Thursday, June 25, 2015
and, i think the argument of comparing my general competency test score (which is off the charts, just unheard of, nobody gets 90% on these tests) to my inability to pass the workplace behaviour test is compelling. apparently, i'm a genius. but i'm also apparently incapable of behaving in a work environment.
i can write an essay in an hour (see: this thread), but i need to get going on this. i bought a pack of smokes to keep me up all night, it would be stupid for me to waste that. i need to eat first, though. and i need to read over some old posts, first.
i've been toying in my mind the idea of being systematic about it by looking at the following three options: inability to work, inability to find work and unwillingness to work. i kind of want to explore the intersectionalities of these three ideas. but i need to look at the precise essay question a little more closely and make sure i'm actually answering the right question.
i've been toying in my mind the idea of being systematic about it by looking at the following three options: inability to work, inability to find work and unwillingness to work. i kind of want to explore the intersectionalities of these three ideas. but i need to look at the precise essay question a little more closely and make sure i'm actually answering the right question.
i actually think i should be able to reconstruct most of the first one. the bigger question is whether it's going to be interesting as an instrumental work - and i think it mostly will be. it's the second one that's a little more up in the air, partly because it was constructed largely from the outtakes from the first one. but i'm going to just go through each of the files in the order they were recorded (not the order they're sequenced), finish them in every possible way i can think of and then figure out what i want to do with them.
see, the thing is that each of the first three tracks already have three or four versions, so they're already naturally "singles". and if i end up with ten singles, i have nowhere to put them.
i might explore the idea of putting them in as inri04a, inri04b, etc. that's kind of crappy.
or, i might crack and renumber. i've sold three discs so far, and they're all to the same person. it's not the most profound problem if those discs end up renumbered. i don't like this idea, but it's more important that the discography has it's proper shape.
see, the thing is that each of the first three tracks already have three or four versions, so they're already naturally "singles". and if i end up with ten singles, i have nowhere to put them.
i might explore the idea of putting them in as inri04a, inri04b, etc. that's kind of crappy.
or, i might crack and renumber. i've sold three discs so far, and they're all to the same person. it's not the most profound problem if those discs end up renumbered. i don't like this idea, but it's more important that the discography has it's proper shape.
so, i could end up with anywhere from 10 to 60 more tracks out of this. *shrug*.
i mean, my analysis of this period is that it's actually interesting music. i just don't like the vocals. at the same time, i want the period documented properly. again: i wish i had checked the tapes, because i would have realized the tracks are not at all "lost" and i would have completed it in sequence. i kind of thought i only had two or three tracks to work with (the ones i kept sequences for), not 22 of them.
i mean, my analysis of this period is that it's actually interesting music. i just don't like the vocals. at the same time, i want the period documented properly. again: i wish i had checked the tapes, because i would have realized the tracks are not at all "lost" and i would have completed it in sequence. i kind of thought i only had two or three tracks to work with (the ones i kept sequences for), not 22 of them.
of course, one of the things i'll have to try and figure out is just how much of it actually stands up as instrumental music. a lot of it was written as verse-chorus-verse-bridge-chorus, which can sometimes work, but sometimes doesn't. the vocals are mostly lame. but there's no point in replacing lame with lame. and i'm not rewriting 20 year old vocal parts...
there's 22 tracks from the tapes; the rest of the tracks from this period (98-99; inri and inriched) are purely digital. these 22 tracks are digitized across each channel on the four-track. for starters, i'm going to want to strip the vocals out of almost all of them (excluding the ones that are already instruumental). then i'm going to want to see how closely i can reconstruct the records, as they were. if i can do this reasonably well, i'll probably just turn inri and inriched into double records, with the original vocal versions on the flip side. that will take care of the bulk of it. then i'm going to need to chew on whether i want to replace the remasters i did in 2013 with the original mixes.
some of them, i'm going to want to compile together into electronic soundscapes that just include the drum machine, some synths and maybe some added vst synths. i'll no doubt crack on some guitars. this may require some rewriting; i'm letting myself go in reinterpreting them. this is what i was planning on being it's own release, sequenced some time in 2016. but it needs to be on this aleph-release, so i need to do this now. i'd have to sequence this to about march, 1999, which means i may turn inricycled B into a double or just replace it. anything else, i don't know. further remixes could conceivably end up on inrimixed.
see, i was thinking of doing this in singles, though. if it turns out that that makes sense, i may have to drop the two demos into negative territory. in truth, i don't actually consider either of them real releases, so i'm ok with doing that, although i obviously don't really want to...
some of them, i'm going to want to compile together into electronic soundscapes that just include the drum machine, some synths and maybe some added vst synths. i'll no doubt crack on some guitars. this may require some rewriting; i'm letting myself go in reinterpreting them. this is what i was planning on being it's own release, sequenced some time in 2016. but it needs to be on this aleph-release, so i need to do this now. i'd have to sequence this to about march, 1999, which means i may turn inricycled B into a double or just replace it. anything else, i don't know. further remixes could conceivably end up on inrimixed.
see, i was thinking of doing this in singles, though. if it turns out that that makes sense, i may have to drop the two demos into negative territory. in truth, i don't actually consider either of them real releases, so i'm ok with doing that, although i obviously don't really want to...
ugh.
basically, when i looked at rehabilitating the inri material as the process of completing the discography almost two years ago, i fucked up. i just let what existed exist as it was. since then, i've taken a more comprehensive look at what i was doing, creating all these singles. that wasn't the initial plan...
i wanted to put a few of the tracks aside for a "chiptune" disc. that became the thru record, composed of material written from 2001-2003. however, it was initially supposed to also include material written over 1997-1998. after some mental gymnastics, i decided to put it off to a future release.
but, now the chronology is all screwed up. what i should have done was finish these files in 2013, and create singles for them.
i also didn't realize that the tapes were in such good condition. i should have checked that...
now that i'm closing the first period...i want everything contained.
i have a few options - i could append them to inrisampled, inrimixed, inrijected or the second inricycled. but none of it's really sitting as well.
i'm going to have to think this through carefully. but whatever i end up doing has to end up on this aleph-0 disc. otherwise, it's sitting open for who knows how long, when the whole point is to permanently close it.
i have to write my odsp essay first, though. but when i come back to this tomorrow, it's going to be with the aim of looking at each of these old song and figuring out exactly what i want to do with each of them. and that's probably going to mean just doing it, in sequence, and then figuring out how to present the material afterwards.
basically, when i looked at rehabilitating the inri material as the process of completing the discography almost two years ago, i fucked up. i just let what existed exist as it was. since then, i've taken a more comprehensive look at what i was doing, creating all these singles. that wasn't the initial plan...
i wanted to put a few of the tracks aside for a "chiptune" disc. that became the thru record, composed of material written from 2001-2003. however, it was initially supposed to also include material written over 1997-1998. after some mental gymnastics, i decided to put it off to a future release.
but, now the chronology is all screwed up. what i should have done was finish these files in 2013, and create singles for them.
i also didn't realize that the tapes were in such good condition. i should have checked that...
now that i'm closing the first period...i want everything contained.
i have a few options - i could append them to inrisampled, inrimixed, inrijected or the second inricycled. but none of it's really sitting as well.
i'm going to have to think this through carefully. but whatever i end up doing has to end up on this aleph-0 disc. otherwise, it's sitting open for who knows how long, when the whole point is to permanently close it.
i have to write my odsp essay first, though. but when i come back to this tomorrow, it's going to be with the aim of looking at each of these old song and figuring out exactly what i want to do with each of them. and that's probably going to mean just doing it, in sequence, and then figuring out how to present the material afterwards.
i've been playing with these aleph discs for a few months and turning various ideas over in my head. a rough concept of period discs for $100 and album box sets for $50 has stabilized, but the contents have fluctuated quite a bit.
as i'm currently finalizing the end of my second compositional period, these aleph discs need to be permanently finalized and put away.
after experimenting with various ideas, i've decided that there is no way out of a comprehensive period one disc. these pieces are too integrated to split at any rational point without splitting ideas across the set. nor does it make sense to put it in a 2xdvd due to the html front-end. rather, it must exist on a dual-layered dvd.
this is literally everything i recorded in the 90s, and the compilation is comprehensive - both mastered & unmastered mixes of everything i can find, unsequenced mixes, outtakes, discarded remixes, used remixes and anything and everything else from the period. it also comes with detailed liner notes - both distributed across the front end and in standalone 130 page documents, in word and pdf formats.
this was a lengthy process because it required cleaning off hundreds of pages of writing on my facebook wall and converting the necessary parts into a front-end. the next couple of these discs will happen much more quickly, as they really mostly just needs to be formatted. it appears, however, that it will take a few more weeks to completely finish this period.
for now, this is inriℵ0 - finally, permanently and irreversibly finished. so, i'm finally permanently moving on...
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-1-2
as i'm currently finalizing the end of my second compositional period, these aleph discs need to be permanently finalized and put away.
after experimenting with various ideas, i've decided that there is no way out of a comprehensive period one disc. these pieces are too integrated to split at any rational point without splitting ideas across the set. nor does it make sense to put it in a 2xdvd due to the html front-end. rather, it must exist on a dual-layered dvd.
this is literally everything i recorded in the 90s, and the compilation is comprehensive - both mastered & unmastered mixes of everything i can find, unsequenced mixes, outtakes, discarded remixes, used remixes and anything and everything else from the period. it also comes with detailed liner notes - both distributed across the front end and in standalone 130 page documents, in word and pdf formats.
this was a lengthy process because it required cleaning off hundreds of pages of writing on my facebook wall and converting the necessary parts into a front-end. the next couple of these discs will happen much more quickly, as they really mostly just needs to be formatted. it appears, however, that it will take a few more weeks to completely finish this period.
for now, this is inriℵ0 - finally, permanently and irreversibly finished. so, i'm finally permanently moving on...
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/merch/period-1-2
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
ugh.
well, i'm going to get another day of compiling in, anyways. i can't really write the essay until i get the papers, and i'm not going to get the papers until tomorrow.
right now, i've been awake far too long and need to sleep. but, the second aleph will be much faster, considering it's only a year's worth of material, is already in easy access mode and is much more self-contained.
part of why i decided to do this is that i won't know what the full period 2 set is going to look like until i get it all in front of me - it could be two or three discs (four is unlikely), and will depend on how 36-52 finish up. i'll have to do some mixing, first, when i get there.
well, i'm going to get another day of compiling in, anyways. i can't really write the essay until i get the papers, and i'm not going to get the papers until tomorrow.
right now, i've been awake far too long and need to sleep. but, the second aleph will be much faster, considering it's only a year's worth of material, is already in easy access mode and is much more self-contained.
part of why i decided to do this is that i won't know what the full period 2 set is going to look like until i get it all in front of me - it could be two or three discs (four is unlikely), and will depend on how 36-52 finish up. i'll have to do some mixing, first, when i get there.
working the document down to just the music posts produces 500 printer sized pages - which is about a 1000 page novel.
i've repeatedly been told i should write a book. journal format is maybe not what they meant, but there it is.
just the aleph-0 disc - which is all backposting - is 130 pages, which is a 250 page novel. the period two disc, which includes more recent documentation, is going to be about a 500-600 page novel.
so, that's why this front-end is taking so long. but, hey, look at it the other way - you get one of the aleph-discs and you get a free e-book, in doc and pdf formats.
by the time i get done period four, i'm going to have a hefty 4,000 page four volume autobiography....
that's fine. that's why i'm doing this.
i'm stopping to eat, but i need to be up overnight and i may actually get it done, after all. i just need to set up the last portion of that document in html format, and then run through it a final time with a fine comb.
i've repeatedly been told i should write a book. journal format is maybe not what they meant, but there it is.
just the aleph-0 disc - which is all backposting - is 130 pages, which is a 250 page novel. the period two disc, which includes more recent documentation, is going to be about a 500-600 page novel.
so, that's why this front-end is taking so long. but, hey, look at it the other way - you get one of the aleph-discs and you get a free e-book, in doc and pdf formats.
by the time i get done period four, i'm going to have a hefty 4,000 page four volume autobiography....
that's fine. that's why i'm doing this.
i'm stopping to eat, but i need to be up overnight and i may actually get it done, after all. i just need to set up the last portion of that document in html format, and then run through it a final time with a fine comb.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
so, the page is cleaned. it's very incomplete, especially from 2003-2012, but it's cleaned. i'd encourage you to actually scroll downwards to see what the page will look like, moving forwards. there's a lot of posts, but it's now manageable; it shouldn't time out, and it's much more to the point. it's meant as a historical document, now, rather than a journal.
ok
hi.
i'm still working through in my head what went wrong. not in 2005. i understand that, and didn't really have a problem letting you go, then. we agreed it was a mutual breakup due to different life goals. it's what happened in 2010ish that i can't figure out.
i'm realizing that my memory of our communication between about 2005 and 2010 is very poor. i remember you coming over sometimes. i remember walking in the experimental farm with you. i remember eating lunch with your family up at catherine & bank. i remember fixing your computer. but i also have some fuzzier, stranger memories - like not going to see you when you had amnesia. i don't even know if that actually happened, if you ever even had amnesia or what i was thinking if it did. it seems uncharacteristic. i may have been thinking that it's for the best, but it doesn't seem like to me to think that. and it may even be the answer i'm seeking.
i think a part of the reason my memory is so poor over that period is that my diet was terrible. but i dream a lot, both awake and asleep. i live in my own head. and, i'm consequently not sure what really happened and what didn't. combined, that's a problem, because i may remember things that didn't happen, and i might have forgotten things that did. my behaviour and statements may be glaring contradictions, because i have such a difficulty pulling out what happened and what i imagined happened, during or after it happened.
i have to consequently resign myself to not being able to figure it out, unless you explain it to me. which is all i was ever looking for in the first place.
i don't really remember what i typed in all those emails, either.
standing where i am, now, 500 km away and with little chance of ever communicating with you again, i'm just wishing things turned out better. a little self-reflection demonstrates the point that i'm sort of crazy - i'm telling you that i can't discern between history and fantasy, or remember freaking out, or even realize when i'm contradicting myself, and that's maybe a little unsettling. but, people like me need some support structures, too. you need to take us as we are, or not at all. i've just been unable to process your decision, as i didn't think it was in the realm of possibility. and, even now, i'm still thinking this is temporary - even though it clearly isn't.
maybe it's pathetic. i guess i've just had very few friends. actual friends; i don't mean people you hang out with, but actual friends. in fact, i think you might be the one and only friend i ever had, besides my father. so, i'm sorry if you ever thought i was more than pathetic. again, you have to take us as we are or not at all. not with a level of sympathy, or even a level of empathy, but just with acceptance. and i just can't grasp that you aren't - i'm searching for blocks, misunderstandings, misinterpretations....
i've been compiling data on my earliest musical releases in order to put them away permanently: building biographies, gear lists, facebook timelines - things like that. but when i'm done i'm going to dive head first into the music i created when i knew you. that's going to bring back a lot of memories - no doubt both real and imagined.
i'm not writing this to warn you of a further breakdown. if that happens, i'll keep it to myself. if i felt there was a purpose in talking things through in 2010, i don't feel there still is, today - you've made your disinterest clear.
however, i think that you have the right to read my summaries as i put them up, and to suggest corrections if you feel it's worthwhile. so, i feel the responsibility to send you links to these pages when they're published. it's up to you to decide how to respond.
you will be referred to simply as "sarah". nobody that doesn't know me will know who you are, and people that know me will know you who are, anyways.
i think a part of the reason i'm holding to some of this is that i never completed the recordings. working through complex psychological issues is a part of being an artist; needing art to work through complex psychological issues is a common theme in people with mental illnesses. for years, i put it off to avoid it, and then the shit hit the fan as i was - i should add that, in addition to the instability brought on by hormones, i was working out songs about you when i freaked out.
as i work these pieces out to their final conclusions, i will finally be working through what i need to work through to get to some kind of end point. i think so, anyways. i hope.
my future is not what you may have imagined for me at some point. i live alone. i don't work. i immerse myself in the things that are important to me. i've actually been very stable and very content the last few years; where i am right now is that i don't want things to change. i'll probably live this way for as long as i have left to live....
but, i think i'll stop contacting you when i get these songs down. there's a lot of them, and it will take a while. but that closure is on it's way.
i apologize for being incapable of getting to this end point sooner, for not being able to understand what's happening around me and for persistently bothering you, for many years, to help me understand it.
it'll be done with, soon.
i think. i hope...
j
i'm still working through in my head what went wrong. not in 2005. i understand that, and didn't really have a problem letting you go, then. we agreed it was a mutual breakup due to different life goals. it's what happened in 2010ish that i can't figure out.
i'm realizing that my memory of our communication between about 2005 and 2010 is very poor. i remember you coming over sometimes. i remember walking in the experimental farm with you. i remember eating lunch with your family up at catherine & bank. i remember fixing your computer. but i also have some fuzzier, stranger memories - like not going to see you when you had amnesia. i don't even know if that actually happened, if you ever even had amnesia or what i was thinking if it did. it seems uncharacteristic. i may have been thinking that it's for the best, but it doesn't seem like to me to think that. and it may even be the answer i'm seeking.
i think a part of the reason my memory is so poor over that period is that my diet was terrible. but i dream a lot, both awake and asleep. i live in my own head. and, i'm consequently not sure what really happened and what didn't. combined, that's a problem, because i may remember things that didn't happen, and i might have forgotten things that did. my behaviour and statements may be glaring contradictions, because i have such a difficulty pulling out what happened and what i imagined happened, during or after it happened.
i have to consequently resign myself to not being able to figure it out, unless you explain it to me. which is all i was ever looking for in the first place.
i don't really remember what i typed in all those emails, either.
standing where i am, now, 500 km away and with little chance of ever communicating with you again, i'm just wishing things turned out better. a little self-reflection demonstrates the point that i'm sort of crazy - i'm telling you that i can't discern between history and fantasy, or remember freaking out, or even realize when i'm contradicting myself, and that's maybe a little unsettling. but, people like me need some support structures, too. you need to take us as we are, or not at all. i've just been unable to process your decision, as i didn't think it was in the realm of possibility. and, even now, i'm still thinking this is temporary - even though it clearly isn't.
maybe it's pathetic. i guess i've just had very few friends. actual friends; i don't mean people you hang out with, but actual friends. in fact, i think you might be the one and only friend i ever had, besides my father. so, i'm sorry if you ever thought i was more than pathetic. again, you have to take us as we are or not at all. not with a level of sympathy, or even a level of empathy, but just with acceptance. and i just can't grasp that you aren't - i'm searching for blocks, misunderstandings, misinterpretations....
i've been compiling data on my earliest musical releases in order to put them away permanently: building biographies, gear lists, facebook timelines - things like that. but when i'm done i'm going to dive head first into the music i created when i knew you. that's going to bring back a lot of memories - no doubt both real and imagined.
i'm not writing this to warn you of a further breakdown. if that happens, i'll keep it to myself. if i felt there was a purpose in talking things through in 2010, i don't feel there still is, today - you've made your disinterest clear.
however, i think that you have the right to read my summaries as i put them up, and to suggest corrections if you feel it's worthwhile. so, i feel the responsibility to send you links to these pages when they're published. it's up to you to decide how to respond.
you will be referred to simply as "sarah". nobody that doesn't know me will know who you are, and people that know me will know you who are, anyways.
i think a part of the reason i'm holding to some of this is that i never completed the recordings. working through complex psychological issues is a part of being an artist; needing art to work through complex psychological issues is a common theme in people with mental illnesses. for years, i put it off to avoid it, and then the shit hit the fan as i was - i should add that, in addition to the instability brought on by hormones, i was working out songs about you when i freaked out.
as i work these pieces out to their final conclusions, i will finally be working through what i need to work through to get to some kind of end point. i think so, anyways. i hope.
my future is not what you may have imagined for me at some point. i live alone. i don't work. i immerse myself in the things that are important to me. i've actually been very stable and very content the last few years; where i am right now is that i don't want things to change. i'll probably live this way for as long as i have left to live....
but, i think i'll stop contacting you when i get these songs down. there's a lot of them, and it will take a while. but that closure is on it's way.
i apologize for being incapable of getting to this end point sooner, for not being able to understand what's happening around me and for persistently bothering you, for many years, to help me understand it.
it'll be done with, soon.
i think. i hope...
j
if you're curious, the document i'm storing this in is now well over 2,000 pages. that's 2000 pages @ 8.5x11, 12 pt font - standard, except my margins are as wide as you can print them. that doesn't include any posts i've made to google, and only includes at most a quarter of the posts to my political/philosophical ranting page. nor does it include the frequent ranting i posted to cbc before 2011, my facebook group posts (mostly occupy related) or any of my posts to newsgroups or mail lists in the 90s (all of which appear to be permanently lost.). even with these substantial restrictions, this document could quite easily exceed 10,000 pages - and that's just ranting since 2010. i also have a significant archive of rants, theories and analysis worked into a web site i've periodically run, and cleaning this up and publishing it will be the focus of the remainder of my life, once i've completed my discography. the document will be available for download as a pdf when it is completed.
the page is cleaned up to the end of 1999 and from 2013-2015. this is the vast majority of what's been posted, so it's almost done. but, because it's almost done, it makes more sense to just finish from 2000-2013. at least then i can feel like something is completed moving into the essay i need to write on wednesday night and mail on thursday morning.
so, the way this page is going to work going forward is that i'm going to wipe it as a part of my monthly cleaning routine. floors. toilets. facebook page.
i will eventually move somewhere else, but the cost-benefit analysis over how much time that would take makes it unappealing, at least until i get my disability situation cleared up. i was hoping this clean up what take a week or two, not a month or two. but, as i keep telling myself, this is really necessary to create something self-contained, and now is the right time to do it to put this material behind me once and for all.
right now, i need to eat. i could conceivably be done most of 2000-2013 by the time i decide to sleep.
so, the way this page is going to work going forward is that i'm going to wipe it as a part of my monthly cleaning routine. floors. toilets. facebook page.
i will eventually move somewhere else, but the cost-benefit analysis over how much time that would take makes it unappealing, at least until i get my disability situation cleared up. i was hoping this clean up what take a week or two, not a month or two. but, as i keep telling myself, this is really necessary to create something self-contained, and now is the right time to do it to put this material behind me once and for all.
right now, i need to eat. i could conceivably be done most of 2000-2013 by the time i decide to sleep.
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