cover art pretension fail?

maybe, but it works. i'll make sure this is good....

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/time

actually, maybe i should make a general comment about the cover art...

with few exceptions, most of it is lifted. i'd hesitate to say i have little visual art talent - i've actually been told there is talent, to my honest surprise, underlying the little bit of work that i've done - but it's not something i like to spend a lot of time with. i just don't get the kind of creative burst out of it that visual artists need to get out of it to keep doing it. i think it's no secret that paintings can fetch absurd prices, too - my insistence on focusing on the art form may act as a mental block in diving into it. that is to say that i'm not driven by the kind of profit motive that tries to pass off a picture of a soup can as a work of art.

to me, music is a purely abstract creative form, whereas i tend to interpret the visual side of something as trying to capture an idea or an expression. that is, i see the visual as something much more concrete. further, i'd never doubt it's power in doing that. visual images can be quite striking in that context. so, if i had unlimited resources, i'd generally rather make use of a good photographer than an actual visual artist. when i do fall back to actual paintings, it's usually going to be with the same kind of mindset. it's maybe a bit backwards to look for something concrete in the surreal or in impressionism, but it's how i'm going to approach it for album cover art.

so, i went with the dali for this because it's a concrete representation of the abstraction of the track; however absurd or surreal the painting may be, it's the concrete connection between a picture of a clock melting and the sound of time caving in that is the point, here.

there are a few things i tossed together in paint, often constructed from existing images - like a sample art project. they're pretty obviously discernible. and the dali there is one of a few paintings that i feel have that concrete connection. generally, though, i'm going to focus on trying to find a photographic representation of the album's content - something i feel encapsulates the sound on the disc.

none of it's credited. i'm not selling a lot of records, so it's not a problem for me right now. i come out of a plunderphonics background, and don't see a lot of problem with borrowing the images, so long as i'm not exploiting the creators. and, the truth is that i'm currently not.

i've long committed myself to tracking down the original artists if a time comes where there's serious pressings and serious sales. this will happen, if or when that happens.

for now, i'm just lifting, and i'm thinking of it in terms of sample art.

obligatory influential on the track of the day post...

the drum machine? well, yeah. i'd never really used one before, and it became a pretty important creative tool.

(relevant tracks: confused)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZzh0heyPtI

i was dumb enough to sell it. i use an electronic kit now, and i do prefer the flexibility of a pair of sticks. but if i ever happen to stumble on one again....

ah, this record...

this is an "obligatory influential on" post.

i couldn't get this version up here in canada, so i instead bought both sides of the digipack. i had 'em dubbed onto a tape for walkman use, and hours of total headfuck on the bus.

the song is kind of....not reznor's best work. it's taken on this weird fake underground ebm club cultural context. it's clear, on the disc, that it's a depraved statement from somebody that's losing it. but, i guess nobody asked the dj at the strip club for any type of analysis, and there consequently never really was much.

the density of the track gave the remixers so much room to play with, and (as he was doing regularly at the time) he really got the a list out on it...

i can't overstate the influence of this disc. fixed, also. even today, all these years later, it's still the alpha document that informs the way i structure sound.

(relevant tracks: everything)

uploading confused to youtube

track switches tonight at midnight.

this is the remake of the one about me chopping my penis off. i haven't done the write-up yet. i'm getting snare parts down on 9:46 and am happy about the progress.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XNAYKj5qgO8

gah. not much more left for the day, nothing done.

but tomorrow i'm clear-headed and should be able to focus. hopefully the space gives me a bit of perspective. like, fuck, all i'm adding is a drum part and a yelp...this should be simple enough....

it's funny how you focus the least when you want to focus the most.

i underestimated the effects of stress. i'm useless under pressure.

it's not even a question of error, and it's not a conscious choice, but i seem to instinctively reject any kind of purpose.

if i have absolutely no pressure to create, i'm very productive. but, when i got deadlines - any kind of structure at all, really - i start procrastinating.

the more i'm pushed to better myself, the less i care.

strange? i don't think so. i think it's a coping mechanism and that it's probably common. it only seems strange if you begin with the error that we are rational and logical creatures.

but what it means is that i'm in a very bad spot. the stress isn't going to stop soon, and if i end up committing suicide it may be with less done due to the stress the process caused...

all they're succeeding in with this approach is making me less productive :(

i'm going to try and relax and get some mental composing done tonight, but i have another stressful day tomorrow....

so, the upstairs neighbour bought a new fridge, and he may have had the ice connected incorrectly.

it's a valid hypothesis, let's hope that's all there was to it. if so, i should be happy that it hit the counter rather than fall in behind it.

again, though, it's not confident-inducing regarding water damage in the structure.

after haggling him a bit to check under the sink, i'm pretty sure he found the connection that was leaking and stopped it. he was trying to convince me the window was leaking from the rain...

it hasn't rained in days. he's a little slow. but, hey, i'm used to living in a kafkaesque world, so i can deal with this...

"it could have been the rain from on friday"

"but it just showed up out of nowhere and then stopped."

"maybe it took a few days to seep down."

"ok, maybe. but can you look under the sink for me?"

"ok."

burst pipes...

jessica
hi.

we know the plumbing down here is aging; unfortunately, i think something may have blown deep into the wall.

i left around 11:00, was back around 12:30, left again around 1:00 and was back a little after 3:00. between 1:00 and 3:00 a significant amount of water appeared on the counter. there's none on the floor. the counters and cupboards are dry. the counter on the other side is dry. and the sink is dry. so it was initially very confusing as to where that water came from, to the point that i was worried about an unauthorized entry.

however, as i was cleaning it up, i felt a sprinkle come down on me from behind the cupboard. i need to be clear that this is very weird as a source - the cupboards and counters are completely dry, but something has sprung a leak behind them and is squirting out from a small hole in the wall.

here's the thing: with the flow rate i'm seeing, the amount of water that built up would have taken more like two days than two hours. that indicates to me that something likely burst and the sprinkle is just dead pressure. it also indicates that whatever's flowing through there is going to mess behind the wall when it gets turned on.

there was also a little bit of leaking coming out of the wall and the pipes. this seems to be migrating. in terms of the amount of water, is little more than condensation - not concerning. but in terms of the source it maybe is because it's right across the window.

so, i'm guessing that there's an exploded pipe behind the wall that can't be gotten at it without ripping things out. i can't provide any more information until i see more water. but i suspect it could be a messy situation fairly soon.

i've attached two files.

i know it's weird. i just need to reiterate that the inside of the cupboards are dry and under the sink is also dry. there just seems to have been a burst of water out of that crack...

(pause)

just to let you know...

it IS still dripping. it's not a lot, but it's coming down. i'm willing to accept the misinstalled fridge as a hypothesis, but if it's true than there's either still water in between the floors or it's still not set up right.

i'll keep monitoring.

(pause)

now, the paint or plaster is starting to peel and i'm getting concerned it might take the cupboard down or worse. wherever it's coming from, it's coming down beside the plaster and bubbling out of it.

so, we know:

1) something happened this afternoon which left a large amount of water on the counter.
2) it stopped.
3) something happened around 8:00 which led to it leaking again.
4) now it seems to have slowed down, if it not stopped.

i'm leaning towards an action-reaction relationship, which tells me it's plumbing related. it very well may be the fridge, but, whatever it is, i think the source needs to be determined and turned off...

the landlord
I found the problem, under my sink the connection was lose, it has been  snug up stop dripping, should be ok: stay in touch: Let me know if it stop dripping. It should dry up. Thanks for the info:

jessica
it seems to have stopped for now, hopefully it holds.

gah. the pipes in here are...ugh...

as far as i can tell, something busted when i was out. there was water all over the counter, but no obvious source - except that the space between the cupboard and the wall was wet. the cupboards are dry. it's dry under the sink. so it must be so deep into the wall that there's no answer besides turning it off. what i don't know is if i can turn it off or not.

i tested all the water sources in here and can state with certainty that, whatever the pipe is, it's not connected to my plumbing.

i emailed the landlord(s) and we'll have to see what i get back.

i suspect something upstairs froze and then burst when it unfroze. i wonder if it has to do with the switch to a furnace that happened over the summer, and if it's something i can expect more of this winter.

they've mentioned previously that most of the pipes are plastic, but there's obviously a bunch that aren't right above the counter. the end solution may be to swap them to plastic. but that's going to be expensive and annoying from what i can gather.

the other thing to point out is that moisture behind the walls is terrible news for keeping out bugs, which i feel i've been largely successful with.

it's going to be a piss off if that gives them the damp space they need.

(outside of obvious structural water damage issues, which i feel this place is pretty sketchy with - but i mean you get what you pay for when it comes to that)

there's no pipes anywhere near the gear, that's the most important thing.

this is a property that i'm more or less convinced *will* eventually cave in. the tub will go through the floor or something. it's a matter of time. i just hope i'm able to get what i need to get out of it before it does.

if somebody one day decides to sort out the cause, it's almost certainly going to be a combination of negligence with the pipes and negligence with the structural integrity of the flooring. i'm not thinking about this right now, i just want the pipe issue identified and turned off.

i mean, do i think this place would pass a safety? with much difficulty, and a laundry list of fixes. it's not imminently dangerous, but it's not being upkept, either.

but that's why it's dirt cheap, so i can deal with it...

this is the fourth or fifth time i've seen leakage this year. it always gets dealt with. this will get dealt with. but the sum of this - and all the damage that no doubt occurred before i moved in - adds up. like i say, it's a matter of time...

there's a half dozen places in the ceiling where you can identify the water damage. i initially decided it was probably just cosmetic. i don't think that's true anymore.

deathtokoalas
ugh. is that throbbing beat meant to represent the cheese congealing and exploding out of the screen? rocquefort incoming! cheddar at five o'clock - take cover!

i'm done now, but what a horrendous disappointment....

daniel tatro
The fact that she's consistent with it makes me think it's intentional. Yeah, her earlier work was more complex and melodic, but the name of this album is "Unflesh". Without flesh, so I think she's implying that she purposely "stripped" her sound to convey something more raw and psychological. I think she was challenging herself, and I respect her for that.

deathtokoalas
i don't think there's any question it's intentional.....

the way i'm interpreting it is that when she first started everybody was comparing her to fever ray. it wasn't that accurate a comparison, but it was everywhere. so, sensing an opportunity to capitalize on the misperception, she shifted her sound to try and tap into the audience she was being marketed to.

and, it seems to have worked on some level. but it's more than a little bit disappointing to hear somebody that is obviously quite talented stoop to that kind of level.

it's reflective of a set of broader trends, though. in the end, i suspect she'll snap out of this one way or another. in the meantime, i need to be hypercritical.

Gazelle Twin
"i'm going to let negative reaction of these videos stand as a reflection of the general inability of the masses to comprehend abstract art. go ahead and dislike it...you idiots....." https://www.youtube.com/user/deathtokoalas/about

deathtokoalas
i would agree that everybody should check my site out :)

it's not the right reaction to get defensive. i'm criticizing with the intent that you push yourself a little harder. your first disc had many layers to untangle - it was very carefully, intricately put together. your second disc displays no such subtlety. so, you'll have to forgive me for expecting a little more out of you than you provided on your most recent effort, and trying to get that across in hopes that you'll take the criticism to heart.

a critic has a social responsibility to push artists to their potential. i take this seriously. to a real critic, a review is not just a marketing tool - it's an evaluation, and feedback. ideally, there should be dialogue, so i like the fact that you're responding.

now, if you're trying to justify the nature of your recent release by turning my words around on me, i have to reject that from where i'm standing - and i know that you might not know where i'm standing, but that kind of argument is actually the nature of the criticism, rather than a way around it.

sgearry
I think every artist is especially vulnerable with their second album which is always going to face the criticism of either 'more of the same' or 'something different'. I say good on Gazelle for challenging herself to the latter as opposed to restraining herself to a certain methodology, and producing some very interesting results! I agree, the first album is beautiful but this is something completely different which I feel in turn deserves a completely different (and maybe a little more merciful!) angle of critique to that of the first album. I feel that this musical shift is more a product of the artistic concept of the album (a challenging exploration of the human body as I understand), than anything to do with marketing strategies, and I think it's a visionary achievement. Also, I really like koalas :) Why would you advocate their extinction?    

deathtokoalas
koalas must be abolished due to their perversely insolent cuteness.

i don't really think this discussion has an end point, as we're starting from opposite premises.

daniel tatro
I simply dont think it's fair to assume that she changed her style bcause of whom she is being compared to. She could have easily spit out another "The Entire City", but instead took  differentpath and did anequally good job. You cant trash an album just because it wasnt what you wanted to hear

deathtokoalas
well, she didn't previously sound very much like fever ray. then everybody compared her to fever ray. then she releases a record that is indistinguishable from a fever ray record (and is boring for all the same reasons that fever ray is boring). it's a deduction, but it's a fairly obvious one.

i'll generally criticize an artist for stagnancy more often and more acutely than i will criticize an artist for releasing a failed experiment. but, this isn't a failed experiment. it's just a hollowing out, a watering down, a pandering to the audience...

sgearry
By this premise, I imagine there are a lot of animals out there having the same existential crisis. Do you feel the same about cats for example, or just koala bears in particular? I'm genuinely intrigued by this rationale.

deathtokoalas
cats are a different kind of evil, always plotting to eat you as soon as they get the chance. that's a minor concern. the koalas are really the tip of something much deeper, something that threatens our very existence.

xTheOxx
I like that GT quoted you, then said nothing more. Everything you wrote afterward fell in one of two categories: assumptions about what she meant, and comments that invalidate your own feelings about people criticizing your work.

You feel like your criticism is constructive, or that she somehow doesn't understand what real criticism is for, yet people who criticize your work are, according to you, "idiots" who merely prove that the masses don't deserve your greatness. I've listened to a few of your tracks. My criticism to you is this: find a way to make your take on abstraction a little bit appealing. Better musicians have done it, but from what I hear, you don't. At all.

deathtokoalas
my comments are reflective of the like system, and what i've pulled out of the metrics. it seems to be common for people to listen to thirty seconds of a twenty-five minute piece and then click "dislike". this is all very clear in the context it exists in, and i would invite people to go to my page and read my comments rather than rely on this idiot's misunderstanding of them.

now, you're further suggesting that i sell out. no thanks.

art is challenging, not appealing. it reflects the viewpoints of the artist, who must be entirely disinterested in the public's reaction. nor is it malleable to public opinion.

once you start bringing in these characteristics and acting in this way, you are no longer producing art and are no longer an artist. you are now a clown producing a commodity.

deathtokoalas
the production is a little better than the last one, but it's equally boring. best case projected scenario from this point is that the singles are the filler on the record....

Azriel X
and what records have you made this year...hmm?

deathtokoalas
listen, elizabeth, i didn't mean to spam your video, but i think it's reasonable to answer the question.

i finalized a total of 28 bandcamp releases over 2014. that's not a sarcastic response. really, seriously. well, you've gotta expect answers you're not expecting. now, this is material that was initially written over the space of 1999-2002, but a lot of it was left scored in midi files or half finished demos. my goal over 2014 was to complete as much of it as i could, and this is continuing into 2015. i probably won't finish 28 over 2015, but i could very well finish around 20.

of those 28 releases, some of them are eps full of remixes (some are quite long; one is three hours) and a few of them are full records that i'd characterize as existing before i took my training wheels off as a composer. i was 18 years old in 1999.

to answer the question directly, i completed my fourth and fifth records over 2014, as well as the bulk of my sixth and seventh (which will be finalized within a few weeks). this was a process of compiling existing material, recording previously written material and writing around existing demos.

google's spam filters are a little overactive, and this would be spam if it weren't for the request. so the main site is at jasonparent dot bandcamp dot com. add the following to the end of that.

fourth record:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/deny-everything

fifth record:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

sixth record (to be finalized soon):
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj-2

seventh record (to be finalized soon):
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/ftaa

you could also take a look around the main site if you'd like, as there are literally dozens of other releases up there.

(deleted comment)

deathtokoalas
bandcamp is really the only half-functioning record label on the planet right now - pretty much the only way to seriously avoid the industry influence and release records independently, without interference from bankers. i just wish it had a better comment system.

is clarity witch house?

i've been struggling for a way to describe it, and it might be the right description. it's the right synthesis, although the ragtime section at the end is kind of not very witch house. keep in mind this is from 2002. i was listening to large amounts of coil at the time, and coming out of a near obsession with skinny puppy. while a fundamentalist atheist, i've always had an interest in "goth music". sean had roots in more of the goth-metal stuff like manson...

this is the unmodified 2002 vocal mix. witch house?

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/clarity-original-vocal-mix



my tags on this are sort of priceless, but it's the truth of it.

post-punk, goth, noise, synth pop, witch house, folk, industrial, noise rock, ragtime, Jazz Fusion,

i guess that's not completely out of left-field...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0GzEiZYJa0

this is why i'm being careful to date everything as best as i can. there's legitimately a lot of novel ideas that are before their time hidden in my work. if i get it all properly dated, hopefully somebody with the right ear finds it....

treatment

hi

i'm going to send a duplicate over facebook, as i hope to get a referral out by monday if i need to do it that way. however, i suspect it may be easier to simply book an appointment.

the purpose of contacting you is to get my hormone prescription renewed. i've already been through all of the mtf transgender diagnosis - and a very long time ago at that. i've been on hormones absolutely steadily since 2010.

i was previously dealing with a doctor in ottawa. about a year ago, i moved to windsor. last month, i had my prescription renewal denied due to the doctor no longer practicing. i've had *general* difficulties with the doctors in windsor - they won't take my odsp seriously, and they won't write me hormone prescriptions. i'm really at a loss of understanding.

i couldn't even contemplate how i'd react if i were to stop taking them. i've been on them five years! my entire life exists in a female identity. i simply don't understand why the doctor in windsor is refusing to prescribe, but it's forcing me to look outside the city.

i was able to get an emergency prescription to the end of december from the hospital ER room. that's an extreme step, but i had nowhere else to go to get the extension. what that means is i'm hoping to see somebody before the new year.

i'll have to take the bus down, which shouldn't be a problem so long as i have enough time to plan. again: my records are with the doctor in ottawa. would you be willing to see me?

jessica

so, drum parts and erratic sleeping schedules don't go well together....

i decided in the end that i can't use the parts i recorded yesterday, but i was working through the day. today, i lost due to sleepiness which i think is a combination of nicotine withdrawal and the frightful temperature outside. i'm convinced my ancestors hibernated, because the cold just slows me right down....

i can't record much tonight (maybe some simple kick parts), but i should hopefully be able to compose the drum parts for quick completion in the morning. i don't think i'm adding anything else to the track, besides a howl near the end. but we'll see...

the next track up is 'time', which i'm entirely rethinking and don't want to jump ahead into.

well, the curve got beat in the end (again), but this is actually kind of disappointing because i was on track to top 4000 until about the 15th. hits actually crashed really badly in the second half of the month. if they don't recover soon, november is going to be ugly...

...but, again, it's sort of meaningless. i watched my current front track (inertia) jump from 210 to 276 in one jump, then from 276 to 301 in ten minutes. under 300, it's real time. it was 100 hits in about a half hour. yet it took three days to catch up in the official tally, indicating i'm getting hundreds and hundreds more hits than are being recorded. i think this is happening because people, in general, aren't blocking the autoplay.

i've been through this before, and i'm not convinced the policy has remained static. it seems to swap back and forth more or less randomly. that's not really the substantial concern. the substantial concern, for me, is simply that the hit counts aren't accurate in measuring REACH, which is what youtube exists for. until youtube changes the way that it understands itself from a content provider to an advertising platform, that accuracy will never exist.

here's an example of the disconnect: while traffic was crashing at youtube (at least officially), it was soaring at bandcamp - which is where the hits actually matter. i hit 500 hits this month, which is the highest total in five years. i also got several sales, for the first time ever. given that 95% of my bandcamp traffic comes from youtube, it doesn't make any sense to think that bandcamp peaked the same time youtube crashed - but it's what the numbers suggest. again, it's not really that the youtube numbers crashed, it's that the metrics aren't even close to being accurate because of the site's policy in how they're being measured.

in the end, i have to conclude that what i'm doing is working. i'm driving traffic to where i want it to be. i'm selling discs - hopefully more soon. it's just that youtube isn't measuring it...

the psychological attachment i previously had into this is dissipated. sure, i'd like to see it keep growing. but i know it doesn't really mean anything...

this curve is far more important, and you can see that nice spike.

i guess i'm hoping i can continue to beat the curve for the year. we'll see what happens after that.

i mean, i'll also point out that i don't get to really promoting my first official recordings for another year. these are just introductory demos, where i was teaching myself how to do things. they're not really salable or presentable as anything more than that. so that's lots of time to go through those sorts of growing pains and figure it out.

my first really serious recordings won't enter the promo cycle until 2017.

late 2017...

it's slow, but i knew that was going to be the reality when i picked this and i'm sticking with it.

i'm not expecting it to bell on me. that would be horrific. i'm expecting it to hit a max point and stay flat. i guess there's some evidence that 3000 might be that max point, but there's also some evidence it's still growing.

i've wondered if it might even have something to do with the school schedule. it seemed to peak before midterms and crash during them.

if so, i might notice a yearly pattern work in that is fluctuating upwards. who knows, though, we'll just have to watch and see.

if you're curious for cost purposes...

the main heat is about to finally kick in - meaning it's about to hit 21 in here. meaning it's been above 21 in here without the heat on all fall so far. it's 21.3, so it'll fall within the next few hours. it's a little earlier than last year, but the temperature hasn't been very high. considering this is a basement, and it's been cold for weeks, that's actually sort of remarkable. had we not got these intense drops.....

the small heater in the bathroom has been on since the first week of october.

To Spin Inside Dull Aberrations

ganzonomy
Hello.

I was listening to "I am the Walrus" while working on a Master's Thesis (strange basis), and in the sidebar was the song in the subject line.  I was floored.  I cannot describe exactly what it is, but the entire song has been nothing short of amazing.  (Admittedly, it has served as a good "backdrop" for working on my Thesis about cyberwarfare.)  What inspired this absolutely incredibly frenetic work?

jessica
that version of the recording was written in late '01 as a stadium rock track for an unrealized rock project, but not constructed in it's existing form until about a month ago. there's consequently a set of influences relative to 2001 (it's half industrial, half no-wave/grunge) and a set of influences relative to 2014 (i've been listening to a lot of melodic hardcore recently), as well as a lot of stuff i've come in and out of in between. i've dubbed my work "blender rock", which means that it tries to take in as diverse a set of influences as is possible.

i have writeups for most material up until about 2002 at my bandcamp site:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations

i should also point out that this is a reworking of what i call my fourth symphony. there are roughly ten versions of this track, and i will be compiling them shortly, but for now all i have is this, which is the version with the symphony title:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/trepanation-nation

ganzonomy
It's some of the wildest, most interesting, stuff I have heard in a long, long, while.  I'll take a look at those links when I resume my work on my MA Thesis, but from what I heard, I am thoroughly impressed.

I've been listening to a lot of late 1960s / early 1970s Miles Davis (The "Electric Era"), and I see parallels in it, especially the extent of keyboard and guitar work and the emphasis of such instruments.  (If you have a chance, I highly recommend finding a copy of Dark Magus - Live at Carnegie Hall, for me, it seems to be his "peak" from that era).  I've very often just sat down with a good pair of headphones and tried to pick apart each individual instrument and where it's going (or trying to go) compared to the others.  (I like doing that with a lot of works, be it King Crimson, Frank Zappa, Miles, anything that has a lot of instrumentation that's intertwined, or just something that can be ridden like a "magic carpet"). 

Again, great work :-)

jessica
davis is an interesting parallel. i've certainly spent a lot of time listening to davis, but the times i've sat down with any kind of emulation purposes are pretty rare. i'd say i get my mclaughlin pull more out of the mahavishnu stuff. the prog is key for me: i was sort of reared on crimson, genesis, zappa and floyd and it formed the basis of my musical understanding before kurt cobain smashed a guitar over my head and made me take notice of punk rock, which i suppose was a fairly normal experience for people my age at that time. that prog rock childhood was very formative, though, and eventually defined my interests in post-rock in the late 90s and early 00s.

i'm glad you're enjoying it...

ganzonomy
Davis' work from 1972 to 1975 (post-McLaughlin, his primary guitarist by that point had become Pete Cosey), is less smooth and more a mixture of Hendrix-meets-Parliament.  I got reared on what would be considered "classic rock", but one of the things I enjoyed doing was finding out where "the limits" were.  I became a Disc Jockey at WHRW Binghamton from 2004 through 2008 (I was a student at Binghamton University, hated it... wound up going through the City University of New York (CUNY) Queens College from 2010 onwards to complete my Bachelor's... but I digress, back to Disc Jockeying.  I found that era of my life to be the most musically expanding.  I would play anything ranging from Django, to Antheil (Ballet Mecanique being a personal favorite), to Zappa (the show was named Frankly... Zappa for a time), to spike jones, etc.,  The premise was "if it's been recorded, it's playable, and if it hasn't, I'll figure out how to turn the random things in the station into musical instruments".

Alas, the master's thesis is on cyberwarfare - which due to the lack of political science stuff (but a TON of computer science stuff) is kicking my brains in.  Thanks for making the research process easier.  PS: I read some of your works from when you were in college for law, they're actually quite good.  If you find the spark to finish, go for it.

jessica
i started off in theoretical physics and, after bouncing around quite a bit, finished a math degree in 2006. i went back in '08 to do a computer science degree for purely economic reasons and got to a half credit from finishing it before realizing that it really wasn't what i wanted to be doing with my life, so i mentally switched into law and finished up to the end of second year in it. i ended up concluding that i was arguing with the basic premises of the english common law and that there wasn't any future in continuing on with it outside of existing in some kind of purely theoretical space that is populated solely by anarchists. i couldn't possibly apply my perspectives in any kind of a real world context. i have loose plans on going back to school, but i think i'd probably want to focus on a master's degree in mathematics.

for the time being, i'm focusing on "completing my discography", which ran from roughly 1996-2011 and has dozens of half complete ideas. the track in question (as mentioned, from 2001 but finished last month) is a part of that process of finishing incomplete ideas. i've worked my way up to 2002, meaning i still have about ten years of musical ideas to finish before i start thinking about restarting an academic career.

ganzonomy
The basic arguments of law are some of the  most absurd things i've seen, i'm not a lawyer (my area, were I to enter it after the MA, would be international law), but there are some arguments where i'm just like "REALLY.... what was being smoked when this was argued?!" (and that's even taking into account historical contexts in supreme court cases).  I started out in Mechanical Engineering myself (discovered I couldn't do calculus) before going into psychology and finally political science.  Insofar as anarchists, are we talking anti-government sorts, or are we talking about the IR idea of anarchy that is chaos?

The idea of having a vault of unfinished music, is something that has fascinated me.  I'm a photography fan, and to see works that I've done years after they were made, I find interesting; particularly in seeing the things now that I could have improved, conditions that I could have changed (lenses, film type, etc.,), and I find I have very few that I'm like "Yes, this was PERFECT!".  Admittedly though this travels to my writing, where I'm always - after the fact - going into analyzing every little grammatical mistake that was missed. 

Side Question?  What exactly did "death to koalas" come from?

jessica
one of the (many) assumptions i found myself having difficulty agreeing with was the idea that situations should be analyzed by an objective criteria. i'd ultimately take the perspective that this isn't even possible - which is essentially the critical legal studies view that law is functionally defined by actors using the rules to justify enforcing their opinion, rather than the other way around. where i'd break with the cls people is that i actually think this is preferable to an objective set of rules, so long as the class relations can be abolished or minimized in terms of decision making (and replacing incarceration with civil/tort law in all but the most extreme of situations would ease a lot of those concerns) and the decision making is take out of the hands of elitist judges and put more into the hands of the community.

even something as seemingly black and white as "thou shalt not murder" is not really acceptable to me. i can come up with endless justifications for murder that go beyond the immediate need for self-defense. so, i don't think that a system that produces these static, immutable rules and demands they never be broken is the right approach - i think a system that looks at the situation on a case by case basis and determines whether the behaviour is or is not beneficial to the community on that basis - completely independently of past decisions - is preferable. adopting this approach would throw the concept of stare decisis out the window and completely abolish the authority of the existing common law in favour of the authority of the actual, existing community.

the general position in opposition is going to be that a system of clearly delineated laws makes it clear what the boundaries are in terms of what behaviour is allowed and what behaviour is not. but i'd identify this "liberal" mindset as the basis of most of the problems we have in front of us, from financial speculation to environmental degradation. if we want to talking about improving our social conditions, we have to shift society so that people are thinking about actively making moral choices rather than behaving as badly as they can with the singular restriction of merely avoiding the law. if your only argument in favour of a behaviour is "it's not illegal", maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

but, in taking this position, i'm rejecting the very foundations of english society. it may be an interesting exercise in anarchist rhetoric, but it's not something i can explore in a courtroom or in a classroom. and, i ultimately don't feel i need those pieces of paper to write on the topic if i decide to in the future.

ganzonomy
The first two paragraphs are mind-blowing to me (not in a bad way, but in a way that I had never considered viewing things and will have to research further, since traditional law is built on absolutes and to a great extent ignores ethics for "if it's legal I can do it, if it's not deemed illegal, i can still do it!".  Not to get too political-sciencey, but you are touching on the issue that existed between President Theodore Roosevelt and President William Howard Taft during the early 20th century.  Whereas Roosevelt's mentality was primarily "if it's not stricken as explicitly illegal, I can get away with it", Taft's mentality was "it is only doable if the law explicitly states it is doable".  (However both were notable for their "trust-busts" during the early 20th century as well as their presences in Latin America during that time period as well.  As far as law goes - admittedly I'm not a law student in the US (right now, I'm finishing my Master's in CUNY Brooklyn, I may go for International Law after), I will agree that law is a construct that is built from the norms of the society of which it exists in, but the issue I have is that while not having "objective rules" may be preferable in either a small state / municipality, "objective rules" need to exist in some capacity for the purposes of providing a structure - however decrepit it may be - for judicial purposes.

I do agree with a case-by-case basis for things, because of mitigating circumstances.  I find the allowance of organizations such as the MPAA and RIAA to act egregiously simply because someone's grandmother plays happy birthday from an MP3 download, to be asinine.  (Actually, the fact happy birthday is copyrighted, and that the copyright law in the USA allows for it to be continually renewed, is mind-blowing.  The recent movie, the butler, underwent an MPAA issue because Warner Bros. has a movie called the butler from about 1914, that is not publicly available (so it is not hostile-defended in a public market), but WB won the right to have that movie's name changed for "disambiguation purposes".  Although I'm a liberal thinker in terms of economics (ie: I do believe some measure of patent law is necessary to protect original innovation, but the extent that such things are protected, and even what can be protected... is insane (video yoga, for instance recently was patented in the USA; DiMarzio has a registered trademark on its double-creme pickups for electric guitars, etc.,).  Conversely, I do think there is a cost-of-service that comes with the rarity of the position and the ensuing difficulty (ie: an anesthesiologist should make more than a burger-flipper due to the level of skill that is required, but at the same time I have more respect for the working individual, regardless of whether he / she is a lawyer or a burger-flipper, than the welfare case, simply because of the effort being made).  As someone who's put himself through undergraduate, and now graduate, school, I do appreciate the value of working - even though much of my work was physical, rather than intellectual, labor.

I think, if you could take what you are thinking, grind out law school for the LL.B or JD (depending on if you go in the USA or Canada or elsewhere), and then go for an LL.M or S.J.D., your views and the research you have for them, will be very fruitful.  The first two paragraphs you wrote though - perhaps because i'm not a law student - were difficult to understand.  So if I need some clarification, I apologize.  The last two paragraphs though, I 100% agree.

jessica
i just want to clarify that i wouldn't align with either taft or roosevelt on this point. my position would be "as a sovereign individual, *i* decide if it's right or wrong". now, i'd give the community a sort of right to review the decision, but i wouldn't force any kind of a constitutional order on the community in their process of doing so.

so how do people know if something is legal? they answer is they don't and can't know by merely looking it up in a reference text - they have to work out those details and decide for themselves if the behaviour ought to be condemned (technically, behaviour cannot be restricted in a free society, so it's not a question of what is allowed or not allowed it's a question of what is censured or not censured) or not. there may be disagreements, but i wouldn't argue that this is a bad thing. i think the level of uncertainty is already inherent in the existing system and dismantling the facade of an objective system is merely being honest about it.

there are some obvious things: it's obvious that somebody that kills his neighbour for walking on his lawn should be censured. there are less obvious things: i would argue that somebody that kills his neighbour for raping his daughter is justified in his reaction.

ganzonomy
I'm going to ponder your argument a bit.  I do like sharp conversation (A LOT!) and I thank you for that.  (I'm pondering it because you have given me an incredible amount of info and i have to digest it mentally.)

I did see on your feed "He used to cut the grass".  That album (Joe's Garage), has my favorite guitar solo (Watermelon in Easter Hay).  That guitar solo was the first Zappa song I figured out by ear. I have the first part, and the last part, but I need to figure out the middle part.  (But that solo... puts chills down my spine.)

uploading 9:46 to the scratchpad

there, that's starting to look a little more like something that's fit to call my own....

there's a first-five-minutes temp mix going up to the scratchpad. that first five minutes (no death involved, here) is essentially done. what's left to do is imagine the drum parts and then find a way to create them.

i went with a glitchy post-rock idm approach with this - the drums are live, but they sound cut up. i've always liked that. i've mentioned a few times that what ended up writing this track was some digital corruption that happened in the demo, and caused the guitar to stutter. i glitched up the bass and organ parts (bass especially) to react to it, and now i've glitched up the drums.

it's a strange combination, as it's sort of a "nice" track, but all weird and glitchy. that's something i always wished glitch would have approached with a bit more zeal. i mean, the broken equipment thing was fun and all, but why not break an entire song? few people really did.

i'm leaving myself open to criticism from the dimwits on this, but fuck 'em.

ok, the drumless mix is fixed for now - maybe minor tweaks coming but it sounds good. i got practiced up on the drums...

it's not like i can't play the kit. for an intuitive player, i think i'm actually pretty talented at it. but i have no training so it's just sort of flailing around in these abstract breakbeats. i actually want to take advantage of that for this track....

i want to stop at 7:00 for the neighbours, so let's see what i can get done in two hours.

it's not that loud, really, i'm just being overly sensitive about it.

high school records are apparently shredded, but junior high school records apparently aren't? i think one of them is wrong. they always told me the file was permanent. hrmmn. i've got stuff being forwarded, will see how that plays out before i start calling to find out...

this is going to go in your PERMANENT RECORD.

well, listen, i'm not really one for the surveillance state and shit, but when you're dealing with information that suggests a pathological condition, i think it really should be permanent. if it's shredded, that doesn't help me - and if it was worse than it is (mild vandal-type pranks, mostly), it wouldn't be in the interests of society, either.

i mean, i was always very careful and very cognizant of the well being of people around me. there were circumstances where i stood in between things happening in order to prevent harm, but nothing where i ever put anybody's safety at risk. the overriding driving force was mostly that i found the vandalism comical. what the behaviour demonstrates is more a conscious desire to flaunt rules - and some political activism, actually.

i enjoyed defacing student council propaganda, for example.

unfortunately, the really nasty pranks were mostly never uncovered. the master prank was probably the time i blew up the school mascot (with military grade dynamite) and placed it back where it was, and nobody ever caught me for that. they installed cameras in the school afterwards, but they never busted me for the best of them.

i think probably the worst situation i got caught for was the time i took the screws out of the exercise equipment in the gym, so that when buddy six-pack football dude got on the exercise bike it fell apart underneath him. that's the kind of thing that characterizes the file, if i can find it. was it funny? that's up to interpretation. the dude that sat on the bike thought it was funny. it's certainly anti-social.

the reality is that it got to the point that the school stopped providing evidence. it didn't feel the need to require it. when a prank happened, it was understood i was responsible. nobody else would have done these things. i suppose i could have been badly framed, but never was.

so, it's less that i "got caught" and more that i was obviously responsible...

....kind of a "j strikes again" type of thing...

it's a huge file, if it's out there, probably with all kinds of things i've completely forgotten about.

and, in my defence, i often caught the principal suppressing laughter. most of it legitimately WAS comical.

it's actually the same school dan aykroyd went to, and that was brought up to me more than once.

apologies to huey lewis.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1-NvLJFDsw

rap news 29

eek.

i'm pretty sure i don't have ebola.

just the pizza.

phew. for a minute, there....

access to student records

jessica
hi.

i attended frank ryan from 1993-1995 under the name jason parent. i go by the name jessica, now - but anybody there that would remember me would remember me as jason.

i had some disciplinary problems when i was a student at frank ryan, which included being removed from my eighth grade class and placed in a different classroom. you could broadly classify me as a "prankster", although some of the behaviour was a little more intense than that. i was also a fairly quiet and sometimes bullied individual and a relatively good student, and these two things together got me through the process with less consequences than i may have otherwise had to deal with. it was generally understood that i was a "bright" kid and i'd "grow out of it".

however, as i've aged, it's become clear that the cause of my anti-social outbursts (which continued even after high school) is an undiagnosed personality disorder. in hindsight, i feel that this disorder should have been diagnosed while or even before i was a student at frank ryan. as it is, i'm now nearly 34 years old, remain undiagnosed and continue to demonstrate substantial symptoms. i'm currently living on odsp and trying to compile evidence of this undiagnosed personality disorder for the purposes of having that renewed.

now, the same mild mannered nature that got me off the hook in grade school is acting against me in terms of convincing physicians that there's actually a problem. there's a very big disconnect between how i come across in an interview setting (which is very respectful and "normal") and the actual record of my past behaviour (which has at times been just off the wall). i don't have a criminal record. so, the best evidence i can provide would be my behavioural records through grade school, high school and approximately ten years of university.

i would greatly appreciate it if you could send me these documents. i currently live in windsor, ontario.

now, i understand that this is a random email address that even displays an entirely different name - you have no way to know that i am who i say i am. i simply don't know what the proper process is in proving who i am. so, if you could guide me through that, that would be great. the closest i can get to coming down there in person is sending my mom...

the ottawa catholic school board
Hello Jessica,

I work in the records and archives at the Ottawa Catholic School Board.  I was sent your request by the Vice Principal at Frank Ryan

A few questions to complete your request;

Date of Birth
What schools did you attend after Frank Ryan (in Ontario or outside of Ontario)
What grade and year was your last year at school?
Did you receive your diploma?

Please let us know and we would be happy to help you with your request

Thanks

jessica
legal name: jason parent
dob: jan 13, 1981

i'd actually be looking for records for the following schools, all in ottawa:

- st bernard's (k4 - grade two)
- uplands catholic (grade three - grade six)
- frank ryan (grades seven-eight)
- st pius x (grades 9 - oac)

i finished my oac year in the spring of 2000.

the diploma question is a little shady. i completed all of the requirements except for the oac religion component, which was a part of the catholic school requirements. i took eight oacs but skipped the community service becaue i simply didn't have time for it between studying for "real courses" and working. i'm really starkly opposed to the idea of labour without compensation and refused to do the community service in an act of protest. this is a big discussion about class that i'll spare you. i'm consequently not entirely certain if a diploma actually exists. i don't think i've ever seen one. i didn't attend the graduation ceremonies (i didn't attend my university graduation ceremony, either). i did attend university and was admitted on the basis of my oac marks.

the ottawa catholic school board
Hello,

Thank you for the information.  I will be able to provide you with copies of all records we have in our archives.  We will need to order them from our off-site storage which may take a few days.  We will contact you when they are ready

jessica
i greatly appreciate that. thank you.

access to student records

jessica
hi.

i attended st. pius X from 1995-2000 (when there were five years in high school) under the name jason parent. i go by the name jessica, now - but anybody there that would remember me would remember me as jason.

i had some disciplinary problems when i was a student at st. pius - multiple suspensions, and a few points of near expulsion. you could broadly classify me as a "prankster", although some of the behaviour was a little more intense than that. i was also a fairly quiet and sometimes bullied individual and a relatively good student, and these two things together got me through the process with less consequences than i may have otherwise had to deal with. it was generally understood that i was a "bright" kid and i'd "grow out of it".

however, as i've aged, it's become clear that the cause of my anti-social outbursts (which continued after high school) is an undiagnosed personality disorder. in hindsight, i feel that this disorder should have been diagnosed before i even got to st. pius. as it is, i'm now nearly 34 years old, remain undiagnosed and continue to demonstrate substantial symptoms. i'm currently living on odsp and trying to compile evidence of this undiagnosed personality disorder for the purposes of having that renewed.

now, the same mild mannered behaviour that got me off the hook in high school is acting against me in terms of convincing physicians that there's actually a problem. there's a very big disconnect between how i come across in an interview setting (which is very respectful and "normal") and the actual record of my past behaviour (which has at times been just off the wall). i don't have a criminal record. so, the best evidence i can provide would be my behavioural records through grade school, high school and approximately ten years of university (if anybody is curious, i finished degrees in mathematics and computer science, as well as minors in law and physics - and was written up repeatedly for angry, anti-social outbursts directed at profs and students).

i would greatly appreciate it if you could send me these documents. i currently live in windsor, ontario.

now, i understand that this is a random email address that even displays an entirely different name - you have no way to know that i am who i say i am. i simply don't know what the proper process is in proving who i am. so, if you could guide me through that, that would be great. the closest i can get to coming down there in person is sending my mom...

mr. warren
Good Morning Jessica,

I received your email and I remember you as a good student.

I now work in the Student Services Department.

After students leave high school, all documentation is destroyed after five years, except for transcripts. So all we have on file now is your transcript showing good marks and credits earned. There is nothing here regarding any issues or behaviour.

jessica
hi mr warren.

yeah, i was in your enriched math class and also your chemistry class. i think you also knew my stepmother.

frank ryan has told me that the school board keeps archived information. do you think i'd be able to find information there? if you so, do you have a contact address?

there were in fact multiple suspensions and a threat of possible expulsion that never materialized. if there's a file somewhere, it's really quite thick.

mr. warren
Hello Jessica,

Sorry, other than the OSR that was here, I am not aware of any archived files. Once students leave high school, all of the suspensions and related files are shredded after 5 years, and only the transcript is retained. You could certainly call the board office and ask if you wish.

hi....

jessica
it's jason parent.

it's been a few years, but i'm sure you remember me...

i don't think i have access to a carleton account anymore, but i can double check if you can't accept correspondence from this email. i think if you check, though, you'll see i corresponded from this address repeatedly.

i've been on odsp for two years, now. it's brought me to windsor, ontario where the cost of living is much lower. i was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder at the mission in ottawa, which was an exaggeration of symptoms i was experiencing out of concern for my homelessness at the time. i'm now up for renewal, and i'm not likely to get renewed on that basis.

however, after reflecting on my life history, i feel there's an undiagnosed personality disorder going back many years that i'd benefit from having diagnosed properly. now, you might recall that you were always impressed by how i came off in an interview context - that is that there was a large disconnect between how i presented myself to you face-to-face and the outbursts that caused you to summon me to you. that same disconnect is acting to my disadvantage. that is, i come off very normal and stable. the truth is i AM very stable in the situation that i'm in and don't really want things to change. i'm also fully cognizant that it's difficult to extrapolate my symptoms from interviewing me. i'm going to have to present an argument that's based on a long history of antisocial behaviour going back to my early childhood - and that is well documented through behavioural reports in grade school, high school and university.

so, i'm hoping you can send me the reports that you filled out about me so that i can take them to a psychiatric evaluation as evidence of this long, long undiagnosed underlying issue. even if it doesn't get me to odsp, i need it properly diagnosed and understood.

in hindsight, i actually feel i should have been diagnosed before the age of 15, at least. the argument was always that i was very "bright" and that a diagnosis would negatively impact my future. but as time has played out, it's become clear that the underlying concerns need to be dealt with and that the fact that they never were has really been far more negative than positive. i don't know what diagnosis is forthcoming - i think it's going to depend a lot on how the evidence is interpreted - but i couldn't imagine somebody sorting through the suspensions and near expulsions i experienced through a 20 year academic career without pulling something debilitating out of it.

so, i'd appreciate that tremendously. again, let me know if i need to send this from a different address. i don't know if i even still know the passwords, though...

director of student affairs, carleton university
Hi Jessica,

I remember you.   Good to hear from you.  Sounds like things are going ok.  I did my undergrad at Windsor.  Lots of memories.  I know in recent years the town hasn't been doing so hot.  Hopefully things are getting better, particularly in the downtown core.

It shouldn't be a problem for me to pull up some of my emails and then send them to you again, but I will need you to send me an email from your CU account.  I'll send the emails there and you'll have them for your records to support your appeal.  I'm suspect the process of getting back into your Carleton account is pretty straightforward.  Once you get access, let me know and I'll send you the information.

Let me know if that sounds like an acceptable course of action.

maybe not.

i'm wired. going to do some listening/composing, anyways. too late to bash anything, now. going to get ready for bed and go from there.

ok, i've freaked out enough today, and my creative aids are slow to arrive, so i guess it's time to get to work.

well, i've sent emails out to the four schools i've been to since grade three. i don't remember before grade three. i'm not quite sure why. anyways, we'll find out if anybody reads these things or if they're dead addresses....

give it a few days before i start calling.

i'm quite certain i'll get a response from ryan at carleton, and it may be all i need.

it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.
it's just the pizza, you don't have ebola.

except that i think i have a mild fever...

did they get a vaccine done, yet?

they're testing one...

http://windsorstar.com/health/windsor-paramedics-don-protective-gear-to-treat-patient-showing-ebola-symptoms
http://woodtv.com/2014/10/29/report-8-monitored-in-mi-for-ebola-virus/

the doctor i've been dealing with in the local clinic is actually from nigeria. i have no idea if she's been back and forth recently.

(i only know she's from nigeria because she speaks yoruba, and i happen to know (i'm a geek) that this is a local nigerian language group)

the only situations i can conceive of possibly being at risk are:

(1) when i took my temperature under my tongue at the hospital, but they swore it was safe.
(2) when i stole a toke on the 18th from some hippie strangers. gee, wouldn't that be awkward.

i wasn't in close enough contact with the doctor for it to even be a paranoia issue.

and i'm not sure if my "fever" is legit or the result of the temperature in here.

i have a tendency for mild paranoia. but, dammit, i could be rationalizing myself into something nasty, here.

pizza runs don't last more than 24 hours. i'll wait until tomorrow and make a decision. but i don't see any obvious path of exposure. meaning that if i'm infected, there's a pretty serious problem here in windsor.

i'm not coughing or anything. mild stomach irritation, but that's normal, given that i'm constantly drinking coffee.

let's see how my body reacts to some antacids...

see, this happens all the time, though - i get freaked out over something quasi-rational, then i carefully (even somewhat neurotically) work through it. meaning i'm able to rationalize through whatever pathology is freaking me out. but that level of control is a mask. here's the thing: i don't know what my success rate really is. let's say it's 99% - probably higher than it truly is. what that means is i'm a ticking time bomb, and you want to keep me out of stressful environments.

but, you can't diagnose it until it's too late.

i can't think of any reason why a sane person would walk into a doctor's office and try to convince them otherwise. if i really wanted to fraud the system, i'd break my back or literally shoot myself in the foot or something. accepting and pushing for a mental diagnosis is pretty strong evidence in itself that something's not right there. you know, and you try and be responsible and get help and they don't listen...

i'm needing to sit myself down and convince myself i don't have ebola. i think i'm succeeding. but it's symptomatic of a general difficulty in interpreting reality.

and if that leads to some crazy behaviour, nobody can say i didn't try and get help for it.

i don't need drugs that are going to turn me into a zombie. i just need to avoid stress.

and i want to be clear what my diagnosis is: the reagan revolution has pushed backwards conservative ideologies about social services into the system itself, and those backwards views are blocking me from gaining access to the help that i require.

i don't feel i'm dealing with a systems breakdown, a lack of funding or a broken medical infrastructure. i feel i'm dealing with doctors that are putting their political views ahead of their medical practice.

they're not doing what's best for the patient, they're reacting to a feeling of being overtaxed and seeking to behave in a way that they feel will reduce their tax burden - whether that harms the patient in front of them or not.

if you understand reality in terms of class conflict, it puts just about any doctor in a conflict of interest when it comes to approving just about any kind of disability.

if you take that to it's logical conclusion, it's an argument for a guaranteed income (because you can't cut doctor's salaries next door to a giant, unregulated market). that would probably be sufficient in my case, and sufficient in the case of many other people in this difficult to clearly diagnose grey area.

it's abundantly clear i can't work.

it's not so clear what the reason for it is.

hopefully somebody can see through this properly.

i mean, the average salary is over 300K, but they're paying 40-50% taxes on it. on top of that, they're paying property taxes - and, of course, almost all of them actually are. they have an interest in finding ways to reduce their tax burden, which will present itself in keeping costs down. so, they're not in any way an unbiased arbiter of who ought to be receiving social services. they're just not....

in order to jump through those hoops, mentally, you have to romanticize the hippocrates oath into a noble pledge and elevate them into noble warriors for justice. a moment's reflection with anybody that's dealt with a doctor knows that's fucking bunk.

you'll find a few that are something like the tv characters, putting their own health on the line for their patients.

but, my understanding is that the psychological profile of the average doctor is actually bordering on psychopathy - and has to be, because there's much less than a 100% success rate. the only way you can do a job where you fail 30-40% of the time is if you keep a certain emotional distance.

what it means is dr. house is probably the better representative, overall.

whatever diagnosis comes out of this - schizophrenia, high level autism, bpd, manic depression - is going to require a lot of discussion to uncover, and that needs a physician that's willing to invest the time in it - and quite frankly against their own financial interests.

at the most basic crude level, you'd have to think that if somebody does crazy things over and over again, or feels crazy urges over and over again, then they must be crazy. the fact that the person has been able to mostly keep out of trouble and/or gain access to a support system that's kept them out of trouble doesn't negate all the crazy things and crazy thoughts. it does, however, mean that if you remove that support system then the up-to-now not experienced consequences will produce themselves. i guess i'm just having a really hard time grasping the need to actually flip out before i'm taken seriously, partly, i guess, because it wasn't really necessary in the past.

i guess i had a very strong support system with my father that only failed around the time he wasn't able to make his own decisions due to diagnosis of cancer (and i've long suspected he was aware of the diagnosis considerably before i found out, that the events that occurred in late 2011 were a consequence of his already understood diagnosis and that the only reason i really found out at all was because of the situation. i even suspect that the reason he pushed so hard to have me move home was because he knew he was terminal, and the reason she refused so violently is also that she knew he was terminal. that fucked my situation up profoundly because it left me homeless, but there were complex reasons underlying it.). i went pretty cleanly from that support system to the state as a support system. this is really the first time i'm facing the possibility of lacking that system of support. the reality is that i haven't been able to survive without it, and i'm not going to be able to survive without it. i just simply didn't need a diagnosis or state aid because i had a family that was taking care of me, which i don't have any more.

in hindsight, i probably should have gone through all of this ten-fifteen years ago.

all of the symptoms were there. it just wasn't necessary to do.

i mean, what happened was:

(1) i can't pay my rent
(2) he convinces me to move home
(3) i give my two months
(4) i'm told i can't move home
(5) i've already given my two months, so, i'm now homeless
(6) i flip out on him
(7) i find out he has cancer
(8) the conflict just doesn't get talked through

but i think what actually happened was:

(1) he learns he has cancer
(2) i can't pay my rent
(3) he convinces me to come home - *because* he has cancer and he wants me there. he doesn't tell her...
(4) i give my two months
(5) she refuses to let me move home - *because* she knows he's terminal, and doesn't want me there after the fact, which is why he didn't tell her.
(6) i've already given my two months, so, now i'm homeless.
(7) i flip out on him.
(8) i find out he has cancer
(9) the conflict just doesn't get talked through

in all honesty? if he had told me he had cancer, i would have never given my two months....

i mean, the idea of me sharing a house with jackie after my father's death is unthinkable - for both of us.

the point is i'm not just unable to support myself all of a sudden. i was hopeless the whole time. i just had a support system.

i mean, i don't have down syndrome, but suppose i did. that person could survive just fine through their family. but if their family all of sudden ceases to be, they now require outside assistance. i'm just exaggerating the condition to make the point.

it's the same fundamental circumstance - the difference is i never got diagnosed with what i should have been diagnosed with years and years ago.

and now it seems like there was nothing wrong, when, in truth, there was something wrong the whole time.

i mean, it goes back to my earlier argument - who wants that kind of diagnosis if they don't need it? i'm pretty high functioning in the sense that i don't need help carrying out tasks, so it's easy to delude yourself into thinking you'll be ok if you can find the right path. an autism diagnosis is kind of a dead end in a lot of ways. it's not something you want to jump at. but if i can get my school records...

actually, i wonder if i *can* get my school records. that's a huge argument in my favour right now.

i really should have been diagnosed with something in grade school.

just as a corollary of my behaviour.

the argument was always that i had really high marks, and any kind of diagnosis would just hurt my future.

in fact, i think the lack of diagnosis has hurt me much more.

i went through multiple suspensions in high school, i was nearly expelled, and before that my eighth grade teacher actually removed me from her classroom (i had to switch classes halfway through the year). if i had to guess, i'd say i probably spent more time in the hallway in grade 8 than i did in the classroom.

i just spent the time in the hallway doing homework or reading; my grades were like 90-95%, so nobody wanted to "disrupt my future". it's that POTENTIAL thing again....

when i was in my early 20s, i started writing all over my walls.

graphs.

charts.

i was looking for the center of power.

i've been (i think unfairly) accused of stalking two people. trolling, definitely. not stalking.....never been charges laid, never been any justification to lay any.....but it's certainly been anti-social behaviour.

i've been fired for bad punctuality repeatedly.

around 2006, i decided that the problem of existence can be reduced to chasing immortality. the only justification to exist is to attempt to find immortality. if you fail, you've lost nothing - if you succeed, you've justified your existence. any other type of existence is a waste of time.

i still believe this, i just don't think it's feasible before quantum computing becomes a reality, and i don't think that's feasible in my lifetime. all this talk of singularities is based on this exponential growth curve that i don't think is sustainable. there's a point where moore's law is going to flatten out and we're going to find ourselves up against a brick wall. there's a solution in quantum computing, but i think it's a ways beyond us.

consider fusion. 50 years ago, it was the future. we're still waiting.

we're going to be waiting quite a while for those quantum machines to be able to do anything useful, as well.

i mean, to begin with, we've got to understand da fuck is even happening. we're fumbling around in the dark looking for a light-switch with this - over-reaching the theoretical possibilities and assuming things beyond what is actually realistic.

you will fit on a usb key one day. for now, getting you there is well beyond our computing capabilities, and it's going to be that way for a long time.

so, i've resigned myself to the meaninglessness of my existence.

as rational as this all is, it's pretty nuts.

i really think getting those school records is the right way to start. i can excise my narcissism through providing my life story. and, anybody convinced i'm sane by the end....isn't.

there you go jess, that's using that noggin...

it turns out the evaluation he wanted to send me to was to a couple of social workers with no medical credentials. the secretary and i agreed that this was essentially a waste of time, until i could state a goal to overcome - which in my case is not in a form that they can treat. if i tell them i have no motivation to live, they can try to help me work through the lack of motivation, but they can't diagnose me with anything or fill out my papers. their purpose is to help me overcome the existential dread, rather than put me on a path where i can live with it, which is not going to happen in my circumstance - because it's the consequence of a logical process.

in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.

so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".

i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.

stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.

the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.

so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.

for now, i need to get a drum part done...

and, there's my new front page file for the next week....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdjPvgGh2qw

this track opens my second cassette demo. i had to sneak into my sister's room after school (or skip the second half of the day to come home early) to get access to the synthesizer and metronome. it's a pretty basic recording that cycles mostly around the effects work. it's also the second half of a piece meant to explore extreme mood swings.

audio: inertia (1997)
http://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/track/inertia

film: borrowed without permission:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cS_oLmWlG8s

it may be automatic, but the parasite seems to be going through a ritualistic process of mourning. it seems to lovingly caress it's dead host in the process of saying goodbye. yet, it's movements also suggest that it is emotionally crushed by the loss. the sound & images, put together, accomplish that mourning process in a sort of ballet. i found this to be haunting and beautiful.

does love really differ from parasitism?

obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...

it's aesthetic, and sort of a random choice. the influence is the mellotron, in general. i was trying to get that "angels singing" mellotron sound at the end of the track. this song occupies such a weird space in my childhood, as my favourite lullaby...it's like implant-burned into my brain...

(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence, confused)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01CnBGWvBpE

obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...

these haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. i ended up using this is as the template for two simple reasons:

(1) it was one of the few songs in the style i'd heard
(2) i didn't really know how to play the synthesizer. in fact, i had to skip school to get access to the thing in my sister's room.

(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1vxJb6MQ34

obligatory "influential on track of the week" post...

well, not really. but the funny thing is that this is basically identical to what i was writing at almost exactly the same time. i finished my track in march, 1997; this was first released in april. unless he's secretly a cia agent, billy couldn't have possibly heard my tune. in fact, nobody had, as i didn't want anybody to know i was sneaking into my sister's room to use her keyboard. i didn't actually hear this version of the end... until late 97 or early 98 - iirc, i downloaded it from netphoria and dumped it on a cassette with other pumpkins rarities. i didn't even have internet access in march, 1997 (i did by about august or so, roughly) . but the similarity is so strong that they're basically the same song.

these influential on posts haven't been happening recently, but they'll be more frequent moving forwards as i'm now over that '96 hump. the second cassette demo is still messy, but more focused and more presentable. i was writing a song to open the demo about being bipolar that meant to capture that momentary swing from ecstasy to depression. this is the dark half...

(relevant tracks: bipolarity, inertia, a sickening obsession, on sexual confusion in adolescence)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmCrT6XkdMc

as for this tune? listening to it all these years later, it sounds strangely clinical. kind of like a grade school voice leading project. had he played those arpeggios on an analog synth instead....

so, today is the last day of the inri001 youtube promo cycle, and i have to say that hits are down dramatically over the last week (after spiking out of nowhere at the beginning of the month). we're talking shockingly low view counts the last week - the lowest i've seen in months. the curve is actually even in jeopardy...

but that break i had last month really killed the attachment. i ended up beating the curve at the last minute, but i didn't really care that i did. and i don't really care if i do this month or not, either...

but, how did i do over the six months promotional period? well, it looks like i'm going to come up short of 10,000 views on the 8 videos, but it's well over 9500. i would have liked to see that last track get to 1000, but it will reappear in the inriched promo cycle roughly two years from now.

i wasn't expecting to sell any copies of the demo itself (it's only available for download), but i've managed a handful of sales over the last month.

as i switch tracks to inri002 at midnight, i *am* going to want to see the new collection of tracks hit higher view counts. i just want to see progress. i think i can make that happen...

i'm glad i got a nice walk in today, at least. judging from last year, talk of "last nice day of the year" doesn't really apply to windsor. we'll get days in the mid teens throughout the winter, here. it'll rain significantly through each of the winter months. the severity of the weather seems to be defined by the severity of the air masses moving south, with a moderately mild climate in between. that is to say that the average winter day here really hovers around 0, and we only get worse than that when we get blasted by that north wind - but we'll also get much, much nicer than that when humid air masses come from the south. that's a big difference from ottawa, where you can expect week long blasts of -30 in between weeks of highs around -10. but it may be the last day of 20+ weather for a while, so i'm glad i got out to enjoy it. even if i had to deal with some rain...

the rest of the day was a bit more frustrating.

i started with the odsp worker. she wasn't able to suggest a doctor, and even seemed somewhat taken aback by the suggestion, as though it was a corrupt request. after some prodding, i got the suggestion of trying the canadian association for mental health, as they may have better leads.

i spent a while talking to somebody there and the conclusion was twofold.

1) camh is indeed probably my best bet - certainly a better idea than randomly keying in on specific doctors. however,
2) i need to go through a lengthy process of analysis.

i have no doubt that i'm easily diagnosed, if you give me the proper session time. it's actually probably the best approach forward from a larger perspective, as once i get that more serious diagnosis it'll stick with me permanently. i want to get the fucking paperwork done and move on, but i need to be patient about it.

so it means i'm looking at what will probably be weekly sessions for the next few months and not having this worked out until the last minute. i won't be able to see an actual physician that can fill out the papers until jan 12, which is a day before i need to get them in.

if it works out, it's kind of perfect because i wanted to wait until the last minute, anyways. but if it doesn't work out this is probably the end of me...

again: i need to not let it stress me out too much, and just keep my head in the tunes. i just need to make some phone calls tomorrow, and then i should have it off my mind for a while.

i just hope they're not thinking that putting it to the last minute is going to alter my behaviour, because it isn't.

i've expressed myself clearly. i don't think the guy i was speaking to today was really taking me seriously. i think a substantial part of the diagnosis presenting itself needs to exist in believing me when i say this is it - this gets done, or i'm dead.

the moment that logical process is understood as more than a hollow threat is the moment a pathology is established.

the annoying thing about it is it always takes the same form "you should have a good job and be making significant money. you have so much potential. you're too smart to off yourself.". what has to be understood is that the reality is "no amount of income is sufficient to compensate for time wasted in employment. when presented with that choice, i'm too smart to not kill myself.".

the other thing is like....if i think the first couple of sessions are a waste of time, i won't bother completing them, i'll just set the gears in motion....

it's this or broke, really. there's not another option.

i'm resigned to this. i need to try, but i'm not confident in the outcome.

re-uploading the wave (inri053) as a single file

i also got the file length restriction on my account lifted, meaning i'm uploading the wave in one file as it should be. that should be done in a few minutes...

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/the-wave

i spent the morning doing cover art and pressing cds...it's nice to get them out....

for each disc, the first burn is the most time consuming because you have to do the actual layout. as more discs start moving, this should be a quicker process.

right now? i need to eat. you must think i'm always eating. quite the opposite, it's more like i put it off until i fall over and use it as a way to split the day up into pieces. i'm my own slave master, really. no food until the job is done!

but, this afternoon? i probably won't get any drums down, but i should hopefully get everything set up and ready for tomorrow.

i've pressed the following so far:

1) inri023: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/deny-everything



2) inri029: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations



3) inri035: https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/clarity

first printed cd of the clarity single

i've got a fan in the uk. i get the impression he's working through the back catalog, so he will likely buy more as it comes up. this is what i was hoping would happen. if somebody really bites, they could drop close to $300 on it.

so, you're around $2.50-$3.00, now. the first one worked out to exactly $0.97. it'll be around $1.50 for the disc.

j