any tension relief from refraining from coffee is being reversed by struggling to stay awake more than 12 hours. i felt alert around noon, but now i'm a walking zombie. i'm going to let it sit for tonight nonetheless, and likely hit it pretty hard tomorrow.

now that the weather's cleared up, i want to get out to some more shows. part of the point of this was to force myself to hang out in the art spaces of detroit to meet people (which i'm very bad at), but it really seems to be a lot of terrible. i'm going to get out to see some rock shows, though: torche, screaming females, lightning bolt, loma prieta, la dispute...

one thing that became a little clearer as the tension came down a bit was that a part of what's happening is related to the bones. i think there's some chips in there, although it's hard to get to cause and effect. the earliest i remember this happening was after i got a tetanus shot after i smashed my face in when i fell of a bike, in 2005. i'm not pinning anything on the tetanus shot, but it seems that the bones never really healed properly. i don't know if all the tics are chipping it, or if the chips are causing the tic..

i'm glad that the blu-ray install was painless. the plug & play picked it up (never clear with this version of xp that i've hacked into pieces. i can't get it to read my sansa mp3 player consistently, for example. but it seems to be good with drives.), and imgburn knows what to do with a big iso. so, i didn't even have to install any new software. it's kind of like it just worked. how about that. must be a talented tech that set it up that way.

i'm trying to get rid of an expired bottle of peanut butter, but am going to crash shortly. it seemed promising this afternoon. it really did. but it's been a long time since i've been off coffee...

one more day for recovery/detox. i'm going to try to hit torche on friday.....

i literally slept all due tuesday (my legs were too sore for much of anything), and spent most of yesterday immobile but got my eating playlist padded for another few months. that's actually a time consuming process, the way the feeds are designed. it would be nice if you could jump to a specific point in the feed. alas...

my legs are back, at least.

i'm going to spend the next several hours getting information off my politics page. i'll likely only take a dent out of it, but this is a good time for it. i'm basically sick.

as for the effect? well, i'm feeling my perception of time slow down a little. a bit of tension has removed itself from my head and neck, but it still lingers - i think it's still releasing. and i'm more hydrated, which is an all around positive regarding skin and everything else. but the facial ticks have merely slowed down.

i'm sticking with the water. no doubt. but i think i've convinced myself the coffee is not the problem. and i'll consequently likely get back on it and back to work next week. i need a few more days though, to let the tension really wind down....

the tech at long & mcquade's is gone for two weeks, and he charges by the minute, so i'm going to open the thing up and take a good look at it. i'm thinking that if it's close enough to the diagram i'll get a soldering iron and give it a go. otherwise, what i want to do is probably to strip it before i go in, which is going to require a soldering iron either way. that way, he's not charging me for disassembling it....

i picked up the blu-ray drive, though. it's going to need to wait until tomorrow for an install. right now, my feet are killing me. that was a good twenty-five km on foot today...

it's a nice day, taking advantage of it. got some compost dropped off this morning...

the city doesn't accept compost, and i hate throwing it out. what a waste of nutrients. so, i leave it in the freezer until it builds up (it's just fruit cores, egg shells and coffee grinds, split into those three components) and drop it off at this local muslim community group that uses it to grow tomatoes to give to homeless people. that's a useful recycling of material. but fucking capitalism, right? i mean, i'd rather see the city do something like this than a religious group, but it doesn't. you work with what's available.

it means a lengthy walk with a knapsack full of decomposing shit every few months, but it's worth it. it's actually good exercise, and gets me some vitamin d.

i picked up a brita on the way back, as well as a drill set for the shelves i want to build. i was expecting drill sets to be like $150 and that i'd have to improvise to get the shelves in. but it turns out that there are much cheaper options. the drill was $30, and the bits were $10. it's bare bones, but i would have spent that much for a falling apart "fancy" drill at a pawn shop. what i need is stability, not power. just shelves...

the brita is important for the neck experiments i'm doing. i needed coffee for the walk. but i may just be dehydrated. i know - i'm grasping. but, i don't drink *any* water, and i've noticed that increasing my water intake has had positive impacts in the past. i mean, i drink tons of coffee, tons of juice, tons of soy....but no water. the reason is that i'm perpetually iffy about the water out of the tap. so, when i get that set up i expect to notice a positive difference one way or the other. at the least, i can say i've controlled for it when i get to the doctors.

as it's so nice out, i'm going to get a few other things done today. i've got a blu-ray burner waiting for me at the best buy, which i'll need to bus to. i've been waiting for them to come down under $100. this one is $99.99, so, hey. that's my grandmother's christmas present for me, i guess. the track i'm currently working on would require 4 dvds to back up, and that's going to be the norm moving forward into the trivial group material and beyond, so it's time to move to blu-ray for back up.

i'm also going to stop at long & mcquade with my fake strat and see what they're going to charge to resolder it. i took a closer look at it, and it seems like the previous owner mangled the insides up altogether. the switches are not stock. i can follow a diagram and get the logic down and stuff, but i don't want to fuck around with something that's already been fucked with. i only need to fuck up once to fry myself. i doubt many guitarists really realize the kind of current they're dealing with it. playing the electric guitar is actually pretty dangerous. there's some spots in the track i'm working on that would benefit from the skinnier pickups, which was the point in picking up the fake strat. so, it's time to get that fixed...

so, lots of exciting things for the day, for me. even if the rest of the week ends up spent as a zombie...

you know, i'm noticing that deep breathing helps. given the symptoms, i'd find it remarkable to think i'm merely just stressed out. it really seems to be a nervous system issue located primarily in my left ear and working itself down the jawline, neck, shoulders and increasingly into my left arm. but that's why experiments are useful. i'm not doing anything until i get the track done, but i'm going to try devoting a few minutes a day to just sitting and breathing and see what happens.

i've got about a dozen guitar tracks down, but it's taking a long time to mix them because it's a delicate process to avoid disrupting the dynamics that already exist. it's the same basic issue i had when i was working the orchestral parts in, except more complex because now there's more things to not disrupt. the bass distortion is especially delicate, considering i'm mixing in guitar distortion. i mean, i spent a lot of time getting the right grind/roar balance on the bottom end, i'm not about to just plow over it with wanky guitars. really. if you check the track that's already up through a good pair of headphones...i mean it's a fucking *dirty* bass part. and it's really the center of the track. so, i'm dealing with a lot of fades to sneak things in around it. there's plenty of space, it's just that i need to be very careful about it.

i'm just about done the first five minutes, up to when the beats come in. it's going to be a while before it gets done, though...

i'm half expecting the doctor to tell me to cut the coffee out. and i may have to try that experiment to see if it does help. but i'm going to end up sleeping for the next month so i have to wait until i'm done this....

no. fuck it. this is driving me nuts. i'm cutting out coffee for a week. i may become useless over that week, and this may not get done until april. but i have to figure this out before i go in.

i've been hepped up on caffeine for fifteen years. i can't remember the last day i didn't drink at least a pot of coffee. i need to "come down" and see what happens.

see, if i *do* have ms, i can use that for disability. so, i need to do this experiment. and if i don't, like, i want my face to fucking stop spasming....

so, realistically, you can expect this to go quiet for a bit. we'll see. but, as much as i hate the hippie bullshit attached to the term, i need to "detox".

so, i quit smoking for most of february and noticed the dysphagia improved but didn't disappear. i also noticed i was less alert and less productive. as the smoking does not seem to be the cause of the dysphagia, and i wanted to increase my alertness and productivity, i picked smoking back up for the first week of march. while my alertness and productivity did increase, the dysphagia quickly became unbearable. i'm at a breaking point and will stop. i need to eat. but it means i need to deal with the effects of withdrawal this week, which is extreme sleepiness. again. grargh.

i have enough evidence at this point to conclude that i either have ms or cancer. i'm going to have to go to the clinic and have this sorted out, as i know the dysphagia is not going to go away by not smoking. i just want to finish this song first...

there's really only one "easy way out", and it's that i have a massive ear infection. but, i'm grasping at straws.

my perspective about ms is that i can't do anything about it, so why waste the time in a doctor's office? but, it's starting to affect my arm, which affects my playing. if i can get some drugs for that, i'll take them.

i've got several parts down, but i actually spent the morning playing with my aleph releases. i put together an mp3 disc for a psychiatric appointment in the morning [i'll be glad when these are over with....] and realized the plan i had to fill up an mp3 disc with periods 1 & 2 is likely not going to work. too much material. i'll wait until i'm done period 2 (this track i've been working on for three months is the second last track; i thought it would be done by now...) before i figure this out properly.

but i took a good look at what i had and it didn't make a lot of sense. i had a bunch of dvd-audio comps up that, in hindsight, seem foolish given that i can fit more on a flac disc. i also had all these box sets up that were just unsellable due to shipping costs...

so, i've cut the aleph releases down considerably by focusing on two specific kind of flac discs. one is the period discs, which will necessarily have some overlap. it's by design, because they're meant to be self-contained. but they're $100 each, so i wanted to find a way for people to go this route without double paying. i've filled that out by condensing the box sets into single $50 flac discs, which cut the shipping down dramatically. it's now down to five aleph releases - three box sets, and two period discs. but, i should hopefully have a third period disc and three more box sets up within a few more weeks. i need to stop projecting things regarding time, as i never hit the deadlines.

so, these are the new aleph options...

aleph zero is a box set - earliest demoes. inri001-inri012. i need this to provide an option to not double pay for inri013-inri023.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/inri-box-set

aleph one is also a box set, combining the later [more psych-oriented] inri releases with the deny everything singles. inri013-inri023.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/deny-everything-box-set-2

aleph two is the first period disc, which is precisely the first two box sets. it was easily split. the second period is not so easily split.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-1

aleph three is the first period 2 disc. i'm going to actually need two dvds for period 2, no matter how i break it down, so i've taken it to it's maximum extent. it's going to be a while before volume 2 comes up, but when it does it will close period 2. and, yes, there will be overlap with period 3.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-21

....and aleph four is a box set, collecting the singles from the first jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj album onto one 7.5 hour long dvd.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj-box-set-2

there's going to be overlap with the periods, but i'm going to avoid overlap with the box sets and create the box sets in such a way that you can get around the overlaps with the periods by strategically subbing in box sets. so, for example, for right now, you could get the complete discography (up to inri033) by combining the inri box set and the period 2.1 disc.

the one exception will be the rabit is wolf box set, which is just a different animal.

so, the next box sets coming up will be for j^2, rabit, trivial group and ftaa.

for the mp3 discs, i intend there to be no overlap. but you have to keep in mind that the mp3 discs are going to be $200 each so it's a strong incentive. and, then there will be blu-ray discs at $500 for flac and $1000 for mp3.

well, what *should* 25 gb of flacs cost? think about it. that's like 75 hours of music. if you guesstimate that to around 75 hour-length cds, you're looking at $6.67/disc. keeping in mind that most discs are less than an hour, it's more like $5/disc.

i mean, consider the reality: if i'm to have a fanbase (and i know i don't really now....) with this much music, full discography torrents are going to exist. i've downloaded more than a couple myself. so, apply bootleg logic.

bootleg logic?

well, bands often don't care if you tape and trade, it's the people that press and sell the shows that piss them off because that's when it starts taking money away from them. the best way to avoid that is to press and sell your own concerts. i mean, if you're a fan, and you're buying the bootleg, you'd think you'd rather support the artist than some dude down the road.

so, i think presenting the option is about the best approach. people want it, there it is.

the price tag is really just a reality check on what it is that you're actually doing.

but, i've been over this before. music sales are down across the board. ok. that means that prices have to increase to make up for it. instead of mass producing something and selling it to thousands of people, artists need to get their heads around hand producing things and selling them to a smaller number of people at higher prices. the product shifts from a cheap commodity to a valuable scarcity.

what i'm selling at this point is the number on the disc. the digital files are basically free. but "copy 7 of a limited edition run" is valuable to the collector - both in terms of emotional attachment and in terms of resale value.

consumers might not realize that yet, but collectors have known it for years.

i learned a few days ago that slow riot for new zero kanada has been ranked as the greatest ep ever on aggregate. it was fifteen years ago, but, today, my beat to shit original pressing - that i bought out of aidan girt's hand on the actual slow riot tour itself - has more value than the version that's on the shelf at walmart. and, that's what collectors strive for when they buy records by obscure composers on bandcamp.

boss sd-1

this pedal isn't something you want to use on it's lonesome....unless you really wanted that basic ac/dc sound, in which case, honestly, just tell your neighbours to fuck off and turn the amp up...offer the cops a beer when they show up...that's how you do ac/dc right...

but, it's a basic necessity in several genres to start off with. best basic tone going....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpvyfdOJMpk

guyatone sustainer distortion

i adore this little box...it works best driving a tube, though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GT6cWUd7YCA

this is the first time i've got to use my favourite guitar tone since i set my gear back up last year.

it's a two-humbucker guitar [the black one in the cover photo - it's a weird creature, sort of shaped like a two humbucker strat, but it's actually heavier than an sg (not as heavy as a paul) and has what seems to be a coronet neck on it] through the following chain:

eh linear power booster ---> guyatone sustainer distortion ---> boss sd-1 ---> art tube pre-amp ---> pod [roland jazz amp-->chorus-->delay--->reverb]

i use the power booster because the pickups are a little weak. but i actually like the weaker pickups for rhythm playing. it's more flexible to be able to just turn them up....

it's a smooth, distorted sustain sound. most of it's easy to find and pretty common, but that sustainer/distortion is out of production. it's a tasty little box, though.

i've been thinking about what the doctor told me the last time i was in, though, and i think it's both correct and sort of reflective of the reality of the situation, which is that a psychological disability is really defined by whether you decide to have one or not. it's kind of justifying my tactics, actually. i'm not talking about physical limiting factors or something like down's syndrome, i'm talking about depression or personality disorders...

it's been remarked more than once that the society we live in is a psychopathic society, defined by antisocial social relations. you really can't get ahead unless you *do* have a personality disorder.

but what he told me was that it's pretty rare to see a psychiatrist for more than a few minutes, and most of them provide instant diagnosis. which produced ridicule from me. if you know me, you can imagine my response. are they magicians? medicine men? healers? what the fuck?

here's a good example of this. i'm looking through the review i picked up last week. it indicated i wasn't experiencing a loss of appetite, which implicitly suggested that i'm not all that depressed. but, that's such a hokey analysis. i'm actually the kind of person that assigns a lot of value to being thin (i don't tend to judge others by their weight, but it's important to me that i don't gain weight) and is fairly careful about how much i eat in order to ensure that i don't gain weight. i'm not like on a regimented diet or anything, and i don't tend to starve myself, but i'll routinely skip a day if i have a big meal. i consequently wouldn't associate a loss of appetite with depression, i'd associate it with forward-thinking - it would mean i'm looking forward to something. i'd actually associate over-eating with depression. stuffing my face would be not giving a fuck; eating less would be altering my figure for a future purpose.

the point i'm getting at isn't that one analysis is inherently superior to the other. certainly, a loss of appetite is going to be a negative indicator for some people. what i'm getting at is that it's not the kind of thing you can arrive at through talking to somebody for an hour. and, what's worse is that i wouldn't even expect an uneducated fool to be confused on this point. it's in the realm of common sense. how we can have doctors that are willing to jump to such specious deductions with such a deficit of evidence is befuddling to me.

i initially assumed my initial diagnosis was haphazard. but, i'm starting to realize it's not the case. my initial diagnosis was no less rigorous than what i'm coming up against, and consequently no less valid. and, as a result, i don't see anything wrong with pushing buttons until i get what i want - because it's ultimately all just a lot of bullshit, anyways.

on second thought, the overdub mix isn't worthwhile. so, i'm finally starting on the guitar concerto after supper...

i have a number of formed ideas and a number of abstract ones. i'll have to see how this goes. it could take anywhere from a day to a month to finish.

so, spring cleaning today.

i'm going to do a quick overdub mix when that's done, and then get on to the guitars later tonight.

untitled (originally intended mix)

this is the mix that i intended to complete when i sat down to reinterpret the piece at the end of last year (2014), and will form the basis of the final guitar concerto. mix finalized march 9, 2015.

http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/untitled-originally-intended-mix

so, i'm finally just about done this. i'm just setting final levels. it'll be up late tonight or early tomorrow.

this is the cubase breakdown of just the orchestrations. you can see it's been a slow process of cutting up sections and mixing them in as overdubs.

i have a "modern pc", but it's almost ten years old now and it's starting to show a few limitations. i use an old version of cubase (sx 3) to minimize ram requirements. even so, it starts to lock up when it gets to a certain point. now, it's a fargone point - 100 tracks, or maybe 50 with heavy plugin use. so, it takes a lot of tracks to lock up. but i'm routinely pushing things to their limits in terms of sound saturation right now, and getting to that point on almost every song.

this piece is at almost 200 tracks now, which is just too much. so, i've had to put a temporary mix down to get the orchestral parts in. i'm then going to have to bounce this down and import it into the original project. it's a little bit space intensive, but i've got plenty of hard drive space, and it'll all get moved to dvd in the long run anyways.

but, you can see how time intensive this was. i'm glad to get past it. as mentioned, the rss feed will update in the next 12-24 hours. and, i'm on to converting it into a guitar concerto starting tomorrow...

serious progress on this. i have one more section to arrange and mix. it could be done by monday, but no promises. it's kind of what i want, though, so i can dedicate the entirety of next week to guitar parts and then finally move on...

closer. i'm mostly done the arrangement, so it's mostly just setting levels now. but i've been sleeping a lot since i quit smoking. if that doesn't lift, i'm going to have to go back to smoking. moving from 4 hour sleeps to ten hour sleeps is hugely negative.

at this point, i really don't want to be smoking anymore, so i'm really hoping that my body is able to adjust in getting me out of this horrible normalcy.

but i'd rather live to 40 with four hour sleeps than live to 70 with ten hour sleeps. if it's going to give me back 4, 5, 6 hours a day, it's a valid trade-off.

the weather is just about to turn, so i'm really hoping i get a jolt of energy soon. like, tomorrow. otherwise, i'm going to be very tempted.

the reason i started smoking in the first place was for it's properties as a stimulant. coffee wasn't working. but i was pushing myself to 40 hour days as i was working multiple jobs. i don't need quite that much. but i can't handle the absurdly short 15 hour days i've been living recently. it's just too short. i'm not productive. i need to be sleeping about half as much as i have been the last month or so.

coffee is like water to me. i need it to stay "normal". in a sense, i know it's withdrawal, but if it doesn't lift soon then it's just not worth it.

closing down the scratch pad

i set up the scratchpad as a sarcastic reaction to some requests for collaboration.

as i've received exactly zero responses, i will no longer be posting to it.

the mix is coming slowly. a few more days, probably. but i'm not making any promises.

uploading untitled to the scratch pad

sorry for the rss flood; that was actually unexpected and a little weird.

there is a temporary mix up at the scratchpad, just because i've been a slowpoke on this. it's close to being the full thing (minus the guitar solos) for the first 7.5 minutes or so. it's enough to get an idea of what i'm working on...

you really need headphones with this.

that was a heavy few days, but i got a number of things sorted out and should see my productivity increase the rest of this week

feels good to get back at it, actually. here i go...

i've actually been "finalizing" the first section for a week now. i keep listening to it, and it sounds good but i'm just not convinced. soon...