i'm very slowly moving through that introduction to quantum physics lecture series (which is really a course in applied linear algebra, as i learned it in first year), and it keeps reminding me of this old demo i did with sean - which was the one & only rabit is wolf track that i did not remaster, remix or otherwise play with. it's the one and only track i was actually happy with...

i've tended to resist commenting on sean's vocals, because i think i'm sort of out of line doing so. there really was a total division of labour; he may have asked for an extra bar or two to work out a lyrical idea here and there, but he really had absolutely no musical training whatsoever, and i really had no interest in interfering with his expression. but, i keep thinking about this...

the way this track worked was that sean came in with a vocal idea for a song he wanted to call "released with your sigh", and i built the song up after he left, sending him a demo over...i can't remember if it was icq or msn. but, he came back about a week later and did the vocals for it in one take, and that was really the extent of it.

after listening to it, though, i insisted on naming the track "psi" - as the howl at the end was essentially a wavefunction collapse. in fact, i initially stylized it with the greek letter itself, ψ, but that didn't survive in a pre-mathml browser reality; what i just did to get that psi was very simple, but would have actually been very frustrating back in 2002. so, i just started calling it psi and it stuck....

he asked a few times, and i just told him it was a greek letter. i'd known him since we were kids, and was aware that his scientific literacy was very low. i think he tended to think i was naming it after something jungian, perhaps from a tool influence. but, it was more of a bowie-esque play on words.

so, this tune keeps coming up in my head, when i'm eating.

i'm working through this slowly because......the concepts are not new to me, but i have never taken a formal course in quantum physics like this before, and some of these concepts are things i've barely looked at in 20 years. the math is...it's weird. it really is. i think the weirdness has more to do with the geometry being wrong, but i will have more to say in due course. for now, i'm making sure i'm going over it well enough to really properly grasp it.

i would expect that future lecture series will be a little faster.

i was just about to get started and had to nap again...

i can't handle these shifts in pressure. i know that. and, this one was intense, and bizarre. the dry air in here isn't helping, but i'm going to blame everything on the polar vortex as the root cause - which means i have to go through it lifting, now. hopefully, it's not as bad as it was coming in...

if i can get through the next 12 hours or so, hopefully things start to normalize themselves tomorrow.

let's try to get most of this done overnight.

while i did get a little bit done yesterday, i actually got sort of distracted by the location entry, and the need to go back and ensure everything was properly lined up. it was also a fairly short day, in the end - barely 15 hours. and, i got a fair amount of sleep this morning. i guess i was tired....

let's hope i can get through a good chunk of this this afternoon. i'm feeling good about it.

yesterday was not productive, but i do think i'm feeling better.

let's try this again.

i'm actually glad i saved this, as it really is it's own thing.

it's no longer an official release, though, so it's going to mostly get passed over. well, i guess i'll have to update the notes for inrijected.

the only drug i take habitually or want to take habitually is caffeine.

so, i seem to have finally gotten some sleep, at least. that was more than i usually get at one time, including an unheard of unbroken six hours.

i don't understand what's going on with me, right now....

i wanted to be productive this weekend, but the fucking pig upstairs was smoking all weekend, which just made me unfocused and unproductive. i was neither able to work, nor to sleep - i just found myself staring at the wall.

the migraine never triggered fully, but it's still there, ready to kick back in.

and, i still don't know if i actually got the virus or i'm just suffering through the second-hand smoke.

what next, then? i wanted to get done most of the rebuild over the weekend, and then do some court stuff early this week. i only got through six days of january, 2014.

i'm going to push through for another day or two, but i may have to stop mid-week.

i moved here to avoid this. it's very frustrating and very depressing :(.

i'm in the category of people that would find constant inebriation to be a cause of depression, rather than a solution to it, and i don't have any ambiguity or confusion around the point - i am fully cognizant of the fact that i don't like it, and don't want to be around it on a habitual basis. i don't need to experiment. i know...

this is kind of brutal.

i'm neither asleep nor awake.

i can't figure out if i'm sick or reacting badly to air pollution.

and i want to get this done, but keep sputtering out; i keep getting overwhelmingly tired, but merely for minutes, until i'm back at it, without actually sleeping. ugh.

let's try this again.

so, that was more sleeping....

i don't feel sick. but, i'm still extremely dehydrated.

i think it's lingering effects of the migraine, and i think the root cause is the dry air.

at least the smoke seems to be gone for the night. hopefully.

still no shower. but, i'm going to try to get some work done and go from there.

i can smell & taste.

i'm not, otherwise, sore.

no gastric issues.

really, i'm just dehydrated....

i just slept some more....

do i think i finally picked this thing up?

well, i get tired when i have migraines, so it's not clear which is the culprit. some other signs...

- i don't have a thermometer i can use for a fever, but i am feeling a little warm. i've checked the thermometer i bought last year, though, and guess what? it's actually unusually warm in here.

- i started coughing last night and it's lingering, but i was reacting to second hand smoke (since passed, apparently) and it feels like a smokers' cough.

- the headache is getting better, but it is also triggered by dry air and smoke.

there's a very weird cold snap going through here right now that should lift in a day or two.

in the meantime, i didn't get that shower yet and am looking forward to it.

i dunno. i know i feel dehydrated...

i stopped to eat some fruit, and i had to pause halfway through the broader meal, but i'm feeling a lot better.

the air has cleared out in here, thankfully.

so, i'm going to get some spaghetti in me, take a shower and hopefully get back to it before sunset...

i have never been diagnosed with clinical depression, and i've never claimed i suffer from it, ever.

i do not self-medicate.

i'm not even depressed.

i'm just frustrated that i can't focus.

i don't write folk music or hip-hop or techno. i make very technical, complicated progressive rock.

that means that i need to be able to think clearly - to work out time signatures, to do math on the fly.

being stoned just doesn't work for me.

i'm sorry - i'm not that person, i never was and i never will be. i don't want to be.

i do not smoke drugs or drink alcohol when i'm creative. ever.

it makes me stupid and unproductive.

what i want right now, and will want for the near future, is total sobriety so i can work on my art.

i can't work when i'm stoned.

ok?

the legal pot in this province is terrible. it's not worth buying.

i have no intention on being inebriated for months, and i'm going to get fucking livid if i'm forced to get stoned against my will.

it's absolutely revolting and disgusting in every conceivable way.

i should not be forced to deal with this.

why do i have to say this every fucking time?

why don't you just get this worthless, piece of shit out of here?