a strange inversion around a small joy formidable show in ferndale

so, i got out of the house a little late - it wasn't initially a cause for strict concern, and there was a bus waiting for me at the stop. score. but, i was a little surprised by how full it was. in the fifty or so times i've taken the bus over to detroit, this was the first time i had to stand. the bus was just packed with young females, and i kind of wondered where they were going but was really more concerned about what effect this would have on customs...

had i been allowed to just walk through, it would have been nothing. but, this request was denied (itself unusual), which had me stand on the bus for an extra twenty minutes. i was literally getting off at the first stop, meaning they had me sit there on the bus for twenty minutes to take the bus about 100 yards. it's just another example of the absolute absurdity they have people go through at the borders for reasons of political bullshit. one day, we'll get together and abolish this border altogether. we'll send the cops home without pay. there will be parties in the streets. until that day comes...

the end result was that i missed the bus, and nearly missed the bus after that. it was about a half hour delay, altogether - and absolutely needlessly.

--

i then got stuck in traffic in detroit, also for the first time. how is that possible? well, i suppose it was an earlier show than i'm used to. there's also continuing construction in detroit, which had me take some weird detours i hadn't taken before.

i ended up at the bus station around 8:00, which was doors. i was intending to be there closer to 7:00, to get to the venue for doors - because i wasn't sure what kind of crowd this band could generate in a city like detroit. i knew it was a smaller venue than i might expect. was that a good guess on turnout or a poor booking choice?

--

the opening band started playing as soon as i walked in. i'm not going to say a lot about them, other than that they didn't impress me at all. which is not to say they were terrible, just painfully generic. kind of like an uninspired cure. or the smiths. which is basically the same thing.

(in the background, shots can be heard)

there was an unusually short wait between sets. or, at least it felt that way. i'd guess they were on around 9:15. i got out of the venue a little after 11:00 - so we got a nice long set. i have to admit i was expecting that, but it's also not at all like the kind show i'd usual go to so it was a nice change.

the set was a mix of the expected and the unexpected. some of the tracks were identical to the versions on the record (and included things like sampled strings, which is forgivable - one would hardly expect them to bring an orchestra, if the strings were ever even live in the first place, and why would they be nowadays?), whereas others had rather substantial rearrangements including instrumentation and tempo shifts. the lead singer at one point remarked that if they were going to play the record as it was, you'd might as well stay home and listen to it in your room. i'm not sure i agree that i'd might as well have stayed home, but i appreciate the switch-up nonetheless.

they even came down into the floor of the audience for a short, totally unplugged (no mics) acoustic set. this only worked because the venue was so small, and the crowd was so sparse. i certainly didn't have any trouble getting in; i've learned that detroit is very american-centric across the board, so it wasn't a surprise that the crowd for a welsh band was underwhelming. the scale, however, hit me off guard. in truth, they could have played a much smaller room.

...except they couldn't have, because we would have all walked out with bleeding ears. this was about as small a space as a band like this can play without compromising the dynamics. you might think the smaller room, the better but you'd be wrong. i saw loma prieta in a closet once, and it was the perfect space because the sound caved in on itself. this band isn't like that; it needs a little air. the volume wants closer walls, yes, but the ambience wants you to open the room.

as this band is from wales, this tour may be the only chance you get to see them in an actual venue. i don't doubt they'll come back, but they tend to play open-air festivals. there's reasons for this that are very tactical, and i'm sure it's a fun experience. but, i'd argue that the ideal is seeing them in a closed room for the reasons i've mentioned.

i do, however, have to critique the setlist a little. they seemed overly focused on album tracks. they even played a b-side (which is the track i caught, here). that meant that they dropped a lot of the harder hitting, single-type tracks that seemed like they were written to play live. i'm not sure what they were thinking there. it could have been venue specific. but, i'm not sure that logic really holds. if you write a song to play live, that song is going to be even more powerful in a small space than it is in a big space.

that's a minor criticism, though. like i say - you should get out to see them while you can because i think there's a pretty high chance that they'll never do anything like this ever again.

here is a full set:

i explain in the day's vlog that the commotion in downtown detroit was a beyonce concert:

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2016/06/14.html

skipped shows

i intended to catch this at mocad last night, but my schedule didn't co-operate and i ended up falling asleep instead.

i must also admit that i didn't want to take the bus with the fucking guns 'n' roses fans.

actually, i should point out that i skipped the screaming females on tuesday as well, but it was very conscious - i know they only play half hour sets, and they're touring right now with three other bands, all of which are terrible. so, i'd have to go all the way to ferndale, suffer through three shitty sets and then get rewarded by having to spend the night in the dunkin' donuts, because i'd have missed the bus.

i will (and have) get stuck overnight if it's worth it. the show didn't strike me as worth it.

i would like to publicly request that the band drop the facade that they're still some unknown punk band from jersey or something and just do a real tour already. nobody's going to get bored if you do an hour set. promise.

i've been awake, but i haven't been awake. i am now. i'll be turning the machine back on within minutes....

i ended up crashing before i got any listening done, but i at least got a good amount of sleep. i sleep much better when it's warm and humid. but, i woke up to a frequent frustrating reality: it was cold in here. again...

i've had the heat turned up to 28 now for a few hours, with the windows closed to keep the heat in. this is a terrible solution, though, because it makes it so dry in here.

there was a positive signal tonight, though: flickering lights. that indicates that the circuit might be on the brink. if i can get the line to blow, the day or two it takes to fix it might be enough for me to win this fight for the whole summer.

it's not that i need it at 28. i'd be happy with it at 25, if the machine wasn't sucking all the humidity out of the air. 25 and mildly humid is roughly equivalent to 28 and dangerously dry. so, if i can get the air off for a few days and rebuild the humidity in here, that could be enough to have the heat off until september, anyways. it's just that we never got a chance this year because the turnover was so immediate.

it's just a few more hours before i can get the windows wide open and hopefully get the humidity back up. right now, i need to get something to eat. i'll be doing finally listening on demo #1 this afternoon, once i'm fed.

well, i think i found a bed bug

i'm not an entomologist, but it looks like one to me.

i have it in a ziploc bag in the freezer.

a few things.

1) i have no physical signs of bites, and no reason to think the bugs have been downstairs for a long period.
2) i have no proposed source.
3) so, they would have to have migrated from upstairs to downstairs - and i think the totality of evidence makes that obvious.

there's a non-trivial possibility that it's some other kind of bug. again: i'm no entomologist. but, it does certainly look like one to me.

i have no requests for action in the basement. again: i have not been bit. but, if you required evidence for action upstairs then i may have it for you.

(pause)

the only other thing i can think of is that it might be booklice.

fwiw, i found it walking on the hallway floor - nowhere near the bed.

anyways - i don't have bites. i can't complain if i don't have bites! but if you need evidence for upstairs, i may have some.

or, if the problem from upstairs has become more obvious over the last little while, it may be spreading.

(pause)

on second thought, i saw a second bug this morning and i think it's not a bed bug but a roach nymph. i'll hang on to the body for a few days.

that would be more consistent with what i've noticed down here.

i've checked my body carefully - still no signs of bites.

j

20/21-06-2016: thoughts on inri000, and other things (markets, keystone)

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-cassette-demo-1
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1

yeah, i gave it a really good listen and it seemed to settle down and then break up again - but i'm not certain it's interference, as it could be the sound isolation. when i remastered this, i put it through a lot of reverb to compensate for the mp3 compression (that's what mp3s destroy. sort of. i claim that functional lossless audio over convolution reverb is possible, but probably not useful). when it gets messy, it seems to be too much reverb. but, i mastered with my trusty 440-IIs.

the truth is that the degradation i'm hearing is what i expect to hear. i'm just a little weirded out by what seems like a lack of consistency.

i'm going for round two of my daily meal. i needed a boost in calories; the way it's working out is that i make myself these pasta dishes and need two tries to finish it. so, i'm eating twice daily instead of once daily. i think that's a good thing, actually.

i'll turn the pc on when i get back, and probably get a good listen through the mixer and the 440-IIs before i crash. but, i actually remastered this over the m-audio card (which is currently not installed). we'll have to see how it sounds.

i do expect that the phones are the dominant factor and it should be fine once i get enough volume through a flat signal.

these phones really need a strong signal to open up the sound. i think that is the biggest issue with them. even with the laptop at full output, it still sounds distant - although it's a little clearer through the laptop, with a loss of saturation on the bass (which may actually be because the source is flac rather than mp3 - the compression may be beneficial).

i haven't turned the pc on yet. i'd normally have an amplifier in the signal chain, but, for now, the mixer will have to do.

and, the mixer has ponies. i do not doubt this. i'll have to see how obvious it is. but, that is what i'm doing, right now.

19-06-2016: information overload

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/inri-cassette-demo-1
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1

i just got through the first listen: mp3 player & new sennheisers.

there's some parts of this record/demo that i just can't stomach, but i know that they're actually some of the most powerful parts. in hindsight, i can see that this demo exists in a really rare space. if it finds the right audience, it could end up deeply seminal; even as it foreshadows a strain of emo that i never found myself interested in, it takes it to a level that never really existed. it's more like some kind of zappaesque take on early swans - really brutal in a way, but kind of a joke at the same time. i kind of feel like i accidentally invented hipster culture, out of no intent at all.

in fact, i was just a kid, and i was doing what kids do: i was emulating what i heard. my favourite bands. kids at school. even my parents. there are moments of utter originality, in fact total idiosyncrasy - you can hear it's me, if you know my work. but, there are also moments of total copyright infringement.

a part of me would love to put this up as a cassette for sale, but i just don't think it would be legal. downloads still have magic to me. they're still not quite real. i bet younger people don't see it that way, but that separation is the only thing i have to justify selling it at all.

i may crack one day. but, how does it sound?

the device isn't sending the signal out at a high enough volume for the phones, but that's something i'm already aware of. i need a pair of lower impedance phones for the device. it also sounds a little compressed - but it is a little compressed (320 kbps mp3). the bass sounds excellent, but these are also bass heavy phones. which is to say that it sounds how i would and should have expected it to sound through that setup.

i didn't fall asleep, but it was only because i was hungry. i'm going to finish my leftovers and then get some rest. i'm yawning. it should be some real sleep.

i'm going to want to try it uncompressed through the laptop when i wake up. i need to be clear: the demos cannot and will not be altered. these are finalized. the source is what it is. i'm more setting a base line and getting my ears retrained.

so, i won't be able to permanently close anything until the twenty-year anniversary of it. which, i actually kind of like.

so, if i date my first record to june, 1998 then i can permanently close it in june, 2018.

that means this demo won't permanently close until christmas. but, that i can musically finalize it today or tomorrow.

new algorithms are always tricky at first, but they clarify themselves. right now, i just need to it and listen for an hour or two.

i've kind of lost track of time. i wanted to get some listening done last night, but i napped a few times; now, i feel like i should be tired, but i'm not. i thought my mp3 player was charged, but it isn't - or maybe it was, but it lost charge to the air. it's charging.

i can't shake the feeling that i'm going to fall asleep as soon as i put the phones on, but it's what i need to be doing next. in the meantime, vlogs are uploading.

the information overload is still dramatic. i want to push through and close all these releases, but i can't find the way to do it that makes the most sense. i'm going to have to turn my pc back on tonight, once the temperature comes down a little outside and i can turn the heat off because the air conditioner upstairs turns down. then, the pc will start to throw off heat on it's own. i'm stuck in a strange reality where the hotter it is outside, the higher i have to turn up the heat to fight the a/c. i don't know what he did up there over the winter, but it's pulling air out of here a lot more violently than last year. did he remove a part of the floor? put in a heat pump? i can hear something churning up there, but i don't know exactly what it is. whatever he did wasn't thought through well. to begin with, it was done in absolute contempt for my own desires - he's obviously trying to alter the temperature down here. there was no consultation. the reality is that i have the legal right to demand that he turn the air down, but i'd rather do this by hitting his pocket book. in the end, he's going to have to pay for it through a ridiculous hydro bill. i'm still hoping to ultimately outlast him and nailing him on the hydro actually might drive him out. i mean, if i force him to turn the air down, he's still up there until he keels over; if i fuck him over on the utility bill, he may have to move out before then. i think it's the only real way to resolve this.

but, with the writing, i kind of feel like i'm reaching for a switch in the dark sort of thing. for example: this post, here, on this page, will eventually find itself into the liner notes for inri000. and, you know what? in typing that statement, i think i've finally convinced myself that i have no choice but to wait until i close the period. even ignoring the alter-reality, this can't make sense, otherwise.

my work flow needs to be something like this:

1) republish all the music in the releases from 1996-2000.
2) reorganize all the source files & rebuild the aleph-disc.
3) then reconstruct all the liner notes from the aleph-disc, and put them into the source disk.

the mp3 player is charged. here i go....

so, here's a strange twist.

i walked down this path that's kept me a year behind because i wanted to finish the aleph-0 disc. now, because i'm narrating the alter-reality, i can't actually finish it.

i've made the decision to wait and ship the aleph discs along with the alter-reality. that means that aleph-0 will not be available until 2020, aleph-1 until 2021, & etc.

i'm going to build the discs in the mean time, and i may even end up changing my mind. but, i don't like the idea of constantly adding data to the disc if it's for sale. i want to close it before i offer it.

who buys physical media nowadays, anyways, right? it's more of an archival thing.

so, for now, there will not be aleph discs for sale for the near future.

well....actually, i'll have mp3 and flac discs. i just won't have period discs. those will be staggered.

yeah. ok.

so, i got the first demo reposted to facebook. now, i'm going to need to

1) get all of the data mirrored in the word document.
2) listen to it on every device i have at least once to make sure it's final (the cassette demos are basically inalterable, but still...)

once that's done, i can close the demo.

this may be overkill for the first two demos, as there's essentially no chance i'm going to alter them. however, i want to get the process of rebuilding my machine back in order, which means turning it on.

i had so much order up until about a year ago when everything fell apart. i can rebuild this. it's just going to take me some time.

information overload....

what i'm feeling right now is just total information overload, so i just need to take a step back and work through everything slowly.

task one needs to be to republish period 1 over bandcamp, and then rebuild the aleph-0 disc once it's done.

18-06-2016: beginning the process of reconstruction (but vlog does not reflect...)

tracks worked on in this vlog:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/period-1

introductory "migrating to blog spot" post

this is the new music journal, and we'll be starting from here forwards - this page will not repeat the past. old journal posts will be available on the aleph discs as they come up, and in the alter-reality, albeit very slowly. for the short run, i'll be posting all other rants here, too, but i'm sure i'll find another space for things in time. i just don't want to set up a space for rants right now because i don't really want to be ranting.

this page has an rss feed. i don't know what kind of feed aggregators exist at this point in time, but i think that this has to be the future of notification software. i know that i'm going to be hurting myself by getting off of social media, but i think you should look at me as leading the way, here. i just can't deal with facebook anymore; it's a horrific platform. as users, we should be looking to diversify the platforms we use, and we should be looking for tools that make it easier to diversify the platforms.

that said, let us begin this journal with a listing of ways that you can continue to follow me through different platforms.

1) the alter-reality.

over the next few months, i will be beginning to post heavily to the alter-reality. it is twenty years ago, today, in the alter-reality. this means i am twenty years younger than i am today. the idea is that i'll be blogging my life, as i remember it, from the perspective of twenty years previous. right now, that makes me 15 years old in the alter-reality. the reason i'm doing this is that i have a lot of music to re-release, and there's a certain logic in watching it unfold in real time. so, the first demos from the alter-reality will begin to be published in september, 1996.

the alter-reality will be narrated primarily through it's own blog:
http://therealinri.blogspot.ca/

these demos will be hosted on their own bandcamp sites, which will shift along with my pseudonyms. the first pseudonym will be 'inri', and the first bandcamp archive will be here:
https://jnrj.bandcamp.com/

the alter-reality will also have a youtube site & associated google+ page for comments:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXlH5Ds5mqClkdAUFJwQCNQ

remember: it's always twenty years previous to today in the alter-reality. so, all youtube comments will reflect this.

i will also need a facebook page, whether i like it or not:
https://www.facebook.com/inri-1719120681676528/

all remaining facebook communication will be sporadic, and i hope to be able to phase it out altogether in time.

2) current reality

my main focus right now remains on finishing my discography, and i will be getting back to an active phase of this almost immediately.

my main bandcamp archive remains in the same place it's always been, which is here:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/

the page is currently stripped down, but will be rebuilt and republished over the next few weeks.

this journal is replacing my facebook music page because it just became impossible to use. however, i will continue to use that page as a timeline and post completed works to it. you could consider it an announce list.
https://www.facebook.com/jessicaambermurray

my personal facebook page is being used as a sort of a social cv.
i do not accept friend requests, but you can follow me.
https://www.facebook.com/dfhdhfghjgjkgjkka

soundcloud has a very limited use to me because it is a paid site. you're supposed to pay me, guys. they've got this all backwards. but, i do use it to hold rough demos.
https://soundcloud.com/deathtokoalas

my vlogging will continue here, including vlogs about music production:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCinQSeEtF0vSN1XVhQGfwKA

you could also follow me on google+ for posts about the vlogs, mostly:
https://plus.google.com/u/0/b/108929126523080872678/108929126523080872678

3)  review sites

this is my main site, but it is currently in very bad shape and will no doubt remain that way until i get done the discography:
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/

i will eventually shift into music reviews, and i have a profile set up for that eventuality:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0re8yuNEZyCde7CQpK0QNw

4) dead sites

don't tell the koala central command where to find me!
https://www.youtube.com/user/deathtokoalas

this is the only twitter site i've ever created, and i've never made any use of it.
all other twitter sites are run by imposters - they are not me.
and, frankly, that shouldn't be hard to guess, either.
https://twitter.com/dgkfgjklgjkgjka

the rebuild begins today.

07. beginning the summer of final reconstructions (dvd 7)

j reacts to the idea of cancelling tax credits to incentivize the disabled to work

it seems like they're going to cancel my tax credits this year, which means i'm not going to have as much spending money. it is not a rational incentive for anything at all, and it will not make any difference in my loan repayment.

my loan is upwards of $60,000 and it's growing, yearly, due to interest. i have not made a payment on the loan since 2008. i will be on disability for the rest of my life; the chances of a single payment on the loan, let alone full repayment of it, are 0%.

i need to reiterate: there is a zero percent chance that i will ever make a payment on the loan. ever.

i have been transparent with the system about this. the system agrees that i am permanently disabled, but disagrees that i am severely permanently disabled.

i made the choice a few months ago that continuing to fill out forms, only to have them rejected and then be asked to fill them out again, was simply not worth my time. i hate doctors. i've had enough of convincing the doctors to fill out the forms, then having the forms rejected and then having another department ask me to send the same forms.

the math here is not debatable; the system is just being incompetent. i receive $13320/year from disability payments, and pay $7920 of that out for rent - leaving me with $5400/year to pay for all other expenses, including food. that's $450/month. i have no further source of income.

the minimum payments on my student loan are $1400/month, most of which is interest. the trillium benefit, which they are going to hold, is around $60/month.

there is obviously no logic in reducing my income by $60/month to pay off a student loan, when the same student loan is charging me $1000/month in interest and i have been transparent that i am medically unable to work.

but, i just don't have the energy to fight the system any further. they can keep their $60/month - to what aim, nobody knows. even the people on the phone agree that this makes no sense.

the thing that would make sense would be for the government to look at the situation and realize that because i am disabled i can never pay back the loan, and because i am poor i should receive the subsidy. and, in fact, they have done that. but, the situation is supposedly not severe enough.

it's not even a question of severity, in my view. it's just a sadistic policy. that $60/month is useless in paying down my loan. it's about 5% of the monthly interest. it's not even close! but, it means quite a bit to me.

how much to me? well, $60/month is a show or two a month. about a show and a half, really, which means three every two months. that's how it's going to hit me.

i need to reiterate that it's just stupid, calvinist bullshit. it makes no sense as a loan recovery tactic. it only makes sense as a way to punish me for being disabled.

i'm convinced that a big part of the problem is that they have a private company on the collections, and they don't get paid unless they recover something. so, this kafkaesque mess is just a consequence of the decision to privatize collections, which atomizes the decision making process. nobody is looking at the situation from a distance. everybody is making isolated decisions, without talking to each other about it.

so, it may be true that it doesn't make sense to recover $60/month on a $1400/month minimum payment, with over $1000/month of it being interest. that's an obvious default situation - every month that goes by is costing taxpayers money, and withholding my tax refund doesn't help the situation (it just makes it worse, really). but, the company doesn't care. it just wants the $720.

again: that $720 is useless to anybody involved here except me. the only measurable outcome of this policy is that i will have less spending money.

should the situation continue as it is, my loan is just going to spiral out of control. but, i've done my due diligence: i've filled out the forms, i've got the doctor's notes. they decided to reject the documents. what else am i going to do but sit back and watch it grow? you can lead a horse to water...

it's mismanagement on their behalf. i accept no responsibility for the consequences.

in a few years it will be $100,000. it will probably reach $500,000. i'm curious if it can get to $1,000,000.

but, i'm a disabled person for life. i'm a ward of the state. it's just a meaningless number to me. whether i have a $50,000 debt i can never pay back or a $50,000,000 debt i can never pay back is a logically equivalent non-issue.

what's more important to me is the $60/month.

in the long run, the money will no doubt find it's way to me. they can't actually take your money. they can only hold it. eventually, they're going to have to figure out that that's not getting them anywhere and i'll get a cheque for the difference. in the mean time, it means less shows, which means less show vlogs.

a check for $3000 or something could be a new pc, at about the time that the one i've got is getting useless.

i mean, nothing is going to be different five years from now - nothing except the size of the number i'll never be able to pay back.