https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POzq3nMWQyA&feature=youtu.be
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LYwajc7-Xo&feature=youtu.be
Saturday, October 11, 2014
uploading rabit is wolf to youtube
so, i've decided to stick with the original 2002 mixes for youtube uploads, and i'm going to put them all up at once. this is keeping in mind that youtube is a front-end for bandcamp...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POzq3nMWQyA&feature=youtu.be
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LYwajc7-Xo&feature=youtu.be
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POzq3nMWQyA&feature=youtu.be
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LYwajc7-Xo&feature=youtu.be
i'm shocked. i sold something. woo!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roRQ2mNwMMQ
it felt good building up that cover art. first time i've done that in years. inri029 now has a sleeve.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
next thing is to try and find some lightscribe discs around here. windsor is kind of notorious for being low in stock on...everything. it's one of the tomato producing capitals in the world, and half the time the stores are out or full of mouldy stock from mexico (drives me nuts). it's detroit, canada, basically. hey, that's why i moved down here...
i'm sure i'll find them somewhere and be able to print it off on tuesday (monday, here, is canadian thanksgiving. bullshit holiday, but it means everything is closed.). it's going to take far too long to order something...
apparently, 40% of the population of windsor doesn't live within walking distance of a grocery store.
compute that.
major retailers (rona, for one) have recently left the city because they can't police the stores. i went into the rona about a year ago to get some exacto knives, and i had to be escorted by security past an armed guard because people were using them to rob the place.
there's still a semblance of peace on the surface, but it's really a pretty crazy place.
but i can integrate the walk to drop off compost with a lightscribe run, which will take me to one of the less crazy areas where there's a radio shack and a staples and stuff...gotta be some in one of those stores...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roRQ2mNwMMQ
it felt good building up that cover art. first time i've done that in years. inri029 now has a sleeve.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
next thing is to try and find some lightscribe discs around here. windsor is kind of notorious for being low in stock on...everything. it's one of the tomato producing capitals in the world, and half the time the stores are out or full of mouldy stock from mexico (drives me nuts). it's detroit, canada, basically. hey, that's why i moved down here...
i'm sure i'll find them somewhere and be able to print it off on tuesday (monday, here, is canadian thanksgiving. bullshit holiday, but it means everything is closed.). it's going to take far too long to order something...
apparently, 40% of the population of windsor doesn't live within walking distance of a grocery store.
compute that.
major retailers (rona, for one) have recently left the city because they can't police the stores. i went into the rona about a year ago to get some exacto knives, and i had to be escorted by security past an armed guard because people were using them to rob the place.
there's still a semblance of peace on the surface, but it's really a pretty crazy place.
but i can integrate the walk to drop off compost with a lightscribe run, which will take me to one of the less crazy areas where there's a radio shack and a staples and stuff...gotta be some in one of those stores...
thanks
jessica
hi,
i gotta say you're the first person that's bought something since i put the site back up last september. selling cds isn't easy nowadays, so it's breaking through a bit of a glass ceiling for me. thanks for your support.
as this is the first thing i'm shipping, 3 days might be more like 5 days. i need to get the proper supplies. i have done this before, it's just been a few years; rest assured that it will be shipping shortly.
primatemaster
Hello,
I'm simultaneously delighted (if I had business cards I'd be writing 'Patron of the Arts' on them right now) and a little disappointed to be first. It's the first CD I've purchased in quite a while, so some sort of reflected symmetry there.
From listening to a randomly selected range of your work on bandcamp and youtube, I've probably picked one of the easier-to-listen-to ones to buy. But I found a lot that I like and just as much that will need more time before I know what I think about it. Often in the same track. The first thing I stumbled across was 'evil is a human construction' which immediately sounded frantic and fantastic (my first, probably unoriginal, thought: music for Cylons). A couple of weeks and multiple plays later and it is still a favourite.
Anyway, that's enough of my rambling.
Looking forward to hearing your future releases,
jessica
the cylons thing is interesting.
that track, 'evil is a human construction', was mostly composed in my head while i was stumbling through ottawa night clubs. i was going through a periodic dancing phase. something i've often found myself doing when i'm dancing is imagining guitar solos over the house or trance beats. i probably look like a crazy person, lost dwindling off into the twilight realm of my own secret thoughts, even blurting the notes out loud sometimes (memories may be fuzzy, but i'd like to think i've avoided air guitars on the dance floor). i plan to create an entire record based more or less around that idea, so there will be more in the style coming, it's just that i have a list of stuff to get through first.
primatemaster
To try and explain that: There's a relentless and restless feeling throughout: at first oppressive, then panicky with associated disorientation, followed by acceptance/liberation/relief and wondering what comes next. (Yes, I wrote that during another listen.) Combine with a guitar sound that reminded me of music from BattlestarGalactica (Heeding Call going into a cover of All Along The Watchtower) and my mind said: music for freshly-self-discovered cylons.
In retrospect, cylons are not the important detail.
So, if 'interesting' is a polite way of saying 'nonsense', I can't argue. In my defense I was mildly concussed after a bike crash. Still like the track.
Dance / reaction from nearby people
Air guitar / 'She's on the good stuff, I want that'
Air drums / 'whatever she's on should be banned'
Listening to 'interplanetary isomorphism' a lot now. It's beautiful.
hi,
i gotta say you're the first person that's bought something since i put the site back up last september. selling cds isn't easy nowadays, so it's breaking through a bit of a glass ceiling for me. thanks for your support.
as this is the first thing i'm shipping, 3 days might be more like 5 days. i need to get the proper supplies. i have done this before, it's just been a few years; rest assured that it will be shipping shortly.
primatemaster
Hello,
I'm simultaneously delighted (if I had business cards I'd be writing 'Patron of the Arts' on them right now) and a little disappointed to be first. It's the first CD I've purchased in quite a while, so some sort of reflected symmetry there.
From listening to a randomly selected range of your work on bandcamp and youtube, I've probably picked one of the easier-to-listen-to ones to buy. But I found a lot that I like and just as much that will need more time before I know what I think about it. Often in the same track. The first thing I stumbled across was 'evil is a human construction' which immediately sounded frantic and fantastic (my first, probably unoriginal, thought: music for Cylons). A couple of weeks and multiple plays later and it is still a favourite.
Anyway, that's enough of my rambling.
Looking forward to hearing your future releases,
jessica
the cylons thing is interesting.
that track, 'evil is a human construction', was mostly composed in my head while i was stumbling through ottawa night clubs. i was going through a periodic dancing phase. something i've often found myself doing when i'm dancing is imagining guitar solos over the house or trance beats. i probably look like a crazy person, lost dwindling off into the twilight realm of my own secret thoughts, even blurting the notes out loud sometimes (memories may be fuzzy, but i'd like to think i've avoided air guitars on the dance floor). i plan to create an entire record based more or less around that idea, so there will be more in the style coming, it's just that i have a list of stuff to get through first.
primatemaster
To try and explain that: There's a relentless and restless feeling throughout: at first oppressive, then panicky with associated disorientation, followed by acceptance/liberation/relief and wondering what comes next. (Yes, I wrote that during another listen.) Combine with a guitar sound that reminded me of music from BattlestarGalactica (Heeding Call going into a cover of All Along The Watchtower) and my mind said: music for freshly-self-discovered cylons.
In retrospect, cylons are not the important detail.
So, if 'interesting' is a polite way of saying 'nonsense', I can't argue. In my defense I was mildly concussed after a bike crash. Still like the track.
Dance / reaction from nearby people
Air guitar / 'She's on the good stuff, I want that'
Air drums / 'whatever she's on should be banned'
Listening to 'interplanetary isomorphism' a lot now. It's beautiful.
so, the next milestone is this track hitting 300 hits. it's been climbing slowly, but hits are up enough this month that it should be in the next day or two.
speaking of hits being up, i'm sort of afraid to mention it, because the last time i mentioned hits were down, they went way up. if i mention that hits are way up, will they come down? what exactly is going on here?
a few months ago, i pointed out that i was expecting the curve to start rising again in october. but my goal this month was 3000 hits, and i'm currently on track for something closer to 4500. every time it looks like it's going to fall a bit, it rises way higher. my average last month was 98. this month, so far, it's 142. if it keeps at this pace, i don't know what to expect for november - another flat line, an increasing curve or even a peak....?
but, right now, they're up very high leading into the demo switch over. i can only hope they stay that high as i switch gears and i didn't peak in 1996....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbNeNaff53Y&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbt7bpF1Br2dC4QlJzoOC6rF
speaking of hits being up, i'm sort of afraid to mention it, because the last time i mentioned hits were down, they went way up. if i mention that hits are way up, will they come down? what exactly is going on here?
a few months ago, i pointed out that i was expecting the curve to start rising again in october. but my goal this month was 3000 hits, and i'm currently on track for something closer to 4500. every time it looks like it's going to fall a bit, it rises way higher. my average last month was 98. this month, so far, it's 142. if it keeps at this pace, i don't know what to expect for november - another flat line, an increasing curve or even a peak....?
but, right now, they're up very high leading into the demo switch over. i can only hope they stay that high as i switch gears and i didn't peak in 1996....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbNeNaff53Y&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbt7bpF1Br2dC4QlJzoOC6rF
ugh. fine.
blonding and maybe also redding tomorrow. it's been a while since i dyed....two years almost...it makes a big difference, though. my natural hair colour is kind of ratty looking, and there's not really any way to style it away.
i guess i've just been sitting in my room by myself. i've been to some shows, but they're the kind where i'd rather not get hit on by smelly indie boys. few incentives to care. i'm really not that vain.
it's been a while since i updated my profile pic, too. bloody patriarchy. but i'll play along for a few weeks...
i have the dye already, i've been meaning to, just never really got around to it.
it should be nice enough on monday, even, to go out in shorts and a tanktop.
blonding and maybe also redding tomorrow. it's been a while since i dyed....two years almost...it makes a big difference, though. my natural hair colour is kind of ratty looking, and there's not really any way to style it away.
i guess i've just been sitting in my room by myself. i've been to some shows, but they're the kind where i'd rather not get hit on by smelly indie boys. few incentives to care. i'm really not that vain.
it's been a while since i updated my profile pic, too. bloody patriarchy. but i'll play along for a few weeks...
i have the dye already, i've been meaning to, just never really got around to it.
it should be nice enough on monday, even, to go out in shorts and a tanktop.
Friday, October 10, 2014
the doctors in this city are real hard asses.
so, i went down on tuesday to refill my estrogen (specifically) and learned i was on my last refill. so, i asked them to send a fax to the ottawa doctor, as they had previously done. i got something back from the doctor indicating he's no longer practicing, along with my last refill (from him). that meant i had to find a doctor here.....
i was able to quickly set up an appointment for this afternoon with an endocrinologist that deals with gender transitions. it was the same process i went through with the shrink i saw a few months ago - he decided he didn't like my attitude, accused me of having a personality disorder (which is probably true, that's why i went to see the shrink, although he wouldn't diagnose it) and tossed me from his office.
what led to the conflict was the suggestion that generally people that come in looking for prescriptions are "already living in a female role", to which i retorted that i am and have been living in a female role for many years. apparently, he didn't find it convincing. it's true that i'm not the hyper-feminine type. but it's also true that if you pulled a dozen random women off the street, i'd be somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum presented. lots of women walk around in jeans and cons and no make-up. it's entirely "normal". so, no, i'm not the hysterical trans stereotype, but the hysterical trans stereotype really isn't at all representative of women of my generation, either. the hysterical trans stereotype is actually probably indicative of a greater psychological issue than gender dysphoria, at this point, but the literature (that i've seen) is just absurdly stuck in the past. i'm really a pretty "normal", "average" kind of late 20s or early 30s woman of my age and peer group. i guess that wasn't good enough for this guy.
there's also the fact that i'm in my 30s, even if i happen to look many years younger. i've kind of grown out of the heavy-make-up-frilly-socks stage of life. i know the hysterical trans stereotype is attached to not growing out of that at all, but it's also attached to really gross sexual fetishes that i simply don't have. further, i have to be honest that i really don't like being put in a situation where i have to defend the fact that being transgendered does not imply anything about sexual preferences. at all. i'm a very sexually conservative person that has consciously chosen to not have a sex life, and it's really....gross...to have to justify my gender identification in the face of not being perceived as a tranny slut. i'm not going to walk around presenting myself as an insecure teenager, or, worse, a street walker. i'm just not that person. i like comfortable clothes that minimize my sexuality, and i'm old enough to walk around in them without giving a fuck.
i then suggested that it's not his role to act as a psychiatrist, that i've already been through that process and he really has no place in undoing an existing psychological diagnosis. that's when he started to get standoffish, but the fact is that i'm absolutely right. if the guy thinks he can undo twenty-five years worth of thinking and months of talking it over with a shrink (it was a long time ago, but it happened), in well under an hour (more like ten minutes) then he's simply an idiot. i'm sorry. it's utter stupidity.
so, i went back to the clinic that sent me there in the first place. i was able to determine that the doctor there *could* refill the medication for me, but has decided to *not* do so. as far as i could tell, it was a religious thing. she repeatedly stated that she had to be at a mosque for 2:00, which strongly suggested to me that she's opposed to the whole thing and referring me to somebody else out of principle.
i got a new referral in. but i'm very skeptical that it's going to get me the refill before nov 1. i at least now know that virtually any doctor *could* do this refill for me, for at least one month. i'm going to have to get out on monday and try to find one that will.
i didn't have makeup on, and i'm older than the model here (although don't really look it), but i otherwise didn't look that different than her:
https://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/White-Tee.jpg
is there something unfeminine about that, or is it actually a pretty "nomal" outfit?
i'd argue the latter.
it was probably *too* normal. but i'm not a drag performer. i'm the girl next door.
the literature is just really fucked.
well, i had pink shoes. and a pink sweater around my waist. that matches the shoes. minor detail.
in addition, i wasn't going to a job interview or a party or on a date. i was going to a dr's appointment. is it not far more bizarre to dress provocatively to see a doctor than it is to dress down?
would you not expect a mostly transitioned, integrated transperson to dress "normally"? would a really colourful or brazen outfit not be evidence of difficulty integrating?
but i've been to these doctors and they expect transgendered people to show up dressed provocatively. i'm not going on a feminist rant about this, what i'm thinking is obvious, it doesn't need to be stated.
i think i have to be rational about it. i've spoken to two doctors so far. one seems to have been enforcing patriarchal expectations. the other seems to have had religious objections. surely, i can find one with neither bias.
i'll point out that the nurse at the clinic indicated that the endocrinologist has a history of this kind of bullshit. i'm not the first person that's gone through this with him. so, that's another rational consideration - he's reacted like this before.
but, the doctors here that i've seen so far sure are hard asses, wow....
i guess it reinforces the importance of finding a good doctor.
which is something i have no choice but to do, now.
--
i need to stress this point: you'd think if i showed up in fishnets or something, at the age of 33, i'd be bipolar or something. honestly. you don't see women my age walking around like that to go to a doctor's appointment.
but that might be my error. maybe i'm so comfortable with myself in an essentially post-transition space that it never crossed my mind that i had something to prove to this guy.
i don't have any "business attire" to wear to the next appointment, which is a more suitable wardrobe for somebody of my age and experience. but i need to be more conscious of the fact that the guy is going to be analyzing me relative to where i was in transition five years ago, rather than where i am now.
it's bullshit. i'm mad at myself for compromising my values like this, but i think i'm going to have to.
like, i'm already transitioned. i've been transitioned for a couple of years, now. it's not a question of progressing through stages, it's a question of maintaining access to medication.
i just happen to be a chick that looks a little like a dude, and there's not really anything i can do that's within my budget to reverse that.
....but the doctor might not realize that. i'll argue strenuously that it's not his place to question it, but it's not going to get me closer to getting what i need to maintain the post-transition state.
i can't really dress for work, because i don't have a work wardrobe.
i don't want to dress like i'm going to a party, that's revolting.
but i can dress for a casual date. he fucking starts hitting on me, though, and i'm strangling him with his fucking stethoscope...
--
there's another sort of nagging concern in the back of my mind.
i've been around enough "trans support" groups to know that a lot of them are actually fronts for prostitution. his language of "i don't get a good vibe from you" and the tone of voice that he said it in kind of immediately set off those bells.
it sounds off the wall libellous, but trust me when i say it isn't: the guy very well might be a pimp, and he may have quickly determined i wasn't likely to work for him, and tossed me on my ear because of it.
i need to stop flipping out over it, though, and just get to work in finding a better doctor on monday....
i mean, the first thing he asked me was if i was bisexual. normally, they ask about it, but they don't make assumptions, and the way he asked was sort of slimy.
i responded with the truth: i'm asexual. well, i've been on testosterone blockers for four years. i don't even masturbate any more - i probably couldn't, at this point, if i tried, but i haven't tried in....a long time. i get the odd dream, but they're separated by months. and while the refrain for the last few decades has been "actually, women LIKE sex"....the truth is you need to put a "some" in there. i don't really have much interest in lying around while somebody else gets off on me. sorry.
i hadn't had sex in almost five years before i went on the testosterone blockers in the first place. the transition hasn't altered my sex life in any way, because there wasn't one to begin with. and, going off hormones isn't going to have me develop one - i'd just start masturbating again. the reasons i'm not interested in sex aren't at all connected to my gender identity. i went through a relationship about ten years ago that just completely soured me on the whole idea of relationships, and i've been single by choice ever since. they're really completely unrelated things.
but, i got a huge frown from it, as though i was stating i wasn't of any use to him.
--
just to clarify: i have absolutely no sex drive, but i actually prefer it that way, as it clears up more energy for other things. i'm not asexual because of the lack of sex drive, but the lack of a sex drive makes me more comfortable in my asexuality. you interact with people - of whatever gender - a whole lot differently when you already know that you'll never, ever have sex with them. sometimes, there's a little work in establishing that, but once it is established, it just really clears the air. there's no pretensions. no fantasies. and you figure out quickly who actually likes you for who you are and who has ulterior motives. call me a eunuch if you want, and tell me i'm an anomaly in our current culture if it makes you feel good about yourself, but i'm happier with no sex drive.
if i had to choose only one of the three drugs to take, i'd pick the testosterone blocker over the estrogen or progesterone immediately. that's one of the more profound conclusions i've come to. i haven't been reflecting here as much as i was a few years ago, but i've been thinking about that quite a bit. the feminizing aspects are desirable to me and everything, but i'm at the age where there's not really any actual consequence of them. if i were to go through the process of actual sexual reassignment now, i'd be in an age category where sex is infrequent by the time i got done, sort of thing. and, then, what have i accomplished besides having to squat in public? but the chemical castration has had really positive effects on my mental well being. that's the thing i'm going to fight the hardest to maintain.
i just find the whole thing to be such a huge waste of time. in the end, i'm going to die, and do i really want my life to have been focused on sex and labour? god, what a horribly trivial existence! i want there to be art, writings - things of substance left behind. this idea of life as a hedonistic adventure is just revolting to me. i know it's our culture. it's the way our society spins. but i'm really pretty comprehensive in my rejection of our culture and society, aren't i? it shouldn't really be that surprising, when you put it into the context of what i think about every other component of the world we inhabit.
i think i'd be more likely to fall in love with a robot than a human, but i doubt i'm going to live to see the day...
in the end, transhumanism will probably abolish sex.
i'm ahead of the curve on this and i know it. same as all the other things....
--
when i was a kid, i used to often hear that
"women can do anything men can do except pee standing up."
my dad told me that. often. i think there's quite a bit of truth to it.
if i really sit down and carefully weigh what life is going to be like pre and post srs, i have to honestly conclude that the only thing that's actually going to change is the peeing standing up part......and for the months of therapy and healing and everything else involved, it's hard to come up with a logical argument in favour of it.
there's an emotional component, but i've never been driven by emotion, i've always been driven by logic.
if it was 15 years ago, the calculation would be different, but it's pointless now, i'm too old.
--
so, i had a bad appointment today...
i'm done flipping out over it for now. back to work.
so, i went down on tuesday to refill my estrogen (specifically) and learned i was on my last refill. so, i asked them to send a fax to the ottawa doctor, as they had previously done. i got something back from the doctor indicating he's no longer practicing, along with my last refill (from him). that meant i had to find a doctor here.....
i was able to quickly set up an appointment for this afternoon with an endocrinologist that deals with gender transitions. it was the same process i went through with the shrink i saw a few months ago - he decided he didn't like my attitude, accused me of having a personality disorder (which is probably true, that's why i went to see the shrink, although he wouldn't diagnose it) and tossed me from his office.
what led to the conflict was the suggestion that generally people that come in looking for prescriptions are "already living in a female role", to which i retorted that i am and have been living in a female role for many years. apparently, he didn't find it convincing. it's true that i'm not the hyper-feminine type. but it's also true that if you pulled a dozen random women off the street, i'd be somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum presented. lots of women walk around in jeans and cons and no make-up. it's entirely "normal". so, no, i'm not the hysterical trans stereotype, but the hysterical trans stereotype really isn't at all representative of women of my generation, either. the hysterical trans stereotype is actually probably indicative of a greater psychological issue than gender dysphoria, at this point, but the literature (that i've seen) is just absurdly stuck in the past. i'm really a pretty "normal", "average" kind of late 20s or early 30s woman of my age and peer group. i guess that wasn't good enough for this guy.
there's also the fact that i'm in my 30s, even if i happen to look many years younger. i've kind of grown out of the heavy-make-up-frilly-socks stage of life. i know the hysterical trans stereotype is attached to not growing out of that at all, but it's also attached to really gross sexual fetishes that i simply don't have. further, i have to be honest that i really don't like being put in a situation where i have to defend the fact that being transgendered does not imply anything about sexual preferences. at all. i'm a very sexually conservative person that has consciously chosen to not have a sex life, and it's really....gross...to have to justify my gender identification in the face of not being perceived as a tranny slut. i'm not going to walk around presenting myself as an insecure teenager, or, worse, a street walker. i'm just not that person. i like comfortable clothes that minimize my sexuality, and i'm old enough to walk around in them without giving a fuck.
i then suggested that it's not his role to act as a psychiatrist, that i've already been through that process and he really has no place in undoing an existing psychological diagnosis. that's when he started to get standoffish, but the fact is that i'm absolutely right. if the guy thinks he can undo twenty-five years worth of thinking and months of talking it over with a shrink (it was a long time ago, but it happened), in well under an hour (more like ten minutes) then he's simply an idiot. i'm sorry. it's utter stupidity.
so, i went back to the clinic that sent me there in the first place. i was able to determine that the doctor there *could* refill the medication for me, but has decided to *not* do so. as far as i could tell, it was a religious thing. she repeatedly stated that she had to be at a mosque for 2:00, which strongly suggested to me that she's opposed to the whole thing and referring me to somebody else out of principle.
i got a new referral in. but i'm very skeptical that it's going to get me the refill before nov 1. i at least now know that virtually any doctor *could* do this refill for me, for at least one month. i'm going to have to get out on monday and try to find one that will.
i didn't have makeup on, and i'm older than the model here (although don't really look it), but i otherwise didn't look that different than her:
https://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/White-Tee.jpg
is there something unfeminine about that, or is it actually a pretty "nomal" outfit?
i'd argue the latter.
it was probably *too* normal. but i'm not a drag performer. i'm the girl next door.
the literature is just really fucked.
well, i had pink shoes. and a pink sweater around my waist. that matches the shoes. minor detail.
in addition, i wasn't going to a job interview or a party or on a date. i was going to a dr's appointment. is it not far more bizarre to dress provocatively to see a doctor than it is to dress down?
would you not expect a mostly transitioned, integrated transperson to dress "normally"? would a really colourful or brazen outfit not be evidence of difficulty integrating?
but i've been to these doctors and they expect transgendered people to show up dressed provocatively. i'm not going on a feminist rant about this, what i'm thinking is obvious, it doesn't need to be stated.
i think i have to be rational about it. i've spoken to two doctors so far. one seems to have been enforcing patriarchal expectations. the other seems to have had religious objections. surely, i can find one with neither bias.
i'll point out that the nurse at the clinic indicated that the endocrinologist has a history of this kind of bullshit. i'm not the first person that's gone through this with him. so, that's another rational consideration - he's reacted like this before.
but, the doctors here that i've seen so far sure are hard asses, wow....
i guess it reinforces the importance of finding a good doctor.
which is something i have no choice but to do, now.
--
i need to stress this point: you'd think if i showed up in fishnets or something, at the age of 33, i'd be bipolar or something. honestly. you don't see women my age walking around like that to go to a doctor's appointment.
but that might be my error. maybe i'm so comfortable with myself in an essentially post-transition space that it never crossed my mind that i had something to prove to this guy.
i don't have any "business attire" to wear to the next appointment, which is a more suitable wardrobe for somebody of my age and experience. but i need to be more conscious of the fact that the guy is going to be analyzing me relative to where i was in transition five years ago, rather than where i am now.
it's bullshit. i'm mad at myself for compromising my values like this, but i think i'm going to have to.
like, i'm already transitioned. i've been transitioned for a couple of years, now. it's not a question of progressing through stages, it's a question of maintaining access to medication.
i just happen to be a chick that looks a little like a dude, and there's not really anything i can do that's within my budget to reverse that.
....but the doctor might not realize that. i'll argue strenuously that it's not his place to question it, but it's not going to get me closer to getting what i need to maintain the post-transition state.
i can't really dress for work, because i don't have a work wardrobe.
i don't want to dress like i'm going to a party, that's revolting.
but i can dress for a casual date. he fucking starts hitting on me, though, and i'm strangling him with his fucking stethoscope...
--
there's another sort of nagging concern in the back of my mind.
i've been around enough "trans support" groups to know that a lot of them are actually fronts for prostitution. his language of "i don't get a good vibe from you" and the tone of voice that he said it in kind of immediately set off those bells.
it sounds off the wall libellous, but trust me when i say it isn't: the guy very well might be a pimp, and he may have quickly determined i wasn't likely to work for him, and tossed me on my ear because of it.
i need to stop flipping out over it, though, and just get to work in finding a better doctor on monday....
i mean, the first thing he asked me was if i was bisexual. normally, they ask about it, but they don't make assumptions, and the way he asked was sort of slimy.
i responded with the truth: i'm asexual. well, i've been on testosterone blockers for four years. i don't even masturbate any more - i probably couldn't, at this point, if i tried, but i haven't tried in....a long time. i get the odd dream, but they're separated by months. and while the refrain for the last few decades has been "actually, women LIKE sex"....the truth is you need to put a "some" in there. i don't really have much interest in lying around while somebody else gets off on me. sorry.
i hadn't had sex in almost five years before i went on the testosterone blockers in the first place. the transition hasn't altered my sex life in any way, because there wasn't one to begin with. and, going off hormones isn't going to have me develop one - i'd just start masturbating again. the reasons i'm not interested in sex aren't at all connected to my gender identity. i went through a relationship about ten years ago that just completely soured me on the whole idea of relationships, and i've been single by choice ever since. they're really completely unrelated things.
but, i got a huge frown from it, as though i was stating i wasn't of any use to him.
--
just to clarify: i have absolutely no sex drive, but i actually prefer it that way, as it clears up more energy for other things. i'm not asexual because of the lack of sex drive, but the lack of a sex drive makes me more comfortable in my asexuality. you interact with people - of whatever gender - a whole lot differently when you already know that you'll never, ever have sex with them. sometimes, there's a little work in establishing that, but once it is established, it just really clears the air. there's no pretensions. no fantasies. and you figure out quickly who actually likes you for who you are and who has ulterior motives. call me a eunuch if you want, and tell me i'm an anomaly in our current culture if it makes you feel good about yourself, but i'm happier with no sex drive.
if i had to choose only one of the three drugs to take, i'd pick the testosterone blocker over the estrogen or progesterone immediately. that's one of the more profound conclusions i've come to. i haven't been reflecting here as much as i was a few years ago, but i've been thinking about that quite a bit. the feminizing aspects are desirable to me and everything, but i'm at the age where there's not really any actual consequence of them. if i were to go through the process of actual sexual reassignment now, i'd be in an age category where sex is infrequent by the time i got done, sort of thing. and, then, what have i accomplished besides having to squat in public? but the chemical castration has had really positive effects on my mental well being. that's the thing i'm going to fight the hardest to maintain.
i just find the whole thing to be such a huge waste of time. in the end, i'm going to die, and do i really want my life to have been focused on sex and labour? god, what a horribly trivial existence! i want there to be art, writings - things of substance left behind. this idea of life as a hedonistic adventure is just revolting to me. i know it's our culture. it's the way our society spins. but i'm really pretty comprehensive in my rejection of our culture and society, aren't i? it shouldn't really be that surprising, when you put it into the context of what i think about every other component of the world we inhabit.
i think i'd be more likely to fall in love with a robot than a human, but i doubt i'm going to live to see the day...
in the end, transhumanism will probably abolish sex.
i'm ahead of the curve on this and i know it. same as all the other things....
--
when i was a kid, i used to often hear that
"women can do anything men can do except pee standing up."
my dad told me that. often. i think there's quite a bit of truth to it.
if i really sit down and carefully weigh what life is going to be like pre and post srs, i have to honestly conclude that the only thing that's actually going to change is the peeing standing up part......and for the months of therapy and healing and everything else involved, it's hard to come up with a logical argument in favour of it.
there's an emotional component, but i've never been driven by emotion, i've always been driven by logic.
if it was 15 years ago, the calculation would be different, but it's pointless now, i'm too old.
--
so, i had a bad appointment today...
i'm done flipping out over it for now. back to work.
i didn't get my clarity mix up before midnight, i got distracted. it'll be before the end of the weekend.
as expected, 'mom' has reclaimed top spot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oSadVCVav8&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbslW9qCBKT_nEcwUt1DY0aN
the wonderful noise is also track number three to cross one thousand hits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHCzsrJk55M&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbslW9qCBKT_nEcwUt1DY0aN
the second demo will enter it's promo cycle at the end of october. right now, it seems like most videos will get very close to or over 1000 views. i'm not setting goals for these as i move, but that's a decent start, i think.
as expected, 'mom' has reclaimed top spot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oSadVCVav8&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbslW9qCBKT_nEcwUt1DY0aN
the wonderful noise is also track number three to cross one thousand hits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHCzsrJk55M&list=PL3JSjmqp0cbslW9qCBKT_nEcwUt1DY0aN
the second demo will enter it's promo cycle at the end of october. right now, it seems like most videos will get very close to or over 1000 views. i'm not setting goals for these as i move, but that's a decent start, i think.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
i've received a lot of bad comparisons over the years, but comparisons to this ariel pink character may be the worst i've ever heard.
as far as i can tell, he's some kind of 60s novelty act, right? i write futuristic chaotic noise rock.
i'll admit i've only heard two or three songs, and i've skipped through all of them (because he couldn't even catch my attention for ten seconds), but i seem to be the precise opposite of this guy.
i mean, 60s music from the 60s was mostly garbage.
who needs to hear 60s music from the 2010s? what's the point? why not just go climb into your great-grandmother's grave?
what's weird is that the young people nowadays seem to look at the 60s the same way that conservatives of my generation once looked at the 50s - it's a simpler time, when things were perfect, before the complications of modern existence.
a fantasy, of course. there were significant riots in the 50s, and even more riots in the 60s than the 50s. if i was alive at the time, i wouldn't be singing dylan songs in the park with the other dipshit hippies, i'd be out taking part in them...
i think that's why the comparison bothers me. he's a fucking hippie.
or at least i think he is, i don't know much about him.
i might be wrong, i dunno.
i'm not really interested in wasting the time listening to it to figure that out.
as far as i can tell, he's some kind of 60s novelty act, right? i write futuristic chaotic noise rock.
i'll admit i've only heard two or three songs, and i've skipped through all of them (because he couldn't even catch my attention for ten seconds), but i seem to be the precise opposite of this guy.
i mean, 60s music from the 60s was mostly garbage.
who needs to hear 60s music from the 2010s? what's the point? why not just go climb into your great-grandmother's grave?
what's weird is that the young people nowadays seem to look at the 60s the same way that conservatives of my generation once looked at the 50s - it's a simpler time, when things were perfect, before the complications of modern existence.
a fantasy, of course. there were significant riots in the 50s, and even more riots in the 60s than the 50s. if i was alive at the time, i wouldn't be singing dylan songs in the park with the other dipshit hippies, i'd be out taking part in them...
i think that's why the comparison bothers me. he's a fucking hippie.
or at least i think he is, i don't know much about him.
i might be wrong, i dunno.
i'm not really interested in wasting the time listening to it to figure that out.
revised workflow for 2002....
inri35:
clarity - feb 1
inri36:
9:46 - feb 8
me, myself middle mix - feb 10, 2002
inri37:
9:46 - feb 8, 2002
day - feb 19? - organize this after 9:46
clarity complete - mar 2, 2002
time - mar 2, 2002 ()
psi - mar 8, 2002
me, myself complete - may 2, 2002
rabit: may 15?
inri38: acoustic mixes
me, myself live - may 5, 2002
jumped up & down?
day - april 7, 2002.
9:46 - jan, 2002
others
june.
i stopped juggling tracks about this time and went back to a linear work flow, which i greatly prefer.
inri39:
trepanation: spring, 2002. mar 7-july 27.
multiple versions.
aug
inri40: untitled
atom's - mid 2002
penny/nero/untitled - mid 2002 (score)
taught to twist ??
lalala (reflections part 1, alt mix)
sept/oct
inri041: late 2002 - ostrich
nov
inri042: j^2.
spin, clarity (inst), 9:46 (inst), untitled, ostrich and possibly others
dec
inri043: flying - christmas, 2002
releases become less frequent starting in 2003, due primarily to the existence of a relationship that defines the next several years of releases and the move to larger pieces.
inri044: reflections - may, 2003
inri045: thru - june, 2003 (probably)
inri046: kelowna - aug, 2003
there are some necessary releases to note in between, but the next symphony is not complete until late 2004. so, you can see how this slows down and how i'm going to push through it faster once i get through 2002 - hopefully by the end of the year.
ok, off to finish remixing clarity...
inri35:
clarity - feb 1
inri36:
9:46 - feb 8
me, myself middle mix - feb 10, 2002
inri37:
9:46 - feb 8, 2002
day - feb 19? - organize this after 9:46
clarity complete - mar 2, 2002
time - mar 2, 2002 ()
psi - mar 8, 2002
me, myself complete - may 2, 2002
rabit: may 15?
inri38: acoustic mixes
me, myself live - may 5, 2002
jumped up & down?
day - april 7, 2002.
9:46 - jan, 2002
others
june.
i stopped juggling tracks about this time and went back to a linear work flow, which i greatly prefer.
inri39:
trepanation: spring, 2002. mar 7-july 27.
multiple versions.
aug
inri40: untitled
atom's - mid 2002
penny/nero/untitled - mid 2002 (score)
taught to twist ??
lalala (reflections part 1, alt mix)
sept/oct
inri041: late 2002 - ostrich
nov
inri042: j^2.
spin, clarity (inst), 9:46 (inst), untitled, ostrich and possibly others
dec
inri043: flying - christmas, 2002
releases become less frequent starting in 2003, due primarily to the existence of a relationship that defines the next several years of releases and the move to larger pieces.
inri044: reflections - may, 2003
inri045: thru - june, 2003 (probably)
inri046: kelowna - aug, 2003
there are some necessary releases to note in between, but the next symphony is not complete until late 2004. so, you can see how this slows down and how i'm going to push through it faster once i get through 2002 - hopefully by the end of the year.
ok, off to finish remixing clarity...
real life things happened less this week than i was expecting.
things i got done:
1) groceries.
2) set a dr's apt
3) cleaned
4) laundry
*5) attend dr's apt
* tomorrow. no, our public health insurance up here isn't so outstanding that you get an appointment in a day, i happen to have been playing phone tag and she'd already pencilled me in because she couldn't get a hold of me. well, i don't actually have a phone, so reaching me in real time with a phone number is actually impossible at the moment. yeah, how's that for being a hipster? no phone. ahahaha...
i honestly don't want to pay for the phone. that's really the crux of it. i pay roughly $20/yr for a mailbox. i will eventually get a phone and connect it to the voip service; for now, i'm using the leave-a-message-i'll-call-back approach, which creates problems when the other side is always busy.
the other thing is that i don't trust phones. i'm in the "harmless, but monitored out of interest" category. i don't need the cia following my gps around. it's just unsettling. i don't know how so many people can just shrug it off.
things i didn't get done:
1) buying wood. i can't; the bus is on detour. in a few weeks.
2) compost dropoff. i would have had to go this morning, but i slept-in. i leave my compost in the freezer until it builds up, then drop it off to some kids that use it to feed hungry people. i think it's technically a muslim group, but i don't get the impression that they're proselytizing. i'm solely interested in the feeding hungry people part. yeah, the state should do it, but if you've been in a food bank you know that items like fresh vegetables aren't actually there. it's mostly about dumping near expired goods. i don't like it, but i understand that the thatcher-reagan system is designed for religious groups to fill this void. given that reality, i'd much rather support a minority muslim group than a dominant christian group. balances of power and whatnot. so, i've got these giant bags of frozen banana peels and stuff and i need to walk 2-3 km to get them to there. leaky banana peel juice is kind of nasty, so i tend to prefer to go in the spring and fall when it's close to 0 to minimize the melt. i'll take this out next week, when the temperature gets back down to 3 or 4.
anyways....that means i've got all day to record, and i will! some kind of clarity something or other should be up before midnight...
things i got done:
1) groceries.
2) set a dr's apt
3) cleaned
4) laundry
*5) attend dr's apt
* tomorrow. no, our public health insurance up here isn't so outstanding that you get an appointment in a day, i happen to have been playing phone tag and she'd already pencilled me in because she couldn't get a hold of me. well, i don't actually have a phone, so reaching me in real time with a phone number is actually impossible at the moment. yeah, how's that for being a hipster? no phone. ahahaha...
i honestly don't want to pay for the phone. that's really the crux of it. i pay roughly $20/yr for a mailbox. i will eventually get a phone and connect it to the voip service; for now, i'm using the leave-a-message-i'll-call-back approach, which creates problems when the other side is always busy.
the other thing is that i don't trust phones. i'm in the "harmless, but monitored out of interest" category. i don't need the cia following my gps around. it's just unsettling. i don't know how so many people can just shrug it off.
things i didn't get done:
1) buying wood. i can't; the bus is on detour. in a few weeks.
2) compost dropoff. i would have had to go this morning, but i slept-in. i leave my compost in the freezer until it builds up, then drop it off to some kids that use it to feed hungry people. i think it's technically a muslim group, but i don't get the impression that they're proselytizing. i'm solely interested in the feeding hungry people part. yeah, the state should do it, but if you've been in a food bank you know that items like fresh vegetables aren't actually there. it's mostly about dumping near expired goods. i don't like it, but i understand that the thatcher-reagan system is designed for religious groups to fill this void. given that reality, i'd much rather support a minority muslim group than a dominant christian group. balances of power and whatnot. so, i've got these giant bags of frozen banana peels and stuff and i need to walk 2-3 km to get them to there. leaky banana peel juice is kind of nasty, so i tend to prefer to go in the spring and fall when it's close to 0 to minimize the melt. i'll take this out next week, when the temperature gets back down to 3 or 4.
anyways....that means i've got all day to record, and i will! some kind of clarity something or other should be up before midnight...
got some student loan mail, today.
minimum payment: $1100 month. right. ahahahahaha....
i qualify as very low income, it's not really a serious concern. i'm actually not sure if the best thing to do is to ignore it or to apply for further loan forgiveness, but i'm going to ignore it for now. i mean, they can try to debit my account if they want, but they're going to get nsf every single time.
obviously, if i catch them doing that, i'll have to call them. until then? meh...
i'm in the "zero chance of paying back a dime" category.
if it comes down to it, i'm more likely to nail gun my forehead to the cra building in protest, kind of thing.
i didn't want to get in this mess and did a lot of juggling a few years ago to avoid it. what happened was my father pleaded with me to go back to school around '08. i really, really didn't want to, because i didn't want to take on more loans for more useless schooling. i was aware at the time that it wasn't going to get me any closer to accomplishing my goals in life. however, he convinced me to go back by telling me he'd pay tuition and rent. that gave me the following choice:
1) work bullshit jobs to pay rent and do music in spare time
2) go to school and have rent paid for and do music in spare time
school doesn't have strict schedules. nobody yells at you for showing up late. you don't have to deal with people. it's a better choice....so long as you don't have to pay for it.
so, i took him up on his offer.
about a month before classes started, he tells me the market crashed (this is the infamous '08 crash - it's true, it did crash, and pretty badly) and he can't pay for it in real time, but if i take out a loan then he'll pay it back later. at this point, i'm kind of screwed. i need to make a quick choice - find *immediate* employment, or take out a loan. i'd been living off a few thousand dollars i had put away for the previous few months, waiting for the rent money to start coming in in september.
finding immediate employment didn't work, so i took out a loan under the promise that he'd pay it back when i was done school.
now, he's dead (and left me basically nothing) and i have a $50K student loan that i'm never going to pay back.
i can blame myself on some level. i did make an error. i sort of had little choice but to take the loan by the time september came around, as it was the only option i had to pay rent. however, i shouldn't have put myself in a situation where i was so reliant on money coming in. in my defence, my father was always very reliable in the past. i had little doubt in believing him.
unfortunately, he badly misjudged his financial situation and lead me around by the nose a little, convincing me that he'd eventually be able to pay it down for me when the market recovered. as we all know, the market never really recovered. i held on to some resentment about this for quite a while, but in hindsight i have to come to terms with the fact that it was a function of bad planning and i'm as much at fault (moreso for not taking control of the situation for myself) as he is.
that doesn't change the fact that i can't pay this back, and i knew i was never going to pay it back as i was signing up for it.
i'll let them do the work in really tracking me down....
i'm not exactly up to date on the letter of loan forgiveness legislation, but it will no doubt kick in eventually.
don't worry - i'll check out what's offered at the university of windsor before i start nail gunning myself anywhere.
but for now, i'm ignoring it...
if i can get enough music finished before they find me, that might be what i want to end up doing, anyways.
i mean, i realize going to school isn't going to help me accomplish any of my current life goals, but there's going to be a point where these things are going to be more aligned. maybe around the age of 40 or so. i wouldn't mind living the last thirty years of my life as an associate prof somewhere, but if i don't get the music out of my system then i'm never going to have my head focused there enough to delve into it.
i'm an A+ student when i want to be. the problem is i've historically usually wanted to spend my time doing something else. the idea of advancing through these departments has really not appealed to me. but i'm well aware that i will eventually reach a point where i do want to be an A+ student because i will want to get somewhere in some department..
conversely, i don't see any future in an employment role whatsoever. there's nothing worthwhile to it. no goals, no aspirations...just a waste of time.
at this point, considering the size of the existing debt, i don't care how old i am, or how much debt it produces, i'll always pick school over employment so long as the option exists.
minimum payment: $1100 month. right. ahahahahaha....
i qualify as very low income, it's not really a serious concern. i'm actually not sure if the best thing to do is to ignore it or to apply for further loan forgiveness, but i'm going to ignore it for now. i mean, they can try to debit my account if they want, but they're going to get nsf every single time.
obviously, if i catch them doing that, i'll have to call them. until then? meh...
i'm in the "zero chance of paying back a dime" category.
if it comes down to it, i'm more likely to nail gun my forehead to the cra building in protest, kind of thing.
i didn't want to get in this mess and did a lot of juggling a few years ago to avoid it. what happened was my father pleaded with me to go back to school around '08. i really, really didn't want to, because i didn't want to take on more loans for more useless schooling. i was aware at the time that it wasn't going to get me any closer to accomplishing my goals in life. however, he convinced me to go back by telling me he'd pay tuition and rent. that gave me the following choice:
1) work bullshit jobs to pay rent and do music in spare time
2) go to school and have rent paid for and do music in spare time
school doesn't have strict schedules. nobody yells at you for showing up late. you don't have to deal with people. it's a better choice....so long as you don't have to pay for it.
so, i took him up on his offer.
about a month before classes started, he tells me the market crashed (this is the infamous '08 crash - it's true, it did crash, and pretty badly) and he can't pay for it in real time, but if i take out a loan then he'll pay it back later. at this point, i'm kind of screwed. i need to make a quick choice - find *immediate* employment, or take out a loan. i'd been living off a few thousand dollars i had put away for the previous few months, waiting for the rent money to start coming in in september.
finding immediate employment didn't work, so i took out a loan under the promise that he'd pay it back when i was done school.
now, he's dead (and left me basically nothing) and i have a $50K student loan that i'm never going to pay back.
i can blame myself on some level. i did make an error. i sort of had little choice but to take the loan by the time september came around, as it was the only option i had to pay rent. however, i shouldn't have put myself in a situation where i was so reliant on money coming in. in my defence, my father was always very reliable in the past. i had little doubt in believing him.
unfortunately, he badly misjudged his financial situation and lead me around by the nose a little, convincing me that he'd eventually be able to pay it down for me when the market recovered. as we all know, the market never really recovered. i held on to some resentment about this for quite a while, but in hindsight i have to come to terms with the fact that it was a function of bad planning and i'm as much at fault (moreso for not taking control of the situation for myself) as he is.
that doesn't change the fact that i can't pay this back, and i knew i was never going to pay it back as i was signing up for it.
i'll let them do the work in really tracking me down....
i'm not exactly up to date on the letter of loan forgiveness legislation, but it will no doubt kick in eventually.
don't worry - i'll check out what's offered at the university of windsor before i start nail gunning myself anywhere.
but for now, i'm ignoring it...
if i can get enough music finished before they find me, that might be what i want to end up doing, anyways.
i mean, i realize going to school isn't going to help me accomplish any of my current life goals, but there's going to be a point where these things are going to be more aligned. maybe around the age of 40 or so. i wouldn't mind living the last thirty years of my life as an associate prof somewhere, but if i don't get the music out of my system then i'm never going to have my head focused there enough to delve into it.
i'm an A+ student when i want to be. the problem is i've historically usually wanted to spend my time doing something else. the idea of advancing through these departments has really not appealed to me. but i'm well aware that i will eventually reach a point where i do want to be an A+ student because i will want to get somewhere in some department..
conversely, i don't see any future in an employment role whatsoever. there's nothing worthwhile to it. no goals, no aspirations...just a waste of time.
at this point, considering the size of the existing debt, i don't care how old i am, or how much debt it produces, i'll always pick school over employment so long as the option exists.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
i have more subscribers in the last ten hours than i have views on the video i just uploaded.
youtube, you're fired.
no, seriously. whoever's pushing this model needs the boot. i've been through this. it doesn't require much thought to deconstruct it as nonsensical, and all i'm getting is empirical confirmation of that very basic analysis.
and, i know - i'm the product, right? it's how they sell it to advertisers, and they just expect everybody to conform to the system they're selling. but it defies reason, and the advertisers are going to figure this out, eventually.
that's the business world, right: fools selling nonsense to fools, who buy the nonsense because they're fools.
i should really just relax and enjoy my artist subsidy and not concern myself with it.
there is an upside to the subscriber count, i'll admit - the more subscribers you have, the higher your posts rank in the comment section. i have some ethical opposition to this, but so long as it's there, i can't complain about it. so, yeah, maybe i have 215 subscribers and apparently something like 20 of them are actually interested and it's annoying. but, they're helping me reach a larger potential audience and i should be grateful for that.
"subscribers! what's up with these weirdos? they say they want to get your videos in their feed, then they don't watch them. what's with that?"
youtube, you're fired.
no, seriously. whoever's pushing this model needs the boot. i've been through this. it doesn't require much thought to deconstruct it as nonsensical, and all i'm getting is empirical confirmation of that very basic analysis.
and, i know - i'm the product, right? it's how they sell it to advertisers, and they just expect everybody to conform to the system they're selling. but it defies reason, and the advertisers are going to figure this out, eventually.
that's the business world, right: fools selling nonsense to fools, who buy the nonsense because they're fools.
i should really just relax and enjoy my artist subsidy and not concern myself with it.
there is an upside to the subscriber count, i'll admit - the more subscribers you have, the higher your posts rank in the comment section. i have some ethical opposition to this, but so long as it's there, i can't complain about it. so, yeah, maybe i have 215 subscribers and apparently something like 20 of them are actually interested and it's annoying. but, they're helping me reach a larger potential audience and i should be grateful for that.
"subscribers! what's up with these weirdos? they say they want to get your videos in their feed, then they don't watch them. what's with that?"
regarding the three tracks shuffled out of tetris...
tetris wasn't ever really a real record, it was a collection of a bunch of half-finished ideas centered around the concept of being "techno guitar" music. they can't all end up together; they're located too far away in time from each other and there wouldn't even be enough space on a single disc for me to finish them all properly. these ideas will end up on records, but not all on the same record.
if i'm left with a collection of finished techy guitar tracks to release as a disc, i will name that disc tetris. otherwise, i will likely produce a new compilation that is strictly indebted to the actual idea and that will pay no attention to the chronology.
i also had the idea around the same time of taking my favourite club music and orchestrating it with guitar solos. i don't mean writing new songs, i mean taking pieces by idm artists and going to town with them. i've spent large amounts of my time jamming over techno records, so i'd like to capture it somehow.
it's a tricky thing to do right, as there's a careful line between using the beats as inspiration for guitar music and just sounding like "guitar karaoke". i will be careful to find the line when i get there. it may turn out that this concept is actually what becomes of the tetris record.
you can be certain that there will be tetris release, and it will be techy guitar music. it's just not clear what material will be on it, yet.
tetris wasn't ever really a real record, it was a collection of a bunch of half-finished ideas centered around the concept of being "techno guitar" music. they can't all end up together; they're located too far away in time from each other and there wouldn't even be enough space on a single disc for me to finish them all properly. these ideas will end up on records, but not all on the same record.
if i'm left with a collection of finished techy guitar tracks to release as a disc, i will name that disc tetris. otherwise, i will likely produce a new compilation that is strictly indebted to the actual idea and that will pay no attention to the chronology.
i also had the idea around the same time of taking my favourite club music and orchestrating it with guitar solos. i don't mean writing new songs, i mean taking pieces by idm artists and going to town with them. i've spent large amounts of my time jamming over techno records, so i'd like to capture it somehow.
it's a tricky thing to do right, as there's a careful line between using the beats as inspiration for guitar music and just sounding like "guitar karaoke". i will be careful to find the line when i get there. it may turn out that this concept is actually what becomes of the tetris record.
you can be certain that there will be tetris release, and it will be techy guitar music. it's just not clear what material will be on it, yet.
i'm going to introduce a 9:46 single as inri036.
the clarity single will be set up like this:
1) nov mix
2) zen
3) 2002 instrumental mix
4) 2002 vocal mix
*5) remixed vocal mix
**6) final instrumental mix
* will replace the existing rabit version. the vocals will be mixed a little quieter in some places, and the dynamics should be better. it will otherwise be the same mix.
** will end up on jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj^2 and will include some flourishes.
the 9:46 single will be arranged similarly.
the clarity single will be set up like this:
1) nov mix
2) zen
3) 2002 instrumental mix
4) 2002 vocal mix
*5) remixed vocal mix
**6) final instrumental mix
* will replace the existing rabit version. the vocals will be mixed a little quieter in some places, and the dynamics should be better. it will otherwise be the same mix.
** will end up on jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj^2 and will include some flourishes.
the 9:46 single will be arranged similarly.
lol. actually, no.
there's construction on the main street about a block from my place. normally, the bus would go right through there, but it's detoured quite a ways around due to the construction.
i'm going to be carrying a significant amount of wood home. i could handle a block or two, but it's simply too far to walk.
so, i guess i'll have to wait until the construction is done. it should only be a week or two.
guess i'll do laundry.
i mean, this shelf is going to hold nearly 2000 cds. i don't have that many anymore, but i'm thinking ahead. there's five lengthy pieces of wood and 22 shelves involved. i can't be walking over a kilometre back with it.
there's construction on the main street about a block from my place. normally, the bus would go right through there, but it's detoured quite a ways around due to the construction.
i'm going to be carrying a significant amount of wood home. i could handle a block or two, but it's simply too far to walk.
so, i guess i'll have to wait until the construction is done. it should only be a week or two.
guess i'll do laundry.
i mean, this shelf is going to hold nearly 2000 cds. i don't have that many anymore, but i'm thinking ahead. there's five lengthy pieces of wood and 22 shelves involved. i can't be walking over a kilometre back with it.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
doing real life things this week.
today, i got some serious groceries done. still have to clean, and finalize the schematics for the cd shelf. i also set a doctor's appointment.
tomorrow, i get the wood for the cd shelf. i'll probably also do laundry.
thursday morning, i'll be transporting compost out to the compost people. they're some kids that grow tomatoes and give it away to hungry people. it's better than dumping the coffee grinds and tomato ends in the dumpster, where the organic material simply becomes useless.
friday, i have a doctor's appointment.
seems trivial. but i actually have a hard time making sure i'm doing things like this regularly. they tend to sit. forever.
i might get a mix of clarity done over the next few days, but that's uncertain.
i'm still not clear what i'm doing about drilling.
i'm kind of hoping home depot has a drill bit where i can just get them to do the holes. even if it's a buck a hole or something, it's better and probably even cheaper in the long run.
if not, something i'll want to check when i'm there is the price of bits. there are $20 drills in the pawn shops, but they don't have bits. i only really need the one bit. there's consequently basically no chance i'm going to buy a drill set. if i can just get one bit there at a reasonable price, i probably will and then get the $20 drill.
if i can't get the one bit? at the moment, i'm leaning towards finding some kind of co-op as a preferable option. surely, there's somewhere around here where i can just take a few pieces of wood in and drill some holes in them.
the other stuff i built is just screwing screws into particle board. yes, it's cracked a little, but it's the kind of thing where it's like "who cares?" - so long as it's sturdy. a makeup shelf doesn't take a lot of force. the stove is holding up the piece with the coffee maker. the little table i'm going to make is likely going to be lodged between a chair and a wall. these are items that don't need to be particularly sturdy, so long as they're handled intelligently.
a cd shelf is a different animal because it has to be standalone and has to keep up quite a bit of weight. so, i need to be drilling cleaner holes into bigger pieces of actual wood. i'll probably use particle board for the shelves, but i want solid wood for the bases. i'm probably simply not going to be able to screw the pieces together by hand.
i might try, though, if it comes down to spending $100 on a drill and bit set that i'm going to use a handful of times and then toss in a closet for twenty years.
actually, i'm going to need to drill holes for the pegs, too...
hrmmn.
i don't even know what size they are. i should figure that out before i go.
those shoes are also dead, the rain exposed holes in the bottom of both shoes, but i wasn't expecting them to last long, with the amount of walking that i do. these were very cheaply made shoes. i'm going to let them dry out and keep them for short in/out use, but they're useless for going more than a block.
i got a pair of pink cons about the same time, but i haven't been wearing them much because i tend to get stuck in one pair. those are now the main shoes, but i want to keep them out of the wet, too. so i'm mostly moving to those children's rain boots i got for the fall/winter/spring.
the cheap shoes were actually 2 for 1 so i already have another pair of cheap shoes that i can wear down to nothing for next year....
today, i got some serious groceries done. still have to clean, and finalize the schematics for the cd shelf. i also set a doctor's appointment.
tomorrow, i get the wood for the cd shelf. i'll probably also do laundry.
thursday morning, i'll be transporting compost out to the compost people. they're some kids that grow tomatoes and give it away to hungry people. it's better than dumping the coffee grinds and tomato ends in the dumpster, where the organic material simply becomes useless.
friday, i have a doctor's appointment.
seems trivial. but i actually have a hard time making sure i'm doing things like this regularly. they tend to sit. forever.
i might get a mix of clarity done over the next few days, but that's uncertain.
i'm still not clear what i'm doing about drilling.
i'm kind of hoping home depot has a drill bit where i can just get them to do the holes. even if it's a buck a hole or something, it's better and probably even cheaper in the long run.
if not, something i'll want to check when i'm there is the price of bits. there are $20 drills in the pawn shops, but they don't have bits. i only really need the one bit. there's consequently basically no chance i'm going to buy a drill set. if i can just get one bit there at a reasonable price, i probably will and then get the $20 drill.
if i can't get the one bit? at the moment, i'm leaning towards finding some kind of co-op as a preferable option. surely, there's somewhere around here where i can just take a few pieces of wood in and drill some holes in them.
the other stuff i built is just screwing screws into particle board. yes, it's cracked a little, but it's the kind of thing where it's like "who cares?" - so long as it's sturdy. a makeup shelf doesn't take a lot of force. the stove is holding up the piece with the coffee maker. the little table i'm going to make is likely going to be lodged between a chair and a wall. these are items that don't need to be particularly sturdy, so long as they're handled intelligently.
a cd shelf is a different animal because it has to be standalone and has to keep up quite a bit of weight. so, i need to be drilling cleaner holes into bigger pieces of actual wood. i'll probably use particle board for the shelves, but i want solid wood for the bases. i'm probably simply not going to be able to screw the pieces together by hand.
i might try, though, if it comes down to spending $100 on a drill and bit set that i'm going to use a handful of times and then toss in a closet for twenty years.
actually, i'm going to need to drill holes for the pegs, too...
hrmmn.
i don't even know what size they are. i should figure that out before i go.
those shoes are also dead, the rain exposed holes in the bottom of both shoes, but i wasn't expecting them to last long, with the amount of walking that i do. these were very cheaply made shoes. i'm going to let them dry out and keep them for short in/out use, but they're useless for going more than a block.
i got a pair of pink cons about the same time, but i haven't been wearing them much because i tend to get stuck in one pair. those are now the main shoes, but i want to keep them out of the wet, too. so i'm mostly moving to those children's rain boots i got for the fall/winter/spring.
the cheap shoes were actually 2 for 1 so i already have another pair of cheap shoes that i can wear down to nothing for next year....
the usb card works, so i really did get a functioning usb 2.0 card
from china for $4. it's not fixing the problem i hoped it would, though.
i have a really old motherboard with usb 1.0 slots on it. this is expanded with a 2.0 hub. i want to connect a 3.0 external drive to that hub. it works, but it's very slow through the hub - much slower than it is directly connecting it to the 1.0. it's a tb drive. now, the 1.1 is workable, but it means i have to leave the drive in an unheated area. the point of the exercise is to bring the drive into the living room, where i don't have to worry about it possibly freezing. i checked the temperature in there last winter and it's not actually that cold but i'm uneasy about it - even though it may even be better to leave it in a chilled environment.
i knew it was the hub the whole time, but i was hoping that upgrading to a 2.0 card would make it a little better as it would need to convert one fewer times. that didn't work out, which leads me to believe it's a model problem rather than a speed problem. in other words, i need to try a new hub.
for the $4, i can't complain, though. it's a valid upgrade and it may find a use before the motherboard crashes.
there's an added annoyance, though, which is that it doesn't read the wireless mouse or keyboard through the pci card until windows launches. it reads them on bootup when plugged directly into the motherboard. so, if i do get another hub, i'll probably leave them both active - the old one through the motherboard and the new one through the 2.0 card.
regardless, the actual pc in there is now built to it's maximum specs. there's nothing else the motherboard can take besides a negligible increase in clock speed. as old as the machine is, i have little reason to think it's going to die any time soon. it's still useful a backup pc, so it's still useful to have the 2.0 card in there. besides a little table that i plan on building in the next week, that's the last thing i wanted to do in that room...
i have a really old motherboard with usb 1.0 slots on it. this is expanded with a 2.0 hub. i want to connect a 3.0 external drive to that hub. it works, but it's very slow through the hub - much slower than it is directly connecting it to the 1.0. it's a tb drive. now, the 1.1 is workable, but it means i have to leave the drive in an unheated area. the point of the exercise is to bring the drive into the living room, where i don't have to worry about it possibly freezing. i checked the temperature in there last winter and it's not actually that cold but i'm uneasy about it - even though it may even be better to leave it in a chilled environment.
i knew it was the hub the whole time, but i was hoping that upgrading to a 2.0 card would make it a little better as it would need to convert one fewer times. that didn't work out, which leads me to believe it's a model problem rather than a speed problem. in other words, i need to try a new hub.
for the $4, i can't complain, though. it's a valid upgrade and it may find a use before the motherboard crashes.
there's an added annoyance, though, which is that it doesn't read the wireless mouse or keyboard through the pci card until windows launches. it reads them on bootup when plugged directly into the motherboard. so, if i do get another hub, i'll probably leave them both active - the old one through the motherboard and the new one through the 2.0 card.
regardless, the actual pc in there is now built to it's maximum specs. there's nothing else the motherboard can take besides a negligible increase in clock speed. as old as the machine is, i have little reason to think it's going to die any time soon. it's still useful a backup pc, so it's still useful to have the 2.0 card in there. besides a little table that i plan on building in the next week, that's the last thing i wanted to do in that room...
heat's on earlier this year than i can remember in quite a while. i'm
used to turning it on mid october or early november. i actually don't
think i've ever turned it on the first week of october....
*shrug*. there was an abrupt shift rather than a slow cool down. it's just not going to hold over 21 in here very long when it's below ten degrees outside. and it doesn't look like it's warming back up to the point that i can get the heat back off.
it might not be on very strong for the next few weeks, but it's definitely triggered itself at 21 degrees. hopefully it's off early.
*shrug*. there was an abrupt shift rather than a slow cool down. it's just not going to hold over 21 in here very long when it's below ten degrees outside. and it doesn't look like it's warming back up to the point that i can get the heat back off.
it might not be on very strong for the next few weeks, but it's definitely triggered itself at 21 degrees. hopefully it's off early.
Monday, October 6, 2014
publishing the wave (inri053)
symphony 3.
this came out of a two-person psychedelic folk project i was working in over late 2001 and into mid 2002. we had brainstormed the idea of a piece that slowly built itself up, like a wave, and that had sporadic pieces of poetry interspersed as it did so. of the two of us, i was the musician, and he was the poet; i generally produced the music by myself. however, my vision of the track proved to be much larger than his, to the point that the two ideas could not be effectively reconciled given the deficit of technology available to us (i simply couldn't find a way to get enough resources to condense the track to under ten minutes). that left me with this seventy minute ambient piece that has mostly stayed hidden in my closet over the last twelve years.
in 2014, i strongly contemplated reconstructing the short version out of existing material, but it would have required a rethink of the process that i felt would be invasive to the poet involved.
this is very much process music. it's built on 36 distinct loops of identical length (just under 57 seconds) that assemble the collage up on a loop by loop basis, hitting it's full point only in the 35th loop. the 36th loop does not fit into any of the patterns that define the first 35, but is nonetheless the climax of the piece. this is followed by a disassembling process that is precisely the reverse of the assembling process. together, this produces the effect of a long wave of sound washing over the listener.
aesthetically, it's likely clear that i had been listening to a lot of "kosmische" style synthesizer music of european origin. it's actually a key part of my musical style, so a bigger exploration of it's themes is not at all out of place. however, i generally prefer to take ideas from the genre and recontextualize them rather than delve into a full exploration. this is somewhat unique in my discography as being an album-length analog synthesizer work.
either as ambient or kosmische or process music, this is mostly meant as background music.
written late 2001 and early 2002. this file is ripped from a cd-r that was burnt around 2002, as that was the option that would produce the most accurate reproduction of the original composition. republished without modification in 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - synthesizers, guitar, bass, digital wave editing, production, composition
released january 15, 2002
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
this came out of a two-person psychedelic folk project i was working in over late 2001 and into mid 2002. we had brainstormed the idea of a piece that slowly built itself up, like a wave, and that had sporadic pieces of poetry interspersed as it did so. of the two of us, i was the musician, and he was the poet; i generally produced the music by myself. however, my vision of the track proved to be much larger than his, to the point that the two ideas could not be effectively reconciled given the deficit of technology available to us (i simply couldn't find a way to get enough resources to condense the track to under ten minutes). that left me with this seventy minute ambient piece that has mostly stayed hidden in my closet over the last twelve years.
in 2014, i strongly contemplated reconstructing the short version out of existing material, but it would have required a rethink of the process that i felt would be invasive to the poet involved.
this is very much process music. it's built on 36 distinct loops of identical length (just under 57 seconds) that assemble the collage up on a loop by loop basis, hitting it's full point only in the 35th loop. the 36th loop does not fit into any of the patterns that define the first 35, but is nonetheless the climax of the piece. this is followed by a disassembling process that is precisely the reverse of the assembling process. together, this produces the effect of a long wave of sound washing over the listener.
aesthetically, it's likely clear that i had been listening to a lot of "kosmische" style synthesizer music of european origin. it's actually a key part of my musical style, so a bigger exploration of it's themes is not at all out of place. however, i generally prefer to take ideas from the genre and recontextualize them rather than delve into a full exploration. this is somewhat unique in my discography as being an album-length analog synthesizer work.
either as ambient or kosmische or process music, this is mostly meant as background music.
written late 2001 and early 2002. this file is ripped from a cd-r that was burnt around 2002, as that was the option that would produce the most accurate reproduction of the original composition. republished without modification in 2014. as always, please use headphones.
credits:
j - synthesizers, guitar, bass, digital wave editing, production, composition
released january 15, 2002
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave
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