music is the best medicine for depression. it's almost magic, really.

i'm ok. no, really. i am. i've had a long time to think about this. i was just overwhelmed for a moment, there.

it's mostly a coincidence that i'm skipping town almost exactly as my dad has given up. he fought as hard as he could. the truth is he never really had a chance. almost nobody survives brain cancer.

he stopped taking his meds last week, by conscious choice. the treatment was just overwhelming. over the last few hours, the paralysis has spread from his left side (the tumour is on the right side of his brain) to both sides of his body. he's likely to lose control of his face muscles while i'm gone this week, rendering him unable to speak, and possibly slip into a coma or die.

there's nothing of value that can be accomplished by me staying here this week and watching him die. all that can do is fuck me up. i could speak of many things right now regarding the nature of death, but the reality is that i do not believe any of them, nor do i believe they are of any consequence to a dead person. there is nothing at all of any consequence to a dead person, not even the fact that they are dead. i may wish it to come as painlessly as possible, but i know better. it's not even physical, but mental. yet, his mental state over the next few days is a temporary reality that only he has any real understanding of, and will not matter at all to any existing conscious being once he has passed.

such a state is devastating to contemplate. it's such an awful, gruesome way to die. seizures, treatment, surgery; slow paralysis, loss of speech, coma. i can only imagine the kind of fear that sets in as you slowly lose control of your ability to control your own muscles, as death slowly consumes your body. it must be like being eaten alive.

in truth, i don't want to imagine this kind of fear, especially in the mind of such a loved one. i want to move forwards.

we say goodbye to each other all of the time. it's reflexive. routine. meaningless, really.

sometimes the word actually means something. i couldn't handle saying it. i waited. that pause felt much longer than it was.

he said it first; a reflexive response. but it set me right off...

i'm ok. no, really, i am. the crying helped. but i think the music helped more.

not right this minute, please

ESA
ok I'm getting kinda stressed now.

Jessica Amber Murray
stressed about what, exactly? wait, don't answer. i'm really fucked up right now. want to think, not talk. talking's a bad idea.

ESA
what happun ?

mackaye still hasn't gotten back to me.

Jessica Amber Murray
i just had a very dramatic phone conversation with my dad. his left side has been paralyzed for a while. he just lost his right side. and he's afraid he's gone to lose his voice soon. it was the permanence of the word "bye" that set me off. the moment of silence that came before it, because i didn't want to say it. i'll be ok. this has been going on for two years. it's been a process. i'm at peace. i just need to cry a bit. and think a bit. not much use for planning for the night. sorry.

ESA
i'm so sorry Jess. :(

Let me know if you need to talk ever.

hazy afternoon. lying in bed. daydreaming. digging some feedback.

the plan

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm going to modify my plan slightly.

i'll hitch from here to oshawa, through peterborough. then i'll take the go train (i'll hop it) from oshawa to toronto, then again from toronto to waterloo.

that will either get me to waterloo at 6:45 or 7:45 tomorrow night. i'll stay there for the night, check the town out.

waterloo's somewhere i've been thinking about checking out for years and years.

i can then hitch from there up to windsor.

(on tuesday morning)

meaning i'll be there tuesday afternoon.

i should have wifi access in waterloo, and maybe on the go train.

you'll go through waterloo on your way to windsor, so if shit hits the fan we can meet there.

that also means i need to be up early, so no open mic tonight for me.

ESA
lol ok cool. :D

contacting some wobblies in windsor

ESA
i haven't heard back from mackaye

maybe we should look into other arrrangements

like hostel or something

he'll probably get back to me. I'm just confused as to why its taking so long.

Anyways, gotta run!!!

Jessica Amber Murray
i think hostels are ok for walk-in, and i can claim the cash, but a hostel room is kind of bad for three people. i have $479 to play with. we're only going to be there a few days. i could conceivably get a cheap motel and then claim it. also, i'm ok, personally, with park sleeping. i've done it before.

....but calling ahead is likely unnecessary or even impossible.

ESA
It's not preferable to sleep in a park, because Windsor is all stabby

but i'l do it.

lol

Jessica Amber Murray
hrmmn. well, like i say, the motel option is available. i'd have to split and then pay back the claim, though.

ESA
k np np

well.

hmm. i'll figure something out.

late night drinking to further plan the escape from ottawa

ESA
ok i'm sorry

it took longr

couldn't find my bike key

and then i sold 2 CDs

i'm sorry!!!

Jessica Amber Murray
like i was waiting here with a stopwatch, right. do you want to chill still or is too late?

ESA
deepends.

ok.

YES

uhm

well for a bit.

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, so i shouldn't bring 6 rockstars then. that might tempt you. is it just the church tomorrow?

ESA
I wont drink that much

plus the church is a BREEZE

I can poop out church music

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i won't drink that much either. ok. i'll be there in a few minutes.

ESA
sweet candy of the gods

this is what i'm playing tomorrow

this is how i know i can be up tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWQEUzOACm4

a reconsideration

Jessica Amber Murray
sorry. long. ok, i went for a smoke and ordered things and this extra bit of information makes me less upset. although more confused. a few days ago you were all like "fuck illuminous, we're hitching.". so i planned around that. now apparently your mom planned your trip for you, and it means busing with illuminous. these are details that are not even my business, really. i'll state the obvious: it's your choice. if you want to bus with illuminous, bus with illuminous. if you want to hitch with me, hitch with me. i guess i'll clarify that by acknowledging that illuminous is interested in you in a way that i'm not. and i guess a lot of your decision is going to rest on how you feel about that. ...but now that i know you're going with illuminous, i feel less tossed aside. hitching in threes isn't possible. i kind of assumed you told him you were going without him, because that's the impression i got from previous conversations. maybe i should apologize for jumping to that conclusion. regardless, i don't think i want to live with illuminous at all. "as long as you're quiet so i can get up to go to work" is like NO. he's always talking about how he can't find good roommates. i don't want to deal with that. so, it's sort of like if you're going with illuminous then i'm getting my own place. and i'm going for my own reasons. yes, you sparked something in my mind, but it's all on my own goals and interests here: a cheap place to record, an opportunity to organize the unemployed, a way to exist around the labour-capital relationship. things are better with a friend or two than alone, but it's sort of secondary.

ESA
Yes. I agree with all these things. I wasn't really sure what to do before. I hadn't told illuminous that I was bussing until last night. and he asked me if he could come. I was kind of sick of waiting around to figure things out. And I guess I didn't want illuminous to feel excluded. I thought you didn't mind/ wanted to go on your own. I sort of felt like an un-experienced hitch - hiker tag along. And I also don't want to live with illuminous for that reason, along with others. And he didn't have priority over you, because he is apparently interested in me.

And he had to ASK me if he could come with me to Windsor, and I was like "WTF illuminous DO WHAT U WANT. AHH"

because I'm independent too. I dunno, I'm generally horrible at knowing what to do. I always seem to do the wrong thing, or don't think things through entirely. :(

Jessica Amber Murray
*shrug*. at this point, i don't feel thrown under the bus anymore, so don't let my feelings sway how you decide to get there. i'm sorry for overreacting.

ESA
DITTO.

So many things to figure out!

Jessica Amber Murray
well, it seems like you had a reasonable plan before i shat all over it.

ESA
uhm wut? you didn't shit all over it. the plan was to go on Monday to scout out apartments. The how, or when or whateva was not quite determined. I need to get my mom to stop meddling. She keeps over-compensating for her lack of involvement in earlier years, but now its a bit controlling. Like I'm too much of an idiot to make my own plans.

I was like "mom didn't I ever tell you about how I can't die? No matter what you do or don't do, I'll be fine. Don't worryaboutit"

Also I appreciate how you take initiative with shit.

Jessica Amber Murray
are you trying to tell me you're a vampire?

ESA
That sounds kind of

No, I'm not a vampire.

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, cause vampires are already dead.

ESA
I'm just immortal.

Plain old immortal

Jessica Amber Murray
i used to think that, too.

i feel i'm meddling, too. just let me know what you're doing. i'll wait until monday.

ESA
and then what happened?!?!?!?!?!

You're the vampire!

YOU DIED?

??!?!?!!?

Jessica Amber Murray
i had a few experiences that allowed me to recognize my mortality.

ESA
What? Like death?

Jessica Amber Murray
near death. which could be interpreted either way. like, didn't die, right. this gets trippy, and is better discussed in person, over drinks.

ESA
oh jeez.

oh btw

Jessica Amber Murray
i've been through intense schizophrenic episodes where i've been convinced i was the next coming of jesus, where it seems real beyond more than a thought. i've had a jesus complex since i was a kid. my first handful of demoes were released under the name 'inri'. so, yeah. just thought you should know that. might come back, especially if i'm organizing the poor in windsor.

btw what?

ESA
You need to tell me more.

Because I think I had the same thing. Was convinced I was possessed by the devil

Jessica Amber Murray
more about?

ESA
but later.

anyways Mr. Playah is totes all over my fine pussay

He waited the appropriate 3 days. and then sent me a FB message almost on cue.

I STILL GOTZ IT.

Ok this conversation is disgusting. I apologize. This is the third apology.

Jessica Amber Murray
i think i'm just schizophrenic.

ESA
You could be bi-polar. that is extremely common with bi-polar patients

the jesus complex stuff and the possessed by the devil stuff.

Jessica Amber Murray
naw, don't feel bad, i feel perfectly comfortable talking about this if you do.

whichever it is, it's not dangerous, but it can definitely be offsetting for people. i guess if you have something similar, it won't be so strange for you.

ESA
As long as you can handle night terrors. if you ever see me sleep

which you probably will next week.

Jessica Amber Murray
we'll find out.

ESA
Thursday I woke up

barfed a bit. Hung out on my bed. and my living room was littered with 9 condoms.

bahhhhh ok sorry again. LOL it was too funny.

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, i think i'm glad i got out before that happened. i don't remember the night clearly, but i do remember that when i came to (i was half passed out on your couch) playa was a little sorry to see me leave. and i would not have responded well to an orgy erupting... btw, if we do end up living together, orgies are not something that are going to bug me so long as i can quietly disappear and not be harangued about it.

ESA
playa was sorry to see you leave ?

Because he didn't want to be alone with lenin and I

He was so incredibly weird to lenin

He thought lenin had some sort of weird ownership over me.

and then we mused about a threesome, but that as usual failed.

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i distinctly remember an "aww...don't leave". i don't know how long we were talking for out there when you were in the other room with lenin.

ESA
LOL

That was pretty awful. But I always need lenin times.

we talked about a threesome for a long while.

Had them almost convinced.

playa was more down than lenin. But only because lenin was tired

lenin is always tired at 4 in the morning. Asshole.

Jessica Amber Murray
do you think you could have got 'em on to each other?

ESA
YES

actually no.

I think lenin is like 99.9999 % straight

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, lenin strikes me as remarkably straight, too. you're not going to sleep are, you. i'm going to hop in the shower...

ESA
Nope I am like super giggly and wide awake.

Jessica Amber Murray
you know, i was thinking of maybe going to the lookout tonight and was going to ask to borrow some shoes. all my nice shoes are in storage. i wasn't planning on being here for two years.

ESA
what size are your feet

Jessica Amber Murray
absurdly small. i'm not sure exactly.

ESA
oh shit. my feet are definitely absurdly large

Jessica Amber Murray
damn. it's weird, though. i'm so like anti-sex and everything. but i've been wearing these little shorts all week and have been noticing guy after guy get worked up over it. i guess i've never really experience that before. this is sort of my first summer more or less post-transition (it'll be three years in september), and the first time i've really been comfortable showing a little skin. and noticing that all these guys are getting worked up is sort of working me up

ESA
LOL AMAZING

Jessica Amber Murray
i can't go in sneakers, though.

ok shower.

ESA
are we hanging out?

or are you going to the lookout ?

Jessica Amber Murray
that was a very long shower, just got out. didn't even shave. not going to the lookout, interested in hanging out.

ESA
theres some sort of gathering happening at the Art & Soul Gallery

and they always give me free beer

plus i need to pick up CDs

Jessica Amber Murray
where's the gallery?

ESA
Parkale and Wellington

Jessica Amber Murray
ok. well, i have some rockstars. i have some readying to do still, could be done in about 20 minutes...

ESA
shit ok

hmmm

they said they're leaving at 11.

I'd better go now.

I only want to hang out until midnight at the latest.

because i have another big performance day.

Jessica Amber Murray
k, you just go then, i'll see you later.

ESA
k i'll be like 10 minutes.

i don't want to hang out with racist hipies.

Jessica Amber Murray
ok. txt me when you get back.

geez, i wonder if it's sarah's birthday party :o

thrown under the bus

ESA
hey

going to Windsor on the bus at 7pm

mondayu

arriving in Windsor at 5:30 am on Tuesday

Jessica Amber Murray
alright. remind not to plan anything with you again. i'll probably hitch tomorrow, not sure i want to meet up.

ESA
TOMORROW?

we said Monday anyways

You didn't seem like you wanted me to tie you down anyways.

are you fucking kidding?

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i don't want to take the bus. you could have told me this last week. i would have left already. whatever.

ESA
wtf.

thanks for letting me know that. Didn't know you were waiting around for me. Jesus.

You didn't tell me your plan. Guess I'm not the one who is bad at planning.

I didn't know that you wanted to/ were comfortable going there yourself. Or maybe I thought it was a friend thing. I dunno. I'm hearing like a bajillion different things from different people and I can't keep track.

Whatever. I don't need to justify myself. If you don't want to meet up, and you're mad at me, then you can just add yourself to the list. I don't fucking care.

Jessica Amber Murray
it was absolutely a friend thing, but i told you i can't afford / don't want to pay for the bus. you buying a ticket means i'm hitching, because i can't/won't pay for it. i'm mildly irked for being planned around, but i'm more irked about you making plans with me and then at the last minute ditching me. and as mentioned i could be there right now and have already rented something by now.

ESA
ugh sorry. I'm all confused. Im super stressed about my landlord.

and also fucking shows all over the place

come over for wine later if you want. and don't be mad at me. i'm sorry

Also my mother basically made the plan for me. And she is confusing.

whatevah doesn't matter. that just sounds super sad and pathetic.

I played last night at the mercury lounge. and this morning from 9 to 12. I got like one hour of sleep and got home and read your message. So also sorry for being defensive.

Jessica Amber Murray
you're going to do what you want, and you have no responsibility to listen to me at all. i hope you enjoy your bus ride. but i do feel mildly betrayed, and i don't forget things. i'll have my laptop there. we can maybe meet up. but i think i'm exclusively interested in finding my own space right now. past actions imply future ones and whatnot.

ESA
Wow. You're the least forgiving person ever. and you don't care about my stress level/ or all the other stuff I've been trying to figure out. I am way busier than you, and very scatter brained. Good. Past actions imply future ones. I apologized. The decent thing is to try to work past it, and not write people off.

HA. That means our friendship is over.

Good on ya! I'm going to sleep.

I'm not saying our friendship is over, but if you think you can never forgive me, then it is.

I'm going to sleep. If you want to talk about it later, I'm available. If not, I don't know what to do.

Jessica Amber Murray
get some rest, erin. i'm just not excited about living arrangements with somebody that is willing to, and apologies for an untimely metaphor, but throw me under the bus on a whim. that doesn't mean we can't have a few drinks together if we're both in the same area.

i have rockstars for later, but i'm sleepy too and need a short nap. and very unshowered. text me when you get up?

ESA
you don't know me at all apparently.

You could work on being more clear.

You're assuming that I meant to ditch you. Like I had malicious intent.

I don't really want to live with insensitive people.

Trying to leave that shit in Ottawa.

Or at least people who use extremely intense metaphors describing a mistake I made.

When you clearly stated that you would even prefer to hitchhike alone, because you'd get there faster.

I told my mom I was hitch hiking, and she offered to lend me 84 dollars for a bus ticket.

goodnight

I can't express myself. This is all too upsetting.

Especially that you're even coming to Windsor in the first place. That's the most perturbing of all.

Jessica Amber Murray
i've only known you for a few months, it would be remarkable if i *did* know you at all. but, i don't really want to argue about this. you've decided to take the bus. that's your choice. that's fine.

ESA
ha.

I guess we have reached some sort of an impasse.

Jessica Amber Murray
well, you could still hitch with me instead of take the bus by yourself, but i don't want to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do, either.

ESA
illuminous is coming with me.

But you didn't even think about him. That was all on me to figure out.

Jessica Amber Murray
well, he's following you down there because he's in love with you, so it's your responsibility to figure that out.

that's fine, things will likely work out better that way.

ESA
Whatever I hope that's not true.

Jessica Amber Murray
you're right, he's going for the job opportunities. i don't even know if i'm going to like windsor. i may end up in waterloo or st. catharines.

ESA
did you get my last message?

You would have liked it a lot. I realized it didn't send.

I was like "Ok, you're maybe a bit right."

and also "lollll about the job opportunities"

And I will have a chit chat with Sir A.

Jessica Amber Murray
*runs around in circles bashing head on multiple walls*

ESA
LOL.

Oh god I'm laughing too hard now. ugh lack of sleep. I'm fucking high

Jessica Amber Murray
go to sleep!

ESA
I have to wait until my eyes are closing or else i'll get all spinny and paranoid

account info

from: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com> 
To: stepmother's email address

account #: *********************
branch no: *****
institution no: ***  (scotiabank)
swift code: *******

they said there would be a charge if you tried to use a different bank, but not if you did it by walking into scotiabank.

j

how i learned to live with the tornado

ESA
should I be concerned about this tornade watch thing ?

Jessica Amber Murray
yes.

ESA
what do I do ? ? ?

Jessica Amber Murray

i'm not sure exactly, but it should involve working yourself into a paranoid rage somehow about something you have absolutely no control over.

ESA
...

thanks.

PARANOID RAGE CANNONS.

absolutely leaving on monday, definitely. maybe.

ESA
so we're still leaving Monday/

i literally don't have any moneyz

now I don't have a choice but to hitch

whats the best time to go ?

Jessica Amber Murray
whenever, really. makes no difference to me. well, it's probably more tactical to leave early if we want to get there in one day.

ESA
k lets leave at 7am

Jessica Amber Murray
woah. k.

ESA
yesterday i went to bed at 6pm and slept until now

so i feel q

so guilty.

Jessica Amber Murray
i assume you meant am. feel q? i actually need to get some shit in order today. if we walk up to tunney's we can get on the back of the 97 and hitch from outside stittsville. take the 7 as far as we can, then get down to the 401.

ESA
lol no. i meant 6pm.

Jessica Amber Murray
i was talking to you at like 8:00 and you said you were going to asylum. whatever, not important. have you resubleted? is illuminous hitching as well?

ESA
I'm not gonna keep waiting around for him to decide what he wants to do on Monday. Ok I can feel myself getting pissy. Time to eat.

He doesn't seem to be very proactive. and that pisses me off a little bit.

I don't know what illuminouss is doing.

according to FB

i also got up at like 9:50

and then i got up.

oh i was taking a nap

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, well..we'll talk before monday morning.

ESA
k

i think my perspective is slightly different than the people that i'm going with. i've been thinking about this for a few days and am going to try and articulate what *i'm* thinking and why *i'm* going.

i was reading up a little this morning on the idea of a temporary autonomous zone, which is a concept that developed out of the post-left critique of traditional anarchist thinking. it seems to be the idea that the occupy movement was conceptualized around. whilst living within everything that's around us, and the apparent hopelessness of fighting against a system that protects itself with drone strikes and riot police, is there a way to carve out a small space that allows for the experience of real freedom?

southern ontario is a bubble that's developing in the collapse of industrial civilization. from the perspective of a factory worker with a family to feed, this is a catastrophe. from the perspective of an artist that rejects the concept of wage labour, it's an opportunity to grasp upon. i want to walk in to this vacuum, this growing autonomous region, and help build an entirely different way to exist.

so, i'm in the process of blowing my life up and starting over somewhere else.

i'm moving to somewhere in southern ontario super soon. august 1st, maybe. i'm hitching out of town on monday with some friends to check out places in windsor, but i haven't entirely committed to moving precisely there yet. to start off with, i've never even been there before. seems a little impulsive to make that choice without visiting first, and i'm not a really impulsive person.

other possible destinations are niagara and waterloo.

why? the simple reason is that the cost of living in these places is drastically lower. i don't particularly want to leave ottawa for a small town, my preference would be for a larger city, but it's clear at this point that i cannot live the lifestyle i want to live in a city that is this expensive.

two of these places have other advantages. windsor is very close to the music scene in detroit; waterloo has a university i've always wanted to hang out at (and train access into toronto). niagara appears to be the cheapest of the three.

staying in for the night, but why am i getting tracers?

ESA
are you going to asylum tonihgtÉ

É

Jessica Amber Murray
that accent acute is a little unnecessary.

i think i need a jessica night.

ESA
my keyboard switched to French. its supposed to be a question mark. yeah, I don't want to either, but I promised dylan.

Jessica Amber Murray
i'm actually a little weirded out about not remembering how we got home last night. did we walk? cab?

ESA
half walked, and then cabbed

wow, I didnèt know you werrethat drunk

Jessica Amber Murray
i'm a little concerned i wasn't drunk. did i pay at all?

ESA
no I think playa payed

Jessica Amber Murray
my knees are really weirdly wobbly today. i've been randomly dizzy. i'm getting mushroom trip like reality swirls.

i left my drink out a few times.

i should be more careful with that.

ESA
hangover!

i feel a little weird too

Jessica Amber Murray
it's not normal hangover stuff, though. my knees don't normally get like this, that's for sure.

ESA
sshitttt

fuck i don't want to go to the asylum...

but i need to say bye to dylan.

Jessica Amber Murray
then don't go. he can't be leaving tonight. invite him over for coffee tomorrow.

ESA
yeah but still hell be mad if i don't go.

what happened

ESA
JESSS

MY HEAD IS MELTING

OW.

Jessica Amber Murray
hungover? i find caffeinated pop works the best, despite it being exactly the opposite of what science claims in the matter.

just tell me if you're coming or not so i can plan.

ESA
coming where?

Jessica Amber Murray
greely.

ESA
I think i'm too gross

Jessica Amber Murray
s'all good, no pressure.

ESA
can we do it on a not-so-hungover day?

Jessica Amber Murray
sure. they're always home, they need very little notice.

ESA
ugh the subletter guy bailed.

Jessica Amber Murray
fuck. well, you've got like 800 other people.

ESA
yeah but he was kewl

I forgot about my uke lesson

slept in until like 230

Jessica Amber Murray
you forgot your doctor's appointment too, i guess. maybe you can use that as an argument.

ESA
OH SHIT. yeah I forgot that. fuck

fuck. going to mac's milk is the hardest thing in the world right now.

Jessica Amber Murray
just yell out the window. ooh! you should set up one of those tin can telephones with the store and put a pulley system on it.

ESA
yeah

fuckit. I look like shit.

and whenever I leave I see so fucking many people I know

its so annoying

Jessica Amber Murray
are you coercing me to buy you pop and bring it up?

ESA
no.

hahahha no

I can do that myself.

BTW

ALMOST THREESOME

LAST NIGHT

They keep failing through though. I'm very mad about that.

Jessica Amber Murray
so, it was, like, sequential sex, then? i can't even handle sex with one person, a threesome would probably make me vomit out of self-conscious fear.

ESA
hahaha

buaahahahahaha

well. no. I tried very harrd to make it happen

and lenin was down, but then he was not down.

Jessica Amber Murray
so, no sex at all? geez, i was excited for a second.

ESA
what do you mean no sex?

OF COURSE THERE WAS SEX

haha

hahahabuahaha

a true lady does not kiss and tell

Except I think I already did.

Jessica Amber Murray
that other guy you brought home seemed like the type, but i'm not sure i could really imagine lenin having sex.

ESA
haha. seemed like the type ?

the sex type?

Its so funny, he was like in love with me when I was 19

he was so excited and disbelievgin the whole time.

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah, seemed kinda playery.

ESA
I like worship sex. its kinda my favorite.

yeah I dunno if he's player now. He didn't used to be. he was such a dweeb.

Jessica Amber Murray
i just can't do it. it's almost impossible to explain. like, when i have sex dreams, i have a vagina and it involves insertion. it's real in the dream state. i just don't know how the fuck to use a penis. so when i was having sex when i was younger i'd basically just sit there and watch, i'd totally disassociate. anyways, i'm glad you got laid. high five.

ESA
wooohhh

you should get a strap on vagina

I guess its not the same.

lololol

Jessica Amber Murray
not at all. it makes dating and one night stands and everything else such a dead end, though, that i don't bother. about the only way i know how to pleasure somebody is with my fingers and mouth.

ESA
well then.

most people don't know what they're doing with their dinkie anyways

so its basically useless.

and yeah I also made up a new word

Jessica Amber Murray
what's the new word?

ESA
dinkie

likes like winky. except not.

Jessica Amber Murray
dinkie is definitely not a new word, it's what i called it when i was a kid.

ESA
that's winkie!

are you sure? oh well whateva

Jessica Amber Murray
absolutely sure. because my mom thought dinkie was cute and dink was crude, so that was the permitted official terminology.

ESA
LOL

consequences

Jessica Amber Murray
i was legit drunk last night. i vaguely remember hanging out in the park, and i remember realizing i was drunk and going home, but i don't remember how we got from the hostel back to hintonburg. as expected, breakfast this morning got cancelled. i rescheduled for supper, which means going to their place. we can likely get a ride from south keys to findley creek, but it's bussing to there. no pressure. but let me know if you do or do not want to go. (time is not really set, whenever, i'll call them back)

(drunk because no caffeine.)

i remember some drunk young lady falling all over me outside the women's washroom, and her eventually saying "have a good night, lovely" and me thinking lovely was a weird thing to call somebody. and you and etan stealing my drink. and other scattered things. but that's why i need rockstar.

ESA
lol. wtf. I was sooo wasted to.

more planning

Jessica Amber Murray
1) odsp should cover at least some of the costs of moving. it's 'discretionary'. i need to get more info on maximum amounts and how to ensure it gets covered, but i think we can rely on this for at least half.
2) my parents have some kind of voucher at sears that they're giving me. i'd like to take a run through street corners first, but whatever we can't find we should be able to grab there for free.
3) my step-mother and i had the money talk today about my dad dying. he's really concerned that i'm losing a fall-back system, and she's promised him she'll take on that responsibility. we talked about it and decided the best option is a monthly deposit into my account, which should be around $400 for starters. so, yeah, i guess i'm sort of bourgy too :P

also, they want to meet you. which is sort of reasonable given that we're kind of running away. you're invited for breakfast tomorrow morning at south keys at 10:00 (i'm going to call at 9:00). however, i TOTALLY understand why that's creepy and weird, and there's absolutely ZERO pressure to come if you don't want to.

ESA
I have a dr's apt at Carleton at 11. so I can't make it

also, I love how you call me bourgy even though I get no monetary support from my parents

my dad also said that if I move to Windsor, he will never bail me out, or help me move or support me with anything ever again

LOL. I will totally come meet your parents, but they will NOT like me at 10 in the morning.

Also, a moving van looks to be about 700 hundred

i dunno how i can get that kinda cash without selling BJs on the street

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. that's the uhaul price. the van itself is not so much, but they charge by the kilometre. i'll call odsp tomorrow and see if they'll front it. also, what i'm hoping is if we look around a bit we can find somebody that will just rent us the van, flat fee, no questions about where it's going. if we can find that, it could be less than $100.

ESA
ooh

dunno how to find that though

Jessica Amber Murray
i don't either, i'm just hoping it exists.

if not...even if odsp only gives me like $400 or something, that's $150 each to pay. i could front that for you.

(and fwiw i totally know what it's like to have parents with money that won't give you any. mine have really turned on a dime - they've been brutal the last five years or so. i think my dad dying has really changed my stepmother's attitude towards life. i'll stop teasing you about that.)

ESA
yeah. well my dad is kinda weird about it. and my mom doesn't have any now that she's a minister

she makes like 1200 bucks a month

or something ridiculous like that

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. my step-mom's a pretty big boss at the canadian blood services. she oversees the bone marrow transfusion division or something. works from home, even. my dad was a middle manager at the corporate tax division for the provincial government. he oversaw a team that went after businesses that didn't pay their taxes. together, they made over 200,000/year. but, when i got evicted two years ago they told me to hit the curb. i occupied their back yard and got dragged out by the cops. this recent turn of events is highly unexpected.

ESA
woahhhhhh crazy

similar situation with me

do you want fire tonight ? ?

it might be too hot.

Jessica Amber Murray
i think i don't want to venture too far or drink too much tonight. i just listed a bunch of grievances against my parents, but it was really just my step-mom that completely vetoed my dad, who wanted to let me stay, etc. this little bit of dad time is sort of important to me.

is anybody else up for fire? i could maybe stop by for a few beers later, if there's still some left.

buuuuut....do we want to throw a going away party? been thinking about that a bit.

ESA
I dunno

i'm not throwing my own. that's tacky.

illuminous is up for a fire.

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i sort of think i'd rather stay in the area, but i think i'm up for hanging out one way or the other. how much beer is left?

(is a run necessary?)

ESA
oh theres none left. lol

illuminous wants fire

I want that or jail hoste l

Jessica Amber Murray
what's at jail hostel?

open mic?

fuck, i should do an open mic before i leave, just to confuse people.

ESA
well we can do it later

ugh stupid beer stores.

close so early.

Jessica Amber Murray
yeah. well, let me know what's happening, i guess. my vote is bike down to the grocery store and split a bottle of wine in the near vicinity, but i'll accept the democratic process.

ESA
fire!

well. the grocery store is near fire.

but I dunno.

we can also drink wine in secret at the hostel

I don't have a preference

Jessica Amber Murray
i'm going to vote hostel over fire. less bugs. and i think fires are better with more people.

ESA
ok

Jessica Amber Murray
are there usually amps at the hostel? the lack of dots on this classical makes playing what i want to play frustrating.

ESA
yeah

fsho.

you can use tape.

k i'll go to the hostel.

but I don't have money for beerz

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm going to need to clean myself up first. i don't want to buy beer there either. can we do this: you bike to the store, get wine, i'll pay you half when we meet. that will give me time to clean. then bike to hostel. ?.

ESA
i'm not going anywhere

but like maybe

we can make it to the lcbo in itme?

but fuckit. i'll probably find beer there .

its pretty cheap

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, let me get ready super quick - 20 minutes - and meet me outside my building at 9:30 and we'll talk?

ESA
ughmm

well i'm gonna get ready

make myself not look like crap

Jessica Amber Murray
k. ready. meet where?

ESA
etan is meeting me here at 930

Jessica Amber Murray
k. i'll be there close to that.

planning

ESA
can you set up a few viewings?

like 3?

and i'll set up 3 ?

Jessica Amber Murray
i can try early in the morning, but i'm going to be gone all day tomorrow. send me numbers/schedule?

did you talk to the rentiers about just walking out of the lease?

request

From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: sister’s email address

so i should explain what's going on.

i'm moving to windsor with the redhead lead singer in this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6Jw-KqY6HE

we're just friends, by mutual declaration. for now.

why windsor? because rent is half the price. we can probably get a 2-bdr apartment for around $500. yeah. c-h-e-p. cheap.

windsor is also on the edge of one of the prime examples of the collapse of industrial civilization: detroit. windsor itself is pretty hopeless. in this vacuum of collapse comes an opportunity to try to build a better society that is free of the constraints of the existing one. that's the mandate of an artist.

she's going on odsp herself as well. and, as mentioned, she's a musician too. so the plan is to find somewhere to set up a studio, drink our faces off, record music all day, help advance the revolution and eat lots of spaghetti at 5:00 am in our spare time.

:)

getting there, though, requires somebody to drive us. you like road trips. we're not sure yet if it's august or september, but would you be willing to drive us from ottawa to windsor and then drive back?

moving expenses through odsp are discretionary, but i think i should be able to claim most of it. i just hope i can find somewhere that will rent us a big van for a flat rate rather than by the kilometre. otherwise, driving home is going to be expensive.

j

different trains

ESA
ok so trains are on sale

Jessica Amber Murray
how much would it cost?

ESA
82 bucks there and back

but we need to book it in advance a bit

Jessica Amber Murray
i don't want to pay 82 bucks. but i don't want to enforce my lack of desire to pay for transportation on you either. you guys train if you want. i'll hitch and meet you there.

ESA
haha

well i want to hitch

but 82 bucks is ridonculously cheap for two ways

Jessica Amber Murray
it might be, but it's still 82 dollars i didn't budget for and i can't really part with.

if only there were still box cars we could hitch on...

wait. my gst is late. i won't know anything about it until friday. when would you have to book by?

ESA
yeah the only thing is illuminous.

I want to hitch with you

and not illuminous. because illuminous doesn't know anything and like. its hard to hitch with 3 people

Jessica Amber Murray
it is definitely hard to hitch with 3 people. it would almost certainly have to be done by splitting and meeting. and if you/illuminous doesn't seem like a good idea, and neither of you want to hitch alone, it's an impossible task.

ESA
yea. so I might just ditch him

because I don't have the money really either

i'm not spending 84 dollars out of my 180 that I have on bus fare

Jessica Amber Murray
i was going to ask if he was sure he's coming. i'm not sure ditching him is necessary. moving to windsor for employment opportunities really isn't a good idea.

ESA
yeah

can you ask him ?

Jessica Amber Murray
i'm not really sure how to approach this either. let me think about it.

i was thinking earlier today that another way out of this may be to try and convince illuminous to invite milo. not his roomate milo. a different milo that was involved in occupy. she's also odsp. moving to windsor would make sense for her, too.

ESA
hmmm ok

Jessica Amber Murray
milo is also transgendered. she and illuminous had some kind of fling, the details of which i'm not aware of. she's living in horrible conditions in vanier, always broke - same boat we're in. i don't know if she'd be interested. it solves a few problems. four people for the house, too. (i'm sort of assuming etan can't come)

ESA
well etan will come. it just depends on when. we haven't talked since he got back

is milo cool ? can you get her to add me ?

I don't see her when I search her name. I still haven't met her.

Jessica Amber Murray
milo's a bit of a private person, i doubt she'd add you without knowing her. you can try chatting with her though and seeing what happens. i decided a while back to block her temporarily and we haven't spoken since. i don't *think* that would be a problem.

full disclosure: illuminous was mildly hitting on me for a bit as well. for quite a while. i didn't spend nearly as much time with him 1-1 as you have, in fact i tried to avoid that, and he got the disinterested message clearly. we're ok. milo and i were mutually mildly interested in each other for a while. well, we're both transgendered and ended up in the same group of friends, so that's a natural thing. but i think it's blatantly obvious to both of us that we don't have much in common besides that.

bottom line: love squares are better than love triangles. in triangles, somebody always gets hurt. squares at least allow for somebody to talk to. that's a big part of what i'm thinking, too.

ESA
lol I dunno if love squares are better

just means theres more of a chance for someone to get hurt by someone else

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i think with triangles somebody will always get hurt. i honestly don't think you, illuminous and i are stable. the presence of that fourth person is perhaps a complicating factor, but it's also a mitigating one. i'm not really convinced milo would want to go, anyways. just a thought.

actually, maybe don't text milo yet? let me think about ways to bring up the job thing.

'cause even if milo wants to come, bringing illuminous to a life of unwanted unemployment in windsor is probably not in his best interests. and if he's not able to get on odsp, it's not in ours either (you couldn't even live comfortably on welfare in a place as cheap as windsor).

ESA
lets find a place me and you

a super cheap one

Jessica Amber Murray
i kind of think that would be my preferred outcome, too.

ESA
yah.

shared observations on the queerness of existence

ESA
bahah my dad is so funny.

i was explaining to him what being transgendered is and he didn't get it, but now he does.

hes basically the funniest ever :)

Jessica Amber Murray
i don't think i get it half the time, either.

ESA
hes like so working class dad

but then when you explain shit to him he's all "whateva floats yer boat" and totally cool with everything except for churchy lesbians in their 50s.

He draws a line at their kind.

Jessica Amber Murray
my mom left my dad for a woman as well. her name was ******. i was young - 3. they broke up when i was around 6, and she got married a second time (i have a half sister). but she was a philosophy student at the time. taught me more than anybody i've ever met.

my dad's thrown out some weird comments regarding it over the years.

never *really* got over it...

this address

From: Jessica Murray <death.to.koalas@gmail.com>
To: stepmother's first address
Cc: stepmother's second address

this is the right one.

j

a drop to indie city madness (ckcu)

hey. just letting you know i exist in this city. may be a little too abstract for you. you get to decide.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/proverbs

lots more music at the site.

a negotiation for the delivery of regifted fancy mustard

Jessica Amber Murray
you awake?

i snagged a condiment for you, but i left it in the other pocket: smokin' stampede fume mayo sandwich spread! mild. pc. want it?

ESA
lol i had that in my fridge? didn't even know

Jessica Amber Murray
no, i picked it up at the food bank but forgot to take it out of my bag. do you want it?

ESA
not if you do

Jessica Amber Murray
well, i suspect you may appreciate it more than i, so if you'd like it it's yours.

ok, i'm late, if you want it i'll bring it later.

ESA
lol don't matta to me

see u later

beer accounting....

Jessica Amber Murray
beer accounting.....

price of beer:
price/quantity = 30/24 = 1.25

me - 6.5*1.25= 8.125
you - 5*1.25 = 6.25
illuminous - 2.5*1.25 = 3.125

i'll presume illuminous did not pay. s'ok. $3. let's split it.

3.125/2 = 1.5625
me - 8.25 + 1.5625 = 9.8125
you - 7.8125

there should be 24 - (6.5+5+2.5) = 10 beers left. 10*1.25 = 12.5.

under the assumption that you purchased those ten beers, you should have given me: 12.5 + 7.8125 = 20.3125. so, it actually worked out almost perfectly. i owe you 31.25 cents :P

ESA
hahaha awesome :D

it's times like this when i really need a palette. i love my guitar, but it's just not sufficient. an idea, but not a concept. a feeling, but not an expression. a scream, but not an explanation. a release, but not a resolution.

a statement out of context.

i write things out the old fashioned way sometimes, but it's a cerebral process. it's not a cathartic one.

poetry even seems more worthwhile, and while i'm a wordsmith i'm definitely not a poet. if i was better with words, i could use them to describe the emotions i want to describe with clashes of sound. poetry, though, is inherently linear. i want to write the lines on top of each other and have them read and understood simultaneously.

a painting couldn't do that, either. not that it matters. complicated objects are also understood linearly, sequentially. you can't process all of the interpretations of a painting at once. you have to collapse that waveform.

only complex sounds can sufficiently express all of the subtleties of a complex emotion by getting across all of it's different aspects, and all the interference patterns.

demo #17: suicide

in completing this track, i have now filled up both sides of a 100-minute tape and have therefore completed my first demo. as mentioned last week, the topic of the final track is suicide - following the character that felt unheard.

i guess that the character must have committed suicide in a wave of hopelessness, but i've kept a distance from the character and instead decided to insult it for being defeatist. the song is meant to broadcast a type of dark humour that people will either appreciate or condemn.

like the last track, this track was written out in the old house and slowly appended to until i felt it was complete. i even had the piano part notated, properly, in my notes. recording the final piano parts meant sneaking into my sister's room again; as it was christmas holidays, and she was going to be home all week, i finally just asked her if i could use her keyboard, and while she initially made a fit, my parents eventually made her let me use it. that was unexpected all around - she thought she was going to get me in trouble, but was instead forced to share. i told her that it would only take a few minutes because it was scored, and i was right.

i've incorporated parts of the kurt cobain suicide note into the track. the reason i did this was to incorporate the aesthetic of reading a suicide note into the song; i could have picked some other suicide note, it was the aesthetic of the note that was important and not the author or contents of the note itself, but i went with this one because it's recognizable. it also serves to obfuscate the messaging by adding another layer onto it. it can be interpreted or ignored, at your own choosing.


that really takes me to the end of a long demo tape. what am i going to do with these demos? a lot of them are written as rough ideas. the initial intent was to get ideas down to show to a drummer, but that idea seems impossible. are they good enough to send anywhere? well, i could try, right...

i heard that my aunt knows the new bassist for hole, melissa auf der maur. i don't know what concrete advantage giving her a tape may accomplish, but maybe it might land in interesting hands if she gets a demo. or maybe not. but maybe. so, maybe i'll send her a copy to listen to.

otherwise, i don't know what else to do with these demos besides listen to them. so, i think i'm going to take a few days to do just that.

maybe i'll make some liner notes or something when i send the tape out...

superman's dead?

well, i start my christmas holidays today. i want to finish the demo up first, and then i think i want to take some time away from the recording room. maybe my parents are right, maybe i do spend too much time down there. maybe i'd benefit from doing a little more reading. i might change my mind....

have you noticed that there's a new our lady peace single out? it's everywhere.

it's a little poppy, but it's also kind of dark in it's theme. what's he getting at there? the death of noble ideas? the end of the noblesse oblige? while a little more polished around the edges, it's not that far removed from the sound they explored on the second side of their first record. i do kind of hope that the rest of the record is a little less glossy, though.

a little worried about the math exam

i think i've mentioned here that my math class had absolutely no instruction in it, and i think in the end that that may have been a poor fit for me, academically.

he gave us the choice between handing in very long weekly assignments as a portion of the grade, or just having the final count for the entire grade. i do well on finals, so i saw this as a useful fallback from the start. then i just flat out forgot to do the first assignment, i guess i was distracted by other things, so i decided almost immediately that i had no choice but to cut my losses and just go for the final. once that decision had been made, the way i saw it was that if i was going to have to read through the text myself anyways, then i'd might as well put it off to the end of the semester and read it all at once. it seems like it took a little longer than i thought it would; i didn't really get to the last chapter. this would not have happened if i was in a class with instruction, as i would have followed along with the teacher in class and then done well on the final with minimal studying. yet, i should also admit that it would not have happened had i started studying a day or two earlier. nonetheless, i guess i just did not have the interest in the topic (grade 10 math) that is required to succeed in a class without instruction.

i did well on the stuff i knew how to do, but that was only about 80% of the test. that means i need to prepare myself for a B in math, which is something that nobody expects from me. on the up side, i suppose it means i'll go back to a class with instruction for next year, which i probably need to keep my attention focused.

a B in math is terrible for me, but i'm expected to get Bs in french and i think that's what i managed to get this semester. i should get a good mark in exploratory, because i can drop the F in pointilism and just average the As in computer science and design. as for english, i don't know - he gave me a good mark on the midterm, but i get the impression that he doesn't think i belong in the enriched class and i kind of have the expectation that he'll B+ me. that would again be an unexpectedly low mark for me, but i'm bracing for it.

demo #16: viewless

i became aware, this week, that my 100 minute master tape was getting close to full. this is just a tape that i've been dubbing demos on to since i started. if it's getting full, i guess i'm finishing a demo. if i'm finishing a demo, why not put a big epic part on the end?

my pile of written music had two musical frameworks left in it, and in fact these were two of the more intricately written parts, including notated overdubs - i had put off the most complex pieces until i understood what i was doing. i decided that i could put them together into a large ending catastrophe, with a plotline. the first one could be about somebody who is feeling unheard, and the second being about that person committing suicide.

i wrote the core of the music for the first part in the old house. it began with the guitar solo in the middle, and largely as a distraction when i was teaching myself how to play some parts from siamese dream. i distinctly remember putting the tab book for siamese dream down and picking up a piece of paper to write out the new tune i was jamming on. the song slowly grew around the guitar solo, developing many extra parts. i would add to the tablature score from time to time, when i was sure that a part had been permanently added. i've kept fairly close to the score in this construction.

the vocals have been adapted from an idea that i had written out at the old house, which was initially to try and animate a point of view for the victims of colonialism. i've adapted the idea by splicing it with the perspectives of somebody feeling unheard, to the point of entering a crisis point. you can still interpret it in the initial sense, if you desire, by interpreting my voice as that of the unheard, but do recognize that i've also consciously modified the intended context.

recording this track properly required me to make better use of the equipment in the studio, including using live mics on the amp distortion rather than just lining the guitars and basses in.




i decided that i had time to complete this track this week, and then study for the exams when it's done. see, i think it makes more sense to record first and then study because then i don't have to focus on remembering what i studied through the recording. if i wait and study after i'm done recording, like i did, then i'll be more focused and it will be fresher. i should have time to finish the other track after exams are finished, on thursday. i have two on wednesday, and one on thursday afternoon.

final thoughts on the grapes of wrath

so, i handed in my essay today - handwritten - and at the end of the class, i asked the teacher why he insisted i read this text. it seemed to me that it was promoting the same kinds of views that he was critical of in animal farm.

"i wouldn't agree with that characterization of the text."
"isn't it universal?"
"it's standard, but i think it's wrong."
"how so?"
"well, you'll notice that steinbeck makes heavy use of religious imagery, and is always quick to tie the struggles of the migrant workers to their sins."
"i think i decided early on in the text that this was just character development, and that the narrative harboured an underlying criticism of this thinking as....simple."
"i think it's very heavy-handed, myself. so, you see, there's a very conservative reading of the text, too."
"and all that stuff about collective ownership of property?"
"sure. that's fine. did you notice that he argues that men are worth less than livestock? that's a very old conservative argument."
"i guess this is a catholic school...."
"bingo."
"dude. is this scripted?"
"enjoy your holidays."

"actually, come back, because that's not the reason i assigned you the text."

i had to shuffle my bag a little in turning sideways. he walks towards me.

"i've noticed that you tend to make a liberal use of southern slang when you intend to mock something. that's something that you really ought to grow out of. i thought the text might make you think a little bit about that. did it?"

"well, it didn't help in breaking down stereotypes. i think maybe i see that there are larger forces at play."

"enjoy your holidays."

i still have exams to write next week, but classes are basically done for the semester. english, you can't study for. i read all of the books. for french, i'll need to spend some time practicing verb conjugation, but you can't really study for the comprehension part. i'm kind of a little behind in math, but i think i have time to catch up. and, there's no exam for the exploratory course.

finishing the grapes of wrath

upon finishing the text, i think my takeaway is that it should be viewed solely as an attempted historical reconstruction. the politics presented are meant to document those that existed amongst the migrant workers, and amongst the people the migrant workers met. if i was reading the text looking for some deep insight into the political forces that caused the migrants' struggle, it is because i fundamentally misunderstood the mandate of the text. if they themselves did not understand the causes of their struggles, how could the author demonstrate those causes and still narrate their story fairly, without mocking them?

in fact, there's some evidence of mocking. the fruit seems to make them sick, and they seem not to understand that the probable cause is that it's been sprayed. did that "medicine" kill grandpa? there's actually a lot of examples of this, but the narrative seems to be left choppy on purpose, to prevent intruding into their story.

if steinbeck were to delve into a deeper understanding of causes, he would have intellectually segregated himself from his characters, and literally lost the plot.

this may have been a part of the reason that the reverend was left underdeveloped. it seems clear that steinbeck wanted to use the reverend as a sounding board, but he was shut down early in the text. steinbeck scolds himself by pointing out how quiet the reverend has been, whenever he's reintroduced. then he takes him out of the story at a point where he could have been louder, only to reintroduce him in order to kill him off completely. but, see, there's a point where john says that he expects to see the reverend again - once again indicating that steinbeck intended to use this character to speak.

was the reverend silenced so as to not interfere with the story of the migrants? and, if so, is there an unedited version with deeper dialogue?

i would post the essay here, but he wants it done by hand. he says we'll spend enough time typing when we're older, and that we're still young enough that we should be practicing handwriting.

demo #15 - permission

this is a new song that i wrote this week, after being told i should be studying instead of recording. i think i can determine my own schedule, thank you. i mean, i appreciate the concern, but i'm on top of it, it's fine. i'm really more frustrated by the kid gloves, and reacting by mocking the concern - it's really more of a twisted joke than a denunciation of authority.

i've never been a very rebellious kid. no, honestly, i haven't been. i've gotten in my share of trouble, but it's never been out of rebellion. i'm more of a practical joker that just likes to shit disturb and mess with people's heads, for the fun of it. i guess that in order to rebel against an authority, you first have to acknowledge the legitimacy of that authority, and that's something that i've only ever done intellectually. when i've broken rules, it's always been that i've just sort of not cared that a rule exists and never to flaunt some rule maker. for me, it's really never a question of rebelling against authority because the mere idea of authority has always been clearly preposterous. if it's preposterous, it is right that it be ridiculed and laughed at and made fun of, right?

it is possible that i would rebel a little harder if i had stricter boundaries, but my parents have set boundaries for me that are wide enough to be almost inarguable. in the rare circumstances that they try to be authoritative, i almost always agree with them, anyways. so, i've spent most of my life interpreting authority as a set of rational, and at times obvious, suggestions to contemplate in making a decision.

when i was done, i brought my little sister in on backing vocals for the track, because i wanted to show the result to my parents - i thought that this would be comical, that they'd take the mocking lightheartedly. i decided against this, in the end.


well, now i do need to get to doing some school work. i have to finish reading the grapes of wrath by tomorrow, which should be easy, and then get to working on that essay, which needs to be done - by hand - by wednesday.

the middle section of the grapes of wrath

just as a reference point in the text, i've now finished up to the end of chapter 20, which is when the joads are being sent south - minus the grandparents, noah and connie. the main narrative seems to be that tom is running up against a hierarchical society that demands a level of submission that he finds difficult to accept, while the rest of the family is falling into a hopeless despair.

i should be taking notes for the essay. the theme about the lower classes in society feeling resentful over legitimately disrespectful treatment by the higher classes is something i want to pay closer attention to, as it could be an essay topic. i suspect that i could explore this theme historically, and then draw larger conclusions afterwards. it would give me an excuse to read up on some history texts, anyways, and an excuse to make the essay more speculative. i'm getting more freedom because i'm in the enriched class, and want to take advantage of it; i like freeform essay writing, but can't stand any attempt to force me to write an essay in a specific way. they want to treat an essay like it's a fill-in-the-blanks children's book, rather than the advancement of a thought.

listen: if you want me to give you my thoughts on a topic, just let me scrawl them out. i'll do your introductions and conclusions for you, i think that's a reasonable request, but let me go to town in the middle. don't try to structure my thoughts for me. no thank you.

so, i want to pick an exotic topic that allows me to write freely around the enforced restraints. i'll enjoy the process a lot more that way.

as the text has carried forwards, i find that the two narratives i spoke of have become less distinct in terms of analysis and historicity, with the narration getting more plot-driven and the dialogue getting more philosophical. i'm still finding that it's plot-heavy, but it's balancing out substantially.

another theme i could potentially explore would be the displacement caused by automation, whether it is worth it and what can be done to ease the hardship. the novel tends to prioritize a return to agrarianism, and seems to advance the idea that the fix to the problem is an agrarian collectivization. but it seems to me that the benefits of mechanization are very great and that the goal strived towards ought to be to find ways that everybody can benefit from it. i would resist the idea that the poverty is being caused by technology, and instead point towards an unfair distribution of the benefits of that technology. eventually, in the depression, the owners of the technology realized that they had to share, or they'd be overwhelmed. i guess the lesson we should learn for the next time is that when you have a shift in technology that leads to unemployment, a part of the profits of that superior technology must go towards the displaced workers - or they may become desperate and revolt. this sounds like another topic with a history that can be explored.

the character of the reverend struck me as important from the start, but as the novel carried on i started to wonder if it was just an expected part of a midwestern story. can't have a story about rednecks without a reverend, johnny? is that it? i think there's the start of some symbolism being built around the reverend, but he's either keeping the development for later or it isn't coming at all. there's several points in the text where steinbeck seems to be scolding himself for not using the character more, which indicates that the plans were there (they are....) but not necessarily that they're going to get carried out. i kind of suspected that the reverend was going to do something awful, and that would be a reflection of all of the faith leaving the society. knocking out the cop was a different twist, one that suggested some hope that the faith could be regained. but, i had higher hopes for the reverend. that's not what steinbeck was initially getting at. he could have represented something more abstract around the death of christianity - both in the migrant population and outside of it. maybe he still will, but i just get the intention that steinbeck is broadcasting that he's censoring himself, perhaps because he doesn't have the confidence to really write it down. he doesn't think that he can animate this character the way he wants, so he's avoiding it; still wants to do it, but later. i bet he bails on it, rather than finish it.

speaking of which, you can also tell that he dropped characters because he was bored with them. not connie; connie disappearing was a conscious plot development. but, the other dropped characters were just left at the side of the road. they could have been developed further; but, he didn't want to, so they were just dropped.

i have a better handle on what the text is now, and what it's trying to get across. i still wish it was heavier on analysis, but it has picked up in the middle and i don't expect that the end will pick up much more. i suppose that's another possible essay topic.

demo #14: mosh pit song

i spent a little bit of time with matt during the week. i kind of wasn't expecting the idea of the band to come back up, but he wanted to talk about it a little bit more so i kept an open mind about it. i brought a dubbed tape that i've been adding to along to show him some of the things i've been working on on my own, to see if he'd like to approach any of it. i also brought an unamped guitar just to jam.

he repeated the assertion that he was surprised by how slow the tempo was, and wanted to do something faster. he started talking about how he wanted to get the crowd excited so that they were all worked up and slam dancing, and then maybe send them out into the streets to start a revolution. he also came up with a band name, dukes of anarchy, and a logo that would look something like this:

"have you read the grapes of wrath?"
"no."
"i'm reading it for the independent study, and it's just kind of topical with what you're saying. wouldn't the end result just be chaos, though? people aimlessly breaking things?"
"yeah. yeah. that's the point."
"but then what?"
"then we get laid."
"k."

see, it might seem that i should be a little bit cautious about continuing to jam with this kid, but i know he's just trying to be "cool". he has this idealization of punk rock as being the in-crowd for freaks, and is talking in the ways he thinks he needs to talk to fit into this group. i've seen the media that has put these ideas into his head, too, and i think it's largely fantasy - that these nihilistic teens he's looking up to are really just a marketing invention, and the punk subculture is largely just a fashion trend. but, i also realize that he's actually approaching the punk subculture as a fashion trend, and the idea of inciting a riot as the hip thing to do. what that means, when you add it up, is that his rhetoric is reflective of a tactic to win acceptance in a group he's been told exists by media, and liable to modification relative to the actual realities around winning group acceptance. further, i like the idea of being involved in a political project - if maybe not on those exact terms. i decided quickly that we could talk about the riots after we've written some riot-inducing riffs.

we did not get a lot done, but i brought a number of riffs home with me and turned them into this week's song. the lyrics reflect the discussion i had with matt and are meant solely as placeholders, until he develops some to replace them, or i eventually do.


it's late; i should sleep. i need to get back to the steinbeck tomorrow afternoon.

beginning the grapes of wrath

i should be taking some notes on the text anyways, so why not post them here?

i've read the first ten chapters so far, and i find that the narrative is split. the sections of pure narration seem to have deeper philosophical interpretations, while the narrative seems to be attempting a strict historical interpretation. this may come off as campy at times, but i don't doubt it's intended historicity and am willing to keep an open mind about it's accuracy. i suspect that it may be exaggerated to assert crude stereotypes, but broadly accurate nonetheless.

i guess that there's two kinds of stereotypes. there's ones that are developed maliciously for some external gain (like slavery), and then there's ones that are arrived at through careful empirical observation. now, it's important to realize that humans are individuals and may not perfectly, or at all, reflect the trends. but, acknowledging that humans are not to be defined in aggregate does not rob the aggregate data of value as crude representation. when you're writing fiction, i guess you need to make the choice between whether you're writing a complex, multifaceted novel that attempts to explore all viewpoints or are focusing in a specific viewpoint and narrating it strictly from that perspective. it's important that the broad literature reflect a level of diversity in viewpoints, yes. but, that actually implies that singular viewpoints should be considered.

so, you have to look at the stereotypes in the novel as being a singular expression of data that was arrived at in aggregate. as such, it may be an exaggerated representation of an underlying reality. so, i both trust the intended historicity and am confident in it's accuracy.

i'm just feeling that it needs more pure narration in order to remain compelling. it is not the historical accuracy of the day-to-day lives of these people that truly interests me, but an analysis of the causes of their struggles. i appreciate the attempt to make me understand the world through their eyes, but i feel it's only useful in building empathy for an analysis of the problem, and i feel that has already been established. so, i hope it picks up in analysis for the middle section.

it's a rusty razorblade on that suitcase

so, i picked up the new bush record...

i'm aware that being a bush fan is holding to a kind of a tenuous position in the rock subculture, as they are immensely unpopular in the independent music community. i tend to lean towards this independent music community, so i think i need to develop a defense.

i'm going to use a dialectical approach, in not denying the validity of the criticism and arguing instead to appreciate it for what it is. yes; bush are a calculated, corporate rock band. yet, despite disliking the culture around it, i think there's a valid artistic space for high production rock music. nor do i think that a taste for bush is inconsistent with my tastes for other high production rock bands like soundgarden, nine inch nails and the smashing pumpkins.

of course, i have plenty of criticism for corporate rock culture in it's worst excesses, but these exist largely on an artistic level. these criticisms are valid, but they simply in no way negate the existence of the corporate rock band that uses resources effectively to create compelling music. this category has existed for as long as it's been demonstrable. that's a false binary that the smarter-than-you indie kids tend to fall for every time.

bush is something else that i was first exposed to via guitar world. a tab for everything zen appeared in one issue, and while the riff looked kind of boring, the lyrics printed underneath it caught my attention. then, i noticed that there was a slide guitar part, had fun jamming on it and wanted to hear what it sounded like. they didn't play that song on the radio in ottawa. so, i went to the music store and had to buy an imported copy of the tape, because they weren't being manufactured in canada, yet. it was a few weeks later that they got really popular, so the guitar world article must have been exploratory advertising.

i ended up enjoying the record, but i always interpreted it as fundamentally british and could never really understand the comparisons to seattle bands, like nirvana. i think it's because the production is so obviously brit-pop. it doesn't have any dark, churning moments; it's so bright and very clean. if there were american bands with clean production like this, they were punk bands like the pixies and bad religion. that's what nevermind was actually aspiring to. but, i wouldn't even make that connection. i've just always thought of them as brit-pop. consider the drumming in machinehead, for example; this is just so obviously british.

when i heard they were working with steve albini, i got a little bit worried. it seemed as though they were caving in to the media narrative as being a nirvana copycat, as though they thought they had cornered a market. this is when corporate rock gets terrible - when it starts seeking out target demographics as explicit attempts to tap into specific markets. i was consequently approaching this record with low expectations, half-convinced that it would be full of the worst radio anthems.

while a few of the tracks were clearly singled out and designed for mass broadcast, the record overall is actually surprisingly abstract. albini's raw production techniques are clearly on display in the guitar tone, but he was just as clearly not the final decision maker in the sound design process, which is very cleanly mastered. this combination of glossy processing over raw amp distortion really brings out the harmonics in the guitars, especially during the sections with multiple guitar overdubs. this effect is amplified even further by the liberal use of dissonance over the record.

the lack of disciplined songwriting on the record may be a consequence of a lack of preparation, which is another problem endemic to corporate rock, but in this circumstance it gives the production team a huge amount of space to fill in the spectrum. beyond the layering of guitar harmonics, which by the way is also very british, they also bring in some fairly written baroque-ish string sections. at other times, they fill the spectrum with reverb on drums and vocals in ways that take inspiration from the developing british form of trip-hop. this all culminates in a carefully written result, even if much of the writing and arrangements ultimately came from the production team. it is easy to criticize them for relying so strongly on this production, but that is again to miss the point that the producers, in this case, have produced a compelling result - that corporate rock can fulfill an artistic mandate.

unfortunately, these artistic mandates are subject to market discipline, and in the end i fear the band may regret not paying more attention to the available market research. my immediate perception is that people cannot connect with these songs due to their abstraction, that they are disappointed in the difficulty of the record and are choosing to move on. a band that is scorned like this will not survive a decline in popularity. but, at the least they can say that they made a really good record.

demo #13: guh

it's late on a saturday night, and i'm uploading the track for this week now so that i can get some reading done tomorrow. i have about three weeks to complete this, so i'm going to try to get a third of the text done on sundays for the next three weeks, then write the essay afterwards. 

here's my new tune:



i don't watch a lot of tv, but i happened to catch an episode of "touched by an angel" this week and it really hit me the wrong way. i've been noticing recently, maybe because i just studied animal farm, that television really operates on an entirely different existence than what is presented. what i mean is that shows come with characters and casts but are really about pushing down messaging that is invariably state propaganda.

this underlying purpose of media as a tool of control really saturates the corporate press. you can see it in music videos, films, novels - it's not just tv. but, just about anything christian-themed on tv is just so heavy-handed and obvious that i can't even turn it off in my mind. i just get these, like, DANGER seizures.

i just had a really angry, visceral response to the episode i saw and felt the need to vent a little. it's actually one of those moments where i kind of regretted the vocals the moment i recited them, but i'm holding to them because i think it captures something.

musically, the track had been sitting for a little while, without vocals. i initially wrote it as a kind of marketable jangle-rock ballad, but decided in the end to dirty it up a little bit. the lead guitar section in the bridge is something i developed while practicing sweep-picking, but slowed down substantially to create a psychedelic effect.

i also spent the week listening to the new bush record, and i'm going to review it in a new post.

demo #12: sound art collages & computer simulations [the grapes of wrath starts next week]

it's another late night, i guess...

this track was improvised over the last week in the basement studio as a sound collage experiment. i kind of wish i had some fancy toys down here, like a sampler or a wave editor. but, my computer upstairs only has windows 3.1 on it and i wouldn't know where to begin in actually using it to make music.

the experiment started by realizing that i could hear some bleed on the tape i'm using to record, and wondering what it would sound like if i just took every tape i have and pasted it over top of itself. i still buy all of my music on cassette because i have a walkman and don't have a discman, so i actually have a big stack of cassettes. i was curious as to what it would sound like, so i did it, and the result is the warped, noisy sound that saturates the track - like a really nasty wind storm. i tried to randomize the process a little bit in order to make it more dynamic.

once i had the collage bounced to a single channel on my 4-track, i had to sneak into my sister's room to use her synthesizer, again. the part is entirely improvised. in fact, i only played it once. it's meant to give off this kind of eccentric, carefree attitude in a situation where something more sombre is required. one might imagine an old man dancing outside in a category 5 hurricane to a soundtrack that only he can hear. or, perhaps a religious lunatic rejoicing in the midst of a nuclear attack.

the rest of the noise is multiple tracks of guitar noodling through multiple effects patches, mostly high feedback.

i also used the mastering process as an instrument, purposefully shorting the signal in such a way that is meant to represent a collapse in consciousness. think of it like this: if we exist in a computer simulation, what happens when the power goes out? or at least flickers a little?

this is the first track i've ever written that is like this. again: i wish i knew a little bit more about how to use technology to make sound. i guess i'm just learning, still. i'd like to do more sound art projects like this, though. hopefully, the sophistication of my collages increases as i get to understanding the technology better.



how about school? and things?

i'm actually glad that we're done with animal farm, because i don't like my conservative teacher's take on it. or, at least i think he's a conservative. i'm not sure why he's insisting i read the grapes of wrath. i haven't read it yet, but isn't that a left-wing take on the depression? maybe i'll figure out his motives over the next few weeks....

the eleventh demo, and a young person's take on animal farm

wow, it's late! i've been up all night reading. the early morning hours are always the best for reading, as the light is artificial. you'll never see a monk out on the beach, will you? no: reading is a task meant solely for solitary darkness, in beds, alone, away from prying eyes...

the assignment was a chapter per day over two weeks. but, these chapters are so short; if i'm going to sit down and read, i'm going to sit down and read a few dozen pages, at least. so, i read the first five chapters last sunday night and the last five chapters tonight. what are my thoughts?

well, i'm told this is a satire of a revolution that occurred in russia almost eighty years ago and that created a communist state called the soviet union, which does not exist any more. i've actually had a longstanding interest in history, albeit mostly ancient history, so i have read books on world war one and have heard of this bolshevik revolution and consequently do have enough historical context to make some sense of the satire, even if the details are rather blurry. while i'm just barely old enough to remember the event of the wall coming down in germany as a concert and cultural event, i have no recollection of the cold war or the soviet union, itself. as such, i'm interpreting this novel as historical fiction, rather than as anything currently relevant.

this is, however, maybe the first time that the instruction in english class is both interesting to me and providing new information for me. i'm so used to these english teachers telling me things i already know, or trying to explain things that are just blatantly obvious. but, i'd never heard of this leon trotsky, before. so, i wouldn't have been able to understand the book, or even make meaningful sense of it, without the instruction from the teacher.

he's both excited and apologetic; he maintains that the text is historical, but he seems to think it isn't relevant anymore, since the fall of communism. he's been quick to point out that orwell is a socialist, but he claims he "won't use it against him". he says the book used to be important because it teaches kids that socialism is impossible because it contradicts the conservative concepts of human nature that have been proven correct through experiment. it follows then, in his estimation, that the book no longer needs to be taught. worse, he claims, is that teaching the book is just needlessly exposing kids to communism.

the context of the text (and the fact that i am legitimately interested in the symbolism) aside, i think the major thing that i'm pulling out of the story is orwell's obvious contempt for the intelligence of workers. it's not clear whether he wishes to claim that workers are legitimately stupid or merely uneducated to a point where they are incapable of fending for themselves, but this seems to be the key assumption he makes that colours the rest of the text in a specific way. if these animals were not so stupid, might the outcome be different? and, is it really a justified assumption?

but, do i accept the premise that this is all inevitable? my teacher has been talking a lot about "human nature". i'm not convinced that this is something that even exists. i mean, we just did shakespeare and talked a lot about free will, so what is this "human nature" that apparently contradicts it? i asked him the other day if he meant that "human nature" is an actually real thing or just a tool of literary analysis, and he paused for a minute before saying "both" and quickly moving to the next question. i recognize this as a dodge...

i wonder if the point that orwell was trying to make has more to do with the nature of the society - that a farm produces a natural order that can only be abolished by escaping the farm. perhaps, then, the real criticism is not about humans and more about technology, and perhaps the conclusion is that if we want technology then we have to accept that some of us will be slaves - or at least will be until the technology advances.

and, of course, i have a song for you, too. i'm just late because i was reading.

this song has also been written out for a while, now. i definitely wrote it in the old house, because i remember jamming on it in the middle of the night in my old bedroom. but, i also remember writing it around my guitar effects processor, so it would have have to have been written in early 1996.

the track was initially just meant to sound creepy. you'll note that it's kind of a gothed up blues riff, followed by a noisy grunge riff, followed by the same gothed up blues riff, but grungified. the overwhelming musical influence on the track is kurt cobain.

lyrically, the lyrics are just a reflection of the mood of the track. i guess i felt that the song was very moody and kind of schizophrenic, so i constructed something like an x-files episode around it. i think it's a little too much to reference stephen king, although he was certainly an aesthetic influence.

there otherwise isn't much of a back story for this song: it's really just an outgrowth of playing on my back, late at night, with the lights off.....and reacting to that atmosphere, conceptually.



i'm going to need to catch the bus in a few hours, so i should try and get an hour or two of sleep, at least. but i can sleep when i get to class, too...