so, i got distracted there.

as i'm dusting everything off and making sure it still works, which is not the first time i've done that, i'm realizing the need to rebuild the machines. i ultimately want to put the 32-bit machine in it's spot in the desk and plug it in, but i need to figure out what i'm putting in it and not putting in it, which has changed since i initially bought the parts for the 64-bit machine, which i haven't gotten around to building yet.

i should go back and check my notes from 2017 to see exactly what i wanted to do with each item, and each part for each item, before i commit to doing anything with them, now, just to make sure i don't miss any ideas i may have had at the time. 

i now have three pcs (the 90s pc, the 32-bit production pc and a new 64-bit machine that i haven't set up yet) and four laptops (two broken modern hps, a 90s laptop that still works but is impossibly slow and a falling apart expired ibm chromebook) to utilize, and need to figure out the best way to set them up, relative to what i want to actually do. back when i lived in the other basement apartment, i initially had the oldest pc set up in the living room as a streaming device to send youtube out to an old tv set, the hp laptop in my bedroom as a glorified typewriting gateway device and what i'm calling the 32-bit machine set up as my main production machine in the recording room. what happened was that both modern laptops lost their screens in sequence within a few months, leaving me without a good access point, and i decided i'd be foolish to buy another laptop, given that laptops are just mass manufactured garbage, in today's world.

it's just based on empirical observation; i've learned, by experience, that laptops are simply designed to break  - they're made of shitty components with intentionally short lifetimes. it's planned obsolescence. so, i decided i wouldn't waste my money on them, and i'd stick with good asus boards in all of my machines, moving forwards, instead. i'll never waste money on a laptop that is designed to break within a few months, ever again.

so, what i wanted to do was move the 32-bit machine into my bedroom to replace the broken laptop, and then use the new machine as the recording machine in the music room. the intent was to take large amounts of what is currently in the 32-bit machine (the recording stuff) and put it in the 64 bit machine. i think i even wanted to switch the cases, which i now think is insane.

i then wanted to convert the newer hp laptop - which has 8 gb of ram in it - into a video processing console, and connect it to the bedroom pc via a network cable. i was intending to use the other hp laptop as a real-time guitar effects processor. i had no plans for the oldest laptop, except as an emergency backup. 

when i moved to the apartment building, i went from three rooms to two rooms and that plan no longer made any sense. first, i lost my server room, which buffered the noise from the old pc, which it no longer made any sense to leave on all of the time. on top of that, there wasn't really room for the tv, which ended up sitting in a corner, and was ultimately left there; the 90s laptop was still able to connect to the internet with minimal effort, so it made sense to just use that by putting it on the coffee table, instead. so, i decided that i'd convert the old pc (which was no longer being used as a tv) into a 16-bit machine for recording, keep the 32-bit machine as it is, and build the 64-bit machine when it was time to do so. the idea was to swap between them using a kvm.  but, things did not work out there, and i never really got around to setting up any of these things.

after i moved into the space i'm in now, i kept using the 90s laptop as a tv and i bought a cheap chromebook, which was intended for use strictly as a mobile device, given that my laptops were now both non-mobile. this is, itself, now falling apart. it lost the battery several months ago, and i've got a usb mouse and keyboard attached to it, just like the other ones. that means it's no longer of use as it's intended purpose, leaving me in the same scenario as previously (without a mobile computer), although it still connects as an access device, which is what i've been using it as, recently. i can't type on a phone, which renders it useless to me - i just have no interest in it, i think it's useless. if i get my climate money in, i could conceivably use it to buy a new laptop for mobile use, and then convert the chromebook into a new tv. that would solve all of these laptop and tv problems, and clear up the 16-bit pc for further musical use.

it's a shame that i can't just use the old laptop, which is built like a tank and still runs. i mean, it's a perfectly functional device. i actually winlited an installation disc specifically for it, and specifically to use it as a tv, but it's of minimal use to me at this point because i need an html-5 ready browser to access youtube, now. that is the specific thing that broke the 90s pc, and the specific thing that broke the 90s laptop, too. this thinkpad should have no such problems for quite some time. so, i could use it as a tv replacement, in the medium to long run.

i want to go back, though, to make sure that i didn't have some other plan for this 16-bit pc, before i turn it back into a recording console.

it may seem obsolete, but i think it makes sense to keep dedicated 16-bit and 32-bit recording machines, on top of the incoming 64-bit machine. i have both hardware and software that only really works right with 16-bit drivers, and that is no doubt true in a 32-bit environment, too - although i truly don't know, because i honestly haven't tried. i have a very detailed winlited install disc with a complex script that was built for the 32-bit environment. i need to upgrade to get more ram - 4 gb is a real and hard limit - but i don't want to lose the functionality. so, it makes more sense to set the three devices up in parallel and kvm between them.

i just need to go back over my notes and remind myself how i wanted to do it.

so, that's the plan for the next few hours, and i should at least have the 16 and 32 bit machines properly rebuilt by the end of it.

but, if i'm going to be sitting at home all summer with a little bit of extra cash in my account, i should use it to fix these broken machines up, one at a time.

i'm still cleaning and finding an unexpected source of filth - underneath various table tops.

and, i'm wondering about that...

there's nothing underneath me now. but, all of this furniture was set up directly on top of the pot smoker, when i was in the apartment.

i'm pulling off layers of shit, and it's not clear to me exactly where it could possibly be coming from, except maybe that it's been sitting there the whole time.

if that's true, it's been there for 2.5 years. 

well, if that's true then i've found it, eventually, and gotten rid of it. let's hope it helps.

so, this is what i'm doing for the next few weeks until i catch up:

https://thejournalofj.blogspot.com/

and, i'll have to devise some process around regular postings.

i just want to get to sitting down at a desk typing rather than sitting in bed typing. it's just a question of normalizing the process of actually working....

but, now i'm tired and need a nap - after breathing in piles of shit while cleaning. i just blew my nose and it was full of dust particles. it just demonstrates the necessity of what i'm doing - and how dirty it is in this space.

i haven't posted any pictures of this place, but it could be considered a two bedroom apartment without an eat-in kitchen. i'm using the living room as a studio space (even if i haven't been using it except as storage) and i'm using the "second bedroom" as an eat-in kitchen, even if i've actually been eating in bed (because my 90s laptop got hacked by the cops). if you compare it to the space i was blogging in, i've kind of flipped the living room with the studio due to size restraints. i need three rooms - somewhere to sleep, somewhere to record and somewhere to eat - and this has that; the previous basement really had four rooms, plus a semi-connected den for smoking pot in once in a while. this is a substantively smaller space, but is functionally similar. and, that place was honestly a bit bigger of a space than i really need...

i wanted to finish cleaning in here before i stopped to eat or sleep that's taking far too long, so i'm going to make take my pills , take at least a nap and get back to it after.

i've decided that i want to try to reconstruct some kind of concept of normality in here, even if it's going to be a while.

so, i've moved the chrome book from the bed to the desk, i've got the tunes running through the receiver and i'm going to reboot directly into the alter-reality.

i'm trying to rewind here and remember what year is what. i'm pretty sure that mellon collie and the infinite sadness was released in grade 9, so that sets grade 9 to starting in the fall of 1995.

uni 3 - 02/03  <--- that is a reference point i'm certain is correct

uni 2- 01/02

uni 1-  00/01

13 - 99/00

12 - 98/99

11 - 97/98

10 - 96/97

9 - 95/96

8  - 94/95 -

7 - 93/94 - 

6 - 92/93 - 

5 - 91/92 -    

4 - 90/91 -   <----this is what i need to catch up to, and then stay caught up with. it's currently march, 1991 in the alter-reality.

3 - 89/90 - 

i wanted to start the alter-reality journal in the summer of 1989, because i switched schools to start grade 3.

the mechanism, in the end,  will be that i'll find the journal somewhere and scan it. but, for now i need to produce a portrait of the artist as a young trans woman, and work this out as it comes up.

i wanted to do this in 2019, but i got bogged down and i need to stop getting bogged down and get to fucking work.

what about the alter-reality?

well, i need to do something or other, yes. clearly...

let me think about this.

no, this is is silly and arbitrary.

let me just try and clean in here as much as i can and then actually get started on 2013 again once i've cleaned the place out.

i'm considering taking a different approach. i used to think the guy upstairs was just a disgusting idiot; i'm now convinced that he's a cop that is spying on me. so, what if i spend 10 hours a day cleaning in here for the next three months? what if i just lysol the walls every time he smokes?

if i'm right, and the fundamental problem is that i'm under surveillance, then this isn't passive, and essentially cutting off the action will have the effect of a boycott type action.

yeah, so i was going to do some rebuilding over late 2016 but then i remembered that i'd have to load up my youtube site and my word document at the same time. i can't just copy it out of the document, i have to regain a train of thought around it, and it's best to start from the beginning.

i slept all day; it's smoky in here, again. it's jut impossible to get your head around how absolutely disgusting these people are, or the absolutely terrible quality of life they must have. what's the point of living in such a degraded state, enslaved to the drugs like that? why bother existing as a useless zombie? just go kill yourself. fuck.

but, i'm going to want to hit a posting limit before i stop to clean and i'm going to do it by cross-referencing over 2019, like i was.

maybe the type of music you like is produced by junkies and drugged-up buffoons.

but, it's not what the music i make is like.

check out the links, if you don't believe me - it's just too complicated for drugs, and i'd rather make nothing at all than find myself reduced to producing boring garbage for junkie retards.

marijuana makes people dumb.

i need the ability for clear and focused thinking, or i'm not into it. i'll ramble online, instead.

drugs have the tendency to convert intelligent, creative artists into blithering, retarded idiots.

i'm not doing that to myself - i'll wait it out.

the sanctity of the discography is too important.

why don't i do it like this, though...

i had a bunch of files put aside for rebuilding 2014-2017. if i post too fast, they'll shut me down for the night. so, if i post very fast, it will give me a down space to clean in, until i can rebuild this part of the apartment, at least.

yeah.

alright.

so, expect some rebuilding then.

when am i going to get past this? well, like i say - i can't work in the filth. so, it's up to the cop upstairs to stop smoking drugs in the house, or up to me to get to a more stable environment that is more conducive to creativity and abstract thinking, rather than this dirty space where i''m constantly tired and unfocused.

ok. i'm realizing the need for a rethink, here.

up until about september of last year, i was working on a series of liner notes for old records. i took what i hoped to be a minor break to work out a diet plan and found myself doing tons of research on it, to the point that i decided i wanted to write a book about it. when i first stopped for the diet project, i was also realizing the need to wait for the temperature to shift a little a little bit before i did a major cleaning operation in the basement. i was actually hoping to shift back into normal music production relatively quickly.

a few weeks ago, i started pulling back to consolidate the four blogs, as i started building up a text about the diet. and, then i wanted to build a text about the pandemic. and, i just keep pulling further and further back....

now, i want to build a text about the karen case, which would mean pulling back to mid 2018 and when i first moved in here.

and, if i'm going to do that then i need to do a round of serious archiving while i'm at it. is that actually worthwhile? should i go back to 2013?

if anything, the second-hand smoke in here has only gotten worse, so the cleaning seems pointless. but, now i have this messy pile of writing and i don't even know how to approach it. but, i need to refocus - and remember that i'm a musician first and foremost, and that i'm running out of existence to finish my discography in.

to be clear: this is all fundamental to the discography. but, i'm in a deep recursion and i'm realizing the need to break it.

i had just finished a major round of archiving in 2018, right? and i talked about wanting to do a round of archiving a last step before i got back to recording.

i can't seriously record in this basement, i can't think straight with all the drugs and pollution.

so, why don't i go back to see where i was. if i pick back up at a reasonable archiving point, i can start generating these subtexts as i archive, and kind of run it all off in one step.

...but, then, if i'm going to do that, why not rebuild first? yeah - that's right. i was going to rebuild first and then archive, which makes sense. but i needed to triple check the 2013 stuff, first.

shit.

ok.

let's go back to the start. and, let's hope it doesn't take too long.

that means:

1) cleaning down here as best i can. it's largely pointless - i'm living with a smoker and a drug addict. that's why i've stopped cleaning at all - there's no use in even vacuuming. it just stinks again five minutes later. but, i need to do a little bit, just to make setting some equipment back up feasible.

2) setting the pc back up with the laptop's hard drive was the simplest way that i was able to get a stable system, due to the apparent back door in the laptop that was allowing the cops to reboot the machine at will.

3) once i get the first reconstruction phase revamped - and finalized forever - i can rebuild and consolidate over 2014-2018.

4) then, i can archive over 2018-2021 while rebuilding these documents, and finishing the diet plan.

i actually don't think that'll take that long.

but i always say that.

it doesn't seem like there's going to be anything worthwhile to do this summer, and i'm not expecting to find myself frustrated the way i was last year, so i'd might as well get back to what i was doing.

right now, i'm going to stop to eat - and open the window to deal with the drugs from upstairs.

i'm doing this because i can, now.

here's the embed to all 75 records, inri000-inri074:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3JSjmqp0cbvbF58VKPkic-68bkZZ-4pn

three later projects of unclear catalog numbers have been added to the end, as well.

note that my compromise to using youtube (without ads! ads are gross!) as a distribution mechanism is that the tracks are only available there in what is essentially radio quality. this is entirely intentional, as a push factor to take you to bandcamp to buy the files in cd quality. you might be ok about listening to an ad for socks to get "free music", you might think that's a fair exchange, as i get tossed a 1000th of a cent for it, but i find that distribution system to be revolting and want nothing to do with it. you can have it in shit quality for free - but if you want it in high quality, then please pay me for it.

is there really footage out there of carroll spinney conducting an orchestra as big bird?

if not, there should be. and, i'm sure we could come up with a great program. some messaien, some bits of beethoven's sixth...

but, i almost feel like i should commission myself to do this, as though it needs something more specific that does not yet exist.

the ostrich overture.

with oscar on the cans.

wait for it.

(it could be a while.)

facebook post:

i'm going to need to clean this space up over the next few hours, but the story is that...

i've spent the last year and a bit converting old blogs into pdf files, which sounds like a waste of time, but is tied into the process of building liner notes for rereleases from when i first moved to windsor. i'm almost done the first phase of this, and am going to put the second phase on hold for a later time.

i've been hosting these files in two places: bandcamp (in the form of music journals that you can buy) and noise trade (which offered the files for free, and let you donate an amount, if you want).

bandcamp is very reliable, and i thank them for it. but, within hours of finishing the last major journal update, the noise trade site just up and disappeared. the account continues to exist, and i can change the password, but i can't log into it. it's very weird.

when i signed up for noise trade a few years ago, it was an independent site that allowed for free file sharing. that was my attraction to it. up until now, the only other site that i've had on the internet with a paywall has been bandcamp, which is just a necessity in this awful economic system we exist in - i have to try to sell you something, whether i like it or not. but i try to make everything freely available, as i find ways to try to navigate through the contradictions in our day-to-day lives. i want you to pay me, but i don't. it's frustrating for everybody, but it's unavoidable. i mean, the other option is that i get a job (that is, that i sell my labour, instead) and give my art away for free, but that's kind of giving up on life, in my estimation.

what i want is for you to donate. i want grants, i want benefactors - because i want artistic freedom. i have to deal with the vulgarity of market interactions, i have to reduce things to commodities, because i don't truly have the freedom not to. but, i hate that fact, and i want to find creative ways around it.

noise trade was attractive to me for that reason - it allowed me to sort of escape the commodification of the process, and let you decide if you want to throw money at me in support, or just take the end result for free. it was a good compromise, while it lasted.

shortly after i set the site up, it got bought out by paste magazine and shifted it's hosting to the increasingly dominant amazon. the amount of ads has steadily increased, since, to the point that the site is almost unusable. and, now the site has disappeared, leaving me without an option for free dissemination. i initially sought some kind of explanation before acting further, but, after some reflection, have decided that it doesn't matter - i'd rather separate my art from that kind of profit making machinery, anyways. the site has become gross, to me.

you'll note that i don't tend to post to sites that are ad-supported, facebook being the major exception because it's so ubiquitous. but, i do almost all of my posting at blogs that are ad-free. facebook is just a necessary evil. for now. noise trade snuck the ads in on me while i was distracted, and it's time to get away and burn what was and forget it ever existed.

so, i don't know why the site evaporated, but i don't care - i don't want to interact with a site that is supported by invasive ads, anyways. it's a shame, but whatever. death to paste magazine!

i've spent the last few days trying to figure out how to react and have come to the following solutions.

1) the bandcamp site is sill there, but you can't read books on bandcamp the same way you can stream music. i wish you could - that would be the best answer. you can't, for now. so, i need to put the files up somewhere else, as well.
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com

2) i want something more interactive than the google drive share, although i'm going to keep this up for the biggest files. these are just the full blogs for the period i was reconstructing:
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1NI_sEi1t9NxTeOB9Es3A2Ge8ji4iTXit?usp=sharing

3) i want a way to buy the whole thing, and don't want the overlap on bandcamp, which will hold strictly to the monthly journal format. that's going to be here, at lulu, where there are no file size restrictions:
https://www.lulu.com/search?contributor=jessica+murray

4) i'm going to use smashwords (which has strict file size and other restrictions) for free hosting of smaller files and make use of the interactive features, but i can't use it as a medium to facilitate donations, at least not until they relax their approach a little. i explain a little about this at the profile page.
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/deathtokoalas

5) the best way to donate me money is to avoid these kinds of sites, anyways. i like bandcamp for what it is and would encourage you to support it so we don't lose it; i don't want a future of spotifies and google plays, that would kill off independent music. a site like bandcamp must continue to exist. but, if you share my aversion to market economics and want to just be a benefactor then the best thing to do is just send a donation to death.to.koalas@gmail.com, either over paypal or (even better) or interac. this is how i *really* want this to work - you send me money as a grant, and i put the thing up for free.

i will need to spend the next day or two updating these sites as replacements for the deleted noise trade site, and replacing noise trade links with lulu or smashwords links, as is appropriate.

i don't know what happened, but fuck them and their ads anyways.

so, then, this is the official launch of my smashwords site.

expect me to work this out over the day.

=========

these files are actually my biography, ongoing....

i'm going to go with this site for small files, and let you build them up. for now.

what i'm doing with this site is using it as a place to host the files for free download. so, everything here is going to have to be available for free, which is something i want and can't really find elsewhere. i'm forced to deal with the reality of market transactions whether i like it or not, but i don't produce commodities, and don't want to be treated as though i do. what i need and want is a series of artists grants; i want benefactors to donate me funds to work in freedom, i don't want sales of commodities on a market that are treated legally and taxed like products. that's vulgar, to me.

so, the journals should be available for free, and this is where to get them.

however, realize that the decision is admittedly being spurred by the fact that i can't fill out the tax forms because i live in canada and don't have a tin number. maybe, one day, i might find one. note, though, that if i do find one then i'll also have to increase the price at this site to offset the fact that they're going to take 30% out for taxes - because they're going to treat the transaction like they're taxing a commodity that's being traded over a market, which is gross. most other sites operate on more of a donation format, or allow me to decide how to treat the taxes, in the end.

if you want to donate funds to me, please either donate over paypal or interac at death.to.koalas@gmail.com or go to one of the other sites (preferably bandcamp) to do so. you don't have to agree with me philosophically to understand that i just can't fill out the tax forms on this site and consequently won't get paid if you try to send me money through it.

please also be aware that the site is performing what appears to be minor formatting edits, and i actually don't like that. you will have to download the file in pdf, but they are forcing me to upload it in word. i have properly formatted pdf files, but i can't upload them. it's really absolutely perfectly ridiculous. so, if you want to download them unedited, please try either

1) the bandcamp site in the link for the small files (where they are organized as monthly journals):
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com

or

2) the following lulu site, for the big files, where they will be organized in phases or otherwise presented in much larger chunks of time.
https://www.lulu.com/search?contributor=jessica+murray.

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/deathtokoalas

so, i decided this morning (before i fell back asleep....i tend to sleep in 3-4 hour shifts in the summer, and that's fine...) that i'm going to:

(1) see if i can fix the files for the smashwords uploads. if i can't, i'll need to retreat. i don't want broken files available; that's the whole point of what i've been doing for months. but, i think it will be relatively easy, if it just reduces to reformatting the empty white spaces.

(2) remove the pay-what-you-can section from the site, primarily due to the tax issue. due to the various concerns, this does not appear to be a good site to carry out a transaction through. so, the small files will be available at smashwords for free. they were previously available at noise trade for free, so that's not a change.

(3) what is a change is that i'm going to ask you to either go to bandcamp or otherwise just send me money directly through paypal (or over interac) if you want to support me in what i'm doing.

this will allow me to salvage the site.

but, i can't fill out the tax forms, so don't give them money if you want it to actually get to me - it's just going to sit in limbo for who knows how long. go to a site that will actually carry out the transaction. or, just send it right to me.

i've slept on it.

and, i can't salvage the smashwords process, after all.

the idea is that i want an option for you to pay me if you want. you don't have to; it's voluntary. it's more important to me that the files are there than that you pay me for them. but, i want the option to be there....

with this site, there's just too many problems.

even if you were to pay me, i wouldn't get it, because i can't fill out the forms. i've been kind of rationalizing my way through that; i'll figure it out. but, in truth, i probably won't.

then, i've got to boost the price by 30% to offset the taxes that are preventing the funds from flowing in the first place.

then, i've got to deal with the fact that the file are broken, which i might or might not be able to fix, but that i've decided isn't worth trying to resolve.

so, what next? i know i've been over this, but i'm still trying to clarify it in my mind, and the fact that that fucking pig upstairs is smoking isn't helping.

my options are:

1) just leave the small files at the bandcamp music journals, which i've boosted in price mildly to $4/pop. that makes the big files available for free at google drive, and the small files available at bandcamp.
2) also upload the small files to...

no.

i'm going to try to fix it first, dammit. maybe it works. maybe it doesn't.

i'm wishy-washy on this because i really don't like either choice.

let me take a shower and hope the air clears out a little in here when i get back. it's been fucking gross in here all weekend.

no.

the site (smashwords) is breaking the formatting. ugh.

again: why is this so hard? it's daft, truly.

no, get your head around this.

first, it insists that i upload a doc file instead of a pdf file, and then insists on converting it to pdf (you can't download it in word format). then, it breaks the pdf in conversion. but, i converted it to pdf for them.

so, i can upload a working format, which it won't let anybody download. and, i can give them a working conversion of the file format they want to use, which they won't let me upload. instead, they demand i upload a format they won't let anyone download, convert it badly and then only offer the broken conversion.

i don't want to ask people to pay for broken files (especially considering that i have to boost the price to pay the taxes), and if i'm going to put them up for free, you'd might as well just go to a drive share, where they're not broken.

so, is this middle point worthwhile to have available archived?

there's just one thing, and it's a hunch that they may be on to it. the file hasn't been published to my page, yet. are they actually reading through every single file? is that why there's a delay? if they are, they should catch the error.

should i give it a bit, then?

but, this is absurd. why not just let the user upload their own converted pdf file?

yeah, i'm just going to throw it all up to smashwords for free.

fine.

what i'm looking for right this minute is a site that allows pdf previewing. payhip is not that site.

however, it seems to have a 5 gb file maximum, meaning i can upload 4.7 gb isos. 

i have these aleph-discs up that are basically torrents, but i've been forced to try to sell them as physical media due to their size, which i recognize that few people want. i've been waiting for a site that i can essentially upload an iso to. this might be it.

one thing at a time, but let's not forget that.

smashwords wants me to file a tax sheet and take 30% of any "royalties", like i'm some kind of corporation selling a product, rather than a peasant selling art on the digital street. i don't even have tax information to conduct commerce in the united states.

(it's not like i'm going to sell a lot of these things, anyways.)

so, it's looking more and more like it's not worth it.

let me see if i can find a better site, and let me think it through a bit more.

as i don't have a tin number and don't really want to get one, and i'd have to double the price in order to make it worthwhile (in order to pay taxes), i'd might as well just put it up for free, if i do this.

but, i'm leaning more towards just sending you to bandcamp for the monthly entries. the big files are available at the google drive site, so there's no access issues.

that's a shame. this is the kind of thing that shouldn't be taxed. we're talking about $5 transactions at most a few times a year, going to a disabled person.

here's the first link:

https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-dsdfghghfsdflgkfgkja-blog/ebook/product-qg9g54.html

but, as mentioned, i'm eating first.

ok.

so, when i started publishing chronological versions of these blogs at noise trade, i only had a few files to deal with, and i wasn't sure how this thing would turn out. it seemed like the best option at the time because it allowed for a free download with a suggested price; if the site had ads, i don't remember it...

i don't actually know what paste did to my account, but i kind of don't really care. the site has so many ads on it nowadays that i kind of don't want to direct any traffic there anymore, anyways. i mean, i've gone to such great lengths to keep ads off of my pages; why would i then direct people to a site with ads that somebody else profits from? i don't know if the site will come back or not, but if it does i'll delete it, and they can write that down in their ledger - it simply has too many ads to maintain artistic credibility.

further, i now have a series of large files instead of a couple of small ones, and the initial logic of periodic, sequential release periods has largely collapsed. i almost deleted half of the files the other day, and then decided not to. if i'm redoing this...

so, i'm going to be moving to a combination of lulu & smashwords instead, but i'm also going to be reevaluating how i'm presenting the information.

i initially decided that presenting the downloads in a monthly journal format, a trimesterly format and a series of other compilations would provide for maximum consumer choice. ok, i didn't say it like that, exactly - those are crude words, in truth. but, i made an attempt to present the downloads in as many ways as possible, so that people could decide what they wanted to download.

i'm no longer seeing the value in this. there's too many options, too much overlap, and a lot of it seems pointless, like i'm sticking to a formula for the sake of it.

i have monthly music journals up at bandcamp and have tried to avoid posting compilations there in order to avoid overlap, and also because there isn't a lot of conceptual meaning in posting a yearly or a semesterly music journal if i'm presenting the information by month. rather, it makes more sense to arrange the information by phases, of which there is currently only one, the first reconstruction phase. but, that won't come up to bandcamp until i get it up in the iso, which doesn't even have an aleph-number, and i'm still apprehensive about overlap, in the form of added costs to the full discography download (which nobody has bought yet, but will ultimately be the right way to donate funds to me, once the discography is truly done). so, i don't want to do it like that...

rather, we're going to use lulu for large files, as it seems like the best way to do it. it doesn't allow for previewing, which is a defect, so i've got the files up here, and they will stay there: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1NI_sEi1t9NxTeOB9Es3A2Ge8ji4iTXit

however, i'm going to avoid lulu for small files in order to minimize the clutter and instead use smashwords, but i'm going to be strategic about it when i do by trying to squeeze the files between the 15 mb upload limit and the $0.99 minimum price tag. that functionally means that the files are going to need to be more than 100 pages and probably less than 500 pages, although that will depend on the nature of the data in the file. so, instead of having strict monthly journals at smashwords, it's going to be a mix of monthly (music, politics) and semesterly (deathtokoalas), and for the travel blog will only have one entry in the end - for now. these files will also be fluid, rather than static, changing based on what actually makes sense.

if you want the monthly journal, go to bandcamp; if you want the full phase document, go to lulu. if for some reason you want something in between, go to smashwords.

and, after thinking that through and working that out all morning, its what i expect to do for the afternoon - as soon as i get something to eat, first.

this is going to probably take all day to switch over, as i'm going to need to update all of the links across four blogs and two facebook pages. but, i'm done with noise trade. so long.

i'm looking into different e-book hosting sites and everybody wants to convert the file.

i spent a lot of time formatting this. i don't want you to convert it, and i don't want to follow your rules - i just want you to host the file. i'm the creator, not you - i want to be in control. i don't want your convenience. i don't want your advice. i don't want your convention. i just want a server to upload the data to, and a transaction wall attached to it.

also, i want to avoid amazon, which looks like it's going to be hard. i don't see any use in smashing it up, but it would be nice if they could be prevented from buying anything else out. i don't want a baby-amazon, i want an independent service, like bandcamp.

strangely, these services seem to promote putting your book up on amazon as a benefit. what? no...i'd rather not have anything to do with the major labels...

i'm taking a closer look at paste magazine, and the site is clearly supported by intrusive ads. it wasn't like that when i signed up for noise trade, or at least it didn't seem like it was. i don't know what they've done, but i think i'd really rather find somewhere else. it's caught up to me by stealth, but it's actually the kind of site that i usually try to strenuously avoid.

what else is there?

i could upload directly to amazon, but i don't want to.

smashwords has a size limit, amongst other things. i don't mind uploading in doc format, but my files are too big for them, apparently - and they're only going to get bigger. they insist on converting to pdf themselves, and it's doing weird things to the formatting that i don't like. further, they're going to distribute it to the major sites, too. if i could find something that's very much like this, but more hands-off....

kobo wants to convert to epub explicitly, and while i don't mind if you try to convert to these weird formats for your own use (at your own risk), i don't use them myself and don't officially support them. i support .doc and .pdf. it's just going to create a broken output file...

scribd charges a monthly fee, which is a nonstarter.

lulu is...

maybe what i want.

hrmmn.

my noise trade site has kind of evaporated, and i don't know what's going on with it. i've sent an email to the site requesting some further clarification as to why i can't log in and why the files are unavailable.

in the mean time, i've put the files up at a google drive share.

this is temporary, but i don't want the files to be unavailable while i figure out if i'm being censored, or if there's some kind of systems glitch.

i wasn't on noise trade very long before they got bought by paste, but i'm not a fan of paste, and don't particularly like the fact that they're hosting the files on amazon. so, it's not exactly my preferred hosting solution. the question is whether there's anything better out there or not.

i'm not going to whine and bitch and fight with the server mods, i'll just post somewhere else, and encourage people to follow me there. it's just that they haven't communicated with me in any way at all, so i don't actually know what's even going on.

for now, the files are here. enjoy.

and, buy something at bandcamp if you want to throw me some cash.

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1NI_sEi1t9NxTeOB9Es3A2Ge8ji4iTXit?usp=sharing

this is the end of this for a while, as i pivot back into period three.

but, here is the complete readable archive of this blog for the first reconstruction phase, from july, 2013 to january, 2014.

the second reconstruction phase ran from february 1, 2014 to the end of june, 2015, when i looped back around to remaster the inri material from source. while the politics and music journal sites are largely reconstructed over this period, i do not intend to get back to rebuilding the travel or dtk blogs in any systematic matter or doing music journal releases until (1) i am in a comfortable flow with the alter-reality and (2) i am finished with period three, which ran roughly from the time i got back from bc in 2003 to the time i moved into the apartment on bronson in 2007. journal releases for the foreseeable future are going to be dated from 1988 or 1989 forwards.

so, that's what's coming up.

but, i need to get through another 11 liner note releases, and update at least inri022, probably others. the coming re-releases are inri031-inri034, inri036-inri041 and inri045.

http://books.noisetrade.com/j/072013-012014-music-journal
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-music-journal/ebook/product-p5v576.html

i've been careful about the cross-reference because the server was acting funny, but it does indeed seem to be ok.

so, here is the noise trade smashwords link for the readable version of the january, 2014 archive of this blog:
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/012014-music-journal
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026654

this is the last one of these for a while. when i started this project several years ago, i never expected it to take this long. i thought it would be something i could do to blow the time as i weaned myself off of a physical nicotine addiction. as it is, it's taken me longer to compile these journals than it did to write them. it's really been absolutely absurd.

i still need to finish the liner notes for the series of rereleases attached to this journal - inri031-inri034, inri036-inri04 & inri045. these will come up in due time. that will end the first reconstruction phase, which documents my move from ottawa to windsor and the initial series of re-releases that happened as soon as i got here. the first release of new recordings (of old material) was in june, 2014. after realizing how time consuming this is, it could be a while before i get back to the second phase.

i need to put this aside asap and get back to actually finishing the recordings. period 3 starts soon.

======

the seventh entry in the music journal series, which is the month of january, 2014 and is 189 pages long. i am not going to summarize the story, but it is available on the web over here: http://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2014/01/.

this is a compilation of written correspondences that occurred around me over january, 2014. it includes facebook posts, google+ posts, youtube comments discussions and emails with acquaintances, strangers and family members, in an attempt to document the first reconstruction phase of rebuilding my discography, including remastering and (re)publishing inri031, inri032, inri033, inri034, inri036, inri037, inri038, inri039, inri040, inri041 and inri045. the contents of this download are the dummy track, a word doc file and a pdf file, both written in a more readable, chronological ordering. i've also added the respective files for my other three blogs, for general interest, as well as 57 separate txt documents (all html files) that are referenced in the journal.

the events documented in this journal occurred in january, 2014 and were compiled into a narrative in several stages over the years 2014-2020. journal completed, released and finalized in doc and pdf format on june 1, 2020. doc201401.

credits

released February 1, 2014

j - editing, participant

nick austin - participant
jonathan jaeger - participant
uncle elvis - participant
arod13arod - participant
Nickelpitts - participant
DatzWhatsUp - participant
TheStory SoFar - participant
TrulyHorrifying Productions - participant
Erik Paulson - participant
kurtless guhle - participant
danny shuddup - participant
cklin114 - participant
Matt Gaub - participant
Memphis. Methods - participant
Evanya Parker - participant
Nowell Kishimoto - participant
George Porte - participant
Bearslikejaimie - participant
Adam Moscinski - participant

nana - participant
the oldest aunt's wife - participant
mom - participant
jeff - participant
sister - participant
stepmother - participant
the surviving uncle - participant

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/01-2014-music-journal

just to clarify/reiterate/remind what the problem is.

i'm creating these documents in word 2003 because i like the program, because i have a copy of it and because it works just fine. word processing isn't the kind of thing you should have to pay for over and over again. i don't remember where i got the version i have, but somebody paid for it, and that shouldn't expire.

but, i never got used to the office 2007 interface. i was supposed to eventually deal with it, i know; i didn't, and i don't want to now, and i'm never going to. but, they changed the format at the time from .doc to .docx.

this was a substantive change in the way that office files are created. i don't know how the old office files work, but the new office files are using an xml-based architecture that appears to be dramatically different.

unfortunately, converting from .doc to .docx is something that everybody has massive problems with. google, adobe, the free sites and microsoft, too. it breaks the formatting, every time.  sadly, the standard way that doc is converted to pdf seems to implement the conversion to docx as an intermediary step. so, if i go to google docs, it will convert my doc file to a docx file first and then convert it to pdf after, which leaves me with a slew of broken formatting, essentially undoing everything i spent the last month doing.

but, i was able to find a workaround at the microsoft cloud that converted directly from doc to pdf. it's the only free site that has that option, that i'm aware of.

this broke on me this morning, and then righted itself, and then broke again, and then fixed itself again. but, i think i squeezed what i need out...

the issue could of course be resolved by fixing the conversion step. i'm labeling it as unnecessary and trying to just avoid it, but if they'd just fucking fix it, it wouldn't be a problem.

regardless, that's something that should be made clear - any .doc file that you download from me will lose it's formatting when converted to .docx format, so you should try to open it in a version of word that lets you open it natively, without having to convert it to xml.

ok.

i think i got it. i had to mess around with a few things, and i may have even just gotten it to avoid the conversion by accident. !.

it's going to be an extra slow process of double checking, so i might not have these finalized for a few more hours, but i think i got what i wanted downloaded and it's just a matter of time before i get these links up.

finally.

ugh.

microsoft has undone my trick. it won't convert directly from doc to pdf. and the other site i was using wants a credit card, now, because i'm browsing incognito (and can't turn it off).

i don't have access to a newer version of ms word and don't want to pay for it. on top of that, i just don't like the user interface in the new word.

we might have to just not have pdf files, anymore, if nobody is going to let me convert from doc to pdf.

but, why is this happening? i had a method worked out, and they broke it. twice...

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/again-i-slept-all-day.html

again: i slept all day. and, i wish i knew why i'm so physically exhausted recently.

it's cold in here and it's cold outside, and i think that's a big part of it. i felt better last week when the humidity briefly peaked, and i feel better wrapped up in a hot blanket where i can sweat. so, that's really what i've been doing all day - trying to escape the cold by hiding in a hot blanket. it's going to warm up tomorrow, finally.

but, whether it's the weather or something else, i feel tense and frustrated and depressed and angry, and it's been constant now for weeks and i don't really understand it. i have a lot of work to do, but i'm not able to do it because i'm not able to mentally focus.

the best way to describe the situation is that i feel like i'm on drugs, but i'm not doing any drugs, so i don't....

let's just hope it gets better.

i'm going to try to wake up, take a shower, get my hydration up and get to finishing this up.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/ok-its-done-up-to-cross-reference-as-im.html

ok, it's done, up to cross-reference, as i'm hacking through somebody smoking. fuck...

so, i'm going to need to hit the shower before i finalize this.

but, we've got:

travel blog - 15 pages
deathtokoalas - 90 pages
music journal - 175 pages
politics blog - 226 pages

expect it up before midnight.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/i-stopped-this-morning-to-shower-and.html

i stopped this morning to shower, and then to eat, and ended up sleeping, and got distracted.

i'm back on it now, and i am for real almost done - 29th, 30th, 31st. that's it. so, expect it up today.

i wish i knew why i'm so tired all of the time :(.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/so-ive-been-sleepy-since-wednesday.html

so, i've been sleepy since wednesday morning and have largely blown the last few days. i mean, i've been working at it, but i've only gotten a few hours done.

the temperature crashed by ten degrees celsius yesterday afternoon, which messed with me, and we're getting a cold and gross weekend. i'm not going to ask for the heat to come on, but it's cold in here, and it really sucks.

i've already used the stove a few times, and i'm going to have to take...i'm probably going to have to shower a few times to warm up. it's just the facts of it.

i've got one last section to cross-reference, and it could really, honestly be done by the morning, or by the afternoon.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/blog-post_28.html

would you hold in your urine? your shit?

no?

then why would you hold in your sweat?

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/i-need-to-be-able-to-sweat-in-summer.html

i need to be able to sweat in the summer.

it's so weird and unnatural - and unhealthy - to stop yourself from sweating. i don't understand why anybody would do such a weird thing to their environment and their body...

i guess it's a male thing, in the end, isn't it? men are taught to bottle everything up inside - their emotions, their feelings, and, i guess, their sweat, too.

but, they need to let it out.

they need to relearn to cry and stink at the same time, it would seem.

but, i don't want to turn off my glands - i want to sweat. and i will.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/i-was-feeling-better-earlier-in-week.html

i was feeling better earlier in the week when the humidity first came in and warmed the place up, but i've been tired and having difficulty focusing over the last few days, as the machines upstairs have adjusted. i'm going to keep the windows open as the humidity falls, in order to short them out. if i'm stuck with cooler air one way or the other, i'd rather have fresh air from outside than dry air from the refrigerants.

it's different this year. last year, i was able to get outside quite a bit, so that when i did come in, i didn't notice the air as much. this year, i'm going to be inside for 98 out of 100 days and i'm going to need to find ways to acclimatize the surroundings. otherwise, i'm just going to sleep all summer as i hide from the air under hot blankets, and i don't want to do that.

for right now, i'm going to try to warm the place up by using the stove and then taking a hot shower. hopefully, i'll be more alert and focused when i get out of it.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/im-so-distracted.html

i'm so distracted.

i haven't touched this since yesterday.

focus, jess.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/im-halfway-done-final-cross-reference.html

i'm halfway done the final cross-reference, if measured chronologically. however, it's closer to being two thirds of the way done, if measured in terms of amount of content - more than that, really, because a lot of the posts left are very lengthy, and the remaining process is about running the 'compare' program in notepad++.

i might get this finished by noon.

right now, i'm stopping to eat.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/im-moving-more-slowly-than-id-like-but.html

i'm moving more slowly than i'd like, but it's coming.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/that-took-longer-than-i-wanted-to.html

that took longer than i wanted to because the 90s laptop is soooo sloooow, but i downloaded all four of the blogs to usb, and will be able to cross-reference them properly tonight.

it is, counter-intuitively, exceedingly cold in here. what i've done is open the windows, but it's only half-effective because so much of the problem appears to be in the piping. it's some kind of italian cooling system, or something - it's based on the weeping tiles. i'm sure of that...

so, it's 40 degrees outside and i'm wearing a sweater :(.

i don't have screens on the windows, but if i'm stuck inside all summer then i'm going to need to find a way to get some. i can probably just get a roll of something at home hardware next time i'm out.

for now, what i've done is tape over the windows and then poke holes in them. my first attempt wasn't enough, so i poked a whole bunch more in them. it's a balancing act - i want enough holes to let the hot air in, while still keeping the bugs out. i'm hoping the tape helps.

that should be stable for the next week or so. i won't be out again until the weather cools down a little.

for now, i'm overdue on a shower, but i'm starving, so i'm going to eat first.

there is a distinct possibility that there may be some uploads before sunrise. we'll see.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/so-rebuild-is-done-and-i-need-nap.html

so, the rebuild is done, and i need a nap.

i'll need to cross-reference everything, but it looks like the politics archive is coming in around 230 pages, while the music document is coming in around 175. deathtokoalas is coming in around 90 pages. and, the travel blog is very short, as will be the norm.

let's hope i can get this published in the next 24 hours.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/its-very-sad-that-were-finally-getting.html

it's very sad that we're finally getting some nice weather and there's really nothing to do outside because the government cancelled everything :(.

i have lots of work to do. i'll be fine.

but, it would be nice to go out and have a beer somewhere, and i can't.

posts not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/i-did-feel-better-this-morning-for.html
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/is-there-connection-between-rise-of-neo.html

is there a connection between the rise of neo-liberalism (and the marketization and productification of everything) and a reality where undercover police officers legally smoke drugs in the house that they're supposed to be on a stakeout in, thereby pissing off the largely straight-edge yet supposedly dangerous radical that they're supposed to be spying on - and that knows they're being spied on because they can fucking smell the dirty, fucking pig smoking up?

i'm sorry if you don't see it, actually.

i did feel better this morning for having screamed, but i still had to sleep it off.

i'm going to finish that meal i started, take a hot shower and finish this up once and for all tonight.

let's hope the air stays clear for the night.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/im-not-joking-that-yelling-really-took.html

i'm not joking - that yelling really took a lot out of me.

but, the air seems to have cleared out.

i really, really don't want to have to deal with this again, so let's hope this post doesn't jinx it. but, i'm feeling 1000x better than i have in ages, and i want to get back to this now.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/blog-post_23.html

i yelled so loud, i strained my boob :\

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/ive-had-absolutely-terrible-night-full.html

i've had an absolutely terrible night, full of yelling and screaming at the disgusting pig upstairs. i just kind of snapped. i guess the pot tripped my cortisol levels and pushed me into an anxiety attack.....

i simply don't want to be dealing with migraines all of the time, and i know that the second-hand smoke is what's causing them. on top of that, i was trying to do laundry. what could be more frustrating and disgusting than dealing with unwanted second-hand smoke in your own home, when you're doing laundry? the point of laundry is to get rid of the stink, after all.

she seems to have stopped, but who knows for how long.

so, i'm going to stop to eat, and get back to finishing up the journal afterwards, after that detour through the playlist, which is something i'd been wanting to do for a while but kept putting off.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/so-i-took-slight-detour-over-last-few.html

so, i took a slight detour over the last few days, in building a meta youtube list for the deathtokoalas blog:

that list will get updated whenever i add a new journal entry.

posts not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/listen.html
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/maybe-im-very-emotionally-and-sexually.html
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/modern-relationships-are-what-they-are.html

modern relationships are what they are. that's fine.

they're not for me.

i'd rather keep to myself.

maybe i'm very emotionally and sexually immature, but i simply could not deal with being cheated on. it tore me up inside, over and over again; i simply wasn't able to deal with it.

i never tried to tell her what to do. remotely. i made no attempt to interfere with her decision making, and fully respected her bodily autonomy.

but, i had to get up and walk out because it was just ripping me apart, and the fact that my decision was final was very much centered in the fact that i never wanted to feel like that ever again.

listen...

i dumped sarah in late 2004 and moved out unilaterally in very early 2005. she was cheating on me and refused to stop; she wanted an open relationship, and i said 'no' and i walked out on her.

she couldn't pay the rent, and ended up homeless. so, she ended up at my apartment, and i told her 'no'.

but, we maintained a friendship of varying distance from 2004 to about 2010 or so that involved going for coffee from time to time, and meeting up for walks. and, yes - we were still having sex for quite a while after.

around 2010 or so, she decided she didn't want to talk to me anymore. i never really got a straight answer, and i've gone through various hypotheses, but as far as i can tell, she rejected me because she decided i was gay. and, after almost ten years of a friendship that was very important to me (she's the only person i've ever had sex with), i reacted very badly to that. i valued her friendship very strongly, and hoped to maintain it forever.

but, i've never had any interest in rekindling any sort of romantic relationship with her, at all, and any suggestions otherwise are just flat out wrong - something that i think she actually understands. if anything, she seems to be mad at me because i don't want to get back together with her. but, the decision i made in late 2004 was permanent, and i've held to it as closely as i can. she's had two children, since then - something that i've tried to be emotionally supportive of, but that i ultimately can't and won't accept in any official capacity. she asked me to be her first child's godparent, and i turned it down.

at this point, it's been so long that trying to rebuild some kind of a friendship seems pointless. that's something that makes me sad, certainly - that was perhaps the only friendship that i've ever had that i very much wanted to maintain.

but, the fact is that i dumped her a long time ago, and i've made no attempt at all to win her back since.

i hope that point is as clear as it can be - and it can't be very clear from a distance, i get that.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/so-were-done-up-until-25th-and-its-time.html

so, we're done up until the 25th, and it's time to stop to eat.

after i finish eating, i will have one more segment to complete before i can start posting this and moving on to the next thing, which is filing a complaint against the divisional court judge in federal court, and just generally checking up on the court stuff.

after that, i will need to work through the various liner notes for all of those records that i released or re-released over january, 2014. and, then, i can finally pivot to period three.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/so-im-about-50-through-double-check-on.html

so, i'm about 50% through the double check on the rebuild, in terms of calendar dates. let's hope i can get through the rest of this pretty quick.

i want to finish this before i go out to get my pills.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/i-think-i-was-able-to-avoid-migraine-by.html

i think i was able to avoid the migraine by running the shower.

but, the smoke seems to have triggered my asthma, which could set me off for weeks right when it's about to get nice out.

it's a lesser problem. but, this is so fucking frustrating :(.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/hey-pig.html

hey pig....

do you think i give a fuck about your flooring?

'cause i don't.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/shes-smoking-drugs-up-there-again-and.html

she's smoking drugs up there again, and here comes the migraine, on cue.

ugh.

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/why-dont-i-just-drink-more-water.html

why don't i just drink more water?

because i'd have to drink less coffee.

i don't want to live in an artificial desert and drink gallons of water to offset it. there's no reason for it; it's stupid. and, i'm going to end up gaining weight.

just let the humidity come up to normal levels...

post not broadcast:
https://musicofjessicamurray.blogspot.com/2020/05/i-was-almost-feeling-normal-yesterday.html

i was almost feeling normal yesterday for a bit, before the heater turned back on.

i'm not depressed. i'm just dehydrated. the chemical i'm not getting enough of is water. and, i've done enough of an experiment to convince myself of it.

we could still get some downpours, but the scary system coming in seems to have broken up just south of the border and looked something more like this when it get here:

i succeeded in getting the humidity in here up on saturday to a point where i felt healthy, but what i had to do in order to do it was pretty insane - i had to run the shower nonstop for hours, while continually washing my face. i'd have to essentially sit in a sauna for six hours a day. i can't do that on a daily basis.

the forecast was a tease last week, but it looks like we should finally get some more humid weather soon, and i can only hope it clicks into place for a nice, long humid summer so i don't have to constantly run the shower to offset the desiccation...

but, i mean, if i'm inside all summer, and the air kicks in, that's the reality of what's going to happen. i'm not going to sit in here and shiver in dry, cold air, with shit all over my face. the shower is going to be running nonstop so i can clean myself...

for now, i'm going to finish a few things up this morning before i get back to running the hot water for a few hours to try and undo the heaters, and hope it works.

but, it might just be the weather, still.

let me give it some more time. but, i'm sick of this. i want some kind of answer, so i can wake up.

your body is just a computer; there's no magic, no mystery, no woo, nothing out there to try to grasp on to.

if it's malfunctioning, it's missing some chemical, and can be fixed by taking some drug. fine.

but, you need to prove to me what's wrong, first. i'm not interested in just randomly guessing. i don't want to experiment around my consciousness.

i want to be pragmatic about this: do the test, tell me the answer and give me the fix.

i mean, i don't know what happened.

why did my body chemistry change, all of a sudden?

but, i'm more interested in fixing it and moving on than i am in sitting around, complaining about it.

just test me for whatever i'm in deficit of and prescribe me the answer.

i don't want to talk about it or wallow in it. i don't have time for that....

i'm slowly making some progress, but i'm struggling to stay awake today...

i'm still hoping it's mostly the weather, but let me be clear about this: if it turns out i'm depressed, i really have no sympathy for myself. i don't have any patience for this.

and, just to clarify the point regarding what it is that i'm ingesting, and how it might affect my alertness.

- i don't drink at home, and never have. as promised, i haven't touched that 26er of vodka since i left on mar 12th, and don't expect to touch it again until i get to another show. i have no interest, whatsoever, in drinking by myself.

- it was april 13th when i finished the quarter of marijuana i bought about a week earlier. i will generally smoke at home at most twice a year, meaning i might buy some more in july. i have no interest, whatsoever, in being stoned right now.

- my coffee intake has increased, but it appears to be diminishing returns.

- i bummed a few smokes when i was last out on may 5th. it was like two or three, all day. before that, i bummed a few smokes when i was last out on april 15th. i may bum a few more when i go out to get my pills next week. i have no intention of buying a pack of smokes any time soon.

- i'm taking 8 mg of estrogen, 5 mg of medroxyprogesterone and 100 mg of cyproterone acetate, daily. i would not expect these drugs to make me tired, and they never have in the past.

maybe i'm misunderstanding the concept of depression...

i always thought that depression was a mental outlook, essentially a decision to adopt a negative mindframe. now, understand that i reject the negative v positive dichotomy; i label myself a realist, and don't have a lot of patience for positivity. a proper dialectic erects realism as a synthesis, and that's how i've always thought, even if i haven't always been able to articulate it that way. i want to measure the amount of water in the glass, and present an objectively true statement about it - i don't care about your opinion of how much water is in the glass, and will tell you to fuck off for trying to push it down on me.

but, i've always understood depression as the physical consequence of making a decision to be negative. i've generally rejected that as inconsequential, by rejecting the idea that the subjectivity of existence is important.

but, what if depression instead arises from hormonal conditions that you can't control, and the condition is a consequence of being tired all of the time?

what i'm trying to get across is that i am, uncharacteristically, actually feeling pretty bummed out right now, but the causality is reversed - i'm depressed because i'm tired and unproductive, not the other way around.

i don't want to be depressed and unproductive, i want to be alert and focused. the root cause is that i'm so fucking tired. so, how do i eliminate the physical tiredness? that will make me more alert & more productive, and therefore less depressed about being tired.

i've wondered repeatedly if i'm being drugged, somehow. did they put me on anti-depressants against my will? i wonder if i'm reacting to something they prescribed me, without telling me. all i can do is point out that i feel like i'm being drugged, and that, if i am, it's the cause of the problem.

i've never felt like this in years past, i've always been an unflappable person. i've usually been an insomniac, not somebody that's unable to stay awake. so, something has clearly changed in my body chemistry, and i wish i understood what it was so that i could reverse it and go back to being alert, awake and productive, rather than tired and sluggish and depressed all of the time.

if i'm the victim of some kind of experiment, please stop. it's making things infinitely worse...

i just want coffee and free time. that's all i need to be happy. really.

how much does cocaine even cost, anyways? i don't actually even know.

i'm only half joking...

i keep arguing that i'm not depressed, and i don't feel that i'm depressed on an intellectual level. i'm not sad, i don't hate my life, i don't want drugs to numb the pain, etc. but, if the argument is that depression is something physical, maybe i'm deluding myself.

is it possible to be a relatively happy person with a positive outlook on life, but be crippled by the physicality of depression?

i want to drink a gallon of coffee, but it's not working. it's just giving me acid reflux.

i dunno.

maybe i should start smoking again. it seems like my productivity has completely collapsed, since i quit.

*sigh*.

how do i wake up?

it seems persistent - every time i sit down to try to get some work down, i end up so tired that i can't even move, and unable to do anything besides sleep.

there's a large rain storm moving through here. i am well aware of the reality that i'm hypersensitive to the weather.

this is the third weekend in a row that i wanted to be productive, but that it seems like is going to be wasted. but, i don't think i'll be able to do anything but sleep it off, and hope things get better mid-week.

i still need to file a formal complaint against this judge in federal court. hopefully, the situation will clarify itself over the next few days. but, that's the first thing i'll need to do, once i get this rebuild finished with.

for now, it looks like i'm going to sleep. and sleep. and sleep....

and i hate it :(.

i never want to sleep ever again.

the hourly forecast looks less scary than the news reports, but i don't expect to leave the house until after the storm lifts, so we'll have to see how bad it gets from inside. they're calling for 50-100 mm in the region, but it looks like i'm going to be on the lower end of that, and it looks like it's going to take a long time to pass through. so, let's hope it's not that bad.

yesterday was unfocused. but, i think i'm ready to be super productive tonight. i want this done by monday...

so, i got a first pass finished this morning, but it's so dry in here that i'm literally bleeding. i'm hoping the temperature outside has stabilized from that freak cold snap, so that i can begin the process of bringing the humidity levels inside up to something more normal. and, i think i'm feeling better already, but let's hope it's not fleeting.

so, i guess i blew the whole week, but let's hope that things renormalize themselves a bit better from here on in.

i'm going to stop to do some cleaning and just generally run the hot water for the next several hours.

i still need to rebuild the appspot portion of the site into the blogger front-end, because all of the files that i built up at the beginning of the month seem to have strangely disappeared. there's also going to be a cross-referencing phase.

but, the bulk of it is done, and i would expect to be able to publish it by monday.

i think there's a cop upstairs, but the property owner is technically not home and hasn't been for months. so, let's hope we can avoid the air conditioner for most of the year...

i'm definitely not entirely done yet, but i'm over a hump in rebuilding it in the blog, anyways.

another day or two. i made progress tonight, at least....