it looks like i've got six months left to live. that might change, but it's how i'm going to be acting for the foreseeable future. so, i need to pick up the pace.
i'm not going to compromise on the product, i'm just going to stop focusing on promotion. it will be a roughly weekly ritual from this point until i figure out how much longer i've really got.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
so, they decided to make the forms due on my birthday. aren't they sweet....
if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.
i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.
i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.
i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.
kind of cold to hitch, though.
no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.
i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.
like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.
i suppose i can try another shrink, but....
i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".
"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.
i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...
she's in tuesday mornings...
guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...
i'm just going to have to level with them.
i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.
the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.
in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.
90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....
if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.
i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.
i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.
i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.
kind of cold to hitch, though.
no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.
i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.
like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.
i suppose i can try another shrink, but....
i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".
"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.
i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...
she's in tuesday mornings...
guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...
i'm just going to have to level with them.
i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.
the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.
in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.
90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....
clarity (final album mix)
i need to point out that *this* is really going to be the final
cynicide/rabit release, that takes the best material out of the period
and puts it together into a single record. go ahead and listen to the
first two tracks. it's already epic. an elephant in the womb, indeed....
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-2
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-2
publishing clarity (inri054)
the core
loops involved in clarity were initially created in the late summer of
2001, with the intent of being the opening sequence in a new inri
project (with the long kicked-around working title of 'trinri'). while i
had fairly firmly put the inri moniker down around my 19th birthday
(late 1999), i was also coming out of a lengthy "serious music" phase
and was getting a desire to write in a more structured, synth-pop type
direction, as i had for years previously. this urge was happening about
the same as i was being coerced into starting a rock band with some high
school acquaintances.
around october, i started working on a separate noise project that was meant to splice harsh electronic noise with anarchist politics. this produced two tracks at the time, which are now available as a short single as inri032. at the time, it wasn't clear to me where those ideas would lead.
by november it was clear that the rock band wasn't happening, but it turned out the singer had tastes that correlated reasonably well with what i was thinking about creating for the trinri project. these two projects consequently merged into rabit is wolf, and the material i was kicking around for use in trinri ended up becoming the core of what rabit is wolf became.
as i was recording parts for clarity, i ended up reusing ideas from the noise project. i further reused those ideas in constructing a 2004 noise collage for inclusion on the record that finally came out of the noise project. both noise collages are present in order to comprehensively explore the ideas existing within clarity.
zen was recorded with sean over december, 2001. i have chosen not to complete a version of the wave (inri034) that was also being discussed at the time, but would have fit into this release well, conceptually.
clarity was completed (with vocals) over january, 2002. the nature of rabit (along with the songs i had written for it) took a sharp turn towards folk almost immediately. this collection is consequently quite different than the official rabit demo, which is much more song-oriented. over the years, i've always wanted to have a rabit release that was darker, noisier and more chaotic and am glad to have it in the form of this ep-single, which could be viewed as a secondary demo. put another way, this is the comprehensive representation of the second (electro/noise/industrial) incarnation of rabit is wolf.
however, there are two factors complicating clarity as a solely rabit is wolf production. the first is that sean was never really happy with the result - a shame as i consider his vocal performance and lyrics to be the best of the songs we did together. the second is that i always felt the track was "mine" and should have had an instrumental mix. that is, i've always regretted not saving an instrumental mix.
for these reasons, i've revisited the track as an instrumental and left two snapshots - 11/2001 and 01/2002. this second snapshot (which is to be considered a final mix) will also appear on my upcoming 6th record, dated to the end of 2002.
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track 6 was constructed in may, 2004 out of files recorded 1999-2001. tracks 1-4 were reconstructed over october, 2014. final mixes were finished on october 18, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars (electric, acoustic, nylon), mandolin, sequencers, synthesizers, drum & melodic programming, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, drum kit, sampling, digital and analog effects processing, digital wave editing, sound design (loops, granular synthesis, noise generators), production
sean - vocals/lyrics (3,5), harmonica (4,5)
released february 1, 2002
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
around october, i started working on a separate noise project that was meant to splice harsh electronic noise with anarchist politics. this produced two tracks at the time, which are now available as a short single as inri032. at the time, it wasn't clear to me where those ideas would lead.
by november it was clear that the rock band wasn't happening, but it turned out the singer had tastes that correlated reasonably well with what i was thinking about creating for the trinri project. these two projects consequently merged into rabit is wolf, and the material i was kicking around for use in trinri ended up becoming the core of what rabit is wolf became.
as i was recording parts for clarity, i ended up reusing ideas from the noise project. i further reused those ideas in constructing a 2004 noise collage for inclusion on the record that finally came out of the noise project. both noise collages are present in order to comprehensively explore the ideas existing within clarity.
zen was recorded with sean over december, 2001. i have chosen not to complete a version of the wave (inri034) that was also being discussed at the time, but would have fit into this release well, conceptually.
clarity was completed (with vocals) over january, 2002. the nature of rabit (along with the songs i had written for it) took a sharp turn towards folk almost immediately. this collection is consequently quite different than the official rabit demo, which is much more song-oriented. over the years, i've always wanted to have a rabit release that was darker, noisier and more chaotic and am glad to have it in the form of this ep-single, which could be viewed as a secondary demo. put another way, this is the comprehensive representation of the second (electro/noise/industrial) incarnation of rabit is wolf.
however, there are two factors complicating clarity as a solely rabit is wolf production. the first is that sean was never really happy with the result - a shame as i consider his vocal performance and lyrics to be the best of the songs we did together. the second is that i always felt the track was "mine" and should have had an instrumental mix. that is, i've always regretted not saving an instrumental mix.
for these reasons, i've revisited the track as an instrumental and left two snapshots - 11/2001 and 01/2002. this second snapshot (which is to be considered a final mix) will also appear on my upcoming 6th record, dated to the end of 2002.
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. track 6 was constructed in may, 2004 out of files recorded 1999-2001. tracks 1-4 were reconstructed over october, 2014. final mixes were finished on october 18, 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - guitars (electric, acoustic, nylon), mandolin, sequencers, synthesizers, drum & melodic programming, electric air reed organ, digital piano, flute, drum kit, sampling, digital and analog effects processing, digital wave editing, sound design (loops, granular synthesis, noise generators), production
sean - vocals/lyrics (3,5), harmonica (4,5)
released february 1, 2002
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
i've listened to and tweaked around with the eq and compression on clarity all day, and i'm just about to leave it as it is. every time i change something, it becomes something i'm not used to hearing. i operate pretty strongly on intuition. that is, i tend to just fuck with it until it sounds "right". what i'm realizing is that what sounds "right" is the way it sounded 12 years ago, due to listening to it that way so many times. i guess this is a thing that happens, and that we all do it to our own music and the music of others - through repeated listening, the imperfections on the track become a part of the track, to the point that it can't exist without them. i'd bet this frustrates the fuck out of paul mccartney....
even the piano part. it's sloppy. i think i was drunk. i wanted it to have that suave, amateurish new wave bash to it (it's a stylistic trait of mine, through a lot of my recordings), but it came out weirdly meek sounding. like i wanted to smash the keyboard but was drunk. which i think is literally true...
i can't replace it, though. i've mentally cycled through a number of more sophisticated parts, and they all convert the track into something it may have once become but hasn't been since it was created. i've thought about rebashing a little harder, but it's the same fundamental concern.
so, the 2002 instrumental mix is going to be the final mix on this. predictable posting flurry is coming...
even the piano part. it's sloppy. i think i was drunk. i wanted it to have that suave, amateurish new wave bash to it (it's a stylistic trait of mine, through a lot of my recordings), but it came out weirdly meek sounding. like i wanted to smash the keyboard but was drunk. which i think is literally true...
i can't replace it, though. i've mentally cycled through a number of more sophisticated parts, and they all convert the track into something it may have once become but hasn't been since it was created. i've thought about rebashing a little harder, but it's the same fundamental concern.
so, the 2002 instrumental mix is going to be the final mix on this. predictable posting flurry is coming...
Monday, October 20, 2014
so, i got my letter of doom today. it's a package of forms to fill out.
considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.
the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...
if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.
see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?
i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.
"you're holding us up with a gun!"
it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.
so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.
i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.
but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...
i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.
it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.
if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...
i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.
considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.
the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...
if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.
see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?
i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.
"you're holding us up with a gun!"
it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.
so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.
i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.
but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...
i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.
it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.
if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...
i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.
clarity single up
ok, to recall, i so far have three rabit releases complete.
inri030:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/me-myself-and-the-time-i-thought-this-was-a-good-idea
inri034:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
inri035:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
i'll be adding a final remixed instrumental clarity as track seven which will really just be a bit punchier. i'm going to want to rewrite that piano part, too. but the vocal aspect of the ep is done.
i have actually surprisingly recently sold some discs (my youtube promotion is getting a lot of hits - i'm at about 3000/month and growing steadily), so i need to run through that. no rabit sales yet, so i don't owe you anything yet. as i've had no feedback, the way i've decided to do this is split the rabit sales with you and split the cynicide sales with jon - and the latter is really me being generous. i have sold one cynicide disc, but i undercharged for shipping (oops), so i owe jon about $0.50. i'll contact him if or when it gets close to $20....
that cynicide disc is this:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
all the rabit material will be in ep form, which i'm selling at $7/disc (plus shipping) or $2.50 to download the whole disc (no single track downloads, i think that's bullshit). i need to give 10% of that to bandcamp and around another 10% to paypal (unless they circumvent it). so, you can take out about 20% for fees.
so, (2.50 - 0.2*2.50)/2 = $1. that's what you have coming to you per download. i do hope to increase the prices in time, but right now i think that would be counter-productive. i'd also be paying more in fees.
it's about $3.00 to make a disc when you add up the cost of a printable cd, the ink, the paper and the case. if i start selling a significant number of cds, i'll be able to reduce that cost by buying in bulk, but that's what it is for now.
again, (7 - 0.2*7 - 3)/2 = $1.30. so, that's what you'll have coming to you per rabit disc. and, again, i hope to increase the price in time, but for now it's counter-productive....
and, you have to keep in mind that i'm getting exactly the same low profit rate on the disc. then again, you have to keep in mind that that's not really different than what the average major label artist gets per disc, either - if anything, it's a better deal than average.
there's going to be a 9:46 single with instrumental mixes, a six-track rabit demo (clarity, 9:46, psi, time, myself, day) and the completed "tour ep" of acoustic versions that never happened. it's all going to be at the same price/profit rate and hopefully be done within a month or so.
(pause)
sorry, one more thing - i should point out that i have the "pay more if you want" thing clicked off. if somebody decides they want to give me $100 for a rabit disc, you'll get (100-0.2*100 -3)/2 = $38.50 out of it. the formula is obviously (0.8x - 3)/2, summed over all prices that come to me. from what i've seen so far, it seems to be that people interpret the price as a suggestion, so we'll see how that works out...
(pause)
two quick notes are immediately necessary:
1) somebody very quickly downloaded the clarity single, so there you go.
2) the bandcamp cut on downloads is 15%, not 10% as i said before. it's 10% on physical media. hey, this is new to me, too. so, i owe you a little less than a $1 - i haven't calculated the exact paypal amount yet. i'm going to wait until it's more than the cost of shipping a check...you'll have to trust me, but you know you can....i didn't have to tell you at all, really..
inri030:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/me-myself-and-the-time-i-thought-this-was-a-good-idea
inri034:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
inri035:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity
i'll be adding a final remixed instrumental clarity as track seven which will really just be a bit punchier. i'm going to want to rewrite that piano part, too. but the vocal aspect of the ep is done.
i have actually surprisingly recently sold some discs (my youtube promotion is getting a lot of hits - i'm at about 3000/month and growing steadily), so i need to run through that. no rabit sales yet, so i don't owe you anything yet. as i've had no feedback, the way i've decided to do this is split the rabit sales with you and split the cynicide sales with jon - and the latter is really me being generous. i have sold one cynicide disc, but i undercharged for shipping (oops), so i owe jon about $0.50. i'll contact him if or when it gets close to $20....
that cynicide disc is this:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
all the rabit material will be in ep form, which i'm selling at $7/disc (plus shipping) or $2.50 to download the whole disc (no single track downloads, i think that's bullshit). i need to give 10% of that to bandcamp and around another 10% to paypal (unless they circumvent it). so, you can take out about 20% for fees.
so, (2.50 - 0.2*2.50)/2 = $1. that's what you have coming to you per download. i do hope to increase the prices in time, but right now i think that would be counter-productive. i'd also be paying more in fees.
it's about $3.00 to make a disc when you add up the cost of a printable cd, the ink, the paper and the case. if i start selling a significant number of cds, i'll be able to reduce that cost by buying in bulk, but that's what it is for now.
again, (7 - 0.2*7 - 3)/2 = $1.30. so, that's what you'll have coming to you per rabit disc. and, again, i hope to increase the price in time, but for now it's counter-productive....
and, you have to keep in mind that i'm getting exactly the same low profit rate on the disc. then again, you have to keep in mind that that's not really different than what the average major label artist gets per disc, either - if anything, it's a better deal than average.
there's going to be a 9:46 single with instrumental mixes, a six-track rabit demo (clarity, 9:46, psi, time, myself, day) and the completed "tour ep" of acoustic versions that never happened. it's all going to be at the same price/profit rate and hopefully be done within a month or so.
(pause)
sorry, one more thing - i should point out that i have the "pay more if you want" thing clicked off. if somebody decides they want to give me $100 for a rabit disc, you'll get (100-0.2*100 -3)/2 = $38.50 out of it. the formula is obviously (0.8x - 3)/2, summed over all prices that come to me. from what i've seen so far, it seems to be that people interpret the price as a suggestion, so we'll see how that works out...
(pause)
two quick notes are immediately necessary:
1) somebody very quickly downloaded the clarity single, so there you go.
2) the bandcamp cut on downloads is 15%, not 10% as i said before. it's 10% on physical media. hey, this is new to me, too. so, i owe you a little less than a $1 - i haven't calculated the exact paypal amount yet. i'm going to wait until it's more than the cost of shipping a check...you'll have to trust me, but you know you can....i didn't have to tell you at all, really..
Sunday, October 19, 2014
you know, i get a lot of comments about my face..
the truth of the matter is that i'm objectively rather attractive for a transgendered person with no surgery, relative to my ethnic background. i know the stereotypes, and that people expect them, but the reality is that they only apply to a small subset of transgendered people coming out of different types of entertainment-based employment. they get disproportionate levels of attention due to their higher levels of visibility, but they don't represent the average transgendered person very well. the average transgendered person is really a girl-next-door type that would prefer to fit in. the literature has even historically attempted to fix the stereotype to cisgendered gay men, but i agree with some of the pushback on that being a little dismissive...
i'm of mediterranean background, so i have a substantial nose. but it really isn't going to be perceived as jumping out of my face unless you're grasping at straws in order to criticize my appearance. relative to a lot of jewish, arab or italian women, it's not particularly huge. it doesn't have that triangular arch, or that bloated trying-to-escape-your-face look. it's even fairly symmetric. really, by mediterranean standards, it's on the smaller end - and pretty unobtrusive, in the sense of not jutting out anywhere.
like many irish people, i have a long, dolichocephalic skull shape.
i'm of finnish background as well, so i have high cheekbones and somewhat distinctive eyes. but these are considered attractive in virtually all cultures.
what i'm getting at with this write-up is that i don't want to hear it. i've heard it enough, and it's tiring - because it's not grounded. if you're going to comment negatively on the way i look, i'm going to remove your comment and block your profile. so don't waste your time.
you gender that wrong, you're just being an ass.
the truth of the matter is that i'm objectively rather attractive for a transgendered person with no surgery, relative to my ethnic background. i know the stereotypes, and that people expect them, but the reality is that they only apply to a small subset of transgendered people coming out of different types of entertainment-based employment. they get disproportionate levels of attention due to their higher levels of visibility, but they don't represent the average transgendered person very well. the average transgendered person is really a girl-next-door type that would prefer to fit in. the literature has even historically attempted to fix the stereotype to cisgendered gay men, but i agree with some of the pushback on that being a little dismissive...
i'm of mediterranean background, so i have a substantial nose. but it really isn't going to be perceived as jumping out of my face unless you're grasping at straws in order to criticize my appearance. relative to a lot of jewish, arab or italian women, it's not particularly huge. it doesn't have that triangular arch, or that bloated trying-to-escape-your-face look. it's even fairly symmetric. really, by mediterranean standards, it's on the smaller end - and pretty unobtrusive, in the sense of not jutting out anywhere.
like many irish people, i have a long, dolichocephalic skull shape.
i'm of finnish background as well, so i have high cheekbones and somewhat distinctive eyes. but these are considered attractive in virtually all cultures.
what i'm getting at with this write-up is that i don't want to hear it. i've heard it enough, and it's tiring - because it's not grounded. if you're going to comment negatively on the way i look, i'm going to remove your comment and block your profile. so don't waste your time.
you gender that wrong, you're just being an ass.
noise/punk night reveals cause for concern
that was fun, then unsettling.
had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.
i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...
the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...
slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.
i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.
here is a full set from about a year later:
i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.
i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.
i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...
then...
well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.
it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.
i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...
i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.
i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.
so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.
exact recollection of events, while i can...
1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.
it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.
is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.
i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.
maybe it will be more clear in the morning.
i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.
this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.
maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.
and hence the situation is dealt with.
but, i have my safety to be concerned with.
and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.
i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.
so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...
it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.
but i know how this works.
and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.
you want to say "if it happens again...."
but you know you might not be around to tell that story.
i don't think anybody followed me home.
i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.
so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.
in truth, nothing can be done at all.
i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html
had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.
i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...
the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...
slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.
i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.
here is a full set from about a year later:
i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.
i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.
i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...
then...
well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.
it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.
i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...
i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.
i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.
so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.
exact recollection of events, while i can...
1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.
it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.
is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.
i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.
maybe it will be more clear in the morning.
i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.
this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.
maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.
and hence the situation is dealt with.
but, i have my safety to be concerned with.
and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.
i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.
so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...
it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.
but i know how this works.
and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.
you want to say "if it happens again...."
but you know you might not be around to tell that story.
i don't think anybody followed me home.
i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.
so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.
in truth, nothing can be done at all.
i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html
Saturday, October 18, 2014
clarity (redone original instrumental mix)
i'm
going to need to run the final version through some buses and eqs to
get it to really come out, but this is a reasonable approximation of how
i would have wanted the instrumental mix to sound in early '02.
i've added the two ftaa tracks to the clarity single because they're playing around with a similar guitar riff. it's an idea that got recycled, so there's a thematic unity tying it together. i guess it gives the "single" (it's 62 minutes) a little bit of extra variation and playability, as well.
strung out was done about the same time as i was playing with clarity. it was the initial source of the riff, which i then used in clarity, thinking strung out was just going to sit on my computer. i constructed "through the looking glass" out of files from 00-02 in 04 for the ftaa disc; that is, all the original files existed when clarity was being written, but i didn't actually put the collage from those files together for a few years. tacking it on here is thematic, if slightly anachronistic....
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. reconstruction date is oct 18, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-instrumental-mix
i've added the two ftaa tracks to the clarity single because they're playing around with a similar guitar riff. it's an idea that got recycled, so there's a thematic unity tying it together. i guess it gives the "single" (it's 62 minutes) a little bit of extra variation and playability, as well.
strung out was done about the same time as i was playing with clarity. it was the initial source of the riff, which i then used in clarity, thinking strung out was just going to sit on my computer. i constructed "through the looking glass" out of files from 00-02 in 04 for the ftaa disc; that is, all the original files existed when clarity was being written, but i didn't actually put the collage from those files together for a few years. tacking it on here is thematic, if slightly anachronistic....
recorded in late 2001 and early 2002. reconstruction date is oct 18, 2014.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-redone-original-instrumental-mix
through the looking glass
in 2004, i found myself tasked with compiling some ideas i had into a
collection of end products. one of the ideas i had had kicking around
since late 2001 was that of combining harsh noise with anarchist
politics, which i wanted to complete under the name "fuel true anarchy
in the americas" (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa).
i had just about enough for a full length concept record, but went
looking through my hard drive to see how else i could fill the cd up to
80 minutes.
the story of the curious george suite, now released in incomplete form, is at the inri019 page:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-curious-george-suite
at the time, though, i perceived of the suite as completely dead. so, i pulled the end section out and did some things to it in a wave editor, which included taking a guitar part out of the track strung out and looping it through the track. the same guitar part was also used in the bridge of clarity. strung out and through the looking glass can consequently be thought of as remixes of clarity, so their inclusion here is necessary to explore the thought in full.
initially created in the spring of 2000. expanded in the spring of 2004.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/through-the-looking-glass-2
the story of the curious george suite, now released in incomplete form, is at the inri019 page:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-curious-george-suite
at the time, though, i perceived of the suite as completely dead. so, i pulled the end section out and did some things to it in a wave editor, which included taking a guitar part out of the track strung out and looping it through the track. the same guitar part was also used in the bridge of clarity. strung out and through the looking glass can consequently be thought of as remixes of clarity, so their inclusion here is necessary to explore the thought in full.
initially created in the spring of 2000. expanded in the spring of 2004.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/through-the-looking-glass-2
strung out (clarity mix)
so, the pun here is that it's a lot of guitars going off out of tune,
representing how the government is stringing us out to dry by taking
away our rights in the (not so) chaotic aftermath of 9/11. there are
versions of the track with thematic samples, but i've removed them for
this release.
the sample version is available here:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/give-em-hell-harry-strung-out
the reason i'm including the file as a lead-in to the clarity single is that there is a guitar riff with an ultimately celtic sort of sailor folk theme running through this track that i ended up reusing in the bridge of clarity (and a third time in "through the looking glass"). this track was completed first, but the ftaa project (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa) that it was connected to didn't have release dates or anything. i really considered it mostly disposable at the time. yet, it's a necessary inclusion if i wish to comprehensively explore clarity as an idea.
created in the fall of 2001. the file was edited into this form on october 18, 2014
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/strung-out-3
the sample version is available here:
jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/give-em-hell-harry-strung-out
the reason i'm including the file as a lead-in to the clarity single is that there is a guitar riff with an ultimately celtic sort of sailor folk theme running through this track that i ended up reusing in the bridge of clarity (and a third time in "through the looking glass"). this track was completed first, but the ftaa project (jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa) that it was connected to didn't have release dates or anything. i really considered it mostly disposable at the time. yet, it's a necessary inclusion if i wish to comprehensively explore clarity as an idea.
created in the fall of 2001. the file was edited into this form on october 18, 2014
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/strung-out-3
really not a complex tune, even if it sounds very built and orchestrated. if i deconstruct the construction, it's still enough to fit on a traditional 24 track recorder - which is downright minimal by my standards.
it's now properly synced, which was the hard part. this was initially constructed in a wave editor (the construction one part was recently reconstructed in a wave editor rather than mixed through cubase, in order to get that blurry, impressionist sound).
i'm going to give the mix until i wake up to sit, but i think clarity is now reclaimed. finally. i regretted not saving an instrumental version almost as soon as i pressed "save" back in early '02. i've been planning it ever since, but have run into various roadblocks....nice to feel it's done...
i'm not going to do a vocal remix of this. the '02 mix is the vocal mix stays the vocal mix.
the final mix (for j^2) is going to need some production work in bringing out the dynamics a little, and an uplift over that piano part.
it's now properly synced, which was the hard part. this was initially constructed in a wave editor (the construction one part was recently reconstructed in a wave editor rather than mixed through cubase, in order to get that blurry, impressionist sound).
i'm going to give the mix until i wake up to sit, but i think clarity is now reclaimed. finally. i regretted not saving an instrumental version almost as soon as i pressed "save" back in early '02. i've been planning it ever since, but have run into various roadblocks....nice to feel it's done...
i'm not going to do a vocal remix of this. the '02 mix is the vocal mix stays the vocal mix.
the final mix (for j^2) is going to need some production work in bringing out the dynamics a little, and an uplift over that piano part.
Friday, October 17, 2014
it seems like people are looking for my twitter account.
@deathtokoalas on twitter is NOT me. that person appears to be into anime, online rpgs and defending the fascist state of israel. i'm not interested in any of those things. i'd like to see a one state solution, but under the auspices of a democratic, secular "israel" that does not have religious or nationalist concepts written into it's constitution. i'd also like to see some land redistribution, but i recognize that this is a very delicate process. if you were to sit me down and really have me analyze it, i'd have to come to the conclusion that the only way to "set things right" is to temporarily abolish the state and have it run by an international body like the un for a period of 50 years or something, then have it transferred to a secular, pluralist governing body.
i simply don't use twitter. however, for the sake of clarifying the situation, i'll point you to this sarcastic profile as the only twitter profile that i've ever set up.
https://twitter.com/dgkfgjklgjkgjka
i know that deathtokoalas comes off as a unique marker, but it seems like it isn't. as far as i can tell, this other person stole my name, but i can't prove that.
that brings up another point, though. the handle i'm using there is @dgkfgjklgjkgjka. i'm all over the internet with variations of this. it was chosen to be impossible to search for, as it's picked uniquely each time, but easy to identify when it's found.
i'm very open about my politics. if you see some right-wing ranting under a similar moniker, and it's not sarcastic, it's not me. but if you see variations of the sort with a lower case d, a random string of mashed characters of no fixed length and a lower class a such as...
dfdgKDT789rft8efyYKa
dBJUR8fduKDE7IekdcGJKFHYJO5a
dDTdkGDITKDtktYa
etc
then it's probably me.
"impossible" is an exaggeration. but searching all possible combinations is time consuming. it requires some scripting, at least.
there's lots of smart ways to circumvent the fuckers, if you know a little about the technology they use....
obviously, i don't want it to be hard to find my youtube account.
but the fact that deathtokoala starts with a d and ends with an a is no coincidence:)
i am somewhat of a bond villain.
it doesn't matter any more, i don't use the technique.
(you'll note that before you can script the trawl, you need to figure out the trick, and i don't get the impression anybody even got that far)
i mean sum (35 C i), 3<i<20 is a very big number.
@deathtokoalas on twitter is NOT me. that person appears to be into anime, online rpgs and defending the fascist state of israel. i'm not interested in any of those things. i'd like to see a one state solution, but under the auspices of a democratic, secular "israel" that does not have religious or nationalist concepts written into it's constitution. i'd also like to see some land redistribution, but i recognize that this is a very delicate process. if you were to sit me down and really have me analyze it, i'd have to come to the conclusion that the only way to "set things right" is to temporarily abolish the state and have it run by an international body like the un for a period of 50 years or something, then have it transferred to a secular, pluralist governing body.
i simply don't use twitter. however, for the sake of clarifying the situation, i'll point you to this sarcastic profile as the only twitter profile that i've ever set up.
https://twitter.com/dgkfgjklgjkgjka
i know that deathtokoalas comes off as a unique marker, but it seems like it isn't. as far as i can tell, this other person stole my name, but i can't prove that.
that brings up another point, though. the handle i'm using there is @dgkfgjklgjkgjka. i'm all over the internet with variations of this. it was chosen to be impossible to search for, as it's picked uniquely each time, but easy to identify when it's found.
i'm very open about my politics. if you see some right-wing ranting under a similar moniker, and it's not sarcastic, it's not me. but if you see variations of the sort with a lower case d, a random string of mashed characters of no fixed length and a lower class a such as...
dfdgKDT789rft8efyYKa
dBJUR8fduKDE7IekdcGJKFHYJO5a
dDTdkGDITKDtktYa
etc
then it's probably me.
"impossible" is an exaggeration. but searching all possible combinations is time consuming. it requires some scripting, at least.
there's lots of smart ways to circumvent the fuckers, if you know a little about the technology they use....
obviously, i don't want it to be hard to find my youtube account.
but the fact that deathtokoala starts with a d and ends with an a is no coincidence:)
i am somewhat of a bond villain.
it doesn't matter any more, i don't use the technique.
(you'll note that before you can script the trawl, you need to figure out the trick, and i don't get the impression anybody even got that far)
i mean sum (35 C i), 3<i<20 is a very big number.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
uploading the soundtrack to an italian breakfast cereal to youtube
back in the twelfth grade (which was early 1999), i was approached by an acquaintance to provide music for a project he was doing in his advertising class. he had to make a short a video. the theme was anti drinking and driving. he requested a quirky sounding techno tune. this is what i provided, and it was well received. i have not seen the end result, but it apparently had to do with struggling to find car keys in a drunken stupor..
this did not take me long to make (i'm literally just brapping around in an 808 emulator), and i haven't thought particularly highly of it over the years. however, this kind of simple 808 work is apparently currently trendy, so maybe the hipsters will consider it ahead of it's time....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPV1hQ0vrZc&feature=youtu.be
this did not take me long to make (i'm literally just brapping around in an 808 emulator), and i haven't thought particularly highly of it over the years. however, this kind of simple 808 work is apparently currently trendy, so maybe the hipsters will consider it ahead of it's time....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPV1hQ0vrZc&feature=youtu.be
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