this is a picture taken from outside my window.

you'll note that the table is so close to my window that i need to remove the screen and lean out to take a picture of it; i cannot see this table by looking out my window. that's how close it is - a foot, at most. if you pull the closest chair out and lean back on it, it's literally touching the building.

would you accept a group of people sitting there and chain smoking, or would you fight it any way you could?

you'll also note the empty alcohol containers in the wrong recycle bin, which are likely the actual root of the problem, regarding why this woman is behaving so unreasonably.

i think a better idea is to:

1) prove she's lying.
2) present the hypothesis that the reason she's lying is to distract from the actual reason she wants to evict me, which is that i'm threatening legal action over negligence.
3) demand costs & compensation for wasting my time, as i follow through with the negligence case.

honesty is the best policy, kids.

we can even break this down using logic.

given that she received the court date for july 5, why would she attempt to evict me on a noise complaint, if i hadn't given her that letter?

i must have given her that letter at letter at some point after i wrote it, which is the day of the noise complaint.

given that i can prove that she's lying on the n7, i could probably even deny there even was a noise complaint at all.

i mean, she didn't call the cops like i asked her to...

in fact, the n7 is so obviously an attempt to evict me because i don't smoke that i can use it as evidence in the human rights case.

the n7 is also full of false information, and i can prove that it's false using the journal & the vlog. i could even get the whole thing thrown out by proving that they're liars, in court.

this is again just stupid on their behalf. they'd have had a much better case by just being honest.

she showed up at 10:20 to receive a letter; i was asleep at that time. she claims she showed up for a noise complaint, that's a lie. then, she dated the n7 to 4:20 - several hours before she actually showed up, and pretty daunting evidence of the actual motive.

again: i don't want to stay here. but, i'll be happy to use their stupidity against them.

hopefully, i get a judge that's willing to actually listen to the evidence. but, it's secondary to the point, because i'll appeal, anyways.

so, i got my eviction notice. it's not surprising.

i'm going to have to file a human rights complaint, in response. i don't deny the basis of the complaint, but i'm going to defend myself on freedom of expression grounds, and claim the landlord's negligence is the source of the problem. i think they have a tough case to win in front of them, but i'm preparing for divisional court, as well. and, when the time comes that i do move, i will re-open the case to recoup costs.

is moving an option? well, to begin with, i need to restrict my options. i'm currently paying $700/month + electricity, but the electricity is free (due to the rebates). it would be about $25-30/month if it wasn't free - most of it spent on "delivery charges". my actual electricity bill is less than $10/month. given that i'm saving about an extra $60/month on the estrogen being covered, and either the ndp or the liberals had actually budgeted for rate increases, i was actually considering looking for units in the $800-850 range, which would probably be necessary to avoid the smoke - which is the point of this exercise. i'm going to be in the same stupid scenario if i move somewhere else with smokers.

again: i thought this place was better, but then the downstairs tenant started chain smoking pot and the smoker moved in next door. it's worse. i can't make that same mistake; i'll just repeat the same bullshit over and over again and have to move over and over again.

but, now that i'm bracing for cuts to income, i'm looking for something in the range of $700 all inclusive. that's a maximum. i cannot consider anything more expensive than that. nor am i going to move somewhere that's too small for the gear...what's the point of that...

surprisingly, there is a potential spot, but i need to ask about smoking. i suspect there's probably smokers there...

i'm going to have to keep looking, and there's no reason i can't change my mind about the court date at the last minute, although we'll see what the judge has to say about that, i guess. but, as of now, i'm preparing to dig in.

frankly, this is a stupid move on their behalf. they're going to spend thousands of dollars trying to get me out of here, when i'm trying to get out as soon as i can, anyways. and, they're just emboldening me to continue the protest, if i'm going to court, anyways.

i've pointed this out a few times before, but i actually don't think i should have to do it.

i'm writing my own story, a story told from a first person perspective and that has one character in it. my story certainly intersects with other stories, but i'm not telling those other stories, and i don't intend to tell those stories.

we don't have to compete over the primacy of these stories; they're all equally valid, and should all exist. this is almost by definition; my story is not your story, but our stories are all intertwined, too. nor is there an official story of any circumstance or event.

i might be a character in your story, if you'd like - or i might not be. you're not going to be a character in my story, though. or, not unless i knew you many years ago, you won't...

so, tell your stories as you'd like them to be told, and i'll tell mine as i'd like it to be told, too. sometimes, they'll overlap, and sometimes they won't. neither is more important than any other. and, if there are historians collecting stories for some perverse reason or another, they will consult all of them and weigh them as they may...

i grew up in the 90s, which were a period where the gender imbalance in music started evening out, but which was still overwhelmingly skewed towards men. i don't want to apologize for listening to a skewed sample, given that the female musicians of the period were overwhelmingly commodified for their looks.

i'm not going to listen to bad music because it was made by girls, or ignore good music because it was made by boys. i'm a musician - i care about the sound art. i don't think my record collection needs an affirmative action program, or that gender parity within it is an ideal to strive for. so, yeah - my record collection in my formative years is overwhelmingly male.

not exclusively. there's lots of female voices in there. but, overwhelmingly - and that's a reflection of the culture, not of me.

if you wanted to be a girl in a band in the 80s and 90s, you had two paths: you could either date somebody in one of the bands (which is actually fairly common in underground music of the period) or you could market yourself with your body. it kind of didn't matter how talented you were or you weren't, that's just how it came out in the wash. the talent consequently existed largely on the fringes, and, even so, only managed success though sexuality. for example: tori amos is talented, but that's not why she sold records, unfortunately.

i guess it hit a breaking point in the mid-00s, and actually flipped over some time around 2010. nowadays, it's very difficult to find any interesting music made by men at all. entire genres are dominated by women. even guitar music is dominated by women. the only type of music that young men seem interested in making is bro-rock, and it's this like weird gym class culture that i've never wanted anything to do with. from psychedelic music through to industrial music, women really dominate the entire spectrum.

and, so, while my formative years were spent listening mostly to male voices (not exclusively. lots of girls in there, too.), nowadays i'd guess that women take up upwards of 75% of my listening time.

i think we all tend to default to certain periods in our lives, and that these periods tend to expand. contemporary music converts itself into memories over time, and my posts will even out in gender as that process unfolds itself.

i like having an appspot site, but deploying it is always something else.

i've always deployed over the gui. last time, i had to find a way to upgrade to python 2.7, because it would stop serving if i didn't. today, it was giving me ssl errors. as best as i can tell, my local ssl python libraries are out of date and i have to upgrade to a later bugfix, but the installer past 2.7.7 seems to require accessing the dot net framework in a manner that i consciously dismantled, making the install impossible.

i fixed it by using the command line.

so, i'm back to doing what i was doing, now, and should be able to push through the main facebook page before the next sleep. one of the things i'll be doing is replacing old events with links to the concert site. this is the first one...

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2013/10/24.html

but, i'm not a noise musician, though, and never was.

nor was i ever a fan of the stuff, either.

is the suggestion, then, that it would be rational and healthy to just breathe in the carcinogens and shrug it off?

it's the society that's sick. i get that, too. that's a constant. but, sometimes it's more surreal than usual.

so, the anger flows from the anxiety. i get that.

but, if your "anxiety" is rational, is it still anxiety?

the reason i'm angry is that i'm fearful of the effects of second-hand smoke, both in the long run (cancer) and in the short run (shortness of breath, coughing, tiredness). and, in fact i can demonstrate that my fears are grounded, as i've experienced these consequences.

so, when do you stop talking about anger as a consequence of anxiety, and start taking about anger as a rational reaction to objectively demonstrable fears?

however this plays out, i'm going to need to work the anxiety angle, and it's not like it's wrong - the anxiety is real. but, the consequences are real, too. so, how is that a disorder?

An Update on The Situation in Apartment 15

I need to begin by stating the following:

- The situation in the apartment has not changed since my previous communication.
- That is, the second-hand marijuana (and, now, tobacco) smoke coming from the downstairs tenant remains constant & oppressive, and is continuing to affect my enjoyment of the space, my quality of life & ultimately my health. This unit remains uninhabitable.
- As you have refused to make a good faith effort to address the problem, you remain negligent under the appropriate case law.
- As you remain negligent, you remain liable for property damage resulting from the tenant’s behaviour & you remain responsible for providing me with moving costs to get me out of the unit.
- Further, I still want to move out of this unit as soon as is possible.

What has changed are questions around the feasibility of a plan to move until questions are answered about the depth of the new government’s pending cuts to social assistance. I live on disability due to severe concerns around my mental health, and specifically an inability to exist in social settings without behaving erratically due to stress (“social anxiety disorder”). I simply can’t handle the stress inherent in what most people consider normal social interactions. You can make appeals to whatever ideals you want, but it won’t prevent me from becoming episodic. The working reality is that I am of little threat to myself so long as I am able to avoid situations where I’m forced to interact with the people around me, but I have a history of conflict with the people around me and of being terminated within weeks of being hired due to conflicts with employees and management - my disability is hard, and there is little chance of me ever entering the workforce again. I just need to avoid people, that’s all there is to it. I think my tenancy has reinforced the point: I can’t deal with living with another tenant that doesn’t care about the consequences that her behaviour is having on me, and thinks she has some kind of right to make me miserable and sick. My contempt for this woman is astronomical.

On June 7th, the people of Ontario elected a majority conservative government on a non-platform of undisclosed cuts to social services. As no actual plan for cuts has been released, other than a pledge to do a “line by line audit in search of ‘efficiencies’”, it is unclear how deep the cuts to my income are going to be. However, if one is to take the previous conservative government as precedent, cuts of upwards to 50% should be expected. It is impossible for me to sign a lease at this point, until exact numbers are determined.

I understand that uncertainty is a fact of life, but this is how people react to uncertainty: they have to change plans, they have to downsize, they have to make due with what they have. I desperately want out of this unit. Over the last several years, I have placed a primary importance on my health. I changed my diet in 2015 to be more healthy, I quit smoking at the beginning of 2016 and I rediscovered my bicycle in 2017. But, I am now unfortunately left in a situation where I have no choice but to compromise my physical health to maintain my mental well-being, until more information is available.

I do not have a driver’s license; I’ve never driven a car before. I decided when I was a teenager that cars were destroying the planet, and I would do my part to counteract that by relying on alternate means of transportation. In hindsight, it would have probably been unsafe to let me drive, anyways, as the social anxiety would have likely led me to road rage: I would not have been able to deal with rude drivers. Over the years, I’ve held to this moral decision as best as I can. While I don’t exactly regret that decision, it means that moving is a very expensive and difficult process, now that my father is dead (and my disability prevents me from meeting friends). The reality is that I am going to need to hire movers, so I am going to require hundreds of dollars in costs to move. The city runs a service, but I used it to move in here less than a year ago and am not likely to be approved again so quickly.

So, let us suppose that I move to another apartment on August 1st, as was my plan, and the government cuts my benefits by 50% on Oct 1st. That is almost certainly going to mean I’ll need to move a second time - or that I’ll end up homeless, altogether. It is going to be hard enough to find costs to move once, and I insist they will eventually come from you; finding moving costs a second time is an impossibility. I must wait, whether I like it or not - and whether you like it or not, as well.

I will state this yet again: I want to move out of this apartment as soon as I possibly can. Right now, “as soon as i possibly can” means “as soon as the government announces the numbers attached to it’s plan to cut disability payments”. So, I can commit to starting this process a second time within days of that announcement. But, I cannot sign a lease at this time, because I have no idea how deep the cuts are going to be.

As such, I regret to inform you that I will be suspending the application I previously filed, SWT-16361-18, to ask the court to sever the existing lease. While I will need to appear at the hearing, it will only be to explain the situation to the judge in order to cancel it. I will bring a copy of this letter to the hearing. I may or may not launch a second application once the cuts are announced, depending on whether you co-operate with me or not - I will need to determine what the best step forwards is when that happens.

The lease remains in force, and I expect to go month-to-month after that until the situation is clarified, if it takes that long for it to be clarified. This is not ideal for anybody, but it is necessary given the circumstances.

I understand that you may want to react to this letter by attempting to evict me, in which case I would request that you wait. As mentioned, I am unhappy here and want to move - but i can’t, or not yet. As i want to move, but cannot, i will have little choice to fight any eviction attempts to the full extent that i can - including launching appeals to the divisional court. When you can’t do something, that means you can’t do it - even if you really, really want to. Further, I am certain to react to an eviction attempt by launching a human rights complaint, which I am acting with restraint in not filing as it is. Attempting to evict me is going to cost you thousands of dollars that you’ll never recoup - and is likely to fail, at that. As I want to leave anyways, it is in your self-interest to co-operate with me in waiting until the cuts are announced and then settling for costs, which is what I’ve been requesting all along.

For what it’s worth, I voted for the greens.

In the meantime, I have requested repairs to the unit and received no response on it. I am re-printing that letter.

just in case i wasn't clear about this point.....

the alter-reality will run from 1996 (2016) until 2013 (2033). if i make it that long...

i'll be 52 in 2033, which is probably my life expectancy. neither my father nor my grandfather made it to 60.

put another way, the idea is that i'm going to catch this blog up to itself in real-time, from 20 years prior. and, that is something that i should be back to writing relatively shortly, i hope - and that i'll keep up to date on when i get back to it, too - i hope.

so, i'm not going to focus too heavily on writing concert reviews or anything else from before mid-2013.

unfortunately, it took me two tries due to word crashing, but i've got the music facebook page synced now, at least.

it's long past time to eat. & i'll take a look at the personal facebook page once i have - if i can stay awake.

the air quality in here today has been dangerous. i don't understand how a person can sit and smoke pot for twenty hours at a time, but it's repeatably demonstrable. she doesn't come home from work and smoke a joint, she comes home from work and smokes an ounce.

my tactics worked well enough today in helping me avoid passing out, but they're not sustainable.

yet, i have no answer in the short term, either.

*shrug*.

stoned again; don't want to be.

*shrug*.

can't do anything about it except drink more coffee.

i'm making progress on this.

it's been brutal in here all day, but i have no course of action at this point to resolve it besides running the hot water to try and steam the space out.

i don't understand why she won't go outside like a decent person would.

i hope that when the cancer does finally hit her, she has a long and painful death.

worst case scenario, i may have to go back to school to avoid getting a job.

like i say: i'm going kamikaze.

the first thing i need to do is consolidate my existing facebook posts, after the hook-up. so, i'll be copying my facebook posts into the master documents. i might be quiet for a few days.

i'm actually glad i didn't sign anything. i could have been in for a disaster scenario.

given that everybody knows that doug ford is going to slash disability, i'm at that much more of a disadvantage - if you're a landlord, and you know assistance is going to fall, why would you sign a lease with somebody on disability?

if he had put out a platform, we could at least plan around this. as it is, i have absolutely no idea how big my check is going to be a year from now, or what i'm going to have to do to adjust to less money.

the bottom line is that i don't want to spend my last six months or my last year fighting court battles.

i'm going to focus on completing the discography, and prepare for the worst.

that likely means i'll be staying in more, too.

i'm back in a race against time: how much can i get done before doug ford signs my death sentence?

i'm kind of back in the mindset i was in over 2014 & 2015.

what's the use in quitting smoking if you're planning on killing yourself?

but, then i got my disability renewed...

now, i'm not sure that's going to happen, so i'm back to planning for suicide.

i don't think i'm going to pick it back up. but, i'm falling into apathy around it. so, maybe it's making me sick and ruining my quality of life? i'm going to fucking die anyways, right?

as mentioned: i'm less angry and more embarrassed.

i can't believe so many of us fell for such shameless charlatanism.

and, now we have no idea what he's going to do, because he didn't tell us - we just have to look at the harris government's record and fill in the blanks.

again: doug ford is not some kind of new type of politician.

he's your standard right-wing ideologue - more like paul ryan than donald trump.

i should expect the worst.

yeah....i....

i have absolutely no idea what the government is going to do for disability amounts. i suppose there's an obscure possibility that they could put through the gai - which i was kind of half planning around. they claim they'll let the experiment through, but whether what ford says means anything or not is a coin toss.

they could freeze it, which i could deal with.

or, they could slash it by 50%.

the harris government was downright savage in it's attacks on social service recipients, so there's precedent for something very damaging. and, the economy couldn't handle what that would do, either - unemployment would shoot up to 20%. we'd be dealing with an extreme homelessness problem.

but, i expect the next four years to be very dificult for poor people in this province.

it does not make sense to do anything at all until i get some idea of what they're doing. the reason he didn't release a platform was because he knew people wouldn't like what he was cutting. but, that means i'm stuck in the dark.

i need to wait.

yeah, i...

i have no idea, right?

i get $1200/month. if i move somewhere in august, and that gets cut to $1000/month, i'll probably have to move again right away.

it doesn't make sense for me to plan to move until he announces how deep the cuts are.

i'll have to call to explain this morning.

i may just have to call my landlord to explain that i can't afford to move right now, due to instability in my income source - and all of this conflict is going to have to drag on.

so, what's going to happen if my benefits get cut?

i don't really know what the point of telling me to go work at a fast food restaurant is. there are people with kids that need the job. and, i'm not socially capable of dealing with anything more complex than that, either.

when working was a task, i could deal with it - i could go waste however many hours was necessary in order to save numbers to apply to some purpose. but, when you take away that task, and tell me it's forever, i'm left with what's essentially a death sentence - and the reality that i'd rather kill myself.

the problem is that i don't feel i'm done yet. i have a lot more work to do, before it's time to die. the question is whether i have enough time left to waste at a job or not.

i do think that it's a given that doug ford is going to cut disability rather drastically; this is going to hurt me quite a bit. and, i'm almost wondering if i want to cancel the court process in the short run.

i may have to make a call today.

that was a crash last night, but it was a healthy one.

i need to pivot starting today.

but, what i'm going to do over off hours is the following:

1) copy the existing music blog into the master music document.
2) copy the master music document into the complete master document
3) carry on with the same process as previously.

today, i need to vote - for the greens. get some salami. get some ventolin. & get to looking for somewhere else to live.

so, how do i want to do this?

on second thought, i'm going to need to sync everything up until the end of 2016 before i can release inri000, because that's when it releases in the alter-reality. yeah. & then i'm...ack....i'm going to have to catch up to where i am after all, so i can date the 1997 alter-reality posts to current posting. yeah...

*shrug*.

i should at least be able to start writing notes in the alter-reality by the time get through 2016.

i''ll also need to start editing vlogs again once i get to mid 2017. hrmmn.

it could be a while still, after all.

i have now reached the hook-up; the music blog, while incomplete, is abler to narrate back to mid-2013.

i'm going to continue to push forward with this for the rest of the night, but i must focus on apartment hunting tomorrow.

i still have two years and counting of rebuilding to do, but the focus of the process is going to shift, because i should be able to build the final liner notes for inri000, which means i should be able to get back to the alter-reality and build notes as i go for these release, as well.

so, i'm going to be rebuilding through 2016, writing alter-reality posts and closing the liner notes on discs, simultaneously. that should start within a week or two and run until i catch up on the rebuild up to where i am at the moment i catch up.

once the alter-reality is caught up, i'll try and keep on track with it in real time. &, if i'm lucky, i should be able to get started on period 3 shortly after the move.

so, this place in the end appears to be being utilized mostly as storage. i really wish the people around me weren't revoltingly disgusting, but so be it - i'm almost back on track.

the actual purpose of what i'm doing should be more apparent fairly shortly.

it seems that i would have to rely on precedent from bc if i were to go forward with this.

i do, in fact, have a puffer from exposure to second-hand smoke as a child.

https://bc.ctvnews.ca/pair-handed-8k-after-rights-denied-by-smoking-neighbours-1.809848

ok. i'm sure i'm up now.

15 hours of sleep.

you want to argue this isn't affecting my quality of life, my enjoyment of the property and, ultimately, my health? despite popular misconceptions to the contrary, the law is on my side here; i have all of the rights, all of the rules and all of the social norms on my side. smoking is not a right; that's an insult to the concept of rights.

it doesn't matter if you "believe" in rights or not. it matters what a judge rules. laws are not subject to personal beliefs, they're objective rules that everybody has to follow. and, it doesn't matter if you "believe" in the science underlying the action or not, either.

i don't believe in beliefs.

it's far easier for me to go after the property owners than it is to go after this woman, who appears to be a legit fucking dunce, but if i don't win the case against the landlord, i'm going to have to take her to the human rights board, directly. that's going to be time consuming, and it's going to drag on for a long time. but, somebody needs to compensate me for this rights infringement.

my understanding of the law is that there's two layers, here: the tenant-landlord layer & the human rights layer. i believe that the way the law is meant to operate on the tenant-landlord level is for me to sue the landlord, and for the landlord to recover costs by suing the other tenant, in turn (perhaps in small claims court, for negligence). but, if that fails, i'm absolutely planning to take her to human rights court and making her pay for her behaviour.

smoking inside an apartment building is no longer acceptable behaviour in the 21st century, and we all need to stand up for our rights to ensure people aren't getting away with it. i'd encourage everybody to utilize the tools available to them to crack down on inside smoking and get smokers out of residential areas and into the bars, where they belong.

no.

i'm still stoned.

still need to sleep it off.

the secondhand smoke knocked me out cold again this morning, this time for twelve hours; splitting headache, sore threat, no energy & hot rage - i was unable to do anything but sleep.

it still smells disgusting in here, and i still feel terrible, but i think she's gone for the night, so i need to take advantage of it to try and finish up to the hookup, between coughs and wheezes. i'll have to fill that ventolin prescription next time i'm out.

a part of the problem is the weather. despite the fact that the windows are open and the fans are running, i'm not getting any circulation. we should be back to normal temperatures again on thursday. let's hope it stays nice and hot. this cold weather is depressing...

i feel like i have strep throat, or something.

she's smoking pot at 9:00 am, again.

unfortunately, i'm feeling a little woozy from it. again.

i can't lose another day, i have to finish this.

i feel like i'm chain smoking.

she just doesn't fucking stop.

my throat is raw. i'm coughing. i'm sick. i'm angry.

i never chain smoked like this; i smoked a half a pack a day. she's smoking three, maybe four. i'm inhaling more smoke now than i did when i smoked...

ok. seems like the rain passed.

hopefully, we can get a nice breeze in here the rest of the morning.

back to work,....let's try to get done this today.

it was bad enough on the evening of the 4th that it knocked me out cold.

now, i'm going to have close the windows for the next several hours due to the rain and shiver under the influence of unnecessary air conditioning and powerful second-hand drugs.

i'm not going to sit here, shit-faced on drugs i don't want, trying to sort through data. what a sad proposition. rather,  i'm going to hide under the covers until the rain passes. which means i'm going to lose another day. sadly.

i'll be glad to get the fuck out of here.

i can't get that here, & it's triggering the fuck out of me.

i don't need or want chemical treatments, and attempts to force them on me are just going to agitate me further.

what i need is isolation: alone time.

and clear-headedness & sobriety.

once again: i don't have depression.

i'm not a depressed person.

i don't need treatment for depression.

what i have is a social disorder that makes me exceedingly agitated around fucking idiots, and unable to deal with people. i get angry when i'm agitated in this way and can potentially get violent.

i just need to be left alone.

and i can't deal with this fucking pothead. i'm on the brink of going down there and beating the shit of her.

there she goes again.

9:00 am on a monday morning. high as a kite. place smells like a dead skunk's asshole. it's truly absolutely revolting. thankfully, i've got some air flow this morning.

i need to reiterate that the reason i can't just deal with this is that i need to be recording in here, eventually, and i need to be clear-headed to do it. i know there's a popular mythology that musicians do drugs in the studio, but it's just completely wrong - it's a complete myth, a complete fantasy.

the ability to ensure sobriety when recording is paramount; this place is worthless to me if i can't do that.

i'm a little slow to get started today, but i'm back at it, now.

i've got a breeze blowing directly in, which is nice. this apartment only has windows on one side, so i only get a breeze when the wind blows one way. so, that's helped with ventilation. the stench has come up a few times, but i'm not feeling any effects from it just right now.

i'm going to lose the day, but hopefully i'll be past this tomorrow.

ok.

that gets me through june.

and, i'm not going to eat - i'm going to fall asleep. i'll have a bigger meal when i get up.

50 pages and twenty days left. so, i could even get to calling tomorrow afternoon.

and, i will need to put it aside after that.

http://www.who.int/hhr/activities/tool%20box%2010069_Smoker.pdf

the constitution doesn't apply at the landlord & tenant board. but, if i were to launch a human rights complaint - and i'm thinking about it - i'd be arguing that it's an infringement of s. 7, the security of person.

and i will state this clearly once again: if you don't have the right to sobriety, you don't have any rights at all.

i am once again under the influence of a drug that i don't want to be under the influence of at this time.

and, again: i can sit back and wonder, but at the end of the day, i don't care.

what i care about is my own right to clean and clear air, my own right to sobriety and the fact that it's being infringed upon right now.

i've been around marijuana my whole life, but i've never been a pothead and i've really just never understood the desire to become one.

we only exist for a few decades. sobriety is such a treat. why waste your life away like that?

she's been chain smoking by herself for over 8 hours.

i just don't understand who thinks that's a good night. if i were her, i'd be so tired and drained and depressed that i'd feel like i want to kill myself.

and, if i didn't have the window open, i'd be passed out like a fucking heroin addict - from the smoke at the end of her joints.

again: she must have spent $100 tonight to stare at the wall by herself. it's just incomprehensibly stupid.

if you don't have the right to decide when you're sober and when you're stoned, then you don't have any rights at all.

i think i have every right to stay in and be sober on a saturday night if i want to, and am entirely grounded in claiming she's infringing on my right to clean air and sobriety.

the marijuana chain-smoking has indeed returned as of a few hours ago, and i'm at this point sure that i can tie the fact that i'm tired and sore to it. i've had a few plumes come up, and it's just got me feeling disorientated and unpleasant.

again: this is terrible pot. it's like taking valium, it's not a fun high at all - i just want to sleep another ten hours.

but, i'm going to drink a lot of coffee instead and try to get back to work.

that was an unexpectedly hard crash; i just slept for ten hours and woke up with a sore neck. i'm suspicious of the weather, but we'll see how i feel in a bit.

i think i can get done may before i get something to eat in the morning.

i smelled some pot this morning when i got up to eat, but it's clear again tonight with a caveat - she seems to have started smoking cigarettes very heavily. so, now it smells like cigarettes instead of marijuana. which is...it's not going to get me stoned, but is it why i'm sore? i dunno. it's also a saturday night, so she may have had somebody over smoking.

i'll also point out that there was again a strong smell of bay leaves this afternoon, which she seems to start burning when somebody complains about the pot. it wasn't me, and i don't think i'm the only complainant at this point.

like i say: i want to get to the hook-up before i start looking for august 1st. that might be tomorrow, might be the next day.

right now, i'm sore and tired after waking up a little after midnight, but the only thing i smell just right now is cigarettes.

so, that gets me through season 6 - up to the end of may 19th. there's one more season of videos before i get to the hook-up, and roughly 100 pages of data to rebuild.

i need to stop to eat, but could conceivably get most of it done by midnight.

the master music document is now over 1200 pages. 

the door mat is still there.

hrmmn.

funny.

no pot again tonight.

there's heavy nicotine, but the source is somewhat unclear, and it might even be partly smog.

i'm going to "check my mail" and see what's going on down there.

for tonight, i'm going to rebuild a bit more and then wait until a bit later to dye my hair. yesterday felt unproductive :\.

fell asleep again this morning. argh. and, i ate early, too, to prevent it. *shrug*.

the air quality is certainly suspect in these early crashes, but it's hard to tie together anything substantive. i'm happy it's nice and warm in here, anyways.

my drugs are now fully covered, which gives me an extra $85/month, which i may very well spend on rent. it expands the scope of what's available, anyways.

i got a hold of somebody about a non-smoking apartment, but it's available for june 1st. if i break the lease, i won't get my last month's back, so i'd be breaking it for july 1st, as of right now (and not paying june). and, after june 1st, it's going to be rigid for august (meaning i won't pay july). i'll need to wait until the next showing.

and, i've decided, for that reason, i should wait until next week to make any more calls. i don't want to be tempted, and after i pay june's rent there's no longer a choice.

that means i'll need to find something over the weeks of june.

still need to call a dentist...

i'm breathing in more smoke now than i did when i smoked.

again: i always smoked outside.

i haven't had this kind of constant smoke exposure since i was around 10 years old, and it gave my copd when i did.

it's a matter of time before i get really, really sick.

i ended up sending a few emails this evening, after all.

the market is pretty thin, but there's a fair bit i'm interested in, as well.

*shrug*

it's awful again, tonight. it's not like i have a choice, if i stay here i'm going to get lung cancer or emphysema or something.

yup.

here she goes, again.

this city is cheap, but it's because the people that live here are worthless.

and, i'm now through april, 2016.

50 days left to go. 150 pages.

i need to eat & get looking...

the stench today appears to be cigarettes, and this is something that happens periodically; i don't know exactly where it's coming from, but it's enough that i've had to use the puffer. again: it's just overwhelming.

who smokes like this in a residential space? who is that selfish and clueless?

the people in this city are just horrible assholes. they just don't have any concept of decency, or self-respect. it's absurd, really.

again: it's like 2 hours of chain-smoking marijuana.

this happens several times a week.

and, all i can do is bring this journal to court as evidence of how terribly it's affecting my quality of life, and my enjoyment of the space.

it's 10:00 pm on a fucking tuesday.

people do things like shower and read at 10:00 on a tuesday.

they don't sit around and get so fucking stoned they can't see.

you fucking loser...

and, it's like....be a fucking loser...i don't care...but go be a fucking loser in a parking lot, or in a field. don't do it somewhere where everybody else has to fucking deal with it.

you self-centered, worthless piece of shit.

it just makes me so fucking angry that these people can still exist, that people are raised so fucking terribly that they lack basic concepts of decency and respect for the people around them - or the self-respect to not be responsible for stinking up the whole goddamned block.

how does somebody have such little respect for themself that they don't care if people have made multiple requests to stop fucking blazing all the time? how can people have such little regard for their own integrity that they can look somebody in the eye and say "i am a habitual marijuana smoker, and i don't care if it makes everybody else sick".

it's revolting.

repulsive.

and remarkable that anybody could sanction this kind of behaviour.

there is no excuse for this. there really isn't.

yeah, well go read somebody else's blog if you don't like my attitude. i don't fucking care.

i hate this woman, i hate this place and i hate this situation.

it's disgusting. through and through. revolting.

yuck.

then they claim she's "depressed".

well, maybe if she'd get off her ass and stop smoking so much pot and lose some fucking weight then she'd be less depressed, huh?

don't let them tell you it's "medicinal".

she's just a worthless, piece of shit drug addict.

you see how these things go together: lazy, fat, pothead ?

she's too lazy to go for a walk.

that's why she's so goddamned fat.

i need to reiterate: the problem here is not access to this drug. most users are responsible.

the problem here is that this worthless piece of shit is too inconsiderate to go for a walk.

yeah, she's blazing tonight.

disgusting.

thankfully, the windows are able to be left wide open, so it's just more that it smells like a cat being raped than anything else, but the absolute revulsion of the stench is itself fairly horrific.

hopefully, she's gone, soon.

i stopped this morning right before i got to the end of season 5.

there's now less than 2 months and less than two hundred pages before i get to the hookup with the blog, and the project flips over to archiving...

the audio closure also began in mid 2016, meaning i should be able to do some alter-reality work soon, too.

i wanted to eat and get to looking through listings this morning. instead, i crashed hard after the smoothie and feel like i should wait until tomorrow.

i wasn't as productive over the second half of the weekend as i'd have liked to have been. and all the listings i saw last week were for july...if  can get a good 24 hours in, i think that's a better use of time tonight....

how's the air quality?

it's sporadic. she smoked a nasty joint last night, and it was still lingering deep into the morning. as mentioned, i slept all day - and i'm waking up feeling pretty awful. but, what i am is dehydrated, and i actually think it's partially from the air conditioner.

we're getting some nice hot & humid days this week, so i should be able to keep the windows open to fight the air. it really hasn't been warm enough out to turn the a/c on at all this spring. again: i don't understand these people. you turn the a/c on when it's 20 degrees out? what? i'd still have the heat on...20 degrees is cold...

what i'm going to say is that she's stopped smoking, except when it's raining. of course, that's the worst, because i can't always open the windows in the rain. but, you have to keep in mind that she has no legal obligation to smoke outside, either. this is a frustrating situation where nobody seems to know what the law is, and nobody seems to much care what it would be, if they did. it makes it difficult to react legally; neither the tenants nor the landlords care about the law or behave in ways consistent with it or intend to have to deal with it. anarchism isn't the idea that we don't follow laws, it's the idea that we don't need cops to force us to, and they're actually both failing that test, here - these are people that need a state to tell them what to do, because they can't figure it out on their own.

so, the landlord is illegally asking her to smoke outside, and she's mostly doing it, but it's not any kind of real solution. when she does decide to smoke inside, it lingers for days and makes me sick. the landlord is refusing to implement a real solution, which would be patching up the holes in the floor. he's really behaving illegally towards both of us, creating this false scenario of imaginary compromise. and, i think he's clueless enough to show up in court and say "i asked her to smoke outside...." and think that absolves him of liability. it doesn't. if he's not going to fix the floors, he needs to pay me out.

so, i'm going to work until i'm so hungry i have to stop.

i had migraines for months after this, but i haven't had a single one since i moved.

i just want to tie two things together. i was convinced that this space was under the influence of some kind of magnetic interference, and it was fucking with my headphones making it impossible to mix; aphasia is thought to be the result of a wave of energy running through your brain, and disrupting certain functions. are these consequences of the same thing?

and, if so, was i being attacked for demonstrating that clinton was rigging the primary?

it's a strange thing to film your life, and piece together the oddities after the fact.

but, i keep pointing out that if this is what is happening then it is utterly foolish; the best way to deal with me was always to ignore me. if i just could have been mixing over this period, none of this would have happened. and, i might be done period 3.

so, i got a start on it - sent some emails, left some messages. i don't expect to hear back from anybody until tuesday.

the market is sort of what i expected - it's not awful, but it seems like it's thin. i think it should open up next week.

i have not technically given notice, but i've asked for the lease to be broken on august 1st. so, i can play this both ways.

how's the air? well, i have the windows wide open. i can smell it, but it's not affecting me. i can't always have the windows open...

i've actually had a long day, which is nice, although i've spent a lot of it blaring merzbow at the neighbour sitting outside, to get her to smoke somewhere else.

it's a shitty situation. if i close the windows, i get overwhelmed by the pot (& the a/c). if i keep them open, i have to deal with the neighbour smoking - literally right underneath the window. there's no reason she has to smoke right there, and i've asked her not to, but she's just a worthless, selfish piece of shit that doesn't care - so i can't care about her, if she won't care about me. so, i'm just blaring merzbow out the window whenever she goes out to get her to fuck off - and it's definitely getting to her. like, i think i saw her crying. good.

i'll be happy to get the fuck out of here.

for right now, the day is over and i'm still awake, so i'm going to get to rebuilding, i guess. i don't want to eat again until the morning. and i have no idea how long i'll stay awake for.

i'm once again the healthiest person in the world.

hormone levels are good, too.

ok, that gets me right through to the end of march.

the air quality over the last 24 hours was better; i could smell it, but it wasn't coming up in plumes. it may have been third hand smoke. i don't know.

let's see how far into season 5 that i can get before i stop.

there's less than 200 pages left in the document, from april 1st to june 19th. i could do that in a weekend. so, this is nearly done.

that's another ten days of march.

i wanted to finish march first, but it's time to eat.

at the moment it's cool but crisp in here. we'll see how long that lasts.

no sane person wants to be stoned by themselves at 10:30 on a sunday night. that is a time when people do things like read, clean, eat, etc.

if that sounds like "fun" to you, please seek the aid of an addictions counsellor.

for the record, i am once again stoned by myself and having difficulty focusing when i would rather be reading and thinking.

this is a profoundly negative experience that is dramatically affecting my quality of life, for the worse.

yeah, as soon as i post that it's tolerable, she starts smoking again.

i need to get out...

so, i haven't moved since friday night, except to sleep in short shifts, naps, and to get up to eat, or use the washroom. i took a junk food run last night...

i'm through the first half of march, which closes season 4 and takes me into the start of season 5. the music vlog picks back up again in mid june, so i'm down to three months to fill the gap. and, the period one discs start closing in early july.

the air quality has actually been alright over the last 24 hours. i'm not sure exactly what the reason for this is, but it might have to do with the fact that the heat came back on. she seems to have made eggs last night and then stopped. i'm not expecting the situation to last.

that said., if it were to stay exactly like this, it would be fine. and i'm still not excited about moving...

i haven't given a technical notice to move yet, but i'm still planning on starting to look on wednesday. i'm going to need a very lengthy period of clear air to have me change my mind, at this point.

i don't know exactly what the market looks like right now.

ok, i'm through february.

the air quality in here is horrendous, but there's not any use in pretending i can do anything about it until the court date. it's not just the marijuana, it's the cigarettes. and, it's enough that it is physically making me sick - i have a brutally sore throat, which is a condition that i'm not used to at all.

i'm only still awake because i haven't eaten in 36 hours. it's time to eat....

i will have to call on monday or tuesday to ask about the other room, and i'll point out that there has been no change in habits. i don't expect a response, but whatever.

i can't articulate how disgusting the situation is, or how profoundly negatively it is affecting me. it's just constant. she simply doesn't stop smoking. ever.

i had to eat a little early after the blood test, and then ended up crashing, but it was merely a nap. nonetheless, i've been blurry all night - i think the coffee's finally started working again.

that said, the air quality seems to be better tonight. hope i didn't waste it. let's get started...

i got my blood taken. almost fainted, and i think he left a bruise. whatever.

seems like a boring weekend here. well, relative to my tastes. and, the weather is not conducive to drunken adventures and/or mindless dancing.

i think i'm staying in....

that will give me the chance to try and get through a good chunk of what's left, and get ready for serious house-hunting on...

...wednesday, actually. just 'cause i have the follow-up on tuesday, and it compartmentalizes that way.

could i get done by tuesday?

well, that depends on how much time i'm forced to waste sleeping.

*sigh*.

another day cut-off early due to tiredness caused by second-hand smoke.

i'm going to nap now so i can get up to get to the lab.

these people shouldn't exist. they shouldn't be allowed to exist. they should just disappear.

and, it's another thing, though: why are you so boring that you smoke drugs at the same time every day?

why not be a little more spontaneous about it?

it's another thing that takes the fun out of drugs.

fuck schedules.

maybe i should make something clear.

my schedule is erratic. but, generally speaking, 4:20 am is neither the beginning of the day for me, nor is it the end of it.

it's often just a point in the middle of it.

today, i want to be awake all morning and go to an appointment around noon.

i do not want to be stoned.

i do not want to go to sleep.

at all.

the smoke in here was heavy tonight (and i'm documenting this for the court date.), but the windows are also completely wide open. the wet weather is helping a lot....

i just finished season 3, which is up to february 8th.

time to eat. and fast.

and, hopefully i get another good chunk in afterwards.

today is a good example of how the smoke from downstairs is degrading my quality of life.

i woke up late in the evening, meaning i should have been able to stay awake until the afternoon, at least. but, she started blazing at 7:00, and i was passed out like a rock by 8:00 - and not able to molve again until after 2:00.

i wanted to hit my blood test this morning; i even fasted overnight for it. instead, i wasted the day sleeping.

i wanted to get my estrogen tested, but then i got high.

...even though, i'm of course not actually getting high, i'm just getting a headache and falling asleep.

:(.

i ended up leaving in a dirty rush - uncombed hair, unshaved face. like, just gross looking. but, i forgot my sheet, so i had to go back home.

i guess i'll have to try again tomorrow.

i got up to the end of january done last night and i'm going to try and push through a little further tonight.

i need to start looking for a new apartment on monday at the latest.

so, i got a message this afternoon denying my request to move the hearing up. what they said was that changes to the process are going to lead to longer delays, and i was simply scheduled as quickly as i could be.

i've looked into the amending process as well, and the person i talked to on the phone seems to have misunderstood what i requested.

i can't walk into a hearing on july 5th with the possibility of severing the lease on august 1st, and hope it's extended until september or october. that's insane. i could end up homeless. i mean, i should have more faith in the system than that, but i'm not into taking stupid risks.

so, the realistic options i have in front of me are to withdraw & resubmit or to negotiate an exit to the lease, and use the hearing strictly for the purposes of requesting damages.

i don't think that the owners are going to have a problem with me giving them notice.

i've decided that i need to move. there's no way around it. now, the hallways are full of shit again, too; this place is disgusting. no, let me be more clear: this place is full of disgusting people. if i don't get damages, i'm going to need to move, anyways, even if i have to leave some furniture behind. so, i'd might as well just give them 60 days.

i need to get my bloodwork done tomorrow. i was hoping to spend the day working, but i should get a few hours in, at least.

and...i guess i should start looking for august 1st asap.

this sucks. but there's not a better answer.

maybe i am feeling a little unusually hungover after all.

i finally crashed about 6:00 this morning, and i've barely been able to move, since. but, i actually think that this has a lot to do with the downstairs tenant's move back to indoor smoking, because i was fine before that happened - and it's whatever that she's smoking that consistently knocks me out like this, rather than anything else.

i didn't do anything today except sleep.

and, i'm still feeling tired & miserable in the familiar way caused by that second-hand smoke. but i'm going to try and get up to eat.

it has to be unusually high cbd, and almost no thc, because it really does just give you a headache and make you want to sleep for a week.

she'd might as well just be taking valium...

and, i'm left to wonder: did she ever smoke recreationally? does she know what marijuana is supposed to feel like, or did she just get diagnosed by some quack and pushed something that is powerful enough that some people think it might help with heroin addiction?

the kind of pot i'm used to smoking here and there is not going to help anybody with heroin addiction. i think i want to avoid anything that's been engineered to be that powerful, that's for sure.

she's been blazing hard since she got into that fight downstairs, and i just have to repeat what i've said before: the pot she's smoking doesn't get you high, it just makes you overwhelmingly tired. it's like getting hit with a tranquillizer. why does she even enjoy this?

on saturday night, i drank two shots of jager before i left, took a shot of vodka at the bus stop (don't ask.), drank half a rockstar vodka on the way to hamtramck, had four beers at the bar, finished the rock star vodka, nearly chugged a tall boy and then got through three cranberry somethings of questionable integrity before i blacked out, all without falling asleep. in between, i found some random hits of pot.

but, the second hand smoke from the "medical" marijuana user downstairs is frequently enough to physically knock me out.

it's nasty stuff, whatever it is.

don't expect to have any fun smoking this buzzkill prozac shit...