i'm still not quite ready to ship in the morning, but i'm just going to give an update on what's coming here before hallowe'en.
inri016 - eat my fuck
inri017 - idiotic single (with wish-noise-idiotic super track & outtakes)
inri018 - circus single
inri019 - teenage jesus single
inri020 - boogeyman single
inri021 - inriched (lp 2)
this is the hump.
then: period 1.2 comps
then: period 1.3
.....before i take another listening pause.
Monday, October 10, 2016
finalizing inri015
it took eighteen years and multiple attempts at a construction, but this
record is finally permanently completed as an instrumental electronic
work and i am finally proud to refer to it as my first record.
while most of these songs have defined concepts underlying them, i have ejected these concepts from the final recording and left them in a series of singles. i would prefer that this album be understood solely as the instrumental recording of electronic music that i am presenting it as.
written and demoed in multiple stages from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reconstructed and resequenced jan 6-10, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2013-2016. audio permanently closed on aug 10, 2016. finalized on oct 10, 2016. this is my first official record; as always, please use headphones.
the original, unaltered files are also available (along with the original 1998 cd sequence, the failed 2013 remasters and the final reconstructions - all in flac) as 112 kbps mp3s, as i found them, on inriℵ0:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1997, 1998, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016).
credits
released June 20, 1998
j - guitars, effects, bass, synthesizers, drum programming, orchestral & other sequencing, sampling, vocal relics, cool edit synthesis, windows 95 sound recorder, production, found sounds, strategies, soundraider, hammerhead, sound design, metronome, digital wave editing, production
the rendered electronic orchestra includes piano, organ, electric guitar, orchestra hit, pizzicato strings, synth pads, violin, viola, cello, contrabass, electric bass, sitar, tubular bells, tinkle bells, synthesizer effects and flute.
while most of these songs have defined concepts underlying them, i have ejected these concepts from the final recording and left them in a series of singles. i would prefer that this album be understood solely as the instrumental recording of electronic music that i am presenting it as.
written and demoed in multiple stages from 1994-1998. initially constructed in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. reconstructed and resequenced jan 6-10, 2016 from parts that were rebuilt over 2013-2016. audio permanently closed on aug 10, 2016. finalized on oct 10, 2016. this is my first official record; as always, please use headphones.
the original, unaltered files are also available (along with the original 1998 cd sequence, the failed 2013 remasters and the final reconstructions - all in flac) as 112 kbps mp3s, as i found them, on inriℵ0:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1997, 1998, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016).
credits
released June 20, 1998
j - guitars, effects, bass, synthesizers, drum programming, orchestral & other sequencing, sampling, vocal relics, cool edit synthesis, windows 95 sound recorder, production, found sounds, strategies, soundraider, hammerhead, sound design, metronome, digital wave editing, production
the rendered electronic orchestra includes piano, organ, electric guitar, orchestra hit, pizzicato strings, synth pads, violin, viola, cello, contrabass, electric bass, sitar, tubular bells, tinkle bells, synthesizer effects and flute.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
finalizing inri014
i'm moving slower than i'd like, but here's the first one, anyways:
--
this single was created by running tracks 9,10 and 11 on the cd together; it was never meant to be a unified track. 9 and 11 are proper tracks, whereas 10 is an experimental segue directly into 11. the process of compiling singles kind of accidentally led to this construction as a very natural combination and i'm now very content with it as the permanent home for both of these pieces.
these songs were both always musically driven, with kind of throwaway vocals that i don't really have any meaningful analysis for. neither of these tracks was ever conceptual or confessional or ever meant much to me on a personal level, so they don't have the kind of stories or explanations that the other tracks that were important to me do. i have not remixed the vocals into either of these songs; all of the tracks on the physical release are entirely instrumental. why bother releasing a single, then?
the reason is that i ended up with a number of mixes for both of them and just needed a place to house them. of course, that's not actually any kind of an interesting concept to build a single around. it was precisely because there was no retained concept underlying either of these tracks that the singles seemed pointless. but, once they were connected via the segue, the purpose of a single became readily apparent in that connection, itself.
the decision was sealed by a curious synchronicity in time. they were both originally written for the 1996 cassette demo, and separated there by a guitar/bass cover of "mellon collie and the infinite sadness". the entanglement is probably not entirely coincidental; i have a vague recollection of checking the tape to ensure i didn't forget any songs, and i may very well have repeated recording them in succession for that reason. however that happened to be, the synchronicity is a big part of what allowed me to create this ep the way that i've created it as it allowed me to label demo versions of the track with the same title.
while neither of these tracks have meaningful vocals, they are both important in my musical development. schizoid features my first multi-part string accompaniment and terrorists is a serious step forward in harmonic complexity. even the segue (titled "abusive") is something different: it's my first run at a 909 emulator, and a step out to lunch in abstract sound design.
so, as the last piece completed for my first record, this is somewhat of a portal to transit through, in terms of the developing complexity in my compositional abilities. but, it does not and never did have any worthwhile conceptual meaning to me. as such, there is no story to tell.
initially written in 1996. recreated mostly in feb, 1998 (schizoid, terrorists) but also partly in june, 1998 (abusive). sequenced in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. "terrorists" was reclaimed june 28-29, 2015 & remixed july 15, 2015. the main mix was corrected on nov 19, 2015. "schizoid" was reclaimed on july 12, 2015 & reprogrammed on dec 31, 2015. the main mix was corrected on jan 3, 2016 and remixed repeatedly jan 3-5, 2016. the lead track was sequenced on jan 5, 2016 and split back apart on jan 8, 2016. audio permanently closed on aug 1, 2016. release finalized on oct 9, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
the album version of this track appears on my first record:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3
this release is compiled on inriℵ0.
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016).
* - download only
credits
released June 16, 1998
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, synths, drum kit, drum programming, sequencing, soundraider, hammerhead, cool edit synthesis, tapes, noises, found sounds, sound design, sampling, digital wave editing, production.
the rendered electronic orchestra includes organ, sitar, bells, violin, viola, cello, contrabass and synthesizer effects.
--
this single was created by running tracks 9,10 and 11 on the cd together; it was never meant to be a unified track. 9 and 11 are proper tracks, whereas 10 is an experimental segue directly into 11. the process of compiling singles kind of accidentally led to this construction as a very natural combination and i'm now very content with it as the permanent home for both of these pieces.
these songs were both always musically driven, with kind of throwaway vocals that i don't really have any meaningful analysis for. neither of these tracks was ever conceptual or confessional or ever meant much to me on a personal level, so they don't have the kind of stories or explanations that the other tracks that were important to me do. i have not remixed the vocals into either of these songs; all of the tracks on the physical release are entirely instrumental. why bother releasing a single, then?
the reason is that i ended up with a number of mixes for both of them and just needed a place to house them. of course, that's not actually any kind of an interesting concept to build a single around. it was precisely because there was no retained concept underlying either of these tracks that the singles seemed pointless. but, once they were connected via the segue, the purpose of a single became readily apparent in that connection, itself.
the decision was sealed by a curious synchronicity in time. they were both originally written for the 1996 cassette demo, and separated there by a guitar/bass cover of "mellon collie and the infinite sadness". the entanglement is probably not entirely coincidental; i have a vague recollection of checking the tape to ensure i didn't forget any songs, and i may very well have repeated recording them in succession for that reason. however that happened to be, the synchronicity is a big part of what allowed me to create this ep the way that i've created it as it allowed me to label demo versions of the track with the same title.
while neither of these tracks have meaningful vocals, they are both important in my musical development. schizoid features my first multi-part string accompaniment and terrorists is a serious step forward in harmonic complexity. even the segue (titled "abusive") is something different: it's my first run at a 909 emulator, and a step out to lunch in abstract sound design.
so, as the last piece completed for my first record, this is somewhat of a portal to transit through, in terms of the developing complexity in my compositional abilities. but, it does not and never did have any worthwhile conceptual meaning to me. as such, there is no story to tell.
initially written in 1996. recreated mostly in feb, 1998 (schizoid, terrorists) but also partly in june, 1998 (abusive). sequenced in this form in june, 1998. a failed rescue was attempted in 2013. "terrorists" was reclaimed june 28-29, 2015 & remixed july 15, 2015. the main mix was corrected on nov 19, 2015. "schizoid" was reclaimed on july 12, 2015 & reprogrammed on dec 31, 2015. the main mix was corrected on jan 3, 2016 and remixed repeatedly jan 3-5, 2016. the lead track was sequenced on jan 5, 2016 and split back apart on jan 8, 2016. audio permanently closed on aug 1, 2016. release finalized on oct 9, 2016. as always, please use headphones.
the album version of this track appears on my first record:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-3
this release is compiled on inriℵ0.
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set
this release also includes a printable jewel case insert and will also eventually include a comprehensive package of journal entries from all phases of production (1996, 1998, 2013, 2015, 2016).
* - download only
credits
released June 16, 1998
j - guitars, effects, bass, vocals, synths, drum kit, drum programming, sequencing, soundraider, hammerhead, cool edit synthesis, tapes, noises, found sounds, sound design, sampling, digital wave editing, production.
the rendered electronic orchestra includes organ, sitar, bells, violin, viola, cello, contrabass and synthesizer effects.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
i got some sleep yesterday, and this was good. i'm unfortunately a little slow transferring over, as i have some conservatives trying to win an argument with me on youtube (they're persistent, anyways). these are trained propagandists. i can tell by the talking points. they're trying to talk me into caring about deficits, but i frankly don't think they even realize how wrong what they're saying is. if they did, they'd just give up.
--
this individual was (is, i guess) a fiscal conservative. he insisted i take a position that defends the liberal party of ontario. what he was trying to do was constrain the discussion to a "legitimate debate" between liberals and conservatives.
but, i am not a liberal - i am a socialist. and, i was resisting this attempt to "legitimize" the discussion by avoiding his bait as long as i could.
i accidentally took the bait, and there wasn't a way out. but, i need to be clear: i didn't want to have this debate. it's not a topic i'm interested in. and, it's very hard for me to have these debates because i'm so far to the left that i constantly have to redefine terms with any opponent.
the bit about money being an artificial construct, for example. i understand his point, from his perspective. but, if you reject the concept of money, my position does follow.
you might suggest that i have no business having a detailed policy discussion about the liberal party's budget if i reject the concept of money - to which i would respond that i didn't want to have that discussion in the first place.
if this was in real life, i would have gotten up and walked away. you can't do that online. you can't ignore somebody. you have to block them.
--
it was a long exchange, and it took me all day and now i'm hungry again :\. i hadn't eaten in a few days, and filled my stomach up quickly so i only had half what i usually eat...
but, i am going to be back to finishing the write-ups for inri014 and inri015 by the end of the night. i plan to ship in the morning...
--
this individual was (is, i guess) a fiscal conservative. he insisted i take a position that defends the liberal party of ontario. what he was trying to do was constrain the discussion to a "legitimate debate" between liberals and conservatives.
but, i am not a liberal - i am a socialist. and, i was resisting this attempt to "legitimize" the discussion by avoiding his bait as long as i could.
i accidentally took the bait, and there wasn't a way out. but, i need to be clear: i didn't want to have this debate. it's not a topic i'm interested in. and, it's very hard for me to have these debates because i'm so far to the left that i constantly have to redefine terms with any opponent.
the bit about money being an artificial construct, for example. i understand his point, from his perspective. but, if you reject the concept of money, my position does follow.
you might suggest that i have no business having a detailed policy discussion about the liberal party's budget if i reject the concept of money - to which i would respond that i didn't want to have that discussion in the first place.
if this was in real life, i would have gotten up and walked away. you can't do that online. you can't ignore somebody. you have to block them.
--
it was a long exchange, and it took me all day and now i'm hungry again :\. i hadn't eaten in a few days, and filled my stomach up quickly so i only had half what i usually eat...
but, i am going to be back to finishing the write-ups for inri014 and inri015 by the end of the night. i plan to ship in the morning...
Friday, October 7, 2016
ok, so i have another alter-reality update...
i've got a pile of bureaucracy to do over the next few days. i got through a chunk of it overnight, but i'm going to have to sleep at some point, too. inri014-inri016 should be closed by the end of the weekend.....
alter-reality posts:
1) sneaking in to use my sister's keyboard
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/10/sneaking-in-to-use-my-sisters-keyboard.html
2) demo track #6:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/10/demo-track-6.html
3) did i hear this on the radio today?
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/10/did-i-hear-this-on-radio-today.html
i've got a pile of bureaucracy to do over the next few days. i got through a chunk of it overnight, but i'm going to have to sleep at some point, too. inri014-inri016 should be closed by the end of the weekend.....
alter-reality posts:
1) sneaking in to use my sister's keyboard
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/10/sneaking-in-to-use-my-sisters-keyboard.html
2) demo track #6:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/10/demo-track-6.html
3) did i hear this on the radio today?
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/10/did-i-hear-this-on-radio-today.html
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
also....
i've made a choice to back off of the listening, for now, and just get on with it.
i lost the month of september altogether. august was messy, but september just evaporated. so, i'm very far behind and want to get a move on things.
on top of that, i've certainly listened to these recordings quite a bit through my mp3 player and i'm absolutely confident that they are not going to be altered. so, what am i doing, really? i've lost a lot of time and don't want to waste any more.
finally, i know i'm going to come back to this when i'm done the next section, anyways.
so, here's the new plan: fill up the mp3 player and then come back to it. that's 2 gb of mp3s. when i get there, i'll stop and do a massive listening run over all of period 1 before moving back on to period 2.
that means i need to finish the final close on inri014 and inri015 tonight and then move on to inri016 when i finish cleaning, in a few days. my new goal is to completely finish period 1 by halloween. and, i think we can do this.
i've made a choice to back off of the listening, for now, and just get on with it.
i lost the month of september altogether. august was messy, but september just evaporated. so, i'm very far behind and want to get a move on things.
on top of that, i've certainly listened to these recordings quite a bit through my mp3 player and i'm absolutely confident that they are not going to be altered. so, what am i doing, really? i've lost a lot of time and don't want to waste any more.
finally, i know i'm going to come back to this when i'm done the next section, anyways.
so, here's the new plan: fill up the mp3 player and then come back to it. that's 2 gb of mp3s. when i get there, i'll stop and do a massive listening run over all of period 1 before moving back on to period 2.
that means i need to finish the final close on inri014 and inri015 tonight and then move on to inri016 when i finish cleaning, in a few days. my new goal is to completely finish period 1 by halloween. and, i think we can do this.
this has been painful. i started this post almost two weeks ago and am just posting it now.
but, several alter-reality updates are up, now.
1) demo #2 (hey god):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/2016/09/new-song-2.html
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/the-song-from-yesterday.html
2) new adventures in hi-fi review:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/new-adventures-with-old-favourite.html
3) first concert (smashing pumpkins, mcis tour, ottawa):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/my-first-ever-concert-smashing-pumpkins.html
4) demo #3 (i did your mom):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/track-3-i-did-your-mom.html
5) demo #4 (neglected):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/track-4-neglected.html
6) pinkerton review:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/the-new-weezer-record-is-horrible.html
7) demo #5:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/good-afternoon-i-have-another-song-for.html
but, several alter-reality updates are up, now.
1) demo #2 (hey god):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/2016/09/new-song-2.html
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/the-song-from-yesterday.html
2) new adventures in hi-fi review:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/new-adventures-with-old-favourite.html
3) first concert (smashing pumpkins, mcis tour, ottawa):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/my-first-ever-concert-smashing-pumpkins.html
4) demo #3 (i did your mom):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/track-3-i-did-your-mom.html
5) demo #4 (neglected):
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/track-4-neglected.html
6) pinkerton review:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/the-new-weezer-record-is-horrible.html
7) demo #5:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/1996/09/good-afternoon-i-have-another-song-for.html
Friday, September 23, 2016
i've had a really off the wall month - i spent this week sick in bed and the week before it trying to work through what passing out in detroit and waking up in a stranger's car actually means. listening left off on the 6th. and, i'm several weeks behind on the alter-reality....
what i'm going to do this morning is catch up on the alter-reality, and i will post those updates here as they come in. i'll then need to finish up all the things i need to finish as quickly as i can finish them.
it's kind of important to me that i'm able to get over this hump and into the next phase by the end of this season. it's going to be tight. very tight. but, this is currently my goal.
the temperature is coming down over the weekend and i can't imagine we'll continue to get these kinds of hot days much further into autumn. so, i should also be able to move back into the other room - which i'm going to need to have filled up again by the summer to avoid this scenario happening again.
one thing at a time. alter-reality. real-life shit. then, back to listening. and on to finalizing my second record.
what i'm going to do this morning is catch up on the alter-reality, and i will post those updates here as they come in. i'll then need to finish up all the things i need to finish as quickly as i can finish them.
it's kind of important to me that i'm able to get over this hump and into the next phase by the end of this season. it's going to be tight. very tight. but, this is currently my goal.
the temperature is coming down over the weekend and i can't imagine we'll continue to get these kinds of hot days much further into autumn. so, i should also be able to move back into the other room - which i'm going to need to have filled up again by the summer to avoid this scenario happening again.
one thing at a time. alter-reality. real-life shit. then, back to listening. and on to finalizing my second record.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Friday, September 16, 2016
i had the view count disabled...
57,000? what?
i have 4,000 views on youtube, guys. that's a pretty dramatic difference. you know i have a youtube page, right?
or a bandcamp site? in the description. pinned, even.
i got about 250,000 views with my dtk account over roughly two years (and 40,000 views on youtube). i've got 50,000 k here in almost a year, but only 4,000 views on youtube. that's half as much traffic, but a tenth of the views.
i get that my vlogs may be less interesting than my music. but, i want you to go to bandcamp to listen. youtube is useless to me, as a musician.
i'm more curious about why i have 60,000 views. what are people coming here for? the political analysis?
ok, you guys know these are only sketches, right? that the real political analysis is in the videos, right? i'm not just reading things verbatim. that is where i have the really interesting discussions of things, not here.
but, on another note? you could try interacting a little bit. i don't bite. well, at least not unless you ask.
(i actually do bite :P)
no, really. 60,000 views but no comments? c'mon. let me know who you are....
i mean, i suppose i could starting posting videos here, but that would be kind of silly, wouldn't it? every day, guys. 12:30 am...
57,000? what?
i have 4,000 views on youtube, guys. that's a pretty dramatic difference. you know i have a youtube page, right?
or a bandcamp site? in the description. pinned, even.
i got about 250,000 views with my dtk account over roughly two years (and 40,000 views on youtube). i've got 50,000 k here in almost a year, but only 4,000 views on youtube. that's half as much traffic, but a tenth of the views.
i get that my vlogs may be less interesting than my music. but, i want you to go to bandcamp to listen. youtube is useless to me, as a musician.
i'm more curious about why i have 60,000 views. what are people coming here for? the political analysis?
ok, you guys know these are only sketches, right? that the real political analysis is in the videos, right? i'm not just reading things verbatim. that is where i have the really interesting discussions of things, not here.
but, on another note? you could try interacting a little bit. i don't bite. well, at least not unless you ask.
(i actually do bite :P)
no, really. 60,000 views but no comments? c'mon. let me know who you are....
i mean, i suppose i could starting posting videos here, but that would be kind of silly, wouldn't it? every day, guys. 12:30 am...
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
a quick concert turned into a night of drinking (got a little paranoid walking home...)
there's really no meaningful review, here. i showed up a few minutes before they came on at the bar down the street, and they did a short set that was similar (if not identical) to the one i had seen a few months previously.
the reason i showed up on this night was more to send a message to the bar that this kind of music can bring in a crowd. the bar was far more lively than most shows i see there. unfortunately, most of that crowd left as they were playing.
i hadn't been out for a while, though, so i turned around from going home and instead found myself at a karaoke bar, where i ended up drinking too much.
the band suffered from a lack of monitors, and was clearly just trying to get through the set and move on. this is a very small bar, as you can see.
here is some footage from the show:
here is a full set from earlier in the year:
here is the vlog for the day:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2016/09/07.html
the reason i showed up on this night was more to send a message to the bar that this kind of music can bring in a crowd. the bar was far more lively than most shows i see there. unfortunately, most of that crowd left as they were playing.
i hadn't been out for a while, though, so i turned around from going home and instead found myself at a karaoke bar, where i ended up drinking too much.
the band suffered from a lack of monitors, and was clearly just trying to get through the set and move on. this is a very small bar, as you can see.
here is some footage from the show:
here is a full set from earlier in the year:
here is the vlog for the day:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2016/09/07.html
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
yeah.
i've decided to finally get rid of my testicles. if i can. this is not the sex change operation, which i simply don't want to do out of sequence. it would be done by now if i could find a way to fund electrolysis, but that will likely remain impossible for the foreseeable future. i just think it's crazy to try and get a full sex change while i'm still growing chin hair. and, there's a bureaucracy in canada that is actually unnecessarily restrictive - the process takes forever and rejects a lot of candidates. i wouldn't expect to be approved pre-electrolysis. but, i can't fund the electrolysis until i'm post-op. catch-22. the rational procedure is to go on hormones for a while, get the hair removal done and then get the testicles removed with the sex change. i'm just stuck at the hormone stage for financial reasons.
but, i'm getting restless. i see no conceivable way to fund the hair removal. and, i've just been on pause, waiting, for too long. i need a way forward.
the thing is that i may be able to get the testicle removal done under ohip. i don't know yet. it's ambiguous. but, if it's conceivable, i should do it. it's a next step that could be very positive.
why now?
what i'm noticing over the last four or five days (it's been building for the last few months....) is that i'm in need of a boost in dosage for the anti-androgens. this is after i just boosted my estrogen a few months ago. i'm getting to the point where dosage boosts may begin to get dangerous. and then what?
i think i should acknowledge that i have a choice: i can boost the anti-androgens (and keep up this arms war with my body), or i can just get my testicles taken out.
if i can do the latter, i should notice a lot of positive benefits:
1) i can go off the anti-androgens altogether.
2) reduced hair growth.
3) because the estrogen i take orally will no longer be fighting with the testosterone i produce naturally, it should be more effective.
i probably should have done this years ago. but, i figured i would eventually find a way to fund hair removal and do this in the usual order. and, the testosterone suppressors were working. they're starting to fade, and i don't want to just keep boosting dosages, so i need to take a different approach.
i'm going to have to talk to some doctors.
my argument is going to be that it's a path of least harm. and, i'll have to hope that they can find a way to get it covered.
fwiw, i have no interest in kids. that has little to do with gender identity - i made that choice when i was about 12. somebody talked me into freezing sperm once, but i don't even know if it's still in the freezer. or even care.
actually, it was that doctor in ottawa that got shut down for handing out the wrong sperm. so, i may have kids out there after all.
but, i'm just not remotely interested in spending any time at all with anybody under the age of 15 for any reason. sorry.
i've decided to finally get rid of my testicles. if i can. this is not the sex change operation, which i simply don't want to do out of sequence. it would be done by now if i could find a way to fund electrolysis, but that will likely remain impossible for the foreseeable future. i just think it's crazy to try and get a full sex change while i'm still growing chin hair. and, there's a bureaucracy in canada that is actually unnecessarily restrictive - the process takes forever and rejects a lot of candidates. i wouldn't expect to be approved pre-electrolysis. but, i can't fund the electrolysis until i'm post-op. catch-22. the rational procedure is to go on hormones for a while, get the hair removal done and then get the testicles removed with the sex change. i'm just stuck at the hormone stage for financial reasons.
but, i'm getting restless. i see no conceivable way to fund the hair removal. and, i've just been on pause, waiting, for too long. i need a way forward.
the thing is that i may be able to get the testicle removal done under ohip. i don't know yet. it's ambiguous. but, if it's conceivable, i should do it. it's a next step that could be very positive.
why now?
what i'm noticing over the last four or five days (it's been building for the last few months....) is that i'm in need of a boost in dosage for the anti-androgens. this is after i just boosted my estrogen a few months ago. i'm getting to the point where dosage boosts may begin to get dangerous. and then what?
i think i should acknowledge that i have a choice: i can boost the anti-androgens (and keep up this arms war with my body), or i can just get my testicles taken out.
if i can do the latter, i should notice a lot of positive benefits:
1) i can go off the anti-androgens altogether.
2) reduced hair growth.
3) because the estrogen i take orally will no longer be fighting with the testosterone i produce naturally, it should be more effective.
i probably should have done this years ago. but, i figured i would eventually find a way to fund hair removal and do this in the usual order. and, the testosterone suppressors were working. they're starting to fade, and i don't want to just keep boosting dosages, so i need to take a different approach.
i'm going to have to talk to some doctors.
my argument is going to be that it's a path of least harm. and, i'll have to hope that they can find a way to get it covered.
fwiw, i have no interest in kids. that has little to do with gender identity - i made that choice when i was about 12. somebody talked me into freezing sperm once, but i don't even know if it's still in the freezer. or even care.
actually, it was that doctor in ottawa that got shut down for handing out the wrong sperm. so, i may have kids out there after all.
but, i'm just not remotely interested in spending any time at all with anybody under the age of 15 for any reason. sorry.
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