout, interested in hanging out.
ESA
theres some sort of gathering happening at the Art & Soul Gallery
and they always give me free beer
plus i need to pick up CDs
Jessica Amber Murray
where's the gallery?
ESA
Parkale and Wellington
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. well, i have some rockstars. i have some readying to do still, could be done in about 20 minutes...
ESA
shit ok
hmmm
they said they're leaving at 11.
I'd better go now.
I only want to hang out until midnight at the latest.
because i have another big performance day.
Jessica Amber Murray
k, you just go then, i'll see you later.
ESA
k i'll be like 10 minutes.
i don't want to hang out with racist hipies.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. txt me when you get back.
geez, i wonder if it's sarah's birthday party :o
sorry. long. ok, i went for a smoke and ordered things and this extra bit of information makes me less upset. although more confused. a few days ago you were all like "fuck illuminous, we're hitching.". so i planned around that. now apparently your mom planned your trip for you, and it means busing with illuminous. these are details that are not even my business, really. i'll state the obvious: it's your choice. if you want to bus with illuminous, bus with illuminous. if you want to hitch with me, hitch with me. i guess i'll clarify that by acknowledging that illuminous is interested in you in a way that i'm not. and i guess a lot of your decision is going to rest on how you feel about that. ...but now that i know you're going with illuminous, i feel less tossed aside. hitching in threes isn't possible. i kind of assumed you told him you were going without him, because that's the impression i got from previous conversations. maybe i should apologize for jumping to that conclusion. regardless, i don't think i want to live with illuminous at all. "as long as you're quiet so i can get up to go to work" is like NO. he's always talking about how he can't find good roommates. i don't want to deal with that. so, it's sort of like if you're going with illuminous then i'm getting my own place. and i'm going for my own reasons. yes, you sparked something in my mind, but it's all on my own goals and interests here: a cheap place to record, an opportunity to organize the unemployed, a way to exist around the labour-capital relationship. things are better with a friend or two than alone, but it's sort of secondary.
ESA
Yes. I agree with all these things. I wasn't really sure what to do before. I hadn't told illuminous that I was bussing until last night. and he asked me if he could come. I was kind of sick of waiting around to figure things out. And I guess I didn't want illuminous to feel excluded. I thought you didn't mind/ wanted to go on your own. I sort of felt like an un-experienced hitch - hiker tag along. And I also don't want to live with illuminous for that reason, along with others. And he didn't have priority over you, because he is apparently interested in me.
And he had to ASK me if he could come with me to Windsor, and I was like "WTF illuminous DO WHAT U WANT. AHH"
because I'm independent too. I dunno, I'm generally horrible at knowing what to do. I always seem to do the wrong thing, or don't think things through entirely. :(
Jessica Amber Murray
*shrug*. at this point, i don't feel thrown under the bus anymore, so don't let my feelings sway how you decide to get there. i'm sorry for overreacting.
ESA
DITTO.
So many things to figure out!
Jessica Amber Murray
well, it seems like you had a reasonable plan before i shat all over it.
ESA
uhm wut? you didn't shit all over it. the plan was to go on Monday to scout out apartments. The how, or when or whateva was not quite determined. I need to get my mom to stop meddling. She keeps over-compensating for her lack of involvement in earlier years, but now its a bit controlling. Like I'm too much of an idiot to make my own plans.
I was like "mom didn't I ever tell you about how I can't die? No matter what you do or don't do, I'll be fine. Don't worryaboutit"
Also I appreciate how you take initiative with shit.
Jessica Amber Murray
are you trying to tell me you're a vampire?
ESA
That sounds kind of
No, I'm not a vampire.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, cause vampires are already dead.
ESA
I'm just immortal.
Plain old immortal
Jessica Amber Murray
i used to think that, too.
i feel i'm meddling, too. just let me know what you're doing. i'll wait until monday.
ESA
and then what happened?!?!?!?!?!
You're the vampire!
YOU DIED?
??!?!?!!?
Jessica Amber Murray
i had a few experiences that allowed me to recognize my mortality.
ESA
What? Like death?
Jessica Amber Murray
near death. which could be interpreted either way. like, didn't die, right. this gets trippy, and is better discussed in person, over drinks.
ESA
oh jeez.
oh btw
Jessica Amber Murray
i've been through intense schizophrenic episodes where i've been convinced i was the next coming of jesus, where it seems real beyond more than a thought. i've had a jesus complex since i was a kid. my first handful of demoes were released under the name 'inri'. so, yeah. just thought you should know that. might come back, especially if i'm organizing the poor in windsor.
btw what?
ESA
You need to tell me more.
Because I think I had the same thing. Was convinced I was possessed by the devil
Jessica Amber Murray
more about?
ESA
but later.
anyways Mr. Playah is totes all over my fine pussay
He waited the appropriate 3 days. and then sent me a FB message almost on cue.
I STILL GOTZ IT.
Ok this conversation is disgusting. I apologize. This is the third apology.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'm just schizophrenic.
ESA
You could be bi-polar. that is extremely common with bi-polar patients
the jesus complex stuff and the possessed by the devil stuff.
Jessica Amber Murray
naw, don't feel bad, i feel perfectly comfortable talking about this if you do.
whichever it is, it's not dangerous, but it can definitely be offsetting for people. i guess if you have something similar, it won't be so strange for you.
ESA
As long as you can handle night terrors. if you ever see me sleep
which you probably will next week.
Jessica Amber Murray
we'll find out.
ESA
Thursday I woke up
barfed a bit. Hung out on my bed. and my living room was littered with 9 condoms.
bahhhhh ok sorry again. LOL it was too funny.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i think i'm glad i got out before that happened. i don't remember the night clearly, but i do remember that when i came to (i was half passed out on your couch) playa was a little sorry to see me leave. and i would not have responded well to an orgy erupting... btw, if we do end up living together, orgies are not something that are going to bug me so long as i can quietly disappear and not be harangued about it.
ESA
playa was sorry to see you leave ?
Because he didn't want to be alone with lenin and I
He was so incredibly weird to lenin
He thought lenin had some sort of weird ownership over me.
and then we mused about a threesome, but that as usual failed.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i distinctly remember an "aww...don't leave". i don't know how long we were talking for out there when you were in the other room with lenin.
ESA
LOL
That was pretty awful. But I always need lenin times.
we talked about a threesome for a long while.
Had them almost convinced.
playa was more down than lenin. But only because lenin was tired
lenin is always tired at 4 in the morning. Asshole.
Jessica Amber Murray
do you think you could have got 'em on to each other?
ESA
YES
actually no.
I think lenin is like 99.9999 % straight
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, lenin strikes me as remarkably straight, too. you're not going to sleep are, you. i'm going to hop in the shower...
ESA
Nope I am like super giggly and wide awake.
Jessica Amber Murray
you know, i was thinking of maybe going to the lookout tonight and was going to ask to borrow some shoes. all my nice shoes are in storage. i wasn't planning on being here for two years.
ESA
what size are your feet
Jessica Amber Murray
absurdly small. i'm not sure exactly.
ESA
oh shit. my feet are definitely absurdly large
Jessica Amber Murray
damn. it's weird, though. i'm so like anti-sex and everything. but i've been wearing these little shorts all week and have been noticing guy after guy get worked up over it. i guess i've never really experience that before. this is sort of my first summer more or less post-transition (it'll be three years in september), and the first time i've really been comfortable showing a little skin. and noticing that all these guys are getting worked up is sort of working me up
ESA
LOL AMAZING
Jessica Amber Murray
i can't go in sneakers, though.
ok shower.
ESA
are we hanging out?
or are you going to the lookout ?
Jessica Amber Murray
that was a very long shower, just got out. didn't even shave. not going to the lookout, interested in hanging out.
ESA
theres some sort of gathering happening at the Art & Soul Gallery
and they always give me free beer
plus i need to pick up CDs
Jessica Amber Murray
where's the gallery?
ESA
Parkale and Wellington
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. well, i have some rockstars. i have some readying to do still, could be done in about 20 minutes...
ESA
shit ok
hmmm
they said they're leaving at 11.
I'd better go now.
I only want to hang out until midnight at the latest.
because i have another big performance day.
Jessica Amber Murray
k, you just go then, i'll see you later.
ESA
k i'll be like 10 minutes.
i don't want to hang out with racist hipies.
Jessica Amber Murray
ok. txt me when you get back.
geez, i wonder if it's sarah's birthday party :o
thrown under the bus
ESA
hey
going to Windsor on the bus at 7pm
mondayu
arriving in Windsor at 5:30 am on Tuesday
Jessica Amber Murray
alright. remind not to plan anything with you again. i'll probably hitch tomorrow, not sure i want to meet up.
ESA
TOMORROW?
we said Monday anyways
You didn't seem like you wanted me to tie you down anyways.
are you fucking kidding?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i don't want to take the bus. you could have told me this last week. i would have left already. whatever.
ESA
wtf.
thanks for letting me know that. Didn't know you were waiting around for me. Jesus.
You didn't tell me your plan. Guess I'm not the one who is bad at planning.
I didn't know that you wanted to/ were comfortable going there yourself. Or maybe I thought it was a friend thing. I dunno. I'm hearing like a bajillion different things from different people and I can't keep track.
Whatever. I don't need to justify myself. If you don't want to meet up, and you're mad at me, then you can just add yourself to the list. I don't fucking care.
Jessica Amber Murray
it was absolutely a friend thing, but i told you i can't afford / don't want to pay for the bus. you buying a ticket means i'm hitching, because i can't/won't pay for it. i'm mildly irked for being planned around, but i'm more irked about you making plans with me and then at the last minute ditching me. and as mentioned i could be there right now and have already rented something by now.
ESA
ugh sorry. I'm all confused. Im super stressed about my landlord.
and also fucking shows all over the place
come over for wine later if you want. and don't be mad at me. i'm sorry
Also my mother basically made the plan for me. And she is confusing.
whatevah doesn't matter. that just sounds super sad and pathetic.
I played last night at the mercury lounge. and this morning from 9 to 12. I got like one hour of sleep and got home and read your message. So also sorry for being defensive.
Jessica Amber Murray
you're going to do what you want, and you have no responsibility to listen to me at all. i hope you enjoy your bus ride. but i do feel mildly betrayed, and i don't forget things. i'll have my laptop there. we can maybe meet up. but i think i'm exclusively interested in finding my own space right now. past actions imply future ones and whatnot.
ESA
Wow. You're the least forgiving person ever. and you don't care about my stress level/ or all the other stuff I've been trying to figure out. I am way busier than you, and very scatter brained. Good. Past actions imply future ones. I apologized. The decent thing is to try to work past it, and not write people off.
HA. That means our friendship is over.
Good on ya! I'm going to sleep.
I'm not saying our friendship is over, but if you think you can never forgive me, then it is.
I'm going to sleep. If you want to talk about it later, I'm available. If not, I don't know what to do.
Jessica Amber Murray
get some rest, erin. i'm just not excited about living arrangements with somebody that is willing to, and apologies for an untimely metaphor, but throw me under the bus on a whim. that doesn't mean we can't have a few drinks together if we're both in the same area.
i have rockstars for later, but i'm sleepy too and need a short nap. and very unshowered. text me when you get up?
ESA
you don't know me at all apparently.
You could work on being more clear.
You're assuming that I meant to ditch you. Like I had malicious intent.
I don't really want to live with insensitive people.
Trying to leave that shit in Ottawa.
Or at least people who use extremely intense metaphors describing a mistake I made.
When you clearly stated that you would even prefer to hitchhike alone, because you'd get there faster.
I told my mom I was hitch hiking, and she offered to lend me 84 dollars for a bus ticket.
goodnight
I can't express myself. This is all too upsetting.
Especially that you're even coming to Windsor in the first place. That's the most perturbing of all.
Jessica Amber Murray
i've only known you for a few months, it would be remarkable if i *did* know you at all. but, i don't really want to argue about this. you've decided to take the bus. that's your choice. that's fine.
ESA
ha.
I guess we have reached some sort of an impasse.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you could still hitch with me instead of take the bus by yourself, but i don't want to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do, either.
ESA
illuminous is coming with me.
But you didn't even think about him. That was all on me to figure out.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, he's following you down there because he's in love with you, so it's your responsibility to figure that out.
that's fine, things will likely work out better that way.
ESA
Whatever I hope that's not true.
Jessica Amber Murray
you're right, he's going for the job opportunities. i don't even know if i'm going to like windsor. i may end up in waterloo or st. catharines.
ESA
did you get my last message?
You would have liked it a lot. I realized it didn't send.
I was like "Ok, you're maybe a bit right."
and also "lollll about the job opportunities"
And I will have a chit chat with Sir A.
Jessica Amber Murray
*runs around in circles bashing head on multiple walls*
ESA
LOL.
Oh god I'm laughing too hard now. ugh lack of sleep. I'm fucking high
Jessica Amber Murray
go to sleep!
ESA
I have to wait until my eyes are closing or else i'll get all spinny and paranoid
hey
going to Windsor on the bus at 7pm
mondayu
arriving in Windsor at 5:30 am on Tuesday
Jessica Amber Murray
alright. remind not to plan anything with you again. i'll probably hitch tomorrow, not sure i want to meet up.
ESA
TOMORROW?
we said Monday anyways
You didn't seem like you wanted me to tie you down anyways.
are you fucking kidding?
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i don't want to take the bus. you could have told me this last week. i would have left already. whatever.
ESA
wtf.
thanks for letting me know that. Didn't know you were waiting around for me. Jesus.
You didn't tell me your plan. Guess I'm not the one who is bad at planning.
I didn't know that you wanted to/ were comfortable going there yourself. Or maybe I thought it was a friend thing. I dunno. I'm hearing like a bajillion different things from different people and I can't keep track.
Whatever. I don't need to justify myself. If you don't want to meet up, and you're mad at me, then you can just add yourself to the list. I don't fucking care.
Jessica Amber Murray
it was absolutely a friend thing, but i told you i can't afford / don't want to pay for the bus. you buying a ticket means i'm hitching, because i can't/won't pay for it. i'm mildly irked for being planned around, but i'm more irked about you making plans with me and then at the last minute ditching me. and as mentioned i could be there right now and have already rented something by now.
ESA
ugh sorry. I'm all confused. Im super stressed about my landlord.
and also fucking shows all over the place
come over for wine later if you want. and don't be mad at me. i'm sorry
Also my mother basically made the plan for me. And she is confusing.
whatevah doesn't matter. that just sounds super sad and pathetic.
I played last night at the mercury lounge. and this morning from 9 to 12. I got like one hour of sleep and got home and read your message. So also sorry for being defensive.
Jessica Amber Murray
you're going to do what you want, and you have no responsibility to listen to me at all. i hope you enjoy your bus ride. but i do feel mildly betrayed, and i don't forget things. i'll have my laptop there. we can maybe meet up. but i think i'm exclusively interested in finding my own space right now. past actions imply future ones and whatnot.
ESA
Wow. You're the least forgiving person ever. and you don't care about my stress level/ or all the other stuff I've been trying to figure out. I am way busier than you, and very scatter brained. Good. Past actions imply future ones. I apologized. The decent thing is to try to work past it, and not write people off.
HA. That means our friendship is over.
Good on ya! I'm going to sleep.
I'm not saying our friendship is over, but if you think you can never forgive me, then it is.
I'm going to sleep. If you want to talk about it later, I'm available. If not, I don't know what to do.
Jessica Amber Murray
get some rest, erin. i'm just not excited about living arrangements with somebody that is willing to, and apologies for an untimely metaphor, but throw me under the bus on a whim. that doesn't mean we can't have a few drinks together if we're both in the same area.
i have rockstars for later, but i'm sleepy too and need a short nap. and very unshowered. text me when you get up?
ESA
you don't know me at all apparently.
You could work on being more clear.
You're assuming that I meant to ditch you. Like I had malicious intent.
I don't really want to live with insensitive people.
Trying to leave that shit in Ottawa.
Or at least people who use extremely intense metaphors describing a mistake I made.
When you clearly stated that you would even prefer to hitchhike alone, because you'd get there faster.
I told my mom I was hitch hiking, and she offered to lend me 84 dollars for a bus ticket.
goodnight
I can't express myself. This is all too upsetting.
Especially that you're even coming to Windsor in the first place. That's the most perturbing of all.
Jessica Amber Murray
i've only known you for a few months, it would be remarkable if i *did* know you at all. but, i don't really want to argue about this. you've decided to take the bus. that's your choice. that's fine.
ESA
ha.
I guess we have reached some sort of an impasse.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, you could still hitch with me instead of take the bus by yourself, but i don't want to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do, either.
ESA
illuminous is coming with me.
But you didn't even think about him. That was all on me to figure out.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, he's following you down there because he's in love with you, so it's your responsibility to figure that out.
that's fine, things will likely work out better that way.
ESA
Whatever I hope that's not true.
Jessica Amber Murray
you're right, he's going for the job opportunities. i don't even know if i'm going to like windsor. i may end up in waterloo or st. catharines.
ESA
did you get my last message?
You would have liked it a lot. I realized it didn't send.
I was like "Ok, you're maybe a bit right."
and also "lollll about the job opportunities"
And I will have a chit chat with Sir A.
Jessica Amber Murray
*runs around in circles bashing head on multiple walls*
ESA
LOL.
Oh god I'm laughing too hard now. ugh lack of sleep. I'm fucking high
Jessica Amber Murray
go to sleep!
ESA
I have to wait until my eyes are closing or else i'll get all spinny and paranoid
Friday, July 19, 2013
account info
from: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: stepmother's email address
account #: *********************
branch no: *****
institution no: *** (scotiabank)
swift code: *******
they said there would be a charge if you tried to use a different bank, but not if you did it by walking into scotiabank.
j
To: stepmother's email address
account #: *********************
branch no: *****
institution no: *** (scotiabank)
swift code: *******
they said there would be a charge if you tried to use a different bank, but not if you did it by walking into scotiabank.
j
how i learned to live with the tornado
ESA
should I be concerned about this tornade watch thing ?
Jessica Amber Murray
yes.
ESA
what do I do ? ? ?
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm not sure exactly, but it should involve working yourself into a paranoid rage somehow about something you have absolutely no control over.
ESA
...
thanks.
PARANOID RAGE CANNONS.
should I be concerned about this tornade watch thing ?
Jessica Amber Murray
yes.
ESA
what do I do ? ? ?
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm not sure exactly, but it should involve working yourself into a paranoid rage somehow about something you have absolutely no control over.
ESA
...
thanks.
PARANOID RAGE CANNONS.
absolutely leaving on monday, definitely. maybe.
ESA
so we're still leaving Monday/
i literally don't have any moneyz
now I don't have a choice but to hitch
whats the best time to go ?
Jessica Amber Murray
whenever, really. makes no difference to me. well, it's probably more tactical to leave early if we want to get there in one day.
ESA
k lets leave at 7am
Jessica Amber Murray
woah. k.
ESA
yesterday i went to bed at 6pm and slept until now
so i feel q
so guilty.
Jessica Amber Murray
i assume you meant am. feel q? i actually need to get some shit in order today. if we walk up to tunney's we can get on the back of the 97 and hitch from outside stittsville. take the 7 as far as we can, then get down to the 401.
ESA
lol no. i meant 6pm.
Jessica Amber Murray
i was talking to you at like 8:00 and you said you were going to asylum. whatever, not important. have you resubleted? is illuminous hitching as well?
ESA
I'm not gonna keep waiting around for him to decide what he wants to do on Monday. Ok I can feel myself getting pissy. Time to eat.
He doesn't seem to be very proactive. and that pisses me off a little bit.
I don't know what illuminouss is doing.
according to FB
i also got up at like 9:50
and then i got up.
oh i was taking a nap
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, well..we'll talk before monday morning.
ESA
k
so we're still leaving Monday/
i literally don't have any moneyz
now I don't have a choice but to hitch
whats the best time to go ?
Jessica Amber Murray
whenever, really. makes no difference to me. well, it's probably more tactical to leave early if we want to get there in one day.
ESA
k lets leave at 7am
Jessica Amber Murray
woah. k.
ESA
yesterday i went to bed at 6pm and slept until now
so i feel q
so guilty.
Jessica Amber Murray
i assume you meant am. feel q? i actually need to get some shit in order today. if we walk up to tunney's we can get on the back of the 97 and hitch from outside stittsville. take the 7 as far as we can, then get down to the 401.
ESA
lol no. i meant 6pm.
Jessica Amber Murray
i was talking to you at like 8:00 and you said you were going to asylum. whatever, not important. have you resubleted? is illuminous hitching as well?
ESA
I'm not gonna keep waiting around for him to decide what he wants to do on Monday. Ok I can feel myself getting pissy. Time to eat.
He doesn't seem to be very proactive. and that pisses me off a little bit.
I don't know what illuminouss is doing.
according to FB
i also got up at like 9:50
and then i got up.
oh i was taking a nap
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, well..we'll talk before monday morning.
ESA
k
Thursday, July 18, 2013
i think my perspective is slightly different than the people that i'm going with. i've been thinking about this for a few days and am going to try and articulate what *i'm* thinking and why *i'm* going.
i was reading up a little this morning on the idea of a temporary autonomous zone, which is a concept that developed out of the post-left critique of traditional anarchist thinking. it seems to be the idea that the occupy movement was conceptualized around. whilst living within everything that's around us, and the apparent hopelessness of fighting against a system that protects itself with drone strikes and riot police, is there a way to carve out a small space that allows for the experience of real freedom?
southern ontario is a bubble that's developing in the collapse of industrial civilization. from the perspective of a factory worker with a family to feed, this is a catastrophe. from the perspective of an artist that rejects the concept of wage labour, it's an opportunity to grasp upon. i want to walk in to this vacuum, this growing autonomous region, and help build an entirely different way to exist.
i was reading up a little this morning on the idea of a temporary autonomous zone, which is a concept that developed out of the post-left critique of traditional anarchist thinking. it seems to be the idea that the occupy movement was conceptualized around. whilst living within everything that's around us, and the apparent hopelessness of fighting against a system that protects itself with drone strikes and riot police, is there a way to carve out a small space that allows for the experience of real freedom?
southern ontario is a bubble that's developing in the collapse of industrial civilization. from the perspective of a factory worker with a family to feed, this is a catastrophe. from the perspective of an artist that rejects the concept of wage labour, it's an opportunity to grasp upon. i want to walk in to this vacuum, this growing autonomous region, and help build an entirely different way to exist.
so, i'm in the process of blowing my life up and starting over somewhere else.
i'm moving to somewhere in southern ontario super soon. august 1st, maybe. i'm hitching out of town on monday with some friends to check out places in windsor, but i haven't entirely committed to moving precisely there yet. to start off with, i've never even been there before. seems a little impulsive to make that choice without visiting first, and i'm not a really impulsive person.
other possible destinations are niagara and waterloo.
why? the simple reason is that the cost of living in these places is drastically lower. i don't particularly want to leave ottawa for a small town, my preference would be for a larger city, but it's clear at this point that i cannot live the lifestyle i want to live in a city that is this expensive.
two of these places have other advantages. windsor is very close to the music scene in detroit; waterloo has a university i've always wanted to hang out at (and train access into toronto). niagara appears to be the cheapest of the three.
i'm moving to somewhere in southern ontario super soon. august 1st, maybe. i'm hitching out of town on monday with some friends to check out places in windsor, but i haven't entirely committed to moving precisely there yet. to start off with, i've never even been there before. seems a little impulsive to make that choice without visiting first, and i'm not a really impulsive person.
other possible destinations are niagara and waterloo.
why? the simple reason is that the cost of living in these places is drastically lower. i don't particularly want to leave ottawa for a small town, my preference would be for a larger city, but it's clear at this point that i cannot live the lifestyle i want to live in a city that is this expensive.
two of these places have other advantages. windsor is very close to the music scene in detroit; waterloo has a university i've always wanted to hang out at (and train access into toronto). niagara appears to be the cheapest of the three.
staying in for the night, but why am i getting tracers?
ESA
are you going to asylum tonihgtÉ
É
Jessica Amber Murray
that accent acute is a little unnecessary.
i think i need a jessica night.
ESA
my keyboard switched to French. its supposed to be a question mark. yeah, I don't want to either, but I promised dylan.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm actually a little weirded out about not remembering how we got home last night. did we walk? cab?
ESA
half walked, and then cabbed
wow, I didnèt know you werrethat drunk
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm a little concerned i wasn't drunk. did i pay at all?
ESA
no I think playa payed
Jessica Amber Murray
my knees are really weirdly wobbly today. i've been randomly dizzy. i'm getting mushroom trip like reality swirls.
i left my drink out a few times.
i should be more careful with that.
ESA
hangover!
i feel a little weird too
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not normal hangover stuff, though. my knees don't normally get like this, that's for sure.
ESA
sshitttt
fuck i don't want to go to the asylum...
but i need to say bye to dylan.
Jessica Amber Murray
then don't go. he can't be leaving tonight. invite him over for coffee tomorrow.
ESA
yeah but still hell be mad if i don't go.
are you going to asylum tonihgtÉ
É
Jessica Amber Murray
that accent acute is a little unnecessary.
i think i need a jessica night.
ESA
my keyboard switched to French. its supposed to be a question mark. yeah, I don't want to either, but I promised dylan.
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm actually a little weirded out about not remembering how we got home last night. did we walk? cab?
ESA
half walked, and then cabbed
wow, I didnèt know you werrethat drunk
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm a little concerned i wasn't drunk. did i pay at all?
ESA
no I think playa payed
Jessica Amber Murray
my knees are really weirdly wobbly today. i've been randomly dizzy. i'm getting mushroom trip like reality swirls.
i left my drink out a few times.
i should be more careful with that.
ESA
hangover!
i feel a little weird too
Jessica Amber Murray
it's not normal hangover stuff, though. my knees don't normally get like this, that's for sure.
ESA
sshitttt
fuck i don't want to go to the asylum...
but i need to say bye to dylan.
Jessica Amber Murray
then don't go. he can't be leaving tonight. invite him over for coffee tomorrow.
ESA
yeah but still hell be mad if i don't go.
what happened
ESA
JESSS
MY HEAD IS MELTING
OW.
Jessica Amber Murray
hungover? i find caffeinated pop works the best, despite it being exactly the opposite of what science claims in the matter.
just tell me if you're coming or not so i can plan.
ESA
coming where?
Jessica Amber Murray
greely.
ESA
I think i'm too gross
Jessica Amber Murray
s'all good, no pressure.
ESA
can we do it on a not-so-hungover day?
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. they're always home, they need very little notice.
ESA
ugh the subletter guy bailed.
Jessica Amber Murray
fuck. well, you've got like 800 other people.
ESA
yeah but he was kewl
I forgot about my uke lesson
slept in until like 230
Jessica Amber Murray
you forgot your doctor's appointment too, i guess. maybe you can use that as an argument.
ESA
OH SHIT. yeah I forgot that. fuck
fuck. going to mac's milk is the hardest thing in the world right now.
Jessica Amber Murray
just yell out the window. ooh! you should set up one of those tin can telephones with the store and put a pulley system on it.
ESA
yeah
fuckit. I look like shit.
and whenever I leave I see so fucking many people I know
its so annoying
Jessica Amber Murray
are you coercing me to buy you pop and bring it up?
ESA
no.
hahahha no
I can do that myself.
BTW
ALMOST THREESOME
LAST NIGHT
They keep failing through though. I'm very mad about that.
Jessica Amber Murray
so, it was, like, sequential sex, then? i can't even handle sex with one person, a threesome would probably make me vomit out of self-conscious fear.
ESA
hahaha
buaahahahahaha
well. no. I tried very harrd to make it happen
and lenin was down, but then he was not down.
Jessica Amber Murray
so, no sex at all? geez, i was excited for a second.
ESA
what do you mean no sex?
OF COURSE THERE WAS SEX
haha
hahahabuahaha
a true lady does not kiss and tell
Except I think I already did.
Jessica Amber Murray
that other guy you brought home seemed like the type, but i'm not sure i could really imagine lenin having sex.
ESA
haha. seemed like the type ?
the sex type?
Its so funny, he was like in love with me when I was 19
he was so excited and disbelievgin the whole time.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, seemed kinda playery.
ESA
I like worship sex. its kinda my favorite.
yeah I dunno if he's player now. He didn't used to be. he was such a dweeb.
Jessica Amber Murray
i just can't do it. it's almost impossible to explain. like, when i have sex dreams, i have a vagina and it involves insertion. it's real in the dream state. i just don't know how the fuck to use a penis. so when i was having sex when i was younger i'd basically just sit there and watch, i'd totally disassociate. anyways, i'm glad you got laid. high five.
ESA
wooohhh
you should get a strap on vagina
I guess its not the same.
lololol
Jessica Amber Murray
not at all. it makes dating and one night stands and everything else such a dead end, though, that i don't bother. about the only way i know how to pleasure somebody is with my fingers and mouth.
ESA
well then.
most people don't know what they're doing with their dinkie anyways
so its basically useless.
and yeah I also made up a new word
Jessica Amber Murray
what's the new word?
ESA
dinkie
likes like winky. except not.
Jessica Amber Murray
dinkie is definitely not a new word, it's what i called it when i was a kid.
ESA
that's winkie!
are you sure? oh well whateva
Jessica Amber Murray
absolutely sure. because my mom thought dinkie was cute and dink was crude, so that was the permitted official terminology.
ESA
LOL
JESSS
MY HEAD IS MELTING
OW.
Jessica Amber Murray
hungover? i find caffeinated pop works the best, despite it being exactly the opposite of what science claims in the matter.
just tell me if you're coming or not so i can plan.
ESA
coming where?
Jessica Amber Murray
greely.
ESA
I think i'm too gross
Jessica Amber Murray
s'all good, no pressure.
ESA
can we do it on a not-so-hungover day?
Jessica Amber Murray
sure. they're always home, they need very little notice.
ESA
ugh the subletter guy bailed.
Jessica Amber Murray
fuck. well, you've got like 800 other people.
ESA
yeah but he was kewl
I forgot about my uke lesson
slept in until like 230
Jessica Amber Murray
you forgot your doctor's appointment too, i guess. maybe you can use that as an argument.
ESA
OH SHIT. yeah I forgot that. fuck
fuck. going to mac's milk is the hardest thing in the world right now.
Jessica Amber Murray
just yell out the window. ooh! you should set up one of those tin can telephones with the store and put a pulley system on it.
ESA
yeah
fuckit. I look like shit.
and whenever I leave I see so fucking many people I know
its so annoying
Jessica Amber Murray
are you coercing me to buy you pop and bring it up?
ESA
no.
hahahha no
I can do that myself.
BTW
ALMOST THREESOME
LAST NIGHT
They keep failing through though. I'm very mad about that.
Jessica Amber Murray
so, it was, like, sequential sex, then? i can't even handle sex with one person, a threesome would probably make me vomit out of self-conscious fear.
ESA
hahaha
buaahahahahaha
well. no. I tried very harrd to make it happen
and lenin was down, but then he was not down.
Jessica Amber Murray
so, no sex at all? geez, i was excited for a second.
ESA
what do you mean no sex?
OF COURSE THERE WAS SEX
haha
hahahabuahaha
a true lady does not kiss and tell
Except I think I already did.
Jessica Amber Murray
that other guy you brought home seemed like the type, but i'm not sure i could really imagine lenin having sex.
ESA
haha. seemed like the type ?
the sex type?
Its so funny, he was like in love with me when I was 19
he was so excited and disbelievgin the whole time.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, seemed kinda playery.
ESA
I like worship sex. its kinda my favorite.
yeah I dunno if he's player now. He didn't used to be. he was such a dweeb.
Jessica Amber Murray
i just can't do it. it's almost impossible to explain. like, when i have sex dreams, i have a vagina and it involves insertion. it's real in the dream state. i just don't know how the fuck to use a penis. so when i was having sex when i was younger i'd basically just sit there and watch, i'd totally disassociate. anyways, i'm glad you got laid. high five.
ESA
wooohhh
you should get a strap on vagina
I guess its not the same.
lololol
Jessica Amber Murray
not at all. it makes dating and one night stands and everything else such a dead end, though, that i don't bother. about the only way i know how to pleasure somebody is with my fingers and mouth.
ESA
well then.
most people don't know what they're doing with their dinkie anyways
so its basically useless.
and yeah I also made up a new word
Jessica Amber Murray
what's the new word?
ESA
dinkie
likes like winky. except not.
Jessica Amber Murray
dinkie is definitely not a new word, it's what i called it when i was a kid.
ESA
that's winkie!
are you sure? oh well whateva
Jessica Amber Murray
absolutely sure. because my mom thought dinkie was cute and dink was crude, so that was the permitted official terminology.
ESA
LOL
consequences
Jessica Amber Murray
i was legit drunk last night. i vaguely remember hanging out in the park, and i remember realizing i was drunk and going home, but i don't remember how we got from the hostel back to hintonburg. as expected, breakfast this morning got cancelled. i rescheduled for supper, which means going to their place. we can likely get a ride from south keys to findley creek, but it's bussing to there. no pressure. but let me know if you do or do not want to go. (time is not really set, whenever, i'll call them back)
(drunk because no caffeine.)
i remember some drunk young lady falling all over me outside the women's washroom, and her eventually saying "have a good night, lovely" and me thinking lovely was a weird thing to call somebody. and you and etan stealing my drink. and other scattered things. but that's why i need rockstar.
ESA
lol. wtf. I was sooo wasted to.
i was legit drunk last night. i vaguely remember hanging out in the park, and i remember realizing i was drunk and going home, but i don't remember how we got from the hostel back to hintonburg. as expected, breakfast this morning got cancelled. i rescheduled for supper, which means going to their place. we can likely get a ride from south keys to findley creek, but it's bussing to there. no pressure. but let me know if you do or do not want to go. (time is not really set, whenever, i'll call them back)
(drunk because no caffeine.)
i remember some drunk young lady falling all over me outside the women's washroom, and her eventually saying "have a good night, lovely" and me thinking lovely was a weird thing to call somebody. and you and etan stealing my drink. and other scattered things. but that's why i need rockstar.
ESA
lol. wtf. I was sooo wasted to.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
more planning
Jessica Amber Murray
1) odsp should cover at least some of the costs of moving. it's 'discretionary'. i need to get more info on maximum amounts and how to ensure it gets covered, but i think we can rely on this for at least half.
2) my parents have some kind of voucher at sears that they're giving me. i'd like to take a run through street corners first, but whatever we can't find we should be able to grab there for free.
3) my step-mother and i had the money talk today about my dad dying. he's really concerned that i'm losing a fall-back system, and she's promised him she'll take on that responsibility. we talked about it and decided the best option is a monthly deposit into my account, which should be around $400 for starters. so, yeah, i guess i'm sort of bourgy too :P
also, they want to meet you. which is sort of reasonable given that we're kind of running away. you're invited for breakfast tomorrow morning at south keys at 10:00 (i'm going to call at 9:00). however, i TOTALLY understand why that's creepy and weird, and there's absolutely ZERO pressure to come if you don't want to.
ESA
I have a dr's apt at Carleton at 11. so I can't make it
also, I love how you call me bourgy even though I get no monetary support from my parents
my dad also said that if I move to Windsor, he will never bail me out, or help me move or support me with anything ever again
LOL. I will totally come meet your parents, but they will NOT like me at 10 in the morning.
Also, a moving van looks to be about 700 hundred
i dunno how i can get that kinda cash without selling BJs on the street
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. that's the uhaul price. the van itself is not so much, but they charge by the kilometre. i'll call odsp tomorrow and see if they'll front it. also, what i'm hoping is if we look around a bit we can find somebody that will just rent us the van, flat fee, no questions about where it's going. if we can find that, it could be less than $100.
ESA
ooh
dunno how to find that though
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't either, i'm just hoping it exists.
if not...even if odsp only gives me like $400 or something, that's $150 each to pay. i could front that for you.
(and fwiw i totally know what it's like to have parents with money that won't give you any. mine have really turned on a dime - they've been brutal the last five years or so. i think my dad dying has really changed my stepmother's attitude towards life. i'll stop teasing you about that.)
ESA
yeah. well my dad is kinda weird about it. and my mom doesn't have any now that she's a minister
she makes like 1200 bucks a month
or something ridiculous like that
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. my step-mom's a pretty big boss at the canadian blood services. she oversees the bone marrow transfusion division or something. works from home, even. my dad was a middle manager at the corporate tax division for the provincial government. he oversaw a team that went after businesses that didn't pay their taxes. together, they made over 200,000/year. but, when i got evicted two years ago they told me to hit the curb. i occupied their back yard and got dragged out by the cops. this recent turn of events is highly unexpected.
ESA
woahhhhhh crazy
similar situation with me
do you want fire tonight ? ?
it might be too hot.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i don't want to venture too far or drink too much tonight. i just listed a bunch of grievances against my parents, but it was really just my step-mom that completely vetoed my dad, who wanted to let me stay, etc. this little bit of dad time is sort of important to me.
is anybody else up for fire? i could maybe stop by for a few beers later, if there's still some left.
buuuuut....do we want to throw a going away party? been thinking about that a bit.
ESA
I dunno
i'm not throwing my own. that's tacky.
illuminous is up for a fire.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i sort of think i'd rather stay in the area, but i think i'm up for hanging out one way or the other. how much beer is left?
(is a run necessary?)
ESA
oh theres none left. lol
illuminous wants fire
I want that or jail hoste l
Jessica Amber Murray
what's at jail hostel?
open mic?
fuck, i should do an open mic before i leave, just to confuse people.
ESA
well we can do it later
ugh stupid beer stores.
close so early.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. well, let me know what's happening, i guess. my vote is bike down to the grocery store and split a bottle of wine in the near vicinity, but i'll accept the democratic process.
ESA
fire!
well. the grocery store is near fire.
but I dunno.
we can also drink wine in secret at the hostel
I don't have a preference
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm going to vote hostel over fire. less bugs. and i think fires are better with more people.
ESA
ok
Jessica Amber Murray
are there usually amps at the hostel? the lack of dots on this classical makes playing what i want to play frustrating.
ESA
yeah
fsho.
you can use tape.
k i'll go to the hostel.
but I don't have money for beerz
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm going to need to clean myself up first. i don't want to buy beer there either. can we do this: you bike to the store, get wine, i'll pay you half when we meet. that will give me time to clean. then bike to hostel. ?.
ESA
i'm not going anywhere
but like maybe
we can make it to the lcbo in itme?
but fuckit. i'll probably find beer there .
its pretty cheap
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, let me get ready super quick - 20 minutes - and meet me outside my building at 9:30 and we'll talk?
ESA
ughmm
well i'm gonna get ready
make myself not look like crap
Jessica Amber Murray
k. ready. meet where?
ESA
etan is meeting me here at 930
Jessica Amber Murray
k. i'll be there close to that.
1) odsp should cover at least some of the costs of moving. it's 'discretionary'. i need to get more info on maximum amounts and how to ensure it gets covered, but i think we can rely on this for at least half.
2) my parents have some kind of voucher at sears that they're giving me. i'd like to take a run through street corners first, but whatever we can't find we should be able to grab there for free.
3) my step-mother and i had the money talk today about my dad dying. he's really concerned that i'm losing a fall-back system, and she's promised him she'll take on that responsibility. we talked about it and decided the best option is a monthly deposit into my account, which should be around $400 for starters. so, yeah, i guess i'm sort of bourgy too :P
also, they want to meet you. which is sort of reasonable given that we're kind of running away. you're invited for breakfast tomorrow morning at south keys at 10:00 (i'm going to call at 9:00). however, i TOTALLY understand why that's creepy and weird, and there's absolutely ZERO pressure to come if you don't want to.
ESA
I have a dr's apt at Carleton at 11. so I can't make it
also, I love how you call me bourgy even though I get no monetary support from my parents
my dad also said that if I move to Windsor, he will never bail me out, or help me move or support me with anything ever again
LOL. I will totally come meet your parents, but they will NOT like me at 10 in the morning.
Also, a moving van looks to be about 700 hundred
i dunno how i can get that kinda cash without selling BJs on the street
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. that's the uhaul price. the van itself is not so much, but they charge by the kilometre. i'll call odsp tomorrow and see if they'll front it. also, what i'm hoping is if we look around a bit we can find somebody that will just rent us the van, flat fee, no questions about where it's going. if we can find that, it could be less than $100.
ESA
ooh
dunno how to find that though
Jessica Amber Murray
i don't either, i'm just hoping it exists.
if not...even if odsp only gives me like $400 or something, that's $150 each to pay. i could front that for you.
(and fwiw i totally know what it's like to have parents with money that won't give you any. mine have really turned on a dime - they've been brutal the last five years or so. i think my dad dying has really changed my stepmother's attitude towards life. i'll stop teasing you about that.)
ESA
yeah. well my dad is kinda weird about it. and my mom doesn't have any now that she's a minister
she makes like 1200 bucks a month
or something ridiculous like that
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. my step-mom's a pretty big boss at the canadian blood services. she oversees the bone marrow transfusion division or something. works from home, even. my dad was a middle manager at the corporate tax division for the provincial government. he oversaw a team that went after businesses that didn't pay their taxes. together, they made over 200,000/year. but, when i got evicted two years ago they told me to hit the curb. i occupied their back yard and got dragged out by the cops. this recent turn of events is highly unexpected.
ESA
woahhhhhh crazy
similar situation with me
do you want fire tonight ? ?
it might be too hot.
Jessica Amber Murray
i think i don't want to venture too far or drink too much tonight. i just listed a bunch of grievances against my parents, but it was really just my step-mom that completely vetoed my dad, who wanted to let me stay, etc. this little bit of dad time is sort of important to me.
is anybody else up for fire? i could maybe stop by for a few beers later, if there's still some left.
buuuuut....do we want to throw a going away party? been thinking about that a bit.
ESA
I dunno
i'm not throwing my own. that's tacky.
illuminous is up for a fire.
Jessica Amber Murray
well, i sort of think i'd rather stay in the area, but i think i'm up for hanging out one way or the other. how much beer is left?
(is a run necessary?)
ESA
oh theres none left. lol
illuminous wants fire
I want that or jail hoste l
Jessica Amber Murray
what's at jail hostel?
open mic?
fuck, i should do an open mic before i leave, just to confuse people.
ESA
well we can do it later
ugh stupid beer stores.
close so early.
Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. well, let me know what's happening, i guess. my vote is bike down to the grocery store and split a bottle of wine in the near vicinity, but i'll accept the democratic process.
ESA
fire!
well. the grocery store is near fire.
but I dunno.
we can also drink wine in secret at the hostel
I don't have a preference
Jessica Amber Murray
i'm going to vote hostel over fire. less bugs. and i think fires are better with more people.
ESA
ok
Jessica Amber Murray
are there usually amps at the hostel? the lack of dots on this classical makes playing what i want to play frustrating.
ESA
yeah
fsho.
you can use tape.
k i'll go to the hostel.
but I don't have money for beerz
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm going to need to clean myself up first. i don't want to buy beer there either. can we do this: you bike to the store, get wine, i'll pay you half when we meet. that will give me time to clean. then bike to hostel. ?.
ESA
i'm not going anywhere
but like maybe
we can make it to the lcbo in itme?
but fuckit. i'll probably find beer there .
its pretty cheap
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, let me get ready super quick - 20 minutes - and meet me outside my building at 9:30 and we'll talk?
ESA
ughmm
well i'm gonna get ready
make myself not look like crap
Jessica Amber Murray
k. ready. meet where?
ESA
etan is meeting me here at 930
Jessica Amber Murray
k. i'll be there close to that.
planning
ESA
can you set up a few viewings?
like 3?
and i'll set up 3 ?
Jessica Amber Murray
i can try early in the morning, but i'm going to be gone all day tomorrow. send me numbers/schedule?
did you talk to the rentiers about just walking out of the lease?
can you set up a few viewings?
like 3?
and i'll set up 3 ?
Jessica Amber Murray
i can try early in the morning, but i'm going to be gone all day tomorrow. send me numbers/schedule?
did you talk to the rentiers about just walking out of the lease?
request
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
so i should explain what's going on.
i'm moving to windsor with the redhead lead singer in this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6Jw-KqY6HE
we're just friends, by mutual declaration. for now.
why windsor? because rent is half the price. we can probably get a 2-bdr apartment for around $500. yeah. c-h-e-p. cheap.
windsor is also on the edge of one of the prime examples of the collapse of industrial civilization: detroit. windsor itself is pretty hopeless. in this vacuum of collapse comes an opportunity to try to build a better society that is free of the constraints of the existing one. that's the mandate of an artist.
she's going on odsp herself as well. and, as mentioned, she's a musician too. so the plan is to find somewhere to set up a studio, drink our faces off, record music all day, help advance the revolution and eat lots of spaghetti at 5:00 am in our spare time.
:)
getting there, though, requires somebody to drive us. you like road trips. we're not sure yet if it's august or september, but would you be willing to drive us from ottawa to windsor and then drive back?
moving expenses through odsp are discretionary, but i think i should be able to claim most of it. i just hope i can find somewhere that will rent us a big van for a flat rate rather than by the kilometre. otherwise, driving home is going to be expensive.
j
To: sister’s email address
so i should explain what's going on.
i'm moving to windsor with the redhead lead singer in this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6Jw-KqY6HE
we're just friends, by mutual declaration. for now.
why windsor? because rent is half the price. we can probably get a 2-bdr apartment for around $500. yeah. c-h-e-p. cheap.
windsor is also on the edge of one of the prime examples of the collapse of industrial civilization: detroit. windsor itself is pretty hopeless. in this vacuum of collapse comes an opportunity to try to build a better society that is free of the constraints of the existing one. that's the mandate of an artist.
she's going on odsp herself as well. and, as mentioned, she's a musician too. so the plan is to find somewhere to set up a studio, drink our faces off, record music all day, help advance the revolution and eat lots of spaghetti at 5:00 am in our spare time.
:)
getting there, though, requires somebody to drive us. you like road trips. we're not sure yet if it's august or september, but would you be willing to drive us from ottawa to windsor and then drive back?
moving expenses through odsp are discretionary, but i think i should be able to claim most of it. i just hope i can find somewhere that will rent us a big van for a flat rate rather than by the kilometre. otherwise, driving home is going to be expensive.
j
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)