crazy few days.
think i found something. not yet clear. find out soon.
going to take the slow route home, through a number of small towns. should be fun, if nothing else.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Re: dad
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address
i actually don't think i can handle that.
i know i can come off as a little cold sometimes, and i guess this is one of those situations. i think watching him die is just going to upset me. possibly extremely profoundly. i'd rather be as far away as possible.
i felt i said goodbye on the phone the other day, and i'm at peace with that.
i'm sorry. i just don't think i can handle it.
To: sister’s email address
i actually don't think i can handle that.
i know i can come off as a little cold sometimes, and i guess this is one of those situations. i think watching him die is just going to upset me. possibly extremely profoundly. i'd rather be as far away as possible.
i felt i said goodbye on the phone the other day, and i'm at peace with that.
i'm sorry. i just don't think i can handle it.
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm here with ESA and a mutual friend named illuminous. there is possibly a fourth person coming, etan.
the main idea was to try and find a house for super cheap. she doesn't want to pay more than $300, she wants space for a piano on the main floor and she wants a porch for her cat. i need studio space, which means i'd get the basement. i tried to explain before we left that we probably wouldn't find that. i mean, these places exist. we're staying in a hundred year old house with four bedrooms and a huge basement for $750. but they're not plentiful - there's nothing currently on the market. realistically, rent would have to be around $400-450, minimum. which is still cheap, but...
i was expecting this plan would fall through and i'd get a two bedroom, and i've told them that.
we were able to find one place and we put down an application for it but it's not really what any of us want. i'd get the attic rather than the basement. it's second floor. no porch (but a backyard). we don't think they'll rent to us, anyways.
they're going home tomorrow morning. i'll keep backpacking around the area.
keep me updated. i'm glad they're medicating him though, i really wasn't liking thinking about what he must be thinking.
To: stepmother’s email address
i'm here with ESA and a mutual friend named illuminous. there is possibly a fourth person coming, etan.
the main idea was to try and find a house for super cheap. she doesn't want to pay more than $300, she wants space for a piano on the main floor and she wants a porch for her cat. i need studio space, which means i'd get the basement. i tried to explain before we left that we probably wouldn't find that. i mean, these places exist. we're staying in a hundred year old house with four bedrooms and a huge basement for $750. but they're not plentiful - there's nothing currently on the market. realistically, rent would have to be around $400-450, minimum. which is still cheap, but...
i was expecting this plan would fall through and i'd get a two bedroom, and i've told them that.
we were able to find one place and we put down an application for it but it's not really what any of us want. i'd get the attic rather than the basement. it's second floor. no porch (but a backyard). we don't think they'll rent to us, anyways.
they're going home tomorrow morning. i'll keep backpacking around the area.
keep me updated. i'm glad they're medicating him though, i really wasn't liking thinking about what he must be thinking.
dad
From: sister’s email address
To: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
he’s not going to make it through the night tonight. they were surprised he made it through last night. if you want to say anything or simply be here, i suggest you come home asap.
To: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
he’s not going to make it through the night tonight. they were surprised he made it through last night. if you want to say anything or simply be here, i suggest you come home asap.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Re: i'm in windsor
From: grandmother’s email address
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I am glad you are safe!Take your time before committing to staying in Windsor, Perth certainly is a lot closer to this part of the world.I'm sorry to hear about your dad,I hope he dose not suffer too much.I have been back & forth to the apt & spent the past 2 days cleaning,vacumming etc quite a job!Leo has a dr's appointment tomorrow so kind of scary as it will tell us how the treatment is proceeding. We will then go to the cottage as normal on the weekend.Take care Jessica,thanks for the update I'll look forward to your next message.luv nana
To: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
I am glad you are safe!Take your time before committing to staying in Windsor, Perth certainly is a lot closer to this part of the world.I'm sorry to hear about your dad,I hope he dose not suffer too much.I have been back & forth to the apt & spent the past 2 days cleaning,vacumming etc quite a job!Leo has a dr's appointment tomorrow so kind of scary as it will tell us how the treatment is proceeding. We will then go to the cottage as normal on the weekend.Take care Jessica,thanks for the update I'll look forward to your next message.luv nana
RE: i'm in mississaugua
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Your dad can no longer get out of bed. He is having a hard time with oral meds so most of his pills have been changed to injections. He is resting comfortably because the doctor has been giving him phenobarbital for seizures because she is reducing the other anti-seizure meds which must be taken orally.
He is thus sleeping a lot.
Did ESA go with you?
Stay safe!
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
Your dad can no longer get out of bed. He is having a hard time with oral meds so most of his pills have been changed to injections. He is resting comfortably because the doctor has been giving him phenobarbital for seizures because she is reducing the other anti-seizure meds which must be taken orally.
He is thus sleeping a lot.
Did ESA go with you?
Stay safe!
Re: i'm in mississaugua
From: "jessica murray" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
To: stepmother’s email address
i made it to windsor. it took about 24 hours. i'm staying with a friend of a friend's.
windsor is a little boring, but i feel safe enough in certain areas. there's a few areas i'd want to avoid.
the price of a two bedroom for myself seems to be about 600-650. that's way cheaper than here, obviously. however, i'm going to be putting my standards up a bit, because it's boring. cornwall is also cheap and boring, but way closer.
if i can find something i really like, i'll stay. i'm not going to compromise or the sake of it being windsor, though.
i'm probably going to be gone a while, as i'm likely going to stop in a few other places. chatham is even cheaper, but i think i'll probably end up in waterloo. can you keep me updated on his status every day or two?
j
To: stepmother’s email address
i made it to windsor. it took about 24 hours. i'm staying with a friend of a friend's.
windsor is a little boring, but i feel safe enough in certain areas. there's a few areas i'd want to avoid.
the price of a two bedroom for myself seems to be about 600-650. that's way cheaper than here, obviously. however, i'm going to be putting my standards up a bit, because it's boring. cornwall is also cheap and boring, but way closer.
if i can find something i really like, i'll stay. i'm not going to compromise or the sake of it being windsor, though.
i'm probably going to be gone a while, as i'm likely going to stop in a few other places. chatham is even cheaper, but i think i'll probably end up in waterloo. can you keep me updated on his status every day or two?
j
i'm in windsor
from: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: grandmother’s email address
it took about 24 hours to hitch here.
i'm staying at a friend of a friend's.
i'm looking at two bedroom apartments for myself. they're around $600-650, which is still very cheap. i'm going to see what's available and make a decision from there. windsor is kind of boring from my perspective, so i'm going to be setting my standards high. i don't totally mind living somewhere boring if i can get the space i need to record.
that being said, i'm going to check rent prices in places like perth before i make a decision. that's a lot closer.
i was upset the other day because my dad had just called. he was slipping into paralysis and was calling to say goodbye before he lost his ability to talk. i was really borderline in a state of shock. talking just didn't interest me, i wanted to think.
it's probably going to be a while before i get back. i'll keep you updated.
j
To: grandmother’s email address
it took about 24 hours to hitch here.
i'm staying at a friend of a friend's.
i'm looking at two bedroom apartments for myself. they're around $600-650, which is still very cheap. i'm going to see what's available and make a decision from there. windsor is kind of boring from my perspective, so i'm going to be setting my standards high. i don't totally mind living somewhere boring if i can get the space i need to record.
that being said, i'm going to check rent prices in places like perth before i make a decision. that's a lot closer.
i was upset the other day because my dad had just called. he was slipping into paralysis and was calling to say goodbye before he lost his ability to talk. i was really borderline in a state of shock. talking just didn't interest me, i wanted to think.
it's probably going to be a while before i get back. i'll keep you updated.
j
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
arriving in windsor for the first time
Jessica Amber Murray
i've been here for a little over an hour, but got stuck in a timmy's with broken wifi during the rain. had to walk up to the next timmy's... so, what next? i'm just off highway 401, i'll get the address in a second, let me check google. i guess the important thing i need to know is if i need to check into a hostel tonight or not.
k, so i'm at tecumseh & huron church line (highway 3)
sorry. no line. just tecumseh & huron church.
ESA
were in walkerville
Jessica Amber Murray
so...you wanna meet somewhere? doesn't look like that far a walk, but i need an exact intersection or place because i have to find wifi and plug in to communicate. also...hostel. did you contact mackaye? i'd obviously rather not book a hostel if i don't have to, but if i do have to i want to do it soon.
ESA
Yeh u have a place at mackayes. Well meet u at kildare house. Its a pub in walkerville. 40 minutes? Dont know the address
Its on the corner of wyandotte and kildare
Jessica Amber Murray
k, i can't judge how long it will take, but if i go up highway 3 i can turn right on wyandotte and make it to kildare. leaving now, unless you want to say anything else before i leave.
(pause)
k, i'm gone.
i've been here for a little over an hour, but got stuck in a timmy's with broken wifi during the rain. had to walk up to the next timmy's... so, what next? i'm just off highway 401, i'll get the address in a second, let me check google. i guess the important thing i need to know is if i need to check into a hostel tonight or not.
k, so i'm at tecumseh & huron church line (highway 3)
sorry. no line. just tecumseh & huron church.
ESA
were in walkerville
Jessica Amber Murray
so...you wanna meet somewhere? doesn't look like that far a walk, but i need an exact intersection or place because i have to find wifi and plug in to communicate. also...hostel. did you contact mackaye? i'd obviously rather not book a hostel if i don't have to, but if i do have to i want to do it soon.
ESA
Yeh u have a place at mackayes. Well meet u at kildare house. Its a pub in walkerville. 40 minutes? Dont know the address
Its on the corner of wyandotte and kildare
Jessica Amber Murray
k, i can't judge how long it will take, but if i go up highway 3 i can turn right on wyandotte and make it to kildare. leaving now, unless you want to say anything else before i leave.
(pause)
k, i'm gone.
so, mavis was a horrendous place to hitch from. heavy traffic, and nowhere to stop. plus, the off ramp looked sketchy.
so, i took a west just north of the 401 hoping to get to the next exit, ended up getting lost in a wealthy neighbourhood, and came out on the side of a farm road. hey, a bus stop. more importantly, a map in the shelter.
i forked out the three dollars to get to the next off ramp, which was scalable, and caught a ride with another trucker pretty quickly to a service station outside ingersoll. had to hide in there for a few minutes due to opp hanging around the on ramp. made me wonder if he called me in.
i caught a ride almost instantly out to the outskirts of london, but it's unfortunately begun to rain. forecast claims this will happen lightly all afternoon. going to finish this coffee at this denny's here and likely just deal with it.
as an aside, i'm sort of enjoying this, excluding that creep, which i'm going to blame on being in the jane street area. i think i'm going to take the scenic route home.
so, i took a west just north of the 401 hoping to get to the next exit, ended up getting lost in a wealthy neighbourhood, and came out on the side of a farm road. hey, a bus stop. more importantly, a map in the shelter.
i forked out the three dollars to get to the next off ramp, which was scalable, and caught a ride with another trucker pretty quickly to a service station outside ingersoll. had to hide in there for a few minutes due to opp hanging around the on ramp. made me wonder if he called me in.
i caught a ride almost instantly out to the outskirts of london, but it's unfortunately begun to rain. forecast claims this will happen lightly all afternoon. going to finish this coffee at this denny's here and likely just deal with it.
as an aside, i'm sort of enjoying this, excluding that creep, which i'm going to blame on being in the jane street area. i think i'm going to take the scenic route home.
RE: i'm in mississaugua
From: stepmother’s email address
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
He is in bed all the time now...He is still lucid and wants to eat mainly sweets....Yhe doctor has asked for a daily nurse from 7-3 who will be starting today. The doctor thinks he needs a catheter now and I know that will be a big fight!
Stay safe!
To: "'jessica murray'" <dfhldgdhdlhfdla@gmail.com>
He is in bed all the time now...He is still lucid and wants to eat mainly sweets....Yhe doctor has asked for a daily nurse from 7-3 who will be starting today. The doctor thinks he needs a catheter now and I know that will be a big fight!
Stay safe!
got a few hours sleep. the sun should be up soon. had to take off somewhere else.
i try to be compassionate to schizophrenic people. while it's something that is fairly mild and infrequent, i've been through my share of episodes. but sometimes the things that come out of their mouths are legitimately unsettling in a way i'm not able to deal with.
the surgical mask is a pretty common characteristic. there's germs in the air. in truth, there's enough smog and pollution in the air in most major cities to turn the question around: why aren't we *all* wearing air filters? i can absolutely see the logic in this.
his grandmother wasn't around, though. she's likely long dead (he looked roughly 50). even that's not such an upsetting thing to interact with. so he's talking to his dead grandma. like, i know he's *really* talking to himself, that's just how he does it. to an extent i'm doing exactly the same thing right now, really.
it's when the topic turned morbid that i got unsettled, because i didn't know what he had in his bag. see, supposedly the big tsunami a few years ago was some kind of spiritual event. i wasn't able to follow the narrative entirely (it wasn't fully coherent, and i was trying to get a little rest), but it seems to be that there were angels that came down during the tidal wave and that they spread from vancouver across north america. i'm ultimately going to interpret that racially, and assume he's talking about asian immigration to north america and speciously connecting it to the tsunami. as god is evil (he is constantly lying, and only a fool would trust him), the angels are by extension the enemies of humanity. it's up to the humans to fight the angels. that's not his fault, either - the blood is on god's hands.
now, even that in itself wouldn't be enough to incite me to leave. it would leave me a little perturbed, concerned, but i get that schizophrenic people are schizophrenic and they're working out whatever they're working out. i can't construct the specific narrative because i don't know the guy, but it's likely a perfectly reasonable allegory for whatever life events have left him traumatized - it's his confused way of understanding whatever he can't really understand. there's a way to decode the message, even if i have no idea how. that's fine.
unfortunately, i felt targeted, and started wondering if he may have seen my facebook post. i allow followers, and have dozens of them that i know almost nothing about. hey, i run a more interesting than average profile. i've temporarily switched this post to friends only for that reason. he kept talking about how he finally found "him" (no, we didn't have a talk about gender pronouns), and what happens next is on god's hands. the common themes of god's hands and violence made me very uncomfortable.
he was also talking about how there will never be another one like "him" and it's humanity's only chance and he's sorry grandma but...
he just kept saying "him". no further specification. but it seemed like he was looking for somebody and found that person, and i was the only other person there.
so, yeah, i'll be glad to get out of toronto. the bike he was riding isn't going to get him very far down the road.
maybe i should interpret it as a compliment. if i picked up his message clearly, he was calling me an angel.
...but if he walks in here, i'm going to freak out.
i try to be compassionate to schizophrenic people. while it's something that is fairly mild and infrequent, i've been through my share of episodes. but sometimes the things that come out of their mouths are legitimately unsettling in a way i'm not able to deal with.
the surgical mask is a pretty common characteristic. there's germs in the air. in truth, there's enough smog and pollution in the air in most major cities to turn the question around: why aren't we *all* wearing air filters? i can absolutely see the logic in this.
his grandmother wasn't around, though. she's likely long dead (he looked roughly 50). even that's not such an upsetting thing to interact with. so he's talking to his dead grandma. like, i know he's *really* talking to himself, that's just how he does it. to an extent i'm doing exactly the same thing right now, really.
it's when the topic turned morbid that i got unsettled, because i didn't know what he had in his bag. see, supposedly the big tsunami a few years ago was some kind of spiritual event. i wasn't able to follow the narrative entirely (it wasn't fully coherent, and i was trying to get a little rest), but it seems to be that there were angels that came down during the tidal wave and that they spread from vancouver across north america. i'm ultimately going to interpret that racially, and assume he's talking about asian immigration to north america and speciously connecting it to the tsunami. as god is evil (he is constantly lying, and only a fool would trust him), the angels are by extension the enemies of humanity. it's up to the humans to fight the angels. that's not his fault, either - the blood is on god's hands.
now, even that in itself wouldn't be enough to incite me to leave. it would leave me a little perturbed, concerned, but i get that schizophrenic people are schizophrenic and they're working out whatever they're working out. i can't construct the specific narrative because i don't know the guy, but it's likely a perfectly reasonable allegory for whatever life events have left him traumatized - it's his confused way of understanding whatever he can't really understand. there's a way to decode the message, even if i have no idea how. that's fine.
unfortunately, i felt targeted, and started wondering if he may have seen my facebook post. i allow followers, and have dozens of them that i know almost nothing about. hey, i run a more interesting than average profile. i've temporarily switched this post to friends only for that reason. he kept talking about how he finally found "him" (no, we didn't have a talk about gender pronouns), and what happens next is on god's hands. the common themes of god's hands and violence made me very uncomfortable.
he was also talking about how there will never be another one like "him" and it's humanity's only chance and he's sorry grandma but...
he just kept saying "him". no further specification. but it seemed like he was looking for somebody and found that person, and i was the only other person there.
so, yeah, i'll be glad to get out of toronto. the bike he was riding isn't going to get him very far down the road.
maybe i should interpret it as a compliment. if i picked up his message clearly, he was calling me an angel.
...but if he walks in here, i'm going to freak out.
i'm in mississaugua
From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: stepmother's email address
i had a plan to be in kitchener by the end of the night, but it went awry. i was trying to avoid hitching up the 401 in toronto because i know it's awful. but i missed the go train.
where i am is past the worst of it. it should be a quick ride tomorrow.
i don't expect the answer to this question to be good, and i sort of dread asking it, but i need to know: how is he?
j
To: stepmother's email address
i had a plan to be in kitchener by the end of the night, but it went awry. i was trying to avoid hitching up the 401 in toronto because i know it's awful. but i missed the go train.
where i am is past the worst of it. it should be a quick ride tomorrow.
i don't expect the answer to this question to be good, and i sort of dread asking it, but i need to know: how is he?
j
Monday, July 22, 2013
please, people. don't honk at hitchhikers unless you plan to actually stop. it's heartbreaking. especially on the fucking 401 in toronto.
the fucking 401 in toronto.
i had a plan to avoid the fucking 401 in toronto. it involved hitching to oshawa early, hopping two different legs of the go train and eventually ending up in kitchener, where hitching is less strenuous. see, the side of the 401 in toronto is a scary place. of course, i slept in and it all fell apart and i ended up doing what i tried to plan around.
yes, a long day, but an interesting one. currently in a mcdonalds in mississaugua for the night. will get a few hours of sleep on the grass outside and keep going when the sun comes up. select stories follow...
so, i meant to be up and out by 7:00 but wasn't out of the house until a little after 10:00. despite other slight problems, this is the singular problem that fucked everything up.
the plan was to hop the back of the 96 at tunney's and get off in stittsville, but i got confused about the route. i thought the bus was going to circle back to hazeldean in the end. yet, it did no such thing. i should have known better than to try and hitch up fernbank; i think i did, really, i was more thinking i could walk up to highway 7. yet, a few minutes down the road it became clear that i was walking into an area that has more coyotes than people. so, around i turned and up carp road i went back to hazeldean...
i stopped in a coffee shop with wifi to touch in with some people only to find out that my laptop isn't recognizing my hard drive. great. see, it does that sometimes; it just needs a few tries. i need to get the data off this thing and switch laptops. but it didn't want to work quite right then.
whatever, keep going.
some ski bum dude that looked like he was on his way to go stalk jack white gave me a lift up to the highway 7 turnpike, which was a creepy walk down. again: i wanted to be off that road quickly due to coyote issues. luckily, it was only a few minutes before somebody gave me a lift out to carleton place....
it seems like a life time ago now, but some time in the distance past i dated a nice young lady from carleton place for a few years. she warned me time and time again: "never try and hitch out of carleton place!".
well, it took three hours, but it turned out ok in the end. i got a lift from a trucker up highway 7 right into toronto. transporting milk, he was. an older dude - mid 60s. slight lisp, probably from a stroke or two. seemed to sort of dad me. won't get into that right now.
he had a friend a few trucks up; i got to listen to a very long radio conversation between the two of them.
"what other industry has held the same wages since 1986?"
i didn't pull out my wage/inflation chart.
"we should shut them down for a few days. that'd get them to fucking listen."
"naw. the young drivers would never go for it. they're talk, but no action."
"fuck, i remember back when we had the teamsters. when we voted, we acted. and the people that didn't act ended up at the bottom of the river."
"yeah, and what are we now? we're just a fucking piece of shit is what we are."
they went on about this for a while. i said nothing. just listened.
"i've been doing this for 45 years and people ask me when i'm going to retire. i ask them when they're planning the box."
"but, i've had enough of driving trucks. i used to haul gravel. i don't want to do that anymore either. maybe i'll just get a job at home depot or something."
"yeah, maybe i'll apply for something at walmart."
ack.
he let me off at a split from the express into the collector going off to highway 400. it only took a few minutes before i realized that hitching from there was as unlikely as it was unsafe. so, i hopped across the feeder lane with the intent of going into toronto and seeing what might happen...
the hop across the lanes wasn't too bad; there was even a path along the far side of the highway on the other side of a concrete barrier. so, i hopped that. i wasn't sure if i was at ground level or elevated and wanted to get to ground level. after a short walk i came across a road that ran underneath the expressway; unmarked, no exit. yet, that was ground level...
i found out later it was jane street. for those unfamiliar with toronto, that's the street you don't want to be on.
i didn't know that at the time, though. getting down to the road seemed like a challenge, but not an impossible one: a small hill, a mild jump from a concrete slab overlooking the road. yet, on closer inspection, the jump seemed a bit too much. ok, i'll go around. problem: a barbed wire fence.
i took a walk up to the end. surely, they didn't actually fence in a grassed area on the side of the road? yes, they actually did. trapped! found a tree stump, took a pair of extra socks out and put them over my hands to deal with the wire, but i wasn't tall enough to get over the fence with it. kept looking; there must be a hole or a weakness. indeed, there was a space that had been uprooted to crawl under. my bag got trapped momentarily, i felt like i was stuck, but i was able to squirm out and sneak under. freedom...
a mall is ahead of me. ok. where am i? first sign says "beverly hills". thank you universe for your sense of humour. hilarious, really.
kept walking up what i later learned was jane street, in the general direction of finch. found a subway.
"where's the closest go train station"
no answer. try the beer store. didn't know. fuck. hey, there's some punk kids over there...
"do you know where the closest go station is?"
"there isn't a close one."
"is there a university campus somewhere near here i could sleep at?"
"no."
"how long do the connector lanes in the 401 go on for?"
"not sure."
"ok. then, what's the best way to keep going parallel to the 401?"
"i don't know, but if you follow this road here it should get you in the right direction."
ok, then. down wilson with my thumb out...
so, here's my creepy pick up story for this trip. every hitching trip has one.
older dude picks me up.
"where you going?"
"windsor."
"why windsor?"
"i'm meeting some friends there."
"is one of them your boyfriend?"
*pause*
"no, but one of them is my girlfriend."
(apologies to erin, that's not true and wasn't stated with intent, i was just trying to throw him off)
"i think you should be my girlfriend."
"nnnnnno. i don't think so."
"what? don't you like to hear about how sexy your body is?"
“i want you to let me out right now."
"i want to drive you home"
"NO. NOW."
he slowed down a little, tried to turn into a parking lot. i opened the door as he was turning, which made him stop immediately.
"creep."
there's a bus stopped down the street. great. escape. run...
"how far can you get me in the direction of kitchener?"
"i'm with the toronto bus, and i only go down the street, then the brampton bus takes over."
i've heard of this before, this bus service in toronto that isn't remotely connected and requires absurd transfers in weird places. i explained there was a creep weirding me out, so he just let me on for free down the street.
when i got off i was at the intersection of weston and albion. the on ramp there was closed; bad to hitch at. so, i took a look at some maps and realized the best thing to do was walk down weston to dixon, then up dixon to the dixon-401 ramp.
turns out the map's scale was a little smaller than expected. that was an hour walk. it was a nice walk, though, over the humber and through some bourgy neighbourhoods. by the time i got there it was definitely dark...
i decided to wait until 11:00 and if nobody picked me up i'd walk to the airport and crash there. somebody did pick me up, though, a nice south asian dude with a minivan full of carseats. unfortunately, he dropped me off in pretty much the same sort of on-the-401 situation i had tried to escape from previously.
this was a slightly better place to hitch, though. there was an extended median in the road, and the traffic was a little lighter. i was getting impatient, though. hitching on the 401 is a bad idea to begin with. hitching on the 401 in the dark with dark clothes on is just flat out stupid. i was literally turning around to try and get into brampton when i took one last glance and saw somebody was waiting...
older hippie dude this time.
"you need to get off the highway immediately before the cops come pick you up."
"honestly, they may get me close to where i'm..."
"just get in."
he proceeded to completely berate me for hitching in the dark. what the fuck was wrong with me?
"i know, i've done this before and..."
"well, then you should know better."
"i do know better."
"then what the fuck are you doing?"
"well, it's circumstance."
"i'll drop you at mavis, and hitch from the fucking on ramp."
i decided to go get something to eat and found this mcdonalds that i'm at. he's right. i do know better. i'll start again when the sun comes up.
the fucking 401 in toronto.
i had a plan to avoid the fucking 401 in toronto. it involved hitching to oshawa early, hopping two different legs of the go train and eventually ending up in kitchener, where hitching is less strenuous. see, the side of the 401 in toronto is a scary place. of course, i slept in and it all fell apart and i ended up doing what i tried to plan around.
yes, a long day, but an interesting one. currently in a mcdonalds in mississaugua for the night. will get a few hours of sleep on the grass outside and keep going when the sun comes up. select stories follow...
so, i meant to be up and out by 7:00 but wasn't out of the house until a little after 10:00. despite other slight problems, this is the singular problem that fucked everything up.
the plan was to hop the back of the 96 at tunney's and get off in stittsville, but i got confused about the route. i thought the bus was going to circle back to hazeldean in the end. yet, it did no such thing. i should have known better than to try and hitch up fernbank; i think i did, really, i was more thinking i could walk up to highway 7. yet, a few minutes down the road it became clear that i was walking into an area that has more coyotes than people. so, around i turned and up carp road i went back to hazeldean...
i stopped in a coffee shop with wifi to touch in with some people only to find out that my laptop isn't recognizing my hard drive. great. see, it does that sometimes; it just needs a few tries. i need to get the data off this thing and switch laptops. but it didn't want to work quite right then.
whatever, keep going.
some ski bum dude that looked like he was on his way to go stalk jack white gave me a lift up to the highway 7 turnpike, which was a creepy walk down. again: i wanted to be off that road quickly due to coyote issues. luckily, it was only a few minutes before somebody gave me a lift out to carleton place....
it seems like a life time ago now, but some time in the distance past i dated a nice young lady from carleton place for a few years. she warned me time and time again: "never try and hitch out of carleton place!".
well, it took three hours, but it turned out ok in the end. i got a lift from a trucker up highway 7 right into toronto. transporting milk, he was. an older dude - mid 60s. slight lisp, probably from a stroke or two. seemed to sort of dad me. won't get into that right now.
he had a friend a few trucks up; i got to listen to a very long radio conversation between the two of them.
"what other industry has held the same wages since 1986?"
i didn't pull out my wage/inflation chart.
"we should shut them down for a few days. that'd get them to fucking listen."
"naw. the young drivers would never go for it. they're talk, but no action."
"fuck, i remember back when we had the teamsters. when we voted, we acted. and the people that didn't act ended up at the bottom of the river."
"yeah, and what are we now? we're just a fucking piece of shit is what we are."
they went on about this for a while. i said nothing. just listened.
"i've been doing this for 45 years and people ask me when i'm going to retire. i ask them when they're planning the box."
"but, i've had enough of driving trucks. i used to haul gravel. i don't want to do that anymore either. maybe i'll just get a job at home depot or something."
"yeah, maybe i'll apply for something at walmart."
ack.
he let me off at a split from the express into the collector going off to highway 400. it only took a few minutes before i realized that hitching from there was as unlikely as it was unsafe. so, i hopped across the feeder lane with the intent of going into toronto and seeing what might happen...
the hop across the lanes wasn't too bad; there was even a path along the far side of the highway on the other side of a concrete barrier. so, i hopped that. i wasn't sure if i was at ground level or elevated and wanted to get to ground level. after a short walk i came across a road that ran underneath the expressway; unmarked, no exit. yet, that was ground level...
i found out later it was jane street. for those unfamiliar with toronto, that's the street you don't want to be on.
i didn't know that at the time, though. getting down to the road seemed like a challenge, but not an impossible one: a small hill, a mild jump from a concrete slab overlooking the road. yet, on closer inspection, the jump seemed a bit too much. ok, i'll go around. problem: a barbed wire fence.
i took a walk up to the end. surely, they didn't actually fence in a grassed area on the side of the road? yes, they actually did. trapped! found a tree stump, took a pair of extra socks out and put them over my hands to deal with the wire, but i wasn't tall enough to get over the fence with it. kept looking; there must be a hole or a weakness. indeed, there was a space that had been uprooted to crawl under. my bag got trapped momentarily, i felt like i was stuck, but i was able to squirm out and sneak under. freedom...
a mall is ahead of me. ok. where am i? first sign says "beverly hills". thank you universe for your sense of humour. hilarious, really.
kept walking up what i later learned was jane street, in the general direction of finch. found a subway.
"where's the closest go train station"
no answer. try the beer store. didn't know. fuck. hey, there's some punk kids over there...
"do you know where the closest go station is?"
"there isn't a close one."
"is there a university campus somewhere near here i could sleep at?"
"no."
"how long do the connector lanes in the 401 go on for?"
"not sure."
"ok. then, what's the best way to keep going parallel to the 401?"
"i don't know, but if you follow this road here it should get you in the right direction."
ok, then. down wilson with my thumb out...
so, here's my creepy pick up story for this trip. every hitching trip has one.
older dude picks me up.
"where you going?"
"windsor."
"why windsor?"
"i'm meeting some friends there."
"is one of them your boyfriend?"
*pause*
"no, but one of them is my girlfriend."
(apologies to erin, that's not true and wasn't stated with intent, i was just trying to throw him off)
"i think you should be my girlfriend."
"nnnnnno. i don't think so."
"what? don't you like to hear about how sexy your body is?"
“i want you to let me out right now."
"i want to drive you home"
"NO. NOW."
he slowed down a little, tried to turn into a parking lot. i opened the door as he was turning, which made him stop immediately.
"creep."
there's a bus stopped down the street. great. escape. run...
"how far can you get me in the direction of kitchener?"
"i'm with the toronto bus, and i only go down the street, then the brampton bus takes over."
i've heard of this before, this bus service in toronto that isn't remotely connected and requires absurd transfers in weird places. i explained there was a creep weirding me out, so he just let me on for free down the street.
when i got off i was at the intersection of weston and albion. the on ramp there was closed; bad to hitch at. so, i took a look at some maps and realized the best thing to do was walk down weston to dixon, then up dixon to the dixon-401 ramp.
turns out the map's scale was a little smaller than expected. that was an hour walk. it was a nice walk, though, over the humber and through some bourgy neighbourhoods. by the time i got there it was definitely dark...
i decided to wait until 11:00 and if nobody picked me up i'd walk to the airport and crash there. somebody did pick me up, though, a nice south asian dude with a minivan full of carseats. unfortunately, he dropped me off in pretty much the same sort of on-the-401 situation i had tried to escape from previously.
this was a slightly better place to hitch, though. there was an extended median in the road, and the traffic was a little lighter. i was getting impatient, though. hitching on the 401 is a bad idea to begin with. hitching on the 401 in the dark with dark clothes on is just flat out stupid. i was literally turning around to try and get into brampton when i took one last glance and saw somebody was waiting...
older hippie dude this time.
"you need to get off the highway immediately before the cops come pick you up."
"honestly, they may get me close to where i'm..."
"just get in."
he proceeded to completely berate me for hitching in the dark. what the fuck was wrong with me?
"i know, i've done this before and..."
"well, then you should know better."
"i do know better."
"then what the fuck are you doing?"
"well, it's circumstance."
"i'll drop you at mavis, and hitch from the fucking on ramp."
i decided to go get something to eat and found this mcdonalds that i'm at. he's right. i do know better. i'll start again when the sun comes up.
stopping for the night
Jessica Amber Murray
so, i slept in and it fucked everything up. the idea of hopping the go train to kitchener is that i know that hitching in toronto up the 401 is fucking impossible. truth has a habit of proving itself right. i didn't get into toronto until around 7:00, so i missed the train. i had a choice between delaying everything a day and trying my luck; i tried my luck. i made it to the far end of missassauga by 11:00. that's actually pretty good for hitching through toronto. i'm in a macdonald's and will stay here until the sun comes up. that doesn't change the general end goal of windsor tomorrow afternoon. interesting day, though. i'll write a long status update.
ESA
Lollll amazing!!
Jessica Amber Murray
how about you guys? on the bus? things going as planned?
ESA
Yep yep. Were in Toronto. You can catch a bus from missassauga to windsor definitely for cheap.
So tiredddddddddd. Where r u sleeping?
Jessica Amber Murray
probably just crash on the grass outside the macdonalds, or even slouch in the seats a bit. i'm not at all tired just this moment though.
ESA
Haha lol ok.
Jessica Amber Murray
read my status update. it's going to be a short story. well, it *is* a short story...
so, i slept in and it fucked everything up. the idea of hopping the go train to kitchener is that i know that hitching in toronto up the 401 is fucking impossible. truth has a habit of proving itself right. i didn't get into toronto until around 7:00, so i missed the train. i had a choice between delaying everything a day and trying my luck; i tried my luck. i made it to the far end of missassauga by 11:00. that's actually pretty good for hitching through toronto. i'm in a macdonald's and will stay here until the sun comes up. that doesn't change the general end goal of windsor tomorrow afternoon. interesting day, though. i'll write a long status update.
ESA
Lollll amazing!!
Jessica Amber Murray
how about you guys? on the bus? things going as planned?
ESA
Yep yep. Were in Toronto. You can catch a bus from missassauga to windsor definitely for cheap.
So tiredddddddddd. Where r u sleeping?
Jessica Amber Murray
probably just crash on the grass outside the macdonalds, or even slouch in the seats a bit. i'm not at all tired just this moment though.
ESA
Haha lol ok.
Jessica Amber Murray
read my status update. it's going to be a short story. well, it *is* a short story...
Sunday, July 21, 2013
music is the best medicine for depression. it's almost magic, really.
i'm ok. no, really. i am. i've had a long time to think about this. i was just overwhelmed for a moment, there.
it's mostly a coincidence that i'm skipping town almost exactly as my dad has given up. he fought as hard as he could. the truth is he never really had a chance. almost nobody survives brain cancer.
he stopped taking his meds last week, by conscious choice. the treatment was just overwhelming. over the last few hours, the paralysis has spread from his left side (the tumour is on the right side of his brain) to both sides of his body. he's likely to lose control of his face muscles while i'm gone this week, rendering him unable to speak, and possibly slip into a coma or die.
there's nothing of value that can be accomplished by me staying here this week and watching him die. all that can do is fuck me up. i could speak of many things right now regarding the nature of death, but the reality is that i do not believe any of them, nor do i believe they are of any consequence to a dead person. there is nothing at all of any consequence to a dead person, not even the fact that they are dead. i may wish it to come as painlessly as possible, but i know better. it's not even physical, but mental. yet, his mental state over the next few days is a temporary reality that only he has any real understanding of, and will not matter at all to any existing conscious being once he has passed.
such a state is devastating to contemplate. it's such an awful, gruesome way to die. seizures, treatment, surgery; slow paralysis, loss of speech, coma. i can only imagine the kind of fear that sets in as you slowly lose control of your ability to control your own muscles, as death slowly consumes your body. it must be like being eaten alive.
in truth, i don't want to imagine this kind of fear, especially in the mind of such a loved one. i want to move forwards.
we say goodbye to each other all of the time. it's reflexive. routine. meaningless, really.
sometimes the word actually means something. i couldn't handle saying it. i waited. that pause felt much longer than it was.
he said it first; a reflexive response. but it set me right off...
i'm ok. no, really, i am. the crying helped. but i think the music helped more.
i'm ok. no, really. i am. i've had a long time to think about this. i was just overwhelmed for a moment, there.
it's mostly a coincidence that i'm skipping town almost exactly as my dad has given up. he fought as hard as he could. the truth is he never really had a chance. almost nobody survives brain cancer.
he stopped taking his meds last week, by conscious choice. the treatment was just overwhelming. over the last few hours, the paralysis has spread from his left side (the tumour is on the right side of his brain) to both sides of his body. he's likely to lose control of his face muscles while i'm gone this week, rendering him unable to speak, and possibly slip into a coma or die.
there's nothing of value that can be accomplished by me staying here this week and watching him die. all that can do is fuck me up. i could speak of many things right now regarding the nature of death, but the reality is that i do not believe any of them, nor do i believe they are of any consequence to a dead person. there is nothing at all of any consequence to a dead person, not even the fact that they are dead. i may wish it to come as painlessly as possible, but i know better. it's not even physical, but mental. yet, his mental state over the next few days is a temporary reality that only he has any real understanding of, and will not matter at all to any existing conscious being once he has passed.
such a state is devastating to contemplate. it's such an awful, gruesome way to die. seizures, treatment, surgery; slow paralysis, loss of speech, coma. i can only imagine the kind of fear that sets in as you slowly lose control of your ability to control your own muscles, as death slowly consumes your body. it must be like being eaten alive.
in truth, i don't want to imagine this kind of fear, especially in the mind of such a loved one. i want to move forwards.
we say goodbye to each other all of the time. it's reflexive. routine. meaningless, really.
sometimes the word actually means something. i couldn't handle saying it. i waited. that pause felt much longer than it was.
he said it first; a reflexive response. but it set me right off...
i'm ok. no, really, i am. the crying helped. but i think the music helped more.
not right this minute, please
ESA
ok I'm getting kinda stressed now.
Jessica Amber Murray
stressed about what, exactly? wait, don't answer. i'm really fucked up right now. want to think, not talk. talking's a bad idea.
ESA
what happun ?
mackaye still hasn't gotten back to me.
Jessica Amber Murray
i just had a very dramatic phone conversation with my dad. his left side has been paralyzed for a while. he just lost his right side. and he's afraid he's gone to lose his voice soon. it was the permanence of the word "bye" that set me off. the moment of silence that came before it, because i didn't want to say it. i'll be ok. this has been going on for two years. it's been a process. i'm at peace. i just need to cry a bit. and think a bit. not much use for planning for the night. sorry.
ESA
i'm so sorry Jess. :(
Let me know if you need to talk ever.
ok I'm getting kinda stressed now.
Jessica Amber Murray
stressed about what, exactly? wait, don't answer. i'm really fucked up right now. want to think, not talk. talking's a bad idea.
ESA
what happun ?
mackaye still hasn't gotten back to me.
Jessica Amber Murray
i just had a very dramatic phone conversation with my dad. his left side has been paralyzed for a while. he just lost his right side. and he's afraid he's gone to lose his voice soon. it was the permanence of the word "bye" that set me off. the moment of silence that came before it, because i didn't want to say it. i'll be ok. this has been going on for two years. it's been a process. i'm at peace. i just need to cry a bit. and think a bit. not much use for planning for the night. sorry.
ESA
i'm so sorry Jess. :(
Let me know if you need to talk ever.
the plan
Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm going to modify my plan slightly.
i'll hitch from here to oshawa, through peterborough. then i'll take the go train (i'll hop it) from oshawa to toronto, then again from toronto to waterloo.
that will either get me to waterloo at 6:45 or 7:45 tomorrow night. i'll stay there for the night, check the town out.
waterloo's somewhere i've been thinking about checking out for years and years.
i can then hitch from there up to windsor.
(on tuesday morning)
meaning i'll be there tuesday afternoon.
i should have wifi access in waterloo, and maybe on the go train.
you'll go through waterloo on your way to windsor, so if shit hits the fan we can meet there.
that also means i need to be up early, so no open mic tonight for me.
ESA
lol ok cool. :D
ok, i'm going to modify my plan slightly.
i'll hitch from here to oshawa, through peterborough. then i'll take the go train (i'll hop it) from oshawa to toronto, then again from toronto to waterloo.
that will either get me to waterloo at 6:45 or 7:45 tomorrow night. i'll stay there for the night, check the town out.
waterloo's somewhere i've been thinking about checking out for years and years.
i can then hitch from there up to windsor.
(on tuesday morning)
meaning i'll be there tuesday afternoon.
i should have wifi access in waterloo, and maybe on the go train.
you'll go through waterloo on your way to windsor, so if shit hits the fan we can meet there.
that also means i need to be up early, so no open mic tonight for me.
ESA
lol ok cool. :D
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)