yeah. fingers are too sore to play for the day. i guess i haven't played eight hours a day for a few years, but i'm actually really happy to get back to it. just need to get those callouses back to where they should be...

regarding the changes to the score, i'm pretty sure i'll have some kind of something up somewhere before i sleep again.

on second thought, all i've managed to do today is work my fingers down to the bone. i'm going to give them a rest and work on the score tomorrow. i've certainly been mentally writing...

i also need to do something about the clenched teeth while playing this. maybe user a soother ;)

also, you could always listen to every single song i've uploaded in reverse chronological order, if you'd like.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3JSjmqp0cbubsqYGaNbe_PBK0kh9xHD1

hey, i don't know how i managed to get 100 people to decide to subscribe to my youtube channel, but i somehow did manage to do just that. keep an eye out for signs of the apocalypse...

in the meantime, i think this calls for a celebration.

hey, listen - reality is that society is running just fine without me, and that the challenges i'm facing are not unique to me, and will become increasingly prevalent over the course of the next generation. youth unemployment in this region is pushing 30%. there are places in europe where it's pushing 50%. this is a structural level of unemployment that is likely with us permanently moving forwards. the solution is not to magically create jobs where no jobs are necessary, to dig ditches and fill them in as the old saying goes, it's to come to terms with the reality that we've already reached the technological requirements of full communism and adjust the social system to account for that reality. my generation is just unfortunate enough to be on the bleeding edge of it, where the shifts in technology are ahead of the shifts in mass consciousness. there's no future in western society beyond that realization, but there's a lot of social norms and traditions pushing against coming to terms with it. the fact is we live in a reality where we're increasingly only able to employ a small percentage of the population, and the rest is not going to have any option but to live on the wealth that the machines create, in one way or another.

there's a popular misconception that we've lost all the jobs to offshoring, but if you actually look at statistics and ask economists about it the truth will come out that the largest share of job losses are due to mechanization. mexico didn't steal your job, robots did. the robots and artificial intelligences are just getting better. i've seen a number of articles recently asking if doctors are about to be replaced by smart phones. well, i think we'll always have a place for doctors and surgeons especially - but the workload may decrease dramatically. a "family doctor" may soon be a thing of the past. the classrooms of the near future will probably not have teachers in them. &etc.

as all these shifts in technology create ever increasing levels of unemployment, we're going to have to adopt ideas like job sharing. to an extent, we're already there, with the ubiquity of part-time employment. but, again, the social system hasn't adjusted to it. perhaps, more problematically, workers movements haven't adjusted to it. demanding higher wages seems progressive, but it's masking a larger problem. from a quality of life perspective, working part-time is far better than working full-time, is it not? that's less work and more play, which ought to be the goal (i understand it isn't currently). but, it requires structural adjustments like guaranteed incomes to fill in the holes. otherwise, we need to turn the machines off - or adopt ghastly measures to decrease the population.

these are realities that we all need to come to terms with. more and more people are going to be living the way i am, out of necessity, because a prole has nothing to sell but labour, and if capital isn't buying labour then the prole simply doesn't have a way out. i'm just a little ahead of the curve in understanding these things.

the only reason it's not hitting us right now with mass movements is that there's so much wealth tied up in the older generation. i didn't get the worst hand in life, but i didn't get the best one, either. there's thousands and thousands of people in my age group in my situation, but they have family they can live with, so they're not in dire straits.

i mean, i'm sure you've seen these self checkout machines at grocery stores.

consider the consequences if every grocery store, big box chain and retail outlet let their cashiers go as obsolete in the face of new technology. well, it's gonna happen....

lol.

some cops showed up today to talk about my suicidal facebook messages. but, the context in the messages is very clear - i'm not currently suicidal. such an autonomous decision is dependent upon the outcome of the odsp evaluation in september. i was posting to prepare others for the eventuality. further, while i'm fairly certain of the outcome, i'm actually holding out hope that it will be extended. how can i be suicidal if i'm mutedly optimistic about the future, and merely planning for the worst case should it actualize?

i've already posted my logic.

it's always interesting explaining my coldly rational, detached perspective to people that seem to think they have the ability to magically project their desires onto reality.

but, you're giving up too soon! you're young!

it's not a question of giving up. that's a subjective perspective. i'm about analyzing data and coming to objective conclusions. my attitude doesn't affect the data, which clearly demonstrates that my chances of finding employment are exceedingly low. it has nothing to do with how i feel, it's just what the data states.

but, you haven't tried.

sure i have. that's how i built up my data set. why try further when the data projects a high probability of failure? it would be *this* behaviour that would be insane.

but that was in ottawa.

the conditions here are worse than in ottawa. that's why i moved here. it follows that i should spend even less time trying here.

you're just focusing on numbers and statistics, you just need to think positively and...

no. i need to focus on data. your arguments are not convincing, because you're not challenging the data, you're merely asking me to ignore it in favour of magical thinking.

*frown*

i tried to explain it, but they didn't get it. they did, however, convince me to allow a nurse to come later today to talk to me.

btw: the correct mathematical argument against my data-driven deductions is to question whether employment data is dependent. if each process is independent of the next, my conclusions collapse.

i think there is some argument for this. in fact, it even follows that if each process is independent then the probability of eventually finding a job approaches one (because any non-zero probability implies at least one success in infinitely many trials).

however, i'm convinced that the challenges are related to personal character traits, which makes each trial dependent on the last.

love the guitar tone i'm getting. dirty finger pickin' tele sound. canned through the pod, though, not a live amp.

so, i'm running through at 360. it's a little sloppy, but it's coming. i'm thinking i'll have a recording of some sort up by the end of the day. i want to bleach my hair for the vid. well, i want to bleach my hair anyways, but it's a good excuse.

so, that means the vid through old cheri amp is likely for tomorrow.

that's actually the first guitar amp i ever bought. tiny little thing. there's an interview where kim thayil explains that he records with small amps, and he name dropped cheri. i was young and took it on the drop, given there were only a few other in that price range. it's actually a great sounding little mini amp....

jumped to electric, and that pushed me up to 320. i think this will be relatively soon.

also: it seems that circumstances are going to lead me to take my own life in september or october, so i'm putting all other things on permanent hiatus and focusing solely on music, to try and get as much done as i can before i die.

head cleared, decision clarified, expecting the worst, resolved to get as much music done between now and september as i can.

that means i'm not thinking about it between now and then or wasting my time with it.

i just want to get the logic down somewhere for when (if) they find the body.

1) it does not appear as though i am going to have my disability renewed.
2) therefore, i will be unable to pay rent.
3) therefore, i will lose my studio. again.
4) i have nowhere else to store my studio.
5) therefore, i will have no way to save my studio if i am unable to pay rent to house it.
6) humans need a purpose to continue to exist and whither away without one. i have categorically rejected most accepted purposes for existence as not interesting (children, "career", partner, family, etc.). the one purpose i have is recording.
7) therefore, losing my studio would also be losing my purpose to exist.
8) therefore, i would no longer have a will to exist.
9) therefore, suicide will become desirable.

note that, questions of the desirability of labour aside, the chances of me finding employment here or elsewhere are approaching zero. i haven't had a job of any sort since 2011 and i haven't had a full time job since 2008. i have also consistently been fired from every job i've had since 2008 for being unable to show up on time. i see no use in pretending that i will be able to support myself when the evidence is abundantly clear that i will not be able to.

it follows that i'm better off maximizing the recording time i have left than i am wasting my time trying and failing to find a job i'd be fired from within a few weeks, anyways.

...or neuroticizing over a way out. there isn't one.

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/julian-baggini-suicide-can-be-a-rational-choice-1912358.html

i've decided to wait.

if i only have a few months left, i don't want to waste it chasing around doctors.

i went back to the clinic to get a second rec and they suggested i go to a "crisis center" at the hospital. i'm debating it, and leaning towards doing it now rather than waiting for the decision and doing it then.

i don't know what the right diagnosis is either, but i'm certain that it's abundantly clear to any person that can analyze evidence that i'm not capable of or interested in participating in society, and anybody denying that clear and obvious truth must have a political motive in front of him.

bluntly: if you actually think i'm capable of properly functioning in this world, you're either stupid or ignorant of the facts.

i'm sick of struggling. if the system doesn't make the right decision, people are going to get hurt.

a life spent working is a life that is not worth living.

if this happens (and i'm hoping things are worked out, but, if odsp throws me off, i will almost certainly choose to end my life or do something that will place me in a jail cell for a long time), you need to think of it in terms of me ending my suffering. it will be for the best.

one day, people will look back at the barbarity of market societies and canonize those who resisted. hopefully, through suicide, as an act of defiance, i can provide inspiration for future generations.

well, that went terribly. and, all the peace and stability and happiness i've been feeling over the last few months just went up in a smoke of rage and anger and hopelessness.

some ideas floating through my mind.

1) show up at the psychiatrist's office with a butcher knife and saw my foot off in front of him. manipulating you? want me to prove otherwise, you producerist piece of fucking shit? how about we get your license taken away? ruining your career would give me more pleasure than my foot does. fucker. die. die. die.

2) taking baseball bats to the odsp building and just hanging out outside until the cops show up, and then admit it. when they release me, do it again. then again. and again. and again....

the bottom line that these fuckers have to come to is this: they can either sign my disability papers, or they can watch me kill myself and/or put me in jail, because i'm not participating in this society. it's a threat, but it's not an empty one. i'm at the end. there's no compromising. no trying to fit in. i'm on the fucking terrorists' side. this society needs to be incinerated. i'd rather bomb a walmart than work in one. and i'd rather read in a jail cell in peace than be forced to participate in the market.

300. it's getting a little challenging at this speed, but it's mostly "generally rusty" problems, like having lost the strength in the left hand to barre a chord on a pinky hammer-pull-off. the dexterity came back fast, but that didn't. thankfully, the fix is easy: practice. i think i'll probably be stuck at 300 for a few days due to that, but it will probably speed up quickly afterwards.

(several posts were lost from june 9th-17th, mostly about performing the piece on guitar. the problem is that there is active code of some sort on facebook that causes word documents to seize up and crash when pasted into them.

iirc, the write-up was something like this...

while the track is not challenging to perform at a slow tempo, it is quite challenging to perform at the tempo it's written at: eighth note at 360. so, it was necessary to practice the track before it could be recorded. i decided that it would be best to start at a slow speed, and then gradually build speed by slowly increasing the tempo. i decided that it would take a few days before i could play it at 360. of course, i updated my progress as i went. i'm not sure where i started, but the narrative picks back up again at 300.

i have a screenshot dated to june 16th at 14:18 called tricky.jpg, which is attached here. it seems to be that i was pointing out that this is the tricky part at a fast tempo. i may have also pointed out that the C# at the very top is a very big problem because it can only be reached via harmonic. and, i do recall getting around it by actually playing the harmonic, and at quite a fast tempo.)

tricky.jpg:

the sad reality nowadays is that google fails far more often than it succeeds.

uploading recent guitar demo to soundcloud

a math rock version of the three's company theme, or something. i'm now caught up. these are the kind of silly shorts that will be posted here moving forward....

https://soundcloud.com/deathtokoalas/2014-05-18a

uploading boogeyman to youtube

somebody asked me about what inspired me to write this, here's my answer.

the 09-11 are just the track numbers on the inricycled compilation (9, 11 are the intro and ending, 10 is boogeyman). that demo version was done up when i was fifteen, but is a little older and ultimately stems from being told to lock the door at night. i guess i was probably more like ten at the time. when it started getting dark at night, my mom would yell at me to go lock the door before the boogeyman came in to get us. but, she'd be a little dramatic about it. kind of a...

mom: shhh. do you hear that?
me: it's getting dark, maybe it's...
mom: it's the boogeyman! go run and lock the door before he comes in and gets us!

so, i'd get up and run to the front door and lock it, peering out to make sure there was nobody there.

i don't think i ever thought a boogeyman existed, but i didn't grow up in an affluent neighbourhood and i was well aware of the dangers of straying too far from home after night. i didn't understand much about drugs or gangs at the time, i just knew that sometimes people died of gunshot wounds outside and didn't want to be stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time. it was legitimately important to block off entrance points.

the run had a bit of a rush of adrenaline-based fear to it, because the hallway was dark. getting to the door and back could at times be a little scary.

by 15, i'd grown out of that, but the song is a memory of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gTfycvt1VU

uploading guitar demo from 2010 to soundcloud

this is another broken jam session and will come off as really simple (and it is, on some level) if you don't appreciate the subtle dissonance. regardless, it's easy to hear the stomp under it. i don't write much of it, but i'd love to start a really dirty garage rock band...

https://soundcloud.com/deathtokoalas/2010-09-19a